Lynne M. Spreen's Blog, page 20

Beyonce’, Existentialist

Just one more: Beyonce’ reflects on life, fame and privacy, individualism, feminism, love, and just about everything. It’s very well done. I hope you enjoy it. And now I will leave you alone until next Friday.

Endless Love by Leonard Cohen

I’ve always loved Leonard Cohen’s voice and music. This tribute to love is beautiful and poignant.

What Drives You, Angelina?

We often discuss the idea of purpose, particularly after midlife, because that’s a time for new directions. The theory is, you’ve done the required stuff in the first half of your life. Now, hopefully, you have more choices. What direction now? Will you start a new business, volunteer, or enjoy some well-earned rest? The answer depends on what drives you.

I’m driven by a love of writing, and a desire to share my perspective on positive aging. A friend is driven by a passion to help others, and she spends so much time running a community pantry (as a volunteer) that she traded in her sedan for an SUV that would haul neighborhood donations. Another friend volunteers on so many boards she’s about to have a nervous breakdown. One friend golfs four days a week! She is living fully, according to her own definitions, and is happy. We are all driven by different experiences over our lifetimes, and different needs.

Even though Angelina Jolie is a bit young to be featured in AnyShinyThing, she fascinates me as to purpose. This woman could do anything or nothing. She’s famous, rich, married to Brad Pitt, and has lots of kids to keep her busy. So what’s she up to, in her “spare” time?

Jolie is a special envoy of the United Nations high commissioner for refugees (UNHCR). My old job, as Bill Maher would say. Her job is to expand the advocacy campaign of the UNHCR and engage in high-level mediation in complex emergency situations. She travels constantly to war-torn places in the world, to help and observe displaced populations. She has gone on more than 50 missions to refugee camps, and “traverses the same perilous dirt roads that relief workers and doctors and foreign correspondents do. In these settings, there are no red carpets, no Donatella Versace gowns.” (I’m quoting Janine Di Giovanni, the war correspondent who profiled Jolie for the December issue of Vanity Fair magazine.)

According to the article, “…she has no real diva side. She often arrives at meetings early and sits quietly, waiting with a book or notes. There’s no entourage. She packs lightly and often travels with one bag — a valuable lesson from working for humanitarian organizations and having to jump in and out of helicopters in remote locales. She is unfailingly polite and is loath to complain about being tired or feeling sick.” Jolie traveled to The Democratic Republic of Congo in 2013, shortly after her double mastectomy. “If she was in pain, you never knew it,” says a colleague who was there.

Why is she so driven? I wish I could ask her. For whatever reason, this is what Angelina Jolie feels compelled to do, and if she, or I, or you, can’t explain our motives, it’s okay. The point is to live to your limits, regardless of age, gender, or life circumstance. Whether you’re stretching your mind or body, go at it with everything you have, with the greatest appreciation, gratitude, and utilization.

You only get one life. At the end, you can die happily, knowing you didn’t squander the gift.

Is It Hard for You to Say “No”?

Are you over-committed? Do you feel as if you’re stretched too thin, and you hate yourself for not having the guts to say no?

As a person who is almost pathologically responsible – a textbook reaction to growing up with domestic abuse – I think I have a harder time saying no than “normal” women. But recently I’ve been more careful, and practicing saying no, and thinking about it a lot, and I realized this shocking truth:

I feel like I’m going to get in trouble if I say no.

By whom? What kind of trouble? How could that possibly happen? Hell if I know. It’s just a general feeling of gloom, or guilt. Very uncomfortable. It’s probably a logical reaction to how we are raised: to be good girls (or boys). As you mature, you should be able to make the choice without it being so fraught. Think of how great that would feel. As if you had the sole authority to decide what you will and won’t do.

The last time this came up and I was (over)thinking about it, I got this weirdly empowering vision:

I imagined Anna Wintour, famously frosty editor in chief of Vogue, making a decision. She’d say to her assistant: “Tell them no. Next item.” And that would be that. The assistant would scamper out of the room, and Ms. Wintour would return to her work without further thought, worry, second-guessing or hand-wringing.

How empowering it would be to keep that mental picture in our heads – our Inner Anna.

As a result of this fabulous moment of clarity, I came up with a mental checklist for being able to say no.

Do I have a concrete obligation to say yes? I.e. did I promise something previously?
If I’ve led the person on, can I ethically get out of it now?
Is it essential to my family, my health, my career, my personal development, or world peace, to say yes?
Remember to be positive and kind when saying no.

Here are some thoughts to bolster your courage under fire:

Say this: Whose choice is it? Whose life is it? Imagine being able to always say no whenever you want to.
Envision Anna dealing with the issue. Caveat: See #4 above.
Remind yourself that you are old enough to benefit from your experience. You’re not a weak little kid, unsure of yourself or the way the world works. When you answer questions 1-3 above, you won’t be guessing. You will know.

