R. Haven's Blog, page 4

Lost Sleep; April 30 2025

I haven’t slept well since casting my early vote in the Canadian election, y’all, but following that uncomfortably close race… I feel much better. I had friends who were talking about emigrating if Pierre Poilievre won, and my only lament was that I wouldn’t be able to join them.

I’m otherwise pleased to report that there’s more progressing behind the scenes of my writing career! A second book on submission, some more short story and poem publications coming up, and the cover for The Other Face of Sympathy coming along!

But, in terms of actual writing of the newest book on the docket… That’s coming much slower.

I think maybe I’m not angry enough with this manuscript. The two books I have on submission were written from a place of fury, my way of railing against problems I can’t fight any other way. This book’s different. This one’s more about creation, the frustration behind the process and the way it gets interpreted…

So, really, maybe the more trouble I have with it, the better it will be.

Even so, I’d really like to get some words down. Wish me luck as I try to kick my motivation forward!

Waiting; April 23 2025

It’s election time in Canada, and I loathe this feeling, like we’re in limbo. On the 28th, we find out whether Canada’s going to be following in the States’ footsteps, or if we’re going to resist.

And the people who know, the ones who recognize the signs of fascism over there… We’re going to resist no matter what, but it’d be a hell of a lot easier to do so with the government on our side.

(Or, not working against us, I guess.)

I’m unfortunately pretty burnt out this week. Exercise has me exhausted, money has me mentally fatigued. I’m staying afloat. It’s tiring, but I’m doing it.

The good news is: my university registration fee was paid this week, so I’m officially good to go for my study of social work this fall!

Now I just need to apply for financial assistance the moment they’ll allow me.

Briar, Briar; April 16 2025

First thing’s first – I have another poem published, this one through The Fairy Tale Magazine! I also got a short story acceptance the other day, so be on the lookout for the link once it’s out!

Things are going pretty well on the exercise front. I’ve stuck to it and while I’m definitely feeling the effects in terms of ‘sore’, I can’t expect any other results this early. Just got to keep at it.

I’m trying to dig into the next novel I’ve got on the docket, but wondering if I’m trying to commit to too many things at once. It doesn’t actually seem like a lot when I list it – fitness, housekeeping, parenting, writing – but it’s… kind of draining. Chronic fatigue makes every task five times bigger. I want to write a little bit daily but can’t seem to find the time, most days.

I’m at that point again in life and my career where I’m teetering on this tightrope, waiting for the right moment to spring to the other side. Short story and poem publications are amazing and help me take a tiny step forward on it, but I’m still not close enough to the end to feel relief. I want a win. A big win.

And maybe that’s unfair! I have a lot of cool things coming up, like going to Can*Con this October and The Other Face of Sympathy coming out September 9th! 

A picture of Conscience, one of the primary characters in ‘The Other Face of Sympathy'‘, art by sutexii.

But I’ll also have school then, which will impede writing, which makes me want to get as much writing done now as I can, and it’s something of a vicious cycle.

Maybe once I’m in a physically healthier place, it’ll be okay to ease off the exercise – not stop completely, but not have to set time aside every day for working up a sweat. And if I can get the bulk of this book’s first draft down, I won’t be struggling so much with motivation.

Anyone out there have any tips for getting your schedule down?

Let's Only Think About Love; April 9 2025

Pleased to report that, one week in, I’ve pretty much stuck to the exercise schedule I’ve set up. I missed one day because life is a busy thing, but still, not bad!

Reminder to y’all that it’s kitten season! Pregnant cats are looking for sheds or crawl spaces to have babies in, so keep an eye out for places kitties might have their litter and notify your local animal shelter if you find any!

That’s… kind of all I have to say, this week. I’m looking for positivity everywhere I can, but I’m finding there isn’t a ton to talk about.

I hope everyone’s taking care of themselves.

Stick to the Schedule; April 2 2025

I don’t know what it is, but something about this month – or, I suppose, the end of last week – has motivated me to exercise. I found a calendar that outlines what area of the body I should focus on each day, I’ve got my Ring Fit game… I’m going to try. Really try.

But I’m trying for my health, and not because I’m fat. These are two separate things.

