Tim Rymel's Blog, page 19
March 15, 2015
The 4 Problems With Reparative Therapy Laws
This article first appeared in The Good Men Project March 15, 2015
A former “ex-gay” leader rips up the argument against laws that ban therapists from trying to convert LGBT kids.
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Last week in Colorado, the House voted to pass HB15-1175, which prohibits licensed therapists and other mental health workers from using conversion therapy, also known as ex-gay or reparative therapy, on minors. Similar bills are making their way across the country to protect LGBT youth from often misinformed and misguided parents on the harm and dangers of this outdated practice.
House Republican Gordon Klingenschmitt, however, wasn’t content with just a vote of dissension, but chose to write a two-page letter outlining the main problems he has with the bill. With similar bills at various stages in other states, Klingenschmitt raises common concerns among other conservative opponents.
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Anti-conversion therapy laws prohibit free speech
This is true, if you are of the opinion that lying, misleading, misinforming and providing false hope are considered free speech from a licensed professional. Along that line of thinking, we should also no longer punish contractors, doctors, lawyers, or any other professional making a promise he or she cannot deliver.
In February, 2015, Superior Court Judge Peter F. Barsio Jr. said that conversion therapy is “a misrepresentation in violation of [New Jersey’s Consumer Fraud Act], in advertising or selling conversion therapy services, to describe homosexuality, not as being a normal variation of human sexuality, but as being a mental illness, disease, disorder, or equivalent thereof.” Homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses in 1973.
Today, nearly all mental health organizations, after over 40 years of research, have determined that sexual orientation cannot be changed, only behavior, and that usually for only a short period of time, or the behavior is driven underground, creating more mental anguish for the person attempting to change it.
While free speech allows the general public to say anything they want, it does not allow doctors to practice medieval and outdated practices on their patients, particularly when those practices have been repudiated and proven to cause harm.
While free speech allows the general public to say anything they want, it does not allow doctors to practice medieval and outdated practices on their patients, particularly when those practices have been repudiated and proven to cause harm. Preventing the practice of reparative therapy holds mental health professionals accountable to their peers for acceptable therapeutic practices.
Anti-conversion therapy restricts religious freedom
This is also true, as was the case when laws were enforced to end slavery, provide for interracial marriage, end segregation, create gender equality and force religious people to treat other human beings with dignity, because they are human beings, not because they have the same religious beliefs.
The famous astronomer, Galileo, was also accused of stepping on religious principles when he used science to discover that the earth was not at the center of the universe. It would be another 350 years before the Catholic Church finally apologized for calling him a heretic and trying to burn him at the stake. (Whoops!)
Religious thinking is traditionally years behind scientific discoveries, and further behind when it comes to adjusting dogmatic and often inhumane beliefs. In the words of Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., “Your right to swing your arms ends just where the other man’s nose begins.”
These bills take away parental rights
This is not true. This bill reinforces what the mental health and medical communities have known for years, that conversion therapy not only doesn’t work, it is potentially harmful. The bill does not (unfortunately) stop parents from sending their children to ex-gay camps, pastoral counseling, or other types of non-licensed therapy, or even impede on their religious liberties to enforce their unfounded beliefs on their children. What it does do is send a clear message that the practice of reparative therapy has been found to be ineffective at best, and harmful, dangerous and deadly at worst.
Many of these therapists make an enormous amount of money from parents willing to do anything to change their child’s sexual or gender orientation, in spite of the facts.
Again, these bills are aimed at holding licensed mental health professionals accountable for their actions. Many of these therapists make an enormous amount of money from parents willing to do anything to change their child’s sexual or gender orientation, in spite of the facts. These bills do not attempt to change a parent’s perspective on the “rightness” or “wrongness” of homosexuality, but they do acknowledge that seeking professional help does not change the child’s orientation and removes the legitimacy of attempting to do so by a licensed therapist.
The bill would threaten freedom of press
This particular dissension is probably the most telling of all the opponents of reparative therapy. As Klingenschmitt noted, “There is a manual for conversion therapy. Many of you, when you swore your oath to defend the constitution, raised your right hand to God, and you placed your left hand on that book.”
Naturally, Klingenschmitt, who holds a PhD in theology from Pat Robertson’s Regent University, is implying that the bill would ban the Bible, as he understands and believes it. As in the case of Galileo, it is a particular interpretation of the Bible that is at odds with ending the practice of reparative therapy.
According to the World Christian Encyclopedia (2001) there are over 33,000 Christian denominations and sects. Each believes that their interpretation and version of the Bible or Scriptures is correct and the others are wrong. Essentially, it is people like Klingenschmitt who deny this type of protective legislation to legitimize their view of Christianity and invalidate the research and experience of others who do not hold their world view.
Until homophobia is eradicated from society and religious bigotry, reparative therapy belongs in the realm of belief.
Anti-reparative therapy laws most certainly do not threaten the freedom of press. There are many books on reparative therapy, written by a number of prominent proponents of the practice. Most of them are ministers, but all claim to be Christians who believe that homosexuality is sinful and something that can and should be changed. Until homophobia is eradicated from society and religious bigotry, reparative therapy belongs in the realm of belief. It does not belong in a society that believes its constitution was to “establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, [and] promote the general Welfare…”
The reason our country was not founded on religious principles is because there is never any agreement on unfounded ideologies, other than those based on a common “belief.” However, belief must be suspended in light of evidence. The two are not always mutually exclusive, but in the cases where they are, truth, a verified or indisputable fact, trumps belief.
The arguments against reparative therapy are purely religious arguments at their core, often shrouded in first amendment jargon to disguise their lack of reasoning and substance. Right-leaning representatives are often persuaded by anecdotal stories of those who share either personal beliefs, or the beliefs of their financial supporters.
Click here to see which states currently have active laws and legislation on reparative therapy.
Photo – Flickr/Daniel Gonzales
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March 8, 2015
Motivated to Change! Guest post by Author Bill Prickett
This article first appeared on Serendipitydodah, a space for “for LGBTQ people and friends and family members of the LGBTQ community attempting to develop and maintain healthy, loving, authentic relationships.”
Growing up, I could tell that my attractions were different than those of other boys. I didn’t have a word for it, but the kids at school quickly filled in the blanks—queer, faggot, sissy. Shame was born. And a desire to conceal my feelings.
I became a Christian in college and was taught these “desires” were unacceptable. I was serious about pleasing God, and had decided to enter the ministry, so getting rid of them was a priority.
I got married, and things were fine for while. But the attractions were always there, under the surface. Then I heard about those who declared they had changed. So I read books, attended workshops, went to counseling, and engaged in concentrated religious disciplines.
As a husband, father and a successful Pastor, I was committed to achieving this change. In time, my story gained prominence. I was featured in the media, and asked to speak at churches and conferences. National ministries and local therapists consulted me as a resource. People began to seek me out for counseling. Or they were sent to me by their parents or church leaders. From this grew a ministry to help those who also wanted to change their sexual attractions.
But in spite of my outer facade, I knew the inner truth. After years of unrelenting effort, I admitted to myself that the attractions were still there. I had not changed.
I was emotionally crushed with guilt of my perceived failure. I resigned my church rather than live a lie. Eventually I filed for divorce after 19 years of marriage to a woman who did not deserve any of this.
My family, my ministry, my reputation…the life I’d built…crumbled.
That was three decades ago. It took years to restore a relationship with my children and to repair the damage inflicted on my self-image and my faith.
Today I work with those who’ve been wounded by these programs. I see the damage inflicted by their deceptive promises using exaggerated stories of “success” and their discredited methodology.
I stand with many other former “ex-gay” leaders and survivors to expose these snake-oil practitioners and their spurious practices who prey on uninformed, anxious parents and vulnerable young people. I speak out against their lies, half-truths outdated, disproven research.
