Connie Sobczak's Blog, page 2
September 9, 2020
A Wise Woman’s Words for Getting Through Hard Times
posted by Connie Sobczak / September 9, 2020
I woke up this morning to an orange sky, which continues to get darker, not lighter, as the morning goes on. It’s 10:00 am as I write this blog, and it looks like nighttime outside. Fires ravage my beautiful state of California, with new ones starting every day. Smoke continues to pour into the Bay Area, where it now sits above the fog layer and completely blocks out our sunlight.
I was distracted and fighting off panic all morning, feeling like the apocalypse had arrived. Then I went downstairs to check on my 92-year-old mama, who has been living with us since last year.
She asked if we were going to be evacuated, thinking that the orange sky and darkness must mean that a fire is near our home. I explained where the smoke is coming from, and that we are safe.
I was sitting on her couch obsessed with my sadness about the fires, my panic about experiencing night when it should be day, and about the stories I read in the news this morning describing large gatherings of people who don’t give a bleep about COVID or ending the pandemic and how angry I am that they are negatively affecting my life.
I told all of this to my mom, who snapped me out of my pity party by reminding me how lucky we are in this moment. We are not being evacuated from our home. We haven’t lost anything. We have great love in our family. We are together. She pointed out how much others are suffering. She said we need an “attitude of gratitude” and to focus on what is good, true, and beautiful in our lives because that is the energy we need to put out to the world now and always. She reminded me to stay with what I can change and to remember all of the people who are suffering right now. She even said we need to forgive those who aren’t taking COVID seriously.
Smack! The wakeup call I needed to snap out of thinking only about how the world’s issues are affecting me personally, lovingly given to me by my dear mama.
My mom is my Wise Woman. She is my guide and has been for a very long time. She is the most enlightened person I know. She’s 92 frickin’ years old and has the most beautiful attitude about life! Some days it’s hard for me to witness the ways in which my powerful mama’s mind and her ability to do certain things are changing, but she is more with it than I am when it comes to knowing how to live a life of peace. My mom focuses on love and forgiveness. She’s been looking back over her life and letting go of all of the painful experiences, forgiving those who hurt her along the way. She is truly free.
She isn’t saying not to take action, but to do so where we have the ability to make change, and to let go of the stuff that is out of our control. She isn’t saying not to feel the pain of the world, but to feel it fully and then get back to what we can do about it.
I offer you my mom’s words not just for the current conditions of the world, but for all of the moments of your life, especially the hard ones. My mom has endured great personal loss, The Great Depression, world wars, and the McCarthy era where her friends were accused of being communists and she had to be careful of every word she uttered in public. She has cared for so many people in her life, from her mentally ill sister to lost young people who lived on her couch when they were homeless, to the Vietnam veterans she counseled in her therapy practice. Her purpose in life has been her service to others. One of my main purposes now is to give back to her by caring for her with loving kindness, and cooking her delicious meals that she is so grateful for :).
Today I am holding onto my mom’s words for dear life as the sky continues to darken and everything about the world we live in feels challenging. Today I will trust her belief that together we can get through anything.
I wish you safety, peace, health, and great love today and always.
Connie
Connie SobczakConnie is the author of Embody and Founder of The Body Positive. She loves to watch the light that emerges when people embrace their magnificent, authentic selves. Her favorite pleasure activities include eating delicious meals, free climbing granite peaks, and running as fast as she can down mountains with her daughter Carmen. She gets true rest by getting absorbed in a good book. Her current recommendations are Gloryland, by Shelton Johnson, and When They Call You a Terrorist, by Patrisse Kahn-Cullers.
Connie Sobczak
Connie Sobczak, author of Embody and Co-Founder of The Body Positive, loves to watch the light and power that emerge when people recognize and embrace their magnificent, authentic selves.Her favorite pleasure activities include eating delicious meals, and rock climbing and running as fast as she can down mountains with her daughter Carmen. She gets true rest by getting lost in a good book. She is currently in love with The Plague of Doves, by Louise Erdrich, and The Lowland, by Jhumpa Lahiri.
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July 30, 2020
Tips for inner peace & self-love in COVID times
posted by Connie Sobczak / July 30, 2020
The last time I wrote about the COVID-19 pandemic, we were just beginning our time of sheltering in place. I never expected that many months later I would be reaching out to you with my thoughts about how to continue to keep our spirits lifted, our self-love intact, and our bodies cared for with kindness, but here we are.
Below I’ve shared a few tools I use to stay centered, self-loving, and gentle with my body.
FOCUS ON INNER PEACE OVER HAPPINESS
“Happiness depends on conditions being perceived as positive;
inner peace does not.”
—Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
I have had more moments than I can count in the past five months when I have felt absolutely claustrophobic from sheltering in place. There are times when I physically feel that I need to crawl out of my skin and escape, but there is nowhere to go. During these moments, I have a few helpful go-tos that bring me back to center and help me stay calm.
Soaking in the nature around me. Even if I can’t get away from the city, I consciously focus on the nature that surrounds me and I feel calmer. I sit under the tree in my yard, I walk in my neighborhood and take in the vibrant colors of the flowers. I commune with my indoor plants and thank them for inspiring me to just be.
Listening to music that soothes my soul. I find myself playing certain songs over and over again that keep me uplifted and connected to my spirit. Spotify and my headphones are my new best friends
June 6, 2020
To Be Truly Body Positive is to Be Actively Anti-Racist
posted by Connie Sobczak / June 3, 2020
“When we start seeing the inherent beauty of every person, we can’t shoot the gun that we have in our hand and kill a person of color.” —Mandie C., Be Body Positive Facilitator
We are the two white founders of The Body Positive, an organization that works to transform the ways that all bodies, diverse in race and size and all identities, are seen and experienced. The Body Positive’s work is to bring us home to our own precious bodies, to recognize how our body dissatisfaction is tied to abuses of power in our culture—including racism—and to reach for a fierce quality of self-love to transform our relationship to our bodies.
This task is astronomically harder to achieve for people whose bodies have been othered, whose bodies have been called not beautiful, whose bodies are traumatized, whose bodies continue to be incarcerated or killed because of their skin color.
We write today to share our solidarity with Black people. Our work as white leaders is to take action now to support change, right in our own communities as well as in the larger world. To do this, we first need to investigate and bring to awareness the shadow places within our own hearts, to understand the ways in which our own fear and greed allow us to “other” Black people and not see and feel their suffering. To wake up to the ways we focus on our own demands, defenses, and distractions instead of taking action to support others. Our work is to address the ways our internalized racism allows us to participate in systems that harm People of Color, and to take action to correct those harms.
We’d like to share some of the simple, practical, and direct ways we are taking action right now (plus more), in an effort to offer ideas and inspire others who may be looking to do the same. To be invested in Body Positivity is also to be invested in anti-racism. The two are inextricably linked.
Opening our hearts. Let in the pain that Black people are experiencing. Meditate on it. Do not shut it out or run away. Allow it to be a catalyst for action.
Donating to local healers and organizations that support Black people through the trauma they are experiencing right now so they can offer scholarships.
Black Seeds (see image below for more information) is a San Francisco Bay Area project Connie is supporting that offers 1:1 healing in nature for Black people. Donations to provide scholarships can be made to the facilitator, Dominique Cowling, on Venmo or PayPal using @dominiquecowling.
Supporting the Movement for Black Lives (M4BL)
Their mission “Seeks to reach millions, mobilize hundreds of thousands, and organize tens of thousands, so that Black political power is a force able to influence national and local agendas in the direction of our shared Vision for Black Lives.” Start with their practical suggestions for each day this week. Begin at a level that makes sense for your own life.
Donating to other organizations and individuals working to protect voting rights, creating bail funds, and finding food and housing for Black people like Color of Change, National Birth Equity Collaborative, and the Bail Project, or find groups and individuals on the front lines in your own community.
Educating ourselves about racism:
o Read some of these books suggested by Ibram X. Kendi, author of Stamped From the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America and How to Be an Antiracist.
o We also highly recommend the new book, Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor, by Layla F. Saad. And listen to her Good Ancestor podcast.
o Read President Barack Obama’s recent article in Medium, and click on the link he shares for more ways to take action, and on this link for concrete recommendations for organizing to change policing in the United States.
Signing petitions and letting our voices be heard. Color of Change has many campaigns they work on that need your name attached.
May we all work together to build a country and world where Black people can live with freedom and safety.
In solidarity,
Elizabeth Scott, LCSW, CEDS-S, and Connie Sobczak
Co-Founders, The Body Positive
Main photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash
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April 23, 2020
A Virtual Hug and a Gift of Self-Care
I hope you and your loved ones are healthy and doing the best you can to take care of yourselves under such difficult circumstances. Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, we have been on lockdown since March 17th, though I started my self-quarantine a few weeks before. After picking up a bug in late February, I instinctively found the need to pull back from the world to focus on my health. Service is central to my life, so it’s been hard to put my needs first. But due to my illness and a very busy start to the year, my spark of light within—my life force—was feeling dimmed. My body demanded that I address its urgent needs. Even though my doctor said I didn’t need to be tested for the coronavirus, I’ve had to work very hard to trust that my body will heal itself.
It’s been strange to feel so disconnected from my body. My usual self-care habits are all out of whack, and I know I’m not alone. I miss hiking in the hills and releasing my stress on my favorite rope swing that overlooks the San Francisco Bay. I need movement in nature to help me relax. But there were so many people on the trail last time I went that I didn’t feel there was enough distance to be safe.
