Matador Network's Blog, page 2057
September 2, 2015
8 ways you can end up on the no-fly list
Photo: Bro. Jeffrey Pioquinto, SJ
By Sid Lipsey, Yahoo! Travel
It’s probably America’s most controversial list. You can be put on it without your knowledge, and getting off it is extremely difficult.
It’s the federal no-fly list, a collection of names of people who are not allowed to board commercial flights into or out of the United States. According to leaked documents obtained by The Intercept, more than 47,000 people were on America’s no-fly list as of August 2013. That number reportedly includes 800 Americans, many of whom don’t even know they’re on it. The government sends no official notification to those on the list; many times, people don’t find out until they’re denied boarding at the airport.
A number of high-profile lawsuits have claimed the government unjustly added people to the list and blocked their efforts to have their names removed. Last summer, a federal court ruled in favor of 13 people who claimed the government violated their constitutional rights to travel by placing them on the no-fly list. The government was ordered to tell the plaintiffs whether they’re on the list, spell out the reasons they are barred from travel, and to give them a chance to challenge the government finding.
The case was one of the biggest challenges yet to the super-secret government list, but the veil that shrouds the no-fly list still remains.
“There is this black box procedure which operates purely behind the curtains and no one is able to part those curtains and find out what really goes on,” airline industry analyst Robert Mann explained to Yahoo Travel.
The government maintains that the secrecy about the no-fly list is necessary for national security. A potential terrorist can be tipped off that the government is watching him, the logic goes, if he gets a letter saying he’s now on a government blacklist.
“I think it’s like any high security process,” says Mann. “You don’t want to reveal sources and methods because knowledge of those sources and methods permit nefarious individuals to compromise them.”
Despite the secrecy, various court cases, news reports and leaked documents have shed some light on the process behind the no-fly list. Here are eight possible ways one can end up on it.
1. Being suspected of direct terrorist activity
This one may be obvious, but of course known terrorists end up on the no-fly list. The man who tried to bomb a Northwest Airlines flight in 2009 and the man convicted of planting a car bomb in Times Square in 2010 both were on the no-fly list (they were able to board planes anyway). Last year, the Intercept obtained a secret document issued by the National Counterterrorism Center that details how the government puts people on the no-fly list as well as on terrorist databases. It lists people convicted of or arrested for acts of terrorism, bombers, hostage takers, assassins, associates of terror groups, and others. According to the document, federal agencies can nominate someone for a government blacklist if “an individual is known or suspected to be or has been knowingly engaged in conduct constituting, in preparation for, in aid of, or related to TERRORISM and/or TERRORIST ACTIVITIES.“
According to The Guardian, the Justice Department has also said that authorities must have a “reasonable suspicion” that someone poses a threat before they put them on a watch list. However, civil liberties activists have argued that “reasonable suspicion” is extremely subjective.
2. Travel to the wrong country
Frequent trips to a known trouble spot can raise a red flag. “If you travel to certain places, the likelihood is you get more scrutiny,” says Mann. “If you travel frequently to countries that are known to be involved in terrorism or financial crimes, you do run the risk of having your travels alerted more carefully.”
3. Something you said?
There are numerous complaints from non-violent political activists who say they ended up on a no-fly list for something they said. Former Princeton University professor Walter Murphy told The Guardian that in 2007, he was denied a boarding pass in Newark International Airport. He suspects it was because of a high-profile lecture he gave that had been critical of then-President Bush. In 2012, Wade Hicks, the spouse of a Navy lieutenant, claimed he was told he was on a no-fly list. He thinks it was because of comments he made about 9/11.
4. Have a similar name to someone on the no-fly list
This is a common complaint from those who claim they are on the no-fly list unjustly. “If you have a name which is similar in sound or spelling or in phonetical interpretation to someone who probably legitimately should be on the list, you’re at risk for finding yourself on the list,” says Mann. He cites a friend of his who shares a last name with an Irish Republican Army operative who was active in the 1960s and 1970s. That unfortunate coincidence, says Mann, landed not only his friend on the list but also the man’s son — who wasn’t even born during this operative’s heyday.
In 2007, 60 Minutes famously brought together a group of people named Robert Johnson who experienced problems flying, likely because a man also named Robert Johnson had been convicted of plotting to bomb a Hindu temple and a movie theatre in Toronto.
