Deborah Gilboa's Blog, page 4

Protect or strengthen?

There are a lot of important conversations happening in the world right now about who deserves which rights and whose job it is to protect those rights when they exist.

I like important conversations, but I recognize that the root of many of these conversations is fear. Fear that people are getting less safe, especially marginalized people. Fear that the gap between empathy felt and actions taken is widening. And fear that we won’t be able to protect our people, however we define that term. 

The desire to protect is admirable. But protecting is somewhat self-centering, and time-limited as well. Let me start at home as I try to explain what I mean.

I have four sons. From the moment I knew of their existence it was my desire – and responsibility – to protect them. When they were tiny, protecting them was my top priority. As they’ve grown, though, they’re transitioning to people I expect to be able to protect themselves and even others. They’re all bigger than me now, and stronger physically. They’re all moving around the world alone and in groups and I am not, don’t want to be, able to protect them from most challenges. Most people would agree that sometime between tiny and now it was my obligation to make sure they gathered the knowledge, skills and confidence to protect themselves and others. To do that, I had to stop protecting them before I wanted to and focus on strengthening them.

This week I got a question (when you call the website “Ask Doctor G” you get questions!) about protecting staff from close-minded customers. And while I admire the instinct to protect, I asked this person a question I want to ask you:

What if your job isn’t to protect people?

The world is not currently uncomplicating itself. And I’d argue (and might, in some other email) that we’ve given a generation or two of people the idea that they should be protected by others at all costs, that is their parents/teachers/coaches/bosses main job to protect them from disagreement and discomfort. But that’s not possible.

So let’s think and talk about what we can do to focus on strengthening our people instead of putting all our energy into protecting the. Do you disagree? Tell me why! Do you agree? Tell me what you do or might do to make this a reality in your work or your world!

All my best,

Dr. G

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Calling all people pleasers!

I love the idea of people pleasing. The goal is to show compassion and care for the people in your life. To meet them where they are and give them what they need or want. To create experiences for them that make them happy, give them no reason to complain and every reason to honor, respect and value you.

The glitch? It doesn’t work.

This is really an extension of the conversation we were having a few weeks ago about honesty.

If, in order to do what others want, you have to ignore your own needs or feelings, you’re setting yourself up to suffer. After all, decreased authenticity and honesty leads to increased physical symptoms, worsened chronic illness and decreased happiness for you. “That’s ok!” you might be thinking, “I can suffer for the happiness of these people in my life!” And I agree!

Except that doesn’t work either.

Please don’t misunderstand. I bet you’re an expert in the happiness of the people most important to you, and you can often treat them in ways that bring them peace and joy. I do that too and it’s one of my favorite things about myself.

The problem is that you can’t make someone else feel something they don’t want to – or believe they can – feel.

A friend of mine is planning her wedding. And she’s twisted herself into invitation-list knots trying to make her aunts happy with her. She just wants them to be satisfied so that they “won’t gossip about me or complain on the wedding day.” Bet you can see the hole in her logic, right? No one she invites or doesn’t invite will change how these women approach the day. But she is pretty miserable and frustrated while she tries. It’s possible (not likely, but possible) that she could communicate with her aunts and help them see why they might adjust their attitudes. But trying to make them happy – when it’s actually the gossip and complaining they love – isn’t going to work.

People pleasing isn’t bad, IF…

·     What you choose to do is honestly what you want to do·     You aren’t counting on this to make the other person value, respect or love you

Are you able to please people when you choose to and not because you feel you have to? Hit reply and tell me!

All my best,

Dr. G

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Specificity strengthens

Lately I’ve found it hard to fall asleep.* I’m a news junkie and, like any junkie, I have an urge to prioritize my fixation over my health. Anyway, I was encouraged by a piece I read to try a gratitude practice instead of late night news scrolling. And, like yoga, meditation and a bunch of things that work for other people, I got absolutely nowhere. “Name three things you’re grateful for” is both too easy (my kids, my partner, my home) and too hard (I have four kids, not three, and actually so many things I should be grateful for, how can I leave anything or anyone out ever??). 

