HastyWords's Blog, page 42

KEEP ON KEEPING ON

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I can’t keep up

Though I step up

And throw down

Every single second

I’m struggling

Just to show up

Trying not to give up

And people keep

Speaking and screaming

And I keep on

Dodging the words

That they keep on

Spitting up

But I’m scared dude

Mother fucking

Full of fear accrued

Amplified and skewed

I’m driving myself mad

Can’t see a way out

It’s as if I am glued

To this goddamn feud

Inside my head

And my attitude

Limits my fortitude

Effecting the solitude

Of the world I’m in

And I am worried

Everyone is so hurried

That I will drown

In the magnitude

Of all my decisions

Completely alone

Piling up consequences

Punching me in the gut

As I keep on

Doing the only thing I can

Keeping on

Keeping on

Tagged: Angst, ANXIETY, Depression, Fear, lyrics, POEM, POETRY, RAP, SELF DESTRUCTION, Struggle, TEENAGER

YOUR LIFE WILL CHANGE FOREVER

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There are moments that change your life forever. Several moments actually if you live for a good amount of time. Opportunities will come and go. You’ll have to be strong enough to survive some of them. You’ll have to give each decision its day in court.

Not everything will come down to how intelligent you are or how compassionate, strong, or patient. It won’t matter how together you seem to have it or how experienced. Shit will happen. You will have a choice to make.

I would recommend distancing yourself from emotions first. Look at the facts. It may take time to get to this point. This is where patience comes in.

If something tragic happens find people who will be patient and kind. People who will let you cry. Those who will let you collapse but will be there to hold you up when you have nothing left.

Don’t do it yourself.

Your life will change forever. More than once.

You can’t prepare for those moments.

Just know they are waiting for you.

Tagged: Alone, CHANGE, Death, Disaster, Heartache, Pain, Positivity, Strength, Trauma

I NEED TO DO BETTER

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I don’t feel like I am a negative person.

Do I get weighed down sometimes in all the shit I read and witness? Yes.

Do I let it keep me from trying to do good? No.

Do I try to stay positive even when the depths of Hell raise up and try to devour us in one big delicious bite? Yes I do.

Does my perspective get twisted sometimes? Do I get angry at the injustice? At the hatred? At the oversimplifications we seem to stand guard over? Yes I do.

Do I pray for better? Yes

Do I leave it with prayer and just expect God to make all the necessary changes? Hell No.

I see a lot wrong and obviously you have to be a somewhat positive person to try to tip the balance in this world.

It takes more than wanting better or praying for better.

It starts with paying attention to those growing up. It comes down to our kids. They really are the light we need… but if we don’t take that responsibility seriously they will be the reason we find ourselves in the dark.

Is it really that simple? Fuck no.

Raising kids is hard. Half the people I know had shit childhoods. Only a small percentage of those do the work they have to do to parent themselves because they had a shit childhood.

Bottom line…

We need to take our responsibilities seriously and do better.

You need to do better.

I need to do better.

Tagged: ACTION, Childhood, Emotional, emotions, Feelings, Mental Health, Pain, Positivity, prayer, RAISING KIDS, Rant, Responsibility

EMOTIONAL VOMIT

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I’m a big fan of honesty.  I think if we hurt we should speak.  We shouldn’t suffer in silence.  But I have learned, over and over again, not every feeling or emotion needs to see the light of day in order for us to heal.  In fact, voicing certain feelings can be harmful to other people as well as to ourselves.  Especially those feelings you might be blaming somebody else for.

Give yourself time to think about what is hurting you.  I have a tendency of saying how I feel when I am in a triggered state.  I am emotionally bulimic.  All too often I am vomiting emotions I should be giving myself time to digest.

I think most of us have said things that “we didn’t mean”, or in the context of any given situation we would not have said had we understood things more clearly.   Letting our words fly when we are triggered or highly emotional can be damaging.

