Phil Sanderson's Blog, page 10

Rated NR for Nude Titty

I never really knew the fascination between nudist camps and nude beaches.  I used to think that maybe it was all just perversion gone wild.  

According to Wikipedia, naturism is “a cultural and political movement practicing, advocating and defending social nudity, most of which takes place on private property. The term may also refer to a lifestyle based on personal, family and/or social nudism.”

If you break the term down to its most basic components, it obviously stems from the term: nature.  For example “au natural”.  Nature being as we once were before the fig leaf covered all our pink parts!

I used to think that the only people who would have enough guts to go to a nudist camp or a nude beach were those who were blessed with impressive physical endowments (e.g. “Did you see the shitter on that critter!”; “He’s more hung than Saddam Hussein!”; “Check out the rack on Raquel!”; etc.).  I used to believe that those who were less endowed willfully and stubbornly avoided such places (e.g. “If you happen to see Annie’s Ass, please let her know…she’s obviously lost it somewhere.”; “Dude, a flea packs more beef than Barry…”; “Judith is all nipple and no mound!”.  I used to think:  Why would such individuals go to such a place where their innermost privacy would be exposed like a Babe Ruth candy bar in a swimming pool.  

But when I was in the Marine Corps, a buddy told me:  “Let’s go to Blacks Beach.”  He then explained that it was a nude beach near San Diego.  I asked him:  “Now why would I want to go to a nude beach?”  He said:  “You like nude women, don’t you?”  I nodded.  “A little bit too much.  What am I supposed to do…walk up to one of them with my hand extended.  ‘Hey, there…I’m Phil.’  And then look down and tell her:  ‘Oh, don’t mind me.  I’m just glad to be here.'”  

So the whole idea of the nude beach was lost on me at that moment.  And I then realized that body type and characteristic details didn’t really play in too well as far as nude beaches were concerned.  I never have gone to a nude beach or nudist colony.  And I never will.  I would never be able to keep a straight face in such places, and my eyes would be wandering around more than Johnny Cash once did.

Perhaps another reason why I never liked nude beaches and nudist colonies was similar to my reasons for preferring regular night clubs over strip clubs.  When I was single, I preferred action over being teased.  At strip clubs — as is probably the case at nude beaches and nudist camps or colonies — you can look, but not touch.  What was the point in getting hot and bothered if you did not have an outlet to release your excitement?  At regular night clubs, you may not have been able to see under the clothes, but at least you may or may not get that option if you happened to strike up a good encounter with an attractive person.  And the outlet would soon enough be forthcoming.  

I’ve heard from others that the point of nude beaches, nude colonies, and nude camps is not necessarily to get laid.  For example, some people go to nude beaches for the simple fact they don’t like tan lines.  And some go to the other two places to be social.  But how do you strike up such a conversation in those places.  “Here, have a seat and join me. And we can talk about the first thing that pops up.”  Then, all of a sudden…BOING!  “So, please tell me:  What is your favorite summer sausage?”

I don’t entirely buy it that no one goes to these places to not get laid.  God has cursed us with hormones.  So when we see something we like, we usually go after it with all the gusto of a dog going after the leg of a newly-introduced house guest.  Do they even put warnings on these nudist institutions that warn people of the fact that bareness is a bare necessity?  Heck, even television shows these days warn you:  “The following is rated NR for Nude Titty.”

 

Proudly Introducing “2018: An Uncivil War”

 

For more information, please visit Phil Sanderson’s Official Website.

Pleading Insanity for Speeding?

What is your first thought when you notice bright lights flashing in your rear-view mirror after you have been speeding?  Mine is a four-letter expletive:  “Sh!t”!  But the next thought after that is always:  “Pleasssse!  Drive past me…you do not want me…you want someone up ahead of me.”

Usually, I have been very lucky when this has happened.  Usually, the government cruisers end up speeding by with nary a glance.  But then there have been the unfortunate times when they have pulled into the lane directly right behind me and stayed with me until I finally moved over to a stop.  It was during these times that I knew exactly what I had done wrong.  I can probably count on one hand how many times this has happened to me.  What about you?  

When they have come up to my window, they almost always ask:  “Do you know why I’ve pulled you over today?”  I am usually tempted to give one of three responses:  nice, sarcastic, or hostile.  My nice response is:  “Because you care about my safety and that of others, Officer.”  But I always never use that, because it reeks of bullshit.  My sarcastic response, “Because you are trying to reach your quota before your shift ends,” will surely gain me no forgiveness for my extremely impatient and heavy foot.  And the hostile response is sure to get me a trip to the station:  “Because you’re a total fu%&ing douche bag!”

