HastyWords's Blog, page 39

THE DIRT SHIFTS

#OctPoWriMo2018

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I am dedicating October to the reason I started my blog.  Depression.  It’s the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with.  It is still the scariest thing I have to deal with.

Depression is a constant.  It will never go away.  It snuck up on me.  I was always anxious but depression… well it caught me off guard and took me on the scariest ride I’d ever been on.  I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t handle my emotions.  Why I couldn’t JUST be happy.  Why I couldn’t JUST snap out of it.  Why I couldn’t JUST get over it.

After all, I had managed to JUST get over a rape 20 years earlier.  The truth was… you don’t get over those things but your brain and body have a way of erasing things so it seems like you are managing.  But really you are just burying little land mines in your brain that will explode every time they get stepped on.  And sometimes you never even realize what the heck happened or why.

Depression is different… you can’t JUST anything with depression.  It is a complete rewiring of your brain.  Imagine Darth Vader steps into your brain and decides he is going to rewire a few things and the death star is now trained right on destroying you.  And instead of using the energy of a billion suns to zap you it will use your own self deprecation to destroy you.  It will use your own voice.

Depression is constant.  It will never go away.

But you are here for a reason… don’t let Darth Vader win.

 

The dirt shifts in my brain

The sand still sifts soft

Through the glass slowly

I can feel it filling the bowl

I am on borrowed time

I should have been dead

Had it not been for you

That’s a lot to put on you

I know, I am sorry

But for some reason

For some truth unknown

You are the reason

I am trying to figure out

Why?

I was given more time

And I’m not sure

The grave I’ve dug in my brain

Will ever allow me to see

What life was supposed to be

 

 

HE SAID SHE SAID

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Where are you now

That the ink smeared

Itself across the page

Blurring black and white

Hiding motivations

Condemning intentions

Dividing all endeavors

For dignity and respect

Where are you now

That the exposure

Has us frostbitten

Naked and scarred

Everything given up

Bared and sacrificed

Once again

Once again

Once again

And no more

And no more

And no more

Hallelujah and Amen

If it’s he said she said

Then bring it

And then bring it again

KEEP THE MATCH LIT

I remember the pain of not being able to move past certain experiences.  It’s a hard one for many who have lived long enough to have accumulated some shit along the way.  I know so many people who go through things and for one reason or another just assume it’s a normal way of being.  They never even consider there could be a happier path or a healthier path.  Perhaps even an easier path.  They spend their whole lives fighting crap battles and wondering how come life is so hard…

Life is hard… But sometimes it doesn’t have to be so damn hard.

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Feel the explosions

Carefully chosen

Artfully spoken

Creating commotion

Caught inside the flood

No place to run

No place to go

I’m blamed

You’re maimed

And our bodies

Torched and flamed

Give us this day

Our daily bread

As we break toast, burnt

And roast the ghosts

That laid siege to our wits

Don’t show emotion

Fits tied up

Holes in our hearts

Hey wha sup?

Feel like we’re dying

We’re ok yup!

Here we go yo

Fillin up our cup

From burdens

Woven from

Our own selfish

Promotion

BY THE THROAT OF A GHOST

 

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I promise

I won’t lie

I am broken

Slashed open

Innocence stolen

And parts of me

Are provoked

By the throat

Of a ghost

Forming words

That cursed

The world I see

Coerced and hurt

A past rehearsed

For many decades

I constantly revert

And my heart blurts

It’s pain into reality

And my capacity

Is minimized

My maturity

Is criticized

My progress

Is victimized

And all I can do

Is ignore those who

Can’t sympathize

And look past those

Who simply demonize

And focus my strengths on

My responsibilities

My capabilities

My flexibilities

And all the wonderful

Possibilities there are

To learn, to grow

And to do better

TO BE YOURS

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I want to be the fierce and fiery dragon

