HastyWords's Blog, page 135

April 2, 2014

MY DREAM KEPT ME

My dreams are always from my perspective, I am always me, and they are as real as my waking life. Most of the time the dream is light; I will have a conversation or do something that will solve a real life problem I have been having. Those dreams are always handy. If my life is really stressful then I will almost always dream about tornadoes and I will be running and trying to find a good safe spot the entire dream. Sometimes though my dreams really bother me, someone I love dies or gets mangled or tortured and there isn’t anything I can do to save them and I end up waking up with their screams inside my head all day. When I was pregnant I had some doozies and I can still see the dreams vividly in my mind.

Here is a dream I had last night. There are so many strange parts to this dream I can’t even begin to try to analyze it. What do you guys think???

It was a dark drive on an unfamiliar road. I didn’t feel lost because instead of paying close attention I was being reckless. I was texting and steering my SUV when a severe weather alert came on the radio. I looked up and realized there was no visibility, just my headlights being reflected back at me in a dense fog. I stopped the car but the wind was so strong I kept moving forward.

After a moment of panic, 4 men came into view. They were standing inside a canyon cave in front of a railing made of pipe that lead…somewhere. My car still wouldn’t stop and the men tried to help me, 2 on each side when I heard one yell, “It is no use she is going over.” And my car broke through the railing and I felt myself plummet into the unknown.

After my stomach did a half dozen belly flops my car landed in the water and I remember praying and thinking my husband and my daughter would never find me. I knew I was going to die. When I realized the car wasn’t filling really fast I thought, I may die but I should at least fight. So, I rolled down the driver’s side window and saw the wall of a concrete dam. I could reach it if I tried so I got myself through the window and pulled myself onto the wall. I felt such relief being out of the car but I was in the dark on a foggy night alone with all my belongings and my phone being swept away in a river.

I sat upon the wall and noticed just over my shoulder to the left were lights. Thousands of flickering lights that ended up being large candles. They were lighting up an outside bar on the edge of a mountain. The woman wore white gowns and all the men wore red robes, as they drank and talked. A woman, a waitress, asked if she could help me and I said I needed a phone. She didn’t seem happy about my request and everyone stopped talking.

A man in red came over and I repeated my request and told them I thought I needed a hospital when he nodded and asked her to get me a phone. The phone I got was an antique and I couldn’t remember my husband’s number. I called my mom and she was crying and said I have been missing for 6 months and asked where I was. I told her I didn’t know and started crying when I got disconnected. The woman in white told me I needed to leave by midnight or I would become one of them.

I looked closer at them and noticed they had hooves for feet and their legs were furry. The man in the red robe came over and when he smiled all his teeth were sharp and thin. “Please, make yourself at home.” He said. “Before midnight I need you to tell me what religion you are” and he gestured towards a room that had 20 books lying on a table. As I passed each book they each had a strange symbol on the front. Some of the books were thin and some were thick.

I came to the last book. I knew it was the Holy Bible. But it wasn’t a book it was a bunch of crocheted squares laying one on top of the other. Each one a different scene was portrayed. The group that had been drinking had finally filed in and I was surrounded by these other worldly creatures. They looked at me as if I was supposed to talk. “Pick your favorite quote and prove that you are worthy of that book” said a man who had walked in last. I sat looking at the squares and I couldn’t think of one single quote and I knew I would never see the ones I loved again.

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Published on April 02, 2014 15:02

DEATH CLAIMS HOME

As the sun rose

Within a fiery haze

It didn’t see me

And all the birds

Sat blind in trees

As chattering teeth

Fell from pregnant

Emotional clouds

Of contamination

Onto black mossy

Scalps and limbs

Floating

Mindless

Careless

On stagnant ponds

My talks

With the moon

Made it flake

With rust

And those

Torrential rains

Drenched the spirits

In false passions

Cloaking them

To look like love

I walk barefoot

Unnoticed

Among the dead

And I sigh

Their bones

Piercing my skin

And in the end

I will wash

Their stains off

In the torpid lies

I told them

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Published on April 02, 2014 11:35

THINGS HAPPEN

Things happen despite your best efforts to be…

You meet someone

You fall in love

You get married

You have kids

And

You are on your way

Nursing home dinners together

But then something happens despite your best efforts…

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Published on April 02, 2014 08:54

