Rachel Thompson's Blog, page 15
April 1, 2015
#MondayBlogs Giveaway April 2015
Since I created #MondayBlogs in late 2012, even I’m shocked at what an amazing success it has become! Thousands participate each week, generating more than 5,000 tweets! And it is because of all of you that we can say that with a lot of pride and a big ol’ smile! As a thank you to all you wonderful #MondayBlogs tweeps, we launched an ongoing, monthly giveaway contest in April and we couldn’t be happier with the response!
The Featured Monday Blogger giveaway is our way to say thank you for participating in #MondayBlogs by giving you more exposure for you and your blog. Each Monday for one month, you could have a different tweet sent out by @MondayBlogs to all our followers and be featured on IndieBookPromo.com! But wait, there’s more! Following you, the lucky winner, on Twitter would enter others into the next month’s contest!
Who doesn’t want more blog traffic and a free feature? #MondayBlogs
Nice bit of exposure, don’t ya think?
That sound like something you’d be interested in?
If so, enter now!
Featured Blogger March 2015
Inspiration Tree
– Alicia Audrey
Happy Sharing,
Rachel, Will, and Kate
Please note that due to the popularity of Indie Book Promo guest posts will be scheduled according to availability. If you cannot wait for your post to be up you may decline the prize.
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo).
Don’t miss Author Social Media Boot Camp! Take a look: group sessions for authors on a budget. Now you too can get affordable, effective help FAST! Follow @ASMBootCamp on Twitter and sign up today!
March 22, 2015
Five Ways of Seeing Breakable Things by guest @LorenKleinman
Please welcome poet, author and editor Loren Kleinman as she shares five ways of seeing breakable things.
1.
It’s the hairline crack in a cup that I don’t see right away. The length of the split stretches down to the base of the wide expanse. I hold it in my hands and I’m in a sea of tea. I take a chance and sip from its lip. Waves drip down my chin.
2.
Last night the wind howled, sounded like a helicopter breaking apart in the air. It’s wings held back by the wind reached out in pieces. Its breath was a shard that sliced against the pane.
It’s just one aspect of this apartment life: the split from the inside. But I’ve seen this before. The yolk splits on the plate, runs off the bread. I remember when I split the egg, slept in the atom at the center of my Mama’s belly. I split her, once in half, too.
3.
I love the cracks in my skin, the small lines, a web at the edge of my mouth. Love the time it takes for things like this to happen: age.
4.
Now, I’m just a Goblin fish caught in a net. I was sold for salmon filet. My face was hideous; my mouth, a shotgun.
The woman that cut my belly ripped my intestines with her knife.
I loved once, in pieces.
5.
I look back at the cup. Its break lets the light in. I see more clearly now, through the split, this new shape against my hand. It’s reflection in the window, mixed in with the wind; all the burst pieces of its breath reshape this fracture. I can almost feel the breeze in my hands.
About the Author:
Loren Kleinman is an American-born poet and writer with roots in New Jersey. Her writing explores the results of love and loss, and how both themes affect an individual’s internal and external voice. She has a B.A. in English Literature from Drew University and an M.A. in Creative and Critical Writing from the University of Sussex (UK).
Connect with Loren on her website.
Breakable Things:
From the author of the breathtaking The Dark Cave Between My Ribs, Loren Kleinman, comes the intense and heartfelt new poetry collection, Breakable Things. Look for the release of Breakable Things this March.
After the fracture, after the breaks in the surface, there is always light. Breakable Things is a testament to the idea that everything is breakable, and everything somehow finds its way back together again. Whether it’s past, present, and future; falling in love and out; or darkness and light, life is full of beautiful contrasts. Loren Kleinman presents the world in breakable objects: bones, cabinets, hearts, sexuality, and more. She shows us that broken does not mean damaged, and that it’s a necessary part in the process of becoming a whole person.
Readers can order Breakable Things on Amazon.
Broken Places is available NOW from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo). Enter the free feature giveaway here!
All content copyrighted unless otherwise specified. © 2015 by Rachel Thompson, author. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided a link back to this page and proper attribution is given to me as the original author.
Photo courtesy of pixabay.
March 15, 2015
Trauma Survivors Have Symptoms Instead of Memories by guest @LinneaButlerMFT
“Trauma survivors have symptoms instead of memories”
Harvey, M. (1990). An ecological view of psychological trauma and recovery. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 9(1)
It can be really tough to try to make sense of a past trauma and how it effects you in the here and now. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has a specific set of symptoms, such as nightmares and flashbacks. But the reality of complex trauma resulting from repeated traumatic events is that the effects go far beyond the symptoms outlined in the DSM.
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds”
~LK Hamilton
One of the first steps in healing from trauma is to understand the problems that you are having in your life and how they might relate back to the traumas. Not every problem originates with trauma, but there are some problems that originate with trauma that you might not expect.
As you look at this image, what do you notice? Are you experiencing any of these problems in your life? Have any of these symptoms started to emerge as you are getting older?
Trauma is often buried in non-verbal memories and stored in a different part of the brain than typical, chronological memories. These non-verbal trauma memories can be hazy images, familiar smells, body aches, nightmares, urges to do things that harm you (like addiction) or noticing that certain situations, colors or sounds trigger an emotional response that seems out of proportion with the situation. Over time, those non-verbal memories begin to surface and become more problematic in your life. The trauma is ready to speak and be heard. That’s when you know it’s time to seek some help.
“All emotions, even those that are suppressed and unexpressed, have physical effects. Unexpressed emotions tend to stay in the body like small ticking time bombs—they are illnesses in incubation.”