Intuitive self-care is not so easy to practice when the world is in chaos!
But no matter the circumstances, our bodies continue speaking to us, and communicate their intuitive messages continuously, even when we don’t/can’t honor their needs—or hear them speak. I am grateful for my work with The Body Positive, especially helping others connect with their innate wisdom, for it is in times like these, when I am out of kilter myself, that I turn to the practices we teach.
Here’s what I know:
Slowing down to listen closely to my body’s physical and emotional needs—and honoring those needs as best I can—makes all the difference in improving my health.
Consciously focusing on letting go of fear helps my immune system do its best to fight off illness.
Being attuned to my gratitude for all that I do have in my life is the best antidote to my fear.
Honoring my privilege and doing what I can to give to others less fortunate than I connects me to my humanity and to the global community.
Focusing on love, kindness, and humor as much as I can in my new and very bizarre daily reality keeps me getting out of bed each day.
Honoring my need to shut down from communication with the outside world when I need to—and doing so without feeling guilty—is keeping me grounded, and more capable of honoring my requirements for physical and emotional wellbeing.
Pendulating between reading about what’s happening with COVID-19 and stepping completely away from the news and through email/social media is helping me stay centered. Knowing when I’ve had enough, even if it means shutting down a conversation by cutting someone off mid-sentence, helps to reduce my anxiety, which is especially crucial before going to sleep.
Holding the energy each day for the healing of our beautiful planet and its inhabitants helps me believe in a positive future for the human race.
I believe this is a time for us to connect to our authentic voices, to our essence, and express ourselves—and listen to others—from this place as often as possible. The world needs us as whole as we can be to facilitate the healing that is so necessary.
Implementing these practices has been a reliable support for me and I am getting well and strong again.
____________________________________
To support our wonderful Body Positive community and the people they serve (and love!), we are offering free access to our Practice Intuitive Self-Care online course.
You’ll get videos, meditations, and worksheets that will help you connect more deeply to your self-care needs, which is so necessary during this time of heightened fear and stress. If you’re doing well, but know someone else who is struggling, please feel free to share the course with them.
To register for the free Practice Intuitive Self-Care course,
click on the button below and use the coupon code: SELFCARE200B.
Free Intuitive Self-Care Course
I hope you will pay this gift forward by considering the ways in which you can help others during this very difficult time, such as making a donation to your local food bank and signing petitions to encourage your legislators to support legislation that helps those most negatively affected right now. You’ll find other suggestions in the article, 9 Ways to Help Others During the Coronavirus Pandemic, from Idealist.org. Email info@thebodypositive.org if you have suggestions for us to share.
I hope you notice many beautiful moments today and in the days to come.
With love and a big virtual hug,
Connie
Connie SobczakConnie Sobczak, author of Embody and Co-Founder of The Body Positive, loves to watch the light and power that emerge when people recognize and embrace their magnificent, authentic selves.Her favorite pleasure activities include eating delicious meals, and rock climbing and running as fast as she can down mountains with her daughter Carmen. She gets true rest by getting lost in a good book. She is currently in love with The Plague of Doves, by Louise Erdrich, and The Lowland, by Jhumpa Lahiri.
Connie Sobczak
Connie Sobczak, author of Embody and Co-Founder of The Body Positive, loves to watch the light and power that emerge when people recognize and embrace their magnificent, authentic selves.Her favorite pleasure activities include eating delicious meals, and rock climbing and running as fast as she can down mountains with her daughter Carmen. She gets true rest by getting lost in a good book. She is currently in love with The Plague of Doves, by Louise Erdrich, and The Lowland, by Jhumpa Lahiri.
posted by Connie Sobczak / March 28, 2020
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February 2, 2020
Education is Choice
posted by Connie Sobczak / February 15, 2020
In honor of denise brown (shown here with my daughter Carmen in 2001)
It was thirteen years ago today that I, and hundreds of other grieving people, attended the memorial service for Berkeley’s beloved educator and school administrator denise brown (she preferred her name to be written without capital letters). Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her; my cherished friend and poetry-writing mentor, my daughter Carmen’s teacher and spirit mom (a title they chose together to sanctify their deep bond), an artist, educator, and community leader who touched and transformed every person who came into her sphere. denise was the epitome of the word attraction, for every time I saw her, which was five days a week for several special years, she was surrounded by a swarm of people diverse in every way imaginable. Her soul was a powerful magnet, and people couldn’t stay away. She was literally followed wherever she went!
