Karyn Hall's Blog, page 19

You Might Be An Emotionally Sensitive Person If…

 

Emotionally sensitive people have some common characteristics even though they also vary greatly. The following are just a few characteristics to consider if you think you might be an emotionally sensitive person.

You have a rich emotional life, feeling your feelings deeply and often. Your day is filled with a wide range of emotions and you experience most situations with emotional response.

You might laugh and cry within the same hour. Sights and situations that others don't see as emotional can be emotional for you. Maybe as a child you worried about walking on grass, fearful that it hurt the grass. Maybe you worried about the teacher'sfeelings when your classmates misbehaved. Or when others were laughing at the chimpanzees playing at the zoo you felt sad they were in a cage.

You may sometimes keep your emotional reactions or the reasons for them secret because other people would not understand.

When others are upset, you feel as upset as they do. The emotions of others, even those of strangers, seem to affect you strongly, almost as if you were feeling the same emotion. Being around other people can be exhausting because you're "tuned in" to their emotions. Perhaps you've been told that you need better boundaries.

You really, really love animals.  You may gain comfort from pets and in turn give them exceptional care. Seeing animals hurt is very painful and may enrage you or send you into deep sadness.

You need to help others who are in pain. When you see someone crying, even a stranger, you will hold onto your concern about that person for hours. Maybe you will offer help or comfort. Ads in magazines for people in other countries who need help bother you. Passing a hospital may bring about feelings of sadness for people who are suffering. You may often feel upset that you should do more for others and visit those you love more often and be torn by also feeling that you can't.

You sometimes tolerate unacceptable behavior from others. Maybe you make excuses for people in your life who behave badly because you understand the pain behind their behavior. Or you don't want to hurt their feelings. Your emotional caring for them may even result in your staying in relationships that are hurtful to you.

You are creative. Creativity can be expressed in different ways. Maybe you do crafts, paint, write poetry, do flower arrangements, sew, quilt, or participate in other artistic activities.

You are passionate about injustice whether it affects you directly or not. When you see an action that you think isn't fair, you become upset and are often ready to stand up for the person you think was wronged. Some great leaders have acted heroically out of passion for injustice done to others.

You need time to refuel, regroup, and calm. You can only spend so much time in the world before you need to escape the emotional triggers that drain you. You may crave solitude to feel peaceful.  Others may need to be with "safe" people.  Still others may lose themselves in a busy place where no one knows them.

You are highly alert to the unstated emotions of others.  You often see through the emotional masks that others wear. You're often the one who knows when someone else is upset. Intuitive may be a word others use to describe you.

Nature is particularly soothing. Whether its a flower growing wild beside the walkway, ocean waves, fall foliage or colors in a window display, you notice beauty and find it soothing. Nature has been shown to be soothing for everyone, but in my experience emotionally people in particular are often grounded by nature.

Criticism and rejection are especially difficult for you.  Even mildly negative statements made by people you don't know well are hurtful.  You may believe you have let your family down if they criticize you. If a friend doesn't include you in a luncheon invitation you may feel rejected even though you know it is normal to have more than one friend. In fact, you may find that you feel rejected and criticized easily, by actions and statements that weren't intended to be received that way. Rejection by a romantic partner may be particularly hurtful, even when you aren't sure you want to be in the relationship.

The above are only a few of the characteristics that you may have if you are an emotionally sensitive person.  You may have some or all of these. If you are an emotionally sensitive person, I'd love to hear from you about your experiences. Let me know if you don't want your comments published.

 photo credit: Dainty Darling Photography

Knowing Your Emotions: Internal Triggers

 

Emotionally sensitive people react emotionally to most situations and often are quite aware of what triggered their emotions. Sometimes, though,  they don't know why they are feeling what they are feeling.

Consumed by their feelings, they don't think to determine the cause. However, identifying what triggered their feelings is helpful in knowing how to manage and accept the feelings.

If an emotion is justified, like feeling fear because someone looks like they are ready to hit you, then the emotion is giving you important information to act on. Taking action on a justified emotion is helpful, like volunteering to help at a shelter for the homeless when you are feeling sad about their plight.  If the emotion isn't justified, then managing the emotion so you feel less emotional turmoil or upset is important.

