Deborah Gilboa's Blog, page 5

Hi from the floor

Hi! floor

From the actual floor of my living room. Like you probably do, I had plenty of things to get done this week. I’m taking vacation starting Friday afternoon – the first time I’m going away with all four of my sons in a bunch of years – and there are lots of things to check off the list before then. Until this morning.

This morning my back said “lie down.” It didn’t yell (though I did), it spoke quietly and with a solidly spasmed lumbar strain. “No standing, no sitting upright for you,” it stated quite clearly.

This all reminded me that all those things we have to do? We can find a way around most of them, delegate or ask someone dear to us to help with the others and shift priorities on a dime!

I recently made a video asking folks to stop saying “have to” about tasks they were going to do. My reasoning was about the advantages of building resilience through changing yournarrative to a “get to” and therefore improving your brain chemicals about that task. If that was too many words, watch it here. 

Another advantage – that I’m thinking about while I contemplate my dog-hair strewn rug from very close up – to changing “have to” to “get to” is this: When you can’t do the thing, you will feel less like you’ve failed, less like you’re somehow in danger. 

Just a little voice-to-text dictated, edited by my amazing assistant Carlota, contemplation for you in this very crowded week.

What do you get to do this week?

All my best,

Dr. G

floor

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Tell a Good Story

Hi! story

Thank you for all your amazing stories about your holiday experiences! You told me about frustrating relatives that you handled with better boundaries. You explained fractured families and how you hope to handle it next year. You told me about new grandbabies and departed loved ones and the hopes and memories you’re focused on creating. All of these stories make you – and me – stronger.

Reading stories of frustration, sadness and struggle don’t make us stronger on their own.  Understanding what you felt, learned, discovered, plan or process, however, does make the reader – and the writer – more resilient.

When you hear about someone’s adversity and how they navigated, even thrived in the face of that adversity, you may think “Well, sure. They explain it that way because they’re so resilient.” And that might be true of that person. But I have great news!

Narrative and resilience create a positive loop.

Your resilience does help you find something useful in the problems you face. Finding something useful in the problems you face does make you more resilient.

And it doesn’t matter where you enter that cycle.

If your resilience is at a low, ask yourself this question “What did I learn?” No matter how discouraged, angry, isolated you feel, finding one lesson to take from your current obstacle will build your resilience back a bit. Every time you tell the story of your struggle – to yourself or someone else – include something you learned, something you can DO that points you in the direction you want to go. In this way, your narrative will make you more resilient. 

If your resilience is high, make sure you incorporate it in your story of that challenge. This will bolster your positive neurochemicals and help your brain feel less at risk in the face of this challenge, which will make the challenge smaller for you.

You have more power than you might think, even during hard times.

Want to practice? Comment please, and tell me a story of a challenge!

All my best,

Dr. G

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A side benefit of the holiday season

Hi! holiday

The holiday season certainly can bring a lot of hits to your resilience. So I wanted to take a minute to point out a boost that we all get.

And that boost is common experiences.

A common experience is an event or situation that a lot of people have gone through or can relate to and that gives them a way to connect. For example, if you’re US-based, you’ve likely asked folks this week “How was your Thanksgiving?” Or you’ve started an email with “Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.” We often, when encountering a work colleague or an acquaintance, scan our memory to see what we think they’ve done recently that we can identify with, so that we can make a connection. 

December and January are filled with these relatable moments – from holidays to family time to weather obstacles to New Years plans – whatever we celebrate or don’t we still have some common ground to explore in our conversations. And by asking and sharing a laugh or an eyeroll or just a look of agreement over the craziness of the season, we strengthen our connections. In a time in which many people feel divided, partisan, even scared to broach topics they perceive to be risky in some ways, these common experiences are even more valuable.

Even better? Each of these casual conversations is a great opportunity to build your own resilience with one simple choice:

What you choose to answer. You don’t have total control over whether or not you enjoyed your Thanksgiving or got stuck in the snow or didn’t have a New Years party to attend. You DO have total control over the narrative you create around your experience. So if you talk only about how awful it was, or boring, or expensive or frustrating you will likely feel a drop in your resilience. If you add what you learned, what you plan to do next time, what you are doing to recover, or just allow yourself to really receive some empathy for the discomfort? Well now you’re not only building connection, you’re also building your own resilience!

So, the next time you have a chance to connect over a common experience, remember that it’s not just a way to pass the time, it’s a great tool. And here comes one now…

How are your plans going for the holiday season? Comment and tell me, I really want to know!

All my best,

Dr. G

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It is what you decide it is

Hi! decide

The best thing, in my opinion, about being an adult is choice. And it’s choice that makes us more resilient. 

This week I’m thinking about that choice in terms of high – and often frustrated – expectations people have around family and holiday celebrations. 

