Karyn Hall's Blog, page 17
August 5, 2012
The Three Factors of Loneliness
Feeling lonely has little to do with how many friends you have. It’s the way you feel inside. Some people who feel lonely may rarely interact with people and others are surrounded by people, but don’t feel connected.
In general, those who feel lonely actually spend no more time alone than do those who feel more connected.
Three Factors Of Loneliness
According to Cicioppo and Patrick (2008) how lonely people feel seems to be a combination of three factors. The first is Level of Vulnerability to Social Disconnection.
Each individual has a general genetically set need for social inclusion and your level of need will be different from someone else’s. If your need for connections is high, it may be difficult to meet.
The second factor in feeling lonely is the ability to self-regulate the emotions associated with feeling isolated. This means not just outwardly but deep inside. Each person will feel distress when their need for companionship is not fulfilled. If loneliness continues over time it can become a source of chronic upset.
Chronic upset makes you less able to evaluate other people’s intentions accurately. You may perceive them as rejecting when they aren’t. Being able to accept and cope effectively with the feelings of loneliness, manage the feelings without becoming judgmental of yourself or others, and find ways to problem-solve will help mitigate the damage loneliness can do.
The third factor is mental representations and expectations of as well as reasoning about others. Feeling lonely does not mean you have deficient social skills, but apparently feeling lonely makes people less likely or able to use the skills they have. People who feel lonely are likely to perceive themselves as doing all they can to make friends and to feel like they belong and believe that no one is responding.
What a frustrating experience that would be and after a time that frustration may affect their mood when they are around others. They may make negative statements and start to blame others if someone criticizes them. Their loneliness may be expressed in anger or resentment, which often results in others pulling away.
Sometimes lonely people have difficulty because they view themselves as inadequate or unworthy. Shame about who you are will block making connections with others.
People who have been lonely for a long time may also be afraid, for many different reasons. Fear of attack by others leads to a tendency to withdraw and not share their authentic selves, though at the same time if no one knows who they really are they will stay lonely. Their body language may reflect the lack of confidence and misery they feel and their facial expressions may be uninviting to others, though they may be unaware of their body language. At the very time they need connections, their manner may unintentionally communicate “stay away” to others.
When people become disregulated emotionally, then they lose a feeling of security. They may see dangers everywhere. They are less likely to be able to acknowledge someone else’s perspective.
A Few Effects of Loneliness
People can be depressed and not lonely and lonely but not depressed. Loneliness, like other stresses on the brain, results in impaired concentration and performance.When people are lonely they react more intensely to the negatives experienced in life and experience less of an uplift from the positives. Chronic loneliness can lead to depression, premature aging, and health problems.
Loneliness is a serious, difficult experience.
Relief from loneliness requires the cooperation of at least one other person and the longer someone is lonely the less able they are to get that cooperation. Thus the frustration may lead to diminished personal control and a desire to escape the emotional pain with food, drink, unwise sexual encounters, avoidance, or accepting relationships that aren’t healthy.
Possibilities to Consider
If you are struggling with loneliness, there are many ideas to consider, including the suggestions below.
Identify the problem or issue if you can. Needing more people in your life is different from being able to connect with the people who are in your life. Being able to connect is different from being able to feel the connection and accept it. Sometimes the loneliness may be about needing a spiritual connection and relationships with others don’t fulfill that emptiness.
Consider physical, cognitive, emotional and behavioral suggestions to help you reach out to others.
Physically, work on decreasing your levels of tension. If the body is less tense you’ll feel less anxious and be better able to use your social skills and better able to appreciate the connections you have. Be aware of your body language and work on having an open, willing posture and a friendly facial expression.
Cognitively, be aware of the difference between solitude and loneliness. Being alone is different from feeling alone. Maybe learning to be comfortable with a certain amount of solitude would be helpful. Consider the assumptions you make about what being lonely means. Everyone goes through times of loneliness. Being lonely says nothing about your character or your worth as a person. Consider writing down the beliefs you have about being lonely. You may be surprised at the judgements you are making that have no basis in fact.
If you tend to be self-conscious and judge yourself negatively when interacting with people, try focusing as completely as you can on the other person. Make it all about them and take the focus off yourself and your discomfort. Set your goal to act warmly toward others when they are around you, not to make friends. This goal is in your control.
Maybe loneliness is a signal to do something differently. Perhaps it can serve as motivation to create a new activity or to travel or do find what you are passionate about or what has meaning to you.
Problem solve in new ways. What would you do if you weren’t lonely? What would add meaning to your life that is in your control? Sometimes part of the loneliness is not going to see movies or the new art exhibit because you don’t have a friend to share it. Think about not limiting yourself and doing the activities you want to do even though you do them by yourself.
Consider whether you need to improve your social skills, reduce symptoms of anxiety or depression, or allow yourself to be vulnerable to experience connections. If you need help in these areas you may want to consult a counselor or therapist.
Work on acceptance of others. When you feel lonely, it can seem like people are cold and uncaring. You may feel angry about your situation and the way you’ve been treated. If you can accept that people are what they are and choose the people you trust slowly and carefully, you may be more open and inviting to others. At the same time, being in relationships means you will be hurt at times.Acceptance includes not judging. Not judging yourself or others will help you be more willing to reach out and be vulnerable. Many people in all walks of life, with all levels of education and with all types of backgrounds are lonely and everyone is lonely at times.
