Lynne M. Spreen's Blog, page 18

Becoming Hopeful

Paula Davis-Laack, JD, MAPP, and
Author of “10 Things Happy People Do Differently.”

Getting older can take a toll on hopefulness. By now, we’re no strangers to pain and suffering. Sometimes it’s a challenge to remain upbeat, but it can be done.

According to Paula Davis-Laack, hopeful people share four core beliefs:

1. the future will be better

2. they have (some) power to affect their futures

3. there are many paths to their goals

4. they believe in their ability to overcome obstacles.

What if you don’t believe any or all of those things? You can change. There’s science behind the strategy of fake it til you make it. Personally, I went from being pathologically shy to a gregarious public speaker; a person can change by acting as if she believes. And the change can be more far-reaching than you’d expect.

It’s highlighted and dogeared like you wouldn’t believe.

According to Dr. Daniel G. Amen, a clinical neuroscientist who wrote Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, it’s possible to change your brain such that your future generations’ brains will be affected. I recommend his book, but in the meantime, here’s a list of Dr. Amen’s 100 Do’s and Don’ts for optimal brain function and health.

One of the pleasures of my older age is developing the ability to control my thought patterns and moods. Have you discovered this too?

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Mom, 89, is Matriarch

Rahm Emmanuel said, “Never let a crisis go to waste.” When Mom fell and broke her femur three years ago, the hellish aftermath required that she sell her house and move. Although I worried about being blamed if she ended up unhappy, I lured her to my neighborhood, hoping proximity to grands and great-grands would perk her up. It took a few cranky, difficult years for her to settle in, but now she’s happy most of the time, in spite of nagging discomfort from the injury.

Last weekend, Mom drove over to visit with my grandkids. I was surprised at how long she stayed, considering it was crazy, and she found herself commandeered to work. At one point she was helping the two-year-old use a baby scissors, and I was on the other side of the room, reading to the four-year-old.

At lunch, we had hamburgers around the dining room table. When the 2-yr-old was done, Mom wiped a smudge of catsup from his precious face. Then she wiped both of his little starfish hands, and impulsively kissed one. He giggled.

Later, Mom was helping Big Sister at the kitchen table with Play Doh, while I helped the Little Guy with crayons and stickers. Both kids got one-on-one attention, and I like to think they’ll remember these happy times.

Mom has become the matriarch of our family.

At 89, Mom is filling the role of Matriarch. When the babies are around, she visits and helps, throwing herself completely into the work. Besides her role as greatgrandmother, though, her role has even expanded with the adults. She has become a mother figure to my sixty-something cousins who’ve lost their parents. When Bill’s sister died suddenly, Mom came over and comforted him.

Mom exemplifies what psychoanalyst Erik Erikson called generativity, a necessary stage for healthy adult development. Generativity refers to the concern for establishing and guiding the next generation. It is said to stem from a sense of optimism about humanity.

Sometimes she gets sad, thinking about her own mother who remained in North Dakota while most of her brood moved away. Every few years there’d be a rendezvous at Grandma U’s little house in Dickinson. It would fill with mothers and kids. Grandma U., who lost her hearing in old age and spoke only German, still managed to convey unlimited joy and love.

How hard it was for Mom to leave her mother at the end of those visits, knowing that for the next year or two, communication – in those days before Internet – would be severely limited. Grandma U. died years ago, at the age of 82. Now her daughter, my mom, is almost 90, and enjoying every chance to wipe a little face, or kiss a tiny hand.

 

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I Hate Online Ads

Can you believe how aggressive online ads are getting? The Washington Post has to be one of the worst, or maybe the Huffington Post. Right when you think your page has finished jumping around and reloading (to accommodate all their stupid ads), the page starts jumping around again. It’s getting really bad, with nonstop video ads that you can’t even find to X out of. And even if you stop one, another one starts. It’s digital Whack-a-Mole.

More and more lately, I just click off.

I was trying to read this article about how J.Crew, the clothing retailer, is sucking wind because they haven’t yet figured out that all women customers aren’t prepubescent zero-body-fat clotheshangers, but I got discouraged.

Maybe you’re thinking a paid subscription would protect you. You would be wrong.

I subscribe to the New York Times and Los Angeles Times and they’re almost as bad. If it gets any worse, I’ll cancel my subscriptions. I still read an actual paper paper every morning and I can live with that. My local paper, the Riverside County Press Enterprise, is for the most part doing a good job. And I can always use the editorial page to pick up dog droppings.