Thoughts

When consideringwhat triggers emotions, look at your internal experience as well as in the environment around you. Sometimes your emotions are triggered by thoughts that you have. That can confuse others because they can't see what is upsetting you.  For example, let's say you are very concerned about the homeless and those who don't have enough to eat. You go with a friend to a restaurant and notice all the food they are throwing out. You become very upset because you think about the people who are hungry and are unable to enjoy your lunch. You feel an urge to isolate because of the pain you feel when you venture out.

Thoughts about others' actions are often triggering.  You may spend time thinking about the reasons someone said what they did or why they didn't ask about something that happened to you. It can be easy to decide they don't like you or don't care about what happens to you. Sometimes emotionally sensitive people have high criteria for themselves as friends and may use this same criteria to determine whether others care about them. This leads to hurt feelings and lost relationships.

Thoughts about past events can also be triggering. A date on the calendar may trigger thoughts of a pet that died. Holidays could trigger thoughts of relationships that have been lost. Seeing someone volunteer could trigger thoughts of what you believe you haven't done to help others. Passing a church or place of worship  could trigger thoughts that lead to guilt.

Thoughts about the future can also be upsetting. Thinking of painful outcomes that might happen triggers emotional pain.

Emotions

Secondary emotions can be triggered by primary emotions. For example, suppose someone cuts in front of you in a long line to purchase tickets to a popular movie. Others might shrug it off or tell the person to go to the back of the line, then they're done with the incident.

You feel angry, but then you become frightened. Your anger scared you. Maybe because you know that your anger is more intense than others or perhaps because you've been frightened in the past by the anger of others. Maybe you're uncomfortable with anger because you have seen anger hurt others and you don't want to do that. You're likely to think about the incident over and over. Your emotions grow so intense you can't enjoy the movie.

Emotional reasoning can increase the intensity of your emotions. Emotional reasoning is the idea that because we feel something it must be true. If you feel like no one likes you, then it must be true. If you feel scared, then something bad must be going to happen. If you feel like you're going to fail the test, then you will. Accepting emotions as facts will create unnecessary upset. Acting on emotions as if they were facts can cause difficult situations and additional pain.  Imagine not taking a test you had studied for because you felt like you would fail.

Initial Steps to Take

The stress reaction that accompanies painful thoughts is damaging to the body. The brain reacts to thoughts almost the same as the real event. Learning to manage the thoughts and unjustified emotions

Once you've identified the trigger, you may feel some relief immediately.  Sometimes understanding what upset you gives your rational mind the opportunity to manage the emotion. For example, knowing that you are upset about food being thrown away allows you to remember that you volunteer at the food bank or that it isn't in your power to change the situation in that moment.

Remember that thoughts are just thoughts.  People's thoughts may or may not be accurate. Keep in mind that you can't be sure your thoughts are facts until you get the evidence. Look for evidence before accepting thoughts as true.

Remember feeling something doesn't necessarily mean it's true.  Or that it isn't true. Checking out the evidence is important.

Be mindful.  Staying in the present, not thinking of the past or what might happen in the future, can help regulate emotions.

Being an emotionally sensitive person can be a gift. Learning to manage the emotions so they add to your life rather than make life more difficult is an important step to take.

 

photo credit: Confetti

Knowing Your Emotions: External Triggers

For emotionally sensitive people, environmental emotional triggers are everywhere.

Emotional triggers are experiences that bring about emotions. Environmental triggers can be something you see, something you hear, something you smell or something you touch. Even a certain movement, like dancing or sitting in a porch swing, can bring about emotion. The emotions triggered can be from the past or about the present.

Some common emotional triggers are television/movies, computers, books, and friends.

Television and Movies. Television shows and movies are two of the biggest emotional triggers. Graphic violence or sexual content is often triggering. In addition, to create suspense, scriptwriters often hurl difficult experiences at the characters, putting them in horrible situations. What is entertaining and suspenseful for some can be emotionally painful for the emotionally sensitive. For animal lovers, movies that include harm to an animal can be particularly upsetting. Some people may find seemingly neutral content triggering though is not upsetting to others.  What triggers emotions can be different for different individuals.

