Karyn Hall's Blog, page 10

Trauma Dumping: When Oversharing Becomes Toxic

We’ve all been there. You’re going through a rough time, and the urge to share your burdens with someone you trust becomes overwhelming. Talking things out can be a healthy coping mechanism, a way to release pent-up emotions and gain support. 

But there’s a fine line between venting and what’s called “trauma dumping,” and crossing it can have negative consequences for both parties.

What is the Difference Between Trauma Dumping and Venting?

Venting typically involves sharing a recent frustration or emotional upset with a trusted friend or confidant. It’s a one-time thing, focused on the immediate situation, and often seeks validation or a listening ear. 

For example, you might vent to a friend about a recent argument with your boss, seeking their perspective and emotional support.

Trauma dumping, on the other hand, is the act of unloading detailed accounts of traumatic experiences on someone without warning or consideration for their emotional well-being. It’s often excessive, unsolicited, and leaves the listener feeling overwhelmed, drained, or even traumatized themselves.

Here’s a breakdown of the key differences:

Venting: Focuses on a recent frustration or emotional upset, is a one-time event, seeks validation or support, and leaves the listener feeling helpful.Trauma Dumping: Dwells on traumatic experiences from the past or present, can be repetitive, seeks catharsis, pity, or manipulation of the listener, and leaves the listener feeling overwhelmed or traumatized.

Why Trauma Dumping is a Red Flag

Trauma dumping can be a red flag for several reasons. First, it can be emotionally draining for the listener. Hearing graphic details of someone else’s trauma can be triggering, especially if they have experienced similar events themselves.

Second, trauma dumping can be a form of manipulation. 

By sharing shocking or upsetting details, the person trauma dumping might be seeking to control the conversation, gain sympathy, or avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

Finally, trauma dumping can hinder the healing process for both parties. For the person trauma dumping, constantly reliving their trauma can prevent them from moving forward.  For the listener, the burden of absorbing someone else’s pain can make it difficult to focus on their own emotional well-being.

What is an Example of Emotional Dumping?

Imagine you’re catching up with a casual acquaintance at a coffee shop.  Suddenly, they launch into a detailed description of a recent break-in at their home, complete with a graphic recount of the stolen items and their fear of future violence. This unsolicited and overwhelming disclosure is a prime example of trauma dumping.

Here’s a breakdown of why it’s problematic:

Unsolicited and Overwhelming: Your casual acquaintance hasn’t laid the groundwork for a deep conversation about trauma. Springing such a heavy topic without warning can leave the listener feeling unprepared and overwhelmed.Graphic Details: The detailed description of stolen items and fear of violence goes beyond simply sharing the fact of a break-in. These graphic details can be triggering or upsetting, especially for someone who hasn’t established a strong emotional connection with the speaker.Focus on Listener’s Reaction: The focus seems to be on eliciting a specific response from you, perhaps fear or sympathy, rather than simply sharing the experience.

Here are some additional examples of trauma dumping to illustrate the concept further:

Oversharing on Social Media: Posting lengthy, graphic descriptions of a traumatic event on social media, particularly when your audience is broad and may not be emotionally prepared for such heavy content.First Date Downpour: Sharing intensely personal details about a past abusive relationship on a first date. This can be emotionally overwhelming for someone you’re just getting to know and can create an atmosphere of intimacy that isn’t appropriate at that stage.The Advice Vacuum: Constantly recounting a negative experience without taking steps to address it or seeking genuine advice. This can leave the listener feeling helpless and used as an emotional dumping ground.The One-Upper: Responding to someone else’s struggles by immediately launching into a story about your own, often more extreme, trauma. This invalidates the other person’s experience and makes the conversation about you.

It’s important to remember that context matters.  Sharing a difficult experience with a close friend who has expressed interest in listening and offering support isn’t necessarily trauma dumping.  The key lies in gauging the situation, considering the listener’s emotional capacity, and avoiding graphic details or manipulative language.

Is Trauma Dumping Manipulative?

Trauma dumping can be manipulative, even if it’s not always the intention. By sharing highly personal and disturbing information, the person trauma dumping might be unconsciously trying to:

Gain control of the conversation: Shifting the focus to their own experiences can deflect attention from other topics or avoid taking responsibility for their actions.Elicit sympathy or pity: Trauma can evoke feelings of compassion, and the person trauma dumping might be seeking those feelings for validation or to avoid taking accountability.Make the listener feel obligated to help: Sharing trauma can create a sense of indebtedness, pressuring the listener to offer solutions or support beyond their capacity.

Conclusion

Sharing our vulnerabilities and emotional experiences can be a powerful tool for connection and healing. However, it’s important to be mindful of how and with whom we share our burdens. Trauma dumping can be emotionally damaging for both parties.

Here are some healthier alternatives to consider:

Seek professional help: A therapist can provide a safe space to process your trauma and develop healthy coping mechanisms.Find a support group: Connecting with others who have shared experiences can be a source of validation and understanding.Practice self-care: Engaging in activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit can promote emotional well-being.Vent to a trusted friend (in moderation): Choose someone who is a good listener and can offer support without feeling overwhelmed.

