Jo Robinson's Blog, page 53

Johnny Nothing by Ian Probert Blog Tour

���Great new kids book alert! My two are in hysterics reading Johnny Nothing by Ian Probert (and I am too).��� Jane Bruton, Editor of Grazia

“Oh, Wow! Dark, sordid, grotesque and hilarious are only a few words I can conjure up to describe this hilarious book.” Lizzie Baldwin, mylittlebookblog

Critics are comparing Ian Probert to Roald Dahl. And with Johnny Nothing we have a modern successor to Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.

Johnny Nothing is best-selling author Ian Probert���s first ever children���s book ��� although adults are enjoying it too. The story of the poorest boy in the world and the nastiest mother in the universe, the book is earning rave reviews. Children and grown-ups are all laughing at this incredibly funny kids book.

Take a look for yourself here!

To celebrate the paperback launch of Johnny Nothing we are offering a free Kindle copy of the book to the first 100 people who Tweet the following message:

@truth42 I���m readingJohnny Nothing by Ian Probert. #YA #Kindle #kidsbooks

The first ten readers who answer the following question will also receive a signed print of one of the book���s illustrations.

Q: What is the tattoo on Ben���s arm?

Send your answers to truth42@icloud.com

Links

Amazon

iBooks

Book Promo

WordPress

Website

Facebook

Twitter @truth42

Author biography

Ian Probert has been scribbling down words ever since he learned to spell the phrase: ‘Once upon a time…’. He is the author of Internet Spy, Rope Burns and a bunch of other titles. Internet Spy was a bestseller in the US and made into a TV film. Rope Burns is a book about why books shouldn’t be written about boxing. Ian has also written things for a shed load of newspapers and magazines. When Ian was a student he used to write lots of letters to the bank manager.

EXCERPT

Bill had a shaven head and was wearing a blue tracksuit. He was almost seven feet tall and built like an outdoor toilet made of brick. Bill didn���t realise this but he was a distant descendent of Neanderthal Man. He had only one eyebrow ��� one long bushy eyebrow that reached right across his forehead. He looked like what you might get if you force fed a member of Oasis with a half-tonne black plastic sackful of steroids.

And if you were brave enough to be present when he took off his tracksuit you would discover that his back was so covered in hair that he was able part it with a comb. If Bill had had more of an interest in fashion, he might even have considered giving it a curly perm and perhaps a few extensions

On his right arm, Bill had a tattoo which simply read ���Bill���. This was in case he woke up one morning and forgot who he was. This was actually less unlikely than you might imagine because standing next to him was his twin brother. His name was Ben and he was identical to Bill in every way except that the tattoo on his arm read ���Bin��� (the tattooist was either South African or not a very good speller). He was wearing a red tracksuit.

Bill gave Mr. and Mrs. MacKenzie the tiniest of smiles and managed to grunt ���hello���. Ben gave the couple exactly the same tiniest of smiles and also managed to grunt ���hello���.

The two men were standing protectively close to Johnny. They were so large that in the confines of Johnny���s bedroom they looked like giants, which they were. They were so enormous that each of them had their own postcode. They were so gigantic that they had their passport photos taken by satellite. They were so humungous that you could spend all day thinking up rubbishy jokes about how big they were and never adequately describe just how indescribably, earth-shatteringly ENORMOUS they were. By no stretch of the imagination could you call them small (unless, of course, you were a lot bigger than them).

The pair of Goliaths were having to stoop slightly so as to avoid head-butting the ceiling, which actually even looked a little scared itself. They were a terrifying sight. Even scarier than a school trip to a Weight-Watcher���s nudist camp.

There was a long, pregnant silence in the room like this:

This eventually gave birth to an even longer post-natal silence, which, in the interest of preserving the rain forests or the battery on your Kindle, I shan���t demonstrate.

The four grown-ups eyed each other nervously. Bill and Ben looked at the Mackenzies like they were looking at insects that could be squashed into pulpy insect juice any time they so desired.

The Mackenzies looked at Bill and Ben like they were looking at two giant skinhead Neanderthal bully boys who had just appeared from nowhere in their recently and unexpectedly decorated council flat.

Johnny looked a little scared.