5. Not becoming an informant
According to a federal lawsuit heard in New York this summer, four Muslims say they were put on the no-fly because they refused to spy for the FBI. The men’s names were removed from the list but they sued FBI agents for damages.
6. Clerical error
According to a lawsuit detailed in Wired magazine, a Stanford University doctoral student was placed on the no-fly list in 2004. After seven years of federal lawsuits, it was determined she was unjustly put on the list because an FBI agent had checked the wrong box on a form.
7. Law enforcement issues
Mann says you may not even have to be suspected of terrorism to get on a no-fly list. “In some cases, people have either open warrants or some other characteristic indicating criminal activity and then they find themselves on this list,” he says, even when the alleged activity has nothing to do with aviation security. Mann believes that’s a sign the no-fly list has morphed beyond an air security tool into an all-out law enforcement tactic. “This has mission-creeped into something that is much wider in scope than was originally intended,” he says.
8. Controversial tweets?
The government guidelines published by the Intercept barred agencies from blacklisting people based on information that is “unreliable or not credible.” But it does point out that social media posts “should not automatically be discounted” when deciding whether someone belongs on a blacklist. Agencies are instructed to “evaluate the credibility of the source, as well as the nature and specificity of the information, and nominate even if that source is uncorroborated.”
But don’t worry: chances are your tweet will not land you on a no-fly list. “Writing the TSA on Twitter with some negative comments about your experience at such-and-such airport won’t do anything other than get you a ‘sorry’ from the TSA,” says Mann. “There’s so many of those, half the traveling public would be on the darned list.”
The government, either via policy change or court order, has made some changes to the no-fly list that have opened up the process somewhat. But everyone agrees, it’s still a slow and secretive process. 
This article originally appeared on Yahoo! and is republished here with permission.
The funniest expressions in Hawaii
2. When everything is all messed up, things are definitely “hamajang.”
3. You don’t get hurt in Hawaii, you get “buss (bust) up.”
4. A Hawaii local never has a lot of something, but always has “choke” amounts.
Example: “Electric beach has choke turtles.”
5. A Hawaii local never travels seaside, but always goes “makai.” Likewise, a local never goes toward the mountains, but “mauka.”
6. If something is bad, a local will most definitely call it “junk.”
7. You might think you just got in a fight, but really, you got “in one scrap.”
8. A mainland mother might tell you to change your underwear every day, but a local mom will remind you to change your “bibidees.”
9. You don’t go to the bathroom to make number 1, you always make “shi-shi.”
10. Others will question whether or not you’re a local if you don’t call soy sauce “shoyu.”
11. Anything that’s a pain in the butt is most definitely “humbug.”
12. When your nose is runny, auntie might scold you to blow out your “hanabata.”
13. If your tan needs work and your pale skin is noticeable, someone might call you “daikon legs.”
14. Sitting on a hard surface too long or dealing with hamajang situations is certainly a pain in the “’okole.”
15. A Hawaii local doesn’t smoke marijuana, but smokes “pakalolo.”
16. Locals don’t ask if you’re finished, they ask if you “stay pau.”
Photo: Dawn 
French parenting skills
Photo: WiLPrZ
1.
Frustration is a good thing. Let your child experience it. That’s how one truly develop coping skills.
2.
Patience is a virtue. Teaching children to wait for dinner, for a parent’s attention, or for a teacher to answer a question helps them to tolerate delays without indignation or anxiety.
3.
Adult time is valid and necessary and does not have to be justified. It helps show kids that Mom and Dad have a life outside their beloved offspring’s constant demands. All of which teaches them about balancing needs (refer to number 1 and 2).
4.
Don’t cover for your kids. If they forget their gym clothes or the permission trip for the museum outing, tough cookies. Ditto on a bad grade, don’t contact the teacher even if the mark was harsh. Once they suffer the consequences of the little mishaps, they’ll think twice before forgetting or overlooking something more important. And it helps them get used to “real life”.
5.
Get out the bike, scooter, skateboard or sneakers and get your kids moving on their own. Walk to school, the supermarket, and sport practices. There is no such thing as a soccer mom in the Hexagon.
6.
On that note, stop involving your child in so many extra-curricular activities that he or she has no breathing space! French parents don’t tend to overschedule their children since they believe in time off and keeping family dinner times sacred. Equally important, they refuse to be slave to a child’s schedule and spend their free time in a minivan.
7.
Involve your children in household management. Taking out the trash, setting the table, and even planning meals are all part of a French kid’s repertoire. They are part of the family and can contribute.