April 1, 2014

NEVER ALONE

I am always proud of her even more so in the midst of her mistakes or in her meltdown moments. Sometimes I look at her and think she is nothing like me. For one thing she is amazing at math and even though I am an accountant I am ANTI amazing at math. In fact, I have been the butt of numerous math related jokes. But other times she is so much like me it hurts…

When my daughter was younger she went through a phase where she would start screaming out of anger. I would tell her if she wanted to scream to do it in her room, preferably into her pillow, so I didn’t have to listen to it. I would always follow that with, “I am here to listen when you have calmed down enough to talk.” That phase didn’t last long because she quickly realized I would just ignore her. It was hard to hear because everything in me wanted to hold her. Instead I just stepped over the blubbering mess at my feet and continued whatever I was doing.

Then there was the whining phase. Seriously, her whining voice was the most precious and sweet voice ever. I have it on tape somewhere and it makes me melt every time I hear it. I miss that baby voice. But it was a bad habit and I knew only one way to get her to stop. I would say, “I can see your lips moving but my ears can’t hear that frequency.” I would continue to pretend not hear her until she stopped whining and talked in her normal voice.

There were times she would get so angry she wanted to hit something and I would tell her if, “If you have to hit something I won’t stop you but it has to be the punching bag or your bed”. One night she walked in with her pillow and said, “Mom, I really need you to do me a favor and hold this for a minute really tight.” I held the pillow as she proceeded to punch all her frustration out. When she finished I asked her what was wrong and we had a nice long talk about mean kids. “No honey your arms are not too hairy”.

She spent this weekend participating in back to back slumber parties. HastyHusband and I knew she would be a bear when she got home at 5pm Sunday. Actually that is an understatement; Godzilla would be more like it. I wasn’t feeling well and was lying in bed when she came to lay with me. I helped her under the covers and said,“Get some rest honey, you’ve had a long weekend.”

HastyHusband was making dinner and singing a nonsensical song, like he does when he is in a good mood, when she stormed in to tell him to please be quiet she is trying to sleep. He told her to shut the door then and she stormed back into the room with me. I said, “Honey, you need to just calm down because daddy is busy making dinner.” (Which by the way never happens but it was a lovely change of pace) She asked what was for dinner and when I answered stir fry she buried herself deep under the covers. MOANING!

“If you are going to moan about dinner please do it your room”. She jumped out of bed to go to her room and when her dad asked her what was wrong she ignored him. Well, you don’t ignore your parents…ever! So he yelled at her and after she answered I heard the back door open and shut and HastyKid stomping into the back yard. She was sitting on the stairs with her head in her hands.

I was watching me… She was me in that moment. These are the moments I relate to and my heart hurts. She was too upset to look at me as I walked out and knelt in front of her. I took the first picture at the top with my cell phone because, besides being beautiful, she was relaying so much feeling in that moment. I simply said, “I love you” and she started bawling.

You see… I knew that pose. I knew that stance all too well. It was the first time she said I FEEL ALONE and it was all in her body language. In that moment no words needed to be exchanged. I sat next to her and said it is ok to put yourself in time out. It is ok to be upset, angry, hurt, tired and emotional. But it is not ok to feel ALONE. It is not ok because you are not alone and you wil never be alone. I am always here. You my love are NEVER ALONE. She finished crying and said, “I just hate disappointing people and sometimes I can’t talk because I don’t know what to say and dad gets mad and ….” The conversation lasted about 15 minutes and we finished with hugs and I love you’s.

She made a bed on the couch and watched Leave It To Beaver and after a while she asked if she could take a hot bath and have some hot tea. LOL I LOVE HER TO PIECES. In the end I hope I can teach her how to handle her emotions. I hope she never feels alone and that she always knows she can talk to me. She will know I am not perfect and that she doesn’t have to be either. That she won’t always like my decisions but she will always know there is a reason behind them and that those reason will always be born out of my love for her.

I am proud of her for stepping back and taking herself outside to calm down. I taught her to always step away until she could get her emotions under control. What she does when she steps away is up to her. But I worry sometimes that in those moments she will feel alone because I feel alone in those moments. I guess I just want her to know if she needs someone to hold her hand as she takes a breath she always has mine. No words…just companionship.

