Quinn McDonald's Blog, page 59

Solving over Suffering

The last few days, Facebook has been full of health disasters, deflating art projects, and drama-packed emotional posts. People asking for healing prayers, for support, for an end to their suffering. I’m not sure if it’s a moon phase or a perspective.

From AuntieMoon.com

In coaching school, when everyone’s path seemed to be that of a healer, I knew mine was not. “Healer” felt too imbued with magic, with an uneven balance between coach and client, in which the coach, with healing power, changed the past of the client to create a new identity. In my development, I cannot heal. I’m a mender. The past is real and what shaped us. Maybe wounded us. But the  turn can come right now, here in the present. That’s what the client can re-shape and step into with a different attitude. Developing the present can change the future.

So for all these disasters, all the suffering I’m seeing on Facebook, I see them as problems to be solved, work to be done, rips and frays to be mended. I’ve never been one to feel helpless, to wait for the magician to appear and wave a wand to solve my problems, then whisk me away on the white stallion.

From Blog52

Even when I was younger, and pretended the prince came to save me, I always wound up with the reins, riding the horse at breakneck speed, the prince hanging on behind.

Life can be about self-sabotage, the damage you create, the bad luck you stew in, the uncontrollable part of life that gets dumped on you.  Or the bad stuff can be looked at as a problem to be solved with creativity and your own power. How you show yourself to people is how they perceive you. Today’s world is tricky and not everyone will be your healer, your mentor or your supporter. Being able to count on yourself, to mend as you go along, is a great skill to have.

—Quinn McDonald is selecting needle and thread for some mending.

 

Filed under: Creativity, In My Life Tagged: coach, inner critic, mender, save yourself, self-sabotage

“What Should I Write In My Journal?”

It’s a good question. And there are lots of answers to the question, “What should I write in my journal?” To keep it easy, keep lists to get you started.

One of Arizona’s many freeway decorations. This one is East of Tucson, on I-10.

 Sure, you can keep a list of books you’ve read or movies you’ve seen, but it might be far more interesting to keep a list of where your buttons are (the ones that people push, not the ones that hold your clothes shut), the most outrageous outfit you see each day,  (where is the fashion police when you need them?), types of people you would like to fill your life with,  things you stopped to look at and loved, people you’ve kissed or hugged.

Add a list of food you’d like to eat and one of food you actually eat. Compare the lists and see if you are experimenting or if you prefer what you already know.

Overhead dialog makes a great journal entry. And you can re-use it later. On my way to Las Cruces last week, I overheard a woman on a cell phone outside a Trader Joe’s. In the seconds it took me to walk past her, I heard:

“We don’t know what’s wrong with her. All we know is she’s sick. Yeah, I’m at the hospital now, at the emergency room.” That kept my imagination in four-wheel drive for a few minutes. Can’t you see it worked into a short story about a couple who lie to each other, then run into each other in the produce aisle?

What the trucker wants you to know about what’s in the truck.

You can also keep photos of interesting sites you saw throughout your day. Your journal doesn’t have to be just writing. Adding visuals–photographs you took–help you remember what you did, where you were, and what you were paying attention to.

Don’t feel you have to write every day. Write when you have something to say–but don’t be shy about what you have to say.

What do you like to write about in your journal?

–Quinn McDonald is a journaler and an art journaler.

Filed under: Journal Pages, The Writing Life Tagged: journal topics, journaling, what to write in a journal

Helping Your Fat Friends (and Staying Friends)

Yesterday I posted three experiences I’ve had during my continuing weight-loss journey. Today, I’d like to help you stay friends with your fat friends while caring about them. Here are some tips:

1. Love them for what they are–kind, funny, smart, creative–rather than for what they are not–thin. You would not want to hear that you aren’t as pretty as you could be, have odd hair, or a birthmark. (Before you say, “but those are characteristics I was born with. . .” read #2.