Growing up, I was severely underweight. I just couldn’t seem to gain anything. I was stick-thin, wearing size 0 jeans, being blown into traffic on windy enough days (and that’s not an exaggeration).

After being pregnant, it became a lot easier to put on weight – and I did, not even intending to. I gained what the Internet affectionately refers to as a ‘Dad bod’. And you know what?

I was actually pretty happy about how I looked.

At first there was a bit of dysmorphia and internalized fatphobia I wrestled with. All my life, I’d been a skinny person. It was hard to see myself any other way. But, in time, I realized I was actually quite comfortable with my body, now. I grew my beard to kind of conceal my jawline, I got top surgery, got tattoos over the scars, and had my belly.

I was… or, I am… pretty satisfied with how I look.

But then I found out a good chunk of my health issues, the ones that aren’t chronic, are due to my liver. Specifically, my liver’s got too much fat in it from processing all the medications I’m on, and since I don’t exercise enough, it’s built up and become an issue.

I’m still waiting to find out what other treatments are available to me, but in the meantime? Exercise is something I can do. It’s something difficult, because chronic pain and a bunch of activity don’t tend to mix, but I can try.

Just, make no mistake. My self-improvement goals have nothing to do with my waistline.

I’m fat and proud of it.

Managing Expectations; March 26 2025

I kind of detest every process that leaves me with hope. Managing my expectations hurts – I constantly remind myself that things could go either way, that keeping myself ready to hear any answer is the best way to brace.

But hey, hoping is what got me this far. I’ve had so many things turn out either ‘bad’ or ‘just okay’ when the potential was great, but I’m here. I feel kind of like the protagonist of a sports’ movie – I’m the boxer who gets the shit kicked out of him but keeps getting back up, even when he’s clearly lost. It ain’t over until I’m dead.

Or until I’m out of debt. One of those two. It’d be nice if it was the latter first.

But for now, I have to keep waiting. Keep seeing the bright side in every rejection my books get while I’m on submission. They’ve all been lovely, at least! Overwhelmingly positive. Just…

Not a yes.

While I wait, I’ve been revisiting older works I’ve written and missing them. Some of them still have a lot of potential but I don’t know what they need. I don’t know what I need. A new project? An old project, with fresh eyes? Time away from writing?

(I don’t think I’m capable of that last one.)

Hoo boy. I really did go into this blog post thinking I’d find positivity along the way, but I think I’m too tired.

Good luck, everybody. Wish me luck too.

We Can Create; March 19 2025

Heads up to my friends in Ottawa (or in that area of Ontario) – I’ll be going to Can*Con this October!

Can*Con is a convention for literary lovers of sci-fi, fantasy, and horror. I’ll be there with my publisher to sell copies of my book, The Other Face of Sympathy, which comes out September 9th!

If you don’t know anything about my book, here’s a quick blurb:

 

Edward Barrett’s grandmother committed suicide. She left him everything. Having been homeless, Edward unquestioningly moves into her apartment, unaware that she left something behind. Something that sinks its teeth, quite literally, into his very existence.

His one shot at figuring out what’s haunting him and saving himself is inside the journals he picked up from Otherside Book Exchange – old diaries, written by people who became monsters. Edward had better read fast, or he’ll be eaten alive.

 

I’m so psyched that this book will be out in the world; I put a lot into it. Research, authenticity/sensitivity readers, and energy. I wrote it when I was going through an exceptionally hard time.

Which leads me to what I want to talk about now, which is… hardship, in general.

Thanks to the people in power in America, a lot of us are facing horrific struggles in the future. They’re trying to erase us, degrade us, and exterminate us if they can.

I’m not one of those people who believes ‘everything happens for a reason’. There’s no good reason for any of this. But what I do believe is, we can create meaning from anything. There can be a time when we look back at this batshit terrible time and say,

It’s over.

We made it, and it’s over.

And then we can heal. We can make something out of the suffering, something beautiful, and that creation will go on to help others heal too.

That’s the best I’ve got. It’s all any of us have right now.

Good luck, all.

Not My President; March 12 2025

There are so many good Americans.

I live in Canada. I’m watching events unfold over there with increasing disgust and fear. I can’t make a positive space for myself here because ‘Governor Donald Trump’ has successfully invaded it.

