Gillian Polack's Blog, page 154
September 5, 2012
gillpolack @ 2012-09-05T17:45:00
There is a logical thing to happen after all the amazing work I did until 2 pm. I was just a bit tired at 2 pm and I needed to rest. I woke up ten minutes ago...
I think my most bizarre afternoon dream was about alien dinosaurs who, when crossed with sheep started to be a bit too fascinated with humans. How this dream can be the product of an impeccable session of teaching how writing using ancient rhetorical devices can improve one's characterisation is at this moment beyond me. Mind you, cooking dinner is also beyond me.
Two weeks of term to go and already I'm exhausted by midweek! (It isn't term. Today the weather really did change and it really is Spring. Blossoms blowing in the vast winds. Season changes send me to bed, exhausted - always have. Overwork, however, is a much more exciting excuse.)
I think my most bizarre afternoon dream was about alien dinosaurs who, when crossed with sheep started to be a bit too fascinated with humans. How this dream can be the product of an impeccable session of teaching how writing using ancient rhetorical devices can improve one's characterisation is at this moment beyond me. Mind you, cooking dinner is also beyond me.
Two weeks of term to go and already I'm exhausted by midweek! (It isn't term. Today the weather really did change and it really is Spring. Blossoms blowing in the vast winds. Season changes send me to bed, exhausted - always have. Overwork, however, is a much more exciting excuse.)
September 4, 2012
gillpolack @ 2012-09-05T08:54:00
I've spent the last hour arguing with my computer. I want both of us to work: it prefers that neither of us do. It's now settled down, just in time for me to write this before I teach.
I think I'm going to surprise my class with an easy way to remember the form of haiku today, and with a lesson in classical rhetoric. It will be good for their souls.
I am definitely giving a paper in Melbourne in November. It's even half-written, for I promised something on which I did the research last year for something else entirely and that something else fell through. This means that I have a day's work getting it into form and making a coherent argument, but that day's work can wait until after I've finished the idiot doctorate. This is all good. I get to Melbourne and I get to not waste some rather interesting work on the nature of world building and how what happens beneath the narrative has an effect on how we read the narrative from a gender perspective.
I meant to blog last night, for the class on Medieval Women took some strange turns, but I was too tired. I didn't get any work done after class last night, in fact, but I made up for it this morning while my computer was sulking. I made the mistake of counting the books I need to read in a hurry and as of this moment, every page counts. Fortunately, they're all interesting, and happily, they make a nice arithmetic progression: one solid history, two spec fic and three YA. I am not counting beyond three, for the count goes up to seven and the longer that list is the lower my probability is of completing it. All I was to do now is type 3! as my reading until Saturday.
Everything else I forget, which means my brain is entering teaching mode and I am focussed on my class, not on my other work. I suspect this means I might have a bus to catch.
I think I'm going to surprise my class with an easy way to remember the form of haiku today, and with a lesson in classical rhetoric. It will be good for their souls.
I am definitely giving a paper in Melbourne in November. It's even half-written, for I promised something on which I did the research last year for something else entirely and that something else fell through. This means that I have a day's work getting it into form and making a coherent argument, but that day's work can wait until after I've finished the idiot doctorate. This is all good. I get to Melbourne and I get to not waste some rather interesting work on the nature of world building and how what happens beneath the narrative has an effect on how we read the narrative from a gender perspective.
I meant to blog last night, for the class on Medieval Women took some strange turns, but I was too tired. I didn't get any work done after class last night, in fact, but I made up for it this morning while my computer was sulking. I made the mistake of counting the books I need to read in a hurry and as of this moment, every page counts. Fortunately, they're all interesting, and happily, they make a nice arithmetic progression: one solid history, two spec fic and three YA. I am not counting beyond three, for the count goes up to seven and the longer that list is the lower my probability is of completing it. All I was to do now is type 3! as my reading until Saturday.
Everything else I forget, which means my brain is entering teaching mode and I am focussed on my class, not on my other work. I suspect this means I might have a bus to catch.
September 3, 2012
The irregular evaluation of the state of the Gillian
It appears I only have ten hours of work in me a day. I didn't progress much on anything after my meeting last night. The meeting was particularly good, though, especially the bit where we talked about cats.