But in a more realistic world, I use either an honest or dishonest answer…the fore mentioned being:  “Because I was driving a little fast.”  Or the latter answer:  “No, sir.  I have no idea why you pulled me over.”

Policemen have heard and seen all sorts of crazy responses from drivers after being pulled over.  Here is a list of the worst ones:

“A drunk guy told me he was pregnant then urinated all over himself claiming his water broke.” — Bryan Turner
I stopped a girl with all the Goth black stuff on herself and little figurines on her dash. I asked what is all this stuff. She said,” I’m a Wicka.” I said “A what?” She goes “You know, a witch.” I said “Oh yeah.” Then she asks “are you giving me a ticket”? I said “yes, I am.” She said “I’ll put a spell on you. I told her “too late. My ex-wife beat you to it.” — Dave Simpson
DRIVER: My buddy, who is a police officer, is gonna kill me!
OFFICER: Who is your buddy? 
DRIVER: David Pollino! 
OFFICER: Ohhhh, you know Dave Pollino? Well in that case, you should thank him when you see him! 
DRIVER: You bet Officer, I will do exactly that! 
I stand there in awkward silence until the driver chimes in and says can I help you? 
OFFICER: Just waiting for my thanks. 
DRIVER: I don’t understand! 
OFFICER: Can you read, ma’am? Can you read my name tag out loud?
DRIVER: Officer! Sgt. David Pollino! 
OFFICER: Ma’am, since we are such good friends and all, and you were going to thank me, I was just waiting for my thanks. — David Pollino
“Oh I thought the sign I 95 meant the speed limit …glad you didn’t catch me over on SR 210 earlier..” — Andy Young
“I wasn’t speeding, I just got a haircut and it makes me look fast.” — Timber Bear
It snowed 6-inches and I radar a car driving 54 in a 30. Stopped her and she very matter-of-fact told me, “Duh, I know I was going fast, I was trying to get the snow off my windshield so I could see where I’m going!!!!” — Rhonada Olson Sclavi
I checked a 17-year-old kid on I-71 near MP91 just south of Grove City, Ohio at 101 MPH. He was driving a gold Ford Explorer 2-door. When I told him I checked him at 101, he threw a fit and wanted to argue with me, saying he was only doing 85 MPH. Me, being the curious cop, asked him why he thought he was only going 85 and his response was “my speedometer only goes to 85 and I had my gas pushed all the way to the floor.” — Darwin Justice
One of my cop friends told me a story: he pulled over a couple for speeding, asked why the driver (male) was speeding. The male said his wife (the passenger) was pregnant and they were going to the hospital. The officer said that was fine (even though he knew the truth) and followed them to the hospital to “make sure everything went alright”. When they got to the hospital, he escorted them in and made sure they got a room right away. Finally the male admitted to lying. The officer didnt write him up, figured the hospital bill would be enough. — Matt Mues
“My car has a recall on it for unexplained acceleration and I’m on my way to get it fixed!” — Paula Ulibarri
“I have a cold and when I cough, my foot mashes the pedal….” — John Aiello
I stopped a guy for doing 71 in a 50 because he wanted to get to McDonald’s before the breakfast menu ended! — Brian Eugene Jones
I had someone tell me that he put too much oil in the engine of his vehicle, and he had to drive really fast to burn the extra roll out. — David Cox
I was told by a lady her accelerator was broken and it always went that fast, no matter what — Eric Mosso

Now here is a list of better excuses:

Pulled over a Corvette doing 100 in 55zone. Late at night on highway, no traffic. I told the driver, “You were flying, unless you have a pilot’s license, you are going to jail”. Yes, he handed me a pilot license…yes, I let him go. — Chuck Ervin
I stopped a lady who was crying when I walked up. I asked what the problem was. She said she had gone shopping for the first time after having a baby and nothing fit right. I handed her her license back and slowly backed away. Nothing good was coming from this! — Cookie Crumbles
“I was just keeping the 2 second buffer time between me and the car behind me”. “There was no one behind you…” “Good job, huh?” — Scott Mainardy
“The box says ‘If you have an erection over 4 hours, see your doctor IMMEDIATELY!'” — Scott Tyler
“I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying.” — Aaron Roberts
A 17-year-old was going 23 over. When I asked him why he was going so fast, he looked me dead in the eye and said, “Because I’m just all kinds of stupid”. -— Billy Graves
I got tagged for doing 54 in a 45 years back. The officer laughed when he told me and I said that my dyslexia was acting up again. —​ Scott Russell

I’ve always personally found that if you are completely honest with the officers who pull you over, they are sometimes more inclined to be lenient on you.  There is no use pleading insanity parked at the side of the road!  You’d have to be absolutely nuts to do something like that!  

