Jamieson Wolf's Blog, page 52

Within Me – A Poem

Every time I look into the mirror,[image error]

I see my faults and imperfections:

lazy eye,

missing teeth,

the belly that won’t disappear no matter how much exercise I do.

Thinning hair,

the scars on my body.

And even though they aren’t visible,

I see the two beings which reside inside of me:

Cedric Paulsen and Max Shadow.

Sometimes,

it is like they are a slow steady throb within my body,

emanating from my skin in a harsh black light.

But then I close my eyes,

and within the darkness I can truly see.

I see the kindness that shines its own light to scatter the blackness.

In the darkness,

I can see that light growing and changing,

like the ebb and flow of water.

I am more than my imperfections,

more than just a gap tooth,

a lazy eye,

or the disease and disability that run through my body.

I am a being of light,

bright and beautiful.

Within me,

I carry the breath of the universe.

I carry love,

perhaps the most powerful of magics.

Within me,

I carry a voice that often laughs out loud as if in song,

I carry courage and bravery,

and with my imagination,

I am the creator of worlds.

Within me,

I carry the impossible dream that finds life in the possible.

I open my eyes and look into the mirror again,

and see myself as I am.

Even Now – A Poem

Even now,[image error]

when I look at you,

I can hear the leaves.

It is not the clatter of leaves

after a heavy rain,

laden down with moisture.

Instead, it is the rustle

and whisper of leaves

dancing in air that is

thick with heat.

When you took my hand

as we said our vows,

I could hear them

falling all around us.

As we danced,

I could hear them

sliding along the floor

as we moved in time

to the beat of our hearts.

I looked for them,

but could not see them.

When you hold me,

I can hear them

swirling around us,

encircling us as if dancing.

Even now,

all these years later,

you still fill me

with beautiful light

that has only grown brighter.

When you tell me that

you love me,

and we share a kiss,

I can hear them

riffling through the air with joy.

When the kiss ends,

I turn to look out at the sun.

I can see the leaves filling the sky,

flying up into the air,

carrying our love

into the clouds.

Fire with Fire by Michelle St. James – A Book Review

[image error]Damian Cavallo is at a crossroads.

He lives a life of crime, but it’s his life. He lives comfortably and does what he can to make the city of New York a better place. If that sometimes involves violence, so be it. He was ruthless because it was the only way he knew how to be. On his own since the death of his parents, he has known no other way…until a visit from Farrell Black changes things.

Nico Vitale, newly reinstated head of the syndicate, has noticed trouble brewing and has sent Farrell to enlist Damian’s help. Primo Fiore has gotten out of hand and is taking control. Some of the things he has been doing have gotten Nico’s attention: human trafficking, drugs and violence. Things have gotten out of hand.

At first, Damian is reluctant to accept help from Farrell and Nico, sure that he has things under control. However, the prospect of greater strength and having the backing of the mob is tempting. He is also offered control of the New York district of the mob, should he accept their offer.

Damian is willing to do a trial run through and, should he be able to take down Primo, Damian will consider their offer. There’s just one catch: Primo’s sister Aria Fiore. Damian already knows that he will do anything he can not to hurt her. What he isn’t counting on is his attraction to her…

Aria Fiore didn’t choose a life of crime. It chose her. After the death of her parents, Primo has taken care of her. If that meant that he turned to a life of crime to provide for her, she was okay with that as long as she turned a blind eye to the things he was doing. However, lately Primo has become mentally unstable and is being controlled by a man more ruthless than he is. She loves her brother but knows he’s heading for trouble.

When Damian visits Primo and gives him an offer to step aside, Primo refuses. Aria hears her brother planning an all-out war against Damian. Aria knows that the only way to save her brother is to go to Carvallo and let him know what is about to happen. She pleads with him to spare her brother as he’s the only family that she has left.

Neither of them are prepared for the attraction that blooms along their skin. When Aria’s life is put in danger, that attraction erupts into a full-fledged fire…

What I love most about Michelle’s writing are the characters. These are not your typical cardboard, cookie cutter characters that people romance novels. These are people of real flesh and blood that you grow to care for as you read. They have depth and heart and substance. There are some returning characters from earlier novels by St. James and it was like seeing old friends again.