Not being lonely means feeling connected, not just having people around you. Connecting means being open. Protecting yourself too much keeps the door closed. Stay mindful and in the moment. Being mindful means focusing on the here and now and participating fully.
Are there relationships in your past that you have let go or neglected?Consider rekindling those old relationships. If there have been arguments that don’t seem important now, maybe you could reestablish friendships lost due to anger or hurt.
Behaviorally, opposite to emotion action may be a good choice (Linehan, 1993). With opposite to emotion action you do the opposite behavior of what your emotion urges you to do. So instead of withdrawing or keeping to yourself, initiate conversations with others.Practice small acts of kindness that show your compassion for others. A card or a handwritten note when someone is celebrating or going through a difficult time is a way to connect.
Watch your body language so that it reflects your willingness to talk and connect. Open hands, eye contact, and smiles are part of communicating friendliness. Be willing to participate in small talk. If you are an introvert or focused on accomplishing tasks, chit chat may be difficult, but it is a way of engaging in most social situations. If you are invited to sit with others or invited to join a conversation (directly or indirectly) accept the invitation. People will likely extend offers about three times before they stop.
Finally, consider offering connections to people who may be in particular need, such as the elderly who have no family members who visit them. Working with pets can help decrease feelings of loneliness.
References
Cacioppo, John T. and Patrick, William (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature adn The Need for Social Connection. New York: W.W. Norton and Company.
Linehan, Marsha (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.
photo credit: A walk in adagio;
July 31, 2012
Healing Hearts of Families Conference
at http://healing-hearts-of-families-of-bpd.ettend.com/
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Conference Schedule
7:45 Registration
8:30 Welcome and Overview
Perry Hoffman, Ph.D.
8:45 Causes of BPD, Overview of Treatments and Medication
John Oldham, M.D.
9:45 What is Mentalization and Why Do It?
Jon Allen, Ph.D.
10:45 Break
11:00 Communication Skills
Shari Manning, Ph.D.
12:00 Lunch (A box lunch will be provided.)
Video: A Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: If Only We Had Known
Carl Dunn
1:15 Borderline Personality Disorder in Children/Teens
Carla Sharp, Ph.D.
2:15 Communication Skills, Part 2
Shari Manning, Ph.D.
3:15 Break
3:30 Our Story
A Recovered Texas Consumer and Her Family
4:30 Closing
Perry Hoffman, Ph.D.
Location: The Menninger Clinic: 12301 Main Street, Houston, Tx 77035
Cost: The cost of the conference is $75.00 per family member and $99.00 for professionals. Registration for family members is now open. Seating is limited. Registration for professionals will open on October 15, 2012.
We regret that due to the limited seating available, we cannot offer refunds.
Hosts: This conference is hosted by The Menninger Clinic and The Association for Evidence-Based Treatment of Mental Disorders, a nonprofit group dedicated to advancing the knowledge and effective treatment of borderline personality disorder. Committee members include Suzanne Robinson, LCSW; Meggan Watson, LCSW; Angela Tallo, LPC-S; Jim and Diane Hall; Jennifer Swantkowski, LCSW; Carl Dunn, and Karyn Hall, Ph.D.
July 16, 2012
My Friend Cam or How Technology Fools the Brain
You probably know Cam. He’s one of the guys on Modern Family, a television show that recently earned a second Emmy for best comedy. I find the series laugh-out-loud funny. But apparently my brain thinks the characters and I have a friendship.
That may be a not-so-good problem of these technologically rich times.
Television with images and sound that approximate reality, interactive computer games, movies, and talking phones that answer questions and make jokes may be fooling our brains into thinking we have social relationships when that isn’t the case.
How many of us talk back to the screen, telling the characters to not do something or asking them how they could even consider dating so and so? How many of us have lost our temper with Siri? In restaurants, when sitting with others, it’s not unusual to see groups of people at the same table, all looking at their phones.
Social Surrogacy Hypothesis
David DiSalvo, in his book What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite, discusses our relationships with fictional characters and famous personalities. He describes social surrogacy hypothesis: humans can use technologies, like television, to feel a sense of belonging. The definition of surrogate is one that takes the place of another, a substitute. Is that what soap opera lovers are doing when they isolate but can’t wait for their shows? What about online roleplay games that create imaginary worlds and characters with imaginary powers?
A research team at the University of Buffalo tested this hypothesis. They measured emotional reactions, belongingness, loneliness, rejection, and exclusion in response to descriptions of peoples’ favorite television programs. In one experiment undergraduate students wrote a ten-minute essay about their favorite shows, about programs they watch when nothing else is on, and then about an achievement they experienced in school.
After writing about their favorite shows, the students verbally expressed fewer feelings of loneliness and exclusion than when describing the filler television shows or the experience of academic achievement. Another experiment showed that that thinking about a favorite show buffered against drops in self-esteem and feelings of rejection that accompany the end of a relationship. Apparently, if you are broken-hearted, your television may be a good healer. This and other results suggests that “relationships” with characters on television programs can fill emotional needs of belonging and friendship: a psychological concept called “technology induced belongingness.”