The words gather speed
Swirling like a hurricane
Waiting to feed a need
A destructive craving
Lack of sleep
Emotionality
God
Give me the power
To calm the force
That brews
Inside of me
Let the uprising
Be drowned
By the love
Surrounding me
And may I always know
I am
Never alone

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Published on April 01, 2014 14:05

ROSEMARY GROVE

It was an honor to write this piece for a son whose mother died recently. My prayers are for God’s loving peace to shelter the family from the coldness that accompanies such loss.

You

My beautiful children

My wonderful legacy

How I adore you all

And my dear husband

Look at our creation

God’s blessings

Stowed upon us both

I meet heaven

Joyful for each life

I will not cry

At my death

Neither should you

For my tasks

Were not left undone

I created lives

Bursting with greatness

I created joy

Inside your smiles

I created love

That beats on

Not in my heart

But inside yours

Do not worry

For now I live

Inside the wind

That whispers

In your ear

Inside the moon

That lights

Darkened paths

Inside the kiss

Of sunlight

Upon your forehead

Until I hold you again

Inside my loving arms

Honor the ground

With joyful tears

So that beauty

Will spring up

Everlasting

In my name

Rosemary Grove

Love grew deep inside us

A testament to the life

Created by you

And ever so elegantly

Rooted in the most loving trust

~HastyWords

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Published on April 01, 2014 13:15

March 31, 2014

#ASKMESTUFF

I am often shocked at some of the questions people ask me when nobody else is listening. I mean, often times I think, “Is that really the vibe I give off?” If you passed me on the street you wouldn’t look twice. I am a very average mom and wife but I have had a few non-average moments. When I meet someone new I am a nonstop train to chatter town.

A few beautiful bloggers have started an idea that has snowballed into a grand project and I am excited to be a part of it. Actually, I am excited to be included with such an amazing pool of talented girls but a bit nervous about the actual participation part.

Here is the lowdown on the willy nil…

#ASKMESTUFF is a Vlog series that Angelle and Aussa are starting to answer questions that people have always wanted to ask but haven’t. Sometime in the near future Laura A Lord and I will be posting the answers to any questions you might have for us in a VLOG. The first and last video I ever did was posted HERE . I am also a dork if I didn’t mention that in the completely average description above.

OK so……

ASK ME ANYTHING! I DARE YOU! I, of course, may choose not to answer certain questions like Are you really a girl, or what is your home phone etc etc but ask anyway you never know what I will decide to answer! Regardless, here is your chance to ask me what my least favorite smell is or if I have ever…

You can either leave your questions in the comments below OR Tweet me HERE and use the hashtag #askmestuff OR message me at my facebook page HERE OR email them to hastywords@gmail.com

I am not sure when our VLOG will be scheduled to appear so get your questions in soon!!!!!

OH AND I WILL KEEP THE QUESTIONS ANONYMOUS IF YOU SEND THEM VIA EMAIL or you can ask in the comments below anonymously.

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Published on March 31, 2014 10:57

March 28, 2014

YOUR WORDS

EVEN NOW ALONE
I FEEL THE LOVE OF YOUR WORDS
THEY MEAN EVERYTHING

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Published on March 28, 2014 13:23

March 27, 2014

BALLROOM ATTIC

I hear my voice echo

Down empty corridors

Screaming for help

Can anyone hear me?

The labyrinth laughs

With taunting replies

Absurdity into rhymes

Shut the fuck up

Nobody cares

Razors hide indifferent

Inside the cracks

Racing laces

Across the floor

And old chandeliers

Dance alone

In a dusty breeze

Clinking crystal melodies

As my blood splatters

Across the windows

And the paint-chipped doors

Without notice here

Inside this ballroom attic

Built upon my fears

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Published on March 27, 2014 15:28

IMPOSTER

She isn’t blind

Her reflection

Never lies

Her eyes are far too big

And her mouth

Could devour humanity

But she wonders

What others see

Because they act

Like there is no abnormality

She is an alien

An imposter to society

If they only knew

They would be predators

Waiting to devour her

She learned to speak

The language they did

She smiled and laughed

She worked and played

She wore eyeliner

And spiky heels

And made friends

With some of them

But the mirror never lies

She will never be one of them

Daily Prompt : The Great Pretender