Grace Marshall's Blog, page 20

What happens when you try to please everybody

So you think you want to please everybody?

Here’s what happens:

When you’re afraid to turn down an opportunity…

A friend’s post on Facebook this week:

“Ahrrrghhhh why did i take this project on? Why, why WHYYYYYY Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr note to self, must re-read the chapter in Grace Marshall’s book about ‘saying no nicely’ instead of just saying yes all the time. This project may be stable and lucrative but it’s a massive pain in the bum!!! Is it wine time yet(!?)”

A classic case for most new (and some not so new) businesses. The flip-side of being flexible and resourceful is there are a lot of things you ‘can do’.

The clients that are not ‘ideal’. The jobs you take on “just to tie you over”. The tasks involved in running a business that may not be your field of expertise, but nevertheless need to be done.

We’ve all done it, and when it enables you to do what you love, and move forward in the right direction, it can have its place. But operating outside of your strengths zaps you, and can easily take over your time, energy and headspace.

You can end up settling for what you ‘can do’ rather than what you really want to do, what you do best and what energises you.

 

When you shy away from saying what you mean…

A friend of mine was organising a play date with another parent.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to pick her up?” she said.

What she really meant was that it would be easier for her to do the pick up, but the other parent didn’t take the hint.

“No it’s fine, I’ll drop her round.” 

“Are you reeeallly sure? I can pick her up straight after school. That would give you more time…”

“Ah no, you’re alright. I’ll be fine to drop her round at 5.”

(cue frustrated palm to forehead)

Sometimes we find it hard to say “no that doesn’t work for me” or “I don’t want you to do that” so we drop hints and try to ‘sell’ a more attractive alternative. The problem with this is it involves mind-reading.

You might drop hints, but you don’t actually ask for what you need.

 

When you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings…

Yet another conversation I had this week was around delivering bad news. The phrase “don’t shoot the messenger” comes to mind, but what if you can’t just walk away from the situation?

A boss giving critical feedback for example, or a client explaining that they’re not happy with part of the work done, or vice versa telling a client that what they want can’t be done.

In those situations, where you’re invested in the outcome, a hit and run strategy might not be that helpful. But for those of us who do like to please people and avoid upsetting others, there is also a danger of taking too much responsibility.

Every communication has three parts – the message, how it’s delivered and how it’s received. Your responsibility only goes as far as crafting and delivering the message – which of course you can adapt to be as helpful as possible, but ultimately the other person has a choice in how they receive it.

Your job is to deliver the message well. If you make yourself responsible for their happiness, you’re taking responsibility that doesn’t belong to you.

 

When you say yes because you hate saying no… 

I know, you love to be generous. And that’s a good thing!

But giving to the point where you are drained and empty  -  doing things from a place of “I have to” rather than “I would love to” – will ultimately lead to resentment.

Generosity is a fruit of the spirit. Fruit nourishes and replenishes you. If you’re feeling drained by giving too much, giving from a place of empty, because you “can’t say no”, that’s not generosity, that’s something else.

Generosity has to be a choice from the heart, not from a place of obligation, duty, guilt or expectation.

 

But here’s what happens when you STOP trying to please everybody:

 

You let go of the stuff that’s not right for you – and clear space for what is

A good friend invited me to join her on a project recently. I love her work and her style and would relish the opportunity to work with her. But the role wasn’t right for me right now. After much deliberation I realised the only reason I hadn’t said no straight away was because I didn’t want to say no to her.

Turns out she’d picked up that my heart wasn’t in it and found someone else already! As she put it, “I can’t really have someone who doesn’t want to be there”.

You see, if an opportunity’s not right for you, you’re not right for it either. I wouldn’t have done it any justice if I had said yes.

Equally I had a journalist request recently, asking if I would comment on seasonal marketing for small businesses. She had picked up on a guest post on my blog, and instead of saying yes and trying to fit myself into that space, I put her in touch with the person who wrote that blog post, who is an expert in that area.