Using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to show activity in the participants’ brains, researchers showed situations involving three different groups: family and friends, famous people, and fictional characters. The results showed that information about real people is coded in the brain in such a way that it elicits a “me” response, a self-referential response, different from fictional characters. So how do television characters and cellphones become our “friends”?
There’s much more research to be done to more completely understand. For people who spend more time watching television or a computer screen than with physical people in their lives, then relevance may be different than for those who don’t. The characters on television may have the most relevance and be the source they look to for emotional fulfillment.
The more people rely on these media characters and personalities for a sense of “connectedness,” the more their brains encode them as “relevant.” This may help people feel less isolated, even when they rarely interact with another person. Humans will naturally seek to get their needs met, however they can with the least amount of pain, and if that doesn’t happen with real people, then connections through technology may be the next choice.
Pros and Cons
Many emotionally sensitive people have withdrawn from socializing and may not see their family members. Relationships are too painful for some. It makes sense that they may turn to television or computers to meet the need for connection. For some emotionally sensitive people their need for social contact is greater than others. They may be more vulnerable to turning to the media to gain a sense of belonging.
If this alleviates the pain of loneliness, then that could be positive in the short run. But the problem may be that relationships through technology may take away motivation to find relationships with physical people. In a time of deep need, there may be no one to turn to. And those relationships are not reciprocal.
Other possible problems include an increasing isolationist society where there is little sense of community. Or perhaps the characters and personalities, the “peers” that people choose to “bond” with influence them in negative ways. But those are bigger discussions. My concern is how this “trick” of the brain affects each individual, particularly those who are emotionally sensitive and more likely to need a safe way to belong.
Awareness and Action
Awareness is the first step. If you are an emotionally sensitive person (or not), then take a look at your sense of belongingness. Is it coming through technology? Look at the pros and cons. You don’t have to give up technology but consider the value to you of taking a chance on relationships with people who are physically present in your life. A well-run support group might be a good start. Volunteering or a place of worship/spirituality might be other choices. Taking a class could be an options. Check out the alternatives and make a careful decision.
Note to Readers: My sincere thanks to everyone who has completed our second survey. If you haven’t participated, please consider answering the survey questions about being emotionally sensitive. I’ll be closing the survey soon. Results will be given in a future post.
References
Disalvo, D. (2011). What Makes Your Brain Happy and Why You Should Do the Opposite. New York: Prometheus Books.
July 1, 2012
Relationships, Respect, and Fixing the Fridge
The repairman came to fix the refrigerator. I offered him a glass of water, asked him questions, and soon we were chatting about his family. While we talked, I wondered a little anxiously when he would start working on my refrigerator, but I kept talking.
How long had he lived in the city? He owned a dog? Finally he checked out the fridge, but it was too late to get the needed part. He left looking happy but I wondered if my fridge might have been fixed if I’d been less talkative.
When we enter into interpersonal interactions (note this is interactions not just friendships), it’s helpful to remember what our objective is. According to Dr. Linehan, there are three main goals of interactions: relationship effectiveness, objective effectiveness, and self-respect effectiveness.
My objective with the repairman was to accomplish a task, but I didn’t even think about that. At the time I never thought about the objective of any interaction, so I reacted in my habitual way, which was to focus on the relationship. In truth he was a nice man, but I wasn’t really trying to establish a relationship, though I behaved as if that was the purpose of his being at my house. When he left I was frustrated. I’d focused on the wrong objective; if fact, an objective I didn’t even have.
For a long time, relationship effectiveness was my primary goal for every interaction. I didn’t think about or choose it, it was just my nature. That’s true for many emotionally sensitive people. Self-respect and accomplishing tasks almost never get top priority and that means sometimes you’ll feel pretty rotten about yourself and lots of important tasks simply won’t get done.
Becoming aware of your objectives when interacting with others can help improve your effectiveness in accomplishing the intention you have for the interaction.
Focusing on your intention doesn’t mean you are rude or unkind, just that you keep your purpose in mind and act effectively to meet that purpose. Maybe you want to maintain your self-respect. Maybe getting a task done is your priority. Or maybe you want to build or protect a relationship.
Many times you cannot accomplish a task, maintain self-respect and build a relationship in the same interaction. So if you’re not clear about what your main task is, you’ll feel like a failure because you don’t accomplish all of the three. We’re most satisfied when all three are accomplished, but that’s just not reality for every interaction. If you focus on what your priorities are, you’ll have a guide for how to proceed. You’ll behave differently if self-respect is your top priority than if your main goal is to protect the relationship or to accomplish a task.
For example, imagine you called your cell phone provider about a mistake in your bill and you get the bill changed but the representative seemed frustrated with you. You feel guilty about her reaction and question the firm, persistent way you talked with her. If you remember that you’re not trying to be friends with the representative of the cell phone company, that you were polite but firm in a business transaction, you may view your interaction differently than if you focus on how the representative felt about you.
Being aware that your main goal was objective effectiveness may help you judge your success more positively.
One of the most difficult situations is when you are sacrificing your self-respect on a regular basis in order to maintain a relationship. Emotionally sensitive people are loyal and don’t want to lose friends or romantic partners. The cost of repeatedly saving the relationship at the cost of your self-respect is high. If you cannot change that situation, then that could be a strong indicator that it is time to let the relationship go.