― Marilyn Van Derbur, Miss America By Day: Lessons Learned From Ultimate Betrayals And Unconditional Love
Trauma survivors are more vulnerable and susceptible to these kinds of problems or symptoms. During trauma your nervous system goes into hyper-drive, releasing stress hormones such as cortisol. These hormones prepare you for action, like running away or fighting. If you aren’t able to run or fight, then you head for other defenses like freezing in place so you might not be seen, or playing dead. Then later, when you experience triggers such as an image, smell or thought, your nervous system thinks it’s back in the past trauma and fires off cortisol again. BAM, you’re in hyper-drive again and you get overwhelmed by emotions.
So here’s the good news. You can learn to modulate your emotions as part of the healing process. With coping skills you can dampen the emotional rollercoaster. With self care you become less vulnerable and can tolerate more stimuli without getting triggered. The overall result is that you feel more stable in your life, your symptom are reduced and you can regulate your emotions.
If you’re experiencing a number of the symptoms above, you might want to seek therapy from a trauma professional. In the meantime, here are a couple of tips you can apply to your life.
Coping Skills: When you feel overwhelmed by emotion there are some things you can use to distract yourself for a short time. Note, these tips do not solve the problem and you’ll need to come back to it later on when you feel stronger.
Imagine placing painful thoughts and emotions in a box and then putting that box on a shelf.
Run your hands under very cold water. Splash cold water on your face and back of your neck. The cold distracts your body and mind away from what is causing you pain.
Hand wash a dish very slowly. Wash just one dish and pay attention to every second of the experience. That will take you out of the past and bring you into the present.
Self Care: Do something that you find enjoyable. Tune in to one of your five senses.
Make and drink some yummy tea (smell and taste)
Look at a beautiful picture (sight)
Smell a flower or some hand lotion (smell)
Listen to soothing music (sound)
Curl up with a fuzzy blanket or put fresh sheets on the bed (touch)
Self care can include a sixth sense, motion, like going for a walk or exercising or doing yoga.
Everyone needs to do self care, whether they have trauma or not. We all have stressors in our lives and conscious, intentional self care can help reduce our vulnerability to emotional stress.
Please note, these tips are not a replacement for therapy. If you are feeling overwhelmed please seek the help of a professional.
More information about Trauma Therapy: www.bayareamh.com/therapy-for-trauma
More information about Sexual Abuse and the Brain: www.bayareamh.com/blog/sexual-abuse-you-dont-just-get-over-it-pt1
Linnea Butler, LMFT
Bay Area Mental Health
Los Gatos, CA
linnea@bayareamh.com
Website | Twitter | LinkedIn | Facebook
Broken Places is available NOW — yay! from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo). Enter the free feature giveaway here!
All content copyrighted unless otherwise specified. © 2015 by Rachel Thompson, author. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided a link back to this page and proper attribution is given to me as the original author.
Photo at top courtesy of Unsplash. Guest author photo courtesy of Linnea Butler MFT.
March 8, 2015
The Power of Sistering Within the Survivor Community by @TruthisHers
I am a fierce advocate of survivors of childhood abuse being involved in a support community during their recovery journey. The power of a safe group of survivors to providing encouragement, perspective and education to one another is.is so incredible that I require it of all of my private and group clients. Being amongst others who truly understand our experience, welcome us with no judgment or disdain and provide us with a constant stream of support erodes shame, self-loathing, and the desire to isolate unlike any other treatment modality I’ve seen – including individual therapy and medication. Community, I tell people, is shame’s Kryptonite.
Every week in our Twitter chats and Facebook groups for survivors of childhood abuse I watch magic unfold as people who’ve never felt understood or connected to another human being experience those things for the first time. I see survivors stop in their tracks and say, “Hey, me too!” in an absolutely gleeful way when they hear someone else describe a reaction, thought, or life circumstances they thought they were the only one in the world to have had. In an instant I watch their countenance shift and I know they are going to walk away from that chat or discussion thread with a sense of belonging and hope that they didn’t have before.
WHAT IS SISTERING?
Within the overall concept of community involvement is a unique process I refer to as sistering. It’s an engineering term that I’ve co-opted to describe the way survivors come alongside and provide both strength and protection to one another. In the last year I’ve seen it move people along in their healing journey with such success that I want to pull it apart from the overarching community activities category and shine a light specifically upon it.
Within the field of engineering sistering means: “the reinforcement of a structural member by nailing or attaching a stronger piece to a weaker one”. It is usually done to a joist, which holds up a floor or a ceiling. A cracked or damaged joist, rather than being replaced, is reinforced so it can continue to fulfill its original purpose.
When we’re abused we are often left feeling damaged, powerless, and like we don’t belong any good place. Our abuse has lied to us for years, convincing us that we’re worthless and even bad because we “allowed” our abuse to happen. We feel broken, hopeless and powerless to change our situation.
When new members come into our survivor communities this is most often the state they are in: feeling so much despair that they are on the edge of collapse at any moment. They are hungry for two things: support and protection. Sistering provides both of those things.
HOW IT WORKS
In the middle of hopelessness many survivors don’t believe they have the strength or capacity to recover – that they will never accomplish the purpose they were put on this earth to fulfill. I hear, “I can’t do it one more day,” so often. I understand. I’ve been there. That feeling is very real. “I know you don’t think you can,” I tell them, “We’ll be here to help you until you can walk forward on your own again.”
When I say to them that they are wonderful, deserving and strong they often tell me, “No, I’m not.” I always respond, “I know you don’t think that you are. But that doesn’t change the fact that you are. I’ll keep telling you until you believe it for yourself.” I loan them my strength, my hope, and my power until they’ve proceeded far enough in their recovery to reclaim their own.
IMPORTANCE OF SISTERING
Sistering also provides protection, which is deeply necessary in recovery. To heal the damage from our abuse we have to confront it. It’s a painful process that leaves us feeling even more broken before it deposits us on the road to strength. Our thoughts are focused on our emotions and memories – we might be overcome with flashbacks or endlessly looping triggers. In those moments we’re vulnerable, much as a woman is when she’s laboring and delivering. We need protection, someone to come alongside and wrap us in their strength while we do the work we need to do to birth a new life. We need sistering.
