Faiz Nazim's Blog, page 3

Uncertain of Yesterday

I woke up this morning feeling dull. The nature seems to agree as the sun wasn't as bright as it used to and the wind that escaped from nets of the window is just there trying to swipe the sorrow-- I, am uncertain of its success.

Yesterday was a chaos. Full of things, not good, yes, but never empty. There was drama, anger and joy, deep thinking and re-bonding; all in one night. There was a story of a best friend who are too confused and obscure between line of avoiding himself from being hurt and hurting someone else. There was also a story of how one's love can somehow poisons himself with too much jealousy. And then, there was another story of how even the best man can do damage with what he knows and still, not realizing.

But that's all another people's stories. What about mine? I was sinking in my own thoughts of what and why. What happened with him? What's wrong? What was that all about? Why do you do this? Why is this happening? Why God, why?

I don't really like to think much of this. It's too complex to be understood-- I acknowledge that. What I decided to hold onto, was just karma doing it's job (to me) with mistakes (by others) being the front line. And who am I to judge people or be mad at someone who apologizes after doing something wrong? I make mistakes all the time. We are just human. Yes, I demanded those apologies, cause they did something wrong but only for the reason I don't want this valuable friendships to be the victims.

And the night didn't end rogue. It's something that I'm thankful for.
But karma is still bored.

Therefore I woke up this morning; dull and sorrow-- to the dreams of a betrayal from a very good friend with the girl that I once fell for.

It's just a dream.
A dream that I can't get over with.
Not of the betrayal cause it's just a dream, even if it's real, still not a betrayal,
but of what is going on with me? 

Blind

Rosmah sings
- Eh makcik tua rambut besar tak sedar-sedar suara macam katak puru, ada hati nak nyanyi.
Mahathir sings
- Ya Allah, comelnya Tun. Coolnya.

FRU sprays water on the Reds
- Babeng punya racist. Berani lawan penguatkuasa.
FRU sprays water on the Yellows 
- Penguatkuasa jadi boneka kerajaan.
....................................................................................................................................................

I'm pro-government. Those who know me well, it's obvious.

Not that I support wholeheartedly but I guess since the very beginning, I like to go against the thinking of people in my circle unless they can point out solid reasons that makes me be like "yeah, this shit is so fucked up".

The reason why I do this is, because I now see the government as the minority (in social medias, and my surrounding). And I, who always place myself among the underdog, the minority, the outcast; somehow feels empathy.

Yes, a lot of stupidity were shown to us. And I agree to that, but what I'm disagreeing with is our blindness.

The problem with too much hate is our judgment tends to be blurry on the opponent (biased) without realizing.

I just wish people can see both sides of coin and be moderate with whoever we support.

Be watchful.
Be kind with your words.

Thankful

Adversity

 
 

Not Knowing

"What if I don't pass?" I asked to him. I was anxious. Don't get me wrong. That question plays a lot in my mind. It's just that I rarely say it out loud. That what makes me nervous.

And I was there. Patiently waiting for his answer.

"I don't know," he answered. Sincerely.

I don't know what I expected. Somehow, the answer suffice. Cause one thing for sure, I don't need false hope. All those bullshit of "things will still be good" and "you gonna do fine" will make me hurt more. Cause I know that things wouldn't still be good and I'm not gonna be fine.

Failing the year is not gonna make everything stay the way they are. Everything will change. The disappointment of my parents. Slowly changing cliques (cause they are gonna be occupied with clinical years and it's not even their fault!). Having to pay more for the study loan and above all; my pride and dignity. I will be just another medical student who failed.

The one that people will talk about like I'm a study case to be discussed. They'll talk about my history, they try to search for the most 'definite' diagnosis and they'll try to treat me. I'll be a patient. A patient of my own disease. A stupid patient.

And I don't want that. At all. God forbid.

As night passes by, Ameer was asleep and Kama's at the living room studying, now I'm free. Free to cry.

The next thing I know, I was below the desk with my hands wrapping my body as if I'm about to take a lumbar puncture. And it feels like I did. 

I burst painfully in my heart.
I've never cried so much for a very long time. It hurts so much. I can't hold it anymore.

Not knowing.

End of Excitements

So, I've had rather an interesting week.

But I can't say much about it in public. But that interesting period already came to its end. And now I have to succumb to this normal, boring week or life that I deserve. Maybe it's for the best.

With Najie's at Doha, Abood in Amman, I/m kinda being left to be alone. There's no more company to lunch or dinners or even  cards play, and yeah, that's all over for now.


Just have to keep my mind focus for the upcoming exams. This is after all maybe the last time I see the good side of the world. Got to keep my chin up and enjoy as long as it lasts.