By taking responsibility for our own emotional well-being and communicating effectively, we can foster healthier relationships and navigate life’s challenges with greater resilience.

Wanna talk trauma? LEARN MORE HERE.

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Healing After Heartbreak: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?

Breakups. They’re a universal experience, a messy chapter in the human story that leaves us feeling lost and heartbroken. Whether it was a short-lived fling or a long-term commitment, the ending of a relationship can trigger a wave of emotions: sadness, anger, confusion, and a persistent ache of longing.

One of the most common questions swirling in our minds during this difficult time is, “How long does it take to get over a breakup?” For an answer that provides solace, we crave a definitive timeline, a roadmap to healing. Unfortunately, heartbreak doesn’t work that way. There’s no magic number of weeks or months that guarantees emotional closure.

How Long on Average Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?

Studies have attempted to quantify the healing process, with some suggesting an average of 3 months to feel better, while others propose a longer timeframe, particularly for more significant relationships [1, 2]. However, these estimates offer a cold comfort at best. The truth is, how long does it take to get over a breakup depends on a unique constellation of factors:

The Length and Intensity of the Relationship: A brief fling might leave a different emotional imprint compared to a years-long, deeply committed partnership.The Reason for the Breakup: Was it a mutual decision or a sudden, unexpected end? Understanding the “why” can influence the healing process significantly.Your Attachment Style: Our attachment styles, formed in early childhood, shape how we connect with others and react to loss.Your Support System: Having a strong network of friends and family to lean on can significantly accelerate healing.

How Do You Deal With a Breakup When You Still Love Them?

So, what happens when the embers of love still flicker even after the relationship has ended? This can be an exceptionally painful situation. Here are some steps to consider:

Acknowledge Your Emotions: Don’t suppress your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you envisioned together. Crying, journaling, and talking to a trusted confidant can be helpful outlets.Minimize Contact: While this might feel counterintuitive, creating space can be crucial for emotional healing. Limit social media stalking, resist the urge to text, and consider a temporary break from shared friends or places if needed.Focus on Yourself: Engage in self-care practices that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Reconnect with hobbies you might have neglected, spend time in nature, and prioritize activities that bring you joy.Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to cope, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance. A therapist can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.How Long Does It Take to Get Over Someone You Love?

Letting go of someone you love is a process, not a single event. There will be good days and bad days, moments of intense sadness interspersed with periods of relative calm. The key is to be gentle with yourself and trust the natural healing process.

Here are some strategies to aid you in letting go of someone you love:

Practice Gratitude: Shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you learned and gained from the relationship.Reframe Your Narrative: Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, reframe the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth.Embrace New Experiences: Step outside your comfort zone and try new things. Meet new people, take a class, or embark on a solo trip.Remember Your Worth: A breakup can chip away at your self-esteem. Reaffirm your value by creating a list of your strengths and positive qualities.How Do You Let Go of Someone You Love?

Letting go of someone you love is a process, not a single event. There will be good days and bad days, moments of intense sadness interspersed with periods of relative calm. The key is to be gentle with yourself and trust the natural healing process.��

Here are some strategies to aid you in letting go of someone you love:

Acknowledge Your Emotions: Don’t suppress your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you envisioned together. Crying, journaling, and talking to a trusted confidant can be helpful outlets.Minimize Contact: While this might feel counterintuitive, creating space can be crucial for emotional healing. Limit social media stalking, resist the urge to text, and consider a temporary break from shared friends or places if needed. This doesn’t have to be permanent, but giving yourself time and distance can help lessen the intensity of your emotions.Focus on Yourself: Engage in self-care practices that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Reconnect with hobbies you might have neglected, spend time in nature, and prioritize activities that bring you joy. Doing things that make you feel good can help take your mind off the breakup and boost your mood.Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to cope, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance. A therapist can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist can offer objective support and help you develop strategies for moving forward.Practice Gratitude: Shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you learned and gained from the relationship. While the relationship may be over, there were likely positive aspects you can appreciate. Gratitude can help counteract negativity and foster a more positive outlook.Reframe Your Narrative: Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, reframe the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth. What can you learn from this experience? How can you use it to become a stronger, more resilient person? Reframing the situation can empower you and give the breakup a new meaning.Embrace New Experiences: Step outside your comfort zone and try new things. Meet new people, take a class, or embark on a solo trip. New experiences can broaden your horizons, distract you from your pain, and open doors to new possibilities.Remember Your Worth: A breakup can chip away at your self-esteem. Reaffirm your value by creating a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Remind yourself of all the things that make you a wonderful person.

Letting go is rarely easy, but with time and self-compassion, you can heal and move forward.

Conclusion

Healing after a breakup is a marathon, not a sprint. How long does it take to get over a breakup? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Be patient with yourself, prioritize self-care, and allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions.��

Remember, even the deepest wounds eventually heal.��

With time and support, you’ll emerge from this experience stronger, wiser, and ready to love again.

Healing after heartbreak and looking for a little guidance? LEARN MORE HERE.

