Michelle L. Rusk's Blog, page 30

Choosing a Direction

It’s been a busy few weeks, and after having a speaking event followed the next weekend by a pop up that included Chelle Summer, I’ve had some time to think about how my work around suicide/grief/moving forward is woven together with my creative Chelle Summer side.

I realize that the two exist together. It’s not that I didn’t see this to some extent, knowing full well that they are both a part of me, but now I see how much they exist together. Chelle Summer in some way was always part of me– the creative process has been something that was always encouraged– but at some time it was put away when my life moved in other directions.

I’ve come back to it periodically, but I don’t think I fully realized how much I would use creativity to help me feel better and cope with a challenging event. That’s probably because it had been taught me to me when I was so young, I knew early it was something that made me happy and I was able to draw on it to help me continue to move forward in my life journey

Then it makes sense that Chelle Summer would have that message as well. I didn’t just wake up one day wanting to create clothes, handbags, and everything else. There is a purpose with everything that I do. That means that it’s more of a challenge for me to sit at some sort of pop up when people come by only drawn by what I have put on a table, rather than me doing a speaking gig and then people coming to the table, after having heard my story.

As I continue forward on this journey, it’s about continuing to weave all parts of me together because together they are what makes up who I am and what I share with the world.

Walk the Walk

As last week progressed and I took a moment to reflect on my social media posts, as well as how I was spending my time during the day (outside of doing my full-time job), I realized how much of it was filled with my creative life. I have had people comment on how much I’ve been creating and the truth is that I’m not sharing all of it, whether it be because it’s for other people, not finished, or it’s my writing which won’t be shared until it’s a published novel.

My creativity and inspiration are strong now, but it’s just like anything else in life– it’s hard to get started and yet once you do, the momentum takes over.

A year ago this time, I was getting ready to have surgery, to have my uterus removed. I then spent the rest of the summer working and creating, but at a much slower pace than I am now simply because my body needed quite a bit of energy to heal from having a piece of it removed.

At some point– probably in the fall as I don’t really know for sure– I saw the piles of items I wanted to make and people wanted me to make, start to build higher and higher. I told myself then to get over any worries or fears I had about messing things up, doing them wrong, whatever was holding me back, and just start creating.

It really took until January for this to take hold (it helps that I also have a calendar now where I can document what I complete each day which helps keep me honest with myself as well as see my progress), and now I’m finding there aren’t enough hours in the day for all I want to do. Nor is the list of things I want to do coming to an end.

Yes, it does leave me overwhelmed at times, but I remind myself not to worry about it, somehow it’ll all get done and to focus on the moment and what I can do with the time I have. I am also reminded that it leaves me feeling like I’ve had a productive day as I seek to share my creativity and inspiration with others.

I learned a lot time ago that I didn’t want life to fly by and me miss the ride. It might not be the ride others have chosen, but I know it’s the one I’m supposed to be on.

Finding My Way

On Saturday, I keynoted Arizona’s 19th Annual Suicide Loss Conference. Last fall I had been one of the keynotes of their state suicide prevention conference and when I was putting together my talk this time, I noticed how much my message had changed from just six months ago.

I am constantly looking for ways to drive myself forward, to make things happen, to keep myself inspired, and as I shared some of my lessons and what inspires me, I also realized something: I really have now idea how I learned these things. I just did them. While I was clear I wasn’t there necessarily for them to follow my creative journey, I wanted them to know that somewhere deep inside them, there is a dream that always existed. But if I was going to share my dream, I thought, I should also explain where I learned what I have to drive myself forward.

And there’s where I sit– filled with inspiration, with ways of coping, steps to keeping myself motivated. Yet I don’t know how they tumbled into my life. I often say that running competitively taught me many of the lessons for coping with grief (especially realizing you have more strength than you thought you did and how to set smaller goals to keep running when you really want to stop and walk).

In that same time though, I also made myself many collages of words and pictures that I cut from magazines. I used my favorite songs to inspire me, listening to them not just before races but when I was feeling down.

While I don’t know how I learned these lessons, I do know that I have drawn on them in the years since then. Those same songs still inspire me, probably because they remind me of the dreams I created in those years, the same dreams that are still part of me. I can look at the collages and be reminded of the hope I had back then, the same hope that might have felt hidden in the shadows during losses and challenges.