The news is often emotionally intense, showing wars, murders, kidnappings and other tragedies. Reality television about hospitals and emergency response situations can create fear and sadness.

Computers. Sometimes emotionally sensitive people search for information about upsetting issues. Though understanding an issue is often helpful, sometimes the search is not about understanding but becomes emotion-building, like throwing wood on a fire.

Books.  While reading does not include the visual component that television and movies have, many emotionally sensitive people experience vivid images when reading. Reading a book with upsetting themes may add to someone feeling overwhelmed with emotion.

Friends. Talking with friends can be a trigger.  Someone who typically relates bad news or who focuses on dire events that might happen in the future may trigger emotional upset. In a effort to be supportive, some friends or acquaintances may repeatedly ask about sensitive issues, such as being unemployed or a child's struggle in school. While their intention may be to offer support and show caring, the result is they've triggered uncomfortable feelings. The emotionally sensitive may begin to withdraw because of the uncomfortable feelings that come from these conversations.

Conflict with others can be particularly upsetting to emotionally sensitive people, to the point they may experience a kind of panic when conflict occurs.  Sometimes they feel compelled to resolve the conflict, not able to stop talking or thinking about the issue, worried about the loss of the relationship. Others may be unable to function, perhaps overcome with anxiety or staying in bed with depression.  Another response is to avoid the conflict completely, deciding they do not want the relationship.  After the emotion weakens, sometimes they feel differently, but the emotional cost is high.

Choices to Consider

Whenever you experience emotional pain, whether it is triggered by something that happens in real life or on television, the brain reacts as if the situation were real. The stress of emotional upset is damaging to physical health as well as emotional well-being.  There are many emotionally painful experiences that cannot be changed or avoided, but it's helpful to manage as many as you can.

1.  Be aware of your emotional triggers.  Pay attention to what leads to your emotional flooding or discomfort. Knowledge of your triggers helps you prepare or even to avoid triggering situations.

2.  Take unnecessary triggers out of your life. Don't watch the news or other television shows that create emotional pain for you.

3.  Consider letting your friends know that you are emotionally sensitive. Gently let them know when you would prefer to change the subject or if there are topics you'd rather not discuss. They may need to be reminded even if they know you well and it's unlikely they would know all your emotional triggers.

4.  Use imagery to protect yourself. For example, imagine yourself covered in a Teflon shield. All the information that is upsetting and not important to live your life just flows off the shield down into a metal pipe and into the ocean.

5.  Consider carefully the people you choose to be around you.

6.  Remember to engage your rational brain.  Sometimes people who are emotionally sensitive can react primarily from their emotions. Making a point to step back and think as well as feel can be helpful in deciding to not get involved in a situation that could be damaging.

7.  Schedule time to self-soothe and relax. Find ways to give yourself vacations from stress.  Reading a magazine and sipping hot tea, getting a massage, or having a bubble bath are some ways to consider soothing yourself.

photo credit: ChrisGoldNY

Wearing Masks

The world can be a bruising place for emotionally sensitive people. A regular day can feel like being covered in biting, Texas-sized fire ants. A natural response is to do whatever works to avoid the pain of believing others have judged, rejected or left you out. Feeling powerless to stop injustice adds to the hurt. One option is to wear a mask and hide who you really are–anAvoidance Mask.  You know, avoid all the pain and protect your authentic self as well.

An Avoidance Mask is different from a Functional Mask. A Functional Mask is one everyone needs.  That's the one you wear at work when you need to look like you're in charge even though your daughter just eloped with a guy in a rock band.

A Functional Mask is put on for those necessary times, like when famous people don't want to show how sad they are so the tabloids won't figure out they're devastated that they were fired as the star of a movie or television show. With a Functional Mask you feel your feelings and are only temporarily shielding them from others. Having a functional mask is helpful but often difficult for emotionally sensitive people.  So sometimes they choose more permanent masks in an effort to protect themselves emotionally.

People Pleaser Mask.  The People Pleaser Mask means doing whatever it takes to make other people happy so they'll accept you and be less likely to emotionally attack you. When you have thoughts or feelings or preferences that are different from those of your companions, you shove them down or push them away.