8.
Family time is important. Even if family dinners every evening are not possible, schedule at least a few every week. On the weekends, even when kids are off to birthday parties or soccer practice, make sure to schedule a family dinner or lunch followed by a walk, bike ride, or time at the park.
9.
Speaking of family time, if you have several children, teach them to help each other out. Let older kids walk younger kids to school, serve them a snack at the table, or even help out with homework if that’s possible. It serves to solidify sibling relationships, ease up demands on the parents, but also make the kids more self-sufficient.
10.
The French are big on manners, being bien élevé is pretty much what every parent wants. Kids, whether they are shy or not, are expected to introduce themselves, say hello, goodbye, thank you, and basically behave at the table, even when surrounded by their friends.
11.
And although they’re expected to keep it together in class and at the dinner table, kids usually get a lot of quality time outdoors. Let kids have down time running around outside, at the park, for a family walk. It’s good for their health, their happiness, and their minds. 
How to piss off someone from NYC
We’re a surly breed struggling to live in the greatest city in the world. And don’t even try to tell me it’s not — EVERYONE wants to live here. Even if you love the place you are now, at some point in your life, Gossip Girl, or Barney Stinson, or some other cliche film/television show put a kernel of inspiration into your brain that made you think Frank Sinatra’s lyrics could come true (“If I can make it there, I can make it anywhere…”).
So you packed up your bags and found a shitty apartment somewhere in Williamsburg, where you pay about $1,700 a month to live in a hipster’s windowless bedroom closet. That’s cool. Welcome to my ‘hood. I was born and raised in this city, and I can tell you exactly the sorts of things that piss us off.
Walk slowly.
New Yorkers are perpetually in a rush. We were supposed to be somewhere 10 minutes ago, so when you decide to take your sweet time strolling along the five-foot-wide sidewalk, it really pisses us off. I know, it’s amazing to gaze up at those really tall skyscrapers, but after five minutes, they all look the same. If you’re lost, or feel like shuffling your feet, pull over to the side of a building and let us rush past you like we want.
Get mad at us for not “being polite.”
We might knock into you on the street without an apology, or we might not hold the door for you. But it’s not because we hate you, or want you to be in pain — this perceived rudeness in NYC is just understood by the locals. We might say “Sorry!” in our brains, but our rushed lifestyles prevent the words from coming out of our mouths.
Time is precious in New York, and every minute counts, including taking two seconds to ensure all is well. You call it common courtesy, but really, we just don’t care enough to be that verbal.
Disregard our public transportation rules.
Don’t swipe a cab from someone who’s been standing in the rain trying to hail one for 10 minutes. Don’t bombard exiting passengers from a subway car so you can grab the last seat on the train. Make sure your Metrocard has enough funds and doesn’t cause a disruption for other passengers trying to get on the bus. And don’t get on a Citibike unless you ACTUALLY know how to ride a bike.
Second to this is not keeping to the right on an escalator, especially during rush hour. I get it if you want to stand, but don’t be that asshole who stands on the left side.
Claim your bagels and pizza are better than ours.
This is sacrilege beyond belief. No one, and I repeat, no one can lay claim to perfecting these food staples better than we can. Even if your so-called “magic bread products” were better, I bet they aren’t as cheap as you can get them in New York, where a slice of pizza and a 16oz Coke can be had for $2.00.
Talk shit about our sports teams.
Okay yeah, the Giants and the Jets are terrible, the Mets are a joke, the Rangers are bullies, no one cares about the Knicks unless they’re actually going to a game, and the Yankees are pompously overpaid assholes, but that doesn’t give you the right to shit all over them while you’re here — especially since we’ve won a combined 5 Super Bowls, 4 Stanley Cups, 2 NBA Championships, and 29 World Series titles.
Whittle us down to a single ethnic group.
We have many Italians. We have many Jews. We have many Hispanics, and black people from all different countries, and I’m pretty sure we probably have some space aliens too. You can literally find any ethnic cuisine your heart desires in New York. We are not all in the mafia, not all Asian people live in Chinatown, and we don’t walk around the streets in crouched positions snapping our fingers to West Side Story‘s “Be Cool” (though it would be fun if we did).
Tell us your hopes and dreams and aspirations about living in New York City.
