HastyWords's Blog, page 37

YOU’LL DIE FAT ON YOUR OWN PAIN

[image error]

There are people who never learn to look forward. Past themselves. Past their own desires. Sacrifice is a word they’ve assigned false meaning to.

They blame others for their failures. And even when they do blame themselves they desperately need someone else to do the work to save them. They seek to garner sympathy for their lot in life as if it was cast upon them by the roll of the dice.

I see them. They give up. They self destruct. They consume kindness and love turning it bitter. They spiral like torpedoes into a black hole filled with the pain of self-loathing. And they take others with them.

I’ve been in that hole. I clawed my own way out. I blame only myself for my failures and I punish myself for those things I shouldn’t take credit for. So I get it. The pain of it.

But I’m lucky. I’ve always been able to see the sky. Even when there are storms I have faith the sky is there. I know I will see the sun rise again. Not everyone can imagine that.

Optimism.

It gets buried if you don’t feed it.

Selfishness.

It breeds if you don’t starve it.

You have to feed your soul very carefully. Your motivation comes from there.

Seek to feed only your own desires and you’ll die fat on your own pain.

DOT TO DOT

[image error]

There is a line

A small one

Little dots

Connecting

Our thoughts

Our good ones

Our bad ones

Those that cry

Those that laugh

Those that rage

A constellation

Of ideas

Of memories

Of reasoning

That create

The person

We become

That line

Is who we are

*Depression is a terrible thing. It’s as if you are the minder and keeper of your thoughts one moment and the next this line is broken and the dots are scattered and you are left with only smudges and blurs to navigate through. The dots get connected wrong and the whole world looks different.

I DIDN’T KNOW

[image error]

I watch you growing up

And I find myself alone

Begging for the strength

To one day let you go

To watch you walk away

No more bedtime stories

No more skinned knees

No more “but mom please”

I didn’t know…

I’d run out of time so soon

That you’d be mindlessly

Saying goodbye each day

As you run to your friends

As you stop saying “love you”

I didn’t know…

We’d grow apart like this

That we’d fight about things

About being kinder

About respect and love

About gratefulness

And having patience

Or having compassion

I didn’t know…

It would be this hard

To let you find yourself

To let you become you

Into you without me

THIS TRAGEDY

[image error]

I see some things

And my brain slips

I hear things too

And my mind trips

I run like a kite

Caught on a string

My heart skips

But mostly stutters

And I am left

Crashing on rocks

Falling into

Words that sting

And I try hard

To run from them

But

I can’t get away

From this heart

From this mind

From this body

From this tragedy

That is me

 

 

PATIENT ENCOURAGEMENT

Some things are too painful and too hard to overcome without patient encouragement and love. I hope everyone who needs it can find it.

It’s typically the impatient moments that rise to the surface and grab notoriety. The angry customer. The ranting neighbor. The crazy employee. People having trouble being rational because something has gotten under their skin. But what if we practice being more patient when frustrations begin to rise? Is it even possible? Do good things really come to those who wait?

Here are a list of things I try to remember as I practice being more patient.

– Be mindful of triggers. Am I getting defensive? Jumping to conclusions? If you have any kind of turbulent past then you deal with this. I’ve been trying to be more objective. See the present not the history. I try to act less impulsively. I wait a few moments before I react. I still haven’t mastered this. I might never but I’m trying.

– Is it something I can fix? Many times I have done all I can and it’s out of my hands. I’ve learned waiting is better than spinning my wheels with anxiety and hopes and wishes. The faster I realize I’ve done everything I can the sooner I can spend that energy elsewhere.

– Self-control. Seems like an easy solution but it’s the hardest of all especially when triggered. To regain my self-control I breathe and think about something I’m grateful for. Often it’s something I want to be grateful for because it will be a result of me gaining self-control.

Our experiences have made us weaker and stronger. It’s destroyed many good things in life. But it’s not too late to do better. We can be stronger. We can be happier.