I also stand with mental health organizations who’ve concluded sexual orientation cannot be changed, and shown these programs can cause lasting psychological harm. I personally lost a dear friend, who chose to put a shotgun to his head and pull the trigger when it was clear he could not change.
I want to see these groups discredited and “Conversion” Therapy outlawed. It’s time to acknowledge the truth. A history of human wreckage makes it evident—these programs are emotional, mental and spiritual abuse.
End the abuse now.
Too much time, money and energy has already been spent trying to change what is unchangeable, fix what is not broken or cure what is not a sickness.
Bill Prickett is a writer, blogger, cultural observer, gay Christian, advocate for equality, former ex-gay leader exposing the fraud of reparative therapy, long-time Bible teacher and author of 3 books. Check out Bill’s site for more info.
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I’m Losing My Conservative Values
This article first appeared in The Good Men Project March 8, 2015
From Staunch Conservative Evangelical Minister to LGBT Supporter and Human Rights Activist
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Several months ago I was walking across the campus of a Northern California State University to meet a friend. Two young activists stopped me with a question I couldn’t ignore, as I was about to walk across a street. “Do you support gay rights?” One of them asked.
“I do,” I said, wondering where this was going. Those familiar with my story know it took me a long time to get to that place. Even as a proponent of LGBT people, it didn’t mean I had completely tossed out my relatively conservative values.
With the skills of seasoned evangelists, these young women took me down an intellectual and emotional journey of all the reasons we should continue to help the LGBT community, some of whom can still lose their jobs because of their sexual orientations. When they asked me to sign a petition, I asked for a pen. When they asked me for a donation, I reached for my wallet.
“Who do you represent?” I asked.
“The ACLU,” they said.
It was as if I’d stepped out of a warm shower and someone dumped ice water over the top of my head. I grimaced. “Um…I’m good,” I said and walked away.
In my conservative thinking, the ACLU are the crazy ones, founded in socialism and fighting all that is good and holy. I was raised to oppose the ACLU. Giving them money was akin to registering as a soldier for Putin’s army. I’d sooner register as a Democrat!
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It appears to be true what the conservatives say about “those homosexuals,” if we let them have their way then the good ol’ USA will never be the same.
Still, I’ve changed. I’m not the conservative I once was. Quite honestly, once I started supporting LGBT equality, I started losing my conservative values. It appears to be true what the conservatives say about “those homosexuals,” if we let them have their way then the good ol’ USA will never be the same.
Let’s hope not.
Under our decidedly “Christian nation,” in which I once believed and upheld, we have achieved the number one status in the world with the highest illegal drug use and eighth in prescription drug use; number one in TV watching; number one with most prisoners per capita and home of the largest prisoner populations; number one in teen pregnancies, though number six in divorce rates compared to other nations; number one in student loan debt, though 24th in literacy; and the U.S. has the largest national debt of any nation.
50 million people live below the poverty line, which is nearly 16 percent of the population at one of the richest nations in the world. Healthcare costs per person is $8,233, which is two and a half times more than all other developed nations. What we do well in this country is greed.
Somewhere along my journey I’ve come to realize that people are more important than things and money. Inequality has been historically supported by conservative values, ranging from opposition to civil rights and women’s suffrage to unequal pay. I can no longer support those values.
Unlike my upbringing, which taught me that uniformity meant security and absolute authority meant order, I’ve discovered that the person in power interprets uniformity and absolute authority.
I no longer feel the need to control anyone’s behavior but my own. Unlike my upbringing, which taught me that uniformity meant security and absolute authority meant order, I’ve discovered that the person in power interprets uniformity and absolute authority. The goal isn’t progression, it’s to oppress people into submission, particularly those who are different, or don’t fall neatly into the cultural norm of the day. I’ve learned to accept people as they are and, in doing so, appreciate the unique giftings they have to offer.
I believe in family values, even if those families don’t look like mine. The human race, as a species, is built to survive and thrive. There is no one size fits all and I’ve been fortunate enough to experience many types of families, each with a blend of genders, ethnicities and ages. The undeniable, yet reliable thread in all of them is love. I believe in more love and less contention.
I’ve learned to accept people as they are with no expectations for them to change, or become anything more. My friendships have expanded, become richer, and based on nothing more than one human being connected to another. Setting aside judgment has opened me up to not only accept others, but also serendipitously learn compassion for myself.
The damage done by infusing belief over reason and science continues to harm families and tear at the threads of our nation.
I no longer believe that religion belongs in politics. While our country was founded on the freedom of religion, it was not founded on religious principles. How could it be? With over 34,000 different denominations within Christianity alone, Christians can’t even agree on which one is right. Evangelical Christianity, of which I was a part, is the newest of the Christian religion sects, developing in the 1730s and evolving into the fundamentalism we see today, only as recently as the first part of the 20th century. The damage done by infusing belief over reason and science continues to harm families and tear at the threads of our nation.
I believe everyone has a right to be heard, regardless of financial position or social status, and that all humans must have equal rights, equal protections and equal dignity. As an educator, I have learned that a formidable company, or nation, is built on the strengths of human capital, diverse thinking, and equal ground. Devaluing one group over another sets up a hierarchy of control and manipulation, allowing a segment of society to gain power and grow rich, subverting and condemning others into servitude.
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No, I have not become so open minded that my brains have fallen out, as my father sometimes says of liberals and intellectuals. I still believe in accountability, balanced budgets and smaller government. I believe in a constitution that is by the people and for the people. But I also believe that where there is prejudice and oppression, it’s sometimes necessary for judges to step in and make decisions based on sound reasoning, instead of religious and societal bigotry. If we waited for society to come to the conclusion that black people were humans, too, our nation would likely still be segregated.
As I wrote in my book, “It’s difficult to love people when we see them as an ideology, a false doctrine, or a lifestyle. They cease being people…and become political fodder, which must be debated, voted on and controlled.” I’m not naïve enough to believe that one political party is going to solve all our problems and I’m still staunchly politically independent. While political positioning may inflict the problems, the very real outcome is human casualty. So, I guess I’m losing my conservative values in favor of simple human decency, dignity, and equality.
Photo – Flickr/ Zoe Foodiboo
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March 7, 2015
In Defens(iveness) of Religion
This article first appeared in The Good Men Project March 1, 2015
True religion doesn’t need defending. What’s true can stand on its own.
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Growing up in a Pentecostal denomination, passion came with the territory. My grandfather once prayed over a meal for so long he broke into tongues, only to be scolded by my grandmother for turning dinner into a revival. It was all in good fun on her part. As far as our family was concerned, anytime was a good time for a prayer meeting. And for over 25 years, as an Evangelical Christian minister, I sang, preached, and told others about my beliefs with fervor.
But like many people whose realities don’t match up to their beliefs, my viewpoints began to change. I couldn’t reconcile how God would let my wife divorce me and allow my family to become another statistic. That was the first crack in the armor of faith that once covered me like a custom-fit suit. More unanswered questions led to more cracks, until I realized I could no longer believe in the religion in which I was raised. The armor crumbled. I was free.
I soon discovered, however, that my newfound freedom made people uneasy. Some of those with whom I’d ministered and/or been friends, no longer spoke to me. They attacked the simplest of statements and discarded my decades of experience as a Christian and minister. It was as though my mere existence was an affront to God and He sent them to ridicule and dismiss me. Seemingly overnight I went from a loved, valued and esteemed member of a family to a disdained outcast.