As a result, I didn’t spend hours figuring out what I would say, worrying about an interview that had nothing to do with my strengths and expertise, and I had so much more mental clarity to focus on what’s right for me and my business instead.

 

You stop mind-reading and ask for what you need

I suggested to my friend to explain her needs clearly, and to offer a couple of positive options to the other parent:

“Actually, we’re heading out straight after school and may not be back by 5. It would be easier if we can pick her up at 5, or if you drop her round at 6. Which would you prefer?”

When you ask for what you need, and ask others what they need, you can come up with a solution together. No more mind-reading!

 

You honour who you are – and let others do the same

When you stop trying to be all things to all people, you do your best, most impactful and most satisfying work. You give your best from a place of plenty, and find you have so much more to give. Not only that, you give others the opportunity to step up and give their best too.

Be yourself. When you honour who you are – and who you’re not – you honour and accept others for who they are too.

 

Over to you. What are your experiences of trying to please everyone? How has this post inspired, challenged or encouraged you? Share your thoughts, leave a comment…

It’s official – I’m a Productivity Ninja!

If you’re familiar with my blog, my coaching work, and my recent book, you’ll know that productivity is something of a professional specialty and a personal obsession of mine

So I’m thrilled to be working with Think Productive as their new ‘Productivity Ninja’ for the Midlands, delivering their range of productivity workshops and helping even more people to tackle stress and increase their productivity.

12 November 2012: Think Productive Welcomes Grace Marshall as Productivity Ninja for the West Midlands

Think Productive are delighted to announce that Grace Marshall will be joining us as ‘Productivity Ninja’ for the West Midlands. The unique role of ‘Productivity Ninja’ involves working with our clients in the region to deliver our range of productivity workshops (such as our famous ‘Getting Your Inbox to Zero’) and helping people to tackle stress and increase their productivity through our public workshops. Grace will also work with potential clients to assess their productivity issues and help them get from information overwhelm to clarity, momentum and control.

Since its launch in 2009, Think Productive have recruited ‘Productivity Ninjas’ in the South West, South East and London regions, so Grace’s recruitment brings our work to a totally new audience. Grace is the author of “21 ways to manage the stuff that sucks up your time” and is also a prolific blogger and tweeter on productivity, making her a perfect addition to the team.

Founder of Think Productive, Graham Allcott said:

“We’re delighted to be working with Grace. She’s fitted in really well with the team already and brings a whole a new set of perspectives: as a fellow-author, as a working mum juggling life and work, as a blogger and webinar host and as a coach. We’re really looking forward to working with Grace and expanding our work in the West Midlands in the next few months.”

Grace Marshall said:

“Think Productive are leading the way in productivity training. I love their passionate, practical, playful and human approach to productivity. ’Not enough time’ is the single biggest challenge that I help my coaching clients to solve, so I’m thoroughly looking forward to working with Think Productive to bring their innovative workshops to the Midlands. I’m honoured and excited to be part of the team.”

 

If you would like to come and experience a Think Productive workshop, check out the ‘How to Get Things Done’ and ‘Getting Your Inbox to Zero’ workshops I’ll be running in Birmingham in 2013.

Working Lunch: Get It Done Before Christmas!

What have you started this year that’s now dragging?

How would it feel to get it done, dusted and out of the way by Christmas?

Join my on Thursday 22nd November at 12:30pm for a Working Lunch Session where we’ll work together to focus your energy, clarify your plan of attack and get you ready and raring to go – to get your ‘thing’ DONE by Christmas.

How this works:

This is a working call – bring your ‘thing’ in its current shape or form (project, to-do list, confusion, battle…). I’ll share with you my six steps to clarity and we’ll work together to create your personal plan of attack.


It will be a small, intimate group – 6 people max – to ensure each person gets focused, laser coaching on the call.


We’ll meet on the phone (so bring your own lunch!). The call will last for around 90 minutes and will be recorded, so you can listen again and refer back for any details.