Making a choice about your priorities in interactions helps you clarify how you want to approach various interactions. For certain people you may be willing to occasionally sacrifice self-respect and may frequently be willing to give up accomplishing a task to maintain those important, valued relationships. Some tasks may be so important that you must risk a relationship.
As you go through your day, think about the purpose of the various interactions that you have. Consider whether you are accomplishing your objectives. Does your behavior match your priority in the interaction? You may find that you’ve been approaching all interactions without thinking of what your objective is. You are likely to be more satisfied and effective if you clarify that for yourself.
Note to readers: Please consider taking our survey to help us learn more about emotionally sensitive people. Your responses are anonymous and we’ll discuss the results in upcoming posts.
References
Linehan, M. Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: New Guilford, 1993.
June 18, 2012
Volunteering
When people feel alienated and socially excluded, they are at risk for depression and anxiety. When they think that they aren’t part of their community, they may use unhealthy ways to connect or not feel the loneliness.
The more isolated they become the more difficult it is to be around people or reach out. Some may believe that they have nothing to offer. They avoid people despite their loneliness. The more isolated they are and the longer the isolation continues, the more negative their thinking and the more entrenched the avoidance behavior becomes.
What type of healthy coping skill can help? It’s not possible to suddenly feel like you have friends or to find a loving partner. You can’t suddenly create a close family. This is the situation that many emotionally sensitive people who suffer from depression may experience.
Volunteering seems to be one of the best activities to overcome isolation and alienation. Volunteering offers a way to feel like a valued member of a community and provides important connections with others. Through volunteering, individuals see that they can make a difference in the lives of others or animals and are needed.
They are connected with others, feel valued, and may develop a greater sense of autonomy. People who volunteer change their views of themselves to a more positive one. They have an opportunity to learn new social skills and to practice those skills. There may even be positive results in the physical health of those who volunteer.
Depending on the type of volunteering you do, it may also offer a way of having fun. Maybe you could volunteer in an area that you are passionate about. When you are doing an activity that you find interesting, it can increase your energy and replenish your motivation. Some learn business skills that help them in their careers.
Volunteering can offer many benefits. What stops people from participating?
Sometimes there are too many choices. Too many choices can be overwhelming. Web pages listing local opportunities are sometimes very lengthy. Choosing one opportunity from many can seem too difficult. It’s easier to just give up, especially when you’re having difficulty concentrating anyway.
Change is difficult. I don’t think I can overemphasize how difficult it is to change your behavior. That law in physics that says that an object at rest tends to stay at rest comes to mind. People who are isolated tend to stay in isolation. The energy it takes to do anything different is tremendous and sometimes feels like it’s just too much to attempt. Plus, even though the status quo may not be pleasant, at least you know what it’s like. It’s familiar. The unknown may be worse. The unknown is frightening.
Fear can stop your best efforts. Fear of rejection, fear of not knowing what to do, fear that you won’t be able to do what is asked of you, fear of people–there are so many fears that can cripple your efforts to take part in an activity that will benefit you. Unfortunately, waiting for the fear to go away is unlikely to work. Overcoming fear of an activity usually means doing the action that scares you.
Fatigue keeps you trapped. Depression and anxiety zap your energy. You may be feeling chronically tired so that it seems impossible to be active in volunteering. You can’t move off the couch, how could you help repair someone’s house? Becoming more active builds energy and helps you overcome lethargy. But that first step may seem impossible.
Lack of belief and hope. If you don’t think volunteering will help, then it would be difficult to overcome the fear, lethargy or other concerns that keep you from trying it. Part of the viciousness of mood disorders is that lack of hope.
Perhaps you’ve hoped many times before and been disappointed. This is where making a commitment comes in. Making a commitment, a full-hearted commitment, helps you overcome the obstacles and is a critical part of any recovery.
Going through the motions will not work well, though if that’s all you can do, then that’s a start. If that’s where you are, remember to keep going to the point where you are actively involved in the activity you chose. Being fully committed is necessary to get the results you want.
photo credit: StartAgain
If you haven’t participated, please consider answering the questions on my new survey about being emotionally sensitive. Results will be given in a future post. Thank you!
June 6, 2012
Over-Apologizing
Have you ever seen someone walk into a room, maybe at a conference, bump into one of those metal chairs, and say “Oh, excuse me?” Or heard someone apologize because it’s raining? Or because someone else is sick? Maybe you’ve done it yourself.
The emotionally sensitive are often champion apologizers. They do not want to upset anyone, so they are hyper-alert to any insult that they might unintentionally cause.
They do not want conflict or upset and hope to keep relationships calm. Sometimes the emotionally sensitive will apologize in order to hold onto relationships whether or not they believe they owe an amends to the other person.
So what’s the problem? We could use more politeness in this world, right? Apologizing when you have done something to be sorry for or when you have hurt someone else in some way is admirable. But there are costs that come from over-apologizing. Dr. Marsha Linehan even included not over-apologizing in the skills she developed for Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
First, as Linehan noted, over-apologizing reflects a lack of self respect. Sometimes the emotionally sensitive care more about the feelings and experiences of others than their own, even when doing so means not respecting themselves. Apologizing for not loaning someone money who has not paid past debts would be an example of ignoring self-respect. Or believing that others’ thoughts and feelings are more important and valid than your own.