2. Fat is not always a choice. Do you think Oprah Winfrey wanted to yo-yo up and down the scale? She had enough money to do whatever she wanted about her weight, and even with a cook and trainer, she still struggled. So it’s not just about self control. Don’t assume your fat friend has no self-control, is lazy, or doesn’t care.

Diabetes is an endocrine disease, not a punishment from a divine source for loving sweets. Grave’s Disease, and hypothyrodism are not diseases people want to have. Or worse, choose through “bad decisions you have to own.”

3. Don’t start. If your fat friend wants to talk about weight, you’ll know. Otherwise, don’t bring it up.

4. Don’t offer opinions or advice. What works for you may not work for your friend. Do not offer diets, emails with links to dieting advice, or fashion suggestions.

5. Say, “You look great!” and mean it. Don’t say, “You’d be really pretty if you lost weight.” Don’t say, “That dress makes you look two sizes smaller.” Instead say, “That color looks great.” Or, “That’s a very flattering cut,” (don’t add, “on you.”)

6. Honor the mind/body connection. Making a decision depends on two separate steps. The first is the logical, rational understanding part. “To lose weight, you must expend more calories than you take in” is one of those statements. The next part of decision-making involves a strong emotional link. Emotion and decision making are both made on the right side of the brain, and without an emotional component, there is no lasting change. That’s why diets don’t work. They make sense, seem like a good idea, but there is no emotional commitment. And without emotional buy-in, change won’t last.

Nagging makes emotional agreement impossible. So leave your fat friend in peace. No pleading, nagging, or guilt-inducing drama. It won’t work. Save your energy for walking your own journey.

7. Don’t give “change back” messages. Losing weight is hard, lonely work. There is no easy, fun diet. Losing weight is a long-haul trek. When a fat person changes–eating habits, food choices, clothing sizes–friends and families have to change, too, in the way they relate to their friend. Often, family and friends don’t want to change, so they send “change-back” messages. “You shouldn’t lose any more weight,” or “you have to treat yourself sometime,” or “You’ve always loved this and I cooked it just for you.” Drop it. It’s hard enough for your friend to stay on a diet without you tenderly sabotaging the effort.

–-Quinn McDonald is still losing weight. She has no answer for people who ask, “tell me your secret.” There is none. It’s tough decisions, every day. And walking five miles a day helps.

Filed under: Creativity, Food & Recipes, Links, resources, idea boosts Tagged: behavior modification, diets, fat friends

It’s Not Easy Being Fat

Now that I’ve lost 60 pounds and four dress sizes, I have something to say.

I’m shocked at how much better I get treated now that I am thinner. No more sharp comments about my size when I’m on an airplane. Help offered in stores–and politely. Offers of help carrying items that are exactly as heavy as when I struggled with them six months ago. I am the same person, but the world I find myself in is not. It’s a big surprise. And not a pleasant one. We are a lot more judgmental than I had imagined.

* * *

Now, for the tougher love: Diets don’t work. I’ve been overweight for about 12 years. I’ve lost 400 pounds on diets. And gained back 405. So this time I did not go on a diet. I changed my relationship with food. It’s called behavior modification. What didn’t work on my diet was dealing with lost weight. Once I’d met my “goal,” I told myself I could handle an occasional “treat.”

Trouble is, I couldn’t. A once-a-month treat of french fries became a once-a-week treat. Then I’d order fries anytime it was an option. Ice cream was a daily good-night send-off. It started with one-quarter cup. It ended with a cup a night, more if it was a flavor I liked. The list goes on.

I finally realized that I had to change my behavior with food. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. Food is my friend. My mom was an excellent French cook. My husband is a chef. I am a foodie. And in the long run it doesn’t matter. I was helpless in the grasp of  sugar and carbs. So, nothing for me to do but restructure my eating habits. For the rest of my life. There can’t be a “treat just this once” because it starts the battle with my will power over again. And eventually I will rationalize my way out of it. So, awful as it is, this is better. I know how to change my behavior one day at a time. I don’t try to outguess the future.