That chases away your enemies

To be the sun that shines and guides you

When you need to find your way

I want to be the orange and yellow sunset

When you need to find a bit of peace

To be the moon that shines ever so bright

Guiding you safely home each night

I would love to be your guardian angel

The one that sings your soul to sleep

And I would do anything to be your love

But if for some reason I can’t be

I’d like to be any or all of the above

YOU’RE STILL HERE

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My jaw clenches

My fingernails

Yearn to scratch

At layers of skin

My joints ache

Rigidity laced

Stand like a statue

Hold still, hold still

Breathe in slow

Hold… maybe

Forever if you can

Fix your stare

On a calmer future

Moments past this

Tick tick tick

Final loud tock

Exhale

Open your eyes

Look in the mirror

It was just a dream

You’re still here

You’re still here

I FELT THE BLOSSOMS IN MY BONES

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You guys, I just read an advanced copy of Nicole Lyons new book Blossom and Bone.  My mind has been swimming with inspiration all weekend.  If you don’t know who Nicole Lyons is then….

WHAT???

That honestly surprises me because I truly believe she is going to be the next big poet that our students are required to study in school someday.

First, I didn’t know she was a poet when I first met her.  She was a fellow mental illness blogger, advocate, woman of strength and a force to be reckoned with.  She found a great many gems in the community around her and she highlighted them in such a way that made us all want to know each other.

Now about Blossom and Bone…

Gosh.

I don’t write much anymore but as I read each poem I was taken to my own moments, to my own struggles and triumphs. I felt the pull of the pen tugging at my own soul again.  Her words do that.  They pull you through history and start the movie reel that has been locked away in the attic of your heart.

Poetry like hers can’t be taught.  It’s a natural gift.  And what you are given when you read Blossom and Bone is a gift of insight.  A walk through the pain of healing so that you yourself feel a bit healed. The strength of overcoming so that you feel you have overcome. And by the time you are finished you feel very clearly the power within yourself.

Visit her at THE LITHIUM CHRONICLES and look for Blossom and Bone on Sept 9th.

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Nicole is the mommy to two gorgeous and brilliant little girls who often almost drive her to drink. Her best friend is a 170lb Bullmastiff named Capone and she believes the world can be changed one small random act of kindness at a time. She’s a hippie at heart with a gypsy soul and she tries to spread love and light wherever she goes — when she’s not at home being an introvert.

Previous book I Am-World-Uncertainties-Disguised-Girl

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Facebook Page www.facebook.com/TheLithiumChronicles.

 

FOLLOW THE BREADCRUMBS

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We follow the breadcrumbs.

We can plan for tomorrow all we want but the present has a way of challenging those plans.  When I started this blog several years ago I did not plan to be starting an international production company with someone from another country.  I did not plan to meet a man who would challenge me so fully to identify the person I am and want to become, nor a young woman who would inspire me to delve so deeply into my own positive creativity.

I would like to invite my readers.  Those of you who have been patient enough to stick around as I have been sorting out life to perhaps come along on the next leg of my journey with me.  I would love that.

I, Angela Bellingham, am not leaving Hastywords.  I could never leave the place that lead me to where I am going.  BUT there is a whole world waiting for us to not only WRITE our truth but to SHOW it our truth.

The world still reads.  But it increasingly wants to be shown with beautiful visuals combined with beautiful voices and beautiful music.  The world wants to laugh.  To escape and have the motivation to be the change the world needs.  I think we have what it takes to do that.

BECAUSE we know how to follow the breadcrumbs and find where the future needs us to be.

I hope you join me and Byron Hamel at

 https://byronhamel.com/

 

 

#BeReal – BRIANNA JONNIE

Today my daughter started high school as a ninth grader.

It was just a few years ago I read a letter on facebook written by another ninth grader.  You will find that letter written by Brianna Jonnie below.  She inspired me, Byron Hamel, and a whole lot of other people to help her share her beautiful voice more dynamically because the world needs to hear it.  So Byron pitched a movie to BravoFact, they funded it, we funded the rest, we got an amazing team together and made movie magic.

Except it wasn’t magic.  It was a lot of hard work and a lot of heart and passion.

Now… how do we get it distributed and watched?  Especially now that we have no more funds? Well I think that is where film festivals, friends, and film communities come in.  People who care about doing good things.  People that have like passions.