To continue the momentum, you’ll also get to tap into the accountability and support of my clients-only community, to share your challenges, celebrations and commitments.

Sound good? Book your place here:

Oops sorry! Doors have closed.

Get in touch if you’d like to know about the next one.

What wakes you up?

I am NOT a morning person. Night owl, yes. In fact I’ve been known to be more awake at 6am on the rare occasions that I’ve stayed up all night than if I’ve woken up at 6.

Throw into the mix two children, who have both had their fair share of broken nights, 4-5am starts and illnesses that have thrown all routine out of the water.

I admire people who are able to go to bed at 8.30pm in an attempt to get a full night’s sleep. But truth be told I’m far too attached to my evenings when I have my brain all to myself or when my husband and I can chill out and catch up on Dexter.

So, back to the mornings. How do you avoid being a zombie all morning then panicking in the afternoon wondering “where did the time go?”

Here are some things that I’ve found work for me:

Going for a run - sounds a bit extreme I know, and it is easier to do in the summer when there is actually daylight first thing in the morning, but boy does it wake me up and charge me up for the day! Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it

Having something to wake up for – before my kids started school I used to leave the house at 6.30am on a Friday go to a breakfast networking meeting. Amazingly, I used to jump out of bed and get dressed much quicker because a) I would not be popular if the alarm kept going off at that time of the morning and b) I had somewhere to be. I didn’t want to miss it or turn up late. I couldn’t afford to faff around!

Making decisions beforehand to keep moving – If my brain is not awake in the morning, I am more likely to stall at decisions, even something as simple as what to wear. If I have clothes picked out already (by the radiator if it’s a particularly cold night) I can get up, get dressed and keep moving. Same principle goes for identifying your to-do list the day before.

Sensory stimulation – splash of water on my face, a breath of fresh air, the smell of fresh coffee, the taste of cold fresh orange juice, singing at the top of my voice to The Boo Radleys or New Radicals blaring at full volume (yes I am a product of the 90s!) – all help to wake me up!

Starting the day with a job that energises me – I’m a people person, so starting the day with a conversation, coaching call or networking meeting is one of my best ways to boost my energy, motivation and momentum for the rest of the day.

What about you? How do you wake up?

Let me know your thoughts and comments below – love to hear from you!

Are you exhausted from doing it all yourself?

There’s a saying that really riles me.

“If it is to be, it’s up to me.”

I know, I know. It’s meant to be empowering. To take action. Take responsibility. Take the reigns and be in charge of your own life.

But. Too often it gets interpreted as

“Do it yourself. You’re on your own.”

When you’re faced with challenges.
When stuff doesn’t work.
When you’re overwhelmed.
When you have too many ideas… or not enough.
When you can’t see the wood for the trees.
When you’ve lost your mojo.
When you’re feeling cr*p.
When you’re beating yourself up.
When you can’t remember your name, let alone what you’re trying to achieve.
When you’re racing round like a headless chicken.
When you’re stuck.

Don’t ask for help. Don’t collaborate. Don’t phone a friend. Go figure. It’s up to you.

Yes I know it’s up to you to take action. To take your own baby steps and big leaps of faith. To stretch outside your comfort zone. To grow. To be the change you want to see in your world.

Self-sufficiency is a wonderful thing. But I prefer resourcefulness.

Being resourceful means:

You don’t have to do it all yourself.
You don’t have to be good at everything.
You have full permission to be brilliant at some things and hopeless at others.
You can choose what you put your energy into.
You know who you are – and who you are not – and you’re ok with that.
You’re not superwoman – and that’s good thing.
You ask for help.
You learn from others.
You build a superstar support team around you.
You work with people who bring out the best in you.

“No one can whistle a symphony. It takes an orchestra to play it.” – H. E. Luccock

If you’re fed up of fighting alone, and you’ve got place on your support team for a positive, passionate, and encouraging coach, who loves helping crazy busy people make the most of life then check out Bitesize Breakthrough my All-You-Can-Eat coaching programme.

Are you making the most of your finest assets?