I am not saying don’t speak and try to communicate when you are grieving, feeling shame, or really need someone to listen.  But be sure the person you are talking to is trustworthy.  The last thing you need is someone backbiting about you when you are struggling.  What I am saying is when you are dealing with strong emotions like anger, jealousy, or disgust it is often best to wait to communicate once you’ve found some clarity.  Many times those feelings will resolve themselves naturally.

Think hard before

You speak your truth

Especially feelings

That could

Maybe and

Very essentially possibly

Be grounded in fantasy

Pure fictional

Irrationality

Because sometimes

Lies will twist themselves

Into your reality

And if you give them life

These fantastical demons

You’ll have to live with them

And if you live with them

You’ll have to sleep with them

They’ll chew you up and

They’ll devour you

Night after night

Dream after dream

They will taint your morrow

And splinter all your bones

Turning what was sweet

Into a whole lot of sour

And you’ll try to spit them

Back into the darkness

But it’ll be too late

Because remember

You gave life to them

And then you’ll crumble

And probably cower too

Under the weight of them

While they march around

Trying to deflower you

You’ll regret your choice

To set them free

And you’ll try to hide them

Write it off as a moment

Of spontaneous insanity

You’ll dress them up

Masquerade them

Like puppets on stage

Let them sing

Do Ra Mi or some shit

While you die a little bit

Strangling and suffocating

Under ever single outfit

You’ll pretend a lot

Sign your name away

On every pretty dot

But in the end

Not even Cocaine

Or a Vodka tonic

Will chase those demons

Back to the moment

You spoke life into them

Tagged: Anger, Dark Poetry, Emotion, Emotional, Jealousy, Mental Health, Mental Illness, Poet, POETRY, Shame

SHE SAT IN HER MINIVAN

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She sat wondering what he saw in her

She wasn’t the colorful person anymore

The one that laughed louder than most

Danced until her legs gave way to gravity

She wasn’t the girl with the goth hair

Or the one wearing the fishnets and heels

She wasn’t that girl anymore

She was too old, too wrinkled, too tired

She could feel the air trying to kill her

It wanting to turn her into dust, bury her

She didn’t have manikin smooth skin

And she can’t sneeze or she will pee

There are a million other girls, younger

Beautiful skin, pretty colors, funky hair

Tattoos, piercings, badass attitudes

All riding on the backs of motorcycles

While she sits watching in her minivan

Tagged: Aging, Dark Poetry, Depression, Elderly, Heartache, life, love, Old, Pain, POETRY, Romance

EMOTIONAL STORM

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Crashes about on rocks

Sharp, cutting, slicing

The wind keeps following

Pushing me to move

But I don’t want to, can’t

Legs feel like headstones

As sand etches words

Into my broken skin

My lips hide from hope

As my heart leaps

And falls back again

A painfully dark cycle

I stand as a wall against

The threatening storm

And I will die fighting

That which is stronger

And braver than I am

Tagged: Dark Poetry, Depression, Emotion, Emotional, Fight, Hurt, Mental Health, Pain, POETRY, Storm

I HOPE YOU FIND YOUR STRENGTH

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I was raised by my dad to believe I was strong.  That I could do anything I put my mind to.  And I believed him.  When it came to work ethic and morality I was as strong as most.  Put a goal in front of me and I would smash it to pieces.  But… when it came to the opposite sex I was fairly clueless as to what strong looked like.

I believed it was like a job.  I am to make the man happy.  Do whatever it is they like.  Follow their lead.  I worked hard to look and act as expected.  I mean that’s how it’s supposed to be right?  Our typical marriage vows encourage that.  Even the bible speaks of our submission. Now that I am older and wiser I see how those verses are misunderstood and taken out of context.

I am not blaming the opposite sex for the culture we live in now.  We are a product of history.  I don’t want to be complacent in my role as a woman.  We can’t change history but we can make sure history looks different for our children.

Men and women are both guilty of  putting women through hell.  As a gender we judge, brutalize, scold, demean and quite often neglect our fellow sisters.  It’s no wonder why so many feel alone.

Many of us are having to learn to fight for ourselves.  Especially us women.  I am proud of us because we are making progress.  We are learning to use our voices.  We are learning to stop listening to those who need us to feel worthless or weak.

