Deborah Gilboa's Blog, page 6

Motivating other people to… anything, really

Hi! Motivating

Great news – a lot of you are planning to vote! 

The responses that I got last week were overwhelming curious about one thing: “How do I get __________ to vote?” 

Some of you are wondering how to convince young adults you know to go to the ballot box, others are hoping to encourage people with whom you work or members of your community. And as I read so many entreaties, I thought “Well, you’re asking me about behavior change. I got you!”

There is no guaranteed way to get an adult to do anything. 

But!

The best chance you have follows a simple formula. 

Something you already know they want + a change in behavior = more likely to get the thing they want.

So the best way to get someone to vote, for example, is to first understand something they want from their country or town or future that is impacted by politics. Which shouldn’t be hard because lots of things are impacted by politics. 

Then speak to this person. Focus on the thing you know they want and get them to speak about it a bit, telling you why it’s important or why they want it very much.

Then you make your argument that voting is a way to make that future more likely. 

If they’re open, you can ask what obstacles they have to voting and if you can help overcome any of those.

That’s it. No guarantees, but a big increase in likelihood. Want to try it?

All my best,

Dr. G

Motivating

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Voting builds resilience but it depends how you vote

Hi! voting

Am I about to tell you who you should vote for? 

I am not!

I am about to tell you how to approach your vote so that the act of voting builds your resilience rather than depleting it.

Resilience – the ability to navigate change towards a positive goal.

Voting – the act of marking down who you think is more closely aimed at your goals.

Whether or not the candidates you choose actually win, there is a lot to strengthen you in voting. You need to:

Figure out your prioritiesLearn about your elected officials and what they’re supposed to doDecide who is your best betVote

I saw a post some years ago that said “Votes are like buses, not valentines. You don’t look for the perfect one, you look for the one going closest to your intended destination.”

No matter who wins, you’ve strengthened your resilience skills of setting goals, finding options and taking action. And probably also the skill of managing discomfort. 

So vote, it’s good for you.

Are you registered? Got your plan to vote? Comment and tell me!

All my best,

Dr. G

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stop holding your breath

Hi! breath

Are you going through something hard these days? Maybe you’ve had the thought “I just need to get through __________ and things will get back to normal.” That’s a common and totally understandable reaction. Our brains see all change as a disruption and seek the status quo, meaning we seek what we knew as normal before the change. 

When I work with young people I often ask them the definition of resilience and the most common answer is “the ability to bounce back.” This is 100% true… if you’re a rubber band. Actually, it’s only about 97% true even if you’re a rubber band. And you’re not. You’re a person. We don’t, actually, bounce back at all.

We are changed be every change we experience. 

Further, we all know that life is a never-ending series of changes. And still we insist on believing that each change is the aberration, the short period of time that we need to grit our teeth, hold our breath, hang on just for a little bit until this discomfort or pain stops. 

That belief is understandable but it’s wrong and our usual reactions don’t serve us. Take some deep breaths during each change rather than holding your breath.

Change ebbs and flows, we know that too. And (as we’ve talked about together before) we are more resilient when we stop being surprised. We need to learn to stopbeing surprised that there will be more change after (and during) whatever we’re going through now. That we will be changed by the changes we’re experiencing. 

The normal we’re always thinking we’ll get back to when this ends? It’s in front of us, not behind, and it’s different than we remember. 

Are you in the midst of something hard? Take a minute to remember that you can feel normal in the midst of change.

All my best,

Dr. G

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A reminder to be skeptical of “they”

Hi! skeptical

We’re in a season of debates and So. Much. Commentary. It’s possible the Internet Era just guarantees us all that commentary all the time and I’m just a bit more tuned into it right now. 

There is a parenting lesson that I learned when my boys were young that holds me in good stead out in the world too. And that lesson is this:

When anyone tells me about what “they” did or said or want or don’t want, I get skeptical. Really? Who’s “they?” How do you know what they think or feel? Which of “them” told you or what primary source evidence do you have? Because when my kids told me “they said we had to bring $20 to school tomorrow” or “they said we could play in that yard” or “they all are mean to me and I didn’t do anything to them!” I knew to ask more questions. 

So when you hear anyone telling you what “they” will do or how “they” all feel? Ask more questions. Dig down into sources and facts. Anyone who wants to make me believe something about a whole group probably has an agenda – and it might not be in our best interest. 

More importantly, it’s very hard to stay resilient when you feel that there is a “them” out to get you. But maybe there isn’t. It’s much easier to be resilient when you remember that there are shades of gray and that nuance changes context. Asking questions will build your resilience and help you make better decisions.

Stay nuanced everyone.  