Note:  These 20 excuses were borrowed from “The Question“.  Thanks to the author for sharing this humorous info!  

Coming Soon by Phil Sanderson!

Marketing Report — 8/12/14

As a fledgling fiction writer who is utterly thankful for the small, but loyal following I am most fortunate to have, my appreciation for you extends to the point where I feel that you are worthy of knowing where I am going before I get there.  I am far from being a bestselling author.  But this only means I have to strive harder to get my book out there and continue to develop even more interesting stories for readers to enjoy.

Social Media Marketing

I am pleased to announce that my goal to successfully build my social media is blessed with small, but noteworthy success.  

Twitter continues to be my strongest social outlet and seems to be growing phenomenally!  I now have more than 2,500 followers and am well on my way toward my next major milestone:  5,000.  My longtime goal is to have 10,000 followers hopefully by this time next year.  

 Goodreads is barely my second best social outlet.  I now have 105 friends in this reading and writing community.  My goal is to get at least 300 fans before the end of this year; though I hope to eventually have 1,000 by the end of next year.  I’ve also yet to establish fans.  Maybe with a little bit of work I can get my first 30 fans within this same time frame.  But I am confident that all of this will come in due time.  

I am very fortunate that my Facebook Author Page has recently exceeded 100 Likes!  My goal is to have 200 by the end of this year and hopefully 1,000 within the next few years.  For some strange reason, I’ve had a very difficult time growing my social network here.  But I’ve recently discovered some new ways to get my name and book titles out there.  ;)

Google+ is a strange, new creature to me.  I’m still trying to figure out how to use all of its various features, which appear to be somewhere between Facebook and Twitter.  There are some features that I really like more than both platforms.  But I feel that it is all a bit too complicated to fathom at this point.  I may need to do more research on how to harness the full marketing power of this form of social media.  However, I currently have a following of 47 people which is still quite small, but doable.  My next goal is to get 200 by the end of this year and eventually acquire 1,000 followers within the next few years hopefully.  

Finally, my Blog, Raw, Raving Rants from a Struggling Writer, has me stuck at 46 followers to whom I am completely grateful.  I was reluctant to use WordPress in the very beginning, but it has been a great blessing to me, thanks to my fellow bloggers, members, and writers who have aligned themselves in my following.

All in all, I am proud of all that I have accomplished utilizing a very meager marketing budget where I have not even spent $100 on social media marketing.  Maybe in due time, I will be earning enough profits from my books to do so.  But my first major goal is to get my name and my work out there on the market and in the public eye.  I feel that by doing this, the rest will eventually fall into place.

Current Works and Supportive Marketing Efforts

My current endeavor is to create the cover for my Christmas short story, The Saint Who Stole Christmas.  And immediately after I have developed it, I will then conduct a cover reveal as I continue to develop the story.  I plan to have the story released by no later than Halloween this year.  Some of the followers to my blog may recall that I ran this same series of articles last year for Christmas.  I plan to add more meat to what I originally started so as to have a more cohesive and fulfilling body of work.  I’ve already begun to market this story on all of my social media.  

I am also preparing to hold my first book signing with printed books in support of my first novel, 2018: An Uncivil War.  This event will occur at the Juliette Hampton Morgan Library Memorial Library in downtown Montgomery, Alabama.  For more details, please consult my Official Website.  My book has been distributed to three different libraries in the Metro Montgomery area.  And I have plans to approach the public library systems in Birmingham and Mobile sometime after my book signing.  Sometime the beginning of next month, I plan to send out press releases announcing the signing.  I plan to do so one week before the event.  I’ve currently announced this signing on my website and by word of mouth.  I would eventually like to go home to Memphis, Tennessee and conduct a book signing at some libraries  there.  But I’m not ready to face the expense that would be required for me to do so.