But I’m stubborn, and tired and then I read Anya Kamanetz’s substack about this. She gave examples of the gratitude texts she trades daily with her dad. These are beautiful and funny and odd, but one thing about each? They’re specific. Neither she nor her dad are trying to encompass all their blessings in any way. So I got specific.

I’m grateful for the angle of the window over my kitchen sink that showed me the sunrise. For the way my 18 year old son gave his little brother a ride to play practice when he asked – even though I wasn’t even home to encourage him to say yes. For how the beach ball socks I’m wearing look poking out of my rain boots. 

Specificity is not only a useful tool for gratitude. The more specific you can be, the more successful you’ll be in any shift you attempt. 

Trying to set better boundaries? Be as specific as you can be about what your priorities are and what you need to protect those priorities.

Want to achieve a goal? Be incredibly specific about what your goal is, and what the first goal is on the road to that bigger goal. 

Need more or better work from your team? Be incredibly clear about your expectations and also about what you will and what you will not do to help them get there.

Want to improve a relationship? Name exactly what that looks like to you – what action or behavior would be an improvement – and then communicate that. 

Resolutions, goals, hopes and dreams are all much less likely to happen when they are vague or general. Success requires specificity.

What are you working on? And how specific can you be?

All my best,

Dr. G

*If this is a chronic issue for you without good solutions, you may want to check out my friend Yana’s resources (and no, she didn’t ask me to share this). You’ll be able to tell just from the url why I think she might be on to something

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You do know what you know

Last week we talked about the brain chemistry of uncertainty. 

I asked you what strategies you use when you are in a place of “waiting to find out” and promised to share some of my strategies. Here is a frame shift that helps me every time.

You may have heard this phrase: “You don’t know what you don’t know.” I use it a lot and maybe you do too. It’s true, but you know what else is true?

You know what you know. 

No matter how much uncertainty you’re navigating, there are things you know that can calm your nervous system. The strategy is this: shift from the “what if” downward spiral to reminding yourself where you are grounded and safe, what you do know and won’t change no matter what the what if. 

Waiting to hear about medical results? You know who your people are and who you can count on to support you. You know how capable you are of asking good questions, following sound advice and advocating for yourself.

Waiting to hear if you got accepted to a school or a job? You know what your skills are and what you can do to learn, to earn, to move towards your goals even if you don’t get this particular opportunity.

Waiting for to hear the answer to your marriage proposal? A date you invited someone on, or a friend to text you back? You know what activities make you happy, that you are lovable, that your value doesn’t lie in any one person’s response to any question, no matter how important. 

So for this week, I’ll ask you this: In the face of an uncertainty in your life right now, what DO you know?

All my best,

Dr. G

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Why does uncertainty suck so much?

I give a lot of people bad news. As a family doctor, a fair amount of my job is letting people know that they have something they wish they didn’t. You might think that hearing a hard diagnosis is the hardest thing someone encounters, especially if you’re lucky enough to never have been in that situation. For everyone who has been in that situation, though, they know that the diagnosis itself – while hard! – is usually not the hardest part. Most often the hardest part is knowing something is going on without having an answer about what it is.

“We’re waiting to find out.” 

Whether you’re waiting to find out biopsy results or about college acceptances or to hear back after an interview or you’re in that breathless pause between a marriage proposal and the answer… you know the pain of uncertainty. I’ve sat with people – and lived myself – through all kinds of uncertainty and it’s hard for a basic neurochemical reason: your amygdala is in charge in those moments.

We’ve talked before about our brain’s reaction to change: the amygdala lights up with stress chemicals that drive us to think about loss, distrust, discomfort. And we’ve talked about the calming mechanism for the amygdala: the (ventro-medial) prefrontal cortex lights up when we think about choices, options, actions. The prefrontal cortex activity slows the amygdala and we start to feel better.