What makes this novel so strong, though, is the love that builds slowly between Damian and Aria. Both of them are hurting and both are drifting in a sea of loneliness. They gather strength from each other and take courage from what begins to spark between them.

Make no mistake, St. James doesn’t shy away from the difficult storylines. She deals with physical abuse and neglect, the plight of orphans and looking for something better in this world; but she does it all with the skill and the depth I’ve come to love and appreciate from her work.

To say that I loved this book would be putting it mildly. I lived this book, right alongside Aria and Damian. The characters lit a fire under my skin and I can’t wait to find out what happens in book two of the New York Syndicate!

 

You can get your copy here: https://www.amazon.ca/Fire-New-York-Syndicate-Book-ebook/dp/B072BF9F8V/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1499729884&sr=8-1&keywords=fire+with+fire+Michelle+St+james

Phoenix Rising – A Poem

I am walking[image error]

down the street

when the first

feather begins to

emerge from my

skin. It is a

beautiful red hue,

and I can feel

the wind ruffle

the feather. It

feels like a

caress along my

skin and it

feels wonderful. By

the time I

am at the

bus stop, I

have grown twenty

more. Standing there,

waiting for the

bus to arrive,

a woman says:

“Are you like, one of those shape shifters?”

I turn to

look at her

and she is

smiling so brightly

that it is

like she is

carrying light within.

“I don’t think so, no.”

She gives me

a knowing look

and then winks

at me in

a roguish way.

“Well, then you must be in love.

My mother was in love once and she turned into a cardinal.”

I let out

a laugh that

made her shine

even brighter. More

feathers slid out

of my skin,

covering my arms.

“Why did she turn into a cardinal?”

The woman put

a finger to

her chin in

thought for a

moment and said:

“Well, the way she told it was,

people who are in love are changed in some way.

The bird they change into always reflects their love.”

I thought about

the thousands of

birds there were

in the world

and wondered if

any of them

were people in

love. I felt

a thrill of

fire on my

skin. Looked and

saw that it

was now almost

completely covered in

feathers, each one

a different red,

so that when

I moved my

arm, it looked

like fire. I

faced the woman

again and her

mouth was open

in wonder and awe.

“You’re turning into a phoenix!

I bet your love is magical, isn’t it?”

She gave me

another brilliant smile.

“It is.”

I said softly.

“Pheonix’s are rare. Your man must be special.”

She reached out

and took my

hand. I watched

as it softly

formed into a

wide, wing of fire.

“Incredibly special. He’s magic.”

She clapped with

glee and made

a shooing motion

with her hand.

“Then what are you doing here, talking to me?

Go on now, fly on home.”

I nodded and

felt myself growing

smaller and lighter.

The old woman

lifted me up

in her hands

and lifted me

way up high

so that the

wind could take

hold of me.

As the wind

took hold of

my wings and

I knew flight

for the first

time, I looked

down and saw

that the woman

had transformed into

a dove of

the purest white,

so bright that

she glowed softly.

As I watched

her fly away,

I wondered who

she loved.

How Far I’ve Come – A Poem

To the person that said:[image error]

“How’s the MS? You’re looking a little shaky today”,

I can say only this:

Thank You.

Thank you for reminding me,

through your concern,

how far I’ve come.

Today,

towards the end of the workday,

I could feel my spoons dwindling.

I only had two,

maybe three left.

Inside of me,

Max Shadow and Cybil Paulsen are always waiting,

hoping,

wishing for a moment where I am weakened.

It’s a constant struggle,

one I tackle every day.

Even when I have a lot of spoons,

the battle between them will rage on within me,

so I’m never sure who is causing what.

If the spasms,

fatigue,

brain fog,

difficulty speaking,

lack of motor control or dragging feet are caused by Cybil or by Max.

There was a time,

not so very long ago,

when I couldn’t walk and where life was only shadow and smoke.

I almost didn’t get up.

I very nearly,

almost,

stopped.

Then,

later,

after I gathered my strength and my spirit and clasped them together in an embrace,

I walked with a cane.

Eventually,

I was able to let go of the cane and just walk.

