Pamela Reynolds's Blog, page 40

I heard today from a young friend that her parents were g...

I heard today from a young friend that her parents were getting a divorce. They had been married over 25 yrs. My friend is married yet so very hurt and yes traumatized. It might seem crazy but divorce hurts the children regardless of age. It brings it back to relationships and understanding. At times, we just don't understand an other's motives, words or actions. Many times we jump to conclusions that are not true. As a DIL I remember times when I felt the  cold shoulder from my MIL and I would think hard about what I might have done to cause it. Now that I am a MIL I wonder why my DIL's might be quiet. I sat down one day and laughed because it occurred to me that maybe they had just had a fight and their attitudes had nothing to do with me. We assume everything is about us. but if we reflect enough we realize that the world is not revolving around any of us. others are not pondering what we do or say. We should not take attitude to heart. It might be coming from so many places and our MIL and DIL relationship does not need this pressure. Believing we are on safe ground with our in-law allows us the freedom to relax and trust in the relationship. Entertaining thoughts of doubt breeds suspicion and doubt. If everything we say and do is never ever done with any malice or revenge, then we are secure in an honest trustworthy situation. Let the awkward moods pass unnoticed. We all have bad days.

Any relationship, whether we are talking marriage partner...

Any relationship, whether we are talking marriage partners siblings parents or in-laws, requires patience, humor, and respect. The best of relationships have their share of bumps and snags. If we believe it is worth the effort we struggle through enduring a few pains along the way. The problem with the MIL DIL relationship is that sometimes a MIL or DIL doesn't recognize the importance of their connections. Mothers are universal. Raising children is universal. We all have those commom bonds. The husband/son is loved by both women. It's worth the effort to find a peaceful co-existence. The final result may often be that we actually like this person and enjoy this person. MIL and DIL may end up supporting and helping each other. That is really what life is all about. It is realizing we are in this together and any assistance we get is appreciated. Love makes one feel happy and comforted. Hate makes one anxious and angry. Indifference makes one lifeless and without stamina. Give love a chance to thrive and grow. "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King

Never use love as a tool of manipulation. A&nbs...

Never use love as a tool of manipulation. A young man willing to please his  wife may unwittingly hurt his  mother. The same young man who has always consulted and trusted his mother's input may incense his wife who perceives his decision as disloyal to her. Again MIL needs to back off and DIL need to chill. There needn't  be jealousy between these two  important people. Both have a permanent place in his heart. One is a part of his past family and the other a part of his present family. Both can be a part of the future family. "Does your self- esteem ever drag? Remember what you are worth." Max Lucado

Universal Dilemmas

When viewing an issue from another perspective, we are given the opportunity to assimilate that viewpoint, and accomodate it through the eyes of our own experience. Each individual's circumstance is distinct. Each situation is likely to be distinct in certain circumstances, yet universal in other respects. More reflection leads to questioning assumptions.
"Real education should educate us out of  self,  into something far finer; into a selflessness which links us with all humanity." Nancy Astor

Beginning strategies

Strategies for handling the man in the middle begin with recognizing the controversy that manifests from this unintentionally significant relationship. It manifests in jokes smiles laughs ridicules and anger. There is no magic star dust or simple answers to this dilemma. But women can find an emotiona equilibrium in their lives so that they both might be able to share the man they both love. When I first became a dil, I resented the constant attacks on my nursing abilities. "The baby is not getting enough food." was spoken to me a thousand times because my mil never nursed. It was frustrating. When I became a mil, I was sad that my dils, never asked for any advice. Being in a different seat in the car has given me an all  around perspective. "He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass." Lord Herbert