An overly apologetic style may reflect a lack of identity. When you focus on others’ reactions as a way of determining what is right or wrong, you are basing your value system on someone else’s thoughts. When that happens repeatedly, what you believe, your values, can be unclear. When you stop apologizing as an automatic reaction(unless something you’ve done violates your own sense of what is right or your own values) your values and beliefs become more clear.
When you apologize too frequently, you are likely to be discounted by others. You are more likely to be seen as inadequate or incompetent, someone who is powerless. Apologies can send out a message that you are a victim. If you apologize for the way the wind blows, apologize for practically your own existence, you are teaching other people how to view you.
When someone tells you that you are wonderful or great and does so too frequently, the words lose their meaning.The same is true for apologies. Though you may mean every word, others may get used to you saying you are sorry and not appreciate the sincerity that you feel. When you have done something that you truly wish to express remorse for, you may have difficulty. Other may not be able to distinguish the automatic apology from the one that is filled with remorse.
When you apologize too often, you may lose your sense of what you are feeling. The apology may become about the end result (having someone not be angry) and less about your your own feelings of guilt or remorse. You may ignore what you are feeling to the point you lose touch with your emotions.
Apologies can be a request for reassurance. Sometimes the emotionally sensitive are plagued with doubts and fears about their relationships and at the same time they treasure them deeply. To cope with their doubts and fears they apologize frequently, perhaps even unaware that they are hoping for the other person to reassure them, tell them that there is no reason to apologize. If this happens too frequently, others may resent the apologizer.
Apologizing when it isn’t appropriate interferes with relationships. Others become annoyed by the behavior for several reasons. The relationship may begin to seem too difficult to them. They may become self-conscious of their own behavior or see you as being too fragile for honesty. They don’t share true feelings or behave in authentic ways because they believe you can’t handle it. Thus apologizing too frequently could rob you of authentic relationships.
Over-apologizing can seem to others that you are making situations about you. That can be confusing because your concern is likely about the other person’s feelings.
When you apologize whenever there is an issues in the relationship, you don’t express your authentic feelings. Discussions may be cut short and as well as the mutual understanding that might have come from sharing personal thoughts and feelings. The experience of going through a stressful time while still valuing the relationship is lost. Over-apologizing can block true intimacy.
Sometimes you may apologize, even when you did nothing wrong, to save an important relationship. If this happens repeatedly with the same person, you might want to take a closer look at that relationship. Relationships that depend on you always being “wrong” or giving up your own needs and feelings are not healthy.
If the relationship is a good one and you rarely if ever need to apologize just to save it, then consider the pros and cons of doing so. The costs of losing a good relationship may be higher than the costs of apologizing though you don’t think you were in the wrong. In that case you would apologize with the greater good in mind.
Learning to apologize only when it is appropriate is a change that could improve your self-respect, your self-awareness, and your relationships with others. Awareness is the first step. Be mindful of the number of times you apologize thought there is no reason to do so. Consider counting the number of unjustified apologies you give in a day. Increasing your awareness will help you prepare to make changes. Notice if there are certain situations that you are likely to apologize for or certain people to whom you are likely to apologize. Maybe there are types of people that make over-apologizing more likely.
Sometimes just noticing brings about changes. Next, decide what words (in general) you might use instead of an apology. One option might be commenting on their experience, such as “That must have been sad,” instead of “I’m so sorry.” Try using validation of others, as discussed in previous posts.
Be careful of all or none thinking. Stopping the behavior of over-apologizing doesn’t mean that you don’t apologize when it is appropriate.
Remember that changing a pattern of behavior takes time. Being anxious about the change is normal. You won’t be perfect in keeping your commitment to change. Be gentle with yourself.
Finally, be wise about making changes. If you are in a situation where changing your behavior could be dangerous to you, then do not change your behavior. Any changes you make in those situations should be made with the guidance of a therapist or other expert.
References
Linehan, M.(1993 ) Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: New Guilford.
photo credit: TBradleyDean
Have you ever seen someone walk into a room, maybe at a ...
Have you ever seen someone walk into a room, maybe at a conference, bump into one of those metal chairs, and say “Oh, excuse me?” Or heard someone apologize because it’s raining? Or because someone else is sick? Maybe you’ve done it yourself.
The emotionally sensitive are often champion apologizers. They do not want to upset anyone, so they are hyper-alert to any insult that they might unintentionally cause.
They do not want conflict or upset and hope to keep relationships calm. Sometimes the emotionally sensitive will apologize in order to hold onto relationships whether or not they believe they owe an amends to the other person.
So what’s the problem? We could use more politeness in this world, right? Apologizing when you have done something to be sorry for or when you have hurt someone else in some way is admirable. But there are costs that come from over-apologizing. Dr. Marsha Linehan even included not over-apologizing in the skills she developed for Dialectical Behavior Therapy.
First, as Linehan noted, over-apologizing reflects a lack of self respect. Sometimes the emotionally sensitive care more about the feelings and experiences of others than their own, even when doing so means not respecting themselves. Apologizing for not loaning someone money who has not paid past debts would be an example of ignoring self-respect. Or believing that others’ thoughts and feelings are more important and valid than your own.
