Deborah Gilboa's Blog, page 3

I have a small challenge for you

Happy June! Would you join me in a small challenge? It costs nothing and doesn’t take much time, I promise.

You see, I have learned a lot in the past few years about the higher stress times of the year (generally speaking) and for most people summer has a little less calendar-induced stress. School years end, even work schedules slow a bit as response times have a little more lag and people offer each other a little more understanding. Now, for all my amazing camp people – this is challenge is NOT for you. I’ll catch you in the fall!

For everyone else though, every time I write about finding resilience around back-to school, or the holidays or the dark of winter or tax season (you get the idea) I’ve thought, “We should be thinking about prevention when things are easier, not only rescue when things are rough.”

And so launched my idea of a Summer Strengthening Challenge. This is not about your rectus abdominus muscles (abs) – it’s about your resilience! Once a month I’m going to send out a quick challenge – thing you can do now that will help you out later. I’ll do it myself and I hope you’ll do it too!

Summer Strengthening Challenge for June: Finding Options

Knowing how to find options makes you more likely to successfully navigate change (be resilient) but it takes practice. Our brains want to go with the first idea we (or anyone) names. Think of the last time you ordered food with people and had to pick a restaurant – chances are you went with the first place someone suggested. But if that one had been closed, you’d have had a harder time getting to eat when you wanted to without backup options. So here’s my challenge for you:

Instructions: The next time you need to make a simple choice – what music to listen to, what to eat, what you’ll do for the evening, don’t pick until you’ve named three possibilities. THEN pick from those.

That’s it! Just that practice in giving yourself three options before choosing will improve your resilience. And if you do it, will you tell me about it? I’d really appreciate it!

All my best,

Dr. G

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What is your “set point” for bad?

You are an incredibly insightful group of humans. Many of you were generous enough to respond to my question last week: What makes the difference for you between a bad day and a difficult day?

In aggregate, I learned a few things from your responses. 

One is that you’re a pretty resilience group! That makes sense – you subscribe to a weekly email about resilience, it tracks from there that you’re likely to focus on resilience in your own life.

Two, your insights all focused on what you’ve learned or lessons you have for others – that’s another lens on the generosity I mentioned, and I’m grateful to spend this time with you each week.

The last is about the difference itself. My summary of your perspectives is this: “Difficult” tips over to “bad” based on the impact on your life. Several people described difficult turning to bad when it makes them feel undermined, insecure, fundamentally less than in some way. Others said it depended on the volume of “difficult” – that it can pile up enough to become bad. And still others focused on their own ability to fix or change the situation – if the impact is so profound that you can’t change it, you just have to survive it, that is bad. 

Almost everyone gave examples, and most people measured “bad” against the worst things they’ve experienced or could imagine. Which has me wondering… do we each have a “set point” for struggle? This is certainly observable in children – some kids bang their toe or lose their balloon and are devastated, inconsolable for a time. Others shrug and go play. And most are in between. 

So my next question is this: what has created your “set point” for challenge? A set point in science is the measurement at which a system works to maintain below, at or above for a certain safety. In this case, I’m curious about our individual set points for difficulty. Below that “number” it’s difficult, above that, it’s bad. What do you feel influences your own set point?

Thanks for replying for anyone with the time to share your insights and I’ll be working on moving this conversation to strategies we can all use for ourselves and the people in our lives.

All my best,

Dr. G

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Bad? Or just difficult?

Remember five years ago, during the first months of COVID when you’d ask someone how they were? The expectation was that no one was “fine.” People who answered that way were met with skepticism, or an invitation to say how they really were doing. And some of the answers went deep.

These days I’m seeing a return to a baseline assumption that things are rough. The good news here is that we are connecting on a more meaningful level, and that people are somewhat freer to talk about their actual feelings and experiences. The bad news is a sense that nothing and no one is truly OK, that “everything is bad.” 

Far be it from me to tell anyone how they’re feeling. Your feelings are yours and no one should chastise or argue with you about them.

I am curious though, if we need to – for our own sakes – parse out the difference between “bad” and “difficult.”

A man I really respect told me recently that he’s had lots of difficult days, but hasn’t had a bad day since 1988. I asked him to dive into the difference and he gave me lots of examples of difficult from financial struggles to family members having a hard time to monster sized travel obstacles to health challenges. Then he described what would be a “bad” day, like being in a plane crash or losing your home and all your one-of-a-kind belongings to a house fire. 

He reminded me of my mom who used to say “If you’re still breathing, you have choices. You may not like any of them but you have them – pick one and move forward.” 

I’m still sussing this out myself, but I think the difference between bad and difficult lies in how far out of your control the problem is and how big the impact on your life. I want to get clearer about this and so I ask you:

What makes the difference for you between a bad day and a difficult day?

I look forward to figuring this out with you!

All my best,

Dr. G

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Life WILL go sideways

We got power back! It took a few days – and there are still folks in our city without it – and it was a good, frustrating, useful experience for me. 