When someone says your friend is a two-faced Neanderthal who doesn't know how to dress and belongs to the wrong church, you nod or don't say anything out of fear, terrifying fear, even though you don't agree. Then you feel angry at yourself because you were afraid. You can do this so often that you lose yourself and don't know what your own thoughts and ideas are anymore.

Mask of Anger:  Anger can keep people away from you and protect you from feeling vulnerable. Anger feels more powerful than hurt, fear or sadness and can be used to avoid those painful feelings. Angry people cover up their sensitivity in a way that few people guess that they are sheep dressed in porcupine quills.  Emotionally sensitive people who use the mask of anger are often lonely and feel worthless on the inside.

Happy Mask:  Another way of protecting yourself is to behave as if you're happy all the time. No one ever knows when your feelings are hurt and to the outside world nothing gets you down. Happiness covers your real feelings. You joke and smile even when the lady next to you volunteers you to host the next sit down dinner for the neighborhood right at the time you are expecting six guests from out-of-town.

Almost any emotion/behavior can be used as a mask.  Maybe you mask insecurity by disliking others or mask sadness by being the life of the party or mask fear by being perfectionistic. Putting on a mask is a way of disappearing–being invisible.

Masks provide some emotional protection in the short run.  But the costs of wearing masks are high. When you wear a mask, you don't really feel the warmth of belonging because others don't really know you. One of the most basic needs people have is to feel connected to other people and that can't happen when you are hidden.

Not only that, but you may wear masks so long you don't really know yourself or what you are feeling. Not knowing yourself creates a lot of anxiety because you can't make decisions and who you are is defined by others or how the day went. Avoiding feelings means you lose part of who you are and increases the likelihood that you'll be depressed or anxious. Plus it's exhausting to wear masks.

Dropping the Mask and Reclaiming Your Identity

1. Make the Decision:  The first step is to decide you want to drop the Avoidance Mask. This means you are committed to taking action even though it may be painful in the beginning. If you aren't sure, make a list of pros and cons–pros and cons of dropping the mask and pros and cons of keeping the mask.

Dropping the mask will not be easy and recognizing the difficulty of this task will help you succeed. Remember taking one step at a time may work best. For example, speaking up about which restaurant you'd prefer for dinner might be one initial step.

2. Focus on Awareness:  If you've lost touch with your own preferences and feelings, spend some time asking yourself what you really think and feel.  Keep asking and keep experimenting–it will come back to you. Consider keeping a journal, writing down what you liked and didn't like each day. Accept your feelings and trust that they will pass.

3.  Be Visible:  Notice if you have the posture of someone who is trying to hide. If you do, stand up straight and let yourself be visible. Begin to express your opinion and thoughts gently, with kindness.

4. Develop New Coping Skills:  Before you drop the mask, it's important to have alternative, more effective  ways to cope with emotional pain.  More about that in future posts.

5.  Face Whatever You've Been Avoiding:  Whatever your thoughts and feelings, they are your thoughts and feelings. Everyone has their own internal experience and yours is likely different from that of your friends'.

Accepting your internal experience instead of avoiding it will allow you to check to see if your feelings have any base in external reality and to choose healthier, more effective ways of coping. Facing the external fears will help you overcome those as well. Being rejected or criticized by others is not pleasant, but you will find out you can survive it. Take small steps, have support, and use alternative coping skills.

 

photo credit: pietro_C

Learning Acceptance and Finding Peace

 In January people evaluate their progress toward goals they made for the past year. Emotionally sensitive people evaluate themselves and wish they were different than they are regardless of what the calendar says. Change can be positive, but sometimes it's learning acceptance that's really needed–acceptance of who you are instead of judging yourself as unworthy and living in fear of being rejected.

Some societies don't understand the concept of judging oneself as unworthy. Our culture tends to be competitive, based on the idea that we have to be "good enough" to succeed, to belong to certain groups, to not be rejected. Many, many years ago being part of a group was necessary for survival. Belonging is still a basic need for everyone.

Mother Teresa once said that the greatest disease of our time was the feeling of not belonging. In a misguided effort to gain acceptance from others, some emotionally sensitive individuals repeatedly criticize and berate themselves. But criticism isn't a good motivator for change and often leads to the person feeling alienated from him or herself in addition to feeling "less than" others.  That adds more suffering.