Now,

my feet have taken me everywhere,

to other worlds,

places I never dreamed that I would go,

even with Max Shadow and Cybil playing tug of war within my skin.

They are unpredictable houseguests.

I never know what they are going to do,

or how many spoons they will use.

But it doesn’t matter.

I will keep getting up,

I will keep going,

I will live.

So,

even if my legs are shaky,

or my speech is slurred,

even if my brain filled with cobwebs and pixie dust or my body exhausted,

I will live and remember how far I’ve come.

What I Had Forgotten – A Poem

I was walking[image error]

home when a

young man crossed

my path. He

looked vaguely familiar.

He beckoned to

with an outstretched

hand and, despite

my fear, I

followed. He stayed

a few steps

ahead of me

as I tried

to catch up

to him. He

let out a

peal of laughter

as he ran

on. As I

chased him, the

sky began to

fill with clouds.

I saw him

duck into the

trees of a

forest and went

after him, not

giving the trees

a second glance.

I didn’t know

why it was

so important to

catch him, I

just knew that

I had to.

He moved further

into the trees,

making the shadows

rustle and shake.

“Hello?”

I said. Moving

further amongst the

trees, I noticed

that they had

grown taller, their

bark blackened by

soot or smoke.

I reached out

a finger and

ran it along

a nearby trunk.

My finger came

away covered in

oil. I had

a moment of

foreboding, a second

of fear that

sliced through me.

Then he spoke:

“Don’t be afraid. I can feel your fear.”

I watched him

step out from

behind a tree,

moving as if

walking was difficult

for him. When

he moved a

bit further, the

shadows slid off

of his face

and I could

see him clearly.

“Besides, you shouldn’t be afraid of this forest.”

He said softly.

“You created it after all. Don’t you recognize it? You made every tree, every blade of grass here, every leaf and pine needle.”

I turned and

took the forest

in, really looked

at it. I

recalled a forest

that had ruled

me, that had

hidden me away

from the world.

That had almost

taken me from it.

I touched another

tree trunk and

felt it thrum

under my hand,

it’s pulse matching

my own heartbeat.

I looked at

the man and

finally saw him

for who he

was. He was

myself, only a

few years younger

and so sad

that the sadness

emanated out of

his skin, making

the grass rustle.

“Why did you bring me here?”

I asked him.

He shrugged nonchalantly.

“Have you forgotten what this month is? What this month is the anniversary of?”

I shook my

head at him,

not understanding what

he was saying.

“It’s your dark month.”

He said softly.

“It’s the month you almost succumbed to the darkness, the month where our life changed forever.”

I looked at

him, remembering his

face, the sound

of his voice.

I remembered myself.

“I’m not that man anymore. I’m not you. This month was the start of an even longer journey.”

I said to

him as kindly

as I could.

Tears began to

slide down his

cheeks and I

watched as they

left black marks

on his cheeks,

as if someone

had drawn on

him with a

fountain pen. He

looked at me imploringly.

“You forgot me. You left me here inside the forest. I’ve been here all this time.”

He said, almost

screaming at me.

“How could you just forget about me? About what this month was to us?”

I shrugged, trying

to convey in

that small gesture

that I had

meant no harm.

“I’m beyond happy now. I’m content with my life.”

He looked at

me, his eyes

burning into my

skin. I could

feel the heat

of his stare.

“So you’re going to just leave me here? It’s so dark at night and there are things that move in this forest.”

I shook my

head and held

out my hands.

“Come here.”

I said and

he took my

hands in his.

I took hold

of my own

hands. Slowly at

first, but with

growing intensity, I

let the light

that now resided

inside me flow

out of me

and into him.

As the light

flowed into him,

into who I

had been, he

began to glow.

The light started

to break through

his skin, cracks

light appearing like

spider webs across

his face and

neck. The light

became brighter, too

bright for the

dark forest. The

trees started to

melt until there

was a river

of oil around

us. He began

to shine brighter

until he was

brighter than the

sun. He looked

at me and

there was a

smile etched on

his beautiful face.

“Thank you.”