As I find my way forward, I’m also finding myself reflecting on how I got here, realizing that maybe I have been given these gifts of inspiration and motivation, not just for myself, but so I can share them with others who might be inspired themselves.

The Lenten Journey

Something strange happened for Lent this year– my journey started without me being consciously aware of it, the week before Ash Wednesday.

Easter was late this year so I’m not sure how Ash Wednesday managed to sneak up on me like it did, especially because Fr. Gene had told me not long ago that the more we pray, the more we are “aware.” While I initially thought that couldn’t be true because I nearly let Ash Wednesday pass me by without me flagging it down, I realized later that’s because my sense of the Lenten journey has changed.

While I spent a few days debating what I would do for Lent– as I’ve written in years past, every year I try to do something that will strengthen my prayer and/or writing life which are intertwined in many ways– I realized that my journey had actually started the week before Ash Wednesday when I set a new writing goal.

It was as if I didn’t need to be told Lent was coming, instead my awareness through my several prayers during the day, had set the journey in motion.

I had started this seemingly crazy thing of getting up at 4:00 am (it’s not that early– I get up at 4:30 normally) to write two pages before I start my workout. My hope was that I could start my day doing something that is really important to me and sets the tone in a positive way for my day. Then later in the morning I come back and write two more pages.

This is only Monday through Friday, I don’t write on weekends as I’ve found the break helps me be ready again for Monday.

By the time we reached Good Friday, I’d had written quite a number of pages and had a sense that while my manuscript is not where I want it to be, I had made progress.

Greg had Good Friday off and we decided to hit a number of estate sales, the last one on our way home and I really didn’t expect to find anything. We just thought we’d stop because it was along the way. But when he turned the corner in the garage, there was a very large dining room table (one that would fit ten or even twelve although it would be pushing it), the kind of table that I had been looking for to replace our current dining room table which barely fits six people around it. And is hard to cut a full-length dress on.

He called me over and we were both in love. It took about five minutes for us to figure out if it would even work in our house; we both believed it was too big. The family kept telling us how they had had all their holidays meals around it for over fifty years. And it was $120. Surely we could justify that.

As I drove to the ATM to get the cash– Greg staying at the estate sale as collateral– I realized that this was my Easter. That table– bound for my office/studio (we can always switch it out with our dining room table for a party), was a new beginning. It meant we were taking Chelle Summer to another level, giving it the one piece of space it was taking from the rest of the house- our dining room.

Not only did it give me more room to cut, I can lay out multiple projects which keeps me more organized, as well as do other work on it.

I spent Saturday moving things around, cleaning out dusty corners, and making a new beginning for my office. Just as Easter is supposed to be.

My Albuquerque Life

I had always thought that my life experience at Ball State University– where I have my undergraduate degree in journalism from– was much more defining of my life than my two graduate degrees from the University of New Mexico– a masters in health education and a doctorate in family studies. However, over the past three weeks I began to realize might not be true.

While I will never downplay my experience at Ball State because I had so many opportunities and then because it was where I was going to school when my sister Denise died by suicide, what I have failed to acknowledge over the years– simply because I didn’t realize the importance of it– was that going to UNM changed my life in many ways.

I came to Albuquerque as a 22 year old in August 1994 whose sister had died just eighteen months before. I moved here because I knew I wasn’t supposed to live in the Midwest for the rest of my life and graduate school was the perfect way to escape (not that I realized it in those exact words at the time). I also forced myself to start over in a new place with new people and new experiences. And I relished experiencing a climate and culture unlike any other and one that I’ve been able to share with others.

Somewhere along the line though, I had a chance to spend more time back in Illinois and embraced the idea of a second home in my hometown with the blessing of my first husband. But after a divorce and spending a year and half there, I realized it wasn’t where I was supposed to be and longed for the clear skies and the open mesas of New Mexico. I had thought life had sent me to New Mexico to heal from my loss, but I then began to see it was much more than that. There was a piece of my soul that belonged here, something spiritual, something I needed for who I am supposed to be.

It was during those few months where I awaited the move back to Albuquerque that I talked to a priest I had known since before my sister died. No longer at Ball State but still at the area, I met up with Fr. Dave whenever I was in Muncie and he always said something wise and profound as we spent several hours together catching up.

