Matador Network's Blog, page 2067
August 21, 2015
56 things you will never hear a Londoner say
Photo: wildebeest1
1. It’s so easy and affordable to get onto the property ladder.
2. I never queue.
3. Sure, invade my personal space a bit more.
4. Cornwall is so ugly.
5. London could do with a couple more people, don’t you think?
6. I completely understand all of the northern accents.
7. I don’t want to join in with your rendition of Wonderwall right now.
8. Or Mr Brightside.
9. Or the Bohemian Rhapsody.
10. Don’t you just love the Tories?
11. Yes, I think Tony Blair was my favourite Prime Minister too.
12. I always put the milk in my tea first.
13. There just aren’t enough Wetherspoons about are there?
14. Why don’t people stand on the left of the escalator anymore?
15. It doesn’t kill me inside that Freddos now cost 65p.
16. My Nandos wasn’t cheeky enough.
17. The coolest people sit at the back of the bus.
18. I manage to get so much stuff done from the time I have save writing ‘K’ instead of ‘OK’.
19. Nah, I’ll give after work drinks a miss tonight mate.
20. I don’t drink during the week.
21. I’d kill for some Jellied Eels.
22. I’ve not been sent any Candy Crush requests this week.
23. I can’t remember what rain looks like.
24. I’ve not had to wear a jacket through any of the summer months.
25. Have you seen how great my tan is?!
26. Nah mate, don’t fancy a holiday this year.
27. I bloody love Leicester Square.
28. I’d never eat Street food from Camden.
29. Or end up in Proud.
30. I don’t think Dalston is Hipster enough.
31. I’ve never been on a Tinder date.
32. Its so easy to meet people in this City.
33. Everyone is so friendly.
34. Anyone fancy getting a salad before the night bus home?
35. Everything is in walking distance.
36. I’ve always dreamed of living in Zone 6.
37. All my mates find it really easy to come to pre-drinks here.
38. Going to see the Dinosaurs in the Natural History Museum is so childish.
39. All the day festivals through the summer are so affordable.
40. Transport strikes are my favourite part of the year.
41. No, please, come and scream next to my ear small children.
42. I’ve never fallen in love on the Tube.
43. I don’t read Rush Hour Crush whenever I get a copy of the Metro.
44. Burrito’s at lunchtime are the worst idea ever.
45. Big Ben is the most fascinating thing about this city.
46. I’ve been to all of the tourist attractions.
47. Yes that’s correct; I am friends with the Queen.
48. I’ve never humiliated myself in front of a celebrity when they’ve walked past.
49. Beer at lunch? Are you some kind of monster?
50. There really aren’t enough writers in London are there?
51. Or journalists.
52. Or bankers.
53. Or recruiters.
54. I can never find live music.
55. I bloody love my oyster card.
56. Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner…
Why prostitution must be legal
Photo: Sascha Kohlmann
ON AUGUST 11, AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL, the world’s largest and most prominent human rights organization, voted to support the worldwide decriminalization of prostitution. It has been a tremendously controversial decision, with celebrities like Lena Dunham, Nick Kristof, and Kate Winslet speaking out against it, and with many (including another writer on Matador) arguing that decriminalization actually serves to make life easier for pimps and sex traffickers rather than the women they exploit.
But sex workers and sex worker advocacy groups tend to support decriminalization as a way to better protect their health and well-being while refocusing law enforcement’s attention not on the worker’s themselves, but on those who are trafficking or harming the women instead.
The one thing that everyone seems to agree on is that decriminalized prostitution is not even remotely close to perfect. No one — aside from truly terrible people — wants women to be abused, sold, killed, or exploited, and the world’s many experiments with decriminalizing prostitution have never totally eliminated these risks. It needs to happen anyway.
What are the options?
A breakdown of the world’s prostitution laws. Via Reddit. Click here for a larger version.