All my best,

Dr. G

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Resilience is in the working, not the winning

Hi!

Resilience is the ability to navigate change towards a positive goal.

That is the chorus of every song I sing, the answer to just about every difficult question I face. Indeed, it is the core of my professional and personal mission.

Everywhere I go, from lecture spaces to consulting calls to exam rooms to grocery store lines, people ask me about how to get more resilience. And what they’re asking, really, is “I understand life is full of change, but can’t we make it easier somehow?” Yes! Yes we each can.

Building our resilience – our ability to navigate all that change – doesn’t require us to control the outcome. We don’t have to be lucky or fortunate or even, in the words of Garrison Keillor, “good looking and above average.”

We just need to try.

Resilience is built in the trying. Resilience doesn’t require attaining your goal. It grows every time you work towards your goal. The skills you utilize and strengthen by deciding:

“In the face of this change, what is my goal?”

“What steps will I take to try to achieve that goal?”

and then working on those steps create resilience in this situation and make all the future changes easier. No matter the outcome, you will increase “resilience muscle.”

Resilience is built in the working, not the winning.

What are you working on right now that can make you stronger today and in the future? Comment and tell me?

All my best,

Dr. G

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Decide for yourself but not for others

Hi!

Canceling people is a controversial topic! I heard from so many of you this week after I wrote about the weakness I see in canceling. Thank you!!

The power of words never ceases to impress me. One thoughtful community member was surprised and unhappy that I would lead with an insult (if you missed it, I started by claiming “Canceling people is a sign of weakness”). And in this I will tell you that I mean “weakness” as a clinical term, a lack of strength. I, for example, have a weakness in one of my stomach muscles that led to a hernia. But I took his point, I was calling out people who focus on canceling. We’ll get back to this.

Secondly, I heard from folks who were angry – how could I suggest that we keep communicating with people no matter what they’ve done to us? Right – no. I did not mean that! I was not specific enough with my words, I am talking only about people we don’t know. If someone you know personally has repeatedly behaved in a way that is unacceptable, or crossed a red line of yours, put up good, healthy, strong boundaries and keep them up unless you’re truly convinced it would be safe for you to remove them. 

Now let’s talk about canceling people we don’t and won’t know in person. 

I’m not arguing that you need to attend events where this person will be, or read their work, engage with their creations or buy their stuff. You should behave in ways that align with your beliefs. I’m saying that you don’t do yourself or the world any good when you try to control whether OTHER people can listen, engage, etc and form their own opinions.

My argument is this: When we spend our energy trying to erase someone from the internet (it’s usually the internet but sometimes it’s a college campus or public space) or other arena so that fewer people hear their terrible ideas, why is that bad? We allow our own strength and fortitude – our ability to stand up to bad ideas or even bad people – to wither. We talk only to other people who agree with us about the thing we all dislike and don’t improve our ability to express opposition or try to move someone from a damaging position. That person doesn’t have to be our concern, but the spread of bad ideas IS our concern as a society. 

To strengthen ourselves and our society we can do either or both of these things:

Speak up and offer a counter argument. A counter argument requires us to really listen to the bad idea and explain why we’ve got a better view.Get our focus off the person and focus on the community or person harmed – how can we help? What positive thing do those people want to make their world better? Ask, don’t assume you know. 

A reader who has thought about this a lot asked about the opposite – what about people who say intentionally provocative or harmful things and then cry “Cancel culture” to preserve their power and celebrity? 

I hear this, and my answer is the same: that person can rant all they like. We can ignore or counter, but putting our energy as individuals towards canceling puts our own resilience at risk. Not to mention the accidental damage this causes in stifling peoples’ ideas for fear of being canceled themselves. Ask me how I know. 

Thank you, sincerely, for responding. I learn from each of you who does.

All my best,

Dr. G

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Canceling people is a sign of weakness

Hi!

We’re afraid of discomfort, most of us. Which makes sense – it’s very uncomfortable! Seriously, our brains are wired to shy away from that which makes us hurt, afraid, cold, sick, angry. In our youngest years, this safety mechanism keeps us out of the thorns, stops us from wandering around in the night, protects us from the elements, cautions us not to eat things we don’t recognize or be around people that are unfamiliar. All that keeps children alive. I’m a big fan of keeping children alive. 

As we grow, though, we need to mature in our opinions about discomfort. I’ve written to you hundreds (maybe thousands) of words about the value of discomfort. Today I’d like you to think about the flipside.

What’s the harm in clinging to comfort?

Well, we’ve talked some about the harm it is to our teams and our kids and our partners when we can’t risk, can’t let go. We model – and even idolize – safety over improvement.

We’ve talked about how hard it is to reach a goal if comfort is our top priority.