Finally Billy Mackenzie managed to get his mouth working a little and spluttered: ���Who are you?��� And then: ���What do you want?���

There was another long silence ��� let���s call it a pause ��� while Bill and Ben looked at each other as if trying to decide who was going to answer. Finally Bill spoke: ���You the boy���s parents?��� he demanded in a voice that sounded like an angry rhino with horn-ache. Although if he was clever enough he would have realised that this was a rhetorical question.

There was yet another long silence (you���ll be relieved to hear that this is the last silence you���re going to get in this chapter) before Billy Mackenzie mumbled ���Yes���.

���We���re Johnny���s bodyguards,��� continued Bill. ���We���re here to make sure that everything���s hunky dory.���

���Hunky dory?��� Mrs. Mackenzie suddenly found her voice. ‘What do you mean ���hunky dory���?���

Now Ben spoke: ���What my brother means to say,��� he explained. ���Is that we���ve been ��� how shall I say ��� contracted ��� to make sure that this young feller���s affairs are in order.���

���Get out of my house!��� interrupted Mrs. Mackenzie, suddenly feeling a little braver, although she had no idea why.

Bill and Ben looked at each again for a moment. They did this almost as much as your mum looks in the mirror. Or you dad looks at websites that he shouldn���t be looking at. ���First of all,��� said Bill, ���This isn���t a house ��� it���s a flat.���

���And second of all,��� said his brother. ���We ain���t going nowhere. And neither are you.���

���Johnny who are these men?��� Mrs. MacKenzie asked her son, ignoring the two giants.

���I���m sorry mum but������ Johnny started to speak but Bill cut in like a pair of scissors that chops sentences into bits.

������What the young feller means to say is that the fun���s over.���

���The fun���s over?��� repeated Felicity MacKenzie numbly.

���That���s right,��� continued Ben. ���You���ve had a right old time. You���ve been spending his money like it���s your own. You���ve been ripping the poor young feller off. And we���re here to put a stop to it. From now on things are gonna be different.���

���I���ve had enough of this,��� said Mrs. MacKenzie. ���Nobody speaks to me like this in my house������

���Flat,��� corrected Ben.

���Nobody speaks to me like this in my flat. Billy, call the police!���

As usual Billy MacKenzie did as he was told. He reached into his pocket for his mobile phone. Before he had the chance to even turn it on the gigantic frame of Bill was towering over him.

���That an iPhone?��� asked Ben.

���Erm��� Yes,��� said Billy, who could only watch as the huge man took it from him and with one hand crushed it into a chunk of buckled metal and shattered touch screen.

���I think it���s broken,��� said Ben. ���You ought to take it back to the Apple store. Tell ���em that you���re not getting a decent signal.���

���Right!��� cried Mrs. MacKenzie. ���We���re leaving! You���ll be very sorry you did that. I���ll fetch the police myself!���

Now the giant frame of Bill was standing in front of her. He was holding something in his hand that looked a little like a child���s toy space gun.

���Know what this is?��� he asked. Although once again he wasn���t clever enough to recognise that this was a rhetorical question.

Mrs. Mackenzie regarded the object for a moment. Then she shook her head. Whatever it was she guessed that it was not intended to provide pleasure, happiness or fulfilment. Anything that has a trigger and a barrel and goes ���bang!��� seldom does.

���Come on Billy!��� she said. ���We���re leaving!���

Bill stood in front of her blocking the doorway. ���Not so fast,��� he said, not so slowly. ���It���s called a Taser. See this little trigger at the front? If I press this it���ll give you a small electric shock. It won���t hurt you���Well not too much anyway.���

Bill raised the object and gently touched Mrs. MacKenzie on the arm. There was a loudish bang and a flash of blue neon light and Mrs. MacKenzie collapsed groaning to the floor. She was conscious but wasn���t able to move her arms and legs.

���Oh my gawd!��� said Billy Mackenzie bravely charging out of the room in terror. He got as far as the stairs before there was a second flash. He, too, crumpled to the floor. Bill dragged him back into the bedroom by the scruff of his neck.

Johnny Nothing got to his feet and stood over his two parents. He looked anxious. ���Are they��� Are they��� OK?��� he gasped.

���Don���t you worry yourself,��� smiled Ben. ���Give em a few minutes and they���ll be right as rain.���

���But they���ll think twice before they try to run off again,��� said his brother.