That time he told me that he was surprised that I had moved back to Illinois because, essentially, I had spent my entire adult life in New Mexico. I was struck by this– how true it was– when I look at the influences on my life (right down to my cooking style) because of living in Albuquerque.

While life to takes me to Los Angeles– but not nearly as often as I would like– the place I call my “other home” and I tell people I am originally from the Midwest, I am who I am in many ways because of Albuquerque and that’s why this is home.

Hitting the Reset Button

I wrote several weeks ago about how we didn’t get to take our spring break Los Angeles trip and that it worked out because the universe kept sending us signs that we needed to stay home. Both Greg and I were able to accomplish some things that week that allowed us to get ahead (the swamp coolers for Greg– a spring rite of passage here in New Mexico).

However, last week I began to realize the one downfall of us not taking the trip– that I didn’t hit the reset button hard enough in my life.

I tried to change up the routine that week– I didn’t have the house cleaned, we skipped church, and I didn’t set my watch to time my morning workouts. I realize some of these things might seem small or things that many people don’t do but, for me, they are part of my daily life and they are important to me.

By the end of last week rolled around though, I realized I was feeling exhausted and a little burned out. When we go to LA I am completely forced out of my routine: there are no dogs to run, no pool to swim in (the ocean is not so warm in the winter!), no sewing machine to use. I sleep in (which is past 5:00 am for me), I only get in one workout and it’s mostly a long walk with Greg, I eat a lot of Cheez-Its that Sam knows I’m addicted to and don’t buy at home, and I catch up on my reading.

But being at home, it was too easy to keep doing most of these things and I hadn’t realized how important that week off from my routine is to keeping myself fresh and motivated. I also realize that I am not a staycation kind of person– it’s too easy for me to continue with my routine if I’m not far enough away from the parts of it that make it happen (pool, sewing machine, running and walking the dogs).

I tend to live a very structured life and much of that is because I have goals I want to accomplish. I will never be an overnight sensation because I’ve been working too long to get to where I want to go. Instead, I have to block out time nearly daily for the aspects of my life– the ones that make me happy– that I want to do. However, I’ve also realized that maybe every month or so I need to crack the routine enough to keep me fresh.

There’s a lesson in everything. If we choose to be open to learning what it is.

The Spiritual Side of Exercise

I never thought of exercise as something spiritual. For a long time in my life, it was a physical activity that I also knew benefited me emotionally. I have written previously about how I pray during my initial run in the morning– with Lilly my German Shepherd– where I say thanks for everything in life from the previous day.

However, as I reflect back on my life and how much swimming has become an integral part of my daily life, I see now how that’s more spiritual time, zen time.

I usually swim later in the day, if possible, so that I give myself a break from my work. Although I did find this winter that 11:00 am gave me a good break from my morning work at my laptop and what I tried to make afternoon work at the sewing machine. And after writing throughout the morning, I also used that time in the pool to plan my writing for the following day.

Prayer isn’t easy- my mind wanders and if there is any noise (particularly at the gym pool), I find myself getting caught up in what’s happening there. I also have learned that half of prayer is learning to shut out the outside noise and not just let my mind rest from whatever else I’ve been doing, but also see what ideas come into my mind by being open, by giving it a rest.

I usually leave the pool feeling at least mentally rested and ready to tackle the rest of the day. The bonus is that I usually have at least one writing idea that goes home with me.

Running has always served a purpose in my life- as does walking the dogs– but swimming has become something different. It’s as if it has an added component from getting off my feet and working my way through the water, giving me a different perspective and a different place to open my mind.

Sunrise over Sunset

I have written before about the importance– to me– of running and walking at sunrise, about how it has gotten me through some very dark times in my life. And how I learned of its importance– long after I was doing it and feeling solace in it– from a Navajo man who told me that they believe in greeting the day with their steps, with a run.

I get up at 4:00 am and I realize that most people find that nutty and believe that I jump out of bed to start the day. Not so. I pretty much roll myself out of bed and over the last month I have stumbled to my office (and somehow manage function sitting on my ball) to write two pages before I leave for my workout.