Today I want to think with you about the harm to society of this comfort-is-king mindset. I don’t want to direct you to the dangers of screens or a sedentary lifestyle. The danger I’m pointing out is that of limited thought. 

Have you heard of Cancel Culture?

According to the Pew Research Center, “Cancel culture is a movement to remove celebrity status or esteem from a person, place, or thing based on offensive behavior or transgression.”

Some people see this as public justice. I’ve seen people get “cancelled” who I personally believe have behaved abominably or who hold beliefs I find to be deeply offensive. Nevertheless, I offer this argument:

Cancelling people demonstrates weakness and fear of those doing the cancelling. It both demonstrates their lack of resilience and undermines their ability to build more.

The desire to disengage when we don’t like how something or someone makes us feel is understandable. But the insistence that our comfort is paramount, more important than working to understand or fight against someone else is too much to ask, that I fear is dangerous for our society. 

Disagreeing – even vehemently with someone – and responding to them requires resilience. We have to listen in order to understand their side enough to explain the problem as we see it. We have to engage in conversation or argument with others. None of that is easy. Cancelling, on the other hand, is the adult equivalent of sticking fingers in ears and saying “Nonononono!”

Have you seen someone get this type of treatment? I’m interested to hear, if you’d like to share your thoughts on it.

All my best,  

Dr. G

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One connection

Hi!

Do an experiment with me right now?

Think of a person in your life who values you. Someone who genuinely cares about how you’re doing – not because you sign their paycheck or cook their meals or do what they ask – someone who appreciate you for you. You don’t have to understand or agree with what they “see” in you, just know that they do. Hold that person’s image or name or feeling in your mind for a moment.

That made your brain feel safer. Your heart rate slowed. Your blood pressure leveled out. You might even be smiling.  

Doing just that built your resilience and mental strength!

Bonus round: Think of someone you truly value and send them a quick voice note or text telling them that you do. You’ll build their resilience and mental strength, and that also builds a bit of yours.

Let me know if you tried any of this?

All my best,

Dr. G

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What a Resilience Rest Day looks like

Last week I said this:

Going through hard things CAN make you stronger and more resilient. For most people that transformation takes a little intentionality because three steps are required:

Feel your feelings about the hard thing.Figure out your goal about the hard thing and take steps towards that goal.Recover.

I asked you what you’ve been through recently that could build your resilience. Your answers ranged from job loss to arguments with loved ones to relocation to cancer to new babies. One person told me about a stubbed toe and another about a lost set of car keys. 

And everyone is correct! 

Your feelings about whatever the thing was – or is – are valid and necessary. Each person has a goal about that thing. But I got a lot of great questions about the “recover” step. I’m glad, because that’s what I want to focus on now.

Recovery as a way to build resilience is the step most people skip. Recovery does not require you to stay still and avoid all change. There are at least three paths to recovery from a change that will strengthen your resilience:

Notice a positive from the experience: Whatever the change you’re navigating, can you find something useful that came from it?Tell your resilience story: Can you talk about what happened from the point of view of strength, of aiming towards a goal (even if you didn’t reach it yet), of growth?Give yourself a break of some kind: What do you have the time and opportunity to do that strengthens you?

Even if you’re in the middle of a really busy season, with many changes still headed your way, any of these recovery strategies will decrease your feelings of overwhelm and helplessness, putting you in the center of your own life.

If you have time to tell me a story of a change you’ve navigated, I’d love to hear it!

All my best,

Dr. G

Any of these will help you be more resilient – rather than less – from this event.

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What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You… Miserable

Hi!

You’ve probably heard the saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Shenanigans!

Going through hard things doesn’t guarantee resilience and strength. And you know that because you know an adult who has been through so many hard things and it never gets any easier for them. If just going through struggle was enough, we wouldn’t know any adults like that.

Going through hard things CAN make you stronger and more resilient. For most people that transformation takes a little intentionality because three steps are required:

Feel your feelings about the hard thing.Figure out your goal about the hard thing and take steps towards that goal.Rest and recover.

It’s that last one – rest and recover – that usually trips people up.

Building resilience is like building body muscle – you need to stress it and then rest it. Why isn’t stress enough? If you only go through the hard thing without any intentionality about navigating it, it’s like thinking you’re training for a marathon by running to catch a bus once in a while or forgetting where you parked your car and wandering around the lot looking for it. You get a tiny bit more in shape but it won’t be enough.

How do you rest your resilience? By resting your brain and telling the story of your resilience. We’re going to dive into that part next week. For today I just want to ask you – what have you been through recently that you could use intentionally to build your resilience instead of just wandering around the parking lot?

All my best,

Dr. G

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