There is no question that gatherings with people we’ve known a long time, with people whom we’re connected to by shared history or blood ties or just by invitation sometimes feel risky. And those opportunities can be warm, even beautiful. And also stressful. Every one of those interactions feels more important to our brains because this is – or is supposed to be – our place of safety and belonging. When anything changes in those interactions, or fails to meet our hopes and expectations, we can feel like the world is a harder place. 

So where does choice come in? You have any number of choices about how you handle these gatherings and expectations. Let’s focus on two things you can choose:

You can pick from this list to get some control over your experience: When you see them, where you are for those interactions, who you interact with, what you do with them, how you behave when you’re with them. I doubt you can control all these things without causing major drama, but is there one or are there a few you can gain some say over?The words you say to yourself about your expectations and your role. The story you tell yourself has a great deal of power over your own brain chemistry. You might need to remind yourself that you’re not responsible for other people’s emotions. Or that their opinions of you are none of your business. Or that you know why you’re spending time with these people, and their behavior isn’t a part of that. 

However you approach this time, remember that you are in charge of you. You get to choose the attitude you bring (and keep), the words and behaviors you use, the goal you are aiming for during that time.

You get to find your own happy in your holiday, and I wish you much joy!

All my best,

Dr G decide

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You only find what you look for

Hi! you look for

What stressor is pressing for you right now? 

Really, take a minute to answer that for yourself. It’s a little like scanning your body to see how it feels – but you’re scanning your mind. 

This week I noticed that a patient of mine was limping as he walked down the hall to the exam room. That’s new for him, so when I came in I asked “What’s causing you to limp?” He looked at me, surprised, and said, “I… I don’t know. Was I limping?” When I assured him he was, he said, “Must be something in my shoe. Or maybe I put my sock on funny. I mean, what else could it be?” He checked his shoe and sock, but they were fine.

Then I made my med student sweat by asking him “Tell me some of the possible causes of a new limp in an adult.” (Don’t feel to sorry for the student, it’s what they’re in the office to learn). “Ummmm…

gout, stress fracture, neuropathy, plantar fasciitis, foot drop…” It was a good start. The issue turned out to be a corn (you can see a picture of the condition if you’re interested) and I’m only mentioning it because it proves a lesson I’ve been taught and have in turn taught to students for years:

You only find what you look for… and you only look for what you know. 

You have to look in order to find what’s happening to you. Otherwise you’ll deal with the symptoms without a chance of curing the problem. And you need to know the whole width and breadth of what could possibly be going on for you, or else you’ll try to fit the available evidence into a pattern isn’t yours.

So back to you. To keep your mental health and resilience as strong as possible, you have to look for what might be causing you to “limp” – even when it’s someone else who notices it. And if you can’t identify anything, but there is a symptom that something is wrong, well, that’s when you want to ask someone who’s got some knowledge you don’t. So you don’t have to solve it by yourself and you don’t run the risks of ignoring it.

How are you? 

All my best,

Dr. G

The post You only find what you look for appeared first on Ask Dr. G.

In defense of the midlife crisis

Hi! midlife crisis

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 54 years old and I’m pretty excited about it. My fifties have been as good as I thought they might be. As a dear friend about thirty years older than me once explained, the older a woman gets the easier it is for her to live her actual priorities. 

I want that for everyone. 

The whole point of resilience is to look at each change that comes your way and think “Who do I want to be in the face of this? How do I get through this towards the life I want?” This thinking has led a lot of people I know to make some pretty big changes in their forties and fifties.

I was warned, most of us were, about the damage a midlife crisis can do. And I’ve seen that happen. Someone thinks “Yikes! Look how many years are behind me and I don’t know how many might be left, is THIS the life I really want?” 

I’ve had the honor of taking care of many people towards the end of their life. And the result I’ve seen of not asking these hard questions and acting on the answers is, unfortunately, deathbed regrets. 

If they use the epiphanies that follow as an excuse to bail on their responsibilities (like raising their kids) then that is bad, for sure. But if they use the epiphanies that follow that question to pivot their reality towards the best version of themselves and their future that they can imagine… that can be really good.

We can be people of character who take care of our dependents and are compassionate to others while still reassessing our path and making changes to better aim towards who we mean to be. 

The answer is probably not one big midlife crisis, but a series of questions, answers and adjustments. Don’t be afraid to ask – and answer – “Am I aimed towards the life I want?” 

And if you’d like to comment and tell me about your questions, answers and adjustments, I’m always interested!

All my best,

Dr. G

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Elections test resilience

Hi! elections

In the US we’ve just closed an election cycle and the results are in. What does resilience look like in the face of a clear winner and loser? The same thing it always does.

Resilience is your ability to navigate change towards a positive goal. 

So, if this election turned out the way you wanted, who do you mean to be in the face of that success? What’s your admirable goal and how will you move towards it?

