Faiz Nazim's Blog, page 2

Sorrow

I am now finding it hard to be happy in life.
As far as I go today, I really can't be bothered (or am I?) to the fact that I will have sufficient amount of happiness I used to seek.

I am at peace with myself. With what I am predestined to life. I will seek no more. My world, is the world of sorrow, loneliness and emptiness. Yes, these are the recipe to cook my life. And I'm turning black to stupid events, mistakes and problems that never seems to be holding themselves back from serving me what I 'deserve'.

And of course it's wrong for me to say that I am now all alone. I do have a few that are with me right now, but yet, based on my experience, they won't last. I am sure of that. It's either them or me. If it's them; they are humans after all, men are made to be mortal. Even though by not dying. And if it's me; either my ego, intro-extroversion, or just my skepticism which has proven to be the clairvoyant of my miserable life.

This post is so ambiguous for those who doesn't know me, and I am sorry for that.
This post is just for me to blurt out my sense of frustration towards my path of life and to bring calmness to my side. Oh, how I wish for that.

Good night to all.
Till then.

Ramadan

So, tomorrow is Ramadan. And the next day is my Pediatrics final exam. Damn.
I'm not prepared well enough. For both of them. Hahah.

Anyway, it's my second last Ramadan before I finish my studies in Jordan. Yup, just two more years, Godspeed. And like everyone else, I hope that this Ramadan can build a better me.

Have a good fasting month and insya-Allah all the barakah will come upon us. Amin.
Wish me luck for my exam!

Till then.

Toodles!

Pen Pal

So, I am actually supposed to be studying right now but I am procrastinating like usual.

I started cleaning out the house and still didn't finish doing it yet because there's tons of shit to be done. I am currently taking a break from my cleaning and ended up in front of the computer browsing my emails. 

I accidentally found an email sent by someone from Pen Pal and I just have the time to write back to him now. Well, I do love receiving emails by anyone. I mean, 'anyone' that is real.

I registered a long time ago to some pen pals websites and it seems like profile is still up as this Nandra dude emailed me.


First time replying pen pal mail using Words and includes my picture as requested.
Don't know what else to ramble here, meaning I have to go back cleaning the house.

Till then.

Toodles! 

Overdose

I don't know but I think I wanna a getaway by overdosing.
Will try.

If thing works out, goodbye till then.
Wish me a happy life.

Avoidance

So....

I'm on my study week right now. Hahah.
It's gonna be a whole month of exams.

I'm so doomed cause I didn't study much because I do not have any drive at all to study.
It's like what happened every past years. Zzz.

So I ended up doing a lot of stuff for the past days just to avoid studying like, entering a Jordan Poetry Slam and winning it (this is like around 10 days ago), baked a lot of stuff to be sold but most of them went into my fat stomach, played frickin a lot of Dota 2 as if I'm going to be a professional player and so much more like sleeping and sleeping.

Yeah, that sums up my life right now pretty much.
Anyway, since I was bored too much just now, I chose to open up my Habbo account back, just to see what's the update.

Oh my, there's so much changes already. But damn, the feels of looking at that game got me all teary and breaking down inside. There's so much memories of my teenage years in that game. Damn those feels.

TinyFroggy#

Anyway, till then.

Toodles!

Goodbye

The exact moment when you talked about how I would be ending our friendship after this talk, I don't know what else to do other than to do so.

I am the worst person.
I know that.
Everyone knows that.
Who doesn't?

And it's a must for me to end this friendship. I have to.
But I'm not prepared.
How I wish you would say no.
But you didn't. Not for this time.
How it breaks my heart this time.
How I feel my heart skips a beat.
And I am left with nothingness in me.

I guess, it's really the end, huh?

Shorty

Just a little update on my life since I was supposed to actually update it every week but yeah, human. We are too preoccupied with nothing. Nada. Wa la ishi.

Anyway, I've just finished my second rotation (surgery) a week ago, and just had my first week in third and also last rotation this year; internal medicine. The results for my mini osce and oral exam turned out to be great. Better than what I expected with the examination itself. Well, God certainly is the one to be thanked for because I am very certain that it went somehow disastrous.

Regardless, my study is getting better and of course I wish that the momentum will stay that way. Other than that, actually there's too much to be told but I really can't find a single stuff that can be told plus Najie is actually pushing me now to finish my writing because we're gonna watch a movie, the three of us, with Mukhriz, so, err.

Till then XD

Friends

 I mean, the reason why I am friending a person is to have mutual happiness. That's why I can't seems to find a stable friendship as the story unfolds. The happiness just vanish. Sometimes it's me, or I rather say most of the time but I have a reason for everything that I do. I may be quite narcissist but one thing for sure I know is that I am a nice person. I don't do bad just for the sake of satisfaction or jealousy. So that's how I know that I am the good guy in this story.

 As things get worse, I am getting more lonely. I felt as if I have nobody. No one that wanna be or I want to be by my side. Things are not falling in place.

 I've been wanting to write happy or fun post in my blog but it's as if world just doesn't allow that. If and only if, right?

Source : Google

The New Chapitre

It's been a while since New Year but I guess it's not too late for me to say, "Happy New Year" dear readers (who might not be any) Hahah.

Regardless,
I think it's best for me to comment on the passing year. 2015 was full of colors. I mean, there's a lot of stuff happened.

I lived alone for a year and sold my cats to settle out my depression problem, having to repeat my exam to pass my third year (as I always did) of medical school and getting to know with a lot of new cliques. Not bad, not bad...