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It’s one thing to disagree with someone who holds a different, or no religious, point of view, but verbal assaults are something else. My good friend, straight ally and LGBT advocate, Kathy Baldock, once posted a comment in an Evangelical Christian forum. (She still identifies as an Evangelical Christian.) She had spent years researching the information she shared. But because her point of view was different than a majority of the readers and commenters, she was met with:
“You ignorant dbags are treating a sin like it’s something they are born with…Please pull your heads out of your butts and actually talk to God and read his book.”
“You are a ‘Christian’ but you believe people are born gay? So you believe in science over our creator?”
Dr. Richard Beck describes this defensiveness as “Terror Management.” He wrote that when religious people “feel existentially vulnerable” they “respond by reinvesting in, defending, and shoring up…cultural worldviews (the source of our meaning in life). These defensive responses, collectively called ‘worldview defense,’ have been measured in a number of ways, from denigrating outgroup members to harshly punishing those who violate our cultural norms.”
In other words, when the very core of someone’s existence is called into question, it leaves him or her feeling exposed. The natural response is to cling even tighter to those intrinsic beliefs and lash out at the person, or group, threatening to challenge them.
There is something about questioning one’s core beliefs that is unnerving. Someone likened it to being a stray dog with a broken leg, perhaps one that is not well socialized. When you try to help the dog, he bites at you because he is in a vulnerable situation. Dr. Beck quotes Freud as saying; “The believer will not let his belief be torn from him, either by arguments or by prohibitions.”
As a society, we’re seeing religious defensiveness play out particularly in response to equal rights for LGBT people and gay marriage. The notorious Alabama’s Chief Justice, Roy Moore, said in an interview, “Our rights do not come from the Constitution, they come from God.” In spite of the interviewer’s in depth knowledge of the legal system, Judge Moore would not, or perhaps could not, see the situation from any other point of view. His defensiveness short-circuited his ability to reason and this otherwise intelligent man was incapable of engaging in a thoughtful conversation. (See the 25 minute interview here.)
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Dr. Joseph Burgo noted one of his favorite therapists’ thoughts on defensiveness as “lies we tell ourselves to ward off truths too painful to accept or unbearable emotions and feelings.” He went on to say, “What makes them so difficult for us to recognize [them in] ourselves is that we’ve spent a lifetime believing those lies and we want to go right on believing them because the alternative is to feel pain.”
Do religious people not truly believe what they preach? Not necessarily. However, where there is faith, there is at least some level of doubt. For Christian fundamentalists, for example (of which I was a part), the belief that the Bible is the Word of God and contains all truth, leaves many unanswered questions. It presents an angry God who, on one hand, says His love is everlasting, but, on the other hand, if you don’t accept it, will send you into a fiery hell for all eternity. Theologians and Christian apologists have built complex explanations and word plays to account for the Biblical discrepancies, but even people with the strongest of faith feel something is off.
Many of the more “evangelistic” religions use this defensiveness as a way to deputize their followers. Rather than sitting around questioning the outright authority of the faith, their job is to win people “into the Kingdom” through Coercion, threats, or force. We see this currently happening with ISIS. However, it is also a part of Christianity’s history. Interestingly enough, when President Obama pointed this out, the religious right who dismissed the horrific murders and crimes against humanity in the name of God verbally assaulted him. (See Religious News Service; Was Obama right about the crusades and Islamic Extremism?) Denial is easier than justifying incongruences of the faith.
Unfortunately, changing one’s worldview is a difficult process, even in light of mentally conflicting information. We need to look no further than the U.S. congress to see a battle over ideologies, each side believing they are right and the other is wrong. Gridlock ensures that no one gets anywhere and nothing changes. Indeed, defensiveness is not found only in those who hold strong religious beliefs.
I’ve always found it ironic that those who believe in an all-powerful God work so diligently to silence those who don’t. What they can’t do through evangelism and prayer, they accomplish through political action committees and legislation. True religion doesn’t need defending. What’s true can stand on its own.
Photo – Flick/David Wise
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February 19, 2015
Afraid of the Bees – Guest Post by David Parker
It was late August. The sun was shining and it was still pretty warm out. There was a steady breeze blowing off the water and the maple leaves, which had just begun their autumn transformation, were sweeping back and forth in lazy figure eights at the tips of their branches. My windows were down and my farmer’s tanned arm, which was soaking up the last bit of sun it was likely to see for the next nine months, was draped out over the edge of the door of my green Ford Ranger pick-up. Kelly Clarkson’s “Behind These Hazel Eyes” blared out of the three working speakers at the highest volume possible, without distorting the sound. I was on the way to my classroom at the daycare. I ran the kindergarten after-school program. I had with me in the pick-up three large bags of Kio and Goldfish for my classroom fish tank. As I drove, a big fat honeybee ricocheted off my driver side mirror and up my flapping t-shirt sleeve. I slammed on the brake, shrieked something awful, and grabbed at my sleeve trying to confine the angrily wiggling insect within a fold of the fabric. Of course I was too late as the little bastard had stung me just above the tan line of my exposed arm.
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Sometimes life can be cruel and my life had been hard. Very hard. By the time I turned 21, I had lived in 61 different places, my father had been in prison for nearly fifteen years, and my mother – though I think she tried – was at her wits end. Just before my 10th birthday, my mother sent me to live with three different relatives, each stay only lasting a few months. She then sent me to a boarding school for teen misfits in the mountains of Eastern Washington called, The Flying H Youth Ranch. I stayed for over two years. I’m not sure I’ll ever understand why I had been sent away those times, but I do know that at least once my mother said to me, “Three kids is more than I can handle.”
A week after my 15th birthday, she put me in a state run foster care system. Despite that she, along with my twin brother and older sister, lived just 15 minutes away, she left me in foster care until my 17th birthday. Once out of foster care, but still in high school, I relied on families from the church to take care of me. This was the church to which my last foster family belonged.
For the rest of my junior year of high school I moved about every two weeks. With three months of my senior year left, I ran out of places to stay, so I moved into a church run homeless shelter with everything I owned. My mom still lived just a short distance away and my Aunt and Uncle just a bit further then that. Neither wanted anything to do with me. After graduating with a 3.6 GPA, I entered the work force and started trying to make my way, but always forging on alone. I spent many, many years going to therapy just to deal with all of the baggage from a lifetime of craziness and unimaginable hardship.
At the age of 25, I landed the best job I had ever had as an After School Program Leader at my church. The church had become my home. I literally lived in a house owned by the church on the same street as the main church building. I sang on the worship teams for both the main church body and the ENORMOUS college ministry on campus. Every part of my life was in some way connected to that building and its people. They had become my family and friends. It was by the far the safest place I had ever been.
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Once back inside my truck, as I rounded the last bend in the road along the waterfront, I noticed a co-ed pair of joggers emerging from the interurban trail onto the shoulder of the road I was on. My eyes were immediately drawn to the butt and legs of the 30 something, tanned, AMAZINGLY well built, tight-running, gear-wearing man. I remember thinking, OMG he is soooo hot. Then I stared at him in my passenger side mirror as I drove by. It wasn’t until he was no longer in view that I realized what had happened and I exclaimed “Noooooooo!!!”
At that moment a pit of an ominous feeling swallowed my heart; the thin veil between my true reality and the reality I had constructed in my head was ripped in two and was never going to be put back together. It was as if someone had set a trap for me and at that right moment pulled a lever, opening the trap door where I stood. In an instant, everything I knew about myself suddenly meant nothing. It meant worse than nothing, it meant that life was about to get hard again and I wept bitterly over the death of the small taste of hope and progress I thought I had started to make.
A few days later, and still pretty down about it all, I went to my counseling session with a pastor from church. I told her, as tears again began to fill my eyes and stream down my face, that I was GAY!!! There was a pause from her as she searched my face. She asked me in perhaps the most concerned tone I had ever heard from her… “Well, have you ever acted on it?”