An overly apologetic style may reflect a lack of identity. When you focus on others’ reactions as a way of determining what is right or wrong, you are basing your value system on someone else’s thoughts. When that happens repeatedly, what you believe, your values, can be unclear. When you stop apologizing as an automatic reaction(unless something you’ve done violates your own sense of what is right or your own values) your values and beliefs become more clear.
When you apologize too frequently, you are likely to be discounted by others. You are more likely to be seen as inadequate or incompetent, someone who is powerless. Apologies can send out a message that you are a victim. If you apologize for the way the wind blows, apologize for practically your own existence, you are teaching other people how to view you.
When someone tells you that you are wonderful or great and does so too frequently, the words lose their meaning.The same is true for apologies. Though you may mean every word, others may get used to you saying you are sorry and not appreciate the sincerity that you feel. When you have done something that you truly wish to express remorse for, you may have difficulty. Other may not be able to distinguish the automatic apology from the one that is filled with remorse.
When you apologize too often, you may lose your sense of what you are feeling. The apology may become about the end result (having someone not be angry) and less about your your own feelings of guilt or remorse. You may ignore what you are feeling to the point you lose touch with your emotions.
Apologies can be a request for reassurance. Sometimes the emotionally sensitive are plagued with doubts and fears about their relationships and at the same time they treasure them deeply. To cope with their doubts and fears they apologize frequently, perhaps even unaware that they are hoping for the other person to reassure them, tell them that there is no reason to apologize. If this happens too frequently, others may resent the apologizer.
Apologizing when it isn’t appropriate interferes with relationships. Others become annoyed by the behavior for several reasons. The relationship may begin to seem too difficult to them. They may become self-conscious of their own behavior or see you as being too fragile for honesty. They don’t share true feelings or behave in authentic ways because they believe you can’t handle it. Thus apologizing too frequently could rob you of authentic relationships.
Over-apologizing can seem to others that you are making situations about you. That can be confusing because your concern is likely about the other person’s feelings.
When you apologize whenever there is an issues in the relationship, you don’t express your authentic feelings. Discussions may be cut short and as well as the mutual understanding that might have come from sharing personal thoughts and feelings. The experience of going through a stressful time while still valuing the relationship is lost. Over-apologizing can block true intimacy.
Sometimes you may apologize, even when you did nothing wrong, to save an important relationship. If this happens repeatedly with the same person, you might want to take a closer look at that relationship. Relationships that depend on you always being “wrong” or giving up your own needs and feelings are not healthy.
If the relationship is a good one and you rarely if ever need to apologize just to save it, then consider the pros and cons of doing so. The costs of losing a good relationship may be higher than the costs of apologizing though you don’t think you were in the wrong. In that case you would apologize with the greater good in mind.
Learning to apologize only when it is appropriate is a change that could improve your self-respect, your self-awareness, and your relationships with others. Awareness is the first step. Be mindful of the number of times you apologize thought there is no reason to do so. Consider counting the number of unjustified apologies you give in a day. Increasing your awareness will help you prepare to make changes. Notice if there are certain situations that you are likely to apologize for or certain people to whom you are likely to apologize. Maybe there are types of people that make over-apologizing more likely.
Sometimes just noticing brings about changes. Next, decide what words (in general) you might use instead of an apology. One option might be commenting on their experience, such as “That must have been sad,” instead of “I’m so sorry.” Try using validation of others, as discussed in previous posts.
Be careful of all or none thinking. Stopping the behavior of over-apologizing doesn’t mean that you don’t apologize when it is appropriate.
Remember that changing a pattern of behavior takes time. Being anxious about the change is normal. You won’t be perfect in keeping your commitment to change. Be gentle with yourself.
Finally, be wise about making changes. If you are in a situation where changing your behavior could be dangerous to you, then do not change your behavior. Any changes you make in those situations should be made with the guidance of a therapist or other expert.
References
Linehan, M.(1993 ) Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: New Guilford.
photo credit: TBradleyDean
May 27, 2012
The Complexity of Emotions Viewed Through Equations
Having multiple tools for managing emotions is important for the emotionally sensitive. Different strategies will work for different people at different times in different situations. One way of understanding emotions is through considering them in equation form.
In his book Emotional Equations Chip Conley describes how understanding the connections between your primary emotions, rather than identifying individual emotions, can help you understand yourself, your purpose and your relationships with others.
Conley explains that emotional equations are like grown-up finger painting. If you mix two primary colors, like red and yellow, you get a secondary color, like orange. He notes that primary emotions work together to create secondary and even tertiary emotions. An emotional equation is like having a reminder of how emotions are related to one another and to thoughts and perceptions. An example of an emotional equation is:
Disappointment = Expectations – Reality.
Being aware of the way emotions come about and their contributing factors helps us make choices about our responses and how to manage the emotions. Conley quotes Victor Frankl who said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” One way we get that space or pause is from mindfulness.
According to Conley, Matt Lieberman has shown that we temporarily lose 10 – 15 points of our IQ when we are emotional. That is not good news for making decisions. Decreasing the intensity of your emotions to make wise choices is clearly important. The best initial action you can take when feeling emotional is to label your emotion. Just the act of labeling helps your logical brain kick back in gear. Emotional equations help us to label complex interactions of our emotions.
In working through the above equation for disappointment, Conley suggests first determining whether you are experiencing frustration or disappointment. In most situations, you are likely to experience a lot of frustration before moving into disappointment. Frustration would mean you still believe you can influence the outcome.