Acceptance is accepting life on life's terms. Acceptance is also the idea of accepting yourself, with all your human imperfections. That means that instead of fighting your imperfections and your flaws,  you accept them. What's the good in that? Well suffering consists of the pain in life that you have no control over, plus the upset and resistance you have about that pain, which you do have control over. If you stop resisting or avoiding the pain, then you lower your level of suffering.

Emotions build on each other.  So if you feel worried and then you are angry that you are worried, the two emotions combine. Your upset is multiplied. If you feel worried and accept that you are worried, then you only have the original feeling without adding additional emotion to it.

Acceptance doesn't mean giving in to or agreeing with or being passive. Acceptance is the acknowledgement of what is happening within us, acknowledgement of our emotions, that they exist. Acceptance is letting yourself see reality without judging it.  Sometimes acceptance allows you to move forward. Sometimes acceptance leads to change.  Sometimes it doesn't. But acceptance decreases your suffering. When your suffering is lower, you are able to have a more open mind and a broader view of yourself and others. Options may be more clear.

How do you get to acceptance?  In his book, The Mindful Path to Self Compassion,Christopher Germer outlines the steps for acceptance:  aversion, curiosity, tolerance, allowing, and friendship.

Aversion is usually the first step.  This is our resistance to an uncomfortable feeling, our wish to avoid it, even when it's a minor unhappiness. We all have our avoidance behaviors, perhaps drinking too much or overeating or gambling or overworking. We may start to avoid at the first physical sensation of an unwelcome feeling, before we're even aware of what we are feeling.

Sticking with the feeling rather than avoiding is the path to acceptance. Mindfulness is what allows you to stay with the feeling, to create a pause so that you don't push the feeling away without even knowing you are doing it.

Curiosity is wondering about the mood,  trying to figure out what caused it, hoping that we can change it. Sometimes even knowing what the source is doesn't help you change the feeling.

Tolerance means that you endure the mood but wait for it to change, wish it was gone, resist it, perhaps even trying to force cheerfulness. Curiosity and Tolerance require energy and involve discontent in addition to sadness, fear, anger or whatever the original uncomfortable feeling. Keep in mind that for some, happiness can be uncomfortable.

Allowing means letting feelings be, come and go as they will without resistance, judgement, or making building them bigger. This stage brings peacefulness.  This is saying, "It is what it is."  Feelings will pass, though often not immediately.

Friendship is being able to see the value in uncomfortable emotions, perhaps the lesson that you learn from them. For example, sadness about a friend is part of our caring for them, being able to feel connected to others. In this stage you may even be grateful for the uncomfortable feeling.

Accepting  less desirable  feelings takes practice. Being mindful of the here and now,  trusting that you are safe, knowing that emotions come and go, and not engaging in avoidance behavior will gradually bring more peace to your life.

 

photo credit: ZedZap

Effective Change

 

Happy New Year!  Are you making New Year's resolutions?  Are you already blaming yo

urself for not being able to keep them? Wait, before you do that, let's look at how hard it is to make changes. Emotionally sensitive people in particular seem to underestimate how difficult change is, believe accomplishing tasks is easy for others,  and then feel badly about themselves when they don't meet the goals they set for themselves.

Most of us underestimate how much effort change takes. For example, many of you have a certain way that you hang your toilet paper. Some people believe the right way is to hang it so the paper rolls under and others are adamant that the paper should roll under.  If I asked you to change the way your toilet paper hangs, would you?  Most people would not. Yet we wake up on January 1 with no preparation and resolve to change our eating habits. We are disappointed that by dinner we've eaten twice the calories we allowed ourselves. The real surprise is that we continue to underestimate how difficult change is.

Reasons Change is So Difficult

Change requires commitment.  Sometimes we decide to make a change because we think we should or someone we love thinks we should or maybe just because we think it would be a good idea. To be successful with change, it's helpful to make a full-out, no holds barredcommitment.

Change requires energy and decision making.  When we go about our routine, we are on automatic pilot. We don't have to think about what to do. Much like driving home from work, the route is so familiar we may not even remember making the drive. Changing any part of our behavior requires being more aware. Being more aware requires extra energy and effort in addition to the energy and effort that is already required on a daily basis.