I love working with survivors. Co-hosting our two weekly Twitter chats is a highlight of my week. Getting to witness the connection of one survivor with another is magical. I get to see them move alongside one another with such generosity of compassion and encouragement to give each other strength, protection and a sacred space to heal. It’s an honor to see them do this without prompting. They innately know what one another needs, and they provide it without asking for anything in return.
When those being sistered recover, they exchange roles and move on to provide what was given to them by sistering the next broken, hopeless survivor who needs someone to provide for them what they cannot provide for themselves.
Broken Places is available NOW — yay! from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo). Enter the free feature giveaway here!
All content copyrighted unless otherwise specified. © 2015 by Rachel Thompson, author. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided a link back to this page and proper attribution is given to me as the original author.
Photo courtesy of pixabay
March 5, 2015
#MondayBlogs Giveaway March 2015
Since I created #MondayBlogs in late 2012, even I’m shocked at what an amazing success it has become! Thousands participate each week, generating more than 5,000 tweets! And it is because of all of you that we can say that with a lot of pride and a big ol’ smile! As a thank you to all you wonderful #MondayBlogs tweeps, we launched an ongoing, monthly giveaway contest in April and we couldn’t be happier with the response!
The Featured Monday Blogger giveaway is our way to say thank you for participating in #MondayBlogs by giving you more exposure for you and your blog. Each Monday for one month, you could have a different tweet sent out by @MondayBlogs to all our followers and be featured on IndieBookPromo.com! But wait, there’s more! Following you, the lucky winner, on Twitter would enter others into the next month’s contest!
Who doesn’t want more blog traffic and a free feature? #MondayBlogs
Nice bit of exposure, don’t ya think?
That sound like something you’d be interested in?
If so, enter now!
Featured Blogger February 2015
Pavarti K Tyler
Happy Sharing,
Rachel, Will, and Kate
Please note that due to the popularity of Indie Book Promo guest posts will be scheduled according to availability. If you cannot wait for your post to be up you may decline the prize.
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo).
Don’t miss Author Social Media Boot Camp! Take a look: group sessions for authors on a budget. Now you too can get affordable, effective help FAST! Follow @ASMBootCamp on Twitter and sign up today!
March 1, 2015
M is for Munchers by guest Alexandria Constantinova Szeman (@Alexandria_SZ)
Please welcome author of several award-winning books, Alexandria Constantinova Szeman as she shares her story. Warning: May Contain Triggers
“The first time I realized someone was trying to kill me, I was four years old.”
Thus begins my memoir, which, unhappily, is about a certain category of female serial killers, of which my mother is one. Female serial killers are usually more successful than their male equivalent, sometimes termed “sexual predators,” if only because the females tend to prey on people already known to them, and to use methods of killing that are rarely discovered, such as suffocation or poison. To date, there are 4 recognized categories of female serial killers, not including Team Killers, who work with partners and are most like male serial killers in other aspects.
Black Widows, who kill for insurance, social welfare, or inheritance monies;
Medeas, who kill their own or adopted children to punish or otherwise manipulate the men in their lives;
Angels of Death, who are often in hospitals or Nursing Homes and kill in ways that are undetectable during autopsy or in ways that are ultimately considered part of their victims’ disease process; and
Munchers, who practice Munchausen’s by Proxy (MBP), an untreatable and incurable personality disorder where the women intentionally and repeatedly abuse, torture, sicken, injure, and sometimes kill their children (or other people dependent upon them for care), attempt to “save” the child if there is an audience present, rush the child to the hospital or doctor in order to acquire said audience if none is available in the home — all so the MBP women themselves can get attention, praise, love, and respect for being a Good Mother.
My mother is a Muncher.
MBP is not a new phenomenon, though it has only been officially recognized and named in the last 40 years, nor does MBP simply “appear” after these women become mothers. Just as male serial killers do not suddenly begin raping, torturing, and killing others when they become adults, MBP women – often called Munchers by the medical community and law enforcement officials who have discovered the abuse and killings – do not suddenly begin hurting children after they give birth.
Munchers’ childhood histories reveal that they originally got the attention and “love” they so desperately crave by practicing its precursor personality disorder, Munchausen’s, which is also incurable and untreatable. A person who practices Munchausen’s intentionally sickens or inflicts injury on himself in order to receive medical attention as well as intensive care from family members. Both men and women practice Muchausen’s, at about the same rate, but males very rarely transfer their violent, self-destructive, attention-seeking behavior onto one of their children.
94-98% of female Munchausers, however, discover an easier way to get the “love” they so desperately seek. They use a “proxy” – sickening or inflicting injury on someone else, usually a child, attempting to “save” the victim when there is an audience, and then seeking extensive medical attention for the proxy – in order to gain admiration, respect, and love for themselves in their own role as selfless caregiver. Munchausen’s by Proxy is always preceded by Munchausen’s, and, if the children are taken away from the MBP mother or if they simply leave home, the MBP mother returns to her self-destructive Munchausen’s behavior.
My own mother killed at least two children before I was born. Within the family, these incidents were called a “miscarriage” and a “stillbirth.” Both occurred at the home of her parents since they happened before she ran away to Kentucky and got married when she discovered that she was pregnant for the third time. My biological father, who was also the father of the previous 2 babies, was himself 31-33 at the time. I was born when my mother was 12. I got all of this information from my own medical records — not from my mother herself — as well as from her family members, who often argued about these things amongst themselves when they thought they were alone.
My mother tried to kill me before I was born by insisting that the doctor induce labor when she was approximately 5 months pregnant. She told him that he’d gotten her due-date wrong. (She told me this story herself many times when I was growing up, though she omitted the part about her age, the fact that she was less than 5 months pregnant, and she insisted that she’d been trying to “save me” because she’d been “past her due date.”) The doctor resisted her request for 6 weeks before finally surrendering and inducing labor, only to discover, to his horror, that I was at least 2 months premature upon birth.