One of denise’s primary goals as a teacher was to help every child in her classroom see and honor their unique identity, and then to bring them together with all of their differences to form a respectful, fun community. She was firm with her kids, and she loved them deeply, which created a classroom environment that fostered learning and growing on every level.
denise was not just an educator in the classroom. In the early 2000s, she and I co-facilitated a girls group called the Girls Empowerment Movement (GEM). The acronym GEM described how we saw the girls we worked with—gems in the rough; young ones growing into their womanhood who benefited from mentoring, guidance, and a brave space in which to share their authentic selves. Every single one of us learned profound lessons from one another during our time together. Our commitment as leaders was to share personal stories in age-appropriate ways to show the girls that we also struggled with being human. No topics were off limits; we talked about changing bodies, shame, race, discrimination and privilege, drugs, friendship, and much more.
I recently attended a powerful workshop at a girls’ schools conference where the leader, Talia Busby Titus, asked the question, “Who deserves to teach Black girls?” My first thought was of denise, and what an incredible role model she was.
“Education is choice,” denise repeated over and over to the girls in her life, “Education is choice.”
I ache to be sitting across the table from denise now, having a meal, and talking about all that is happening in the world to do the necessary work of dismantling white supremacy. And then moving on to the children, and an hours-long conversation about how we would revamp education systems to ensure equity and inclusion. And from there moving on to our other favorite topic, poetry. I miss you every day, denise. I thought we would have forever. In your honor and memory, I continue my education so I can do better at helping to create a more just and loving world.
for denise
Conversation for the soul
I sit across from my
true reflection
though we appear nothing alike
Children come first
Intense is our love
A friendship born
out of mutual affection
for each other’s daughters
for creative expression
for justice and truth
Five hours pass
and seem like one
There is never enough
There is forever
5/16/03, The Vault Café, Oakland, CA
©2003, Connie Sobczak, All rights reserved.
Books, movies, and other resources I highly recommend, not just for Black History Month, but for every month and every year!
How Long ‘Til Black Future Month?, N.K. Jemisin (science fiction, short stories)
me and white supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor, Layla F. Saad (non-fiction, workbook)
Homegoing, Yaa Gyasi (fiction)
The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness, Michelle Alexander (non-fiction)
The Hate U Give (fiction, book by Angie Thomas, film by George Tillman Jr.)
Radical Dharma: Talking Race, Love, and Liberation, Reverend angel Kyodo williams, Lama Rod Owens, with Jasmine Syedullah, PhD (non-fiction)
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January 16, 2020
Inhabiting Our Bodies with Kindness, and Facing Climate Change
Elizabeth, Elizabeth’s mom Lynn, Connie’s mom Andrea, Connie
Joanna Macy (1), my first Buddhist teacher, has been on the front lines of environmental activism for 50 years. Now at 90 she is focused on ending global climate change. Joanna talks about how important it is for us to take a long view for perspective during times of crisis. She suggests that we imagine answering to our grandchildren and other children in our lives when we grow old and they ask us, “What were you doing to help during the Time of the Great Turning?” The Time of the Great Turning is the time we are in now, in which we have the opportunity to choose between focusing on our fear and separation, or whether we will take decisive action to join together and wake up to the collective world crisis we are in and respond with kindness and cooperation to make the necessary changes to ensure the survival of life on earth.
Joanna talks about three levels of activity that support positive change during this Time of the Great Turning:
Activists on the front lines taking direct, non-violent action to insist upon immediate and practical, measures to end carbon pollution now.
People who support the activists with planning, logistics and money.
Healers who help everyone stay well—mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Roger Hallam, the brilliant co-founder of the Extinction Rebellion in England, has studied effective activism strategies in great depth. He promotes non-violent civil disobedience to help all of us wake up and declare climate emergency now so that we can move towards solutions in time. In his practical and hopeful book, Common Sense for the 21st Century (2), he states that only five percent of the population must be involved in civil disobedience to be effective. He acknowledges that most of the people on the front lines will be high school and college-aged individuals, and encourages us to include children and old people in direct actions because they evoke so much care in others.
I am encouraged to know that if we can mobilize just five percent of the population to act, we can demand that governments world-wide take our climate situation seriously and implement the solutions needed to save this planet. We should not despair, but instead be brave. It is the young people who will be facing the climate crisis in their generation. They will be the ones needed to make up the majority of that five percent of the population taking radical, peaceful action to demand honest, wise solutions for a sustainable future.
It makes sense to support these young people now, to help them find freedom from a pre-occupation with their bodies so that they can look out at the world and harness their strength and passion for what is needed ahead.
Of course, the fear and stress of living in a world that is in an environmental crisis evokes intense shock and grief that can lead to feelings of paralysis. It is easier to focus on trying to change our bodies than to face the enormous loss and suffering of global warming and social breakdown.