Contact the DBT Therapy Experts in Houston Contact Us CONTACT

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stephanie@dbtcenterhouston.com

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Healing After Heartbreak: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup

Breakups. They’re a universal experience, a messy chapter in the human story that leaves us feeling lost and heartbroken. Whether it was a short-lived fling or a long-term commitment, the ending of a relationship can trigger a wave of emotions: sadness, anger, confusion, and a persistent ache of longing.

One of the most common questions swirling in our minds during this difficult time is, “How long does it take to get over a breakup?” For an answer that provides solace, we crave a definitive timeline, a roadmap to healing. Unfortunately, heartbreak doesn’t work that way. There’s no magic number of weeks or months that guarantees emotional closure.

How Long on Average Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup?

Studies have attempted to quantify the healing process, with some suggesting an average of 3 months to feel better, while others propose a longer timeframe, particularly for more significant relationships [1, 2]. However, these estimates offer a cold comfort at best. The truth is, how long does it take to get over a breakup depends on a unique constellation of factors:

The Length and Intensity of the Relationship: A brief fling might leave a different emotional imprint compared to a years-long, deeply committed partnership.The Reason for the Breakup: Was it a mutual decision or a sudden, unexpected end? Understanding the “why” can influence the healing process significantly.Your Attachment Style: Our attachment styles, formed in early childhood, shape how we connect with others and react to loss.Your Support System: Having a strong network of friends and family to lean on can significantly accelerate healing.

How Do You Deal With a Breakup When You Still Love Them?

So, what happens when the embers of love still flicker even after the relationship has ended? This can be an exceptionally painful situation. Here are some steps to consider:

Acknowledge Your Emotions: Don’t suppress your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you envisioned together. Crying, journaling, and talking to a trusted confidant can be helpful outlets.Minimize Contact: While this might feel counterintuitive, creating space can be crucial for emotional healing. Limit social media stalking, resist the urge to text, and consider a temporary break from shared friends or places if needed.Focus on Yourself: Engage in self-care practices that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Reconnect with hobbies you might have neglected, spend time in nature, and prioritize activities that bring you joy.Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to cope, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance. A therapist can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms.How Long Does It Take to Get Over Someone You Love?

Letting go of someone you love is a process, not a single event. There will be good days and bad days, moments of intense sadness interspersed with periods of relative calm. The key is to be gentle with yourself and trust the natural healing process.

Here are some strategies to aid you in letting go of someone you love:

Practice Gratitude: Shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you learned and gained from the relationship.Reframe Your Narrative: Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, reframe the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth.Embrace New Experiences: Step outside your comfort zone and try new things. Meet new people, take a class, or embark on a solo trip.Remember Your Worth: A breakup can chip away at your self-esteem. Reaffirm your value by creating a list of your strengths and positive qualities.How Do You Let Go of Someone You Love?

Letting go of someone you love is a process, not a single event. There will be good days and bad days, moments of intense sadness interspersed with periods of relative calm. The key is to be gentle with yourself and trust the natural healing process. 

Here are some strategies to aid you in letting go of someone you love:

Acknowledge Your Emotions: Don’t suppress your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you envisioned together. Crying, journaling, and talking to a trusted confidant can be helpful outlets.Minimize Contact: While this might feel counterintuitive, creating space can be crucial for emotional healing. Limit social media stalking, resist the urge to text, and consider a temporary break from shared friends or places if needed. This doesn’t have to be permanent, but giving yourself time and distance can help lessen the intensity of your emotions.Focus on Yourself: Engage in self-care practices that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Reconnect with hobbies you might have neglected, spend time in nature, and prioritize activities that bring you joy. Doing things that make you feel good can help take your mind off the breakup and boost your mood.Seek Professional Help: If you’re struggling to cope, don’t hesitate to seek professional guidance. A therapist can provide a safe space to process your emotions and develop healthy coping mechanisms. A therapist can offer objective support and help you develop strategies for moving forward.Practice Gratitude: Shift your focus from what you’ve lost to what you learned and gained from the relationship. While the relationship may be over, there were likely positive aspects you can appreciate. Gratitude can help counteract negativity and foster a more positive outlook.Reframe Your Narrative: Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, reframe the breakup as an opportunity for personal growth. What can you learn from this experience? How can you use it to become a stronger, more resilient person? Reframing the situation can empower you and give the breakup a new meaning.Embrace New Experiences: Step outside your comfort zone and try new things. Meet new people, take a class, or embark on a solo trip. New experiences can broaden your horizons, distract you from your pain, and open doors to new possibilities.Remember Your Worth: A breakup can chip away at your self-esteem. Reaffirm your value by creating a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Remind yourself of all the things that make you a wonderful person.

Letting go is rarely easy, but with time and self-compassion, you can heal and move forward.

Conclusion

Healing after a breakup is a marathon, not a sprint. How long does it take to get over a breakup? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Be patient with yourself, prioritize self-care, and allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions. 

Remember, even the deepest wounds eventually heal. 

With time and support, you’ll emerge from this experience stronger, wiser, and ready to love again.

Healing after heartbreak and looking for a little guidance? LEARN MORE HERE.