There are three basic options, all of which can be implemented in a billion different ways. They are total criminalization, partial decriminalization, and full legalization. Total criminalization (which much of the world subscribes to) is by far the worst approach. It leads to the targeting and arrest of the sex workers, who may have been forced into the industry, meaning they’re getting arrested for something they desperately do not want to be doing. It also means that, with the entire industry pushed underground, abused women are less likely to seek help from law enforcement, as they are technically complicit in a criminal act. Many sex workers in countries with total criminalization say that police will often demand they perform sex acts on them in order to avoid being arrested.
Full legalization is a lot trickier. The standard, go-to argument for the legalization of prostitution is that it’s the world’s oldest profession and it isn’t going anywhere, so we should try and bring it out of the shadows and reduce the potential harm as much as humanly possible. Legalization — which, we should note, is technically different from decriminalization, as legalization refers to the imposition of regulation while decriminalization refers to the removal of criminal punishments — would, ideally, bring prostitution into a place where it could be practiced safely and regulated so that the government could focus their energy instead on targeting traffickers. Legalization would also ideally make it easier to provide prostitutes with health services, thus preventing the spread of STDs.
Opponents of legalization (aside from the people who simply oppose it for moral reasons) typically say that increased legalized prostitution leads to increased sex trafficking. The evidence for this is a bit shaky, though: often, as German Lopez points out in his excellent article on Vox it conflates sex trafficking with human trafficking, which are not one and the same, and human trafficking is notoriously difficult to reliably study, as it is illegal and is thus underground. It may simply be that, when prostitution is legalized, it becomes easier to track sex trafficking, and as a result, we may see a spike in it. If this is the case, our response shouldn’t be “let’s make prostitution illegal again to get these numbers down,” it should be, “let’s use this new information to make trafficking more difficult.”
The approach that people like Lena Dunham and Gloria Steinem support, partial decriminalization, is the approach Sweden and Norway have adopted. In 1999, Sweden decriminalized the selling of sex, while simultaneously criminalizing the buying of sex. So rather than targeting the sex workers, it targets the johns. Proponents claim this legislation has had a number of effects: first, it has drastically reduced the number of prostitutes working in Sweden, and second, it has drastically reduced the number of women being trafficked in Sweden.
The problem with the Sweden approach is that the evidence of actual improvements are pretty shaky, and pro-Sweden claims that full legalization in countries like Germany have led to an increase in sex trafficking have been proven to be totally wrong. Sex worker advocates oppose the Sweden model because it still stigmatizes sex workers, and because police will often target sex workers as a way of getting to the johns, making it a kind of indirect criminalization.
Legalized sex work in the U.S. is a mess
So what has legalization looked like in the U.S.? I actually have some first hand experience of this: Last summer, as part of a press trip, I went to Sheri’s Ranch, one of Nevada’s 19 legal brothels. Sheri’s Ranch is typically acknowledged as one of the “nicer,” and certainly one of the more expensive brothels in the state, in part due to the fact that it sits just across the border from California, and in part because at an hour and a half away, it is the closest a legal brothel can get to Las Vegas (most of the more populated counties in Nevada do not have legalized prostitution). An hour at Sheri’s Ranch can cost you as little as $1,000, and as much as $20,000.
The setup in Nevada is not what most advocates for legalization of prostitution are looking for. The women at Sheri’s Ranch are not employees but rather are contractors in the complex, which is owned by a madam. They pay for the right to stay there, they pay for weekly STD tests, they pay taxes, and they pay for a “sheriff’s card,” a kind of county permit which struck me as being remarkably close to a legalized bribe.
Nevada’s system works more in the favor of the brothel owners (who could be reasonably equated to pimps) and the customers, rather than the workers themselves, and there’s still no shortage of reports of abuse. 90% of prostitution in Nevada is still illegal, and while the brothels do provide a safe space for the women there, they often don’t do much to prevent illegal prostitution.
The vision I saw of legalized prostitution in Pahrump, to be honest, kind of grossed me out. There was an actual “Sex Menu” that included items like “Hot and Cold Blowjob” (“you will not know whether you are going or cumming!”), and a “Tongue Body Licking Massage” (“Erotic Sex Tongue Pleasure!”). Grossest of all, one of the rooms had an actual corporate sponsor: Landshark Beer. The room was covered in Landshark wallpaper and had its trademark sign — that surfboard with a bite taken out of it — hanging on the wall.