* * *

When I mention how much weight I’ve lost (which I occasionally do in my goal-setting and time management class), I always get two replies. Two people will raise their hands. The first one will say that their weight loss was mine plus 10 pounds. The second one will claim to have lost as much as I did plus 20 pounds. No matter how much weight I say I’ve lost, the two hands will always go up and claim a weight loss 10- and 20- pounds more than mine.  Statistically, this is unlikely. Socially, it’s not surprising. We are a competitive culture, and being the best and first with the most is something we want to claim. No one has ever claimed a weight loss less than the one I claim. Interesting.

–Quinn McDonald fits into a medium size T-shirt. This makes packing a carry-on much easier. It now fits at least one more outfit.

Filed under: Creativity, Food & Recipes, In My Life Tagged: behavior modification, dieting, diets

Speaking Truth to . . . No One

By the time the front-office employee hung up on me, I had been on hold for 22 minutes. More precisely, I’d been shuffled through menus for eight minutes and on hold for the other 14. The voice had said, four times at regular intervals, “If you want to make an appointment, leave your name and number and you will be phoned back within two business days.” But there was no opportunity to leave your name and number.

In a chain reaction, make sure you know where both ends of the chain are.

When the front office finally picked up, she told me that the doctor was not accepting new patients. I began to ask for another doctor in the same practice, and she hung up on me. Just like that. Lunch break was 30 minutes, and I had used 22 of them with no result to show for it.

This was a training issue. An overworked employee, overwhelmed by ringing phones, undone work, too much responsibility and no authority. Faced by a problem she couldn’t solve, she hung up on the problem. Bad training. Even worse customer service.

It’s a new insurance company to me, and luckily, they are publicly traded. Not exciting news, except I could easily find their annual report online.  Before lunch break was over, I had a phone number of a person senior enough to care about an unhappy client.

The phone call was brief. I left a message on his voice mail giving the date, time, of my disappointing call and the name of the person who hung up on me. I asked for a return call so we could take care of the training issue. And I asked for an apology.

In the end, that is exactly what I got. A heartfelt apology and a doctor’s appointment (with a different doctor). I posted a much briefer version on Facebook, emphasizing the training issue and the importance of customer service training for any employee who ever speaks with the public.

In a chain reaction, know what you are setting into motion. Know the end before you begin.

Instead of sympathy or other stories, a rash of comments told me to “speak truth to power” and name the company and the employee. I didn’t understand. The matter had been taken care of. There was no need to name a company or to hold an overworked woman up for derision.

It felt like relentless retribution–a senseless escalation of anger that would not be resolved or made better by “speaking truth to power.” I’d taken the steps that might solve the problem–spoken calmly to someone who had the power to create change, and received both an apology and the appointment I had wanted.

Sure, I had been angry. Seething. That’s an emotion that is strong. But every action after that emotion bloomed was my responsibility. Did I want this woman fired because she was overwhelmed? Had I not been overwhelmed myself? Did costing this woman her job equal my inconvenience?

Anger is a powerful fuel. It leaps along our brain, creating rationalizations. Demanding a job lost to justify our own importance. At that very moment, you have a chance to be fair. To give the fairness you were denied a new life in another circumstance. And it’s much harder to do than go for the throat

That’s truth to power.

—Quinn McDonald knows that retribution isn’t worth it.

Filed under: In My Life, Opinion Tagged: anger, customer service, fairness, getting even, training issues

Saturday Creative Links

Generally I list art or creative projects on Saturdays. Today, I’m including a set of interesting maps on interesting topics. I’m a map fan, and wonder why people make maps and how they decide on the topic and how they do the research and come up with the information that leads to a map.

The Washington Post has a list of 40 maps about the world. Taken separately, they show a variety of world conditions, but taken in groups, they tell a fascinating story of history and beliefs. The one above shows the countries in which people are more emotional (purple) and less emotional (yellow).

Aude Moreau made a carpet. Not so unusual. Even intricate carpets have been woven for millenia. But this carpet is a bit different. It’s made from two tons of sugar. Dued only in black and red, using the white of the sugar as a color. Moreau’s artwork was damaged by Hurricane Sandy, but meticulously restored. Water damage on sugar carpets must be particularly destructive.