Contact the DBT Therapy Experts in Houston Contact Us CONTACT

(713) 973-2800

ABOUT US

DBT Center

Therapists

Specialties

TRAINING

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Refund Policy

LOCATION

DBT Center: 1348 Heights Blvd, Houston, TX. 77008

Telehealth: All of Texas

The post Healing After Heartbreak: How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup appeared first on Houston DBT Center.

Psychological Health

The painting above has nothing to do with this blog–hmmm, or does it. It’s from an artist in Mexico. Beaches in Mexico are a beautiful place to relax and taking breaks is important for psychological health. So maybe it’s relevant after all!

One of the characteristics of healthy people, according to psychologists, is flexible responding. Psychological flexibility means you can respond in a healthy way to different situations and people, and do so in a way that fits with your personal values. Being psychologically flexible helps you adjust to different situations, deal with stress, and improve your well-being.

It’s also one of the characteristics needed to form friendships. That’s pretty powerful. A huge amount of evidence now suggests that it’s important to leading more meaningful lives based on what’s really important to you. That’s even more powerful.

So what does flexible responding mean in real life? Well, it means you can adjust the way you behave based on what’s needed in the situation. Some people are very comfortable in their daily lives and have a routine that works for them. But that routine, when it controls what you do, can block relationships.

Doris has a routine that works for her. She gets up at six every morning, and feeds and walks her dogs. She watches the morning news while having breakfast and then goes to work. She has a salad for lunch and she stops work at 5:30 every day. She has a protein and a vegetable for dinner, does household chores and then watches a couple of television shows before going to sleep. Doris enjoys her routine. She feels anxious when she can’t follow it. The problem comes when someone invites her to do something different. Even when it’s something she wants to do, she becomes anxious and worried because she is only comfortable in her familiar routine. In fact, if someone comes to visit, she struggles with spending time with them. Even if she does, she is constantly thinking of what she “should” be doing. Doris’s routine is rigid, and she isn’t able to respond flexibly to the situation.

Doris struggles with flexibility in other ways too. She has a serious, professional manner about her. In fact, she rarely smiles. She follows the rules and is reserved, except she tends to dress in a rebellious way. She doesn’t show any expression on her face and others often describe her as angry. At work, this demeanor is seen as a professional manner. But when there is social interaction, such as an office celebration, she’s the same. She remains reserved and serious even when the rest of the crew are singing and forming line dances.

It’s the same with her nieces. She cares deeply about them, but she doesn’t play with them or tell them how she feels. They don’t enjoy being around her. She values friends and family, but spends her time in her routine and accomplishing tasks. When she’s angry with someone, she’s done with the relationship and doesn’t forgive. She’s not flexible with others making changes either.

Perhaps you understand Doris. Maybe you are someone who needs and enjoys structure and routine, and have great difficulty letting go and having fun or connecting with others, even when the situation calls for that. Perhaps you have a certain way of interacting that is the same regardless of whether you are at work or at a family celebration. You may be confused as to why it’s so difficult to connect and see yourself as just being a loner.

Being psychologically flexible means that you can follow a routine when that’s helpful and not follow it when it’s not helpful. It means you can rein in your emotions when you need to do so and that you can also express yourself openly when that’s appropriate. If you aren’t good at expressing appreciation, caring, and upset and if you struggle to let go and have fun, that can interfere with connecting with people.

If this sounds like you, then you might wish to be mindful of when you are allowing your routines to get in the way of relationships and what’s really important to you. You might consider being more open with your feelings in the right context, too. This means showing your emotions on your face and through body language as well. If you aren’t aware of your facial expressions, you might try talking into a mirror and observing yourself. Do you smile? Do you look warm and engaging? Are you relaxed or tense? Do you make eye contact?

The way you express yourself verbally can also have an impact. Do you answer questions that you are asked or do you avoid answering directly? Do you answer questions with questions? Do you agree with whatever someone says to avoid conflict? Do you plan what you are going to say to people? These could be ways that you avoid letting someone get to know you. That could feel safe and self-protective, but it’s also a way of keeping people at a distance. If they don’t know you, how can you be friends?

Being more open with others can help form connections and help alleviate loneliness. Consider trying to be more open to others in both verbal and nonverbal ways over a period of time and notice how others respond to you. The research suggests that being more open with others will lead to them being more open with you. You might find a friend.

Contact the DBT Therapy Experts in Houston Contact Us CONTACT

(713) 973-2800

ABOUT US

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DBT Center: 1348 Heights Blvd, Houston, TX. 77008

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High Achievers and Emotional Well-Being High achieving ...

 

 High Achievers and Emotional Well-Being

 

High achieving individuals of all ages (including executives, entertainers, athletes, students, and parents) can often appear to have it all together. They work hard, exercise discipline, attain goals, and typically appear to be in control with little or no emotional stress. For example, you probably know and admire a parent who, seemingly with ease, manages the home, daily schedules, and children’s educational needs, plus nurtures the family, and still maintains a social life with friends. There’s the entertainer who maintains a grueling schedule of concerts, travel, practice and coping with the constant media attention. For athletes the constant pressure of meeting their own performance expectations and those of their fans in every game is a burden over time that can become wearing, but they make it look easy. You may wonder how they do it all.