To which my response was, “What do you mean?” She then asked more pointedly if I had ever touched a man in a sexual manner. “No, of course not,” I said.
With some relief she said, “Oh, then you’re not gay, you’re just same sex attracted. That’s way different.”
I’m not going to lie…that made me feel better. According to her, temptation was perfectly fine as long as nothing came of it. However, she then proceeded to ask me to quit my job in the daycare. I didn’t understand why she was asking this. I loved those kids and they loved me. They had helped me heal a great deal as I was able to re-witness childhood through their little eyes. I also had medical benefits for the first time since foster care and the most money I had ever made up to that point. Naturally, I declined to quit my job and dismissed her idea.
About a week later my boss called me into the office at the daycare and told me, “I know that you are going through a lot right now. We think that you need some time to sort through that. Come September, if you have things in order, feel free to reapply for your position.” I was dumbfounded and devastated.
Just a few days later, the pastor in charge of the college ministry called me into his office to tell me, “I know that you have a lot going on right now…” But as if I had been a salmon hauled into a boat and bludgeoned over the head to stop my flopping around, his words merged into a haze that went in one ear and out the other. I refocused just in time to hear myself getting kicked out of the house I was living in. Again I went numb and in a zombie-like manner, packed my things and moved on.
I immediately found work at the local pet store where I had purchased the fish. I found a home with some of the college guys from the church ministry group and just kept plodding along one foot in front of the other. Then the worship pastor called me into his office about a week later. As if it were the new motto of my life, he repeated the same mantra, “Hey, I know that you have a lot going on right now, and I just think that it’s probably best that we cut back how often you are on the team; that way you can deal with that stuff.” It felt like someone had shot a crossbow bolt into my chest.
At that moment I realized that the pastoral staff had been talking to my counselor about my “issues” and had been coached on how to disconnect me from the structure of the church. It was like having the arrow twisted in place. The pain was intense. As my heart sank, there was a numbing and heavy feeling building in its place. The worship pastor then let me know that my future involvement in the church was dependent upon my dealing with “those issues.” He then pulled a brochure out of the thin drawer that hung just below the keyboard on his desk. It was a relatively plain brochure with the outline of a cross broken by waves of water running through it. Just below the image were the words “Living Waters.”
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It was the Second week of September 2005. I had paid $1,000, received my books and other materials, and started on my three-year journey to true brokenness. Twice a week for 6 months I gathered with 30 other participants and staff. We worshiped at the foot of a big wooden cross for about an hour. For an additional hour we received a teaching on all the ways in which we may or may not be broken, followed lastly by an hour of small group time. During small group, we all took turns listing how the previous week’s message had affected us, how we thought we were broken, and all the things we had been convicted of “by the Holy Spirit,” regarding our pasts. Then the leaders would recap how we were broken, damaged, needy, greedy, selfish, demon possessed, prideful, stubborn, and that we were doomed if we couldn’t let Jesus take it from us. They told us that He wanted to take it and that He was begging us to let Him take it. Each and every week we spent 6 hours recognizing our need, recounting our failings and the feelings they produced, recanting our broken ways, “receiving forgiveness,” and finally recommitting to Jesus to be pure and righteous in His eyes. Regardless of all this, we were ushered into the exact same process again the following week.
The shame that eats at your soul every waking moment starts with the knowledge that you are a sinner, one of the worst, and it doesn’t matter how far you have taken the sin, whether private thoughts, or hardcore carnal acts. The “truth” remains that you are perverted and broken in far more and grander ways than you could possibly hope to fix. It became impossible to make and keep eye contact with anyone.
I quickly lost the ability to sing, and then every childhood message of being unwanted, unneeded, and unloved echoed once again within the gaping cavity of my rib cage. My soul was pulverized and heavy, it was like everything I thought I was, hoped to be, and wished I wasn’t, had been smashed with a sledge hammer and was now nothing more than a pile of shards. Everywhere I went, I was pushed inside my prison that was paved and painted with a sharp cutting jagged stucco of broken dreams and failed attempts at being loved. What made it all that much worse was that I agreed to all of this because I thought it was the right thing to do and because I didn’t want to be alone ever again. I agreed to have my beating heart ripped out of my chest and dissected because I thought those people loved me and wanted to help me. I never felt more damaged, broken, vile, and rejected then I did at the end of those three years of conversion therapy. Every attempt to strip part of myself off and cast it away only served to disconnect and disfigure parts of who God made me to be.
When I imagine running into the leaders now and making eye contact, I see in their imagined gaze only their wasted love, my broken promise, and inability to change myself. The whole chapter of my life was the equivalent to standing in the center of the bee hive, allowing, and even asking to be stung, over and over again because quite foolishly I hoped it could do some good. After all the stings and injected toxins, I instead only became allergic to the stings. After the three years had passed, I realized that to stay, to be stung one more time, would cost my life.
It has been 6 years now and while I’m happier and healthier than I have ever been I still find myself ducking behind displays at the grocery store and leaning down in my car as I pass the church. I still find my heart in my throat when I’m talking to a Christian. Still, I’m marching on and moving forward one step at a time. Yet, it still feels like I’m alone.
♦◊♦
It was mid June in the late afternoon. The temperature was in the high 80s and a light ,intermittent breeze spilled into the neighborhoods from the waterfront. I sat on a stump in my garden, perhaps a bit to near the blooming comfrey and pineapple mint, which when gently tussled by a breeze filled the air with a magical scent. A group of white pigeons walked up and down the red brick path. The female darted to and fro, picking up seeds and bugs, while the male pranced around behind her. The male pecked at her neck every time she stopped in a constant attempt to chase her back to the nest in a little building nearby. Behind the adult pigeons a pair of youngsters, that were just learning to fly and feed themselves, squealed and flapped their wings in pitiful up and down motions. They begged to be fed by their parents who seemed to be thinking more about the next clutch of eggs and less about their existing brood.
Suddenly, a big FAT honey bee flew across my field of vision at eye level, snapping my attention back to myself, my safety, and my needs. I went as stiff as a board, except for gently blowing on the bee to discourage it from landing. I crossed my fingers that it would move on. Sure enough, the bee meandered over to the nearest comfrey stalk and slowly worked each of the little black dotted purple flowers from bottom to top.
All of a sudden, an image of Jesus popped into my mind. It wasn’t just a picture or painting, but rather a mosaic of his likeness made from what appeared to be broken tiles of different colors and shapes. Along with the picture came thoughts, How do I know what Jesus looks like? How do I know His character?
In my garden, I realized that what I knew of Him should come primarily from Scripture, then from my own life, and then the world around me. I realized that on top of my image of Jesus being the cliché blue-eyed European Jesus, I had also bought into many of the character flaws perpetuated by his human followers. My mosaic was more a representation of Him based upon the bits and pieces I borrowed from this broken world and the broken people who lived in it. It was at this moment I decided that getting back to the basics needed to be the next leg of my journey.
This June will be the sixth year from the day I sat on that stump. It has been a constant and sometimes hard-fought battle to unlearn the message of brokenness and re-learn, in any form, a message of acceptance and value. When I started realizing that every message of condemnation and conviction were from people and not from God, it felt incredibly freeing. The hardest parts of recovery have been living in this town where all of this happened while still having the possibility of running into the leaders and participants at the grocery store, gas station, or Starbucks.
Struggling to engage in a church where half the people you know don’t agree with “who you have become,” and don’t see anything wrong with the way “the Church” treats people like you, has also been one of the hardest pieces of recovery. However, when I stop and think about the sting of it all, I remember that big, FAT bee clumsily bumbling from little purple flower to little purple flower and I find peace again. In a great design, I realize that I am a beautifully made as a part of God’s creation and not some crazy defect to be sanded down or painted over.