We submitted to a few film festivals.  We were accepted into The Toronto Independent Film Festival and are currently in the middle of raising the funds to get there to see it premier on September 6th.  We hope to find new opportunities for this film while we are there.

While it is super exciting we believe it is just the beginning for us as filmmakers and for Brianna as role model for young women everywhere. But we need your help

You can see the trailer for the film and the fundraiser by clicking on the link below.  Please share the fundraiser if you can and help us and her find the next steps.

https://www.gofundme.com/if-i-go-missing

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LETTER WRITTEN BY BRIANNA JONNIE  on March 1, 2016

Dear Chief Clunis,

My name is Brianna; I am a fourteen year old, grade nine student at Collège Jeanne-Sauvé, in South St. Vital. I would sincerely appreciate it if you could take five minutes of uninterrupted time to read what I have to say and reflect. I assure you, it is important.

Firstly, I would like to thank you and your team for finding Cooper Nemeth and making a swift arrest. While I did not know Cooper personally, as a high school student, I consider him a member of my community and mourn his loss. I cannot imagine the things you must see on a daily basis, nor can I fathom how difficult it must be to cope. I have the utmost respect and appreciation for the men and women who serve our city as police officers.

It was amazing to see citizens unite together in efforts to search for a missing boy. The newspapers and media were instrumental in immediately spreading news of Cooper’s disappearance, bringing attention to search efforts and assisting police in asking the public for help. Deputy Chief Danny Smyth conducted himself in a most respectful manner when disclosing Cooper had been found deceased and drugs were involved.

I have noticed missing Indigenous girls are not afforded the same courtesies – by the community, the media or the Winnipeg Police Service (WPS). Tina Fontaine was reported missing on August 9, 2014. According to media, a WPS request for the public’s help was submitted August 13th. Nora Leah Rae was reported missing on August 6, 2014 and the WPS appealed for help on August 22nd. Jaylene Amos was reported missing on January 4, 2016 and a request for help was issued on January 15th. Cooper Nemeth however, had his image in the paper the next day; Thelma Krull was in online reports less than 24 hours after her disappearance and Alissa Voetberg, the next day. While I acknowledge there are some differences in each of the cases, the only thing that matters in the end, is a person is missing – in many cases, a child.

I am not involved in drugs, alcohol, prostitution, or other illegal activity. I am not a runaway, nor am I involved with Child and Family Services. I am an honour roll student, a volunteer, a coach, a dancer, a friend, a daughter, a grand-daughter, a niece and a cousin. I am the only child to a young, single mom who loves me more than humanly possible and works full time trying to provide me with everything I need and want. I have goals, dreams and aspirations and a future I want to be a part of. I reside in low-income housing, my father (whom I have no contact with) is an addict and criminal and I am Indigenous. I am more likely to go missing than my peers. I am more likely than my friends, to be murdered by a person unknown to me. I am more likely to be raped, assaulted or sexually violated. I cannot take public transportation or go for a walk without being approached or ogled at by men I do not know, even in the south end of the city; even during the daytime.

The Winnipeg Police Service and the media are unfortunately and likely unintentionally, making things worse. An immediate request for assistance shows the public the WPS values the life of the missing; that he/she is loved. It gives people the opportunity to mobilize search parties, creates conversations around the coffee table at work and keeps the missing person on the minds of all citizens. It increases the chance someone who knows something will come forward and the chance the individual will be found. Asking for the public’s help sixteen days after an Indigenous girl goes missing is equivalent to announcing publicly her life does not matter, or at least, not as much as others. It teaches my teachers, my friends, my future employers, the children I coach, the boys & men I meet and the citizens of Winnipeg, an Indigenous girl’s life does not matter. It teaches the boys and men, who discard girls in rivers, beat them in back lanes and drug them at parties that Indigenous girls’ lives don’t matter – they won’t be missed, no one will look for them. It teaches me my life does not matter.