The light grew

so bright that

I had to

look away. When

I turned back,

he was gone

but the river

of oil had

turned into something

glorious. It was

no longer dark

and filled with

shadows. With the

sun upon it,

it was instead

full of rainbows.

I walked home,

my heart happier

and my spirit

filled with light.

Starfish and Emeralds – A Short Story

[image error]He saw them twice a day.

Cedric lived right across from a bus stop. He didn’t mind it too much as he was far enough away that the noise wasn’t a bother. City buses stopped there several times a day. The one thing that did intrigue him were the other buses.

They were painted black, even the windows, and there was no way to see inside. Odder still was that the buses had no numbers, nothing indicating where they were going. One crowd got on the bus in the morning and a different one got off in the afternoon.

Cedric wondered where the bus went, who the people were and what its purpose was. After watching the buses for more than a month, always picking up one group of people in the morning and dropping another group off at night, Cedric decided that there was only one thing for it. He went down on morning and tried to ask one of the people in the group getting on the bus.

The morning was bright and filled with glorious sunshine. It was so bright that, looking at the crowd gathered for the bus, they seemed to shimmer in the light. As he neared them, he heard their soft chatter and pieces of their conversation reached his ears.

“I do hope they have nice backyards. I do so want to garden.”

“I told Daniel that he was driving too fast. He said that it was the only way to drive, the reprobate.”

“I wonder if I remembered to turn off the oven. I don’t want to come back home with the house smelling of smoke.”

“When Felicity said yes, I thought I’d die of happiness right there! It was the most glorious day of my life.”

Cedric approached a woman with flaming red hair that shone in the bright sunlight of the morning. She heard his approach and turned to face him and Cedric was struck by the green of her eyes, so green they looked like emeralds. She had a kind smile that curved her lips upward and he found himself smiling in return.

“Excuse me…”

“Well, sugar, unless you did something rude, there is nothing to excuse yourself from!”

She spoke in a sweet southern accent that made Cedric think of pulled taffy and wildflowers. He found himself blushing. “Um, okay. I was just wondering where this bus goes? Why does everyone get on it?”

“Oh honey, don’t you worry. It’s always like this in the beginning. You just have to be brave enough to take the first step and get on the bus. You can sit with me, I’ll show you the ropes. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

“Should I be afraid?”

“Why sugar, didn’t you just hear me say there was nothing to be afraid of? You stay with mama Becca, I’ll take care of you.”

“That’s Becca. My name is Cedric.”

“Pleased to make your acquaintance Cedric. I like that name. That’s a good strong name.”

They stood there in amongst the crowd listening to the conversations swimming around them. Finally, Becca said: “So where do you come from? Around here?”

“My house is just over there.” He pointed at the small two bedroom house. “I’ve lived there for a long time.”

“Won’t your wife or boyfriend miss you while you’re gone?”

Cedric shook his head. “I don’t have anyone in my life. Haven’t for a long time.”

Becca looked at him with eyes that were suddenly sad. “Oh, honey! Well, now you got me. I’m with you now, okay? So you don’t have to be alone.”

She took his hand in both of hers and squeezed his hand tightly. “Being alone is just the most horrible thing. Works for some, but not for me. I’ve always been more of a social butterfly myself. My mama used to call me a whirling dervish of a lady.”

Smiling, Cedric said “I can see that.”

“I was always more comfortable with other people rather than being on my own. What happened to the one you loved, honey? Why do you carry those shadows in your eyes?”

Cedric shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.”

Becca gave him a warm smile and patted his hand. “It’s okay, honey. You just tell me when you’re ready.”

Nodding, Cedric was oddly touched. Everyone he had known kept pushing him to talk about his feelings until he was all talked out, until he had no more words to even describe what he was feeling. Everyone kept pressuring him to deal with his feelings, to talk about his emotions when all he wanted to do was sit inside his house and hide. It was an ill-fitting tribute, but he couldn’t do any more than that.

They heard birdsong and Cedric looked up to see blue jays circling in the air above them. They called out to each other again and Cedric followed them through the sky. When they had flown farther then his eyes could see, he turned back to Becca and was surprised to see her crying, the tears shining in her eyelashes like jewels.