I know, it’s high-class worries, right? Guilty. But still.

Re the J. Crew article, I hit the mute button and read the article. Enjoyed it. Even shared it on Twitter. And in my tweet, I added this in all caps: MUTE TO THWART ADS. I totally recommend you do the same. Pretty soon, it’ll be standard practice to surf the internet with the sound off. Maybe everybody already is and I’m the last to figure it out. True with you?

The Woman Genius Who Corrected Sir Isaac Newton

Emilie du Chatelet, math genius

Emilie du Chatelet is the smartest woman you never heard of, but in honor of Women’s History Month, I want to share her with you. Not only was she a fun-loving, sexy beauty, she was a mathematical genius.

Born in 1706 to an aristocratic family, her father respected her intellect enough to allow her to be tutored by some of the best minds in the world. While she was thinking about math, she discovered an error in a critical theory of Sir Isaac Newton’s. But I’ll get to that later.

First, here’s a 2-minute clip that’ll give you an sense of her mind. It’s kind of a silly production, but there isn’t much about the girl on YouTube. (Big surprise.)

It only took 100 years for the scientific community to accept Emilie’s correction of Sir Isaac Newton’s theory of the speed of mass.

Just in time for Albert Einstein, who was influenced by her findings.

But of course, you knew that. Everybody learned about EDC in grade school, right?

I first learned about her in a PBS documentary about Einstein. Here is the link to the video in its entirety. It’s very enjoyable; very well done. Du Chatelet is introduced at the 55 minute mark, but her story really takes off between the 1-hour and 1:08 space. It’s a lovely piece, and I encourage you to watch it, but be warned. It will infuriate you, to know that you’ve never heard of her.

Or any of these other groundbreaking female mathematicians.

There’s a big push these days to encourage our little girls to stick with STEM (science, technology, engineering and math) education if they show an interest. As you know, this is because typically, girls lose interest in these subjects at about the age of puberty. There’s significant data to indicate that the reason for this decline is cultural (it’s not a universal gender-related trait.)

Maybe part of the reason our little girls don’t stick with STEM is because they’re not taught about women like Du Chatelet and the others. There are no models to follow. Well, actually, there are. We just need to find and share them. As in the above.

Happy Women’s History Month, my friends. It’s perfectly okay to gloat.

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Spring Cleaning For Real This Time

It’s that time of year you want to throw open your closet doors and clear the sucker out. Get rid of the old crap and see the back wall for once. Only problem is, eventually, you’ll probably refill it, right?

I just read a book on the “new minimalists,” guys who’ve discovered less is more, etc. They emptied out their closets, so to speak, both literally and metaphorically, and they’re never filling them up again. They claim this will make them happier and more creative, but they’re barely thirty, so I’ll wait for the ten-year update. (The book, Everything That Remains, was pretty good. I reviewed it here.)

After I finished it, I went and cleaned out my closet, getting rid of about 20% of the stuff that I feel guilty about never wearing. Along with my new mission to go silver, I’m going to dress more simply, too.

While I was cleaning and fussing, I came up with a solution for an admittedly very small problem. But still, it’s pretty clever, so I share it with you here. Because I never want you to leave empty-handed.

Do you ever wonder what to do with leftover soap bars, when they’re too small to use but too nice to pitch?

You know how it goes. They’re more of a pain than anything else, but still smell like that time you went to the beach with your sweetie and there was this cute gift shop where you bought them? Well, you don’t have to throw that skinny thing away.

Just bag it, using one of those little cloth bags they gave you the last time you bought a pair of glorified gift-shop earrings. Then break it into pieces and hang it in the shower.

Here’s what you get:

A pretty, fragrant way to use your specialty soaps right down to nothing. How frugal of you.
The bag imparts a loofah effect, resulting in smoother skin.
When you exfoliate in this way, it increases the effectiveness of any follow-up skin product you might use.

Smart, eh? Thanks to the nice lady at Michael’s for this crafty idea.

What clever thing did you discover, concoct, or invent recently?

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Age Discrimination is A-OK!

“It’s still the one area where you can totally discriminate against somebody…”  

Madonna said it but I’ve been saying it for years. Why don’t we still not see it? Here’s her rant. 