Finally, my next novel, An Interstate Ghost Story: The Girl on the Highway, is due to be out late next year.  I’ve finished the first draft and will soon be proof reading it and working on the second draft with a goal to finish by the end of this year.  I’ve of course been marketing it on all my social media as well as by word of mouth.  I’ve also started my cover reveal using the same media as well.  I will first release the book as an e-book but then plan to utilize CreateSpace in order to bring my book to print.  

So as all of you can see (and some of you may already know), there is a lot more to being a self-published author than just writing, revising, and publishing the story.  An abundant amount of labor goes into having a successful title.  And I’ve not even gotten there yet after all of these efforts.  But I will never give up until people relate my name to fine works of fiction!

Again, I cannot deeply enough express the overwhelming amount of gratitude I have for each and every one of you, and the kindness you express by giving this humble writer a chance to leave what I hope will be a warm memory of reading enjoyment in the furthermost recesses of your heart.  Thank you so kindly, and God bless you all!

Farewell, Robin Williams!

Rest in peace, my good friend.  You will be greatly missed.  Thank you for all the joy you brought into our lives while you were here.  God bless you and comfort your family in your passing.  

To Those Who Take Lives: You REALLY Need to Get One!

I swear!  How the hell is a struggling writer supposed to have a mighty damned fine weekend when he turns on Fox News and sees that these idiots in Iraq, calling themselves Isis, is forcing Christians in their country to “convert (to Fundamentalist Islam) or die”?  

Some people have accused me of being twisted (as to some of the articles I’ve posted herein), but damn!  These guys make me look like Billy Graham!  

First of all, Isis is known to be a goddess of charity, not damnation and wrath.  According to Wikipedia:  Isis (/ˈaɪsɪs/; Ancient Greek: Ἶσις; original Egyptian pronunciation more likely “Aset” or “Iset”) is a goddess in Ancient Egyptianreligious beliefs, whose worship spread throughout the Greco-Roman world. She was worshipped as the ideal mother and wife as well as the patroness of nature and magic. She was the friend of slaves, sinners, artisans and the downtrodden, but she also listened to the prayers of the wealthy, maidens, aristocrats and rulers.

So this group of idiotic bullies should maybe instead have called themselves Jackass or Dumbass, since they totally butchered the idea of a charitable goddess.  Or maybe they should have called themselves Man with Small Penis since they obviously are nothing more than small people trying to be something greater than what they really are.  There is nothing wrong with a person being small…but when he takes out his frustration from such by bullying others, then he REALLY needs to get a life and get over himself.

What I find truly hilarious is that these idiots call themselves, trying to follow God (or Allah).  But nowhere in the Koran or Holy Bible does it mention anything about killing innocent people.  So maybe they should instead read better books about Gods and Goddesses, come up with better and creative names for their stupidity, and maybe purchase a penis pump while they are at it.  

Pump away, you stupid sons of bitches!

“An Interstate Ghost Story: The Girl on the Highway” — Cover Reveal

Are People REALLY That F*&^ed Up?

 

What the hell is up with reality television?

Whatever happened to the days when people valued sitting in front of the T.V. in their living rooms with the intention of escaping reality?  At best, these shows only serve to show us that celebrities are every bit as screwed up as we are (if not MORE!).  And they show us that even lame everyday Americans can get an opportunity to corrupt and demoralize our younger and more impressionable generation?  Do we really want the characters of reality television being role models for our youth?

It really surprises me that people actually watch this mess!  As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been just as guilty of watching it…at least until I finally come to my senses!

The one that makes my blood boil the most is that one called “Teen Mom”!  Is it bad enough that young women are bumping uglies with some youngsters who learned how to treat women by watching barnyard animals on the Discovery Channel?

You’ve got shows like “The Dog Whisperer”, but if I want to see dogs crapping on the lawn, I can go in my backyard and watch the real thing.

I never understood “Wife Swap”?  If you are going to swap wives for a time, why the hell aren’t you allowed to cuddle….to kiss….to sleep together…to break out whips and chains on each other?  Now THAT would be some real entertainment!

Then you’ve got that one show that talks about people getting crabs…something like “Deadliest Crotch” or whatever.  And why the hell would I want to watch something like that?  Heck!  It might make me so damned scared, that I may not want to ever use a public restroom again.

Then you have “L.A. Ink and Miami Ink”.  The show would be halfway decent if they just stuck to doing the artwork on people’s bodies…but no!  They have to get all caught up in the drama of who failed to show up for work when they were supposed to…once more, we’ve got crap that we can see in our own daily lives!