“Becca, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing is wrong, Cedric. I’m just so easily move by beautiful things. Birds in flight, the cooing of a child, flowers that grow in the bleakest of places. My mama used to say that I had a sensitive heart, that it would be the end of me if I didn’t harden up quickly.”

It was his turn to squeeze her hand. “Becca, why does the bus stop here? Where does it go?”

“You’ve seen the bus then?” She looked confused for a moment. “Well, it’s a pretty special bus.”

“I gathered that, but there are always crowds of people getting on and off.”

“Why sure there are. That’s what a bus does, takes people from point A to point B and picks others up again to go from point B to point A. Surely, you’ve taken a bus before, Cedric?” She gave him a wry smile.

“I know how a bus works.”

“Then you’ve answered your own question!” She said, laughing. She gave him a playful shove. “Don’t look so serious. All will be answered in time. Look there now!”

Looking to where she was pointing, Cedric saw the black bus coming ever closer. The chatter of the crowd around the bus began to grow in excitement and anticipation. Cedric heard the voices around them glow louder with glee.

“Oh, I hope he’s there when we arrive. I’ve missed him so much, you know.” One person said.

“I can’t wait to see if it’s exactly like I picture it. I’ve been seeing this place in my dreams for so long!” said another.

Cedric looked at Becca for some sort of explanation, but she merely smiled.

The bus pulled up in front of them and Cedric immediately spotted a problem. There were too many people. The bus didn’t look big enough to hold all of them. He voiced this to Becca and her smile widened.

“Sometimes, things are not as we see them. You worry too much, you have to let that go, Cedric honey. Too much worry is bad for the soul.”

The bus door opened and people began to move on, climbing the steps and disappearing within the darkness of the bus. Cedric had one moment of trepidation, but Becca took his hand and said “Come on, honey. We’re going for a ride. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”

Cedric nodded and they got behind a bunch of people to board the bus. When they entered, there was a moment of darkness as his eyes took time to adjust. What he saw amazed him. It was as if he had stepped into a sea of people, thousands of them, all sitting comfortably and talking amongst each other.

“How can this many people fit on this bus?”

“Well, you didn’t think ours was the only stop, did you? The bus travels great distances and picks up anyone who wants a ride. There are bus stops all over the world. The bus picks them all up, not a soul is left behind.”

Still marvelling at the amount of people that were in the bus, Becca pulled him along until they found two empty seats. They sat down across the isle from two older woman, each with a different colour of hair. One had purple hair and one had pink. Cedric thought they looked like two Easter eggs, dyed different colours. They were having an argument.

“I tell you, we have to go see mother first, she’ll be very mad if we don’t.” Pink said.

“Well, I want to see Edgar first, I’ve waited so long to see him again.” Purple said.

“You do what you want, but I want to see mother.”

Becca gave them a smile. “Your mother must be a lucky woman to have such devoted daughters.”

“Huh.”  Pink said. “Well apparently, I’m the only devoted one as Anastacia just wants to see her husband.”

“Abigail, she’s over one hundred years old. Seeing her a little later than we had planned won’t make a lick of difference.” Anastacia said.

“You try telling her that.” Abigail said.

Becca let out a soft laugh and sat back in the seat as the bus began to move. She squeezed Cedric’s hand again. “Oh, we’re on the way, Cedric! It won’t be long now!”

“But you haven’t told me where we’re going.”

“Does it matter? You’ll find out in a little bit. But we have a while yet, why don’t you tell me what makes your eyes so sad? It’ll do you good to talk it out.”

“Not you, too.”

“Not me what?”

“Always asking me to talk about how I feel. My mother, shrinks, friends, grief councillors. I’ve done enough talking.”

“Well, then don’t talk about what makes you sad. Tell me what you loved most about him.”

Cedric was shocked. “How did you know I’m upset over a man?”

“Honey, isn’t everyone? I can feel it in your heart.” She placed a hand on his chest where the heart lay beneath. “You must have loved him very much.”

“I did. I do.”  Cedric’s heart still ached when he thought of him.

Cedric didn’t say anything more. Becca rubbed his chest where his heart was. “Honey, everyone has a story. I’m just asking you to share yours, to let it out. It doesn’t do any good to keep it inside where it makes the shadows in your eyes darker. You have to let it out into the light, so it can set you free.”