While I remained in the hospital after birth, my mother tried to kill me with an unidentified poison — hospital records indicate an additional ¼ ounce of fluid in my formula whenever she fed me. The nurses noted the additional amount of fluid in my records on the nights my mother visited as well as the fact that, after she’d fed me, I projectile-vomited, lost a drastic amount of weight, was listless and lethargic, and had to be “forced” to take the formula from my mother on future occasions.
The nurses eventually requested that the doctor be present at my mother’s evening feedings, but only after they discovered a large lump and severe bruising on my head after one of her visits. Once the doctor was present when my mother fed me, the amount of formula did not increase, and I stopped being ill during my remaining stay in the hospital.
My MBP mother was trying to kill me before and after I was born — a pattern which never stopped as long as I lived at home with her, and which I first realized when I was 4.
I discovered my own pre-memory MBP abuse when I was an adult, from my medical records, which were difficult to find not only because of my age but because hospitals and doctors’ offices simply do not follow the laws requiring them to retain medical records. Once I gathered as many of my records as I could, however, it was obvious that, in every instance, my mother was doing something very wrong to me, and that the medical personnel knew it, though they weren’t sure exactly what she was doing.
Each doctor and medical facility where I received treatment as a child eventually refused to continue seeing me, thereby absolving themselves of the moral dilemma about how to handle my Muncher mother. This contributed to the difficulty in locating my own medical records, and many MBP victims experience this difficulty in confirming their mothers’ suspected MBP abuse because Munchers “doctor-shop” whenever a doctor or hospital refuses to do invasive, painful procedures – often suggested by the MBP mother herself – or when they begin to suspect her stories about the child’s injuries and illnesses.
I always knew there was something wrong with my mother, though I didn’t know what it was. I just thought she hated me and my siblings. She certainly told us that often enough. She also claimed we were stupid, ugly, fat, clumsy, retarded, and [insert any other insult that would permanently damage a child’s self-esteem]. That’s an aspect of MBP abuse that’s often not recognized: the constant emotional and psychological abuse that always accompanies the physical abuse and attempted killings.
So, from at least the age of 4, I knew something was wrong with my mother, yet I thought I deserved everything she did to me because I ruined her life by being born (that’s what she always told me) and by being too stupid to know when to die (which is what she said whenever she “revived” me after drowning me during my bath, or smothering me with my pillow).
Of course, I didn’t realize that she meant the latter statement literally. I thought her “wanting me to die” was her obviously inappropriate way of saying that she didn’t want children. Therefore, I constantly ran away, beginning at age 4, seeking a new mother. I also told every adult in my life, from family members and neighbors, to teachers and medical personnel, exactly what my mother was doing to me and my siblings, while begging them to find me another home.
No one listened.
Actually, I suppose they did listen. They just always insisted that mothers don’t do things like that to their children. Then they’d contact my mother, tell her what I’d revealed to them in the strictest confidence after eliciting their promise that they would not tell my mother, listen to her weeping protestations of innocence and her insistence that I was such a liar and the biggest storyteller [she’d] ever met, then send me home with her, where I would be subjected to even more severe abuse for not keeping my “big mouth shut.”
It’s rare for Munchers’ victims to be aware that their mothers are intentionally hurting them. For one thing, it’s incredibly emotionally painful to realize that your own mother is repeatedly seriously hurting you or constantly making you violently ill on purpose just because she wants attention for herself, because she’s bored, because it excites her, because she can, or because no one will stop her. It’s not a surprise that such information gets repressed by the victims, most of whom are children.
More integral to MBP abuse and to the victims’ inability to “recall” such abuse, however, is the Muncher’s role of “The Good Mother.” If there’s an audience, be it family members or strangers, the Muncher will be the most affectionate, caring, concerned person imaginable. If the audience is comprised of medical personnel who are attending her sick or injured child, her Good Mother performance becomes Oscar-worthy. This discrepancy between the private and public personae of the Muncher — violently abusive in private, but incredibly loving in public — causes most child-victims to repress the abuse, though studies have demonstrated that even MBP victims who cannot actively remember the abuse never feel safe around their mothers, and do not believe that their mothers ever loved or cared for them.
How does a Muncher get away with constantly taking her children to emergency rooms with severe injuries or to doctors for treatment of bizarre illnesses?
By making up stories about what happened to the victims, and by constantly insisting that if she herself hadn’t been there to “save” the victims, they would, no doubt, be dead. Being a Saviour is an integral part of the Muncher’s Good Mother role, so she tells these stories over and over, receiving praise from her listeners, and it is these stories of what happened to the children that her victims eventually begin to believe.
A Muncher also gets away with her repeated, violent abuse because she tends to marry or be in relationships with men who are emotionally unavailable and sometimes physically absent (traveling for work, for example). When present, the men simply ignore what is happening to the children.
In homes where the adult male — be he father, stepfather, or boyfriend — is sexually abusive to the children, the MBP abuse significantly increases in severity and number of occurrences. My father first raped me when I was 3, and my mother walked in while it was happening: she blamed me. My stepfather raped and sodomized me, and forced me to perform fellatio on him, from the time I was 5 to 18. He repeatedly raped my siblings until each ran away from home. My mother’s MBP abuse increased each time she discovered another instance of his sexual abuse. (My mother raped me herself, with implements, when I was 11, but she did not take me for medical treatment of my injuries.) None of us children were ever taken in for treatment when we were sexually abused or raped. Whether Munchers view the male’s sexual abuse of the children as “permission” for the MBP woman’s own increased violence and abuse of the children, or as retaliation against their spouses or partners for “infidelity” is not known, but studies support the evidence of increased MBP abuse in homes where the adult male is also sexually abusive to the children.