…But it’s still the best option
This “ick” factor is in part what makes this debate so damn hard to have. I don’t have to live as a woman or as a prostitute, so it’s easy for me to feel grossed out about Sheri’s Ranch. I have the luxury of being judgmental and condescending. And it’s hard to divorce this instinctive “ick” from any compassionate opinions I could have about prostitution and how it should be handled.
It’s also extremely difficult, in a world as shady as prostitution, to be sure what works and what doesn’t work. Legalization policies in one place may be horribly put together and horribly implemented, making the problem the worse, while legalization policies in another place may be really well done and may help protect prostitutes from trafficking and abuse. There’s so much nuance to this issue that categorizing policies as simply “good” or “bad” is a totally useless practice.
At the end of the day, the people who can best speak for sex workers are the sex workers themselves. And while sex workers as a whole are not united in their opinions about the sex trade — there are an estimated 42 million of them worldwide, after all — they and their advocates don’t support the Sweden model, calling it “indirect criminalization.” Because they are the people these policies are supposed to protect, they are the ones whose testimony we should give the greatest weight to, especially when the data the other sides are using is so unreliable.
Full legalization will still have its problems. It will not solve violence against women, and it will not end trafficking. It may, especially to us outsiders, still appear to be gross or morally reprehensible. But Amnesty is right: the only way to fix the problems with the world’s oldest profession is to finally bring it out of the shadows. 
13 American habits I lost in Amsterdam
Photo: Luca Sartoni
1. Driving
In California, I thought nothing of jumping in my mini-SUV to drive three blocks to the nearest Trader Joe’s for some Two Buck Chuck. Since totaling that vehicle in 2009 (long story), I haven’t driven a car. There’s no need to in Amsterdam, a village built for horses, where bicycles outnumber people. Since the city is flat as a Dutch pannekoken, and parking is pricey as gold, everyone from CEOs to parents, kids and hookers rides a bike, rain or shine — or more likely rain, wind, and more rain.
2. Riding an expensive bike
While many Americans spend hundreds if not thousands on cycles that hang in the garage for weekend recreation, Dutchies commute on “beater bikes” painted in garish colors to make them easier to find in a mile-high stack, then lock them up with industrial-size chains that could secure an army tank. (Such tactics do little to deter thieves, who naturally repaint their “new” rides before selling them on the black market. )Despite their distressed looks, Dutch commuter bikes, omafietsen (grandma bikes) and bakfietsen (cargo bikes) are the epitome of function. used for carting kids, groceries, plants and appliances, and often decorated with flowers to liven up their looks.
3. Buying on credit
We Americans pay double digit interest on credit card balances, but Dutchies don’t spend more than they have. Debit cards are widely used, helping people live within their means — or until their bank account hits zero. The net benefit is priceless freedom from credit card debt.
4. Political correctness
There’s no PC in Holland, where everyone from the janitor to the CEO can and will criticize and demean you. Dutchies are so direct they can come off as rude. Sufficiently angered, they’ll curse you with a deadly ailment — typhoid, tuberculosis, cholera, small pox, or The Big C. “Sterf aan kanker!” (Die of cancer!), they’ll shout, swearing by disease like no other nationality. While their lack of PC may irritate the thin-skinned, no one ever has to guess what a Dutchie is thinking.
5. Tipping
Americans are known for leaving generous tips. Since restaurant staff in the US earn below minimum wage, waiters typically “brown-nose” customers to earn a living wage through TIPS. Dutch restaurant staff don’t go out of their way “To Insure Prompt Service.” They’re paid adequately, so customers should be grateful they’re allowed in at all. Much less served.
6. Assuming everyone speaks English
Amsterdammers are among Europe’s most fluent English speakers. But the Dutch capital encompasses some 180 nationalities, including many Turkish and Moroccan residents, plus an older population with less polished English skills. In Holland, just as in any foreign country, it’s rude to start blathering away in English before knowing what language your listener understands.
