Tim Rymel's Blog, page 17

Finding Passion Without God

Tim Rymel, M.Ed.

The glorious sound of a gospel choir soaring across an auditorium was a transcendent experience every time I led worship, played the keyboards for a choir, or participated in a special production. For nearly 25 years music was as deep in my core as the need to breathe. But things had changed. Why I was …

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Is Blind Faith Spiritual?

Tim Rymel, M.Ed.

I came across a YouTube video last week where the speaker said that believing the promises in God’s Word rather than what you see happening around you will lead you to a “faith reality,” giving you peace in the midst of all of life’s storms. Against better judgment, in the comment’s section, I left a …

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Is God Punishing Me for Doubting Him?

Tim Rymel, M.Ed.

Doubting God’s existence is part of being human. While most of us blindly believed what we were taught, there were probably doubts in the backs of our minds when it came to unanswered prayers or disquieting thoughts. Nevertheless, we moved forward despite our feelings. When we face our doubts and start rationalizing beliefs with truth …

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What Makes Us Think Pastors Wouldn’t Sexually Assault Women?

Tim Rymel, M.Ed.

Facebook Twitter Google+ LinkedIn I was asked in a recent interview if I changed my theology so I could have gay sex. My answer was that I didn’t need to change my theology to have gay sex. I could have done it anytime I wanted, regardless of what I professed to believe. Let’s face it. …

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Rick Saccone Says Democrats Hate God

Tim Rymel, M.Ed.

Facebook Twitter Google+ LinkedIn Rick Saccone, in a desperate plea to his base before the special elections, said that Democrats have a hatred for the President, the country and God. I’ll give him the first one. On his last two points, however, Saccone seems to have misconstrued a difference of opinion and belief about the …

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Getting Over the Fear of Hell

Tim Rymel, M.Ed.

Facebook Twitter Google+ LinkedIn If I had to name one thing that people struggle with the most when leaving or rethinking their evangelical faith, it is the fear of being wrong and going to hell. Even years after leaving the church many still struggle with fears of demons dancing in their heads. As a father, …

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What Our Cats Teach Us About Trump’s Most Avid Supporters

Tim Rymel, M.Ed.

Facebook Twitter Google+ LinkedIn Russian Collusion. Affairs. Unhinged tweets. White Supremacist empathizer. Obvious lies. Is there anything to get Trump supporters to change their minds about their commander-in-chief? By the numbers, the United States has lost its standing in the global community. According to a Pew Research Poll of 40,000 citizens in 37 countries, 74% …

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Why I Stopped Teaching My Kids to Believe in God

Tim Rymel

This article first appeared in The Good Men Project.

Rather than tell my kids what or how to believe, I’d rather they do their own research and come to their own conclusions.

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My kids attended a private, conservative Christian school for nine and seven years, respectively. It was a commitment their mother and I made early on. Our oldest daughter was barely two months old when the Columbine massacre occurred on April 20, 1999. We wanted to make sure she was protected from such horrors. Though we couldn’t guarantee anything, we felt our kids were better off in a protected environment.

I grew up in a conservative Christian home on conservative Christian politics. As soon as I could vote, I voted for Ronald Reagan; the second time, right after I turned 18. I voted as a conservative until 2000, when I finally left the Republican Party because it became too liberal for me. So putting our kids in a conservative Christian school wasn’t a big leap for us.

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I worked with them to memorize their Scripture verses each week and always prayed for and with them before bed. I believed I was doing what was best for them, while reaffirming my own faith.

I proudly attended every school open house. I followed my daughters as they showed off pictures of Bible stories they created with colored construction paper, crayons and cotton. I worked with them to memorize their Scripture verses each week and always prayed for and with them before bed. I believed I was doing what was best for them, while reaffirming my own faith.

But as my kids grew older, I began to have serious doubts about what they were learning. My doubts had nothing to do with the school administrators’ indiscretions, or parental hypocrisy. People have free will. I get it. Quite frankly, I’d had mostly great experiences in church. I was actually getting less comfortable with the uniforms, the uniformity, and lack of allowable personal expression. The list of “do not’s” was getting longer as they got older than the list of “do’s”. Is that what I believed? Did I want them growing up being told what they couldn’t do?

One of the last straws came from an open house I attended. As we weaved through the desks I looked up to see Scripture verses dangling from the ceiling. John 15:10. “If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.” I couldn’t shake the word “if.” I wondered how they were processing all of this information or if it registered. Did they believe they had to do something to be loved? Were they getting the message that love was conditional?