Because I knew, from an early age, what my mother was doing to me and my siblings, I am one of the rare MBP survivors. As far as I can determine, I am unique among MBP survivors because, from the time I was 4 years old, I also constantly told people exactly what my mother was doing to all of us. No one ever believed me — not even when confronted with physical evidence like X-rays of multiple, now-healed, broken bones — but that never stopped me from telling everyone I could.
I wanted her stopped.
I want all women like her stopped.
We can only stop women who practice MBP by becoming more educated about the components of this incurable, untreatable personality disorder.
First of all, self-destructive Munchausen’s behavior always precedes Munchausen’s by Proxy, so if MBP is suspected, the woman’s own childhood and pre-motherhood medical history should be investigated.
Once she has children, the Munchauser transforms into a Muncher by injuring and sickening a proxy instead of hurting her own body to get the attention she needs. Sometimes, these women will hurt pets if no children or other dependent family members are available; in fact, veterinarians were reporting this suspicious abuse and confiscating pets before medical doctors acknowledged it.
Additionally, the Muncher will virtually always attempt to “save” the victim in front of an audience. If no audience is immediately available, she will take the victim to a medical facility or call 911 herself in order to obtain that necessary audience, for which she will “perform” the Savior and Good Mother roles.
Intense medical attention for the victim — into which the Muncher inserts herself, by insisting on administering medications herself, for instance, even in a hospital environment, or by suggesting invasive and dangerous medical procedures — is an essential component in this personality disorder, though no one knows the reason for this.
Munchers will not take a child in for treatment of any injuries caused by the father, even if it is rape, sodomy, or other sexual abuse. They will not seek medical treatment for normal childhood illnesses, such as chicken pox, nor for injuries resulting from accidents which they themselves did not cause, such as a fall from the swing-set.
Munchers will not obtain medical attention for a child’s illnesses which they did not induce themselves, such as strep throat or appendicitis, since not getting immediate attention will increase the severity of the illness and risk the child’s life. Only when the child is in crisis from something like a burst appendix will the Muncher “suddenly” recognize the “danger” and “save” the child by rushing it to the Emergency Room or calling 911. My own mother did these things with my siblings.
Respect, admiration, and “love” from medical personnel, family members, neighbors, colleagues, and even strangers is the Muncher’s “reward” for being such a Good Mother (or caregiver of an elderly parent, for example) and is a necessary component of this personality disorder.
Posing as ideal mothers and self-less caregivers, women who practice Munchausen’s by Proxy are one of the most dangerous female serial killers yet identified. Many of their victims survive and escape, however, as I did.
If you believe that you are or have been a victim of MBP, you should gather as many of your medical records as possible. Then you should seek professional help immediately.
If you suspect that someone else is a victim of MBP, do not confront the child or the suspected mother as this will often cause the Muncher to disappear with the victim. Instead, contact your local law enforcement agency or Children’s Services (but be sure they are aware of MBP). I have listed some sources below.
As for me, I have many physical injuries which can never be healed. I was unable to ever have children, for example, because of that especially violent act of sexual abuse on my MBP mother’s part. She did not seek medical attention for me after that incident since her own severe abuse of me would have been discovered, and, besides, it was not MBP abuse. I have been through many years of therapy to help heal the emotional damage. Writing a book about my mother and women like her helped me grieve and heal.
My goal now is to prevent other children from dying and from being irrevocably damaged, as were my own brothers and sisters, by shining a glaring light on this most hideous type of child abuse and the serial killers “next door.”
Resources & Help For MBP Victims
If you believe that you are or have been a victim of MBP, then you should seek professional help immediately. The Resources listed here may be able to direct you to therapists or doctors in your area who can provide assistance. If you suspect that someone else is a victim of MBP, you should immediately contact one of the resources below, or your local Children’s Services, or Law Enforcement Agency. Do not, under any circumstances, confront the suspected MBP-woman yourself as such action may precipitate the Muncher’s (and child’s) immediate disappearance.
Childhelp USA
800-422-4453
480-922-8212
in DC 703-241-9100
(they can also provide toll-free numbers for each state)
American Psychological Association: Locate A Therapist
800-374-2723
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800-799-7233
Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN)
800-656-7233
ABA Center on Children and the Law
800-285-2221
American Humane Association, Children’s Division
800-227-4645
303-792-9900
American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children
312-554-0166
American Public Human Services Association (APWA) State Contacts
202-682-0100
National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA)
800-879-6682
202-232-6682
Prevent Child Abuse America Crisis & Support Contacts
800-244-5373
312-663-3520
About the Author:
Alexandria is the author of several award-winning, critically acclaimed books, including The New York Times Book Review‘s “Best Book” and Kafka Award Winner “for best book of prose fiction by an American woman,” The Kommandant’s Mistress.
M is for Munchers: The Serial Killers Next Door | Website | Blog | Twitter | Pinterest
Broken Places is available NOW — yay! from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
Enter my Valentine’s Day Godiva Truffle giveaway — a $50 value — and win a free eBook of Broken Places, too!
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo). Enter the free feature giveaway here!
All content copyrighted unless otherwise specified. © 2015 by Rachel Thompson, author. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided a link back to this page and proper attribution is given to me as the original author.
February 19, 2015
What Happens When You Walk Through The Fire
When I finally decided it was time to tell my (almost-ex) husband I wanted him to move out, that I wanted a divorce, I wasn’t ready to walk through the fire. I’d skipped around the burning coals for years, dancing past the cinders, dropping hints through smoke so thick, it choked my ability to be honest with him.
So I drifted further into myself, the cloud of silence growing, the fire building.
When silence didn’t work, we had conversations about what needed to change, what we both needed to work on. I loved him. It wasn’t that. It’s still not that. He’s a good man, a good father. I’ve known him almost half my life. My god, how is that possible?