I guess for my own submission for this Strong Independent Women series I wanted to encourage women to take a look at themselves and those around them.  Dig deep and find the strength you were born with and dust it off.  Give it new life.  Learn to fight for yourself.

It’s not easy but you can do it.

Some of us have already come through hell.  Look around and find us. We can help.

 

Tagged: blogger, Compassion, love, Prompt, Series, Strength, Strong, Woman, women, Writing, Writing Prompt

WE ARE ALL STRONG by Elaheh Bos

Around Valentine’s Day of this year my daughter told me she was going to celebrate strong women.  She said not everyone has a boyfriend and (she was 12) not everyone wants one.  So I thought let’s do it.

So the question is simple.  If you were going to celebrate a strong independent woman in your life who would it be and why?   What qualities do strong independent women have?

My guest today is an inspiration to me and she has such a beautiful heart.  I hope you visit her website PlantLoveGrow .  Plant Love Grow creates support tools and resources to assist parents, teachers and health professionals.  I promise it is worth a look.

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I lost my mother to cancer when I was nineteen and for a long time this loss consumed me because I felt cheated by life. Mostly, and sadly, it was the fact that I felt like I hardly knew who my mother really was that pained me. The more I learned about her life after her death and the challenges she overcame to raise us as she did, the more I wished she had opened up to us, if only to reveal the multi-faceted sides of her true self. I would have liked to understand the ache behind the tears, to witness the strength each stoke against the norm demanded, to feel her rise from the ashes of pain and finally understand why she chose silence over words. My mother lived with courage when her world demanded her to live small. She was true to herself, and for that I am ever so grateful.

Strong Independent Woman Day (to me) is not about ironing out our superhero’s cape so that it has a few less creases as we stand on the float of illusion. It is about acknowledging that as women, we are all strong, always. It is an innate quality to womanhood. An already present ingredient to our being. It is in our blood from all the women before us, just waiting for each of us to activate the magic. We each do so in different ways, independent and unique in how we choose to show that strength.

May we celebrate the beauty and uniqueness each one of us brings.

[image error]Elaheh Bos is the founder of Plant Love Grow, a resource site that creates tools to help parents, teachers and health professionals. She is a passionate public speaker, an artist, author and entrepreneur who believes in our innate capacity to bloom. She loves to write books, create new journals and collaborate on different projects with amazing people.

Photo credit: Sabine Yimlim

 

 

Just one of the items I bought my daughter that she loved. If you click on the picture you can see inside

A STRONG WOMAN KNOWS WHAT SHE NEEDS by Kelly Wilson

It has been a few ticks around the clock since I announced I wanted to do a strong independent woman series in honor of my daughter. Several people sent me their submissions and all of them have been very gracious to give me some time off before posting them.

The truth is I needed these in my own quest to become a stronger woman and I hope you will garner something wonderful from them as well.  For the next several weeks, as I get the time to post, you will read what being a strong woman means to my guests and perhaps some advice or a look into a particular woman who made a difference to them.

Enjoy the series!

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Strength is all about action.

Women have been socialized to avoid strength of all kinds. Physically, we have been told not to bulk up with too many muscles or we won’t “be beautiful.” We have to have certain hairstyles and shoes and makeup, and we need to dress certain ways in order to “be feminine.”

Emotionally, we have been conditioned to take care of everyone’s needs before our own. Family members are fed, loved, and clothed before we even finish that first hot cup of coffee in the morning. Spiritually, the tradition is that women are seen and not heard; they certainly do not lead. Forget being in tune with what we want, what we need, and our intrinsic value. We have had the strength drained from us, and we don’t know how to replace it.

This lack of women owning their strength helps everyone else. This might be nice for them, but it tears us apart. Fortunately, there are three marks of strength that women can develop so that we can take our lives back.

A Strong Woman Knows What She Needs

Women have been so conditioned to be out of touch with themselves that it can be difficult for us to even know what we need. I know women who are not even sure what they like to do, watch, or eat anymore, much less identify the needs in their souls that require fulfillment.