Thanissara (3), another Buddhist teacher and environmentalist I admire very much, offers these simple steps to support our psychological capacity to mobilize protection for our beloved earth:
1. Allow yourself to feel in your body how you are impacted by climate and environmental breakdown. Practice being kind to yourself as you work with feelings of shock, anger and grief.
2. Notice the ways you fall into patterns of avoidance: making demands, defending yourself with denial, or distracting yourself from facing the difficulties ahead.
3. Reach for an inner well-being. Cultivate self-love. Explore how you can simplify your life by relinquishing the things you do not need and expanding what really matters to you.
4. Join with others in your community to take part in efforts to address climate change. Listen to your intuition to guide you towards the actions that feel most important to you now.
Let’s listen to Joanna and imagine speaking to our grandchildren when we grow old. Let’s imagine sharing with them the brave and loving direct actions we took, or the support we gave to those on the frontlines, or the work we did to heal those who were suffering.
Let’s imagine that we were successful, and the world is green and well, the people loving, connected, aware and cooperative, the animals and all beings thriving again.
Just in the imagining, we can gather strength for the steps we need to take now.
With love,
Elizabeth
(1) Macy, J. (1991). World as Lover, World as Self: Courage for Global Justice and Ecological Renewal. Berkeley, CA. Parallax Press.
(2) Hallam, R. (2019). Common sense for the 21st century: Only nonviolent rebellion can now stop climate breakdown and social collapse. White River Junction, VT: Chelsea Green Publishing.
(3) Thanissara (2015). Time to stand up: An engaged Buddhist manifesto for our earth. Berkeley, CA. North Atlantic Books.
Photo credit: larrydyer.com
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November 29, 2019
The Circle of Life: Impossible to Complete Without a Body
The Circle of Life: Impossible to Complete Without a Body
Breaking news… Human bodies change throughout the lifespan—and this is supposed to happen! It’s difficult to remember such a simple fact when we’re bombarded with messages telling us otherwise. From puberty to childbearing (for some) to aging to really aging to the moment of death, we are trained to distrust and dislike our bodies. We are brainwashed into thinking that life would improve if we could “fix” our bodies to fit the status quo. So very sad. And simply not true.
When I was a child, I was delighted that my body was changing, as most children are who haven’t been traumatized at an early age. I wanted to be tall like my sisters, and I wanted to grow up so I could do all the things they could do. Unfortunately, when I hit puberty, I no longer wanted my body to change. I got sucked down under the wave of pressure to conform to diet culture. Unconsciously, I wanted to stop the inevitable process of turning into an adult woman. At the time, no one was talking about this issue, so I was left to navigate it on my own, as so many others were. Thus began my ten-year struggle with body hatred, six of those years spent with a life-threatening eating disorder.
I would have sold my soul to the devil to have a different body than the one I had. My legs were short and stocky (still are!) and very strong, and, horror of horrors, I didn’t have a thigh gap (yes, the desire for one’s thighs not to touch was a thing in the 1970s, though the term “thigh gap” had yet to be invented).
I was aware that my body was more similar to my mom’s than my dad’s, but instead of being happy that I inherited my mom’s body, I was resentful that I didn’t get the long, lean legs of my dad’s side of the family. I had no concept at the time of the immense power of the matriarchal line of women I come from. And that this body of mine (including my legs) is part of what gives me so much power.
I recently took a trip to Tanzania where I saw replications of skeletons of the earliest hominins at a museum I visited. It blew my mind to realize that my lineage goes all the way back to these beings. My ancestors who existed at the beginning of humans on earth were able to survive, thrive, procreate, and continue to do so until the moment that gave me life. I experienced a sense of euphoria that in words came out as, “I LOVE THIS BODY!”
What a mind bender it is to pause and reflect on how fortunate I am to even be here in a body, to realize the amount of luck my ancestors needed to get to the point where they could procreate. It feels like a miracle to me that I even exist.
And the older I get, the more in awe I am of my body. I feel blessed that it’s still here after all I’ve put it through in my lifetime. I cringe when I think of how I treated it when I was young. I thank my lucky stars daily that I was able to heal from my eating disorder on my own when help was scarce. I am truly grateful for all of the physical, emotional, and spiritual growth that has happened in my life since those difficult times. I honor that the pain I experienced gave me the wisdom that I carry into my work today—wisdom that is held in every single one of my cells.
My body is what gives me the opportunity for life on this planet, for better or worse.
It is my primary relationship, as my body and I are not separate entities. We are one. There is no breaking up with my body. I honor that coming to terms with this notion may be more complicated for others, especially for those who do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. I respect each person’s experience living in their unique human body and hope that every individual is able to live an authentic life.
All this said, we still have bodies that change over time, no matter what we do to and with them. And we live in a society that makes it ever so hard to experience these changes.