As I walked out of the classroom that night, I grabbed my daughters by the shoulders. “I want you to know that God loves you no matter what,” I said.

As I walked out of the classroom that night, I grabbed my daughters by the shoulders. “I want you to know that God loves you no matter what,” I said. They looked a little confused. They didn’t know what prompted my statement and were too preoccupied by the crowd and excitement of the attention to ask.

We ended the year with a run in with the new dean. The parking lot was busy at the end of each school day with cars lined up around the school premises. Parents waited patiently for their kids to be released, driving by the designated curb and stopping so their children could get in. I thought of a clever bypass to the chaos. I parked at the end of the lot and had my children walk to me. It worked all year until the dean decided, unilaterally, that it was much too dangerous for a 13-year-old and her 11-year-old sister to walk through a string of parked cars.

When I confronted him, he told me this policy was in the school handbook. It was not. It never had been. That’s when I told him that if 13-year-olds are incapable of walking through a line of parked cars without getting hit, he and the school had much bigger problems than they could solve. With that, we exited the school for the last time.

With eighth grade over, my 13-year-old was ready to spread her wings and made it known she wanted to change schools. Her sister, a free spirit by nature, felt the same. I cried filling out the paperwork for public school. I was frightened by the “what if’s.” At the same time, I was excited by the possibilities and the plethora of new opportunities and programs our private school couldn’t afford. We were all growing up.

I was coming to the realization that I had spent most of my life in fear and that the unconditional love I believed in was actually very conditional.

I was coming to the realization that I had spent most of my life in fear and that the unconditional love I believed in was actually very conditional. I believed what I believed because I’d been taught it. I wasn’t given the option of figuring out whether or not it was true; I was only given the option of studying to confirm it was true. I began to see it very differently, particularly looking at it through my children’s eyes.

I came to realize that part of loving my children didn’t mean teaching them “the way of the Lord” carte blanche. It meant teaching them how to think, make rational decisions and search for truth on their own. I’d been feeding them information, just as their school had. I was producing uniformed Christian clones. That wasn’t working for me, and I was sure it wouldn’t work for them.

Truth, I’ve learned, is not elusive or exclusive when we sincerely search for it. Truth is much too large to be contained between the pages of a single book and, if God does exist, He, or She, or It does not tremble in fear, or go manically ballistic because humans act like humans. I certainly don’t see God needing to be involved in politics so He can take a better swipe at controlling behaviors.

I am done living in fear and I don’t want my children to live that way either. I want them to be everything they are supposed to be, whatever that is, even if it falls outside of “normal.” Perhaps especially if it falls outside of normal. Those people seem to be the ones who make the biggest differences in the world.

I want my children to be passionately in love with life and see all people as valuable, unconditionally lovable, equal, worthy, whole, complete, unique and deserving. I don’t want them to be bigoted, prejudice, hateful, exclusive, or fearful, which is what I see much of the evangelical world, of which I was a part, has become.

Rather than tell my kids what or how to believe, I’d rather they do their own research and come to their own conclusions. I’m not afraid of their questions; I’m not afraid of the answers they find. In fact, as I tell them, they can believe anything they want to believe as long as they can tell me how they came to their conclusions. And quite frankly, in my finite state of humanness, I’m not qualified to grasp the magnitude or explain the universe beyond my own experience with it. I bring a very small perspective. God, on the other hand, is big enough to take care of Himself.

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I love the deep conversations I have with my kids. I love watching them explore and question the world around them. I love the array of friends they have acquired; friends of different ethnicities, sexual orientations and religious beliefs. I love the open conversations we have about politics, sexuality and what they want out of life. I love that no topic is off limits and there is no shame in being human. I trust that their search for truth is with unfettered sincerity, respect for life and a belief that everyone, no matter what, deserves to be loved. I can think of no better explanation of God than that.

Photo – Flickr/Rob Ellis

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The South Is Rising Again! And it Needs to Stop.

Tim Rymel

This post first appeared in The Good Men Project.

Implementing still more laws that segregate and discriminate, Southern states showcase the worst of human fears and ignorance.

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In March of 2016, Georgia passed a law that allowed tax-funded organizations to deny services to same-sex and unmarried couples. HB 757 was intended to protect ministers from having to perform same-sex marriages – something that has always been protected in the country’s constitution – but then the senate took the bill even further.