[image error]

CLAIM ME

[image error]

My heart begs to be claimed

Staked by the notice of you

The heaviness of the world

Seeks to destroy the rhythm

And the universe cares not

Of its small morse code voice

Yet your attention is craved

Above that of all the stars

Above that and so much more

MUTILATING MY EMOTIONS

[image error]

I am constantly self-mutilating my emotions. I pick them apart as if they are on trial for a heinous murder. Many times I sit looking at their remains and think… ok now that I know where you came from I can do better. Sometimes I will look at all the pieces staring up at me and think… I am sorry for putting you through this. Sometimes what seems like a bad emotion really isn’t. Sometimes it isn’t your emotion that is the problem but more about how it mixed with someone else’s.

Triggers. We all have them.

They are mysterious little creatures. Hiding in your psyche just waiting for that perfect storm to touch down and carry you away. A mixture of conscious and unconscious relationships to our past just waiting for someone to touch us wrong, talk to us wrong, or look at us wrong. And if all three happen at the same time our inner caveman lights a fire to reason as its kindling.

Memories are dangerous things. You turn them over and over, until you know every touch and corner, but still you’ll find an edge to cut you. ― Mark Lawrence, Prince of Thorns

I believe the fastest way to deal with my triggers is honesty. It isn’t easy being honest about certain things. Even harder to admit the mistakes made trying to avoid the triggers. Worse yet the potential backlash and fallout that will occur when you finally decide to be honest with those you love.

Being honest isn’t the hard part though. It’s what others do with the knowledge you give them. I’ve learned a lot about trusting people with my vulnerabilities. Some will use them against me even without consciously meaning to. I will tell you one thing though. Make peace with who you were, who you are, and who you want to be. This confidence will strengthen your ability to combat negativity hurled at you.

I get triggered when I think I have disappointed someone. When a person uses harsh language or raises their voice with me. These are normally only triggers when I think I am doing something good or being helpful. My other triggers all relate to my rape and honestly I am still discovering those triggers. It is amazing how seemingly normal behaviors can catch you off guard and derail you.

The best way to strengthen a relationship wrought with triggers on both sides is to communicate. Do it often. Do it honestly. Do it respectfully. It’ll be hard because triggers have been born most often from mistrust. You’ll have to trust your partner is being honest and if you don’t then you will begin treating them like the person who created the initial trigger.

If I can discover where my trigger comes from and why it is a trigger I can begin to unload the ammunition it carries. If I can discover your triggers I can then do my best to avoid making you feel less than, untrusted, unloved, controlled, or in some cases unsafe. In a very real way I can avoid handing you the ammunition for the weapon hiding in your psyche.

So yes, I mutilate my emotions. I will mutilate yours when you aren’t looking. I want to know what makes me tick, you tick, us tick. Emotions are like the gears in a clock… if you can arrange them right things run much smoother.

DETOXING

[image error]

The spirits walk through walls

They hover over our anxiety

And they wrap our limbs

Into the most complicated knots

The emotions swell and spiral

As the silence begins to breathe

And the chairs… they squeak

And the beds… they rustle

And the bedsheets… they tangle

And our fists bang on walls

And our guts twist and churn

While the world continues

As if nothing is wrong. Nothing.

While we lie alone detoxing

From the addiction of love

*Inspired by and written for a friend of mine. He fell hard and getting up is even harder.

A HEART’S TALE

My heart feels a bit torn up

But it still beats even as it hurts

Because that’s what hearts do

[image error]

MORE OR LESS

[image error]

I don’t remember the first time I thought, “man I wish I could be more…”. More classy, more beautiful, more funny, more smart, more stable, more serious.

I’ve lost count of how often I wished I was less messy, less emotional, less sad, less weak, less random, less awkward.

Seems I’m constantly wishing I had a better laugh, better genetics, longer legs, a creative talent.

And in the midst of wanting to be all the things that aren’t me I create a new me each day. Someone I have faith in to be more and less of all the things I wasn’t yesterday.

Or maybe… more realistically, I’m just a person. Just a plain person I’m trying hard to fall in love with each day. Someone a little less full of shit and little more settled in who I actually am.

It’s a journey.

An always changing kaleidoscope life we have. Even in the settled and boring moments the world around us is weaving color into everything. We are neither less or more than the next person. Just different colors colliding with the world around us.