I like to remain mindful of what the consequences would be of not aging and changing. Yes, you got it… death. I’m of an age where I have experienced the loss of many people close to me, both old and young. I feel fortunate to still be here, and I remind myself that this is due to having a living body! How fleeting this life is, in this particular moment on the planet in this particular body—no matter how long I live.
My wish for you is that you don’t take having a body for granted. And I hope that you will say “thanks, but no thanks” to all of the messages that tell you something is wrong with the size or shape or color or ability or age or hair color and texture or whatever the fuck it is that the people in your life tell you you should change about your body. This is your one life. This is your one body.
I’m not saying that if you love and respect your body, things will suddenly be a bed of roses. Life is hard and painful at times. And some days you’ll be totally freaked out about having a body. But here you are. This is it. What do you want your life to be?
I would be honored if you’d like to join me in exploring the aging process and/or the task of parenting and caring for another human life. I’m teaching half-day workshops on these two topics on December 8th in Berkeley, CA, using the Model and activities I’ve developed over the past 20+ years in my work to help people heal their relationships with their bodies. I hope to see you there!
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November 13, 2019
Mistakes… What to do when you make one
Mistakes… What to do when you make one
Mistakes…it hurts to make them, yes it does! Wouldn’t it be lovely to always get things right? Well, actually, no. I have learned so many incredible lessons from making mistakes, which I prefer to call “learning experiences.” Lessons that have changed the trajectory of my life in incredible ways.
I’m sharing my latest painful learning experience with you for a couple of reasons. The first is so if you happen to see me in a YouTube video made by a YouTube influencer who wanted to define “body positivity” for her followers, you’ll understand that it didn’t go as I had planned, and that my words were used in a way that wasn’t my intention.
The second reason is so I can emphasize how important it is to make “mistakes” in order to learn and grow, and how having a practice of self-love, even if it’s imperfect, allows us to take risks in life.
Doing the interview was a risk, and I fell on my face. But my self-love allowed me not to collapse into shame. I picked myself up, felt the discomfort, learned my lessons, and kept on going.
I am truly grateful for this mistake I made. As my wise and powerful 91-year-old mama has always said to me when I run to her crying after making a mistake, “Wonderful, Connie. That’s the best way to learn. We don’t learn anything useful when we do everything right!” Lessons learned here.
Here’s are the points I want to address after watching the video in which I was misrepresented to make someone else’s point—not my own:
1. Wow! That was an unfortunate decision! Due to many overwhelming factors, I said yes to talking to someone in a video interview about “body positivity” without asking enough questions about how the footage would be used. I knew the audience was not The Body Positive’s typical followers, but it is my goal to not have The Body Positive be an organization that only shouts into an echo chamber. Our goal is to bring people to us, not to push them away. I recognize the anger in those marginalized by this video and, when deciding to do the interview, I also recognized that there are marginalized people who follow this influencer’s social media account. The idea was to educate EVERYONE, not just those who agree with us. We believe this is how we can participate in making positive change in the world. That said, I am highly disappointed by how my words were skewed.
2. In the LONG interview I gave, many inspiring things were said. Bits were used out of context that made it sound like I’m condoning the influencer’s program to teach weight loss—and her own desire to lose weight and talk about it with her followers. The Body Positive promotes intuitive self-care and a weight-inclusive health model. What didn’t get included in the final video was that I wanted viewers to question their motivation to lose weight and where it comes from. I also challenged them to think about how they want to spend their precious time on this planet. I encouraged them to learn how to listen to their bodies in order to live intuitively. I’m sad I didn’t get to be heard in the way I intended.
3. Elizabeth and I didn’t set out to create a movement, we just named our organization The Body Positive in 1995. We did—and continue to do—our work to prevent eating disorders, promote size diversity and the right for all people to receive dignified health care, and share the idea that it’s possible to be free to fully live one’s precious life in their body, with their unique story and life history, however they choose to do that. We’ve never told people how they should live or what they should or shouldn’t do with their bodies. In this way, how one is or is not “body positive” is for every person to decide for themselves.
4. I do understand that words are powerful, and that they can be used and manipulated to serve the purpose of power over others and to further capitalism. I am deeply saddened that the corporate world has taken on “body positivity” as a catchphrase to make money. I can’t do anything about that. I hope others can. I thought this video interview would give me the opportunity to say all of the things I wanted to say about the beautiful words “body positivity”—wrong!
5. I am NOT the “mother” of the body positive movement! I never said I was, and I’ve never thought it. Enough said!
I will continue to take risks, but I will be more careful and do a better vetting process before I share my soul with anyone who wants to use my words, image, and reputation to further their own goals.
How do you talk to yourself when you make a “mistake”? Are you harsh with yourself? Do you collapse into shame? Do your “mistakes” cause you to not take risks in the future? If you answered yes to these questions, I invite you to reach out to us at info@thebodypositive.org to learn how we can support you in growing in your practice of self-love. The freedom to live boldly is at stake!