7. Tardiness
Dutchies are a punctual lot. And they expect the same of you. This became clear to me when a doctor explained, “You’re sitting in someone else’s chair” after I arrived 10 minutes late for an appointment. Agendas are taken seriously in Holland — and displayed prominently in bathrooms, where the inevitable Birthday Calendar (De Verjaardagskalender) hangs. Ever frugal and efficient, Dutchies use these perpetual calendars, sans days or years, to avoid purchasing and updating a new one each year. Covertly erasing a few entries from one could wreak havoc in your Dutch friend’s life.
8. Work before play
By Dutch standards, Americans are workaholics who slave 40+ hours, 50 weeks a year to earn two weeks of annual vacation. Europeans average 37.5 hours a week, but Dutchies work only 30.6 — the least in Europe. Even these figures underestimate Dutch idleness, since more people are gainfully employed in America than in Holland.
9. Romance
Your Dutch date may greet you with the obligatory three kisses on alternating cheeks, but don’t expect much romance after that. Plan to split the dinner bill while your sultry eyes compete for attention with the night’s Ajax match. On the upside, Dutchies are typically quite tall and well-built. If you cohabit with one, be sure to document every possession and bank account you have, as without a samenlevingscontract (living-together contract) you might miss more than romance.
10. Ostentatiousness
Dutchies despise over the top behavior. “Doe maar normaal, dan doe je al gek genoeg (Just act normally, that’s crazy enough),” they say, reaching back to Calvinist roots that preach lack of flash and fanfare. That mindset evaporates on Koningsdag (King’s Day), when the orange garb appears and everyone in Holland acts as crazy as humanly possible.
11. Closing the curtains
Again, it’s all about Calvinist roots and having nothing to hide. No matter what they’re doing or how intimate, true Dutchies keep the drapes open.
12. Using a dryer
No one in Europe uses a dryer for anything other than hair. Why use a fancy machine that requires expensive electricity when radiators and the wind provide the same function?
13. Owning no winter clothes
In sunny Southern California, I owned one light coat that rarely came out of the closet. Given Holland’s damp, changeable climate, my wardrobe now includes an array of winter jackets, scarves, boots and mittens. In all weights and colors. 
It’s official. Earth just had its hottest month ever recorded
Photo: Courtesy of National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
So there’s a new climate report out from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA). Which do you want first — the good news or the bad news? LOL jk, it’s all bad news!
The NOAA has confirmed that July 2015 was the warmest month ever recorded on Earth. The average temperature across the Earth’s land and ocean surfaces was 61.86 degrees Fahrenheit — 1.46 degrees warmer than the 20th-century average, 0.08 degrees warmer than the previous record set in 1998, and the hottest month since humans began recording global temperatures in the 1880.
The findings verify preliminary data released several days ago by the NASA and the Japan Meteorological Administration.
Here’s what our super hot July looked like.
Photo: Courtesy of National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
The year-to-date numbers are just as worrying.
The first seven months of 2015 were also the hottest first seven months of any year since 1880. The average temperature was 1.53 degrees Fahrenheit above the 20th-century average for January-through-July, and hotter than the previous hottest year (2010) by 0.16 degrees.
It might be a good idea for you to bookmark NOAA’s report so you have it handy in the winter, when people start saying things like, “What global warming. It’s freezing outside!”
By Timothy McGrath, GlobalPost
This article is syndicated from GlobalPost.
15 things Spaniards miss after leaving Spain
Photo: Arkangel
1. Those long afternoons, evenings and nights spent eating sunflower seeds with your friends.
So maybe you were 17 the last time you did this, but now you desperately look for pipas wherever you are and, the most difficult part, friends with whom to eat them in a park or on the beach.
2. Sleeping in the dark.
You thought it was normal to seek darkness to be able to sleep, but then discovered that’s actually a flaw Spaniards have. The rest of the world, you’ll soon learn, have thicker eyelids and that’s why they don’t need to install blinds on their windows.
3. Tampons with applicator.
You’re a girl and move to another European country, one of those supposed to be more civilized than we are. You discover they are also more skilled and do not need tampon applicators. You feel like a scared preteen again, struggling in the bathroom for too long to insert the damn thing.