No one really cares that you came here to act, or sing, or start your own vegan macaroon shop, or exploit people on Wall Street. We all had our own exaggerated ideas of what it meant to live here, that were mercilessly crushed soon after arriving. It’s called the “cost of living,” and it will suck the life out of you. Your starry-eyed expression is just another jaded reminder that we were once dreamers too — except we know what it was once like to live without government-subsidized health insurance.
Make fun of our “New Yawka” accent.
While I’ve never heard anyone actually say, “Fuggedaboutit!” New Yorkers are totally proud of their insane accents (and our accompanying grand, sweeping hand gestures). Ahright yous guys, let’s get outa hea’. Wanna get cawfee on Lawn Guyland? **points and rotates wrists repeatedly** Hey — I’M TALKIN’ HEA’!
Annoying? It’s possible. But not any less than people from Boston, or Chicago, or Texas, or people who say “rough” instead of “roof.”
Talk about how dirty New York City is, and how much it smells like piss.
These are known facts, yet we all choose to still live here despite them. You’re not telling us anything we don’t already know, so save your breath and talk about something actually informative.
Deny us our bottomless, boozy brunches.
This bullshit came about recently, and let me tell you — we were SERIOUSLY pissed off about it. What do you mean, I could no longer spend three hours of my life guzzling down a magic fountain of sangria at Calle Ocho? What the hell am I supposed to drink with my overpriced Challah Bread Nutella French toast at Garage’s Jazz Brunch?
Thank god our boozy brunches are back to being legal, because New Yorkers were about to riot in the streets. That’s a hint, NYC Hospitality Alliance — don’t ever double-cross us again.
Say that your favorite place in the world is Times Square.
Actually this won’t really piss us off, it’ll just make us pity you. God forbid you step out of your comfort zone and travel uptown to Harlem. Yes, you are allowed to go there and enjoy it. No, you’re not allowed to say it’s your favorite place to be when you’re in New York.
Joke about 9/11.
I know it’s been a few years, and I know that people outside of New York are not as sensitive about this event, but within the city and outlying areas, it’s still very much a part of who we are as a culture. Everyone here is connected to that tragedy in some capacity, some more personally than others. The atmosphere in Manhattan on September 11th is pretty somber, despite the passing of time. It’s best to just not bring it up in a humorous capacity, sort of like how you’d never joke with a Holocaust survivor about taking a shower.
Complain about the homeless.
Even homeless people know that New York is the greatest city in the world to be homeless. We’ve got tons of shelters, community outreach programs, and stupid ass tourists willing to supply them with a steady income higher than what I made at my 9-5 desk job. You shouldn’t complain about these cultural icons, you should be asking them for tips on how to be as smart as they are in wrangling a living off of nothing. Or you should help those who are legitimately in dire need of attention, and make a difference in someone else’s life.
Get pissed off when we get pissed off at you.
Everything pisses off New Yorkers, so we’re allowed to be perpetually pissed off. The trees (or lack thereof) piss us off, bars without happy hour specials piss us off, and Mayor De Blasio pisses us off. The muggy summers, freezing winters, hot dog vendors, career dog walkers, garbage piles, people who accost us on the street asking if they can have “just a minute of your time,” hipster douchebags, socialite sluts, and more will piss us off. And if that offends you, get outta town because you’re going to piss us off even more.
But you know what? We live in New York, which is basically the capital of the world. People would maim themselves if it meant a chance to live in Manhattan. Be grateful you get the chance to walk the streets of this rigid grid. Your life is probably a lot better now than the middle-America farmstead you traveled from to be here. 
This article was originally published on March 19, 2014 
11 things Brazilians say when they’re pissed
Photo: DDW Fotografia
1. “Go chip yourself.” (Vai se lascar)
We say “Vai se lascar” when we can’t say “Vai se foder” (Go fuck yourself).
2. “‘I’m whore/male whore.” (To puto/puta)
This is the ultimate stage of anger. And it makes no sense to literally translate it, but it’s funny anyways. Puto and Puta are obviously women and men who sell their bodies for money, this part is true. But “to puto/puta” has nothing to do with the exchange of sex for money — it’s just the same word, but with a totally difference of meaning.
3. “I’m fried.” (Estou frito)
When a Brazilian is ‘fried’ there’s no chance in hell they’re going to get away with whatever it is they’re trying to do.
4. “I’m fucked and badly paid.” (To fodido e mal pago)
I think it’s pretty clear what this one means, right? When everything you worked for, all your efforts, all your time, stress and much more just went down the drain.