My feet continued to burn.
I blurted it out one day, “You need to leave!” in a rush before I lost my nerve, my soles on fire. I couldn’t breathe with his booming voice, his anxiety vibrating, snapping at the very air of his slamming door, slamming drawer, clutter-filled presence. I needed peace. I wanted counter space. To breathe in my own clear air.
My soul burning.
So he left. Not without some protest, a mountain of bills, and the upheaval of our now suitcase-carrying, back and forth children who think I’m being selfish. And that’s okay. I see their point. They are too young to understand that breathing isn’t selfish. It’s more important that we do this thing together, focusing on co-parenting them, and we are. We are friends. He still calls me “Hon,” after twenty-two years together, which is sweet and only slightly strange, as when a child calls you by your first name.
It’s been easier, and harder, to go through than around. There is no detour when it comes to ending a marriage. “You will have to walk through the fire,” my therapist told me, and she’s right. Nobody does this for you. It’s a grown-up thing, this divorce business.
You dig through the ashes for answers, and realize that you are just as imperfect as you fear, that all those cliches about change are so fucking true. I don’t blame him. I don’t blame me. I don’t even blame change. Maybe I’m fooling myself, but taking a Zen approach to it all has helped immensely.
I realize control is an illusion. We can’t shape a tattered love that’s no longer there, yet I can choose to cherish memories, and be thankful for happy times and amazing kids. That we’ve salvaged enough of it to still care about each other and our family makes me if not happy, at least grateful for this solo walk.
I’m damaged. I’m healing. I’m tending my scars.
The way it is with any kind of burn.
Broken Places is available NOW — yay! from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo). Enter the free feature giveaway here!
All content copyrighted unless otherwise specified. © 2015 by Rachel Thompson, author. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided a link back to this page and proper attribution is given to me as the original author.
Photos courtesy of Unsplash.com
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10 things I wish I’d known before getting divorced
Does Love Have An Expiration Date?
Positive Effects Of Divorce On Children
10 Tips for Self Care During Divorce
Only healthy divorce can save happy marriage
February 15, 2015
Survivors and Money Management by guest @itsamyrobles
Many survivors of childhood abuse find themselves struggling with money management in their adulthood, for a variety of reasons. We likely didn’t get much help learning good money management skills when we were children, either because our family was so dysfunctional or we were too busy surviving to learn how to budget or save. Perhaps, as an adult we found shopping, spending and buying lessened our pain, if only for a little while. Maybe we grew up and found ourselves in another abusive relationship. Our partner ruins our credit and leaves us deeply in debt.
Regardless of the reason, you might now be sitting in a situation where you are deeply in debt and even more deeply ashamed. You need some help, but don’t know where to turn. To help us all I turned to a wonderful woman, Amy Robles. Amy has a website called Woman Enriched. She teaches families how to not only manage their money but get out of debt. Best of all, she does it with compassion and kindness. I’m delighted to have Amy here today to give us some basic money management and debt eradication strategies!
5 Steps to Take Control of Your Money, So your Money Doesn’t Control You by Amy Robles
Money affects every part of our lives. As of December 2014, the average US household debt is $15,611. The choices you make every day matter. Don’t know where to start? Here are 5 steps that give you control of your money, instead of your money controlling you.
One: See all your bills
Pull out every bill. Every single payment that you have. This may mean that you clean out the area where mail is kept. Got them all together? Good. Look at that pile. Get mad at it. Realize that this pile represents all the times you either let people control you with money or didn’t take responsibility for how you were spending.
Now don’t beat yourself up over this. We all make mistakes. When my husband was on deployment, I was in a new place with a newborn and lonelier than I’d ever been. Spending money seemed to temporarily fill the hole in my heart. So give yourself a break. It doesn’t matter how you got here. You are taking control.
Two: Write it down
Now, take one sheet of paper and write down every bill. All of these are debts, right? What about rent? How much is car insurance? How much do you spend on groceries? Write it all down. We thought we had every expense and bill down but kept having to add more. Don’t worry if that’s you, too. Keep adding to that list.
Three: Make your plan
Now this is where it gets exciting. (Notice, I have never said the word “budget”. That word has such a negative connotation. You don’t need to feel punished, you’re making a plan.) This is where you decide between a want and a need. You need food. You don’t need to go out to eat every night. Determine between needs and wants.
On a new sheet of paper make some categories, like: home, food, transportation, utilities, medical, personal, debt. Under home you’d put the mortgage/rent payment. And insurance. Add it to the list. That’s your housing money plan.
Next category, transportation. Have a car payment? What about insurance? Gas money, too. What about money to pay for tires, brakes and repairs that will come up? Someone use a monthly bus/subway pass? Add it to the list. That’s your transportation money plan.
Now on to the food category. How much do you spend on groceries? Don’t worry if you don’t know, most people haven’t paid attention. When we first started our budget we learned we spent $800 per month on food for 2 adults and a child. Whoa. That’s a lot! Now we can shop at Costco and a grocery store, spending between $400-500 per month. We were spending $400 more per month than was necessary and didn’t even know it.
Do this for all the remaining categories. For your debts, write every one down, with the total balance and minimum payment due.
Four: Make Your Payments
Dave Ramsey suggests filling envelopes with cash so you watch exactly where your money is going. You may decide to use an app, like Mint and Level. Both are free, could be the perfect place to start. Have you considered YNAB? You pay for the software one time and it updates your home computer and all mobile devices to keep you and all your family members up to date. Whichever system you decide, stick with it so that you make sure that all your needs are covered.
Payments are due monthly, but your income can arrive at different times. You decide when to make payments. Want to move your billing cycle back one week to make it easier? Call the company. Take control, but with kindness.
Here is what the bill collectors don’t want you to know: Pay YOU first. Pay your necessities of home, food, transportation and utilities first. Only after they are taken care of, everything else goes to paying off debt.