If that is the case, the response called for is determination and perseverance. The action indicated by frustration is to move forward while the action indicated for disappointment is to retreat. If the outcome is fixed, already clear, then the emotion would be disappointment and the best decision is to accept the disappointment and move on to a different project or task. Perhaps a difficulty for many in letting go is in accepting disappointment. But staying in frustration when the outcome is clear is to create suffering. That would be not accepting reality.
When it becomes evident that an outcome may not be what you expected, a way of coping and letting go may be to lower your expectations. You may want to give information to others as well so that they can lower their expectations, which will likely help you accept the outcome with less upset. Delaying giving the information to others will likely make the situation worse in most cases.
Consider this equation for jealousy:
Jealousy = Mistrust divided by Self-Esteem.
Jealousy is the fear of losing something that one has to someone else, often in a romantic situation. The less you trust your partner, the more likely you are to be jealous. Studies have shown that people believed the world was a dangerous place were less trusting than people who were by nature cooperative, trusting and compassionate.
Trust also is based on more personal issues than a world view, such as does your partner tell you the truth and stand by you when times are tough? Has your partner cheated before? Have you cheated? Those who have cheated are more likely to be able to imagine being cheated on.
Self-esteem is part of feeling jealous. The better you feel about yourself and who you are the less jealous you are likely to be.
Conley shows the relationship between suffering and despair as
Despair = Suffering – Meaning.
Finding meaning seems to sooth suffering and lessen the experience of despair. Right-brained individuals may find meaning through expressing themselves verbally. Left-brainers may work better with writing. But both can transcend suffering by developing a narrative or theme that helps them see how their experience was a learning experience or otherwise had meaning for them, such as a lesson to take away from the experience.
The meaning may also be more concrete. What is it that life expects from you right now? Do you need to be a role model for your children or family? How can you help others focus on the meaning and not on the bad news or other reason for suffering?
You may find meaning through describing the way you have grown from the experiences you have had. Consider adjectives that describe new habits or behaviors that you have gained.
Conley’s equations remind us that emotions do not often exist in isolation. Understanding the ways emotions combine and affect each other helps us know how to cope.
To create your own emotional equations, watch Conley’s TED talk or learn more about his work, go to http://www.emotionalequations.com/.
Reference
Conley, C. (2012) Emotional Equations:Simple Truths for Creating Happiness + Success. New York: Free Press.
cc photo credit: mfhiat
May 18, 2012
Right Brain Skills: Valuing Emotional Sensitivity
Being emotionally sensitive has advantages and challenges. The challenges include overcoming stereotypes of others that affect your performance and self-confidence, and living with the ache that comes from feeling that you are walking around raw, with no armor against emotional pain.
The good news is science is learning more and more about brain differences and how to make behavioral changes to cope effectively with intense emotions. When you’re able to cope with the pain in adaptive ways, you are better able to enjoy the gifts of being emotionally sensitive. In addition, our culture may be on the cusp of giving greater value to skills that are predominantly right-brained based.
Daniel Pink states in his book, A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future, that our culture has been focused on logical, computer-like capabilities (primarily left brain activities) for some time. This focus on facts, programming and numbers has also meant a devaluing of skills that are often the strengths of the emotionally sensitive–empathy, making meaning, consoling, caretaking, awareness of undercurrents in interpersonal interactions and creativity.
But according to Pink, change is coming and these right-brain qualities will be in demand in the future.
L-Directing Thinking and R-Directed Thinking
Pink describes two types of thinking. One is L-Directed Thinking, which is characteristic of the left hemisphere of the brain. This type of thinking is sequential, literal, and analytic. He labelled the other type as R-Directed Thinking. This type is characteristic of the right hemisphere and is simultaneous, metaphorical, aesthetic, and contextual. Pink notes that both approaches are necessary to build productive lives and societies, and that the devaluation of R-Directed thinking is fading.
Reasons For the Coming Emphasis on R-Directed Thinking
There are several reasons Pink believes this change is coming. The first is the abundance of material goods that our society produces. There is not just one type of computer, there are many styles and models. Choices abound with clothing, shoes, furniture and other goods that we use on a daily basis. The result is that our choices are not based on having products that are functional or reasonably priced–it’s now about design.
Design means utility and significance. Utility means easy to use and significance means beauty as well as functionality. And design is art, the purview of R-Directed Thinking.
Steve Jobs was famous for his emphasis on design. He believed appearance and utility were critical, even for the box holding the products. Many attribute part of the success of Apple to his emphasis on design.
A second reason Pink gives that R-Directed Thinking will be more valued is outsourcing. Companies are outsourcing many programming, accounting, and legal research jobs to foreign countries. Skills such as forging relationships, creative problem solving, and seeing a big picture cannot be easily outsourced. Such skills are typically strengths of the emotionally sensitive.
A third reason is automation. Computers are performing more and more tasks that humans used to do. But computers can’t effectively provide counseling, mediation, or perform other R-Directed tasks.
Pink believes that we’ve progressed from a society of farmers to a society of factory workers to a society of knowledge workers. Now we’re progressing again, to a society of creators and empathizers, pattern recognizers and meaning makers.