5. “It is to fuck the paçoca.” (É de foder a paçoca)
This basically means “more fucked than ever” and we all have our own way of saying it. We usually say “É de foder…” and then add whatever we want. I like to use “the paçoca” because it’s my favourite thing to say when everything is screwed beyond the point of repair and there’s nothing left to do but complain.
6. “Take mine and swing it.” (Pega na minha e balança)
Pega na minha e balança is a funny, yet efficient, way to tell people to grab your cock and jerk you off. And you can even say it if you’re a girl, nobody really cares. (Like a bad Christmas present, it’s the thought that counts.)
7. “Dick.” (Caralho)
This is the equivalent of ‘cazzo‘ in Italian. And it’s the same as when English-speakers refer to a sex act whenever something bad happens. We do it too, but we usually shout out the name of genitals instead.
8. “Cum.” (Porra)
And yeah, we also like to add bodily fluids to the pot too. Nothing expresses discontent better than porra.
9. “Dropping the ass’ asshole” (De cair o cu da bunda)
When something is so absurd that you can’t believe that it is even happening, it’s de cair o cu da bunda. We use it when there’s a bad situation but we’ll also use it just to point it out how unique and unbelievable something is.
10. “I’m gonna crack your face.” (Vou te partir a cara)
This is what you say when you want to fight someone. It’s very explicit. When we say, “Vou te partir a cara,” everyone knows what we mean.
11. And of course, “Go fuck yourself.” (Vai se foder)
This is the NSFW version. The meaning of Vai se foder is about as international as you can get. In just one sentence, it expresses all the anger, frustration that you can say in all the languages in the world. 
What only ex-New Yorkers understand
Photo: Nan Palmero
Spending 15 minutes putting together a chic designer ensemble to go pick up bananas and cereal at the supermarket, only to find that everyone there is wearing sweatpants and flip-flops.
Walking into your local convenience store and being surprised by the absence of Utz potato chips, loosie cigarettes, a deli counter, black plastic bags, and a tabby cat slinking down the aisle.
Telling somebody at a party that you’re a writer/artist/poet/musician, and them actually treating you like you’re special.
Assuming any cocktail on a menu for under $13 must be a typo.
Realizing that there are places where $11 an hour actually is a living wage.
Going out on the roof to get some fresh air and having your neighbor call 911 because they think your house is on fire.
Remembering the freedom you had to come and go at any time, knowing that the subway would be along roughly every five minutes. Now, knowing that your friend Aaron will be along in his dad’s Chevy truck sometime tonight, if he feels up to it, to give you a ride, but only if you can crash there because he’ll be too wasted to drive you home.
For the first time since you were five, actually ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’ when you drive by a field of cows.
Wishing you could see Dr. Zizmor’s obnoxious subway ads one more time, if only it meant a reprieve from those obnoxious religious billboards lining I-35.
The only drugstores in town close at 6 pm. What is this, Europe?
The only pizza places in town cut their pies into squares. What is this, Chicago?
In New York, walking for 10 minutes and being in reach of the greatest landmarks, restaurants, and attractions in the world. Now, walking for 10 minutes and still being in the middle of nowhere.
Hearing crickets at night and realizing they are more than just a TV comedy gag.
Going from casually spotting movie actresses partying at downtown clubs to being starstruck when you encounter your county commissioner picking up a pair of pants at the dry cleaners.
Wondering why this cold, white substance has been covering the sidewalks for more than three hours now, and whether you should be worried.
Training yourself out of automatically reaching for your keys whenever you go to get the mail.
Your mail carrier leaving a package on your front stoop, actually expecting it to be there when you get home–and it is!
Missing the way that creeper outside the subway stop used to whistle and yell “Hey, gorgeous” every morning, because at least then you had somebody to talk to on the way to work.
Being shocked when the ice cream truck actually passes by your window instead of parking there for all day, playing its annoying tune on a continuous loop.
Actually going weeks at a time only seeing people of your own race.
Actually using your driver’s license for anything other than getting into a bar.
Being able to walk down out of a bar with an open cup without getting chewed out by the bouncer–even if it’s just water.
Finally being able to travel because you don’t have to spend 95 percent of your paycheck just to afford to live in New York.