Now, I'm going to buy some take away. Fml.
Tschuss!


 

Stakes

It's 4 am.
I'm supposed to study (as usual, what else right?) but I ended up playing two games of Dota 2. Hahah. Typical me.

Anyway, I'm thinking of posting a post for few days already so I might as well do that now. And maybe after Subuh's prayer, I can try to finish some of the make up exam's materials.

It's been more than a month since I've got a new acquaintance of mine named Abdallah and Ahmed. I'm much more closer with Abood (that's what I call Abdallah, his nama timang-timangan ) since we are in the same German class for the summer.

I knew him way back then from our very first year. He used to be so close with Syafiq but then something happened which I don't know (of course, I'll figure out the reason somehow, hahah ) and he's also outstanding to me cause he used to wore the same shirt every single day!

A blue checkered collared long sleeve shirt. Yeah. I remember that. I always does.

And he has been very nice to me. He translates arabics for me wherever we are, be it in the class or even to my sohib (my rent house's owner), and he is observant, he knows that I don't like crowds and some few other stuff and the most important of all, he is very-very polite and good person. In fact, this afternoon, after the Germany's class, someone was teasing on me and Abood defended me despite the fact that Abood is quite coward (same goes to me, maybe just because we don't like violence so, in other word, coward, hahah *cry* ).

And yeah, we do sometimes hang out in restaurants and usually Amed (the 'timang' name for Ahmed) will join too and this is good (das ist gut! -- it's German ) cause we have a lot of stuff that we will talk about. The Indonesian's food, Thailand's culture, Abood being a self-proclaimed American while Amed, he got his own Thailand's name he want which I can't recall but it ends with a "Kon". Hahah. It's fun.

Abood. He is a cam-whore. Lol.
Yeah, by becoming Abood's friend too, I've got to get a lot of other new Arabs friends. One of them is Basel which we hanged out in his house the other day and played monopoly deal (omg, I'm so owing Calla for this -- oh yeah, Calla is someone else which if I want to tell you, it will require a whole new post for her and her husband , so maybe some other time). Basel is very nice and polite too! I mean, I've got to know a lot of Arabs which are polite and nice. Yeah, you might say there are a lot of Arabs who are nice and polite but usually they are the religious one but the friends that I got aren't (not that I have anything against the religious people). So, yeah, that's it.

Unfortunately I don't have the picture of Amed and Basel ;( 
So, now it means so much more. If I do not pass my third year, not only I will lose my Wardahs and Malaysian friends (because I might isolate myself or get depress and die or something ) but also Abood as my clinical mate (which will ease so much!).

Hu'uh. The stake is bigger now.
And it's pressurizing me .
It does.

How I wish I'm not in this position.
Ah... anyway, God knows better, right? 
Right? 
 


 

Leaving

I had fun playing Monopoly Deal cards with the Wardahs in the evening. We also had some pizzas for dinner cum late celebration food for Mukhriz that we postponed due to constraining factors before.

Najie resting with his sleazy shirt and Luqman covering his bracey mouth after feasting. Alang's eating (can't come up with any funny idea )But somehow, after all those time spent, I still feel a little bit blue . First because Mukhriz is going back to Malaysia. He's like one of the closest Wardah (this is what I call to my 4 close friends in Irbid) to me. I tell every single thing to him and he doesn't get tired of me. Moreover, he just got back from Malaysia few weeks ago. And now he's going back for a very long time. And so does everyone else. It's just matter of time. Plus, I might fail my year and God knows what will happen after that .

Mukhriz giving few words before leavingSecond, because he seems in sorrow after a while. Which I don't know why. I asked him over and over again, why? But he still didn't answer. This hurts. I mean, it hurts seeing someone else somber especially when that 'someone else' is someone that matter cause like I said, I'm close to him. I know him, and there's something not right. But I don't want to be a pusher. I know the limits. Furthermore, it might be because of me, who knows? Maybe something that I said offended him somehow. Hurm...

In any case, this is kinda a shitty day.
Irbid's getting its worst temperature (since I got here, literally). 42 degree celcius isn't something that you take lightly. People are watering the road! .

You see, if even the roads can change, what more of a human temperament? Most of the people mood are labile to changes and that's bad. Really really bad.

I wish the sandstorm would stop.
Be nice. Be gentle.
I know life can be cruel, but, there's always a good side of everyone.
Let us see yours .

To Mukhriz, I wish you the best. May God ease in whatever you're worrying about. 
And do have a great vacay.

Tschuss .


Mukhriz waving goodbye. Bis spater! p/s : I know it's normal for people to get back to Malaysia during the university's break. But, just bear with me. I'm goodbye-ing everyone slowly. Time potentially won't do good to me, so... you know... Yeah. Bye.