Photo - Porsupah Ree
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February 15, 2015
Can You Love the Sinner and Hate the Sin?
This article first appeared in The Good Men Project February 15, 2015
A pithy Christian statement creates walls with the LGBT community and loves no one.
——
As a former leader in ex-gay ministry (reparative therapy), I had honed the art of loving the sinner and hating the sin, or so I thought. It took on the appearance of tough love. “God loves you too much to leave you that way,” was my mantra. I’m not a co-dependent person by nature. In fact, I’m often referred to by my family and friends as Sheldon Cooper, the mildly autistic and emotionally detached scientist from the Big Bang Theory. As a Christian, however, I felt it was my loving duty to steer people toward the inerrant Word of God, which clearly told them how to live.
When someone in our ministry would “fall,” meaning they had a sexual encounter, I would pray with them and quote Scriptures that I thought would help. Sometimes those Scriptures were comforting and sometimes they were warnings about the wages of sin. After a few of those falls I would lose patience with the individual and determine that he really didn’t want help in the first place. If he left the church, I would let him go. No reaching out. No questions about how he was doing. As far as I was concerned, he decided to leave God and “follow his fleshly desires.”
I called my actions love.
♦◊♦
Looking back, I’m embarrassed on a number of levels: the arrogance, the pride, the audacity to believe that only my way was right, the callousness, the lack of humanity, and the disgusting representation of God I thought I was.
What I called love, was a thinly veiled attempt at hiding the fear I felt about being dragged away into deception and sin, and away from God.
Crossing over from an ex-gay leader and conservative Christian minister to LGBT advocate was a long, painful journey. I see things much differently now and interpret the actions, behaviors and words of anti-gay Christians through a new lens. What I called love, was a thinly veiled attempt at hiding the fear I felt about being dragged away into deception and sin, and away from God. In fact, nearly all of my life of faith was really a life of fear. I couldn’t see it and no one could convince me otherwise. I adamantly argued I was not homophobic, or narrow-minded, I was simply living by Christian principles and in a deep relationship I shared with Jesus.
I’ve interviewed many former ex-gay leaders and talked to some of the founders of the ex-gay movement. I’ve asked them, like I’ve asked myself, “What were you thinking?” I’ve received many of the same responses: “I thought I was ‘doing the right thing’.” “I thought it was sad that people chose to leave, but that was their problem.”
And then the tables turned on us.
It’s an odd position to find oneself in, especially after years of being in the “in crowd” of church leadership, standing on the platform and sharing from the pulpit. Suddenly, the people with whom you’ve built what felt like family relationships, no longer call. You hear that they are having the same conversations about you that you had about others. “Did you hear about Tim? It’s so sad. Let’s pray for him. He’s been deceived by the devil.”
I changed my point of view because I was wrong…I was wrong about what it means to love others.
Of course, on this side, I’m wondering why they aren’t putting the pieces together. I changed my point of view because I was wrong. I was wrong about people, about God, about science and about the Bible. I was wrong about what it means to love others.
I recently had a conversation with a psychologist and asked him how it was possible for people to simply quit loving someone with whom they disagreed. I discovered there is a name for it. It’s called “the shutting off of affective bonds.” He stated that it is a common feature of high control groups. In other words, we love people with such stringent conditions, that if those conditions aren’t met, we emotionally disconnect.
I see this a lot from Christian parents of gay kids who kick their children out of their homes. 20-40% of homeless youth are LGBT kids. Several studies show that LGBT kids are much more likely to attempt suicide when they do not come from, or have, a supportive family environment. It’s a far cry from the grace of the Gospel many so valiantly claim to be a part of as Christians.
As a father of two teenage daughters, I love my children fiercely. There is nothing they could do or say that will change how I feel about them. We don’t always agree, but when I think of my children I don’t think about what we disagree on, I think about why I love them. As they’ve grown up I’ve stopped looking for ways to fix or change who they are, and now ask, “How can I support you in reaching your goals?” I try to parent out of love, not out of fear.
That type of “love” requires no faith, arrogantly assumes to have all the answers, preposterously assumes to speak for a supposedly almighty, all-powerful God…
When we love out of fear, our minds are filled with “what if’s.” What if someone doesn’t make the right decision? If we allow them to live with what we deem a sinful life, they could bring sin into the church, into our lives, unleash the wrath of God and ultimately (as many TRULY believe) destroy our nation. That type of “love” requires no faith, arrogantly assumes to have all the answers, preposterously assumes to speak for a supposedly almighty, all-powerful God, and let’s face it, gives a lot of power to one person, or one group of people. How big is God anyway? He can’t handle it? Or he’s got such a temper he’ll destroy everyone because we decided to just love people?
I’ve learned that loving people where they are releases my expectations on them to become what I think they should be, and allows them to become the person that they are supposed to be. As a Christian, that means allowing people to make their own decisions, come up with their own interpretation of the Bible (there are over 34,000 Christian denominations) and live their lives with all the grace that the Christian Gospel represents. It is TRULY a life of faith and uncertainty, but most definitely a life of love.
♦◊♦
In my experience, many Christians are preoccupied with sin – defining it, labeling it, and trying to avoid it. In fact, I attended a Wednesday night meeting a few months ago where the congregants confronted their pastor for not preaching enough about sin. He wisely asked, “Whose sin? Yours or someone else’s?”
It’s difficult to love people when all we see is who we don’t want them to be, or we define them by a behavior, which they may or may not even be doing. No quality relationship works like that. I have often said, when I’m speaking in churches, before you try out those pithy statements on people you don’t know try them out at home. “Honey, I love you, but not your sin.” Now see how far your relationship can go from there.
Photo/Flickr – A.Shazly
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January 17, 2015
Ex-ex-gay: A Journey Toward Healing
Someone recently wrote me about his experience in ex-gay ministry:
I guess I feel a bit like I’m in a blender. On the surface I feel like I’ve got this all under control but my insides are so scrambled and shredded I can’t tell up from down or left from right.
He went on to tell about how he was treated by those who were once his friends, so loving and kind, as long he followed the path they said would make him whole. When it didn’t work, he was cast aside to make room for the next person.
It’s a story I’ve heard over and over again. Men and women feel conflicted over their sexuality and their faith, both of which share equal parts of their thoughts and biology. Desperate for help, they contact organizations that may not overtly promise changing their sexual orientations from gay to straight, but make it clear that any faithful commitment to God – in the way they prescribe – will bring about change. When change fails to come, the individuals are blamed for a lack of results. They didn’t believe the right way, believe long enough or hard enough; they weren’t committed enough. They didn’t understand God correctly, didn’t read the Bible correctly, or simply failed to have some kind of divine interaction that would have erased the wrong programming. Thus, as the writer so eloquently put it, they feel a bit like they are in a blender.
♦◊♦
Now what? What are you supposed to do when the promise of change didn’t work? Feeling like a failure, and when you need people the most, you are abandoned. What you thought was wrong feels right and what you thought was right feels wrong. On top of the confusion are feelings of betrayal. You find yourself angry at something you can’t quite put a face to and furious at a system without a leader.
The foundation on which you based everything you’ve ever thought, or done, voted on, stood for, rallied against and felt passion about suddenly disappears. People who said they would love you forever, friend you for life, or die to save you, left you stranded in a sea of confusion. Instead of throwing a lifeline, they cast a net of hateful words, ominous warnings, and final goodbyes.
The journey out of the ex-gay web is a long one. It will never be without scars, but there is a way to begin processing the pain.
Embrace your pain
I spent years running from my pain, which resulted in physical and mental health problems. I used humor to cover it, food to ignore it, and isolation to numb it. Just like physical pain tells you there is something wrong in your body, emotional pain tells you there is something wrong in your soul. Ignoring it won’t make it better.