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Think Kim Davis. Just don’t think about her four marriages. Ironically, she could have been a victim to this law if it had gone into effect a few years earlier.

Georgia’s senate decided that the bill should prohibit the government from taking action against anyone at a state-funded organization who holds a “sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction that marriage is or should be recognized as the union of one man and one woman or that sexual relations are properly reserved to such marriage.” Think Kim Davis. Just don’t think about her four marriages. Ironically, she could have been a victim to this law if it had gone into effect a few years earlier.

In spite of numerous businesses speaking out against the bill, with threats of moving out of Georgia all together, it passed. Fortunately, on March 28, Governor Nathan Deal vetoed the bill stating; “”I do not think we have to discriminate against anyone to protect the faith-based community in Georgia, of which I and my family have been a part for all of our lives.”

Not to be overshadowed by it’s neighbor, Mississippi passed a bill, which was signed into law on Tuesday, April 5, 2016, by Governor Phil Bryant. Like Georgia, this law allows businesses with “sincerely held religious beliefs” to refuse service to LGBT people, going a step further to state that gender is “determined by anatomy and genetics at time of birth.” The bill is called the “Protecting Freedom of Conscience from Government Discrimination Act.”

LGBT people can lose their jobs, housing, and be refused service for food, or even protection by public officials. Someone only needs to say their “sincere” religious beliefs won’t allow them to serve.

And North Carolina’s HB 2 was created out of a special session on March 23rd, then passed and signed by the governor on the same night. It repealed a new ordinance expanding LGBT protection passed in Charlotte on February 22nd. More than just removing those LGBT protections, it made the new state law the final word, which means the law cannot be expanded by cities or local governments to protect anyone outside of race, religion, national origin, color, age, biological sex and handicaps. LGBT people can lose their jobs, housing, and be refused service for food, or even protection by public officials. Someone only needs to say their “sincere” religious beliefs won’t allow them to serve. HB 2 goes further, also ensuring that the minimum wage does not go higher than the state’s $7.25 an hour.

South Carolina’s Senator Lee Bright mirrored the HB 2 bill, minus the economic restrictions, just this week, targeting transgender students. It states, “Local school boards shall require every multiple occupancy bathroom or changing facility that is designated for student use to be designated for and used only by students based on their biological sex.”

Senator Bright told WYFF news, “I’ve about had enough of this. I mean, years ago we kept talking about tolerance, tolerance and tolerance. And now they want men who claim to be women to be able to go into bathrooms with children. And you got corporations who say this is OK.”

Just for clarity’s sake, while there are no recorded incidences of children being attacked by a transgender person, laws typically don’t prohibit attackers from attacking.

If all of this sounds vaguely familiar to anyone with any knowledge of Southern history and the civil rights movement, that’s because it is. Historian Jason Sokol, noted in his essay, White Southerners’ Reactions to the Civil Rights Movement, “The ‘Southern way of life’ encompassed a distinctive mix of economic, social, and cultural practices… It also contained implications about the region’s racial order — one in which whites wielded power and blacks accommodated.”

“…white Southerners produced and absorbed cruel stereotypes about African Americans: that they were unclean and shiftless, unintelligent and oversexed. Blacks became either clowns or savages, with no area in between.”

Blacks were demeaned and dehumanized, Sokol says. “…white Southerners produced and absorbed cruel stereotypes about African Americans: that they were unclean and shiftless, unintelligent and oversexed. Blacks became either clowns or savages, with no area in between.”

There are two issues at work here: 1) A challenge to the social norm and 2) a lack of education. The consequent reaction is fear and retaliation, just as it was during the civil rights movement. In fact, in Florida, just last week, the Department of Children and Families removed LGBTQ-inclusive language from its rules. The sentiment expressed through this move is the same as Senator Bright when he said, “I’ve had about enough of this.” Unfortunately, according to Lambda Legal Senior Attorney, Currey Cook, about 20% of kids in foster care are LGBTQ, which leaves the most vulnerable children unprotected at a time when they need it the most.

Most of us get uneasy when our way of life feels challenged. Today people can barely have a political conversation without becoming defensive. Introduce protections for a class of people deemed “unclean, shiftless and oversexed,” and you have the makings of a rebellion. Throw in the fear mongering of religious and conservative news organizations and you have the makings of another civil war.