So what do you do in that liminal place before you know enough to consider choices, options, actions? There are several things you can do that work. Today let’s focus on one.

Acknowledge the uncertainty. To yourself, out loud, to your people – name the discomfort and think about how you can manage that discomfort while you wait to find out.  Just acknowledging the feelings this uncertainty brings up for you, the fact and difficulty of it, will build your tolerance to it and help you get through the waiting.

How do you manage the discomfort of uncertainty? Next week I’ll give you some of my own strategies and I’d love to share yours as well.

All my best,

Dr. G

The post Why does uncertainty suck so much? appeared first on Ask Dr. G.

If you’re reading this, I’ve had a heck of a week

Some weeks just get the better of me, you know? 

Actually, this week that I’m writing this did not get the better of me. This week I had some extra time on an airplane and thought to myself “What should I do about the weekly email when I just don’t find the space and time I need to write it?” Better write it now.

So you’re seeing this email because the week you’re reading it, something got the better of me.

Writing to you each week is a privilege, and I’m honored that almost half of you open this email up and read it each week. And it’s a correspondence that matters to me. I learn with and from you every week. I don’ t want to skip writing it ever. But even more important to me is that I not skip sending it. And there will be a week – or several – when I need an email like this waiting in the wings.

Now over to you. What’s something really important to you, something timebound that has a repeating deadline? Something you can’t or really don’t want to miss? Think about it, I’m happy to wait.

Got it? OK.

So what’s the plan for when you can’t get to it?

Not “if.” When.

That shift right there is the difference between stressed and resilient. “If I can’t do it!” lights up all your stress chemicals and pushes you a step closer to overwhelm or burnout. “When I can’t do it” requires planning and communication but takes a lot of the stress reaction out of it. Acknowledging for sure that some day you’re going to miss that deadline means you think of a backup. Or change the expectation you’ve set. Or recruit an understudy who can step into that role for that performance.

So tell me, please, what is it you’ve committed to doing and what is the plan for when you can’t? Hit reply – I’m really interested to know. And since I won’t remember exactly what this email said when I need it to be sent, it will be a very cool surprise to me to read your response!

All my best,

Dr. G

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Weather takes a toll

Are things just a little harder these days? 

If so, I’m sorry to hear it. And also? You’re not alone. I’ve been surprised every day this month at how cold it is and how much time and difficulty that adds to my day! Of note, I live in a place where this happens, I can’t figure out why I’m shocked.

There might, of course, be any number of reasons you’re having a tougher go of things right now – from personal challenges to world news to budget season. Today I want to focus on something we often ignore:

The weather (and weather-like obstacles).

If it’s really cold or snowy or incredibly rainy where you live, that impacts your resilience. If you have a lot more chores than normal or something small breaks at home, if you have to train someone new at work while doing your regular job, if you agreed to watch your friends’ kids for a couple of hours or your parent asks you to add a few things to your grocery run… none of these challenges are big disruptions. None of these are even unexpected. And each of them can drain your resilience for a space of time.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t do those things. Dealing with the weather, keeping our homes running, doing our jobs (even when there’s a little extra), helping someone out – these are all part of life. 

What I’m saying is that recognizing the impacts on your resilience is valuable. Valuable in three ways:

You’ll better understand your own reactionsYou can take into consideration the extra time or focus you will needYou can plan a little recovery for yourself 

Our brains see all change as risky, but unplanned change is riskier and our reactions are less predictable. If you go about your day as usual when there are additional challenges thrown in – even as simple putting on all that winter gear, clearing off the car, stripping all the wet gear off again when you finish – your brain struggles a bit more to stay even and calm. 

So when you’re considering your own state of mind (and I hope you do), factor in the “usual” stressors and give them the attention they need. That makes you smarter and more resilient!