4. Getting (free) food with your drink.
Am I supposed to drink this without eating anything? What do you mean if I want food I have to pay for it?
5. Zoning out in front of the TV.
Sometimes you just need to fall asleep to Jorge Javier or Belén Esteban’s soothing voices. Or the weird sense of security you get by turning the TV on after lunch and confirming Jordi Hurtado is still there.
6. Eating merienda!
You still eat something at 6pm in your new country, but it’s suddenly called dinner.
7. Long lunch breaks.
You don’t miss leaving work at 8pm, but how are you supposed to have a proper meal in a 30-minute lunch break without choking? Still a mystery.
8. Bread (to help food onto the fork).
You’re at a restaurant, the waiter comes with your meal. You wonder where the bread is. You ask for it, you assume you’ll have to pay for it, but accept anyway. You take a piece and start doing the normal thing, pushing food onto the fork with it. Everyone’s looking at you. “What? Should I use my finger?” -you wonder.
9. Having a bidet.
Even if you just used it to wash your feet from time to time, you miss its presence. Bathrooms seem incomplete. Not to speak of the weird experience of entering one to discover the WC is in a different room.
10. Bars as a family place.
You run out of milk at home. You suggest having breakfast at a bar. Your roommate gently gives you the phone number of AA.
11. Those puentes throughout the year and oh, the one in December.
Now you’re expected to show up and actually get some work done even though yesterday was a holiday and tomorrow is Saturday.
12. Not having to make difficult calculations when leaving a tip.
Ah, the happy days when you could just leave a tip if you felt like it and didn’t need a calculator to find out the exact amount you had to give.
13. The security of knowing any party can be saved by playing Marisol, Raphael or Rocío Jurado.
Como una ola will unite hipsters, hippies, heavy metal fans and goths in a loud, happy, terribly out of tune chant.
14. Having lunch at your parents’.
Once a month if you live in a different region, once a week to everyday if you live in the same city. Not that you’d be able to do it now with your cruel 30-minute lunch break…
15. Milk & cookies for breakfast.
And dunking anything (cookies! churros! muffins! bread with oil!) in your coffee or colacao without feeling guilty.
August 20, 2015
10 signs you're from Tennessee
You don’t even need sauces or spices to make it freakin’ delicious — you just need to perfect that slow smoking process. That being said, you’re not going to complain about the dry rub that Memphis-style barbecue is famous for — a mix of garlic, cumin, paprika, and various other spices coating the ribs. If you really want to tantalize your tastebuds, dip your ribs in a tangy, somewhat sweet sauce, and watch the tender meat fall off the bone in a mess of all things that are good. It’s no wonder the World Championship Barbecue Cooking Contest is hosted by Tennessee. And it’s no wonder you can order barbeque from anywhere in the United States overnight from Memphis. That’s right — overnight shipping for barbeque. It’s that serious here.
2. You’re never really sure if you can buy alcohol.
On Sundays, you can buy beer, but not wine or liquor, after 12 pm. And on any other day, liquor sales stop by 11 pm. That is, unless you live in a county where the bars close earlier than 3 am., which means that beer sales stop when the bars close. And then you’ve got some counties (like the one where Jack Daniels is distilled) that are completely dry. To put it simply, it’s not a rare occurrence to drive over to the next county — or even the bordering state — to buy alcohol. But hey, at least Tennessee just voted to start selling wine in grocery stores! *eye roll*
3. You get a little too excited over Tax Free Weekend.
Every year, the first Friday of August begins a weekend without sales tax on certain items in Tennessee. And since we have one of the highest sales taxes in the country, pardon us for going a little nuts. It’s like The Purge but for clothes and school supplies.
4. You’re still scared of the Bell Witch.
Taking family camping trips wasn’t complete without your crazy uncle trying to scare you shitless with stories of the Bell Witch — the only recorded case in US history of an entity killing a human in Adams, Tennessee. A lot of people believe The Blair Witch Project was based off the Tennessee folklore, which makes it even more terrifying. But then again, there’s also that really terrible Sissy Spacek movie about the Bell Witch that made you kind of laugh before spending an entire night trying to fall asleep with the lights on.