Not a fan of white sugar? William Lamson build a solarium out of panels of cooked sugar–turned into different shades of brown. Each panel is made from sugar heated to different temperatures for a deeper or paler shade of amber.

The space is both a greenhouse for citrus trees and a meditation center. Panels on both ends of the house open to allow for the flow of air.

Have a creatively fascinating weekend!

–Quinn McDonald no longer eats sugar, but she would like to see these.

 

 

Filed under: Links, resources, idea boosts Tagged: maps, sugar rug, sugar sculptures

Trusting Again

Trust is a fragile thread, and if you are over the age of six, someone has broken your trust, or you have lived a very protected life.

From peacockshock.com

Once trust is broken, then what? Can it be rebuilt? Do you hold the rest of the people in your life as emotional hostages because of one untrustworthy person in your life? You can, but it won’t get you far. Blaming others for the dishonesty of one person may seem brilliant from your perspective. But walk around to the other side, and view the relationship through the eyes of the person who is befriending you. The situation looks like you are demanding a long series of proofs, of jumping through hoops, to earn your friendship and trust. In a new friendship, you may not be worth it yet.

It’s easy to turn bitter after trust has been broken, to suspect the next person (and the next and the next) will also hurt you. And if you look very closely at every relationship you build, you will find tiny cracks and flaws in everyone. After a while, you will spot flaws  from far away, and then just assume everyone is flawed. And they are. But that doesn’t make them unworthy of your friendship.

It’s a brave thing to trust again after trust has been broken. It makes you vulnerable. What if you are a bad judge of character? Are you ready to slip down another sharp-stoned slide that leaves you in a heap at the bottom?

New people in your life are not responsible for what others did to you. If you hold them responsible for your past,  you won’t be able to trust them with your future.

August sunrise in Phoenix.

Each person you meet deserves fresh trust. Each person you want to befriend is a risk. And you are a risk to them, too. It’s hard to start trusting again after a bruised ego, a broken heart, a stab in the back. The lesson you learn runs backward, to one person. Hold them accountable for the damage they caused. You don’t have to continue a friendship that’s been damaged beyond repair.

On the other hand, don’t make the rest of the world responsible for your past, either. The dawn is always fresh, and as Rainer Maria Rilke said, “No emotion is final.”

–Quinn McDonald knows a good deal about the DIY-aspect of trust.

Filed under: Coaching, In My Life Tagged: building trust, trust, vulnerability

Control v. Organization

As a working mother in my 30s and 40s, I was sure control was the key to success. I ran my life with lists and schedules. Nothing was unplanned, from grocery shopping to getting together with friends. Nothing was spontaneous because I was in control.

They never really get shorter, just change content, over a day, over a life.

This worked well at work, except for days when the schedule called for leaving work promptly. In those days,much of the political part of work took place in bars and restaurants after work and for moms with children, the glass ceiling often looked more like the carved wood door to the club bar door. But I stayed ahead with strict schedules–often I’d organize my to-do list by day, week, and project.

It worked most of the time. When something unexpected came up, I would make a list for it, prioritize it, and schedule it. Rarely, I’d work around it. I often went to work sick. I truly believed that the cure-all tool was control. Self-control. List control. If it could be organized and controlled, I was on it.

The trouble with control, of course, is that it doesn’t allow for life to happen. It doesn’t allow for good problem solving either, or a flexible process. Unless I could predict the future, or control it, my life was sliding downhill. Uncontrolled. PIcking up speed.

As I got older, I realized that we are less in control than we think. We are not in control of the weather, when we will get sick,  when or how our family members will die,  or be broadsided by a driver who is on the phone and runs the red light.

As I get more experience, I prefer organization. Organization keeps an eye on projects, but doesn’t derail if something comes up to change the outcome.

Organization allows you to be flexible and re-solve a problem if the goal changes or the process has to change to solve the new problem.

Organization allows you to carry an umbrella and sunscreen, cold water and hot coffee in the same travel bag.