How’s your weather treating you?

All my best,

Dr. G

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Prioritizing the Fires

Wherever you live in the world, chances are you are seeing images of real devastation in your news feed. If you are living in one of those areas I pray for your safety and good recovery. For everyone watching, you have some decisions to make – and I bet they are weighing heavily.

Upon seeing tragedy, compassionate people think “What should I do? What can I do?” Those are admirable questions and that drive to reach out strengthens you and helps others. But often, on the heals of those thoughts come doubts and fears. “What could I possibly do that would matter? Where should I put my resources when there are so many in need? If I give too much won’t I put my own life and loved ones in jeopardy?” 

Both sets of questions are important and useful. The tension between them can drain your resilience, leaving you frozen, avoidant or frustrated. So what is the resilient answer? 

Of the eight resilience skills, this one primarily calls for setting boundaries. As we’ve talked about before, setting boundaries isn’t about saying no.  Setting boundaries is the skill of matching your actions to your actual priorities. In the case of trying to create a positive social impact – whether that’s by donating money or stuff or time or space in your home or airline miles or whatever – you are best served by putting this admirable priority into the mix with your other priorities. 

Other people’s fires should be a priority for us. As human beings we are tied together. When we see suffering, the part of our brain that processes our own pain is stimulated. We count on each other for safety and comfort. Rather than perseverating on what we can’t accomplish or who we can’t help, do some small thing that doesn’t put you or your own people in jeopardy. See how it goes. Maybe do another small thing.  In this way we can make a real difference and stay a connected, resilient part of our whole world. 

If you know of a need, please let me know. And if you want to tell me about a way you filled a need, I’d love to hear!

All my best,

Dr. G

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The missing ingredient might be honesty

We’ve been talking about the power of narrative, and it is strong indeed. Narrative – the story we tell ourselves and others about a circumstance, event or opportunity – can change feelings, change outlook, change the future.  honesty

Narrative changes all these things by altering our brain chemistry – decreasing the fear-based chemicals and increasing our openness to possibilities, our approach and ultimately success as we define it. 

But, for all that good to come, we have to make sure that the story we’re telling is not only focused on learning and possibility. It has to also be true. 

One of you brilliant folks wrote to me after last week’s message (Carlota please hyperlink that to the blog post from last week) and pointed out a way narrative can cause harm. If you tell yourself a story that isn’t true. If you pretend to yourself that you don’t feel what you do, that someone else’s motives are good when you know they are not, if you ignore harm that is happening – or exaggerate harm in order to get sympathy, if you disregard facts… any of these are ways that we can accidentally make things worse. Crafting a narrative is key to resilience – crafting a false narrative will undermine your success. Lying to yourself will make you less resilient. 

The first tenet of resilience is to be honest with yourself. You may or may not choose to share what you feel or know with anyone else, but don’t waste time or your mental health, by lying to yourself.

Is there anything you need to be more honest with yourself about? Comment and tell me if you’d like. I’ll keep it confidential and be really proud of you for working on this!

All my best,

Dr. G

honesty

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You write your story

Hi! write your story

You are not the sum of your experiences. You are actually the sum of your narrative. 

Here’s what I mean. You are impacted, affected, maybe even brought low (or high) by what happens to you. That’s all true. However, you are not defined by those events or feelings. You are defined by how you choose to 

look at,

speak about,

learn from 

what happens to you. 

What happens to you is often not in your control. Many of these changes (stresses) you didn’t choose. But you have total control over your responses and the story you tell yourself when they do. 

This year is going to be whatever you make of it. That may feel overwhelming, that may feel exciting, that may feel confusing. I’m here for all of those reactions. This week I’m just asking you to consider if you agree with this. If you do agree, please hit reply and tell me one thing you’re experiencing that you want to improve your story about. And if you disagree, please hit reply and help me find the holes in this theory. 

And happy new year!

All my best,

Dr. G

write your story

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