There’s three main strategies to paying off debt quickly. How do you attack your debt? The debt snowball says: start with the smallest total balance, pay that one off first, while maintaining the minimum payments to the rest of the debt. After that one is paid off you take the money you would use for that payment and add it to the next payment, while maintaining minimum payments on all of the rest. The good news is that you see progress happening quickly that give you the momentum to keep at it through tougher times. The difficulty is that you are paying higher interest to on other debts.
The debt avalanche says: The payment has the highest interest rate gets every penny extra, while paying the minimums on all other debt. Keep at that until you have it paid off. Then move on to the next highest interest rate. The good is that you are eliminating the high interest rates. The bad is that you have to stay consistent and it can be difficult to not see a change.
There’s even the debt snowflake theory, which says: make every penny count. Literally. Got change back from the groceries this week? Throw it to the debt. Sold your old baby toys on Craig’s list for $5? On to the debt. It’s about making all this teeny changes to add up to debt repayment plan.
This is tough at first. Don’t think you’ll hit a homerun the first time you try this. No one does. Our first “Plan-Payment Process” took us a few hours. But we started answering questions we’d been avoiding. My husband and I started working together as a team.
There’s one rule about the Plan to Payment Process, all parties involved have a voice. No yelling, just communicating and figuring out how you can work together with it. Now, after months of doing this we can do it all in about a half hour. And know what’s been a bonus? Our communication is better than it’s been in years. We are working together as a team.
Five: Evaluate the Plan
You’ve made the plan and worked the plan for a month. Now, it’s time to evaluate the plan. Did you save up way too much money for transportation and now have a surplus? Did you under-budget the amount you need for food? Make those little changes and this next month will be a little easier. In the beginning, you may need to meet and evaluate every week because you forgot to add payments in. This is your process you’re creating. Make it work for you.
Have you considered working an additional part-time job, even for a short while, to get ahead? Have you thought about starting an online business or selling some items you have at home? Increase your income to help you get out of debt quickly.
Repeat steps 3-5. Forever.
This is where the discipline comes in. You’ll have things come up next week or next month that you hadn’t even thought of. Now you know how to work it into the budget. Imagine having $800 in August ready to go for holiday shopping. It’s possible when you put $100 away per month, or $50 per paycheck, just for the holidays. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
I want you to have that feeling of being in control of your own life. You can make tremendous changes in a short time. In fact, tweet me @itsamyrobles and tell me how things are going.
Broken Places is available NOW — yay! from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
Enter my Valentine’s Day Godiva Truffle giveaway — a $50 value — and win a free eBook of Broken Places, too!
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo). Enter the free feature giveaway here!
All content copyrighted unless otherwise specified. © 2015 by Rachel Thompson, author. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided a link back to this page and proper attribution is given to me as the original author.
February 8, 2015
This Is the Reason Migraines Affect Sex Abuse Survivors
I’ve had migraines since well, my teens — more intensely since my late twenties. I’ve seen neurologists. I’ve had MRIs. I’ve tried chiropractics. Alternative therapies (acupuncture, massage). Dietary changes. Botox. Behavioral therapy. EVERYTHING. I’m fifty-one now and as I write this, I’m on a preventive treatment that includes medication and diet, exercise, meditation, and therapy, and I still get them. In fact, I’m in a stretch right now that’s lasted about a week and it’s just as awful as you can imagine.
But I function. I’m luckier than most, though on bad days I feel like crawling into a cave of soft blankets and binge-watching Scandal reruns for hours and hey, sometimes I do. I may not be a gladiator, but I can watch them on TV.
Meds like triptans (Imitrex, Relpax, etc), aka serotonin receptor agonists, are the most effective in terms of treatment because they are non-addicting and work quickly. Triptans narrow (constrict) blood vessels in the brain and relieve swelling (Source: WedMd). They are also expensive if not covered by your formulary, and don’t come without their own side effects (sensitivity to hot and cold, nausea, sleepiness). Like any medication, you can only take so much without experiencing rebound (aka, a form of dependence), so you have to mix in anti-inflammatories along with stronger meds, if needed. Occasionally, I’ve had to go to an urgent care for a Toradol (anti-inflammatory) shot or even the ER for a shot of Demoral when the pain has been THAT bad.
What’s interesting to me is that nobody, not one physician or health care specialist, ever once suggested that my migraines could in any way be tied to the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. It’s only through my own research and connection with the amazing community of survivors (in #SexAbuseChat that I started last year with therapist/survivor Bobbi Parish, every Tuesday on Twitter at 6pm PST — join us — all survivors and families are welcome) that I realized how commonly migraines occur in survivors.
Let’s deconstruct.
PTSD IN SURVIVORS
Take a look at the research. Here’s just a quick sample:
“Several studies demonstrate that childhood injury or abuse makes it more likely to develop migraine later in life. The more severe the abuse, the stronger the link grows. These headaches are also more likely to be frequent and disabling. Severe abuse is also linked to other conditions, including chronic pain, fibromyalgia and irritable bowel disease.
Chronic maltreatment early in life alters the brain’s response to stress. This may make it more likely to have migraine. A study of inflammatory blood tests suggests a mechanism for the link. In this study, adults showed higher levels of biomarkers in the bloodstream when exposed to abuse in childhood. Genes are also important in this process. Genes are responsible for how a person and their body respond to early stressful experiences. It is also possible that early stressful experiences may become hard-coded into DNA. This creates a memory of events that leads to impaired health at a later date.” (Source: American Headache Society.)
I’m honestly thankful to know this. It explains so much! To say that finding this out has been life-changing for me seems almost trite at this point.