KAI Update:

Originally posted on Kev's Blog:

Kev���s Author Interviews Update

KAI is taking a new spin��� (Kev rubs hands together while spinning wildly in his office chair as two cats look on in anticipation; Eyes wide, bottoms shaking, ready to pounce on poor unsuspecting author about to be interrogated��interviewed)

��Join us as Kev gets into the deepest recesses of the author���s mind���

Featuring���

A short bio of the author

A whole��NEW set of questions


MORE��questions than ever before!

Challenging, breath-taking, brain-raking��questions!!!

���He wants to know, What��� makes��� them��� tick?

���Pur-r-fectly Thrilling!

Watch out for Kev���s Author��Interrogations ���Err, Interviews!���� :D ��Coming Soon to a blog near you!

If you���re interested in interviewing with Kev click the pic below: ��


KAI Board of Aristo-Cats


(If you think you can handle it)

Cat-cha-Later!

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Pun time – something to keep you going in the snow, wind, hail and supermarket.

jorobinson176:

Sally’s Punography. :D

Originally posted on Smorgasbord - Variety is the spice of life:

The weather is closing in with snow forecast so going to pop to the supermarket for the weekly shop��� I was going to post something serious and healthy but that can wait as I am sure that all you really want is a little pun.

This was posted on FB in my timeline this morning and thought you might enjoy.�� Wish me luck with the trolley warriors��� (Why do they park them sideways in the aisle whilst they wander off in search of their next item)

I promise to be back later with something suitably serious��� like high blood pressure and stress related headaches���

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#Read about Guest #Author Sue Vincent

Originally posted on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog..... An Author Promotions Enterprise!:

The rear end of a donkey

If you are going to play ���pin the tail on the donkey��� with your life, you may wish to peek beneath the blindfold. Otherwise, when you take aim, you have no idea where you might end up. This is not always a bad thing. Some twenty years ago, I did just that. Except, I didn���t cheat and I have consequently spent the past couple of decades in the south of England, while my heart still wanders the moors of north.

We had decided to make a change and headed off to what felt like a new world, where it seldom snows and public transport is a rarity. It wasn���t a bad move; the countryside is beautiful and I raised my two sons away from the city. I also started to write. Properly this time.

There had always been little stories for the boys and���

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THIS IS A VERY SAD DAY FOR BLOGGING

Originally posted on Don Charisma:

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO REBLOG THIS POST TO SHOW YOUR SOLIDARITY FOR A FRIEND AND FELLOW BLOGGER ��� JASON CUSHMAN.

It���s recently come to my attention then a friend and fellow blogger has been permanently BANNED from WordPress.com.

Jason Cushman���s blog HarsH ReaLiTy is going to be closed down shortly, which is a very sad end to an era of Jason doing so much for the WordPress community, and bringing NEW and PROGRESSIVE ideas into blogging. He is in blogging terms CHARISMA PERSONIFIED. Jason had this to say :

All blogging advice articles will be removed within 24 hours. The meet and greet threads will be removed by the end of next week. I appreciate everyone that has supported this website. -OM

Jason and I first came into contact when he invited me to join his ���Project O���. I was pretty new to blogging at the time, and didn���t���

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Safe Reviewing

Originally posted on :

It���s important not to tarnish your brand when you���re in the public eye ��� or to invite others to tarnish it for you. No matter how small a fish you might think you are. As an Indie author you really do have to be reading books by other Indies as well your traditionally published favourites, and leaving reviews for our peers is absolutely necessary for the good of the whole tribe. I will ask you one question though ��� how many times have Dan Brown or J K Rowling publicly published a bad review of their peers? They don���t, because there are reviewers out there who get to do those things, and they probably don���t want to get into barnies with other scribblers either. If you have set yourself up as a book reviewer as well as an Indie author that���s fair enough, as long as you���re prepared to take���

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Looking for a little help from my friends!

jorobinson176:

Bette A. Stevens is an incredible author looking for tour hosts for the launch of her new book – Dog Bone Soup. I’ve read and reviewed its prequel – Pure Trash, and I absolutely loved it, so this is a book that I’m really looking forward to.

Originally posted on Bette A. Stevens, Maine Author:

Hi Blogger Friends,

I���m planning to launch my debut novel during January and February and I���m looking for friends to host A BOOK LAUNCH POST on their blog to help me kick off the tour.