The lack of accessible education many people have in some of the more economically challenged areas exacerbates the problem. For example, Mississippi is second to last for the lowest high school graduation rates in the United States. Not surprisingly, Mississippi is also the poorest state in the nation.

When people are not exposed to ideas and experiences outside of their own, they create emotional and intellectual walls of “security,” or defense mechanisms to keep themselves mentally safe.

Most of the college freshmen I’ve taught find it difficult to critically think outside of their narrow worldviews. Asking them “why” easily creates a deer-in-the-headlights reaction. They are prepared to spit back information they’ve learned, but not equipped to explain reasoning behind their gut instincts. When people are not exposed to ideas and experiences outside of their own, they create emotional and intellectual walls of “security,” or defense mechanisms to keep themselves mentally safe.

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All of that said, I grew up in California after the civil rights era. My parents came from Southern roots and have little education beyond high school. Sometimes I heard racial slurs in my home, and I remember my father often shaking his head in disbelief at people or things he didn’t understand. He had strong feelings against interracial dating at the time. My grandmother, who didn’t have a mean bone in her body, usually referred to black people by the n-word. Never with malice. It was just how she grew up in poor, rural Missouri in the early 1900s. We were a Christian family who believed in the literal translation of the Scriptures.

Yet, no matter what was said or thought at home, I was taught to treat people with decency and kindness. As I grew older, Grandma changed the n-word to “negro,” or “colored,” and my father let go of his prejudices, usually defusing differences with his quick wit. One thing I appreciate about my family is their willingness to learn and grow.

It’s easy to get sucked into the political divisions we’re confronted with day after day. Creating controversy and stirring the pot is how media networks make money. At the end of the day, however, we’re all humans with the same need for love, security and belonging, irrespective of race, creed, sexual orientation, or even gender identity. We don’t have to agree with each other, or even understand, to support each other. It’s a matter of simple human decency.

As Rabbi Mark Sobel wrote in his church newsletter:

“First they came for the Socialists and I did not speak out,

Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists and I did not speak out,

Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out,

Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak for me.”

Photo – unknown

Tim

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“Gay Men Are Full of Disease”

Tim Rymel

This article first appeared on The Good Men Project.

Internet trolls and religious zealots are alive and well, full of prejudice, ignorance, and discrimination, proving there is more work to do.

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I’ve gotten in the habit of checking the email on my phone when I get out of bed in the morning. As my eyes struggle to focus, I try and get a quick run down of what happened during the night while I slept. Once in a while, as I did recently, I see something like this: “Gay Men Are Full of Disease, Sexually Transmitted Diseases, Infection, HIV and Parasites.”

I usually scroll right past those messages to see if there is anything important in my mailbox. Most of the time there is not. I’m not even sure why I check my email first thing in the morning. It’s a habit I probably should break.

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While these emails don’t tell me anything new – I almost ALWAYS know where their “research” comes from – I’m more curious about the people who send them. I wonder what they would be like if we were not separated by virtual walls. I wonder what they hoped their emails would accomplish. I wonder if they are desperately running from their own demons, as some research suggest. On the occasions I’ve contacted them to ask, I’ve never gotten an answer. Only more Bible verses, “warnings,” and justification for their sociopathic behavior.

Not surprisingly, I usually receive these kinds of toxic messages from anonymous senders. In this case, “ProlifeDisciple” stated, “My email address highlights my faith & position in life-affirming ministries.  My position & faith remain constant regardless if my name is Mary Smith or Jane Doe.”

“I’m too much of a coward to have an actual conversation with you and I’m not convinced enough in my own position to discuss it, so I’ll just throw information at you that supports only my side of the argument.”

In other words, “I’m too much of a coward to have an actual conversation with you and I’m not convinced enough in my own position to discuss it, so I’ll just throw information at you that supports only my side of the argument.”

Other than clogging up my already cluttered email box, these emails don’t bother me. What bothers me more is that there are people in the world who still think like this, in spite of decades of research that tells us differently, or who only read information that supports their position.

Following World War II, there was something called “scientific racism,” which supported the idea that racial differences in IQ were in our genes. Naturally, it was believed, people of color were on the lower end of the spectrum. People believed this for years with ideas supported by part of the scientific community.

