Josef Matulich's Blog, page 5
March 2, 2020
A Quick Polyfil Announcement:
For those of you following my exchange of strongly worded letters with cancer, it seems this week that a third party is coming out ahead. My chemotherapy, which is supposed to be on MY side, has knocked my neutrophils down to a critical level.
Despite what it sounds like, neutrophils are not a combination nutritional supplement and pillow stuffing. They are the white blood cells in your body, and without them pretty much any infection can take you out. My doctor refuses to let me be killed by Athletes Foot, so my chemo treatment is postponed for another week.
Yes, I failed my blood test in spite of cramming all week for it. I will continue to cram kale, broccoli, and other immune-friendly foods down my throat and wash them down with V8 vegetables cross-dressing as fruit juice. I’ll even try this green semi-fluid that reminds me of my days as a tech in an EPA approved sewage lab. I want this process done.
It is very disappointing as I feel good physically and emotionally. I even wrote a bit of cancer comedy that was very well received in the infusion room.
So, Warriors of Every Stripe, look both ways when crossing the Information Superhighway, be kind to each other, and try to always boost your Polyfils.
February 29, 2020
Happy Leap Day!
Still in the middle of chemo and the tank’s a little dry.
So, just reminding you that this day comes only once every four years. So your social media will ignore what you did today for another three years. Make a leap today out of your comfort zone. I won’t tell anybody.
“This calls for a truly stupid act!” battle cry of Chameleon, leader of the Fighting Lizards.
February 16, 2020
Economical Squirrels
Readers definitely get tired of hearing indie authors shouting “Buy my book!”. “Buy my book CHEAP!” is a slightly different story.
Thanx to the people at Hydra Publications, the ebook of “Squirrel Apocalypse” will be available for 99 cents from today through Feb. 23. You can stuff your Kindle with marijuana, gang violence, & GMO killer squirrels. What more do you need for the Presidents Day Weekend?
As always, remember to review if you like it. If you don’t like it, pretend it never happened. Link below:
February 4, 2020
My First Book Events of the Year
I’m a bit late in announcing this, but I am very please to be included in the Ohioana Book Festival this year. I will have my new horror/comedy “Squirrel Apocalypse” along with the new editions of my three Arcanum Faire books. The event will be Saturday, April 25, 2020 from 10:30a.m.-5:00p.m. at Columbus Metropolitan Public Library’s Main Library at 96 S. Grant Avenue Columbus, OH 43215. Entry is free. Dozens of other Ohio authors will be there to discuss their work on assorted panels and hawk their wares. For more info, consult the link below:
On Sunday, I will be at the Ashville Viking Festival, held at the Ashville Community Park, 200 Walnut St, Ashville, OH 43103. The festival runs from 10 am to roughly 5 or 6 pm. My wife Kit will be filling in for me there on Saturday from 10 am to 5 pm. Navigation and other details can be extracted here.
This is as close as I can get to be two places at once, especially as I am still be treated for colorectal cancer. I am betting by then I will be on my feet and just as strange as ever. See you there.
Weirdmaste
February 2, 2020
Happy Imbolc
Happy Imbolc, Candlemas, or St. Brigid’s Day. It’s one of the pagan high holidays that’s been absorbed into folk tradition and religion. A time for light in the darkness and looking to the future. First fire from the hearth or first water from the well gifts a maiden with a vision of their future husband. People in North America obsess on the predictive skills of large rodents. I look forward to the halfway point in my chemotherapy.
Things are looking dark, Warriors of Every Stripe, but the advantage of reaching Things Can’t Get Any Worse (For Goddess’ Sake, don’t say that out loud. The universe takes it as a challenge.) is you also hit Things Can Be Made Better. I won’t blow smoke up you skirts, but things aren’t as dark as we fear.
Speaking of darkness, this is my latest blipvert for Power Tools in the Sacred Grove, where Jeremiah leaves a phone message from the Great Beyond.
Weirdmaste
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January 27, 2020
Okay, I’ll play… (again)
I would like everyone one of my blog posts to be a gem for the ages, but today I got nuthin’.
So, I made a meme.