Perhaps there are more issues at play here I am not privy to, such as rules particular to children under the care of Child and Family Services. Those children however, have people whose heart aches for them when they go missing too. They deserve the help of the WPS, the media and the community, just as much as everyone else — maybe even more, given their lives have been filled with additional hardships and traumas. These children deserve for the WPS to exhaust all efforts to find them, as you would a non-indigenous individual.

The colour of one’s skin, their socio-economic status, or whom their legal guardian is, should not determine the level of assistance and resources put in place to find them if they are missing, and yet, it does. As Chief of Police, you can do better. As an Indigenous girl, I need you to do better. I would welcome any suggestions you have in regards to ways I can help as well.

I have attached a copy of my photo. Please use this should I ever go missing – I will not be gone by choice. Ask the media for their assistance immediately and have them plaster my face across every newspaper, news website and broadcast across the province. Put my name and photo on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter. Do not use words that make me the subject of the “looks like another one of them ran away” or “where are their parents?” conversation that I hear every time an Indigenous girl goes missing. Provide details that humanize me, not just the colour of my hair, my height and my ethnicity. Provide my mom with the resources she needs to mobilize search teams and seek support. She will be fierce, strong and determined to find me, but terrified, numb and broken on the inside. If I go missing and the WPS has not changed the behaviours I have brought to your attention, I beg of you, do not treat me as the Indigenous person I am proud to be. My mom needs me, and I want to have my future.

And if I do go missing and my body is found, please tell my mom you are sorry. Tell her I asked to be buried in my red dress, for I will have become just another native statistic.

Sincerely and respectfully,

Brianna Jonnie

[image error]Brianna Jonnie is an Indigenous teen volunteer and activist in Winnipeg Manitoba.

At the age of 14, Brianna became the focus of a controversial media frenzy when she wrote an impassioned letter to police and government officials concerning missing and murdered Indigenous teens and kids.

After meeting with the mayor of Winnipeg and it’s chief of police, she became the target of much criticism surrounding her view that there was a difference between how Indigenous and non-Indigenous people were being handled by authorities and influencers when they went missing.

Today she continues to serve the community as a whole, and is the recipient of the 2017 Lieutenant Governor’s Vice-Regal Volunteer Award.

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LOST AND (UN)FOUND by Laron Chapman

 

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Many of us live with irrational fears (clowns, stage fright, spiders, etc.) They grab hold of us, paralyze us, and disturb our dreams.

Some of us live with a different set of fears (the fear of sexual assault, the fear of violence, the fear of death, the fear of abandonment).

Such fears characterize real-life teen activist Brianna Jonnie, the subject of the harrowing documentary short produced by my dear friend/poet/blogger/all-around angelic creature Hasty Dawn Words.

Jonnie, who seeks equal treatment, compassion, and acknowledgment of the countless “disappearances” of indigenous people in her environment has a beautifully strong voice and courage and nerve to spare in Canadian filmmaker Byron Hamel’s visually stunning, cautionary tale, and call-to-action short, “If I Go Missing.”

Featuring candid interviews with the affected community, Jonnie, her concerned mother as well as original music (written by Hamel and performed by “The Once”), the docu-short is an eye-opening exploration of a heinous epidemic happening before our very eyes.

The film, which will have its World Premiere at the Toronto Independent Film Festival, would be incomplete without the female subject upon which it draws its inspiration.

If you would like to help Brianna, her mother, and the filmmakers attend the premiere and continue to spread this important message/story to an international audience, please consider donating to their cause below if you can. Please consider sharing this link if you can’t.

https://www.gofundme.com/if-i-go-missing

 

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Laron Chapman.  Writer, co-producer, podcaster, director is a passionate 28 year old freelance filmmaker from the state of Oklahoma. He graduated from The University of Oklahoma with a Bachelor’s degree in Film and Media Studies and a background in journalism and film production. From reality television (“Food Network,” “FOX,” “Discovery Channel,” etc.) to Academy Award nominated films (“August: Osage County”; Weinstein Company; Meryl Streep, Julia Roberts, etc.), he has worked with an electric variety of professionals in the ever-complex and competitive entertainment industry. He is the director of the multi-award winning feature film, “You People.”