18 universal backpacker moments
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2. When people question your travel motives
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3. When you’re on that 18-hour bus ride
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4. When another traveler tells you the next place you’re going is overrated/too dangerous/lame/etc
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5. When your travel crush from a few weeks ago happens to be staying at your hostel tonight
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6. When you’re too hungover to leave the hostel
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7. When you’re very optimistic arriving at a new place, only to find out…you were wrong
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8. When you realize the last bus out of town left five minutes ago and you’re stranded for three days
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9. When you commandeer the hostel stereo
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More: What it feels like to study abroad
10. When your bunkmate is too talkative
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11. When you try to convince another traveler to go to the last place you visited, because it was so AWESOME
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12. When you’ve been drinking in the common room all afternoon and think you’ll actually make it to the club tonight
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13. When your hostel watches a scary movie in the TV room
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14. When the hostel has free breakfast
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15. When you’re trying to check your email on the foreign hostel computer
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16. When you’re the only two people in an eight-bed room
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17. When your bank account says you’re almost out of money, but you still have three weeks left
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18. When you finally find your favorite meal abroad
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Forget ‘hooked up.’ Use one of these 32 cheeky terms for sex from history instead
Photo: Lwp Kommunikáció
Not exactly sure why, but for many people it’s hard to just come right out and say, “We had sex.” We often settle for the vague term “hooked up,” as it’s sufficient enough to satisfy most prying minds, without actually giving too much personal information away.
C’mon guys. If you can’t say “We had sex,” couldn’t you at least be a little more creative? Next time someone asks you how your night with so-and-so went, give ‘em a sly wink and throw down one of these cheeky terms for intercourse.
1. Put the devil into hell (1616)
2. Play nug-a-nug (1505)
3. Fadoodling (1611)
4. Play the pyrdewy (1512)
5. Play at couch quail (1521)
6. Ride below the crupper (1578)
7. Play at tray trip of a die (1660)
8. Do a bit of giblet pie (1892)
9. Dance the Paphian jig (1656)
10. Board a land carrack (1604)
11. Go mutton-mungering (1897)
12. Be amongst the parsley (1897)
13. Princum-prancum (1630)
14. Play at rumpscuttle and clapperdepouch (1684)
15. Join paunches (1656)
16. Culbatizing exercise (1653)
17. Arrive at the end of the sentimental journey (1896)
18. Ride a dragon upon St. George (1698)
19. Shot twixt wind and water (1665)
20. Play at rantum-scantum (1667)
21. Blow off the groundsills (1674)
22. Dance the kipples (1796)
23. Have one’s corn ground (1800)
24. Horizontal refreshment (1863)
25. Pogue the hone (1719)
26. Make feet for children’s stockings (1785)
27. Join giblets (1680)
28. Give someone a green gown (1351)
29. Go where uncle’s doodle goes (1890)
29. Make a dive into the dark (1892)
30. Perform a jumble-giblets (1892)
31. Take a turn among her frills (1900)
32. Take a turn in Cupid’s corner and hair court (1900) 
September 1, 2015
Dear backpackers, please stop stinking. Here’s your honest review of natural deodorants.
Photo: Amelia Wells
How deodorant works
If you don’t know how traditional antiperspirants work, let me give you the low down: little pieces of aluminum plug up your armpit holes to stop you from sweating. It’s like a bunch of tiny, powder-fresh aluminum tampons for your funk holes.
Deodorant, on the other hand, doesn’t stop you from sweating but it makes your sweat smell like cucumber melon. Most stuff on the market is antiperspirant, but I use the two interchangeably (because I am lazy).
The problem
A lot of researchers say that the aluminum bits in antiperspirants get absorbed into the skin and can lead to breast cancer and Alzheimer’s. The feds say there isn’t any evidence to back this up. But who has the time to wait for those jokers to figure it out? They used to let pregnant women smoke and kids drink soda with cocaine in it. There are also a bunch of other chemicals lurking in regular deodorant that threaten to turn your future children into mutants and so forth. All things being equal, I’d rather take my chances with the natural products, thankyouverymuch.
The dilemma
Ok, so switching deodorants shouldn’t be a huge deal right? Well, as far as I can tell the majority of natural deodorants on the market are not meant for people who actually have body odor. I’m a real stinker and these dainty little natural deodorants made from the essence of four leaf clovers and shooting star dust just don’t cut it. Finding something that actually keeps me from smelling like a heap of hot garbage has been a real challenge.