Don’t Let Them See You Sweat

For years the norm for high achievers was to maintain the image of ease and joy in doing what they love.  Resilience was seen as an asset—and that was generally viewed as knowing how to deal with the stress, being tough. The high achiever was expected to cope well and “never let them see you sweat.” Maintaining this image requires putting on a mask, hiding vulnerability, and not letting anyone see you “weak.”  But pushing down emotions and putting on a false front takes its toll emotionally and can limit the support that might be available if others understood better the stress the person was experiencing.  Not being vulnerable separates yur from connectons with others.

It’s Not Work Because I Love Doing It

High achievers often love what they do. They’re passionate about their work. Having a career doing what you love seems like a gift. And it is. It’s also true that when you do what you love you are more susceptible to burn out. When you identify with your work it can lead to a lack of balance with your personal life, difficulty setting boundaries, and an increased sense of loneliness.

Depression and High Achievers

In fact, research shows that high achievers have a high incidence of depression. For CEOs the rate is estimated from double the national level of 20% to as high as 50% (Barnard, 2010, Burguieres, 2008). High achieving students suffer from anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and delinquent behavior at a rate that is two to three times higher than the national average. Youth in high achieving schools have been designated an-risk category (Luthar 2020).

What’s contributing to these high rates of depression? High achievers are likely to have high competition comparisons. They tend to see other people as competitors and are scanning to see how their performance measures up, with a focus on winning or losing in each comparison.

Who had the most people at their party? Who got the highest grade? Who made the most sales?

High achievers may see their success only in terms of the most recent performance or test. Regardless of how they performed in previous games, they may see themselves as failing because they missed a goal in the most recent match.

Maladaptive perfectionism plays a role too. High achievers can be overly critical of their performance and seek to attain perfection, though they often don’t acknowledge it.  Instead of seeing what went well, they focus on what didn’t go as well. Thus, they rarely have a sense of “good enough.”

High achievers may also tend to see their value as a person is their achievements, not who they are as a person. Their identity becomes that of “high-achiever.”  This includes the achievement of being a good parent, which is measured by the success of the children. Some may focus on their arena of achievement to the exclusion of relationships, creating chronic loneliness. Chronic loneliness can, and often does, lead to depression.

The Value of Therapy

Recently, particularly in entertainment and sports, more are being open about the cost of maintaining a rugged schedule and the need to take time to prioritize their mental health. Their openness can be helpful to others and hopefully reduce the stigma of seeking therapy as a high achiever. Too many high achieving students and professionals are silently suffering. Plus, therapy is not just for those who are already depressed. Therapy can help you find your focus, your balance and create the best life for you.

 

 

References

Barnard, Jayne W., Narcissism, Over-Optimism, Fear, Anger, and Depression: The Interior Lives of Corporate Leaders (2008). University of Cincinnati Law Review, 2008, William & Mary Law School Research Paper No. 08-10, Available at SSRN: https://ssrn.com/abstract=1136888

PBS Interview, 2008.  Faces of Depression:  Phillip Burguieres. https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/takeonestep/depression/faces-philip.html

 

Luthar, S. S., Kumar, N. L., & Zillmer, N. (2020). High-achieving schools connote risks for adolescents: Problems documented, processes implicated, and directions for interventions. American Psychologist, 75(7), 983–995. https://doi.org/10.1037/amp0000556

 

Luthar, Suniya & Suh, Bin & Ebbert, Ashley & Kumar, Nina. (2020). Students in High-Achieving Schools: Perils of Pressures to Be “Standouts”. Adversity and Resilience Science. 1. 10.1007/s42844-020-00009-3

 

Moss, J.(2021). The Burn Out Epidemic: The Rise of Chronic Stress and How We Can Fix It. Harvard Business Review Press,

Quiet DesperationRemember Thoreau’s famous quotation, “Th...

Quiet Desperation

Remember Thoreau’s famous quotation, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation”?  Is this you?

It seems to me that the words “quiet desperation” describe the experience of many of us today. Most see quiet desperation as meaning accepting your circumstances as they are even though you aren’t content, and doing so in a passive way, but feeling frustrated or apathetic. It’s about letting circumstances control you and giving in to a daily life that isn’t satisfying or fulfilling. It can result in a kind of chronic disappointment, such as is expressed in the thought “Another day, same ole same ole.”

Your life may seem okay and perhaps you’re even upset with yourself for not being content. Maybe you see yourself as ungrateful because you’re not in a life threatening situation as many other people are.

This quiet desperation can be the result of not living your values, loneliness, and even being a prisoner of your way of seeing the world. Taking time to reflect on what’s missing for you can make a difference.

What are you values about life? Are you living according to your values? It’s easy to get caught up in what most other people are doing—going to work, watching television, doing chores, etc and not even considering that what you value may not fit with those activities. If you lived your life according to what you truly value, what would you do differently? When you live according to your values, you add meaning to your life.

Maybe your life is pretty much as you would like it to be. That’s cool. But you also need and want close friends and/or a partner. Humans need close relationships for quality of life, including physical and contentment. Perhaps you’ve tried to find close friends or a romantic partner and been rejected. Rejection hurts and perhaps you give up as a result and feel pretty fatalistic about always being alone. Loneliness is epidemic and it’s harmful, both to your sense of well-being as well as your physical health. Learning ways to truly connect with others could make a difference.