I was at a book fair yesterday and, for fun, I pointed to my sign and asked people what they thought it meant. (If you can’t see it, in the lower left corner of this photo, it says, “Fiction for People Who Weren’t Born Yesterday.”) Told ‘em I was doing market research. To my delight, some laughed out loud. They loved the concept.

Others were way more reticent – they explained it every way they could without using the word “old.” A couple of old people even told me I should change it, because it “sounds old.” “I think it’ll turn people off,” said one old woman.

I’m jamming my fingers into my eyeballs. Trying not to type a string of profanity.

What the hell is so flipping wrong with being old, saying old, acting old, old, old, OLD? Why is it an insult?

But back to our regular programming: I was talking about ageism being okay. Of course, I’m being sarcastic. (Or as the word is now used, “ironic.”)

If you want to understand how egregious is ageism, read this article about discrimination in the electronic gaming industry and substitute “black” for “old.” Puts it into a rather sharp focus. (On the plus side, electronic games for seniors is a 99% neglected field with a 100% upside, if any of you are looking for a new gig.)

To end on a positive note, here’s an article on how the advertising industry plans to pitch Baby Boomers. They actually paint older people in a somewhat favorable light, even highlighting our positive attributes. Which, for your enjoyment, are:

we value authenticity
we don’t want to be young; we’re happy with who and what we are
we have a sixth sense about being hustled
we’re less self-centered than younger people
we’re skeptical
we’re highly individualistic, more so than at any other time of our lives
we’re independent
we’re not as materialistic; we’re more philanthropic as we age

Next time you feel you’re being dismissed, disrespected, or diminished based on your age, remember that the money boys know the real truth, and the word is starting to get out. At least, among those who want to get into your wallet.

LAST WORD ON GOING GRAY: Hey, look what I just found, from March 6: apparently, gray is the hot hair color now.

 

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Gray Hair Part 2

The day I posted Let Me Live It As a Gray, I became aware of other columns on the same subject.

Ann Brenoff

In this one, HuffPo blogger Ann Brenoff says she would fear for her job if she let herself go gray.

 

 

 

Helen Mirren, stellar gray

In this one, Anna Murphy chalks up her frustration with so many years of dyeing – she calls it “a vague crossness about the fandango.” I love that.

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Robin Korth

And in this one, Robin Korth speaks more eloquently than I ever could about the subject. (Thanks to faithful readers Sue Shoemaker and Ann Marquette for this link.)

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As I read them, I’m struck again by the idea that we’re “brave” or “crazy” to go gray, because this is what we’re risking:

PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE OLD.

And then, look out, because we will be treated horribly. What does that say about us as Americans? PS Here is Kim Kardashian with her recent dye job. Do you think she is trying to look older? Hee hee! But seriously, there isn’t that much difference between gray and blond, yet we attach so much cultural significance we attach to that small degree of difference.

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I just realized I’ve been applying hair color for almost 45 years. That’s a lot of goop and money.

I have a new hairdresser (okay, stylist. That’s what we’re supposed to call them now) who wondered about the work, time, and expense involved in maintaining the color situation (highlighting with foil). Yes, it’s a huge time suck, but I’ve been female for 60 years now, and I’m used to putting in the hours. In this case, I’ve resigned myself to sitting in that chair for 90 minutes every five weeks.

Anyway, the new person made my hair slightly darker and more monochromatic. A few days in, I realized I don’t care for it. It’s too youngish, and I feel ridiculous going to such lengths to not be what I am, which, I think, is completely gray. I don’t even know my own hair color. That strikes me as pathetic. Such a slave to fashion, hey? Well, no more. When I go back, I’ll tell her to start the transition to natural. Frankly, I’m a little nervous. Am I ready to walk the talk about aging joyfully, powerfully, and authentically?

Jamie Lee Curtis

It’s a rite of passage. Just like puberty, marriage, career, menopause, and retirement, this is a big spot on my timeline. I’m excited, because I’ll be the first of my sisters (and mother) to go fully gray. Think of all the time and hassle I’ll save!

But I’m late to the party. Recently, I told a group of friends I was sick of coloring my hair and thinking of going natural. They looked at each other with bemusement. They were all gray. How embarrassing to realize I’d been thrashing around in my own myopic perspective.