If you’ll forgive the metaphor, this really brought home to me the lack of control we often have over our own power. Outside factors can impact you and your ability to do what you need to do – let alone what you want to do – with no notice at all. We’ve all experienced a sudden illness or weather emergency that throws our plans into chaos.

I want to point out to you that you have three strategies you might not be leaning into enough to help protect you. 

Before hand? A few extras. A backup dinner in the freezer, a little money set aside if you can, a favor you can call in from a friend, a pre-written email explaining that you’re “out of pocket” for a few days due to unforeseen circumstances… All these are protective when things go sideways.

When the situation hits? Empathy. Are you giving yourself the grace and space that you would give someone else experiencing what is happening to you when you’re caught by something outside your control? Berating yourself, allowing you to say to YOU things you would never say to someone else about blame, laziness, stupidity is just cruel. Don’t be cruel to yourself, be kind. 

After the chaos? Clarity. Be clear with your people and your priorities about what is possible and what is going to have to pause. You don’t need to apologize for doing this triage – it’s the adult, professional thing to do. 

Are you currently in the beforehand, the during or the after? Or… yes, all that? Hit reply and tell me. 

All my best,

Dr. G

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The power I’m finding in losing power

Did you ever play that thought game as a kid where you said what superpower you would have, if you could choose? What did you pick? I always picked time travel. Paradoxes be damned, I’ve always wanted to travel to different whens just as much or even more than I dream of traveling to different wheres.

Well, this week I am writing to you on my phone in my dark home. Pittsburgh experienced a worse storm on Tuesday than we have in decades. A storm that has set our personal household back about a hundred years to a time when we might have had running water and a cook stove but no electricity. 

I’m still figuring out what I’m learning from this, but so far I’ve got 3 lessons. 

First, I’m more grateful every hour for my community. For the cafe owner not too far away (who was my first boss art a day camp in 1989) who welcomed us for breakfast yesterday and told us to bring all our chargers and eat next to the outlets. For my sister in law and her open door, open electricity policy. For fridge and freezer space (my groceries are all over the 412 area code). 

Second, my boys and I can’t stop observing how lucky we are that the row of row houses we live in went undamaged when just a few homes in either direction did not fare so well. That it’s not too cold or too hot to live without hvac. That we like candle light and still have water. That the cell tower came back online for us within 24 hours. That we like each other and so the lots of extra togetherness is mostly a good thing.

And last, despite my love for the unexpected, my appreciation for disruptions, I’m shocked by how thrown I am by this fundamental shift in what’s possible. It’s a new kind of uncomfortable for me, one I personally did not feel during the pandemic lockdown.  

The power company says we (all 155,000 homes still without power) should be back up by this time next week. So I’ll see what else I learn and where this takes me. If you have any thoughts, I’m interested! 

All my best, 

Dr. G

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Overexplain much?

I write a lot of proposals, pitches and “hey I have a great idea and you should pay me for it” emails. And the only reason I get a yes to any of them is that I have an amazing person on my team who edits those. My grammar is decent, my spelling is fine, my ideas are solid. But sweet baby Moses do I use too many words.

Hi, my name is Debi and I’m an over-explainer.

Are you? 

Do you find in certain situations that you want to write a whole history in an email or need someone you’re asking for something to listen to your whole TED talk before they say anything? It’s probably because you’re addressing a situation that feels (or actually is) out of your control. This desire to keep talking and describing and clarifying and justifying is a manifestation of stress. 

We hope, in those moments, that saying more words will give us more control over the outcome. But after the salient points and the ask, it’s really mostly noise. 

More words does not equal more control.

So the next time you find yourself overexplaining, try this:

Ask yourself what you’re trying to controlFigure out what part of that is actually in your controlFocus on that while you wait to hear what the other person will say or do

Because that IS more control and that will make your brain feel safer. 

I’ll stop there. Over to you – what do you find yourself wanting to overexplain lately?

All my best,

Dr. G

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Competing Priorities

“Stretched too thin!” “Pulled in a million directions.” “Burning the candle at both ends.”

There are a lot of ways we reference the idea of competing priorities and they all sound like medieval torture. 

It’s easy for us to feel that competing priorities can’t help but wear down our stamina, lead to overwhelm and drain our resilience. I totally get this. As a mom of four kids (with only 6 years between the oldest and the youngest) they often felt like my competing priorities! Until I learned an important lesson of resilience:

Multiple priorities describes exactly the life I want. 

When someone puts all the energy into work or focuses on family to the exclusion of everything else or gets obsessed by a cause  we immediately recognize how unhealthy that can be. As a society we’ve learned in the past few generations how valuable and strengthening it is to have time for our work, for a partner, for kids if we have them, for passions and interests, for rest. That means learning how to navigate multiple priorities.