Forever learning,
Connie
P.S. I must end this story by telling you that I wrote to the person who interviewed me to express my unhappiness with how I was used. My tone was kind, but direct. She wrote back after many days to say she had read my email over and over and found her heart sinking further each time, but that she understood my reaction and had no intention of causing harm to my reputation. Her response was heartfelt, as I believe she didn’t know she had hurt me. I have found forgiveness (mostly because so much good learning came from this experience) and have let go of the anger I was carrying towards this person. Forgiveness makes my body hurt less. Letting go is a gift.
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May 21, 2019
Discovering Joyful Movement with Nia Dance
Discovering Joyful Movement with Nia Dance
I walked in late to the Jewish Community Center’s (JCC) basketball court, which was cut in half by a temporary sliding wall. The room was sparsely sprinkled with women aged 50+, in lycra leggings and t-shirts with motivational quotes on them, stretching and chatting. I had just moved to New York, joined the JCC, and decided I would try a “Nia Dance” class. Entering the room, I found myself a little outside of my comfort zone as a woman in my early 20s. The music was playing at what I considered to be a low volume for a dance class and I tried to contain my giggles as the instructor began to lead everyone in what I can best describe as a hippy dippy sort of spiritual, fluid dance.
According to the website www.nianow.com, Nia combines “dance, martial arts and mindfulness. It tones your body while transforming your mind. More than just a workout, Nia is a holistic fitness practice addressing each aspect of your life—body, mind and soul.”
As I joined the class in their movement, the instructor, a vibrant woman in her 60s with white hair and a melodramatic scarf tossed over her shoulder, seemed to look at me with surprise that someone so young had come to join her class, but her smile welcomed me. I felt no judgment from the ladies in the class; a feeling that was not so familiar to me in so many other gym settings I had experienced.
I noticed a smile sneak across my face as my mind relaxed and let the music do the work. I didn’t care about the way I looked or the way people perceived me. I was just blissfully happy in the movement of my body in that moment.
The author, Rachel Marcus
Nia is like Zumba, but more fluid and flowy and people just kind of move their bodies however they want. As soon as the instructor yelled, “Embrace your body!”, the sounds of a pick-up basketball game on the other side of the wall faded and the music swelled in my head as my body began to relax and move where it wanted. I closed my eyes and followed the instructions while adding my own spin to them. I noticed a smile sneak across my face as my mind relaxed and let the music do the work. I didn’t care about the way I looked or the way people perceived me. I was just blissfully happy in the movement of my body in that moment.My generation, Millennials or Gen Z, depending on where you draw the line, have so much judgment in their eyes. We are constantly talking about accepting people as they come but in practice, that never really seems to be the case. We care so much about what we look like. Even when we are dancing in clubs late at night, there is still this fear of judgment that stops people from moving authentically, in ways that others may look at and think of as silly, but would bring a profound release and freedom to the mover.
There was even a whole song where we just jiggled our bodies as fast as we could, drummed on our bellies and slapped our butts! Where else can you find that kind of shameless gratitude for your body in an exercise class?!
The Body Positive community that I immerse myself in had always preached the goal of joyful movement and I never really knew what that felt like for me. I now know that Nia Dance is one of my Body Positive joyful movements. There was even a whole song where we just jiggled our bodies as fast as we could, drummed on our bellies and slapped our butts! Where else can you find that kind of shameless gratitude for your body in an exercise class?!
Towards the end of the class, I noticed a girl my age standing at the door watching us and giggling. Her gaze jolted me out of my joyful movement trance and shifted my focus to her. Knowing that my time of body dancing bliss was fleeting, I decided to approach her. She began to move out of the way, thinking I was exiting, but instead I stopped, told her that the fact that she was watching was distracting to me, and asked her to leave. I re-joined the class with a feeling of pride for advocating for myself and asking for what I needed in order to maintain that space as judgment free and Body Positive.
We transitioned into a cool down. My thighs were sore in that good workout kind of way and my energy was positively radiant. Body Positive fitness spaces can be hard to find, but they exist and they feel damn good. I encourage you to try different classes, teachers, and locations, until you find your own joyful movement.
For more info or to find a Nia class near you, check out their site here: https://nianow.com/geofind/classes
Rachel Marcus is the Social Media Coordinator for The Body Positive and lives in New York City.
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March 6, 2019
This International Women’s Day, Let Young Women Speak
This International Women’s Day, Let Young Women Speak
In honor of International Women’s Day on March 8th, I want to share the words of Athena Nair, a high school senior. I met Athena last fall when her school hired us to do a Be Body Positive Facilitator Training. Athena is a passionate and powerful human being who has come home to her body.