5. You’d rather go to Dollywood than Disney.
You’ve got the tastes and sounds of the Barbecue & Bluegrass festival, the four million holiday lights at Smoky Mountain Christmas, the huge firework displays during the Great American Summer, and Aunt Granny’s All-You-Care-To-Eat Buffet. Given, there’s no Pirates of the Caribbean, but there is the ever looming chance you’ll run into Dolly Parton’s hair while in line for the Tennessee Tornado. Not to mention, it’s about an arm and a leg cheaper.
6. You support the Broncos solely for Peyton Manning.
And before that, you rallied for the Colts. Take credit for the star quarterback all you want Denver and Indianapolis, but we had him first.
7. You claim that Krystal’s is better…even if you’ve never tried White Castle.
Sure, they both have miniature, square burgers with steamed, soggy buns. And sure, they’re both the best drunk food ever thrown in a bag. But as someone who was raised on Krystal’s like any other good Tennessean, White Castle loses by a long shot; even if it’s for no other reason than nostalgia.
8. You have an unhealthy pride for Jack Daniels.
And why shouldn’t you? It’s only the most widely-sold American whiskey in the world.
9. You’ve missed an entire week of school for a questionable snow prediction.
Chance of flurries? It’s a global catastrophe! Groceries stores turn into post apocalyptic wastelands, kitchens are stocked with canned goods and enough bread to make sandwiches for weeks, and salt trucks are revving up to save the day. A week goes by of temperatures in the 40s, and you’re now faced with having to make up a fuckload of school work and no snowball fights? “Well, we were better safe than sorry!”
10. You or someone you know has only been to 8 other states.
And they all border Tennessee.
Photo: Nanagyei
15 things I learned in Indonesia
AFTER WORKING AS A TEACHER in China for a year with my husband, we were desperate for some beach time. We’d been to the sands of many South East Asian countries and wanted to see something new.
We’d heard that Indonesia was home to some of the most beautiful beaches. When I turned up in Bali, I found that beautiful beach, and it was riddled with trash. Indonesia surprised me in many ways.
1. Indonesia has the 4th largest population in the world.
Home to the largest enclave of Muslim people, Indonesia is made up of 17,508 islands (6,000 of which are inhabited) and about 300 different ethnic groups.
2. Lakes change colour.
Atop the Kelimutu volcano on the Flores Island, three crater lakes change colour periodically: Tiwu Ata Mbupu (Lake of Old People) is usually blue, while Tiwu Muwa Muri Koo Fai (Lake of Young Men and Maidens) and Tiwu Ata Polo (Bewitched or Enchanted Lake) are typically green and red, respectively. The lake colours vary periodically, likely due to the sub-aqueous fumaroles triggering chemical changes in the minerals found in the water.
3. Flat tires can be patched over a campfire.
Indonesian roads are ruthless and damaging to your car. But, should you have a tire blow out on you, you’ll get to watch the process by which locals repair them.
4. Scooter scams are common.
Be mindful of where you keep your scooter parked and make sure that you lock it. Some scooter shops have been known to steal their bikes back from you, then demand you pay a fee for its disappearance.
5. You can drink cat-poo coffee.
On the island of Bali, there is a process of making coffee that involves the excrement of civets (a type of cat). The product is properly called Kopi Luwak, and is arguably the most expensive coffee in the world. The coffee beans are eaten by farm civets, then pooped out. The crappy beans are then collected and roasted for coffee production.
6. The world’s worst road is here.
In Kuta, Lombok, the main road that runs through the town and up over towards Mawun Beach is possibly the most pot-holed road in existence. Out of our scooter group of three, there were three topples due to the dangerously rugged terrain. According to Kuta, Lombok locals, the road is expected to see repair by 2013.
7. I could live in Gili Trawangan forever.
Gili T, as it is called for short, has no motorized vehicles operating on it; you get around by bike, horse, carriage, or by foot. You can walk the entire island in about two hours.