As the bus started to move, Cedric started to speak. “He passed on five years ago. It was sudden. Cancer. Came out of nowhere. He had never smoked a day in his life. Then he got a cold and it held on a little too long. Went to the doctors and his lungs were riddled with tumours. He only lived for another month or so.”

He took in a deep breath and continued. “We had all these plans. We were going to travel, see the world. He was going to put on an art show and I was going to be a bestselling novelist.”

“What happened to that dream?” Becca said softly.

“It died with Alex. Everything died with him.”

“Not you, though. You didn’t die.”

“There were some days where I wished I had. I would lay in our bed that still smelled of him and I could see him everywhere. At first, I hated that, hated that he was everywhere when he wasn’t really here, you know? Then he started to fade. I began to forget what his voice sounded like, what his eyes looked like when the sun hit them, the kind of music that his laughter reminded me of.”

Becca said nothing. She just wrapped her arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. Cedric leaned into her and let himself be comforted.

“He was my everything. He was everything that was good in my world. Everything.”

Cedric wiped away the tears which had sprung to his eyes and noticed something. The entire bus was silent and all the chatter of voices had fallen quiet. From across the isle, Abagail reached across and took Cedric’s hand.

“The dead don’t leave us, you know. They remain with us in our most sacred of places.”

“Where?” Cedric was desperate to know where to find Alex.

“Why inside you of course!” Abagail said. “You think that someone that touches your heart so much ever truly dies? He’s alive within you, dear boy.”

Cedric leaned back in his seat and felt a moment of sadness. Though it was silly to admit it, he had hoped that somehow, Alex would show up again, alive and well and not the wasted scarecrow he had become.

Becca hugged Cedric closer and said, “It’s almost time now.”

“For what?”

“To get where we’re going.”

He looked around the bus. There was no light coming into the bus, but it was bright enough to see. He turned back to Becca. “Why is everything blacked out on the bus? Why cover the windows?”

“Because sometimes, the journey is in not knowing how we get there. Sometimes, its better not to know the way. “

“Oh phooey, Becca Chambers.” Anastacia said. “Don’t you listen to her hogwash dear boy. It’s because when we cross over, the light is so bright, it would blind your body, mind and spirit. The windows are for our safety. See, look now, you can see the light through the cracks.”

Cedric turned to look through the cracks left by the black paint that had peeled away. What he saw took his breath away. He saw not just white light but colours of every hue and shade. It filled with buses interior and made it look as it the bus were riding through a rainbow. Cedric turned to look at Becca and she said “It’s okay, Cedric. We’re almost there.”

“What’s the final destination?”

She shook her head slightly and just smiled at him. The light flowing into the bus brightened until it was an almost blinding white. Cedric did in fact block his eyes with his hand and turned away from the crack in the window letting the light in.

Then the bus stopped moving and the light dimmed. Cedric could see only sky blue. Becca went to stand. “Come on Cedric, you’re here.”

“Where is here, exactly? You still haven’t told me.”

She smiled and took his hand, pulling him up. “Come on, Cedric. You don’t want to keep him waiting now, do you?”

Letting out a laugh that sounded like music, Cedric let himself be pulled up and along. They passed thousands of others as they made their way to the front of the bus, each of them gathering their things and moving, like Cedric and Becca, to the front of the bus.

They moved towards the door and Cedric saw more of the blue sky. It seemed to fill up the bus with brightness. It seemed like his whole body was waking up when he stepped into the blue of the sky. His foot came down on concrete and he could see the glitter of glass and steel and white stone walls.

The crowd began to move on to wherever their feet took them but Cedric couldn’t, wouldn’t move. Standing in front of him, wearing his beautiful smile, was Alex.

His eyes were still the colour he remembered, still green like emeralds. His hair still a soft yellow, like spun gold. His smile still melted Cedric’s heart that even now was thudding rapidly in his chest.

“I’m dreaming, I have to be dreaming, I fell asleep on the bus, I’m still asleep in bed, I haven’t woken. You’re not real.”