My problem is, I’m habituated. Isn’t that how it is – the gate’s been locked so long you don’t even notice when somebody leaves it open. If Bill doesn’t care, and I don’t care, who the hell am I doing this for?

So that’s my big news. I’ll keep you posted. I’m a little nervous but excited. So now here’s my question: what change did you make when you realized the gate was open?

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Hot Tip for Writers: Use Kindle to Edit

Greetings, Writers! I’m working on my sequel to Dakota Blues right now (working title Key Largo Blues), and I’m using this fabulous editing trick that works like a charm: read your latest manuscript draft on Kindle. This allows you to see your ms. as if it were a book already, and man, do the errors stand out. Any clunky, repetitious language or logic errors become evident with the force of paintball splatter.

Step One: email your document to your Kindle address. (If you don’t know it, go to your Amazon account, click on Manage Your Content and Devices, click on Your Devices, highlight the target Kindle, and the email address will appear. Just send the doc as an attachment. I do it in DOCX format (Word 2013) but PDF might work, too, if you’re paranoid.
Step Two: Wait a few minutes, then go to your Kindle and open the document.

Reading my doc on Kindle tricks my brain into thinking I’m reading an actual book, and more often than not, on the first run-through it’s pretty bad. Open the document on your laptop and you’ll be able to do the edits on the actual Word doc as fast as you find them on the Kindle.

Okay, that’s your hot tip. Now, back to the salt mines.

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Free Yourself: Change Your Perspective

After directing several successful films, Sam Taylor-Johnson took time off to “build family.” When she came back to Hollywood, she was sitting around with a bunch of industry people, and they asked what she’d been up to.

“Just had my fourth kid,” she said.

“Moving on,” the man replied, turning away.

Yeah, we get it. Simply making new humans doesn’t count for much. Youth, looks and material success is all that matters in some small minds.

That guy might not have been impressed, but I am. Ms. Taylor-Johnson, the director of Fifty Shades of Grey, is 47. She married husband #1, produced her first two kids, battled colon and breast cancer, weathered a divorce, worked in film, met her new husband, a guy 20 years younger, had two more kids, and went back to work, with her husband staying home to take care of the children. I don’t know about you, but for me, that’s a powerful image of womanhood.

I think this is a new way of growing up female, and it’s strange and intriguing to me. It’s almost as if the woman can drop in and drop out depending on what moves her at whatever stage.  Taylor-Johnson exemplifies this way of living, which is actually based on a very old model. When women aren’t restricted by the patriarchy – no offense, all you wonderful feminist men out there – they blossom in amazing ways. I think we’re coming back to understanding this, to maybe allowing it to happen a little and seeing where it goes.

In an interesting essay on how Cheryl Strayed’s journey should empower young women everywhere, the author Krista Simmons celebrates the resurgence of feminism, in that we are moving away from viewing it as the art of hating men, to an understanding that all people should have equal rights (you can see from the comments that it’s a bit early to celebrate). The author is proposing a new (old, but pushed aside) way of looking at how women might live.

“I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told,” writes Cheryl Strayed.

In the same way, we might decide to tell ourselves a different story about aging. We could invent new ways of thinking about it and living it. Who’s to stop you/us?

I’m talking about a paradigm shift, what Oprah famously publicized as the “aha moment.” All you do is hold up the familiar object, turn it around a bit, and see it from a different angle. For example, what if you could time-travel back to the fifties, and you’re a senior in high school, but you know about the future. Would you jog for exercise through that 1950s neighborhood? Would you let your family smoke? Would you wear jeans? Go barefoot? Burn things in your backyard incinerator? How would your friends, family, and neighbors see your weird views?

In the same way, I think we’re coming around to thinking differently about aging. Many of us are seeing the stupidity of trying to model our fine, mature selves after younger people. Culturally speaking, we’re beginning to value the gifts of longevity as much as smooth skin. If you want to see examples of this newly-appreciated power, check out this article, Old Masters: After 80, Some People Don’t Retire. They Reign. (Great title, right?) It’s by Lewis H. Lapham, who’s in his 80s. My favorite snippet from the article is where 85-year-old naturalist Edward O. Wilson explains how he started to see things differently, wherein he says, in part:

…about 10 years ago, when I began reading and thinking more broadly…

Wilson implies he began to bloom in a new way at the age of 75. That makes me feel very excited about the future, and I hope you’re beginning to feel the same way. 

 

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