We have a limited amount of self control.  Most of us act as if we have unlimited self control.  We believe that we can decide we are going to do something and we'll do it. Actually our self control is limited.  Once we've used it up then we will go back to our old habits. Saying no to chocolate three times makes us more vulnerable to the next temptation.

We don't budget our time.  When we start out day, we spend our time as if it is unlimited. We don't really pay attention to where our time goes, we just try to do whatever comes up that needs to be done, thinking we can do it all. Actually, our time is like a pizza. There are only so many slices of time that we have available, so we need to use those slices effectively to achieve the goals that are our highest priority for the day. If you are planning a change in your behavior, budget time for the change whether it's time to cook and shop for different foods, time to exercise or time to recharge your self-control.

Steps for Success

If you want to make changes, and you've made a strong commitment, then consider these steps:

1.  Set a realistic time frame with small, achievable mini-goals.  Create a way to track your progress and celebrate your successes. Give yourself small mini-goals that lead to your larger goal and can be achieved in short time periods, perhaps a weekly or daily. The shorter time periods with celebrations of success help replenish your self-control.

2.  Think about what is really required to be successful.  For example if you want to get to work on time, analyze how you will be able to do this. Maybe you need to choose your outfit the night before and go to bed earlier. Maybe you need to drink less caffeine so you  don't wake up in the early morning hours only to be sound asleep when your alarm goes off. Maybe putting your alarm clock across the room so you can't hit the snooze button is an important step.

3.  Get rid of as much temptation to go back to old habits as possible.  If your goal is to eat less sugar, then get rid of the sugary temptations that are in your house or office.  If you have a favorite store for sweets, don't drive by it.

3.  Trouble shoot your plan. Once you've written out your plan for change, go back over it. Ask yourself what could go wrong. Then come up with ideas to solve the weaknesses in your plan.

4.  Commit to regrouping when you don't meet your mini-goals. Be kind to yourself and let go of perfectionism.  When you don't meet your mini-goal,  figure out what happened, and get back on track.

photo credit: MikeVC

The Power of Validation

December 10, 2011

The Power of Validation  focuses on parenting young children but also teaches how to validate.  The steps in validation are important for anyone who wants to improve their relationships or learn to validate themselves.  It can be helpful for families of individuals diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and for those who have borderline personality disorder.

 

Shifting Your Focus: Addressing Negative Thoughts

When negative thoughts fill your head, there are many strategies to combat those thoughts. Notice the word 'combat'? Fighting the thoughts that pass through your head mostly serves to enhance them, make them stronger.  The DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)  and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) strategies of accepting the thoughts and watching them pass through like a cloud floating through the sky or a wave rolling in and out works for many people, but there are still some who continue to suffer.

Negative thoughts are powerful.  In the book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, the author describes how animal can run for their lives and then after leaving their predator behind, they calmly lay down or sip a drink of water from a pool or stream.  Many might say it's because they are animals and limited in their thinking.  Maybe so, but their ability to let go of stress when it has passed is more adaptive than our human way of staying alert and living as if the danger still existed, wearing ourselves out physically and psychologically.

Sometimes our negative thoughts are about danger.  "Don't be an idiot," or "You can't even make a friend," may be about our fears of being judged or isolated.  The drive to be a part of a group is based in survival and is a basic need we have.  The fear of being isolated or judged not acceptable to a group is real. When someone has these thoughts, they are focusing on their own acceptableness (I just made that word up, but it communicates what I want to say).  That makes sense. Their negative thoughts are about real fears.

Focusing on the fear though just makes it grow.  If we think about our fears of not being good enough, over and over, in this situation and that situation, our fear grows and can paralyze us.  A different strategy is to focus on what you want to be doing. If you focus on the purpose you want to achieve, that can help you overcome the fear.  If you want to be a good friend then focus on what being a good friend means.  Call and check in with your friend because the purpose is to let the other person know you care, not to seek acceptance for yourself.  If you want to want to have knowledge about a certain subject, then read, attend classes, or ask for information.  Shift the focus from "I need others to think I'm smart" to "I want to learn all I can."  For this to work you need to wholly and completely focus on the goal you want to accomplish and let go of the self judgment and wishing your were different than you are.  This takes practice, lots of practice.  Sometimes you will be more successful than others. Be patient with yourself.