8. Indonesia is home to both the most beautiful beach and the dirtiest beach I’ve ever seen.
In Kuta, Bali, the main beach has novice surfers littering the water, as well as piles of garbage along the sandy banks closest to the water’s edge. The litter stretches the length of the entire beach.
But on Lombok, about 3.5km east of Kuta Beach, is Seger Beach, a shallow, clay-bedded, white-turquoise bay. The best sunset view (complete with sheep encounters) is accessed by climbing up the adjacent grassy hill.
9. Extra Joss shots are pretty good.
A mixture of vodka and Extra Joss energy powder (illegal everywhere except Indonesia and the Philippines), the shot can be found at an Irish pub called Tir Na Nog or in the privacy of your own island accommodations.
Empty the entire packet of Joss into your mouth, but don’t swallow. Pour the vodka shot into your mouth with the powder. Close your mouth because the combination fizzes up like a fourth grade volcano project. Shake your head to mix the contents and swallow.
10. Children make good jockeys.
The first ever Sasak Horse race was held on Lombok while we were visiting. The horses are decorated and designed with a shaver and coloured paint. Riders ride bareback and without reins, their small size helping them finish faster. Only these aren’t adult jockeys; they’re children no older than 12.
11. Worms are lucky.
The annual Putri Nyale festival is celebrated in early February on the island of Lombok. Sasak people flock to the beaches to retrieve water said to contain glowing worms that bring good luck to the beholder.
Legend says that the worms represent the hair of a goddess that drowned herself in the waters here because she would not share her love between her home country and a man whom she was to marry. She killed herself to show that she wouldn’t love anything, or anyone, more than Indonesia.
12. Peanuts grow on trees.
Don’t judge me. Where I come from, we don’t have peanut trees.
13. Anyone can cook like an Indonesian.
In Kuta, Lombok you can learn how to cook any Indonesian cuisine you’d like. Yanti’s Cooking Class takes you to a local market, where you hand-pick your own fresh ingredients to take to her family’s home in a small village, where you will drink a hand-picked coconut and learn Yanti’s special recipes.
We learned how to make Gado Gado, Nasi Goreng, seafood curry, and chili prawns. Thank you to Ralph, Yanti, and Raya for your generosity and kindness.
14. The mangiest cats live here.
Inbreeding is the main reason behind the strange looking Indonesian cats. Because of the thousands of islands that make up Indonesia, the cats have shrunk their own gene pools by mating within the family chain. The cats are typically quite small in size and have about an inch of tail.
15. The bugs are big.
That’s no bird. That’s a moth.
Normal vs. New Hampshire friend
Photo: Shanon Wise
1.
A normal friend posts selfies, vacation photos, and food pictures on Facebook.
A New Hampshire friend posts pictures of their most recent hike, catches from their fishing trip, and their new motocross equipment.
2.
A normal friend balks at the idea of waiting an hour for pancakes.
A New Hampshire friend insists on waiting longer so as to have more time to wander around the Sugar House and the shop at Parker’s Maple Barn.
3.
A normal friend has likely gone camping at least a couple of times in their life.
A New Hampshire friend spends a good chunk of their summer camping deep in the woods of the White Mountain National Forest. They’d love to tell you all about that time a bear stole all of their food because they forgot to hide it before they went to bed–just ask.
4.
A normal friend tells you about their friend’s friend’s uncle’s cousin who makes moonshine.
A New Hampshire friend lets you try the moonshine they helped their dad make in the basement of their house.
5.
A normal friend pretends to know what’s going on in politics for the sake of polite adult conversation.
A New Hampshire friend pretends to know what’s going on in politics so they can brag about how they met presidential candidates at the state’s first-in-the-nation primaries.
6.
A normal friend accompanies you to the beach in winter to see the sights.
A New Hampshire friend signs you up for the Penguin Plunge under the guise of charity but really just to see you run through foot upon foot of snow and into frigid, arctic waters.
7.
A normal friend takes you to the grocery store for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
A New Hampshire friend convinces you to drive hours away, to Waterbury, Vermont, to go on a factory tour and get a fresh cone straight from their scoop shop.
8.