I hope this is helpful.

 

An Empowering View of Your Existence

I know it’s not Friday, but my friend Steve just shared this with me and I wanted to share it with you. It’s fantastic. Gave me a lot to think about, and a gift: a new way of viewing our lives. See you tomorrow.

Thanks! and a Goodie for You

You’re probably counting your blessings right now. So am I, and you are at the top of my list. I’m grateful that we can talk together about issues of concern, and share each other’s journey. I’m grateful for your comments and thoughts, and for your support when I get sad or whiny. (Did you ever notice if you change one letter, it’s AnyWhinyThing?)

If you enjoy Ellen Degeneres as much as I do, you’ll want to bookmark this website. It’s EllenTube, “the place for hilarious and family friendly videos, from Ellen and her friends.” I might even substitute that for the morning paper.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends!

She’s Cool with Aging: Julianne Moore

You might be interested to know there is more to this woman than a beautiful face. She’s got a brain, too. And a healthy dose of attitude. In a recent interview in More Magazine, JM revealed that she is aging thoughtfully and with confidence. For one thing, she is moving away from acting in dark movies. “I used to think, ‘Life’s really challenging. Things are tough, so they should be tough in a book, in a movie. They should be sad.’ But the older I get, the more I like happy endings.”

So she has decided to forego negativity, to a certain extent, because – hello – it’s not necessarily productive. At our age, we’ve dealt with a lot of pain in our lives. So why torture yourself with depressing novels, stories, and movies? I don’t mean stick your head in the sand, but be mindful of what you expose yourself to.

For that reason, Bill and I have decided to stop watching the news. We were fast-forwarding more and more. A story would come up about a dog biting off the ear of a 1-year-old, and I’d speed past it. Then a drunk driver plowing into another car, killing the whole family. I swear to God, I used to shout at the TV, “Why the hell do I need to know this?” and I’d hit fast forward, foaming at the mouth. Stupid, gratuitous, heartbreaking “news.” One night I realized we were basically just watching the weather. Like I can’t just tap my smart phone for that tidbit. And I can read about current events on my computer.

Julianne also said, “When you’re starting out in this business, you feel like you’re not in charge, that you’re still looking to the world for a kind of validation. But as you get older, you realize that direction comes from yourself, from your own desires and responsibilities. You choose your work. You choose your life. That’s where your power comes from-and that’s a great feeling.”

She seems to have a sense of humor, and when asked to complete the More questionnaire, she gave these somewhat testy responses.

What is more important to you today than 20 years ago? – Being alive.
What’s more terrifying than failure? – Broken bones.
More women seek to age gracefully. What’s your advice? – What’s the alternative? To not age?

I think she’s cool with whatever time is going to do with her face and body. If Hollywood’s obsession with taut skin and perky boobs ends up sinking Julianne’s career, she’ll shrug and do something else. No big deal. As Bill Maher said in the video, “You’re beautiful when you’re young and you’re wise when you’re old. Duh. Get over it.”

Have a great Thanksgiving.

Review of Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


Overall, I enjoyed Outlander, but it has some failings. First, the good: intriguing premise, likeable and strong main characters; the rest of the characters are well-drawn; good settings; good action; and it's a thoughtful book, especially at the end where Claire gets kind of existential with the monk at the Abbey. I liked that.

The bad: a laborious slow start. Also, this book is 200 pages too long. Where I'd cut: the endless descriptions of Jamie's childhood (he almost gets more airtime than Claire); the gratuitous description of Jamie's abuse at the hands of Randall (who is the main character, again?); and the repetitious "somebody has been captured, we must find and rescue!" storyline.

Also, there is little about Claire grieving over the loss of her 20th-century life. Does she miss tea, newspapers, movies, telephones, grocery stores, umbrellas, a good warm coat, paved roads, heaters, and OMG hot baths? Sanitary products? Refrigerators? Flush toilets?

And for all that, 650 pages later, the ending left me sort of underwhelmed. I don't care for books that end with a sequel hook. In its favor, once I got past the tedious beginning, I couldn't have walked away from this book, and I may even read the second one in the series to see if the pacing improves. Not sure I would recommend it, though. Life is short and at 650 pages, Outlander is as long as 2 or 3 books.




View all my reviews

Outgrowing Your Self-Improvement Obsession

I was killing time in the San Antonio airport on Monday and I bought a book called The Happiness Project. I wish I hadn’t.

The book is subtitled “Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun.” It’s by Gretchen Rubin, a well-intentioned young woman who’s afraid she’s not appreciating her wonderful life enough. So she embarks on a yearlong quest to become a better person by making up all these lists, rules, and whatnot, like her Twelve Commandments, and her Secrets of Adulthood. She also makes twelve resolutions, one per month, that she will obey over the course of a year. Here’s a sample:

January: “Boost Energy” – subtitle “Vitality” – during which time she will: Go to sleep earlier. Exercise better. Toss, restore, organize. Tackle a nagging task. Act more energetic.
February: “Remember Love” – subtitle “Marriage.” Action plan: Quit nagging. Don’t expect praise or appreciation. Fight right. No dumping. Give proofs of love.
March: “Aim Higher” – subtitle “Work“- includes these action items: Launch a blog. Enjoy the fun of failure. Ask for help. Work smart. Enjoy now.