Here���s a sneak peek at the header:

If you���d like to lend a hand���


Please email me at bettestevens (at) tds (dot) net
Sorry to type my email address out this way; it���s to deter spammers.

In the subject line type [Launch Post for DOG BONE SOUP].
I���ll email the post to you and have you select a date that is convenient for you to host the launch on your blog.
All you���ll have to do is copy and paste the HTML post that I���ll send you by email into your text editor and supply a title for your post.

Thanks so much for your continued support and encouragement.

Read the first chapter of DOG���

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The Ebook Doctor — Part Three ��� Anatomy of an Ebook

Originally posted on Smorgasbord - Variety is the spice of life:

When you know what an Ebook and E-reader really are, and how they work together, you can learn how to create files that will work properly for your customer/reader.

This post is split into two Sections. The first covers the principles and some useful tools for examining Ebooks. In the in the second Section we will take a detailed look inside the Ebook file.

In later posts we will get to the decision point on the format to use, the problems commonly found in Ebooks, and how to avoid them. And finally a step-by-step guide on how to get a good result.

Inside the Ebook?

Looking at the Anatomy of an Ebook will give you a feel for the overall structure of an Ebook and will give you a better perspective on why formatting your manuscript in very specific ways will help your file pass the import tests for Amazon���

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Baby Steps

Things have been a bit hectic for me for a couple of days, so no writing, editing, or indeed anything computer related has been done so far this week. Also it’s raining so my internet sucks. Life���s funny sometimes when you have to run as fast as you can and you still don���t keep up. Never mind. I���ve got thousands of emails and notifications again, so if there���s anything important that I should be doing that I could take a while getting to, please yell at me. Loud as you like. I don���t mind at all.

I have figured out that I���m a bit of a coward. I decided that seeing as how I would be forced out into the big wide world and have to stand in queues and do horribly tedious things for days, that I would take along my camera just in case I spotted anything interesting. Well. Just holding a camera in public gets you stared at, and also glared at if you look like you���re going to aim it in anyone���s general direction. Much respect to all you street photographers out there. I gave up on that pretty quickly after getting a couple of pretty boring and bad shots, and lots of resentful and possibly threatening stares. I���ll have another go though ��� when I���m not feeling pressurised to do other things, because I���m collecting elements for my future cover art project. I could maybe get into the whole glaring thing when I���m my normal self ��� it���s actually a little funny now that I���m happily back where I belong right here at my desk.

I���m quite excited with my cover design thing, and really hope that I get it right. I was telling a friend the other day that when I was a teenager I was obsessed with sketching pictures that told a story. They ended up looking quite ���different���, and I was strongly encouraged to draw normal things instead. I remember doing one of Elvis entwined with tablets, a syringe, a pink Cadillac, and a peanut butter sandwich, so I can see where that was good advice at the time. But thinking back now I also see a frustrated cover designer ��� hopefully. I also remember writing a terrible song about a robot, but I���ll say no more about that. For the rest of this week I���m just going to be catching up with blogs and comments, and doing mini edits on my published books, correcting gremlins still lurking in them, and then changing their paper book formats and sizes, so WIP���s will only be got back into next week.

Diving into catch up mode now, and anyone contemplating prying me away from my desk for the foreseen future can anticipate worlds of pain. Worlds. Now ��� a couple of my furtive and wobbly shots on my first ever camera outing. I only had the zoom lens with me, and I’m pretty sure I had it on the wrong setting – so…

This huge cross lives on a hill overlooking our little town, and is lit up at night. Whether you���re religious or not, it is strangely comforting.

Taxi Rank

Brothers

Owie!

Birdies – of course.

The Ebook Doctor – Part Two – Which Ereaders to format your books for.

Originally posted on Smorgasbord - Variety is the spice of life:

We are delighted by the response for this new series and several questions have emerged in the last couple of days so David has moved the planned Anatomy of the Ebook a couple of days.�� One of the key issues is which Ereader to format your books for.�� Here are some numbers and some comparisons for the various options.

Who is using what to read Ebooks, and why is it important?

When you have plans to distribute your work as an Ebook, one of your primary purposes will probably be to make it a commercial success. You want to make a profit, and lots of it. To do that you need to know something about your customers and their habits.

You need to know what they use to read their Ebooks so that you can make sure that a version of your book will be available for all the important���

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