Shifting the focus to what you want to accomplish, the true purpose of your behavior is helpful.  Focusing on judging yourself and calling yourself names for not being the way you wish you were is not helpful and makes the situation worse.

 

 

 

 

When Family Members Struggle with Liking Their Family Member Who Has BPD

One of the most difficult feelings to acknowledge is one of not liking your loved one who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you have experienced these feelings, please know that you are not alone and it is a very difficult situation with many possible causes. How to manage these feelings is an important, complex question.   many different possible causes and options.

First consider what has led to these feelings? Maybe you can pinpoint the one thing that if it didn't exist you wouldn't feel the way you do?  Knowing the source of your feelings helps to clarify the options.  I think that is the first step.  I've listed some possibilities below for you to consider.

1.   Can you remember what your daughter was like before her symptoms became more dominant?  Can you separate her personality from her disorder? Because the disorder is so difficult and overwhelming, sometimes BPD becomes all we see even though if we look more carefully we can see the person separate from the disorder.  Maybe take some time and list the symptoms of BPD and then list the behaviors that your daughter displays that fit the symptoms.  Then write down the her  personality characteristics that are not symptoms of BPD.

If what you don't like is the disorder, maybe try to increase opportunities to interact with her when her symptoms are less prominent.  I know this may not be easy to do, but sometimes the disorder is so demanding that when someone is doing better families breath a sigh of relief that they can pay attention to other people and other needs.  Thus they don't get to experience the person who has BPD when s/he is doing well.

While absolutely normal and understandable, this interacting only when the person with BPD is experiencing difficulty sometimes leads to increased symptoms on the part of the person with BPD (not conscious) because they feel abandoned when they are doing better.  The connection with parents can become about discord. Feeling attached through anger is better than no attachment for the person with BPD.  This can be very wearing on parents and other family members.  If this is the case, then it is possible (though a lot of work) to change this pattern.

2.  Is it is a question of her behavior or choices being contradictory to your values?  If so, then is her behavior reflective of her values or her disorder? Do you understand the reasons she is behaving the way she does?  Understanding the reasons someone behaves the way they do sometimes helps us accept though not approve or support.  Is it possible to dislike the behavior but love the person?

3.  Is it her behavior toward you that is the final straw?  As a behaviorist, I believe that all behavior has a purpose, even when it is part of a disorder.  Can you identify what purpose her behavior toward you might have? What does her behavior toward you accomplish for her (such as increased contact with you as noted in number 1)?   After the reason for the behavior is known, then changes in the results of the behavior can change  the behavior.

4.  Are you experiencing chronic stress or compassion burnout?  Not liking someone we used to like, someone we've given a lot of time and energy to, is a common symptom of both of these situations.  It may be that you need to set more limits, give yourself more breaks, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.  Finding support that works for you, validating yourself and your own needs would also be helpful.  You might also evaluate whether you are giving too much and need to reconsider your limits.

5.  Could this be about sadness for you?  Are you feeling discouraged?  Are you feeling hopeless, perhaps like a failure?  Or afraid?  When you see your daughter is it painful for you because of your own feelings? It may be that seeing her brings up painful feelings for you and that could make you not want to be around her.  In this situation, taking a look at your feelings and how to resolve them or accept them might help.

6.  Are you constantly on edge, waiting for the next crisis? Are you attempting to control what you can't control?  This can also lead to exhaustion and resentment.  Sometimes having a crisis plan, so that it is concrete and clear what you can do and what you can't do could be helpful.

7.  One option is of course  that you don't like her. It may be that completely accepting that will help you. What you think and feel is valid and self-validation would mean not judging yourself for your thoughts and feelings. Then, remember that validation is not a communication of love or liking, just as it is not agreeing.  It is acceptance and recognition that the other person has thoughts and feelings and has a right to her thoughts and feelings, whether it is someone you love or someone you don't want to spend a single minute with.  I would say that every person in the world has a right to their thoughts and feelings. Maybe separating validation from love or liking would help. When you validate her thoughts and feelings you are not communicating that you like or love her.