The test
I decided to buy the best natural deodorants I could find and use them each for a week. I had tried enough wimpy deodorants before that I didn’t even bother with the usual suspects at Whole Foods. And I immediately ruled out anything that sounded too lightweight or fruity (e.g., “organic lavender lemonade deodorizing mist” — give me a break, this is my body not a Taylor Swift video). The winners and losers are below! Please add your suggestions in the comments section.
The results
Green Tidings All Natural Deodorant
When I got this deodorant in the mail, I imagined it was made at a cooperative in Vermont by women in flowing skirts and dudes with long beards. The obvious disregard for package design made me feel like they weren’t some unscrupulous advertising guys in zoot suits filling up their Manhattan office with cigar smoke thinking of ways to cheat me. They probably have a really generous paternity leave and a company CSA, I thought. Seemed like a great way to kick off this research!
Unfortunately though, it did not pass the crowded subway at 6pm test and definitely didn’t pass the dancing on a Saturday night test. I had to rush to the bathroom and fish out my travel size canister of Secret before I became the laughing stock of Latin Night. Not so jajajajaja, tbh. (Also it turns out that this company is owned by a mom in Orange County, California. So there’s that.)
Not recommended
Love by Herban Cowboy For Her
This joint smelled husky as a motherfucka. I don’t believe in gendered deodorant; “powder fresh” for women and “pine forest” for men is some sexist bullshit. Guys spend about as much time chopping wood as I do, they’re not fooling anyone. But to be honest, I was looking for something that smelled a bit more….delicate? It’s overpowering and not in a great way. It’s also surprisingly juicy although it dries pretty quickly.
I thought this deodorant worked okay, but by the end of the day I found myself sniffing my pits every half an hour and asking my boyfriend, “Do I smell bad or not? I can’t tell.” If you have to ask that question repeatedly the answer is yes, you stink, please go take a shower. I didn’t make it through the week with this one.
Also, one of the ingredients is potassium alum. Does that mean it smells bad, doesn’t really work and has aluminum in it? I want my money back!
Not recommended
Lavilin Underarm Deodorant Cream
Not only was this deodorant aluminum-free, but it boasted seven straight days of protection. DAYS, people. I thought I had finally found the solution to all my life’s problems – being smelly and forgetful is a really bad combination (apparently not much has changed since middle school homeroom when I’d suddenly realize that I had forgotten to put on deodorant again).
But despite my enthusiasm things went south really quickly. My boyfriend leaned in to give me a hug and reported, almost cheerily, “that deodorant isn’t working AT ALL!”
There is something about this deodorant and my body that do not mix a’tall. I smelled worse than I did when I just skipped deodorant all together (and that is saying a whole lot, believe me). I was so frustrated I actually threw this space-age looking canister against the wall. That part felt great.
Not recommended
Real Purity Roll-On Deodorant
This deodorant smelled like my dad in the 80s. Not in a bad way, exactly. More like in the way that a grown woman remembers being a little girl who worshipped her dad and gave him hugs when he came home from work, burying her face in his chest, and then is transported to that moment every time she applies stink-repellant to her armpits. It’s a strange sensation.
Real Purity kept me dry and smelling decently for some long trail runs in July heat. I just really didn’t like the smell to start with, so this one just didn’t make the cut. The real question you should be asking yourself is what the hell I was doing running through the woods in July.
Not recommended
Alvera Aloe & Almonds Roll-On Deodorant
This deodorant smells like clean! It’s nothing fancy or extravagant, just smells like a soapy shower. Even my boyfriend, who around this time had turned into my ex-boyfriend, said I smelled nice when I went to pick up the rest of my things from his apartment and we did one of those awkward goodbye hugs.
It seemed to stand up to all of my tests. It maybe doesn’t have alllll the staying power of a drugstore deodorant, so if you are heading out for a long night of dancing after a full day of work you might have to reapply. But my social life wasn’t really popping around this time, so I’m not sure (see above re: breakup).
Recommended
Update: This deodorant uses an ingredient called “alcloxa” which is supposedly an aluminum salt. I’m not a chemist, so I really have no idea. Will do some more research on this and get back to you!
DeodoMom
This deodorant smells like absolutely nothing in the best way possible. It’s totally unscented and only has two ingredients: water and magnesium hydroxide (I have no idea what this is, but supposedly it’s a “mineral safe to eat”). And the packaging is also so charmingly bland that I kind of love it.
I ran, I biked, I danced, I took the train, I went camping and stayed fresh the whole time. I got no comments out of my ex when I ended up at his house on a hot August day (I am so weak) because it literally smells like nothing. Just your skin. It won’t cover up already existent funk, though, so put it on when you’re fresh. And don’t judge me for trying.