I only got partly through the first chapter. I mean, I’m a nut for self-improvement, but this is something else. Something darker. For example, in the introduction, Rubin mentions wanting to “perfect my character.”

Yet even before setting out on this quest, Rubin accomplished the following (and she is only in her late forties):

She is a former lawyer who clerked for Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.
She married the son of former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin.
She has two young daughters.
She has already written four books.

I guess if she draws up enough goals and objectives, rules, standards and measurements, and then works even harder than she already does every day, after a year she’ll feel more adequate happier. But in my opinion, she exemplifies the collective neurosis of modern-day women, who try so hard to be perfect overachievers. The Happiness Project is like a compilation of the headlines of every insecurity-inducing women’s magazine you’ve ever seen on the newsstands, and the chronicle of one woman’s efforts to bend herself into compliance.

And it’s a flippin’ New York Times Bestselling Book. Obviously, a lot of people are hungry for this message. (I wonder if anybody bought it with the intention of gifting it to a spouse. “Honey, d’ ya think you should maybe do the dishes by hand? Better for the environment, you know.”)

Well, whatever floats their boat. Me, I’m too old for that shit. At sixty, I don’t need to organize my closets to perfect my character. As Popeye said, “I yam what I yam.” Take it or leave it.

Oh, I was young once too, and susceptible to this anxiety. Here’s the evidence: I have thirty-plus years of journals in my garage. One day I thought I’d peruse them for all the delightful memories they no doubt contained. I thought I would read about my son’s growth and development, my wedding(s), vacations, accomplishments, friendships, and maybe even current events. Instead, I found pages and pages – months and years’ worth – of diatribes about how I was going to start a diet, get more sleep, exercise more, read more fiction, meditate, be a better mother/wife/employee…

The overall theme of those journals was that I thought if I only tried harder, I’d be happier. Now I realize the opposite was true: that if I could relax and accept myself, inadequate struggling human that I was, I would enjoy my life more.

See, around the time I turned forty-five, I realized I would never be perfect. It was humbling, but I also accepted that nobody else was, either. I now know that, while self-improvement is a wonderful goal, self-acceptance is pretty cool, too. This is a gift of maturity: that you know this now.

So I say to young Ms. Rubin, next time you feel like questing toward self-perfection, maybe just have another spoonful of cookie dough and hit the couch for a couple episodes of Real Housewives. Because you’re perfect just as you are.

Are You Downsizing Your Holidays?

“Mom’s House” by mattbeccemjay

You’ve dragged in the boxes of Christmas decorations from the garage, attic, basement, or storage unit how many times now? You’ve hiked around tree lots or unfurled the fake tree for how many years? Maybe it’s time for a change.

You may love the holiday hustle, but I’m getting lazier in that respect. I like decorating for the holidays, but I don’t want to go to as much trouble anymore.

Which brings up a side issue: have you noticed how useful it is to be able to say, “I’m too old to…” or “I’ve been doing that for so many years…” or “At my age, I don’t have to…” If you haven’t yet played the OPC (Old Person Card), I recommend it. Don’t be afraid to let your freak flag fly. It’s handy at times, if you’re not too proud to use it.

But I digress.

We graduated to a fake Christmas tree about ten years ago. Last year, I pulled it out of storage and it was so raggedy I tossed it. Bill and I decided not to replace it. We were giddy with our new freedom! Could we really have a house with no Christmas tree? Then we saw a logical reason: it would be smart to make that change before the grandbabies get old enough to expect one or feel sad about its absence.

So we strung lights on the patio, arranged holiday centerpieces on tables, and hung a wreath over the fireplace. It looked beautiful and was a lot easier to set up and put away. We even had Christmas dinner for eight, not counting the babies. Everybody had fun and nobody complained about the lack of a tree.

This year, I’m going to see if the Christmas tree lot has boughs they’ll sell or give me, and I plan to array them on my dining and coffee tables, decorated by ornaments. If they don’t have a big enough pine fragrance, I can always count on my candles. The most fragrant pine scent I’ve found is Frasier Fir by Thymes. Instead of smelling like Pine Sol, the candles have a nice undertone of cedar and sandalwood. It’s really rich. I love it. (Note to marketers: please don’t ask. I don’t do ads.)

So I’m turning into a holiday minimalist. I’m not a Scrooge. I’m just too old to go to a lot of trouble.

How about you? Have you changed the way you deal with the holiday season, now that, as an adult, you’ve enjoyed fifty or sixty of them?