Sometimes you see the world through a lens that you learned as a child. It’s like in the book Maybe You Should See Someone–you walk around unknowingly holding the bars of your prison in front of you, never realizing that you are keeping yourself looking through the prison bars and holding yourself back–that you can lower the bars and live your life differently.

What about you? What’s your quiet desperation?

 

 

Stepping Out of Your Routine

Routine can be so comforting. And easy. I can eat the same thing for breakfast every day–whole grain English muffin with yogurt butter. And if it’s Monday, I exercise at 9, start my work day at 10:30, and end by 6:30. Then I’ll read, play games, or watch television. Other days are pretty similar, with mainly variations in my exercise routine.This has been especially true since the pandemic. Many days during the worst of the pandemic I didn’t even leave the house and unfortunately that can become a habit in itself. When you live in routine, you don’t have to think so much. That’s a relief, right? But only to a certain extent. Too much predictability can become boring. The brain, according to neuroscientists may be half asleep. You know what wakes the brain up? Doing something new.

Doing something new is like bringing back that sense of awe that children have. You know when a child sees his own face for the first time? Or sees a dog? Remember a baby’s amazement over their own fingers? So beautiful to watch them discover their hands. That amazement over you own fingers is gone when you grow older. But that amazement over the world doesn’t have to be. You haven’t seen it all, no, not really. And you haven’t done it all.There can still be amazement, but you’ll need to look further than your own hand. You’ll need to step outside your comfort zone, to leave that routine you have and likely leave your home. You’ll need to take a risk of doing something that you haven’t done before. Risk, even a small one, can be difficult, but it can have a big reward. You may rediscover your interest in life and excitement. But more than that it can help you be more flexible. Doing something new keeps you young in some ways and gives you a broader view of the world. You vision of how things can be changes as you’ll gain new perspectives.

Flexible thinking is a part of psychological health. The good news is that you can develop more flexible thinking. You can actively work to consider ideas and views that you’ve never considered before. Imagine seeking out someone who has lived a very different life than you have, someone with a very different political belief. Imagine stretching your mind to understand their point of view whether you agree or not. Doing something new to develop flexible thinking can be simple like trying an ice cream flavor you’ve never had before or learn a game you’ve never played. Maybe you go to a part of your city you’ve never visited. Trying new things helps you learn flexible thinking. When you try new things, you develop more flexible thinking, and you are likely to be a better problem solver. Trying new ways is a way of exercising the brain.

When I was much younger, I enjoyed being around older people. But I made a repeated commitment that I wouldn’t get out of step with the times. I wouldn’t know what was happening in the world as I was seeing many older people doing. They were still talking about music, art, and books as they did twenty years ago. That would not happen to me, I vowed.

Ha! Recently I realized I didn’t know slang terms of today’s youth. Okay, not so important. But also, I didn’t know the current actors and actresses who were well-known to the younger generation. Again, maybe not so big a deal. However as much as I prided myself on being technology savvy for my age, I was so far behind the twenty year olds. And this was a big deal. I was not aware of the marketing trends that were mainstream for this generation. I didn’t know the products that were important to young adults. I was losing touch. I was comfortable in my knowledge and the tools that I knew and I didn’t look for new experiences or options. That was a problem if I wanted to keep up with the world and not be outdated myself.

Trying new things extends into the work you do and the way you live your life. Never tried a videoconference? Don’t know what streaming means? Do you know what it means to funnel leads?

Trying new things is good for your mood. Your brain releases dopamine, which leads to good feelings. Doing something novel helps you stay young and interested.

Are you willing to try new things? Ready to start your list?

Taking Breaks is Important for Psychological Health

The painting above has nothing to do with this blog–hmmm, or does it. It’s from an artist in Mexico. Beaches in Mexico are a beautiful place to relax and taking breaks is important for psychological health. So maybe it’s relevant after all!

One of the characteristics of healthy people, according to psychologists, is flexible responding. Psychological flexibility means you can respond in a healthy way to different situations and people, and do so in a way that fits with your personal values. Being psychologically flexible helps you adjust to different situations, deal with stress, and improve your well-being.

It’s also one of the characteristics needed to form friendships. That’s pretty powerful. A huge amount of evidence now suggests that it’s important to leading more meaningful lives based on what’s really important to you. That’s even more powerful.

So what does flexible responding mean in real life? Well, it means you can adjust the way you behave based on what’s needed in the situation. Some people are very comfortable in their daily lives and have a routine that works for them. But that routine, when it controls what you do, can block relationships.

Doris has a routine that works for her. She gets up at six every morning, and feeds and walks her dogs. She watches the morning news while having breakfast and then goes to work. She has a salad for lunch and she stops work at 5:30 every day. She has a protein and a vegetable for dinner, does household chores and then watches a couple of television shows before going to sleep. Doris enjoys her routine. She feels anxious when she can’t follow it. The problem comes when someone invites her to do something different. Even when it’s something she wants to do, she becomes anxious and worried because she is only comfortable in her familiar routine. In fact, if someone comes to visit, she struggles with spending time with them. Even if she does, she is constantly thinking of what she “should” be doing. Doris’s routine is rigid, and she isn’t able to respond flexibly to the situation.