I have chills from head to toe as I share Athena’s words with you!
Part One.
To All the Girls I’ve Been Before:
I accept you. You’ve been in my life maybe for a few years,
maybe just on and off when you feel like it, but whether I like it
or not, you girls are all a part of me.
Here’s my bubbly, sappy, grateful exterior.
Not far below, I’m kind of emo.
Those of you who have spent time with me have seen this girl,
perhaps more frequently recently. She writes cringey, emotional songs
that are hidden away in a Google Drive folder. You don’t see this girl
all the time because we’re so pressured to be happy but stressed,
“a perfect mess”. But emo me, I love you for being in touch with the ups
and downs, (mostly the downs), of life.
I’m a dancer, a singer, an actor.
Those of you who have had even one conversation with me and
heard me rave about Queen Beyonce or reference Les Mis know this girl.
She has passion in her eyes, joy in her smile: a theatre nerd.
She’s a hopeless romantic, who secretly loves Shawn Mendes.
You don’t always see her. She’s surrounded by so many messages
about all the ways her love for the arts is “unuseful” and means that she’ll be
“unsuccessful”. “Try coding!” (I have.) But musical me, I love you
for your playlists for every mood and your firecracker footwork
and the scrunched up face you make when you sing.
I’m a brown woman.
Those of you who have seen me see this
right away. This girl has dark skin, a lot of hair: an Indian girl.
She has coconut oil, spice tolerance, and spunky strength
flowing through her veins. You don’t see her all the time because
she’s heard all the ways her skin is “dirty” and “wrong”.
Sometimes she’s the only person of color in a room. Sometimes
she feels like she can’t stand up to a racially insensitive
comment because she’ll just look like an “angry brown girl”. But
brown me, I love you for your skin that refuses to sunburn
and your clothes that make you sparkle on the dance floor.
I’m queer.
Those of you who have known me for awhile have
seen this as soon as I assess whether or not I can trust you with
this piece of my identity. This girl has pride in her heart, love in
her soul: a queer girl. You don’t see her all the time because
she’s heard about all the ways her love for girls is “abnormal”
and something she’ll “grow out of”. But queer me, I love you for
your rainbow self that makes you love people of all kinds.
Which brings me to Part Two:
To All the Girls I’ve Loved (not just romantically) Before:
I accept you. You’ve been in my life maybe for a few years,
maybe just on and off when you feel like it, but whether I like it
or not, you girls are all a part of me.
To my mom:
You’ve raised me to love my thick body with thick skin because
of all the ways it moves on the dance floor. You’ve raised me to
never forget where I come from. I love you for all the ways
you’ve sacrificed so much to be here.
To my musical idols, Tori Kelly, Beyonce, and recently Ariana
Grande after her single thank u, next:
I feel like God made me sexy, like girls run the world, like a dangerous woman because of y’all.
To my gay awakening, Stella Yamada played by Hayley Kiyoko in
Lemonade Mouth:
You opened me up to a whole new world.
To the only brown girl in the movies I know, Mo Banjaree played
by Naomi Scott in Lemonade Mouth:
Your hit solo She’s So Gone will forever be my jam.
To my future Peter Kavinsky…Scratch that. Zoe O recently said
that apparently, I am the sweet and sensitive jock that is Peter
Kavinsky from To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. I totally see it!
Good hair, jock in the theatre world, writes great love
letters…ANYWAY. To my future Lara Jean:
I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to get to know all of your layers,
and for you to know all of mine. It may take a while for us to meet,
but I know I won’t forget the day you reverse your car right into me in a
parking lot. I love you for all of you, or at least, I will.
And to Athena.
I know you’ve been thinking a lot about
unconditional love. And it makes sense…we think “unconditional
love” is a standard, something to be expected. But love with no
conditions is hard to come by. Unconditional love means loving someone
even if they’re mentally ill, or even if they’re gay, even
if they hurt you, even if they flunk out of school, even if they
don’t talk to you for months, even if they end up in jail. It’s not
easy for a lot of people. And Athena, I hope to God, Dumbledore,
Jeff Bezos, or whoever controls the universe, that your Lara Jean
loves you unconditionally. But if not, I’ll learn to. ‘Cause you
taught me love, you taught me patience, you handle pain, and
you turned out amazing. Thank u, next.
4/15/19 Note from Athena: I wrote this speech in the fall of 2018, when Ariana Grande had just released the empowering song “thank u, next,” and so naturally, she was a musical idol for me at the time. After appropriating several cultures and making some insensitive artistic choices, she is no longer on that list…just wanted to add that note!
If you are a young person or you have a young person in your life who is struggling with body issues, I encourage you to take steps to create a Body Positive environment in you/their home and school community. Write to us at info@thebodypositive.org if you want to discuss how to make this happen.
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