I also spent a lot of times with orator related activities such as being the Chairman of Irbid's Orator Club, involved in debates and poetry readings. Plus writing oriented activities, by being one of the committee member for Irbid's Writing Club (KPI) and I wrote few more published poems (not as much as I used to) and I should take note of this because I want writing to be one of a must.

Other than that, I take pride on how I chose my friends. I mean, I don't usually get to know a lot of people unless they are gonna be a good friend of mine. And somehow I did succeed in finding few more cliques for me to hang out with and depend to. Although, unfortunately I also unfriended few of them due to some disputes and most of them are my faults but I deemed necessary for those 'close' friendships to end for greater good (on their side of course).

However, things are supposed to get better this year.

There are few things that I must put as my priority this year and I have to be more systematic and productive to make sure I excel. These are things that I must focus and put on top of my list:

1. Study
Clinical year is not going to be easy. Passing the year and getting mark just on the fence aren't helping me. I have to study everyday and make sure I'm aware of how important it is for me to be more enthusiastic in learning medics. It's not boring thus I'm just hoping for my laziness to stop.

2. Writing
I wanna do it so much but I'm a little bit losing my passion so I need to gain it back. The problem with my writing is because I believe I've stopped reading for years. So, I need to read more to write more. They come in a package. But yeah, writing is a must. It's one of the thing that I wanna live with.

3. NGO
I should not set aside NGOs. Though I'm not interested so much to find anything outside my circle, I still have certain NGOs that I can contribute to, eg: Ikram and MYMT. I have just to organize my life well enough to fit these.

4. Relationships
First of all, I need to conquer and be so good at all of what I said before. Greatly. And at the same time enjoy my time with my friends and acquaintances. I'm somewhat on a mission to prove to people that being successful is not by shutting your socials. Because I have problem with people who chose to be successful by ignoring their loved ones. This is not what it should be. It just doesn't make sense. You are being successful not just for you but also for others. But by trying to earn your success, if you have to desert others, what is the purpose then? So, despite everything, learn to balance.

So I guess balance is the key for all of these. I've also got a lot of other stuff to insert in my New Year's resolutions such as keeping myself fit, managing my expenses, to bake a lot more and also to get a Scottish Fold but for now, those four are the main things I should look at and try to achieve.

And again, it's all about balance.

So, as cliche as it may sound,

2016, please be nice to me okay? Love you!

Toodles.

Source : Google

Should I or Shouldn't I

It's funny how a friendship can start.

Truly, my friendship with him was funny from the very beginning. It's not that it's laughable or what, it's just God's works in a peculiar way.

I was there with him in Yamani, talking about my faith's issues. About why God did this and why God did that. Whether God is real or is just a simple made up by those who seeks to believe there are more than just this world, that life has a purpose. Yeah, those are all the questions that once played in my mind, few years back then.

Anyway, somehow, I spoke about how I like hanging out with him which at that time I categorized him as a 'professional friend' whom I'll meet and talk about stuff that others won't such as philosophy (the easy one) and books and some other small petty but nonetheless unique or bizarre for others.

He got upset with that statement. And we ended up having a pillow talk few days apart which strengthen our bond. Yes we did. We've had a series of them. And every single time we were having pillow talk, I'll get comfier with this guy. He shared stuff that makes me know him in a way that others won't. That trust, it's sort of a marker that we are more than just a normal friend. We are a good friend instead.

Isn't it funny how our friendship started?
What's also funny is about how it seems to come to an end.

Like just now. The reason why I'm typing this tonight.
Our WTees gathering didn't kicked off with a good start. It's him being him. Despite having a functioning damn telephone, for whatever reason, he didn't brought it, which comes to no surprise. But he was late for half an hour and we (who were waiting) were restless thinking of the possibilities that he might be in other place instead. In fact, we found him, right before we were about to left the place.

That's one. It's not about him being tardy but it's because the trouble that he caused by not having a way to be contacted at the time he's late by goddamn half an hour.

Next, we went to the restaurant. We talked and talked. Time's almost done as we made a pact to end it by 10.30pm. However, during our talks, somehow, those God's talk about whether why God did this and not that, surfaced up. I hate that talk. I'm over it. Not sure either it's because for me it's a never ending question and non beneficial, or I'm pretty sure I'll never get satisfied with any answer or maybe, because it reminds me of those suicidal period I had few years ago. And if you are on the same track, it's most probably the third one.

So I went on browsing and scrolling my phone and actually looking at nothing that I pay attention to just trying to leave my mind unfocused of what they were discussing and suddenly BAM! Words came out of his mouth like a sword.

"I am sad at you right now"

Those are very straight forward and blunt but nope, those words were as sharp as it can be.

I replied with anger in my heart, "I am sad at you for the reason you're not on time on the very beginning." I said that as it's already 10.30pm and we should ended the gathering.

No. To be honest, I didn't care about the gathering should end at 10.30pm. We always do that; end things late. But it's because his words hurts me. Simple yet enough. I know at that moment, our friendship will come to it's end because I've saw it. I've seen how friendship breaks because of fights and at last, both gets too tired to continue fighting and choose to stop trying. Yeah, that was me at that moment, I'm feeling as if I was hurt badly and I don't want to try saving a friendship that I deemed will shatter.

But the fault wasn't all his.

As everyone quiet down after that, things reflected. I see clearer of what I am.
It has always been me. The one in the WTees.

The black sheep.
The depressed and suicidal.
The harsh and rough words-guy.
The stupid and arrogant.
The bad one.

And the list goes on and on and on.
And I wonder, should I stay, or go away.