A normal friend asks if you want to spend a day at the lake.
A New Hampshire friend plans an all day picnic/drinking fest to be held while floating down the Saco River on inner tubes.
9.
A normal friend compliments you on your Christmas tree.
A New Hampshire friend goes to a Christmas Tree Farm and helps you chop down your favorite tree before bungee cording it to the roof of your Subaru.
10.
A normal friend enjoys going to a theme park every now and then.
A New Hampshire friend complains about how they’ve been going to Canobie Lake Park every year since they can remember, yet they still continue to go and show no signs of stopping.
11.
A normal friend dresses up for a party: makeup, dress, shoes; you name it.
A New Hampshire friend gives no second thought to showing up in a flannel, some jeans, and L.L.Bean duck boots.
12.
A normal friend calls you on their way to your house to see if you’d like to go grab a coffee.
A New Hampshire friend shows up with your favorite Dunkins’ iced coffee and a toasted bagel with cream cheese.
13.
A normal friend invites you for dinner and a small get together at their house.
A New Hampshire friend invites you to a raging bonfire/BBQ/camp out in the woods behind their house and expects that you clear a few days in your schedule for all the festivities.
14.
A normal friend takes the direct route to your house when dropping you off.
A New Hampshire friend drives down every back road and through every neighboring town if it means getting the most scenic view.
15.
A normal friend dresses for the weather and based on the season.
A New Hampshire friend can be found wearing shorts in the dead of winter, flannel in the middle of summer, and a beanie in the spring.
16.
A normal friend suggests you split a fried dough or soft pretzel at the state fair.
A New Hampshire friend insists you each get your own funnel cake, fried Oreo, and homemade fries at the Deerfield Fair–why share when you can have your own? 
funniest Indonesian expressions
Photo: *saipal
1. An Indonesian isn’t called a “playboy” or a “womanizer,” he’s a “land crocodile.” (buaya darat)
2. Indonesians don’t “go to the toilet,” they either “throw a small water” or “throw a big water.” (buang air kecil or buang air besar)
3. There are no speed bumps in Indonesia, only “sleeping policemen.” (polisi tidur)
4. Indonesians don’t spend their time checking each other out, they go and “wash their eyes.” (cuci mata)
5. Indonesians don’t have “faculty” or “staff,” they have “fruit children” and “feet hands.” (anak buah and kaki tangan)
6. Indonesians don’t “throw tantrums,” they “run amok.”
The English phrase is derived from the Indonesian and Malay word “mengamuk.” The traditional belief is that “amok” was an evil tiger spirit that would posses a body and carry out horrific crimes.
7. An Indonesian is never “two-faced,” he’s a “sheep with make-up on.” (kambing dibedakin)
8. Indonesians aren’t “coy,” they are “shy-shy kitten.” (malu-malu kucing)
9. Indonesians don’t “get sick” or “catch colds,” they “enter wind.” (masuk angin)
10. Indonesians don’t have “beauty marks,” they have “fly poos.” (tahi lalat)
11. And an Indonesian will never tell you that he “isn’t feeling well,” he’ll say that he is “not of delicious body.” (gak enak badan)
12. An Indonesian doesn’t “lose interest” in his passion, he gets the ”warm-warm chicken shit.” (hangat-hangat tahi ayam)
13. An Indonesian won’t tell you that he is “tired,” but he will say that he has “five-watt left.” (tinggal lima-watt)
14. Indonesians don’t order their eggs “sunny-side up,” they have “cow’s-eye eggs.” (telur mata-sapi)
15. Indonesians don’t “go out” to dinner or the movies. They go “walking-walking” (jalan-jalan), which can literally mean any leisurely activity you do outside the house.
16. Indonesians don’t “get angry,” they “pig blindly.” (membabi buta)
17. Indonesians won’t say “they’re so cute I could eat it,” they say that they’re “gemas.”
Yes, we have a word for that urge to pinch or squeeze something unimaginably cute.
18. An Indonesian is never “single,” he’s a “jomblo.”
19. Indonesians are never “inept leaders,” they are “toothless tigers.” (macan ompong)
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