Six R-Directed Aptitudes
Pink offers six essential R-Directed aptitudes: Design, Story, Symphony, Play, Empathy, and Meaning.
When facts are instantly available, as they are now, what matters more is the ability to place these facts in context and to deliver them with emotional impact. Telling a story helps people remember information and understand its significance.
Emotional impact motivates people to act on the information given. Being a good storyteller means connecting with the audience, making it meaningful for them and creating emotion about the story. Story telling or narrative has become a part of medicine (listening and understanding what the patient is saying), sales, and other fields. Emotionally sensitive people often have these skills.
Symphony is the ability to synthesize, to put together pieces of information into a whole and to detect patterns. Empathy is essential for living a life with meaning and for effective building of work and personal relationships. Play or humor reduces hostility, relieves tension, improves morale and helps communicate difficult messages. Meaning is about having your actions serve a greater purpose and make a contribution.
A culture based on both L-directed and R-directed thinking may prove to be more satisfying for most people, not just the emotionally sensitive.
Note to Readers: My sincere thanks to everyone who has completed our second survey. If you haven’t participated, please consider answering the questions on our new survey about being emotionally sensitive. Results will be given in a future post.
May 5, 2012
Accepting Your Tears
Many people don’t like crying. They fight tears, hate their tears and hide their tears. Adults and sometimes children are told not to be crybabies. People who cry are often judged as weak and out of control. Emotionally sensitive people may be told that they cry “all the time” and may judge themselves negatively as a result. So let’s check the evidence. Is it true that tears are a sign of weakness?
Tears can be a signal of cooperation and vulnerability. Tears handicap aggressive actions, as noted by Orren Hasson, in an article on emotional tears as biological signals. It’s hard to fight when you can’t see well. Tears signal to others that you don’t want to fight; perhaps this is the root of the belief that crying makes you weak?
In modern society, fighting is not the most desired social skill. Building a life of contentment requires cooperation and a willingness to be vulnerable in relationships. Tears signal a vulnerability that is authentic and powerful.
When watching someone cry, others may cry in empathy. Allowing tears means the walls are down and the person is undefended. It is an opportunity for intimacy. It’s a signal that something of importance is taking place. Tears are very difficult to fake, so they’re often a sign of honesty to others.
Tears signal a need for help and comfort. Universally people recognize tears as a sign of distress. In earlier times, this may have been seen as a sign of weakness. In today’s world, it is a way of communicating upset. It’s usually effective as most people have a natural response to offer help or comfort to someone who is crying.
Tears communicate different emotions. People laugh until they cry and cry for joy as well as fear, sorrow, and sadness. Some cry when they are angry.
William Frey, a biochemist who wrote Crying: The Mystery of Tears, conducted a survey which showed that sadness accounts for 49 percent of people’s tears, happiness 21 percent, anger 10 percent, fear or anxiety 9 percent and sympathy 7 percent.
Sometimes crying occurs when we cannot put overwhelming feelings into words. Tears can supplant articulation.
Tears may help relieve stress. Emotional tears contain manganese and proteins, including the stress hormones prolactin and adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). But the amounts aren’t enough to explain why people feel better after crying. Frey discovered that not only do people cry hormones out but also cry hormones in. He found that the neurotransmitter leucineenkephalin (a natural opiate-like substance that reduces pain) is released in the brain when people weep.
Crying may bring us back into emotional equilibrium. The autonomic nervous system controls involuntary activities like breathing and kidney function and it is divided into the parasympathetic and sympathetic systems. The sympathetic is responsible for preparing us for action: physically, emotionally and mentally. The parasympathetic returns the heart rate, hormones and neurotransmitters to normal. Tears are believed to be a part of the parasympathetic system and a part of returning to normal. Thus often people may sometimes find themselves crying after a difficult event rather than during. Tears seem to be a way people calm themselves.
Is there an average amount of crying? Frey says the the frequency of crying in healthy individuals ranges from zero to seven episodes per month for men and from zero to twenty-nine episodes per month for women. The average is 1.4 times per month for men and 5. 3 times a month for women.
Do women cry more or differently than men? Fully half the men surveyed said they never cry but only 6 percent of the women did. Women’s crying doesn’t necessarily correlate with their hormone levels and those who are depressed don’t necessarily cry more than others.
The tear glands of the sexes are structurally different leading women to cry more profusely than men according to Louann Brizedine, a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California. And whereas men tend to tear up and cry quietly to themselves, women’s weeping is a much noisier and visible event.
Crying is about attachment and social communication. Crying can be a signal that some aspect of a relationship is in jeopardy. Between two people in conflict it can be a need for reassurance. Tears handicapping aggressive actions and signal a need for help or submission.
In a relationship, tears may show trust. Being willing to cry with someone and be comforted means feeling safe with the other person. It can be about bonding, like when a couple cries when they get married or when their baby is born.
Tears seem to be about a powerful connection between thought and emotion, a way of expressing feeling that cannot be expressed in any other way. Others may be uncomfortable with the intensity of the emotion expressed by tears, with the intensity of the emotion aroused in them, or in their resistance to the message. They may not want to offer solace and be uncomfortable with the pull that tears have to draw them in. They may not be comfortable with the vulnerability expressed by someone who is crying. It takes a lot of courage to be that vulnerable. That’s not weakness.
photo credit: Andy Magee