Recently, I was finishing up the last part of my workout with a loop around the park by my house, Hattie and Ash in tow, when we ran into one of the other regulars. We always note the weather and how lucky we are to be outside as darkness becomes light, as the day begins, as if overnight God wiped the chalkboard clean and washed the streets down. She and I always talk about how beautiful the mornings are, the outline of the Sandia Mountains taking place to the east of us as light starts to emerge. With another friend, we are always certain to look up at the moon and the stars– and whatever planets we can see in our usually clear morning skies. This morning the moon was low in the sky, but a sliver and reminder of how the sky changes daily while the earth rotates and seasons change, time passes.

On this morning, I happened to say, “I much prefer sunrise over sunset” and she agreed. Then I added, “I hate to get up, but I love to be up at this time of day.” She also agreed.

I know sunset for many people is the reward for a long day of work, life, whatever. Sunset is the end of the day, a way to cap off everything that’s happened before slipping off to rest and sleep.

But for me, I need sunrise much more. I need to be reminded in the morning of the hope of what’s to come, the belief of all that’s ahead of me, of knowing whatever happened the day before there’s a chance to start over. With a clean slate.

Heeding a Message from the Universe

At some point in my life, I made a decision about certain goals and dreams that I wanted to accomplish. When I did that, I also realized that there would be many uphill battles. But now that I’m older– and this is really hard– I’ve also learned that there are times when the universe is sending me messages that I really should pay attention to even though they aren’t what I want to hear.

One of my favorite places I love to go to, and I’ve written before about how important it is in my life and who I am, is Los Angeles. It’s my second home because we travel there multiple times a year. And each time as we get closer to leaving, I find myself at the church we attend there lighting a candle and thanking God for the week. It’s during that time that I begin to reflect back on my experiences there and I see how nourished and energized I feel from, well, being there. It’s like LA gives something to my soul that I don’t get in most other places, enough to keep me going until my next visit.

Except that we’re supposed to be there this week. And we’re not.

Without going into all the mundane details, there have been signs all over the place that we weren’t supposed to make this trip. I kept fighting them, believing they were just roadblocks I had to find a way around. But finally last Wednesday I felt exhausted at the thought of packing and having to endure more roadblocks on the trip.

I decided it wasn’t worth it and we began to think we’d stay home.

However, the door was still slightly ajar when on Saturday morning, Ash got really sick and we had to take him to the ER vet. While the results were inconclusive at the time, now I see he has colitis (just one round of antibiotics had his body acting more friendly toward anything he ate) and I knew then we had to shut the door on the trip.

I am bummed out because I know we won’t make it there until late June– even though I realize the ocean and everything important to us isn’t going anywhere. At the same time, I know the signs were telling me that even though it feels like two steps backward, as I go forward in the days and weeks ahead, I’ll see it was actually more than two steps forward.

The hardest part isn’t just listening to the message, but actually following through with what it says. And trusting that it’s the right decision. Much like life itself.

What Remains

As I write this, it’s the 26th anniversary of my sister Denise’s suicide. However, you won’t read this until tomorrow because I’m not posting it on social media until then. I have said in the past that I don’t want to acknowledge her death date anymore and I really don’t which is why I’m waiting another day.

But there’s also another reason– I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me.

It’s been 26 years. It’s more than half my life ago since she died and I’ve had plenty of time to examine it, spin it around, turn it upside down, and realize that I can’t change her choice or what happened. What I can control is my life and right now I feel like life has bigger things for me, that I haven’t tapped my potential, and I want to get there. I don’t want to be lost in the aspects of my past that don’t keep me moving forward.

However, no matter how much time and processing go by, the reality is that this date is always marked in my head. St. Patrick’s Day and the NCAA Tournament are reminders of events leading up to her death. And now we have the anniversary of Mom’s death a week after Denise’s.

I wouldn’t say I’m sad today; too much time and processing has gone by for that. I can’t wonder about “what could have been,” because there’s been too much life since then. Mostly, I feel like when I went to Norway some years ago and saw a black and white photo on my friend’s wall of a teen in a football uniform. I hadn’t known she had a brother because he had been killed in Vietnam, before I was born.

I realized as I stood there looking at his photo that I, too, would be like her one day with a dated photo of my sister because so much life would have passed. I’m there now.

Denise is still part of my life, she is with me, just as my parents and the many others from my life who have died. But I still have much life to live and my focus is on that, not what could have been.