Plus, validation of her thoughts and feelings could make your interactions easier which could lead to your feelings changing.  Or not.

You might consider talking with a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD to help sort out your thoughts and feelings.

Family Members Struggling with Not Liking Their Family Member with BPD

One of the most difficult feelings to acknowledge is one of not liking your loved one who has Borderline Personality Disorder.  If you have experienced these feelings, please know that you are not alone and it is a very difficult situation with many possible causes. How to manage these feelings is an important, complex question.   many different possible causes and options.

First consider what has led to these feelings? Maybe you can pinpoint the one thing that if it didn't exist you wouldn't feel the way you do?  Knowing the source of your feelings helps to clarify the options.  I think that is the first step.  I've listed some possibilities below for you to consider.

1.   Can you remember what your daughter was like before her symptoms became more dominant?  Can you separate her personality from her disorder? Because the disorder is so difficult and overwhelming, sometimes BPD becomes all we see even though if we look more carefully we can see the person separate from the disorder.  Maybe take some time and list the symptoms of BPD and then list the behaviors that your daughter displays that fit the symptoms.  Then write down the her  personality characteristics that are not symptoms of BPD.

If what you don't like is the disorder, maybe try to increase opportunities to interact with her when her symptoms are less prominent.  I know this may not be easy to do, but sometimes the disorder is so demanding that when someone is doing better families breath a sigh of relief that they can pay attention to other people and other needs.  Thus they don't get to experience the person who has BPD when s/he is doing well.

While absolutely normal and understandable, this interacting only when the person with BPD is experiencing difficulty sometimes leads to increased symptoms on the part of the person with BPD (not conscious) because they feel abandoned when they are doing better.  The connection with parents can become about discord. Feeling attached through anger is better than no attachment for the person with BPD.  This can be very wearing on parents and other family members.  If this is the case, then it is possible (though a lot of work) to change this pattern.

2.  Is it is a question of her behavior or choices being contradictory to your values?  If so, then is her behavior reflective of her values or her disorder? Do you understand the reasons she is behaving the way she does?  Understanding the reasons someone behaves the way they do sometimes helps us accept though not approve or support.  Is it possible to dislike the behavior but love the person?

3.  Is it her behavior toward you that is the final straw?  As a behaviorist, I believe that all behavior has a purpose, even when it is part of a disorder.  Can you identify what purpose her behavior toward you might have? What does her behavior toward you accomplish for her (such as increased contact with you as noted in number 1)?   After the reason for the behavior is known, then changes in the results of the behavior can change  the behavior.

4.  Are you experiencing chronic stress or compassion burnout?  Not liking someone we used to like, someone we've given a lot of time and energy to, is a common symptom of both of these situations.  It may be that you need to set more limits, give yourself more breaks, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.  Finding support that works for you, validating yourself and your own needs would also be helpful.  You might also evaluate whether you are giving too much and need to reconsider your limits.

5.  Could this be about sadness for you?  Are you feeling discouraged?  Are you feeling hopeless, perhaps like a failure?  Or afraid?  When you see your daughter is it painful for you because of your own feelings? It may be that seeing her brings up painful feelings for you and that could make you not want to be around her.  In this situation, taking a look at your feelings and how to resolve them or accept them might help.

6.  Are you constantly on edge, waiting for the next crisis? Are you attempting to control what you can't control?  This can also lead to exhaustion and resentment.  Sometimes having a crisis plan, so that it is concrete and clear what you can do and what you can't do could be helpful.

7.  One option is of course  that you don't like her. It may be that completely accepting that will help you. What you think and feel is valid and self-validation would mean not judging yourself for your thoughts and feelings. Then, remember that validation is not a communication of love or liking, just as it is not agreeing.  It is acceptance and recognition that the other person has thoughts and feelings and has a right to her thoughts and feelings, whether it is someone you love or someone you don't want to spend a single minute with.  I would say that every person in the world has a right to their thoughts and feelings. Maybe separating validation from love or liking would help. When you validate her thoughts and feelings you are not communicating that you like or love her.

Plus, validation of her thoughts and feelings could make your interactions easier which could lead to your feelings changing.  Or not.

You might consider talking with a therapist who is knowledgeable about BPD to help sort out your thoughts and feelings.