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January 22, 2020
The Tale of Tommy the Tumor
On July 25th of this year, I became aware of a major pain in my ass. I do not mean that Ukrainian Phone Call business. Only a handful of people knew about that at the time.
I had a colonoscopy that day in a surprise bout of responsible self-care. It had been five years since the last one and the doctor saw some peculiar fauna and flora when last down there. The re-check revealed a 2.5 centimeter adenocarcinoma in the rectal region of my colon.
Talk about your surprise butt stuff.
There was a quick succession of doctor’s appointments as my wife Kit and I assembled a team to handle all aspects of the treatment. There was a surgeon, a chemo oncologist, a radiation oncologist, a patient advocate, and a plucky team of radiation tech sidekicks.
The course of treatment was to be five and a half weeks of combined oral chemo and targeted radiation. Since they were firing those x-rays through my pelvis past some of my favorite organs in my body, I was thankful for their precision.
I was actually taking the radiation treatments during my lunch hour of my day job for the first few weeks. The combined side effects- fatigue, nausea, fuzzy-headedness, and orthostatic vertigo- put me on short term disability. I even lost most of my hair below the waist. I called that “medical manscaping”.
My part in the process was to remain upbeat and compliant with all the protocols. Also, I concentrated all my mental and creative energies upon the complete destruction of this interloper. I named it Tommy.
I made a crude, but effective, sketch of Tommy (see above) to use as a visual focus. As I was thrust into the radiation machine, I would imagine a tiny silver hammer striking it on the forehead with each mechanical clank of the device. Tommy suffered myriad torments in my imagination: zapped with death rays, immersed in corrosive chemicals, stomped with tiny hobnail boots. I even wrote a song about him.
Friends asked what kind of superpowers I might get from the radiation. Since I had been bitten by a radioactive asshole, I would reply, my powers would probably only apply to politics and middle management. Friends were no doubt inspired by my strength and humor.
After the combined chemo and radiation, and a four week period to allow them to reach full efficacy I referred to as marination, I was checked over by my surgeon. With much probing, scoping, fingering, and biopsies, Tommy was confirmed to be gone. No Evidence of Disease, the doctors like to say.
There was some difference of opinion as to where we go after that finding. After the entire process is done with, I may share that part with you, Warriors of Every Stripe. For now we are going with a new protocol called Watchful Waiting instead of a full resection and permanent colostomy.
I am currently wading into a three month period of chemo I tell friends is “spraying for roaches”. Even though there is no evidence of Tommy’s survival, it’s best to be sure there are no microscopic sleeper cells deep in my colon. And so I go through a prolonged chemo hangover and hang on as best as one can.
To play us off the stage, I present the lyrics to the song written for my butt tumor. Feel free to use wherever you might need it.
TOMMY (to the tune of the traditional song “Jonah”)
(chorus)
What do you do with a rectal tumor?
What do you do with a rectal tumor?
What do you do with a rectal tumor, way down in your colon?
(verse)
Slather him in chemo ’til he withers.
Slather him in chemo ’til he withers.
Slather him in chemo ’til he withers, way down in your colon.
(repeat chorus)
(Verse)
Nuke him with x-rays ’til he’s crispy.
Nuke him with x-rays ’til he’s crispy.
Nuke him with x-rays ’til he’s crispy, way down in your colon.
(add verses until cured)
Weirdmaste
January 11, 2020
Harley Quinn Evolution
This is just what we kept saying the last time we saw “Ready or Not.”
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December 31, 2019
Happy New Year!
Whether it is economics, depression, gender dysphoria, or a super-abundance of squirrels, everyone has their battles. Keep your heads up, Warriors of Every Stripe, but always be aware of the nearest shelter.
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Weirdmaste!
December 21, 2019
A Quick Thank You
I would like to say a sincere “Thank You” from the bottom of my heart, and the heart of my bottom, for all the Birthday Wishes yesterday and the prayers, healing vibrations, and hamster sacrifices offered up for my fight with cancer. Having grown up as a bit of a professional New Kid in School and Authentic Whacko, I have always felt outside of every group I’ve encountered. Thank you for proving me wrong.