The scaffold that will help you push multiple boulders uphill (we really need more upbeat metaphors for this, don’t we?) is this:

Name the struggle. Speaking out loud – even just to yourself – that you are dealing with multiple, competing priorities will help you focus on solutions.Check in with your priorities. Are each of the things you’re dealing with actually important to you? Do these stresses each deserve your energy? If no, refocus on the ones that do.Decide on one next step for each. You don’t have to understand where you’ll find the time and energy to handle all of everything. You need to decide the next thing you’ll do towards each goal. 

You likely do want to have a full life – and that means multiple, often competing priorities. Where are your priorities pulling you in different directions right now? Can you figure out the next step for each?

All my best,

Dr. G

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The gap between empathy and action

Much of my work focuses on strategies that build resilience. One focus is the strategies we can use to help other people navigate change when they’re struggling, and one of those strategies is empathy.

Empathy is a really useful strategy to help others find their resilience… IF.

IF this is someone who trusts you.

And, if this someone who trusts you is also able to use that empathy to take a step forward towards their goal. 

Often, though, we use empathy as a box to check, proof to ourselves that we’re good people rather than as a strategy to aid someone else’s success. 

When I teach people about empathy we talk about the difference between empathy and helping. When your goal is to strengthen someone so that they can move themselves forward, empathy can be a really useful tool. When you want to assist someone – especially someone you’ve just met or don’t know personally – action is just as valuable as empathy. And empathy without action can be an empty gesture. 

The gap between empathy felt and action taken, when we are focused on communities at risk or groups of people who have suffered a tragedy, leads to more suffering, not less. In m own quest to feel and express empathy I find I let myself off the hook about making a tangible difference in other people’s lives. In the words of one of you wise people in this community, it seems people feel “like they can just post on social media and that is “taking action” when we are at a time (in my opinion anyway) when we need to actually stand up and actually do things IRL.”

I see myself in that and want to close the gap between empathy and action. How do you put your own empathy into action?

All my best,

Dr. G

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How to have it all

Yesterday I learned something powerful and I want to share it with you. 

On the Think Tank on Resilience (are you signed up for it? It’s a great community), I asked Scott Livesay, who is concurrently the CEO of two multimillion dollar companies, “What do you do personally when you notice that your resilience is dropping?” 

He explained that he will make a list of all his priorities, and then divide them into three categories. The first is high priority, has to have his attention stuff. The next is stuff that is really important but someone else could do as well (or better) and he can delegate. The third – and this is the one that blew my mind a little – is stuff he can pause.

OK, maybe this was obvious to you. If so, awesome. I’ll see myself out. But if, like me, you’re really pondering this? Let me explain why I’m so intrigued.

Postponement is a topic I’ve been learning and leading about for the past few months, in the area of stress response and self-regulation. Postponement has great benefits – and I’ll talk about that next week – for our mental health. This – what Scott does with his to do list – is a benefit I hadn’t considered. 

What if we could all decide that, when competing priorities or unexpected challenges arise, we should decide what to pause? Not give up, not walk away from, just put on hold and reevaluate? Scott says he gets back to that list every 90 days or so. I would definitely have to set an alarm in my calendar to do that. 

Well I’m in. I’m going to take three things from my to do list and put them on a new “look at it in 90 days” list. 

Making a photo album for my family for 2024 Figuring out life and disability and long-term care insuranceHelping my 16 year old redecorate his room

All those things matter to me, they are all part of who I mean to be… but they can pause.

How about you? What’s on your list or in your head as a “oh, I really keep meaning to do that” action?

Can you pause a few and stop wasting energy feeling less than about them? Because that is the resilience advantage in this exercise – knowing that you’re not behind, you’ve made a decision to postpone.

All my best,

Dr. G

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Is there anything better than hearing you made a difference?

The last few weeks have been very on-the-road for me. One of my favorite experiences when I’m visiting client organizations or speaking at conferences is… you. Meeting some of the folks who receive and read my weekly emails gives me a lift and reconnects me to my purpose. So first of all thank you! Thank you to the folks who tell me after sessions or in airport bathrooms or convention center hallways “Hey, I get your emails!” that makes such a positive impact on me. 

But what does this mean for you? Besides please find me and introduce yourself and tell me what I can do better, it means this:

Where do you make a difference? 

Yes you do. Seriously, I know some of you thought “I don’t” or “I’m not sure I do.” Not so. 

There is some way in which you are making a positive impact on someone or something that matters to you. What is it? Don’t wait for them to tell you (though I hope they do) – mark it for yourself. 

Fully 85% of adults say that one of their goals is to make a positive difference in the world. But the world rarely calls you up to tell you that you’re making that difference. You can increase your impact and strengthen your own resilience and mental health by noting your own positive metrics. When you make someone smile or help someone with a task or pick up a piece of litter, notice that! Fight your brain’s negative bias – the inclination to note more strongly and remember better that which feels frightening or risky or dangerous or upsetting – and take a mental picture of the good you do. This also creates a positive spiral. The good feeling you get from doing good and remembering it will make you more likely to do it again.

And tell me! I want to know about your good. 

All my best,

Dr. G

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