When you have your nose to the grindstone, it’s hard to see beyond the grindstone. It can be a great place to focus but only on what’s immediately in front of you.

Sometimes you have to lift your head up, take a different view to see options and factors that are outside of the immediate picture, and go from “What can I do within this situation?” to “What can I bring into this situation?”

Which is why I love the conversation I had with a newly appointed charity director last week. Like many charities, they have seen a significant drop in funding, with one of their major sources virtually dried up. But while funding was his most immediate focus, our conversation was about team development and productivity.

He understood the value of investing in people in a time of budget cuts. The value of team,  that he couldn’t do it all on his own. He knew his strengths – what they are and what they’re not – and recognised that if he was to use his strengths most effectively, he would need each member of his team to be confident, equipped and empowered to do what they do best.

He understood the value of dialogue. He knew that the best ideas are not always the most obvious ones, and may not come from him. He needed to create an environment where each member of the team felt able, confident and free to throw their ideas into the pot, however plain or unusual, in order to brew up the best ideas.

Getting funding was just one side of the equation. Using those resources well was something that required the whole team to be fully engaged, highly effective and working well together, to the best of their capacity and capabilities.

He asked me how he could go about developing his team and improving their effectiveness in a way that created a culture of openness, where ideas are welcome, where all are valued and feel confident playing to their strengths.

Here are the tips I gave him – and how they apply to you even if you are the only person in your business:

1. Identify your strengths

The best teams have different people working well together. The more they can be harnessed, the better results for the team overall, but strengths are the things that strengthen us too, so the more each person plays to their strengths, the more motivated, energised and fulfilled by their work they are likely to be.

What are your strengths? How clear are you on what what they are and what they are not? For those of us who are self-employed, the tasks we ‘have to’ and ‘should’ do can sometimes take over and push aside the work that really brings out the best in us.

How much do you play to your strengths? And how well do they complement the strengths of the people you work with – your clients, your partners, your support team or suppliers?

2. Speak Life – Use Constructive Language

Those differences that make a great team can also be a source of tension. Overused, our strengths can be the very things that sabotage our success. When a team can communicate constructively about their strengths, weaknesses, differences, mistakes and successes, they can create a culture of collaboration and improvement, rather than one of blame, criticism and avoidance.

What kind of language do you use – with your team, your clients, your stakeholders (your family, for example) and with yourself? Is it open and constructive? Or defensive, critical or apologetic? Do your words build up or tear down? And yes, this most definitely applies to the words you use with yourself too.

3. Purpose and drive comes from a clear vision and values

Somewhere inside all of us is a desire to make a difference, to serve a purpose and be part of something bigger than ourselves. But when there’s confusion, uncertainty and distrust in the air, it can feel safer to retreat to our own little bubble, keep our head down and just focus on doing our job. A cohesive team needs clear vision and values – a common cause and direction to rally around. A confused team gets tired, demotivated and distracted.

How clear are you about your vision and values? How much of this is communicated and lived out in the way you do business? Business author Patrick Lencioni describes a core value as something you’re willing to get punished for, and violating it would be like selling your soul. That’s why, when you are clear about your values, it’s so much easier to focus – to identify opportunities from distractions, choose between good ideas and best ideas and distinguish between ideal clients and ones to walk away from.

4. Equip yourself with what works

Effective training is not just about telling people what they are doing wrong and how to do it ‘properly’. In fact, I would wager that most people have a good idea of what’s not working, especially when it comes to time management and productivity. What they are less clear about is why, and how they can change the picture.

Forget proper. Go for what works. A great coach or trainer is one who can help you to develop new insights, consider fresh perspectives and implement strategies that work for you – in a way that fits your personality, lifestyle and working style.

Where are your training gaps? Who can help you to fill those gaps? What resources do you need to bring into your current situation to change the picture?

I’d love to hear from you – how are you investing in your people and in you? What has this prompted you to work on? Do share your thoughts in the comments box below.

And get in touch if you’d like me to help.