Doris struggles with flexibility in other ways too. She has a serious, professional manner about her. In fact, she rarely smiles. She follows the rules and is reserved, except she tends to dress in a rebellious way. She doesn’t show any expression on her face and others often describe her as angry. At work, this demeanor is seen as a professional manner. But when there is social interaction, such as an office celebration, she’s the same. She remains reserved and serious even when the rest of the crew are singing and forming line dances.

It’s the same with her nieces. She cares deeply about them, but she doesn’t play with them or tell them how she feels. They don’t enjoy being around her. She values friends and family, but spends her time in her routine and accomplishing tasks. When she’s angry with someone, she’s done with the relationship and doesn’t forgive. She’s not flexible with others making changes either.

Perhaps you understand Doris. Maybe you are someone who needs and enjoys structure and routine, and have great difficulty letting go and having fun or connecting with others, even when the situation calls for that. Perhaps you have a certain way of interacting that is the same regardless of whether you are at work or at a family celebration. You may be confused as to why it’s so difficult to connect and see yourself as just being a loner.

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Being psychologically flexible means that you can follow a routine when that’s helpful and not follow it when it’s not helpful. It means you can rein in your emotions when you need to do so and that you can also express yourself openly when that’s appropriate. If you aren’t good at expressing appreciation, caring, and upset and if you struggle to let go and have fun, that can interfere with connecting with people.

If this sounds like you, then you might wish to be mindful of when you are allowing your routines to get in the way of relationships and what’s really important to you. You might consider being more open with your feelings in the right context, too. This means showing your emotions on your face and through body language as well. If you aren’t aware of your facial expressions, you might try talking into a mirror and observing yourself. Do you smile? Do you look warm and engaging? Are you relaxed or tense? Do you make eye contact?

The way you express yourself verbally can also have an impact. Do you answer questions that you are asked or do you avoid answering directly? Do you answer questions with questions? Do you agree with whatever someone says to avoid conflict? Do you plan what you are going to say to people? These could be ways that you avoid letting someone get to know you. That could feel safe and self-protective, but it’s also a way of keeping people at a distance. If they don’t know you, how can you be friends?

Being more open with others can help form connections and help alleviate loneliness. Consider trying to be more open to others in both verbal and nonverbal ways over a period of time and notice how others respond to you. The research suggests that being more open with others will lead to them being more open with you. You might find a friend.

Define The Life You Long to Live By Karyn Hall, PhD

When you are emotionally sensitive your emotions can rule your life. The more painful emotions exhaust and drain you, sometimes to the point that your days are about avoiding hurt rather than living your life.  You may dread the mornings and crave isolation though at the same time you are lonely and hate that you think you don’t belong.  You may be sad or constantly tired. You may decide there is something wrong with you that you can’t deal with issues and be content like others seem to be able to do, so why try? At some point you may find that you have focused on emotions such as hurt, resentment, grief, and fear that you no longer think about the life you want to lead. You get lost in the pain and lose sight of your goals and dreams.

In your heart of hearts what is the life that you long for?*  How do you wish you spent your days? Knowing where you are going helps you stay on track and moving forward even when times are difficult. Knowing the goal helps you make decisions that take you closer to your goal. If you truly want longtime friendships and that is part of what will make your life content, then when a disagreement arises with a friend you may be less likely to let that destroy the relationship, even for a day. You may be more likely to repair relationships and pay attention to keeping friendships active. Can you describe in detail the life that you yearn for?  Over the next few posts I’ll outline some of the areas to consider. The list won’t be complete because I can’t know what is important to you. I’ll describe a few categories and you can add whatever you need to add. Write down your inner most wishes in each category without censoring them. When you’ve finished writing about all the categories, you can then choose where you want to start in moving toward the life you truly desire in your heart of hearts. First, let’s consider the work you do.

Career/Work:  Does the work you do pay an important part in your contentment? For some, work is a way of contributing to the world and thus brings contentment and meaning to life. For others work provides a sense of mastery–they like knowing they are good at what they do. For others, their employment is a way of paying the bills and is mainly a way of maintaining the basics. The job is necessary to the life they want to lead, but is not part of the higher levels of contentment and perhaps joy.

Perhaps you long to be in a different line of work.  You’d love to be a fireman or teacher. While the work you do now is only to pay the bills, you know in that place where you just know the absolute truth that a different career could add satisfaction and meaning to your life. Let go of the idea that you are stuck. Think about how you could possibly change your career in a realistic way or have a similar experience to the one that is your dream.

If you need more education to do what you wish, then how can you take the first class? Yes, it would likely be a lot of work and sacrifice. But if changing your career is something you know is the absolute right choice for you then do what it takes and do what is possible right now. Doing whatever is possible right now will help lead you closer to what you want, even if it is a tiny step, and open up more opportunities later on.

What if your dream seems like an unrealistic long shot with no clear and certain path to make it happen?  Maybe you want to be a famous author or actress. Maybe you want to have the number one selling album on the soul music charts. The cost of pursuing these dreams can be high. Struggling to make it in the arts is not easy, but he cost of not pursuing dreams can also be high. What do you want to do?  If you want to pursue this dream, what is the next or first step for you to take?