Acknowledge what you feel. Let it be present. Cry, yell, keep a journal and come to terms with it. Pain and suffering is part of what makes us who we are. No one is immune from it, but it can either create empathy for others, or cause us to become cynical and critical. By recognizing our pain, acknowledging and embracing it, we allow ourselves to feel and love more deeply.
Share your story
The last thing I wanted to do when I began to come to grips with my sexuality was tell others. I wasn’t a proud gay man; I was a confused failure as a Christian, husband and minister. That kind of shame kept me in hiding. Shame is consuming. It tells you that you don’t belong anywhere. You’re not like anyone else and you don’t deserve to be happy. But sharing your story, whether it is with one friend at a time, blogging, or standing in front of an audience connects you with other people who understand your pain. More often than not, they identify with your feelings, even if they can’t share in your exact experiences.
People are hungry for authenticity. Our Hollywood culture of perfection is a mirage of emptiness. No amount of money, good looks, or fame can erase the shame of imperfection. If it could, we wouldn’t hear of so many famous people committing suicide, botched plastic surgeries, divorces and drug abuse. Find a place where you feel a level comfortableness and begin to tell your story.
Choose to forgive
Anger is a secondary emotion. If you feel angry at ex-gay and church leaders, it is most likely based in the hurt and pain they caused you. Their actions may have very well changed the course of your life, and this pain is deeply rooted. Your anger is not only understandable, but justifiable. The depth of damage caused by the ex-gay industry, and evangelical church by extension, has caused some to commit suicide, others to swirl into the depths of depression, and countless broken marriages and families. There is no excuse and there are no words to repair the damage.
The only thing you can do to move forward is choosing to forgive. Forgiving doesn’t let people off the hook. It doesn’t erase the pain or the memories; it only releases us from the grip of those that did the damage. Most likely, many of us are long forgotten by those ex-gay ministries. We are another number to them, and considered deceived by the enemy. Our anger isn’t going to bring about an apology, it’s only going to encapsulate us in a relentless cycle of self-destruction, preventing us from moving forward. Choose to forgive those who hurt you and choose to live your life on your terms.
Find a community and stay in it
Whether it’s online, offline, or a combination of both, find people with whom you can relate on some level. Share your thoughts and feelings. Don’t run away and don’t isolate yourself, even though that’s what you feel like doing.
We all need community and there are always people who share our interests. It’s just a matter of finding them. Keep reaching out and keep staying connected.
Remember that YOU MATTER
The pain you have experienced and the feelings of worthlessness are not you. Those are the results of what you have believed about you, probably based on what others have told you about you. You have a right to grieve. You have a right to feel. You have a right to get angry. You have a right to express yourself. You have a right to be human. You matter. You are as valuable as any other human being. Don’t give into the depression of what was. That is not the sum of who you are and there are many better days on the other side of the pain.
If God is God…
The confusion caused by religious zeal and hurtful theology condemns people into shame and fear. It is a religious system of circular thinking that many don’t even realize they are in. They use Scriptures that tell them they are sinful and then go back to the same Scriptures for healing from their sinfulness. They never find grace, healing, or change.
However, if God is God, He is not threatened by theology (which, by the way, is only the “study of” God, not the ultimate truth about God). If God is God, He is not threatened by doubt, questions, anger, or disappointment. He is not held to religious interpretation (34,000 views of God in Christianity alone). He is bigger than churches, politics, religion and sexuality. He is not bound by culture. He is not a Christian, a Jew, or a Muslim. He cannot be bound to a single book, or explanation. If God is God, He is greater than any human understanding, interpretation, and reasoning. His grace is beyond grasp and His compassion beyond comprehension. If God is God, He loves you for who you were created to be, exactly the way you were created to be.
For help, see Beyond Ex-Gay.
Photo – Flickr/BK
Tim
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November 16, 2014
I’m a Gay Man Who Married a Straight Woman
This article first appeared in The Good Men Project.
When religion makes a promise reality can’t keep.—
“My eyes opened around 2:00 A.M. to the sound of a crowd screaming in the background. I had fallen asleep on the sofa and was, once again, being awakened by a late-night airing of The Jerry Springer Show. No sooner did I regain consciousness than depression wrapped itself around my psyche like a tight-fitting shoe. I let out a barely audible sigh. Sleep often eluded me; insomnia was now as much a part of my routine as brushing my teeth. I slept when I could.
“I hated the Jerry Springer show, but changing the channel required too much effort. “What are you going to tell our son?!” the distraught guest screamed at her husband, a transgendered cowboy who was on the show to come out to his wife and introduce his Harley-riding boyfriend. “Our son’s only ten,” she said, her voice growing quieter and more desperate. How could someone do that to his kid? I thought. And why on national TV? As I watched her bury her head in her hands, shaking with sobs, a tear formed in the corner of my own eye and slowly drifted over the bridge of my nose. With my own divorce imminent, my emotions were raw.
“It had only been a couple of months since my wife told me our marriage was over. We had been married for six and a half years and, though our marriage was rocky from the start, I never expected to be in this situation. I made a commitment for life. In addition, the thought of not seeing my daughters every day, putting them to bed at night and waking them up in the morning, was more than I could bear. I was devastated.
“Another roar from the raucous Springer crowd brought my attention back to the television. The husband’s cocky attitude made me angry. I didn’t know if the story was real, but my heart ached for his little boy just the same. This man projected the self-centered callousness I saw in my wife. I hated him. I hated her. I mustered the strength to find the remote and press the power button. The screen went dark.”
Excerpt from: Going Gay My Journey from Evangelical Christian Minister to Self-acceptance, Love, Life, and Meaning (CK Publishing, 2014).
♦◊♦
We were young, in love, and believed that, with God on our side, the whole world had been laid out before us.
Like most couples, my wife and I, full of hope and promise, walked down the aisle of the church where we married. We were both dedicated, Evangelical Christians. I was in the ministry at the time. We were young, in love, and believed that, with God on our side, the whole world had been laid out before us.
But I was gay.
People frequently ask if my wife knew I was gay when she married me. The answer is a bit more complicated than a simple yes or no. I had gone through an ex-gay ministry, the most famous one in the country in fact, and was working for them when we got married. My wife and I believed I had been “healed” of my homosexuality, or was at least in the process of being healed. Our faith taught us to trust, pray and believe that God could do miraculous things.
It wasn’t too long into the marriage before we both began to sense something was wrong. There was an invisible wall that separated us emotionally. I wanted to believe it wasn’t there and denied it vehemently when she brought it up. We prayed harder. I had sufficiently suppressed my sexuality in the years leading up to the marriage. I believed my lack of sexual attraction meant God was healing me. What it really meant was that I had learned to subdue it to the point that I felt almost no sexual attractions at all. This gave me a sense of satisfaction, feeling as though my spirituality was higher than my carnal self. At the same time, I only felt half-alive.
I controlled practically everything around me, from how I dressed to how my house looked, to what I wanted others to perceive about me. It was exhausting. I detracted from intimacy by causing an argument, making a joke, or claiming to be too tired. The latter was mostly true since I put so much energy into pretending. In those rare times we had sex, it was more like building a fence than building a relationship. I was proud of the fact that I got through it, all the while hoping she didn’t notice how uncomfortable I felt.
♦◊♦
The emotional strain grew worse and the friendship that once held us together began to come undone.
By the time we were pregnant with our first child, the relationship had nearly reached a breaking point. Divorce, however, wasn’t an option because of our Christian commitment. We prayed harder. We read our Bibles. We faithfully attended church, Bible studies and Christian fellowship. The emotional strain grew worse and the friendship that once held us together began to come undone.
