Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 129

“Saturn is leaving Sagittarius and moving into Capricorn...

“Saturn is leaving Sagittarius and moving into Capricorn today. Things that may have been otherwise will now become reality. The time for talking and thinking is over. Now is the time to do.”

“Being famous won’t be easy because I’ll...

“Being famous won’t be easy because I’ll have to sing in front of a lot of people, and I get nervous. But I already sang in front of eleven people in music class. And I made a video on my mom’s phone that eighty-two people watched on Instagram.”

“A really bad divorce triggered the first and only manic episode...

“A really bad divorce triggered the first and only manic episode of my life. It was my body’s attempt to avoid feeling any pain. I was sleeping three hours a night and doing handstands in the morning. I did a whole lot of writing. I’m a contractor– so I taught myself all sorts of plastering techniques and developed an entire series of finishes. I worked as a carpenter for twelve hours every day. Eventually I pushed myself to the point where I injured my shoulder, and the doctor told me that I couldn’t work anymore. It forced me to slow down, confront the illness, and make friends with that part of myself. Now I’m on a mood stabilizer. I’m not operating in a triggered state anymore. And I’m back to work, but this time with a team of people to help me carry the load.”

“I’m still having trouble even saying the word...

“I’m still having trouble even saying the word ‘divorce.’ I had always planned on only being married once. And now I’m not. I’m getting older now, and I always wanted to be a Mom– but I’m not. And that’s really hard. The house feels so empty. It still looks like two people live in it. I’m clocking my progress by the moments I’m not crying. And as long as I don’t think about any of these things– I’m fine. My career is going great. I can choose to not think about it. But I’ve got to. I’ve got to ask myself: ‘What happens if he never apologizes?’ , ‘Will I be fine if he never make amends?’ I’d rather not think about this stuff because it hurts. But I know it’s the only way to move on. I can either think through it now, or I can carry it with me forever.”

“My husband had a sudden heart attack a few months ago. It was...

“My husband had a sudden heart attack a few months ago. It was just a few blocks from here. They called me in to identify his body and then just let me walk right out onto 7th Avenue. I felt so lost. My friends were wonderful and supportive but eventually everyone moves on with their lives. I don’t have children. And I’m not a workaholic. So I was left with this intense loneliness and void. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. Then one day I started researching dogs that are good for grief and depression. And ‘poodle’ kept popping up. But when I went to the rescue fair, all the poodles were gone. There was this one old dog in the back that nobody was looking at. She was skin and bones. She was trembling and scared and mucus was running out of her eyes. She seemed so fragile. She reminded me of myself. I named her Grace because I think my husband sent her to me. She’s my first dog. She’s been pure joy. We spend all our time together. She’s gained her weight back. She comes with me to therapy. We’re getting better together.”

“I grew up on a reservation because my father was Cherokee....

“I grew up on a reservation because my father was Cherokee. The only thing he believed in was destroying things. When I was five years old, he sat me down on the couch and said: ‘You’re going to become a man the same way I did.’ First he made me smoke a Camel unfiltered cigarette. Then he gave me a shot of ‘corn stalk hooch.’ It’s liquor made from the silky stuff at the top of corn. Most adults can’t handle it, let alone a kid. It took me a whole day to finish. Every time I threw it up, he’d pour another one. My mistake was that I kept trying to smoke the cigarette first. You’ve got to drink the liquor first so it numbs your throat.”

“I moved to Havana after September 11th. I opened up the first...

“I moved to Havana after September 11th. I opened up the first English language bookstore. It’s been great, but living there has been a major challenge to my introversion. When I lived in New York, I could choose to not interact with people. But that’s not really an option in Cuba. Introversion isn’t really ‘a thing.’ If you’re alone, then something must be wrong. Birthdays are the worst. My friends make me have a party every year. I’ve got to have one slice of cake before I’m allowed to go home. And I have this 86-year-old neighbor named Terasita that always assumes I’m lonely and brings me fritters. I resisted at first because I really value my alone time. I’d lock the doors. I’d turn off the lights. But resistance is futile. They’re so persistent.”

“I almost married my high school sweetheart. She was a sharp...

“I almost married my high school sweetheart. She was a sharp girl. Very kind. Long brown hair, slim– the whole package. We moved to California together after graduation. We spent all our time together. We were in love. We even talked about marriage several times. Then one morning she decided she didn’t want to do it anymore. She told me things had changed. It destroyed me. Ever since then, she’s been the one that I’ve always wondered about. I actually saw her a couple years ago. She came to New York for her father’s funeral, and we took a walk in Central Park together. I hadn’t seen her in forty-five years. She looked amazing. Exactly the same as I remembered. She had two kids. She’d gotten married to some guy from Yale. Toward the end of our walk, she told me that if she could do it all over again, she probably would have never married the guy. I said: ‘That breaks my heart, because all these years I imagined you were happy.’ Of course, there might have been a small part of me that was thinking: ‘Haha! You married the wrong guy.’”

“I just moved to New York, so it’s been a little tough meeting...

“I just moved to New York, so it’s been a little tough meeting people. It seems like everyone already has their own group of friends. So I’m trying to become more of a ‘yes’ person and do things I normally wouldn’t do. Like I came to the park today instead of sitting at home. And I went to my first hockey game yesterday. And I joined a dodge ball team on Thursday nights. Dodge ball is a lot more pressure than I thought it would be. I try to hang back and not throw the ball, but then usually I’m the last one and everyone is aiming at me. The only consolation is knowing that it’s going to be over in two seconds. And after the game we all go to the bar. Our team name is ‘We Throw Things and Drink.’”

“The bridge to Rikers Island is called the Bridge of Pain....

“The bridge to Rikers Island is called the Bridge of Pain. You’re on this bus. You see the city behind you. And in front of you, you see nothing but four walls. I was sent there for a year when I was nineteen years old. My friends and I got caught stealing copper pipes from a construction site. All of us grew up together. I thought they had my back. But none of them came to see me in prison. I had zero visits. Nobody put money in my account. So I haven’t talked to any of those guys since I got out. I work two jobs now. I stay out of trouble. I’m trying not to be a negative person anymore. I still have anger problems. I think it’s because there was so much yelling and violence in my house growing up. But whenever I feel the anger coming on, I just close my eyes and rub my ears. My baby brothers used to rub my ears when I was growing up. When things got bad in the house– it always used to calm me down.”