There are people who say that knowing this is a crutch of some sort — that because someone told me that my migraines are due to the PTSD from the abuse, I now have an ‘excuse.’ Whatever. I’ve had these things for twenty-five years. I’ve seen the top experts and they don’t even know or understand the causes of migraines or how the brain works. So, good luck with your rationalizations. (Here’s more information on how abuse affects the immune system, which can also lead to migraines and other diseases. Source: American Nurse Today.)
People are well-meaning in the advice. I’ve heard everything from using lavender (done it), to Vitamin D (use it), to garlic (love it), to gluten-free (tried it, didn’t help). You may recall, I was in Big Pharma for seventeen years. My company made migraine meds (nasal spray — hated it, awful taste). I’ve bought and sold these meds. I have spent A LOT of time with neurologists and scientists. I don’t claim to be an expert — far, far from it. The brain is this crazy thing that almost defies explanation. But I do know that what works for one person may not work for another, yet sharing information is crucial.
This explanation about PTSD makes sense to me, but it doesn’t take the migraines away.
And that’s okay.
MEDS AND THE STUPIDNESS OF HEALTHCARE
One of my doctors told me something that has stuck with me all these years — there are no long-term physical negative side effects of having migraines. You have one, it goes away (eventually), and you get on with your life. Sure, psychologically, a migrainer, as we are called, lives in well, if not exactly fear — it’s more like dread — of getting one, at least we know we are actively living our lives and doing what we can to prevent them.
Some people don’t, though. They become addicted to prescription pain meds — Vicodin, for example. There’s a reason for that.
I have a prescription for it myself, for when the pain is really bad. My doctor can only write thirty (I’m in California, and since Vicodin is a controlled substance, a prescription must be picked up in person with ID, written in triplicate, and presented at the pharmacy by the patient, no more than once per month). I only take them when the pain is unbearable and none of the other meds help. I don’t drive when I take them, and it makes it hard to write or function, which is why I avoid them until I just give in.
Triptans work differently. You take them at the first sign of a migraine. Some people aren’t aware of triptans, or simply can’t afford them. Get this: one prescription of six tablets of Relpax, the triptan that works best for me, isn’t covered by my PPO (Anthem/Blue Cross). The price: $250. FOR SIX TABLETS. I can only take two in twenty-four hours. If my headache lasts a week, that’s only three days worth, and I can’t get more for another month. So my options are to take Advil (which can cause rebound — take more Advil, which causes more headaches, which means I have to take more meds, which causes more pain, and on and on it goes), or take Vicodin, and the same cycle begins.
Vicodin (or other controlled pain meds) are available in generics, are covered by insurance, and cost about $5. Despite it being more difficult now to get filled, it’s still an easier and more affordable option for people on a budget and in pain. It does not cost more to make a generic triptan than it does a generic Vicodin. Of course, there’s always the ‘street’ option, not something I’d ever consider, yet people do, because of what I mentioned above. But that’s a whole other post.
OTHER OPTIONS
To avoid rebound headaches, I do natural therapies like vitamins, meditation, yoga, and behavioral therapy. I also take preventive medications like Topamax and Cymbalta (and anti-depressant which is also indicated to help prevent pain). I also get Botox shot into my temples and jaw (yes, TMJ is part of my issue, too — isn’t this fun?) every three months. And though migraine prevention is a covered and FDA-approved treatment for Botox, my insurance company, in their infinite financial wisdom, refuses to pay for it. Don’t get me started.
Listen, this is my story. Knowing that migraines and PTSD are closely linked has been eye-opening for me, because it’s a partial answer to a complicated question that has dogged me for years. People want to relieve my suffering and the symptoms of my migraines and give me a ton of advice. I appreciate the love and support from so many caring individuals. I do, truly. What I’m doing usually works, and sometimes it doesn’t, which is why I’m here, sharing what I’ve learned.
I’d love to hear your stories about what does or doesn’t work for you, or those you know and love. Please share below!
Broken Places is available NOW — yay! from Booktrope. It’s already hit #1 on Women’s Poetry and Hot New Releases on Amazon! Broken Pieces is still going strong, #1 on Amazon’s Women’s (paid) Poetry list.
Enter my Valentine’s Day Godiva Truffle giveaway — a $50 value — and win a free eBook of Broken Places, too!
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo). Enter the free feature giveaway here!
All content copyrighted unless otherwise specified. © 2015 by Rachel Thompson, author. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to use short quotes provided a link back to this page and proper attribution is given to me as the original author.
Pictures courtesy of Pixabay.com
February 6, 2015
#MondayBlogs Giveaway February 2015
Since I created #MondayBlogs in late 2012, even I’m shocked at what an amazing success it has become! Thousands participate each week, generating more than 5,000 tweets! And it is because of all of you that we can say that with a lot of pride and a big ol’ smile! As a thank you to all you wonderful #MondayBlogs tweeps, we launched an ongoing, monthly giveaway contest in April and we couldn’t be happier with the response!
The Featured Monday Blogger giveaway is our way to say thank you for participating in #MondayBlogs by giving you more exposure for you and your blog. Each Monday for one month, you could have a different tweet sent out by @MondayBlogs to all our followers and be featured on IndieBookPromo.com! But wait, there’s more! Following you, the lucky winner, on Twitter would enter others into the next month’s contest!
Who doesn’t want more blog traffic and a free feature? #MondayBlogs
Nice bit of exposure, don’t ya think?
That sound like something you’d be interested in?
If so, enter now!
Featured Blogger January 2015
Richard Flores IV at Flores Factor
Happy Sharing,
Rachel, Will, and Kate
Please note that due to the popularity of Indie Book Promo guest posts will be scheduled according to availability. If you cannot wait for your post to be up you may decline the prize.
Sign up for my newsletter and never miss a post again! I will never share your email and that’s a promise. Follow me on Twitter @RachelintheOC or @BadRedheadMedia for social media, branding, or marketing help. Increase your blog traffic by participating in #MondayBlogs (a Twitter meme I created to share posts on Mondays — no book promo).
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