Alex walked towards him. “I’m real. I’m right here in front of you, Cedric.” He looked behind him and spoke. “Thanks for making sure he got here all right.”

“My pleasure honey. I’ll be back in a bit. I’m going to go say hello to a few people I know.” Becca said. “Take all the time you need.”

“We won’t be long.” Alex said. Then he turned back to Cedric. “Let’s walk for a bit.”

Cedric took Alex’s hand in his and squeezed it. “You’re real. You’re so real you even smell the same, like sandalwood and musk. How can you be here if I put you in the ground five years ago?”

“Come on. Let’s go for a walk along the water.”

“What water?”

“Think about the time we walked along the coast of Hawaii. Will you picture that in your mind?”

“How can I forget? It’s when you first told me you loved me.”

Cedric heard the sound of waves. Turning, he saw a coastline not too far from them where before there had only been concrete, glass and steel. “What is this place?”

“Come on, handsome. Let’s walk.”

They walked towards the surf and the sounds of water became louder. Cedric saw starfish scattered along the sand. They weren’t like any starfish that Cedric had ever seen; they shone like emeralds, like the green of Alex’s eyes.

Alex’s hand felt so real in his that Cedric was sure that he was dreaming. They walked along the sand for a while before Alex spoke. “I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to spend eternity with you, Cedric. It broke my heart to see yours breaking.”

Cedric could only nod. He still carried the picture of what Alex had become inside his mind and this is what came to the forefront now: his handsome face pale and hollow, his body wasted away to nothing.

“I died when you died, Alex. My heart stopped beating when yours did.”

Alex didn’t speak for a moment and there was only the sound of the waves. “Do you remember what I asked you to do, Cedric?”

“You told me to live, to find love again.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I haven’t stopped mourning you.”

“Cedric, it’s been five years. Five long years for you where you have been honouring a mere memory.”

“But I miss you so much, Alex. I miss you every moment of every day.”

“You’ve also stopped writing.”

“How could I write when all I could do was think of you?”

“You once told me that you were only truly happy when you were writing.”

“No, that’s no longer true. I was only happy when I was with you.”

Alex turned and took Cedric’s face in his hands. “I know that’s not true. You were happy before you met me. You’ll be happy again.”

“I won’t be happy until you come home with me. When does the next bus leave? When can we go home?”

A pained look came over Alex’s face and he let go of Cedric. He looked to Cedric as if he would break apart if a strong breeze struck him. “Let’s sit down, Ced.”

He motioned behind Cedric and benches appeared that weren’t there before. Cedric sat and Alex sat beside him. They both said nothing for a little while and just listened to the sound of the waves hitting the rocks and sliding against the sand.

“You know what this place is, don’t you?”

“I have no idea, Alex. I’m just so glad to have found you again. You can come home with me now! We can be together again!”

The pained look on Alex’s face nearly broke Cedric’s heart. “I can’t leave with you. I have to stay here. But you can go home.”

“Then I’ll stay with you.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“It’s what I want. I want you more than anything.”

“No, Ced. I want you to live. You can’t want this.”

“How can I not when you’re here?”

“Because I’m dead, Cedric. I’m dead and gone. My body is still where you buried it, in the ground underneath that beautiful headstone you chose.”

Cedric felt as if he couldn’t breathe, as if the fabric of his universe was crumbling. “No, you’re here, you’re right in front of me!” Panic had started to seep into his voice.

“I’m here in spirit. That’s all there is left of me.”

“No! You’re here! You’re right here!”

“I’m not. Not all of me anyways. My spirit lives on in here.” Alex touched Cedric’s chest where his heart was.

Cedric’s world finally broke. When the tears came, he didn’t notice that the strength of the waves intensified and grew to great heights. “Why did you bring me here? Leaving without you will be like losing you all over again. I can’t live without you.”

“I brought you here because I couldn’t stand the sight of you wasting your life pining away for me. I told you to live and find love again, to let someone else into your heart. I wanted you to live a full life, not a half life, bemoaning my leaving you.”

“I can’t live without you.”

“You can and you will. Even at a half life, you’ve managed to live. Now I want you to live a full life and remember me well. Remember the love we shared and not the way it ended.”