Around this time, however, I started noticing some weird bumps. They weren’t the standard red bumps you get after shaving, they were more like small, fleshy stalagmites hanging from my armpits. They would appear for a couple days then go away. They didn’t hurt or anything, but they looked weird and I freaked myself out about it a couple times. I can’t say for sure if they were caused by this deodorant or if it was just an accumulation of all the different alternative hippie compounds I had been slathering on over the proceeding weeks. I’ll keep you posted…
In the meantime, I will Recommend this one. But can you let me know if you get weird bumps too? I’m curious.
Crystal Body Deodorant Stick
Absofuckinglutely not. This was the epitome of hippie funk. I started to smell bad about midway through the day, slightly and subtly. But by the time I was headed home from work, things had gone from bad to worse. I decided to flail around the train with my arms pinned to my sides while being elbowed violently by commuters instead of grabbing hold of the metal pole and creating any airflow to my stench. I just refused to be the girl that this deodorant wanted me to be.
I know a lot of people who swear by these crystal deodorants, but I just don’t understand who they are and is it just rainbows that come out of their sweat glands????
Not recommended
Truly’s Natural Deodorant
You could take all of the ingredients from this deodorant and bake them into cupcakes (coconut oil, sugar, baking soda, and ok, maybe not the beeswax but you get the idea). And coconut cake is exactly what it smells like: delicious and tropical and kinda weird for a deodorant. I wasn’t complaining, though, coconut oil is my religion.
Unfortunately, this deodorant didn’t last very long into a sweaty, dance-filled August wedding (which I went to by myself, obviously; going to a wedding with your ex is so tacky). I was extremely self-conscious during the Cha Cha Slide, which is supposed to be my moment of wedding reception glory, and had to rush off to the bathroom to clean my pits with a Shout stain remover wipe (it was the only thing in the bathroom). It was a low moment, friends.
Not recommended
Lafes Roll On Deodorant
Most of the other deodorants I tried in this review aren’t available in stores, and that’s pretty annoying. So I figured I would grab this one off the shelf at Whole Foods and give it a whirl. I am a sucker for all things vaguely Scandanavian, since they have a pretty good track record (Legos, Abba, the meatballs at Ikea).
Unfortunately, I didn’t make it through the week with this one either. By the time I started to feel the funk coming on about 2/3 of the way through my day, I was so beaten down by this deodorant experiment that I caved and went back to the Alvera right away.
Not recommended
Some other things I learned about body odor
Everybody’s body chemistry is different: so there isn’t one solution that is going to work for everyone. Be patient because it takes some trial and error to find what works best for you. If you want me to send you any of the barely used fancy ass deodorants mentioned above, just let me know. It’s not gross if we don’t tell anyone.
A detox is recommended: between when you stop using aluminum-based deodorants and start using natural ones. I didn’t have time to just sit around stinking for a couple weeks, so I didn’t do this but it’s probably a good idea. I did notice that I smelled the worst right after I quit traditional deodorants. It seemed to take my body some time to adjust to life post-aluminum.
Garbage in, garbage out: Supposedly people who have plant-based diets or eat super healthy don’t smell as bad as the rest of us. Maybe this is just another argument vegans use to make us feel bad about ourselves, but it very well may be true.
20% of people don’t even need deodorant! You either have the stinky gene or you don’t. And apparently some people don’t ever realize it because they apply deodorant obediently every morning and never notice. If you’re one of those people, for the love of Tina Knowles, please stop using toxic products if you don’t even have to!
Your body odor is natural, embrace it: Said nobody employable, ever. Ok ok I mean, yes, you should love your body and get used to all of it’s natural smells and rhythms. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. But I refuse to believe that even ancient people used to walk around the forest just stanking. Native people in Peru were performing brain surgery more than 1,000 years ago for godsake – there is no way they had totally unchecked body odor. Maybe they weren’t as obsessed or self conscious about their pits as we are, but some women were probably hustling leaves or oils or soaps at the market to keep the village smelling fresh. So be natural and do what makes you happy, but it’s okay if you don’t want to be that natural.
Finally, I would like to say thank you and sorry to all of my loved ones who endured some very smelly time with me over the last several weeks. You can start inviting me to stuff again, ok?
This article originally appeared on Medium and is republished here with permission.
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