Then you had shows like Jon and Kate Plus 8 about a woman who pops out children like she’s some kind of a Jiffy-Pop popper or something!  What is there to learn from watching this…that many children can cause a family to sour from the inside out, eventually wrecking an otherwise perfectly good marriage?

Let’s not forget shows like “BBQ Pitmasters” that more or less show us how to cook.  The only problem with this is that we also have to eat what we cook.  And nine times out of 10, it isn’t going to be good for us in spite of just how delicious it really tastes.  Hasn’t it been proved somewhere that most Americans are already obese and unhealthy, if not total heart attacks just waiting to happen?

“Pawn Stars” can be really fascinating when someone brings in some kind of interesting relic or artifact.  But who cares about Elvis’s butt plug?  What the hell is someone going to do?  Plunge it into the ole backside and dance around, rapidly gyrating the hips until the damned thing lodges even deeper, requiring surgery?  And just imagine what this strange impersonator is going to have to explain after he walks into the E.R.?  I don’t know if they really found Elvis’s butt plug…hopefully not!  Because that would just be completely unsanitary!

And “Sister Wives” is not exactly the wisest peanut in the turd!  Any married man knows that one wife is enough…some may even argue that one wife is too much!  I thought that the Mormons changed their policy about men having multiple wives.  What the hell is this guy doing?  Is he trying to get excommunicated, or over-fixated and irritated?  Either way, he always ends up frustrated!

I hope I have made an effective argument for why America no longer needs reality television shows.  If this does not change, before too long we are likely to have a reality show about what goes into the making of reality shows.  And we all know how that abortion is going to turn out!

 

 

Knock Knock…Who’s There? Ebola. Ebola WHO?

Okay…so Ebola is not a very good subject for knock-knock jokes…

But to me, it is not a good subject period.

According to Wikipedia:

Ebola virus disease (EVD) or Ebola hemorrhagic fever (EHF) is the human disease caused by the Ebola virus. Symptoms typically start two days to three weeks after contracting the virus, with a fever, sore throat, muscle pains, and headaches. Typicallynausea, vomiting, and diarrhea follow, along with decreased functioning of the liver and kidneys. At this point, some people begin to have bleeding problems.[1]  

More information can be found in the full article on Wikipedia.

The bad news is that two Americans have been permitted to come back into the country after acquiring this scary-ass disease in Africa!  But the good news is that the first patient is reportedly doing better at a hospital located somewhere in Atlanta.

First of all, if I was crazy enough to go over there and get the disease, I would be considerate enough to contact the local government, telling them to set up a quarantine at my location.  Then, I would not even consider leaving the country until after I was cured.  And I would contact my own government and ask them to send professionals to come and help me.  If the disease killed me, so be it — we should always be willing to accept the consequences for the decisions we make, no matter how careless.  The last thing I would ever want to do is risk spreading this awful disease to others.

Some may argue that both victims were working with a charitable organization to help others who had contracted the disease.  To me, this is very commendable, but still no reason for them to willfully chance spreading the disease here, there, or anywhere else.  But for them to be allowed to leave Africa…!  Which brings me to my next point:  Why the hell are they being allowed back into the United States of America?  Whatever happened to the policy where Americans were kept safe by the government claiming to keep them so?

The fact that the government so haphazardly took the lives of billions of Americans for granted makes me question whether or not the report mentioned above is not just propaganda.  How the hell are we to know for sure that some careless nurse did not accidentally track the guy’s fecal matter into the hospital cafeteria causing an epidemic to spread throughout Atlanta?  After all, if such a thing did happen, would the government not try to prevent the word from getting out so as to divert a nationwide panic from ensuing?

I do hope that the two American victims both stage a full recovery of the virus, but I really do not appreciate that they were willing to bring the disease right to America’s doorstep and into our house.  And I do not appreciate that the man of the house permitted this unruly visitor in, making it feel very welcome indeed:  “Please, come in.  Go ahead.  Dine with us at our table.  It doesn’t matter that you are bleeding out the ass onto the very seat cushions me and my family will be sitting upon from time to time.  It’s all good!”

I remember seeing the news last week, talking about how 20 airports were quarantined.  My guess is that these were airports that offered and received flights to and from international destinations.  I have to be blatantly honest.  It scared the living crap out of me!  And I’m still not entirely feeling at ease with how all of this was handled.

Is anyone else at all concerned that this was permitted to happen?