Maybe you are drawn to a certain career but don’t really want to pursue it.  What it is about a certain career that draws you?  Do you have a love of music that fills your very being with happiness? Do you need admiration and/or recognition for who you are?  Do you love to take on different roles and lose yourself in a pretend world?  Be flexible in your thinking. Perhaps community theater, while not the same as being a famous actress, could help fulfill your passion for acting. Maybe singing in a local choir could fulfill your love of music. Consider alternatives that might work well for you and be a better balance for you.

If you’ve decided that making changes in the work you do is part of creating the life you long to live, write down the steps you need to take.  Then list the pros and cons of this change. Will you have to adjust your budget or even save money for a long time in order to pursue what you want?  Will you have less time for friends?  Will you need to tolerate being judged by others?  Look at what can get in the way and write down ways you will deal with these challenges. Remember to think carefully about the pros of what you are doing now. Those are sometimes easy to overlook. Completing this step helps evaluate if you truly want to make the change and the difficulties in doing it. If you still want to go forward, then this change in your work becomes a part of your life plan. If not, then you consider other areas that may be more important to you.

Changes in your environment will be the next area of possible change that I’ll discuss. I look forward to your suggestions and comments.

Four Ways to Increase Your Interpersonal Skills

Emotionally sensitive people experience more intense emotions that are more easily aroused and that last longer than those who are not emotionally sensitive. You react faster with greater emotional intensity that lasts longer. Your emotional reactions can be triggered by television shows, magazine articles, places that trigger memories, anniversaries and other events.  Interpersonal issues are one of the most challenging areas for you.

With a strong fear and sensitivity to rejection, even routine events such as a friend canceling lunch plans can bring on a tornado of emotions that are difficult to manage. With this difficulty in relationships, so much of life becomes stressful, such as attending classes, dating, participating in friendships, interacting in group activities, having roommates, and working with others. Some of you withdraw and become isolated as a way of avoiding the pain of relationships. Others experience anguish and suffering on a regular basis with little relief. Working on interpersonal skills and ways to manage emotions in relationships can help you reduce the suffering you experience on a daily basis. Improving your interpersonal resiliency and skills is complicated.  Four options for getting started (based on the work of Marsha Linehan, 1993)  include the following:

1.  Practice thinking dialectically

When you think dialectically, you are always asking yourself what you could be missing. You accept that no one has the absolute truth and that carefully considering the ideas of others can lead to a clearer, more accurate picture of events than only considering your own point of view. In practice this means not getting stuck in black and white thinking or in taking opposite sides. You aren’t looking for compromise; you are searching for the truth in all points of view.  If compromise is gray, then thinking dialectically would be plaid or polka dots. You don’t have to give up your view of the truth to accept that someone else has a different view and maybe even an opposite view. Dialectics recognizes that all views may be true and that a synthesis of those views may lead to a greater understanding. When you are thinking dialectically you are being cognitively flexible and curious about understanding other views. Using the word “and” often reflects dialectical thinking:  “I am worn out and can’t play anymore and my son wants to continue playing.” When you think dialectically neither person is judged for his view. Your son isn’t selfish or spoiled because he wants to continue playing. He is just enjoying your company. You aren’t a bad mother–you are simply tired.  Both your son’s wish to continue playing and your need to stop are valid.

2.  Use relational mindfulness 

Mindfulness in this situation is awareness of your mental state and awareness of how others are reacting. Dr. Alan Fruzzetti says that to be relationally mindful you observe the other person without judgment and participate fully with them in effective ways. That effectiveness means to focus on the relationship and not on the specific issue of the moment. Who forgot to put gas in the car is minor and not worth losing the relationship.  When you are calm it may be easy to let annoyances go and to remember that you don’t want to do anything to damage a relationship. When you are emotionally upset your thinking becomes narrower and you may only be able to think about what is right and wrong from your point of view. If you are upset, practice taking time to calm yourself before talking with those you care about.

To observe means that you only know what you can see, hear and touch. You don’t interpret or guess in negative ways. If your mind interprets a non returned text as rejection, ask yourself what other explanations there might be, such as his phone isn’t charged or he is in a meeting with his boss.

3.  Assume the best with wisdom

Often, perhaps because of your own fears, you may easily interpret actions of others in negative ways.  Negative interpretations become your default way of looking at relationships and other people. This habit can lead to repeated ups and downs that stress the relationship. Practice assuming the best of those you care about. Assume that they have your best interests at heart even though you may not appreciate their choices.

4.  Practice Acceptance and Letting Go

Relationships are often messy and difficult and stressful. Accepting that you will have disagreements, disappointments, and hurt feelings is part of the being in relationships. Practice holding onto and savoring the good times and letting go of the hurtful experiences.  Instead of replaying the hurtful conversations, replay the joyful ones. Set your intention to notice when you are dwelling on painful experiences, accept that the experience was painful, then visualize letting go of the thoughts. Replace the thoughts with memories of pleasant interactions which are the basis for the relationship.