Nearly as miraculous as the virgin birth itself, she was pregnant again. We knew exactly when it happened, in a moment – a brief moment – of truce. The pressures of life weighed on us as we both became disillusioned with church. The lack of answers and spiritual guidance for our troubles left us blaming each other. I hated her.
Soon, there was nothing attractive about her at all and I felt my marriage – the unspoken golden promise of ex-gay ministry – was an albatross that kept me from finding God. But I was trapped. With divorce out of the picture, I prayed God would take her home. I could make it as a single dad with two daughters, but I couldn’t bring myself to divorce her. That would be a sin.
Still, I wasn’t prepared when she took the initiative and divorced me. I reeled from the pain of failure, wondering how a just God could allow me to go through so much turmoil in one life. Wasn’t fighting the sinfulness of homosexuality enough? Now divorce? Where was the Christian promise of abundant life Jesus talked about? Why didn’t the magic formula of Bible reading, prayer, fasting, worship and fellowship work? I was an ordained minister, of all things. If anyone knew how it worked, it was me.
For six years following my divorce, I sat mostly in silence, isolating myself from the rest of the world. I frequently stared out of the large pane glass window in the back of my house, trying to figure out what happened. Faith and sexuality had been neatly compartmentalized to keep me from going insane. Now they were merging into one. Questioning my beliefs felt blasphemous. They were the very foundation on which I made decisions, lived, breathed and raised my children. I simply could not be wrong about them. The Bible could not be wrong.
♦◊♦
It’s been 12 years since my divorce. My ex-wife and I have jointly worked together and raised our children, even spending holidays and birthdays together. Our beliefs are drastically different than they used to be. It’s difficult to go through decades of inner turmoil and come out completely unscathed. Most of what I once believed about Christianity, I now see as nothing more than religious fervor, organized into murky factions of the same basic ideology. We call these denominations. There are 34,000 of them. Which one is “right” is anybody’s guess. I no longer care. I don’t think God does either.
I believe that God is bigger than the minute details that too frequently occupy our thoughts.
The Evangelical Christian Church’s idea that God can change people from gay to straight is misguided at best and malicious at worse. Men, women and children have been sold the promise that people can and should change their sexual orientation, based on interpretations of canonized texts. When it doesn’t work, the person wasn’t trying hard enough, didn’t have enough faith, was never a Christian in the first place, didn’t do it right, didn’t do it long enough, didn’t have the right counseling, and on and on goes the list. It all boils down to religion making a promise reality can’t keep.
I believe that God is bigger than the minute details that too frequently occupy our thoughts. When I let go, I discovered life was never meant to be an uphill battle. Rather than simply trying to survive I can focus on helping others. That seems more Christian to me, and lines up perfectly with reality.
#BornPerfect
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Photo: Flickr/Albert Palmer
The post I’m a Gay Man Who Married a Straight Woman appeared first on Tim Rymel.
November 9, 2014
Are Christians Ready to let go of the Idea of “Ex-gay”?
This article first appeared in The Good Men Project.
There’s no such thing as an “ex-gay.” It’s time to put reparative therapy behind us.___
This past week, Rev. Russell Moore, director of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission, was reported by the Religious News Service as denouncing reparative therapy for gays. “The utopian idea if you come to Christ and if you go through our program, you’re going to be immediately set free from attraction or anything you’re struggling with, I don’t think that’s a Christian idea,” Moore said.
The problem is, after more than 40 years there is not a shred of peer-reviewed scientific evidence that proves anyone’s sexual orientation has changed.
It’s an idea that originated in the early ‘70s with Love in Action and Exodus International, two of the world’s most renowned organizations that tried to change people from gay to straight. The problem is, after more than 40 years there is not a shred of peer-reviewed scientific evidence that proves anyone’s sexual orientation has changed. Researcher Lisa Diamond has most recently provided over a decade of groundbreaking research on sexual fluidity, but even then has stated in a personal interview that she has never seen a single person change from gay to straight.
♦◊♦
Why were we trying to change someone’s orientation in the first place?
Changing someone’s sexual orientation is an antiquated idea from the earliest psychotherapists at the turn of the century. Many believed homosexuality stemmed from a poor parental relationship(s), or was the result of abuse or other trauma. The problem with what became a mainstream hypothesis about homosexuality is that no one bothered to research well-adjusted gay people until the 1950s. It was nearly 20 years after this research that homosexuality was finally removed as a mental illness diagnoses from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illnesses. By that time, religious zealots had jumped in the parade of belief that same-sex attractions were nothing more than unbridled debauchery. One by one, science and the gay community is still trying to dismantle their floats.
♦◊♦
“Tens of Thousands” of Ex-Gays
Anecdotal stories, such as the one told by Christian rapper Jackie Hill-Perry, don’t make the myth disappear any faster. “The Word of God itself, apart from Jackie Hill, testifies that people can change,” she was heard to say on a Christian Radio show. Other testimonies, such as that of Gospel artist Donnie McClurkin, and more “seasoned” ex-gays, such as Frank Worthen, David Kyle Foster and Stephen Black make the waters murkier for those who want to believe God will change someone’s sexual orientation as evidence of faith.
In 2013, after a failed attempt at providing a show of force in Washington DC, Ex-gay Pride Month’s organizer, Christopher Doyle, told American Family Radio’s Sandy Rios that “tens of thousands” existed but are “in the closet because of fear, shame and threats from gay activists.” According to Right Wing Watch, who shared the story, less than ten people showed up for the first (and last) Ex-gay March on Washington.
The “tens of thousands” number is a common phrase used in Christian media and quoted by faithful hopefuls in response to scientific claims that sexual orientation cannot be changed.
The “tens of thousands” number is a common phrase used in Christian media and quoted by faithful hopefuls in response to scientific claims that sexual orientation cannot be changed. The truth is they don’t exist. In fact, once Christian organizations latch on to an “ex-gay” individual, he or she is usually catapulted into Christian stardom, appearing frequently on the top-rated Christian media outlets, such as the 700 Club, Focus on the Family and Trinity Broadcasting Network. It’s generally the same person, or a small group of individuals that do the talking for the “tens of thousands.” The consequences become a problem of their own for that individual.
John Paulk, whose name is synonymous with the ex-gay movement, said in Politico Magazine this year, “More and more, when I’d have to get up and speak to crowds about my gay conversion, I felt like a wind-up toy. I’d go back to my hotel room, fall on the bed and start weeping.” He issued a statement of apology in 2013 for the pain he caused so many others by his deception, though his own change was something he, too, desperately wanted to believe.
♦◊♦
So what about those who appear to have truly changed?
Sexual and gender researcher Dr. Lisa Diamond’s first book, Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire, focused on female sexual orientation, Women’s sexuality is more complex than men’s sexuality, or so it was thought, which allows some women to become romantically involved based on emotional attraction, rather than simply a physical one and regardless of gender. However, Dr. Diamond’s research found something much broader than we thought about human sexuality before. It is a vast and shifting phenomena for both sexes, not nearly as cut and dry, black and white, or as identifiable as previously thought.
Is it possible for someone who identifies as gay or lesbian to remain in a heterosexual relationship? Yes. One former ex-gay leader, who is still married and no longer believes in the ex-gay message, told me that they are 60% attracted to the opposite sex and 40% attracted to the same sex. They see no reason to leave their spouse or family simply because their beliefs have changed. Dr. Diamond also told me she has seen cases where someone was romantically attracted and attached to the gender of the opposite sex, though the person identified as homosexual. Religion does not play a factor in either of these cases, however religious obligation can and does play a factor in some situations.
I know many who once identified as ex-gay, but now have gone silent on the issue. They are not “in the closet because of fear, shame and threats from gay activists,” as Christopher Doyle suggests. In private conversations they have in fact realized they are still gay. Some have confessed extra-marital gay affairs or hookups throughout their years of marriage, gay porn, or inwardly long for a gay relationship. However, they have also maintained their faith, or told me they willingly chose to get married because they wanted a wife and kids. In spite of it all, they’ve said, they don’t have regrets about their choices to do so.