That’s okay – realizing that we can even know what we need is a great place to start. After a lifetime in recovery from childhood sexual abuse, I spent several years learning how to feel and identify emotions, following their trail to finally discovering what it is that I need. One emotion at a time.

Exhausting? Yes, but it takes me far less time now to identify my needs. I know, however, that I absolutely need plenty of sleep, times of quiet through the day, regular meals with protein, no refined sugar, my meds, and exercise every day. Whenever I feel out of sorts, I go back to this simple list of needs for help.

A Strong Woman States What She Needs

Nobody really knows what I need except for me. It is my responsibility to state those needs clearly in order to take the best care of myself.

One of the great things about stating what you need is that nobody can say, “How dare you?” They’re your needs. If you say to a loved one, “You never talk to me!” then this is a set up for a fight. However, if you say, “I need more communication each day with you for the sake of a healthy relationship,” there’s a greater chance that you’ll actually get what you need.

Once you have a list of your needs, practice saying them in the mirror. It will feel weird, but it is an excellent way to build the strength you need to get what you need to feel healthy and strong.

A Strong Woman Advocates for What She Needs

In Weight Watchers, I have heard several stories of women whose family members sabotage their efforts to lose weight and live healthier, more active lives. Family members bring home pizza and ice cream, offer verbal discouragement, or simply do not care or offer any support at all.

As my fellow women have talked about these instances during meetings, I have seen and felt strength grow in our combined efforts. One of our group realizations was that nobody is going to advocate for us. And this is okay.

This opens us up to continue to advocate for ourselves. If we know what we need and we practice stating what we need, then we can continue to do both of those in order to get what we need.

Our needs are important. We matter.

Knowing this is real strength.

[image error]Kelly Wilson is an author and comedian who entertains and inspires with stories of humor, healing, and hope. She is the author of Live Cheap and Free, Don’t Punch People in the Junk, and Kelly Wilson’s The Art of Seduction: Nine Easy Ways to Get Sex From Your Mate. Her latest book, Caskets From Costco, has been chosen as a finalist in the 18th annual Foreword Reviews’ INDIEFAB Book of the Year Awards, the 10th annual National Indie Excellence Book Awards, and the 2016 Readers’ Favorite International Book Award Contest. She is the founder of PTSD Parent, a website and podcast that educates, supports, and inspires all people living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in their homes and families. Kelly Wilson currently writes for a living and lives with her Magically Delicious husband, junk-punching children, dog, cat, and stereotypical minivan in Portland, Oregon. Read more about her at http://www.wilsonwrites.com and on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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Tagged: Beautiful, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, Independence, INDEPENDENT, INEPENDENT WOMEN, Inspiration, love, Strength, Strong, STRONG WOMEN, Woman, women

ASSAULT ON SE TEXAS -by Don Ortolano

I received this email last Friday and wanted to share what my friend wrote.  It reminds me of C.S. Lewis’s THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS, which is among my favorite written work.

As my friend was in Texas enduring Harvey’s violence I was sitting here in Oklahoma wishing I could help somehow.  Other than writing a few friends and offering them a place to stay I could only watch as my friends were struggling. And now here I sit worried about my friends who have to worry about Irma.

Thank you Don for sharing this with me.  With us.

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Assault on SE Texas

My Miscalculations

Written by H. Harvey, Commanding

 

The plan of assault was brilliant both strategically and tactically. It has been well thought out. It would be a two-pronged attack on various locations of the Texas, Gulf.

Objective: Total devastation, loss of life, loss of morale and complete despair.

Length of Campaign: Six days of continued and relentless attacks against various and diverse locations.

I had little doubt that the campaign would succeed and result in the desired objectives. It started well and I utilized both surprise and stealth.

They knew I was coming, but they didn’t know what to expect. Meteorologists throughout the area knew I was coming, but they couldn’t predict where I would hit first. They couldn’t see my overall strength, though they correctly warned that I was in no hurry to accomplish my objectives. I would move slowly, ensuring maximum damage inflicted upon the area and the population.