There is a difference between control and organization. Organization works with what you have. Control tries to place (or nudge, or force) people, plans, processes into step with where you are at the moment. With varying results. Often disappointing.

When organization doesn’t work, there is room to change the process. When control doesn’t work, we have to blame and crank up the rules some more. We are not capable of controlling as much as we’d like. Organization works pretty well, though. Most of the time.

--Quinn McDonald knows the futility of control. Confidence and credibility come from another direction.

Filed under: Links, resources, idea boosts, Recovering Perfectionists Tagged: control, lack of control, organization, prioritizing

Credibility: No Walled Garden

When company websites were new, the idea of the “Walled Garden” was very popular–all the links were internal. Why would you send your readers / clients / prospects away?  Keep them on your blog and they will be loyal, was the thinking. Clearly these people never had children they tried to keep in a playpen. It doesn’t work with adults any better than with toddlers.

Then the idea faded, and now it’s back in some places. Too bad.

I’ve never been a fan of the Walled Garden theory of the internet. I don’t know all the answers to my readers’ questions.  Linking to other sites helps them find what they want, and that adds credibility to what I have to offer. (Seems that Google’s algorithms aren’t a fan of walled gardens, either.)

Liz Crain’s rusted oil containers–in ceramic.

The most popular sites I know link to a lot of other sites, either in small quantities in individual blog posts, or through swaps and blog tours. The result is more information, more creativity, and more interesting sharing. I would never have met Michelle Ward (one of the book contributors) or her amazing Street Team challenges (play in the archives while she’s on Sabbatical). For that matter, I would never have met Liz Crain, or T.J. Goerlitz  [both book contributors] whose explanation of Creality made me laugh and cringe in recognition. Open gardens that allow you to explore lead to more creativity. (Or being a contributor to a book).

On Saturdays, I post links to interesting artists, it always causes a boost in the artists’ sites, as readers go to find more. Often the artists send an email thanking me for sending traffic to their site. How boring would it be if I simply linked to old posts of mine? We’d never scratch our heads over Pete’s new blog.

The internet is a big place. Credibility is a good thing. And in my experiencing, linking to answers, ideas, shortcuts, or tips makes my site more interesting, too. It shows trusts in your readers and confidence in the content you have on your site.  Creating meaningful links, tagging your blog (or website) with meaningful descriptions and, of course, great content still is the best way to get loyal readers.

—-Quinn McDonald can’t imagine an internet of solely walled gardens. She has claustrophobia.

Filed under: Links, resources, idea boosts Tagged: Creativity, discovering blogs, open link blogs, walled garden blogs

The Fear of Being You

The most frequent comment in “Jungle Gym for Monkey Mind” (my online poetry class that just started) is a fear of posting their poetry. It’s not surprising. We do creative work and hide it and we don’t have to think about it. But creative work that’s shared is. . . out there. Makes us vulnerable. And vulnerability leads to. . .discovering who we are. Oh.

Make up your own metaphor about this agave. Nope, it’s not an artichoke.

Is it the fear of comparison? Sure. I might like your work more than mine. And then I won’t be as good as I thought I was before I read your work. Of course, it would also be that if I read yours and like it, I could see how you put together your work and learn something about creative work, you and me. That doesn’t sound so bad.

The other, sneakier fear is: what if my poem thrills me and is the best one posted? Then who will I have to be next week? I’ll have to be better than I was last week–and for sure, I can’t do that.

Your Inner Critic is a sociopath. A compulsive mis-director of attention and facts. You are not going to win with the Inner Critic. So, just for now, no matter what creative work you are doing, go with the creative urge. If you mess up, you learn something. If you do well, you also learn something. And best of all, you are doing creative work. Making meaning. Building your courage muscle. Exercising your bravery skills. Not a bad result of writing some poetry, is it?

–Quinn McDonald made paper do incredible things this afternoon. She hopes it can happen again.

Filed under: Coaching, Creativity, Inner Critic Tagged: being afraid, fear, fear of writing