“I can’t leave without you.”

“I’m always with you.” Alex touched Cedric’s chest where his heart lay. “The love we shared was beyond anything I could have hoped for. When two people love each other so deeply, it leaves a mark, a light that glows and others can see. I’m always with you.”

“I’m so afraid.” Cedric whispered.

“I know you are. But I also know how strong you are. Will you live your life, for me? More importantly for yourself?”

Nodding, Cedric looked at Alex with tear filled eyes. “I’ll try.”

“Good. I love you Cedric.”

“I love you too, Alex.”

Alex leaned forward and kissed Cedric softly on the lips. A light spread within Cedric from the touch of those lips and it slid down within him, into the very heart of him. It filled every crevice of his body and he felt lighter than he had in a long time.

His eyes slid closed and Cedric tried to put everything he could into that kiss, everything he hadn’t been able to say to Alex for so long. The sound of the waves faded away and the light from the sun went into shadow. All that he felt were Alex’s lips on his own.

Then he opened his eyes.

He was startled to find himself back in his apartment. His first thought was ‘Why is it so dark in here?’. His second was that it had all been a dream, that he hadn’t seen Alex, hadn’t ridden on the story bus, hadn’t walked with Alex along the shores with the sea rolling along the sand.

“It was just a dream…” Tears fell from Cedric’s eyes and he looked down at the bed, the sheets and blanket rumpled from his sleep. It was then that he saw it.

A silver pendant lay on the comforter. Cedric picked up the chain and looked at the pendant. It was a silver starfish with emeralds covering its surface, much like the ones that Cedric had seen on the beach that he had walked along with Alex.

Cedric put it on and felt a warmth spread through him. It was the same warmth that had spread through him when Alex had kissed him for the last time.

Getting out of bed, Cedric went to the windows and opened the curtains to let in the sun and opened the windows to let in the fresh air. He did not know what his future would hold and he knew that the healing would take time.

But Cedric knew that he would be okay. That he would finally be all right. And that was enough.

He held the starfish in his palm like a talisman and looked up to the sky. “Thank you.” Cedric whispered. “Thank you so much.”

Letting the pendant fall, he began to get ready for the day ahead, whatever it would bring. His fingers were itching to sit down at his computer and write. He had the strangest idea for a short story…

Wonder Mom – A Poem

*  This poem is dedicated to my Wonder Mom, Susan. Happy Mothers Day and I love you.

The Next Chapter – A Poem

* For Michael 

If our life together was a book,[image error]

it would pulse with light,

sending out a joyous energy

that would make the air around it

shine like the sun.

If our life together was a book,

it would be a cherished classic,

as timeless as our love,

filled with princes and magic.

We would hear characters’ voices

and the tinkling of music,

soft and lilting like the sweetest waltz,

coming from its pages.

If our life together was a book,

I would carry it with me

beside my heart,

taking comfort in knowing

that you were near.

The life we have written and lived together

is better than any book.

It’s more fantastical than any fantasy,

more beautiful than any fairy tale

and more passionate than any romance.

I used to live my life through books,

but now I will simply live,

because I get to live my life with you.

Whatever the next chapter of our life brings,

I will celebrate it,

because I celebrate you.

Even though I can hear

the rustling of pages as time passes,

I welcome the sound

and the next chapter with you,

whatever it may bring.

Spirit Gifts – A Poem

* For Kate Fisher[image error]

 

You have removed

the veil that

sat between me

and the windows

to my soul,

letting the light

shine through, showing

me what Spirit

had to tell

me. You have

opened the doors

that stood between

me and the

knowledge I so

desperately wanted to

retain, so that

I could decipher

and decode. You

have given us

knowledge, so that

the cards have

become stepping stones

that litter the

ground, each a

shining jewel that

beckons us to

look and to

intuitively know. You

have given us

this gift and

our thanks is

not enough. My

Spirit raises a

Cup to you,

lays a Wand

at your feet,

bestows upon you

a Sword, mighty

and true. Lastly,

my Spirit hands

you a coin,

covered in the

markings of a

Pentacle upon its

surface. These are

but tokens of

my appreciation for

all that you

have given us.