I would hit first in the southern portion of the state and move effectively Northeast. My plan was to create moments of false security and it worked perfectly. I made land fall on three different occasions, with different targets each time. It was brilliant. They never would expect or anticipate this. They were not prepared to resist the hell I was ready to unleash.

I targeted Corpus as for my initial assault but feigned ever so slightly, hitting Rockport with a full out, frontal assault. I utilized all the forces at my disposal: wind, rain, tornadoes, etc. Rockport stood no chance. I demolished her quickly and effectively. She lay broken and bleeding in my wake. It was exhilarating.

I feigned again, acting as if I was losing Hurricane strength, but all the while knowing that my next tactic would not be winds: it would be rain and flooding. Such rain and flooding as has never been seen here ever before. An 800-year flood. Houston and surrounding towns and cities were next to feel my fury.

Oh, how it succeeded. The bayou’s, rivers and lakes had never felt anything like the wrath I unleashed upon them. I dropped over 20 TRILLION gallons of rain on the area. 20 Trillion! Do you have any idea what that represents? It represents enough water to supply New York City’s water needs for over 30 years. That’s what I dropped on Houston and surrounding area’s over just a three-day period. I was relentless and it was glorious. How the area staggered under the weight of my attack.

My objective was being realized…. I killed people, as planned. I killed First responders, I killed children, I killed families and I even killed their pets. They could not stand against me. I loved seeing their tears and cries for help.

Riding a victorious high, I allowed some areas to think my assault had subsided. Then I turned and attacked again… Port Arthur was destroyed, I cut off the water supply in Beaumont and they had to run for cover. Total victory was mine and I relished in it.

However, certain events happened which I had not calculated for.

In the midst of my fury, in the midst of the devastation I witnessed things which surprised me. I saw Black people, White people, Hispanic people and Asian people banding together to hold the line against me. That was not supposed to happen. I was counting on division and hate. That’s what I was led to believe would contribute to my total victory. That did not happen. These Texans would not leave anyone behind… no matter their race or political point of view. That was not supposed to happen. They would not even leave their animals behind. Time and time again, reports came to me of people willing to risk death then leave a family pet. This was not calculated.

They were supposed to lose hope, they were supposed to wallow in the destruction around them and that did not happen. I heard the singing coming from a shelter one night. SINGING! I had taken everything from them and they were singing! How could one calculate that?

They were supposed to lose faith. How could they hold on to faith when my wrath did everything conceivable to destroy faith?

That one man, holding his little son’s hand emerging from the flood waters. I had taken everything from him: his home, his clothes, his car … everything… And when that reporter asked him what he was feeling? He said he Thanked God? Thanked God!! What manner of people was I dealing with here?

I calculated that they would lose courage. But the first responders working with no food or sleep for days? that surprised me. The Police officer, Sargent Perez. He was days from retirement… He didn’t have to answer the call. Yet, he spent two hours trying to get to his duty station to help the people before I killed him. It was a shallow, empty victory for me.

I thought that when I flooded the nursing home, they would all die. Old and alone! Perfect! But, they didn’t … all were rescued.

I had no doubt that when I drowned that whole family…. Despair would set in …. They would give up… but they didn’t.

I executed my plan perfectly. Almost 186,000 homes damaged or destroyed! You can’t do better than that. Almost 43,000 people in shelters! Many of them children…. Wonderful. They had to be finished, I had won.

I surveyed the battlefield today…… the carnage was everywhere. Flood waters still rising in places. Chemical plants experiencing explosions …. More evacuations. Through the rubble and smoke, I expected to see a white flag of surrender… they could take not more.

I did see a flag… it was tattered, but flying. It had one Star upon it…. A Lone Star.

I had miss-calculated.

Damn you Texas…. Damn you.

 

Signed:

H.Harvey. Commanding.

[image error]Don Ortolano is the father of one of my favorite “real life” friends, Anthony Ortolano. He has two beautiful daughters and all of them have written for me here on hastywords. Don is a beautiful man with a very loving heart.

Tagged: Compassion, Destruction, flooding, harvey, Humanity, HURRICANE, love, Storm, Storms, Texas, Violence