Science has come a long way these days by creating new methods of research to eliminate as much bias as possible and including larger sample sizes. Science also, of course, adjusts as new information becomes available. Religious beliefs, on which these emails are based, do not.

Contrary to their intended purposes, these messages let me know there is more work to do. The consequences of such thinking can be detrimental to the more vulnerable members of our society.

Contrary to their intended purposes, these messages let me know there is more work to do. The consequences of such thinking can be detrimental to the more vulnerable members of our society.

For example, according to research, 20-40% of homeless youth are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender, and one study showed that 26% of youth were kicked out of their homes by their parents when they came out. For those kids who end up in foster care, they are more likely to be moved around than non-LGBT kids. In a 2002 study, as reported by the HRC, LGBT kids were placed in, on average, 6.35 foster homes, compared to the overall average of 3 homes.

According to Dr. Michael Friedman, 85% of LGBT youth report being bullied in school, with 40% stating they are physically bullied and 19% stating they were physically assaulted. The U.S. Department of health says that because LGBT youth live in a society that discriminates and stigmatizes them, they are more vulnerable to mental health issues, such as loneliness and depression.

Gay marriage aside, there are still 29 states where someone can be fired for being LGBT.

Gay marriage aside, there are still 29 states where someone can be fired for being LGBT. The U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development reports more than 15% of same-sex couples were less likely to get favorable responses back on inquiries about housing than their straight counterparts.

Columbia Law School’s Center for Gender and Sexuality reported that 75% of LGBT people who have an encounter with the police face some form of verbal, physical or sexual harassment.

It’s no wonder that some LGBT people struggle with self-esteem and acceptance, which can lead people – all people – to do all kinds of crazy things. This includes sex, drugs, and other risky behaviors. Where there is acceptance and education, however, there is a decrease in infection. Where education isn’t available and sexuality is oppressed, there are higher rates of STD’s and pregnancies. The highest rates of STD infection, for example, is found in the Bible belt, as is the highest number of teen pregnancies. The Bible belt also hosts the largest number of evangelical Christians, and the highest poverty and crime rates.

So let’s talk about those gay men “full of disease.” Most of the gay men I know are not HIV positive, nor do they have STD’s. They are typically family men, and many of them are people of faith. Most of them are in long-term, monogamous relationships.

The Christian right tends to use HIV, as they have since the 1980s, as a talking point that AIDS is God’s judgment against gay people, often citing Romans 1:27b, “Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.”

The Christian right tends to use HIV, as they have since the 1980s, as a talking point that AIDS is God’s judgment against gay people, often citing Romans 1:27b, “Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.” HIV, however, did not originate with sex, it originated through meat infected with the disease, which humans ate.

In the United States, according to the CDC, 28% of projected infections of HIV are heterosexual men and women. Gay and bisexual men, and MSM’s (men who have sex with men, but do not self-identify with a homosexual orientation), have a higher risk. Blacks, however, are at greatest risk, representing around 12% of the U.S. population, they accounted for 44% of HIV infections in 2010 and 41% of people living with HIV in 2011. Hispanics and Latinos accounted for 21% of people living with HIV in 2010. They are 2.9 times more likely to contract HIV than white men and Latinas are 4.2 times more likely to contract HIV than white women. Education is more readily available in more affluent cultures.

Contrast these numbers to Swaziland, Africa, where nearly 28% of the population is infected with HIV, with women at the highest risk.

Homosexuality has been around since the dawn of man, sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV, have not. Also, anal sex is not a practice of all gay men, but is practiced by a significant portion of heterosexual couples. Promiscuity among gay men isn’t because they are gay; it’s because they are human.

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But here’s the main problem with my email friend. These are the people who permeate many conservative churches where homosexuality is just as prevalent inside the church as it is on the outside. For 25 years, I was on the inside lying about my sexual orientation. I, too, was taught that gay men were filthy, disgusting and sinful. I believed that homosexuality was only about sex and depravity. I learned to live in intense shame, believing there was something inherently wrong with me, something with which I struggle to this day. I attempted suicide to do away with the atrocity that was my existence. I involved myself with years of conversion therapy only to throw away a significant portion of my life, appeasing an ideology that wasn’t true in the first place.

My “sin” was living a lie and pretending to be someone I wasn’t. My redemption came when I owned my story, started living authentically, and separated fact from fiction. Gay men aren’t full of disease. People who spread a toxic message of hatred and fear in the name of God are.

Photo: Getty Images

Tim

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