If this election disappointed or devastated you, you have an extra step. 

Give yourself a minute. You deserve some time for your feelings and to rest a bit. And then…What’s your goal? Who do you mean to be in the face of this change? What’s your admirable goal and how will you move towards it? 

To once again quote from my favorite wise teacher, Adrienne Gold-Davis, “You are not what happens to you. You are who you choose to be in the face of what happens to you.”

Resilience, as we talked about a few weeks ago, is found in the working, not the winning. Elections end, but the work towards the country you need does not. If you’re inclined, I hope you’ll comment and tell me your goal. 

All my best,

Dr. G

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Strategy: Do As You’re Told

Hi! strategy

This weekend I made a biophysical mistake. 

I donated blood about 26 hours after getting my COVID shot. I didn’t break any of the blood donation rules to do it (except my partner would probably say the rule of common sense) but it left me down. for. the. count. Nearly unconscious at the blood bank snack table and then absolutely flattened for a day and a night. 

Sometime Monday morning I found the paper that the Blood Bank gave me with my vial barcode number and their follow up rules, which included this: If you feel sick in any way during the three days after you donate (including fever, chills, nausea, vomiting, weakness, fatigue, cough or congestion), call us. I know what this means. This means they want to know if they need to toss out my blood. And I know that my reaction was probably not an infection. 

I spent hours agonizing over whether or not to call. Follow their rules and they probably end up tossing my probably perfectly good blood. Ignore their rules and the 10% chance that this was a short-lived virus that put me over the edge (in addition to the vaccine and losing a pint of blood) gets passed on to someone who’s already in distress. 

When I’m struggling with a decision, I really do come back to the question: how can I be resilient about this? Which means answering any or all of:

What’s my goal in the face of this change?Who do I mean to be?

My goal? To stop stressing about this decision! I want to be someone who donates blood, but more I want to be someone who donates safe blood. And the people at the blood bank just know more about that than I do. So I decided to… follow the rule. Call them, answer their questions and let them decide what was best.

For a strong person who is usually the decision maker, this was a somewhat counterintuitive choice, and for me it was the right one. Do you ever struggle to put a decision in someone else’s hands? Sometimes, I was reminded in this, it’s the more resilient course.

All my best,

Dr. G

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The Best Thing about losing your resilience

Hi! losing your resilience

Last week I asked you about the experience of losing your resilience. So many people responded, well aware that this happens repeatedly and with some great observations about the earliest warning signs that they are not as ready to respond well as they’d like to be. We dove into the truth that resilience is an unpredictable stock.

There’s a lot to learn from that, most importantly that losing your resilience is not a failure. 

Actually, all those experiences of losing your resilience have proven something else as well:

Resilience replenishes.

Think about your own experiences. Even when your resilience is at its lowest, even if you have no idea what to do next or how to be better, it comes back. Whether it’s falling asleep or being around someone you’re connected to or just the passage of time, our brains are truly tireless about survival. So we find ways – new ideas, renewed energy to persevere, thoughts we haven’t thought before – to tackle our lives. When you look back now at times when you were totally tapped out, do you see that you didn’t stay that way?

No matter how low your resilience drops or what you face without the first idea what to do, resilience does return. 

There are lots of things we can do to rebuild resilience (and I certainly do go on and on about those things, don’t I?) but when you don’t know what to do or you’ve run out of energy to try, take heart. Your resilience will be back.

Have you ever noticed your resilience returning even without your particular effort?

All my best,

Dr. G

The post The Best Thing about losing your resilience appeared first on Ask Dr. G.

Losing resilience is not a failure

Hi! losing

Last week I asked you about the experience of losing your resilience. So many people responded, well aware that this happens repeatedly and with some great observations about the earliest warning signs that they are not as ready to respond well as they’d like to be. We dove into the truth that resilience is an unpredictable stock.

There’s a lot to learn from that, most importantly that losing your resilience is not afailure. 

Actually, all those experiences of losing your resilience have proven something else as well:

Resilience replenishes.

Think about your own experiences. Even when your resilience is at its lowest, even if you have no idea what to do next or how to be better, it comes back. Whether it’s falling asleep or being around someone you’re connected to or just the passage of time, our brains are truly tireless about survival. So we find ways – new ideas, renewed energy to persevere, thoughts we haven’t thought before – to tackle our lives. When you look back now at times when you were totally tapped out, do you see that you didn’t stay that way?

No matter how low your resilience drops or what you face without the first idea what to do, resilience does return. 

There are lots of things we can do to rebuild resilience (and I certainly do go on and on about those things, don’t I?) but when you don’t know what to do or you’ve run out of energy to try, take heart. Your resilience will be back.

Have you ever noticed your resilience returning even without your particular effort?

All my best,

Dr. G

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