But that’s all he’s going to be able to do, because Canada will fight. Even if he, somehow, pulls off this annexation he’s so determined to do, Canada will fight. We will never support him. We will never be American.

It doesn’t have to be a war either. The resistance would be slow, and painful for everyone involved. This isn’t the world I wanted my child to grow up in, but it’s precisely what Trump would get.

But none of us should have to suffer through it, including the Americans who didn’t want this. Hell, even some of Trump’s voters didn’t want this.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m terrified.

I say this was no reservation, now: Trump is just Hitler 2.0. They aren’t even trying to hide the Nazi rhetoric, they’re trying to conquer other countries, and their genocide starts with all they’ve done to harm the transgender community.

If you’re reading this, and you’re American, stand up against his regime in any way you can. Please, before it takes off any further. You can think we’re exaggerating all you want. The threat is very real to us, and it’ll become real to you the more ‘acceptable targets’ Trump declares there are.

What We Need; March 5 2025

I am seriously struggling to find a topic to write about today. One that isn’t full of rage, and exhaustion, and disgust, and incredulity. I know I don’t always manage, but I try to make this blog a positive space. Something that makes me reflect on things when they’re hard, try to find the good inside.

Holy hell are politics ever making that difficult.

I think what I’m going to talk about is my kid’s current obsession – the Barbie movie with Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling, because that’s been both a delight and quite funny to me.

We plan on going to Toronto Comic-con next week, where my daughter will be dressing up as Barbie. She’s completely fixated, which really struck me when we first watched it. I expected the jokes, the themes, to all go over her head.

And they do. Thank god for that.

But! That hasn’t stopped her from enjoying it and wanting it played on repeat. Now, part of it is definitely that Margot Robbie is pretty, and my daughter loves nothing more than watching pretty women do things. It just has me thinking about ‘age appropriate’ content though, and how media these days has worked harder to include parents in their kids’ spaces.

She makes fun of me frequently for crying at movies aimed at children, for example. I was a wreck during ‘Inside Out 2’, I sobbed at ‘Wild Robot’, I will put work aside to watch ‘Bluey’ from the corner of my eye. It’s just nice that this has been the evolution, I think? That the creators of kid-friendly content recognize how much easier it is to spend time watching stuff with their kids when the themes resonate with us.

(Disclaimer here. Spending time with my kid also involves, you know, other things. Usually games. I’m not a great imagination-game player – it gets too dark too fast – but sit me in front of a board game and I’m good to go.)

To contrast, one of the shows my kid is on a kick with is ‘Good Luck Charlie’, which isn’t as current. And wow is it ever parent-unfriendly (at least, to me). It made me realize how much of sitcom humour is actually just characters – who are often total strangers to each other! – being snippy and mean. The ‘comedy’ of situational comedy comes from exaggerated characters making fun of each other’s flanderizations. It all seems so mean-spirited.

But that was a kid’s show that endeavoured to appeal to parents, too, and I think it falls flat.

The best written shows are the ones with heart. The ones that are about kindness, at their core – kindness to others, kindness to ourselves.

And we really need that right now.

Vote or Die; February 26 2025

I can’t believe I forgot to update y’all last week, but I have another short story out! ‘In His Image’ is about a statue falling in love with its creator – it was published through Diabolical Plots.

I have a rough weekend ahead of me (medical procedures, nothing too serious but they won’t be fun). I also managed to scrape myself up pretty good by improperly dismounting from an exercise bike. My poor body.

But, on the bright side! I’ve got a way to exercise now that won’t be too hard on my joints. I’m going to do my best to get a little bit of time on the bike once a day, even if it’s only five minutes. Work up to longer little by little.

Now to my main point with this week’s blog post! It’s only relevant to those of us living in Ontario, Canada.

Tomorrow, February 27th, is voting day. Maybe it’s just the area I live in, but there are an overwhelming amount of Conservative signs up, a few for the Liberal party, and nothing for the NDP.

Doug Ford of the Conservative party has accomplished nothing. Or, wait, that’s not true – he’s let housing costs and food prices skyrocket, and while he claims he’ll fight Trump’s attempts to turn Canada into ‘the 51st state’, that’s a promise every candidate has made. The Conservatives do not care about us.

I implore you all to vote tomorrow. Every voice helps tilt the scales.