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We take issue with unsubstantiated claims of sexual orientation change and the false hope it holds out to young people, their families, and their churches.
Those of us in the gay community, and former ex-gays, do not take issue with gay people who choose to remain celibate for their faith, or any other reason for that matter, or those who decide they simply want a traditional family. We take issue with unsubstantiated claims of sexual orientation change and the false hope it holds out to young people, their families, and their churches. The cold, hard reality is that not everyone can remain single, or celibate. Even the Apostle Paul was aware of this when he said that it is better to marry than burn with lust (1 Corinthians 7:9). Ironically, many Christians want to deny marriage to lesbians and gays, as well.
As Rev. Moore eluded at the Ethics and Religious Liberties meeting last week, the idea of “ex-gay” therapy has come and gone. Religion News Service writer, Sarah Pulliam Bailey even noted, “Earlier this year the 50,000-member American Association of Christian Counselors amended its code of ethics eliminating reparative therapy and encouraging celibacy instead.” Each of these steps brings us closer to ending the harmful practice of reparative therapy and allows people – all of us, not just the LGBT community – to live authentically, accepting ourselves and others, the way God intended.
Photo–Daniel Gonzales/Flickr
The post Are Christians Ready to let go of the Idea of “Ex-gay”? appeared first on Tim Rymel.
October 19, 2014
This is the Lady Your Pastor Warned You About
This article first appeared at The Good Men Project.
“My name is Kathy Baldock and I have come here to put a face to the person you bullied and tormented and to give you the opportunity to take responsibility for your actions.” Baldock drove from her home in Reno, NV to deliver that message to a pastor in Texas. He made two mistakes: 1, he created videos attacking Baldock’s pro-LGBT stance without any logical reasons and 2, he didn’t apologize when she asked him to. She happened to be in Texas for a conference anyway and this man’s senior pastor also wouldn’t respond to her requests for an apology. She’s not one to give up.
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“I had a death-grip on the viewpoint that you can’t be a practicing gay person and a Christian.”
Baldock’s ballsy approach to life is only equaled by her compassion toward the LGBT community and her love for Jesus. But it wasn’t always that way. She notes in her book, “I’m one of those nice people; I’m not mean-spirited. I wouldn’t intentionally harm another person, but my beliefs were the truth because they were based on verses directly from the Bible. I had a death-grip on the viewpoint that you can’t be a practicing gay person and a Christian.”
Her worldview began to unravel when her husband of 20 years decided he didn’t want to be married anymore. Baldock’s seemingly successful Christian family was crumbling in front of everyone. “To process my sorrow in healthy ways and to keep my mind and body productive,” she said, “I took up two new activities: studying Italian and hiking in the nearby mountains.” It was that second one, hiking, that was about to change everything.
“Netto was spared my Christian attempt to rid her of sin and get her right with God.”
On the trail, she frequently ran into a woman named Netto. “I soon suspected Netto might be a lesbian,” Baldock said. “At any other time in my Christian walk it would have been easy for me to tell her what she needed to do.” However, now with Baldock’s own life falling apart, she didn’t feel she could tell anyone anything. “Netto was spared my Christian attempt to rid her of sin and get her right with God,” Baldock said.
Over the next several years, through Netto, Baldock began making more friends in the gay community. Finally, confronted with those who identified as gay and Christian, Baldock decided to attend a Gay Christian Network Conference. “I was bewildered,” she said. “Undeniably, the Holy Spirit, who had been moving in my life for decades, was in the room and in the lives of these gay worshippers. As confused as I was, it felt as if we were in a holy place. The sacredness of the moment was completely overwhelming; I was deeply moved. I took off my shoes, slumped to the floor, and cried.”
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Baldock, 58, an engineer by trade, inquisitive by nature, and tenacious by birth, began to research her questions. What she found was a complex link between how women have been viewed over the centuries; changing religious views; the invention of evangelicalism; the influence of religious infusion into American politics in the 1970s; and the evolving view of sexuality, which only began in the late 1800s.
Not content with simple “Wikipedia” answers, Baldock went straight to the sources, contacting the history makers themselves whenever possible. “Beyond just wanting to know ‘how’ the lenses formed,” she said, “my personal faith drove me deeper. I wanted to find a way to help repair the damage and even rescue the Bible out of the midst of the rubble heap of discord.”
The contentious relationship the Church has with the LGBT community hasn’t been going on as long as one would think.
Baldock said her book, Walking the Bridgeless Canyon, “examines the lenses through which we, in particular, Christians, have come to view the LGBT community.” The contentious relationship the Church has with the LGBT community hasn’t been going on as long as one would think.
Baldock discovered that the term sodomite originated around the 12th centuries and applied to both men and women who engaged in non-procreative sex. Sex acts between men and boys, once seen as a normal part of culture, came to be seen as a perversion. It wasn’t until the late 19th century, with advancements in medicine and science, which challenged religious thinking, that people began to notice that some individuals were attracted to age-appropriate same sexes. Until then, there had been no distinction in sexual orientations.
Baldock points out that there were no fiery sermons about homosexuality coming from the pulpits in the early ‘70s. The first recorded sermon came from W.A. Criswell, considered the father of modern fundamentalism, who preached a sermon on homosexuality on September 21, 1980.
Criswell, and other fundamentalists, had been wooed to the polls through the carefully constructed efforts of a young Republican political strategist named Paul Weyrich. It was the 1960s when Weyrich began to conceptualize ways to bring in the largest untapped voting block in America: unregistered conservative fundamentalist Christians. A majority of these fundamentalists had not been involved with politics and lived in relative isolation as far back as the mid-1920’s.
There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs…
Not everyone was happy with the idea, according to Baldock. In fact, she quotes Barry Goldwater, in a 1981 speech to the U.S. Senate warning against Weyrich’s approach:
“On religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs…The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force government leaders into following their position 100 percent.”
Nevertheless, Weyrich sought out a moral issue about which these voters would care. He knew his fundamentalist and Reconstructionist base were motivated by fear and belief in the mandate from a holy and vengeful God to save America from moral decay and deconstruction. Homosexuality fit the bill.
Baldock carefully and meticulously leads her readers through historical events leading up to where we are today in the battle between the religious and political right, and the LGBT fight for equality. Her eye-opening book brings together the disparate pieces of past and recent history into a holistic picture of current attitudes and events. She lovingly, but firmly, challenges the attitudes and beliefs of Christians caught in the cultural crosshairs of misinformation.
In fact, Baldock was so moved by her convictions about the mistreatment of the LGBT community, that she released a straight apology video, now viewed nearly 8,000 times on YouTube, and from which many young people recognize her when she walks in pride parades. Baldock can be spotted wearing her “Hurt by church? Get a #str8apology here” t-shirt.
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After all, it’s not about her, it’s about repairing the breach that divides Christians and the gay community.
While Baldock’s ministry is based on personal engagement and conversation, she has little tolerance for Bible-thumping churchgoers who lack reason. If you claim to be a Christian and your plan of attack, like the Texas pastor, is an anonymous hit-
and-run approach, don’t be surprised when she shows up on your doorstep asking for an apology. After all, it’s not about her, it’s about repairing the breach that divides Christians and the gay community. That’s her passion and she’s more than happy to tell you herself.
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For more information on Kathy Baldock, her non-profit organization, or to have her speak at your church or event, go to Canyon Walker Connections. Order Walking the Bridgeless Canyon at Amazon.com
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Tim
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The post This is the Lady Your Pastor Warned You About appeared first on Tim Rymel.