My supervisor has sent back my conclusion with comments, and my next trick will be to produce a complete dissertation with so little wrong with it that we run out of details to quibble, very soon. Also, so that it can go to proofreaders. At the same time, I need to work on the Beast and teach, so I may only get one BiblioBuffet article done in the next week (which reminds me, there's a new one up on site right now).
These blog updates make the biggest difference to my capacity to meet deadlines right now, but they're probably quite dull. There will be an end to them and a return to normal programming just as soon as the impossible schedule stops colliding with the depression and the perimenopause so very excitingly. I have to get things done regardless of how much I want to stare at walls and feel that life is meaningless*.
What's really interesting is that blogging helps and getting things done also makes a difference. It doesn't cure problems or make them go away, but it means that I feel just that much more in control. So expect posts as I need them for the next few months and do not feel at all distressed if you tell yourself "Another post from Gillian" and not read it.
My big accomplishment this year is that I can work properly again. All those strange brain changes that come with being female and of a certain age and not entirely physically well needed adjusting to, but I have done so with general success (I will always have to proofread more carefully than I used to, alas, and allow a bit of time for extra checking, but some people had to do this from the beginning, so it's not a great issue). I know I'm generally successful at it because I'm studying on top of working on top of handling illness and it's not proving nearly as impossible a set of tasks as I had feared.
It's wonderful to be back. It's even more wonderful to know that - although menopause changes the way my brain works - it doesn't mean I can't work quickly and well. My ability to do some tasks (big idea stuff) has improved, in fact, just as my ability to do others (remembering every single word of every single version in a 37 version document) has gone to hell in a handbasket.
*It's very strange, when one comes down to it, to be doing this big reformulation of existence when one is dealing with so many things, but life doesn't often give us sensible choices. All we can do is turn the choices we do have into viable ones. And so I write a journal to keep on track and to push myself through when the depression tries to take over. And so
la_marquise_de_
keeps me honest with my deadlines. And so
eneit
and
kitzen_kat
ring to check up on me (yes, I know what you're doing and I love you both for it) and so, one hour at a time, I change my life, for one hour at a time is the best approach for me. Also, when word gets back to me about the other (invented) Gillian getting up to strange evil deeds - which has happened recently, and which is very school playground - I'm more able to laugh it off and say "At least anyone worth their salt will find out who I am as a person and make their own judgement." Mind you, I recently heard that one wonderful person said "I don't want to hear this" and shut the gossip down in their vicinity. All this adds up to life being less intolerable. This was a very long footnote. Sorry. I think it's hinting I should get off the internet and on to some work.
My supervisor has sent back my conclusion with comments, and my next trick will be to produce a complete dissertation with so little wrong with it that we run out of details to quibble, very soon. Also, so that it can go to proofreaders. At the same time, I need to work on the Beast and teach, so I may only get one BiblioBuffet article done in the next week (which reminds me, there's a new one up on site right now).
These blog updates make the biggest difference to my capacity to meet deadlines right now, but they're probably quite dull. There will be an end to them and a return to normal programming just as soon as the impossible schedule stops colliding with the depression and the perimenopause so very excitingly. I have to get things done regardless of how much I want to stare at walls and feel that life is meaningless*.
What's really interesting is that blogging helps and getting things done also makes a difference. It doesn't cure problems or make them go away, but it means that I feel just that much more in control. So expect posts as I need them for the next few months and do not feel at all distressed if you tell yourself "Another post from Gillian" and not read it.
My big accomplishment this year is that I can work properly again. All those strange brain changes that come with being female and of a certain age and not entirely physically well needed adjusting to, but I have done so with general success (I will always have to proofread more carefully than I used to, alas, and allow a bit of time for extra checking, but some people had to do this from the beginning, so it's not a great issue). I know I'm generally successful at it because I'm studying on top of working on top of handling illness and it's not proving nearly as impossible a set of tasks as I had feared.
It's wonderful to be back. It's even more wonderful to know that - although menopause changes the way my brain works - it doesn't mean I can't work quickly and well. My ability to do some tasks (big idea stuff) has improved, in fact, just as my ability to do others (remembering every single word of every single version in a 37 version document) has gone to hell in a handbasket.
*It's very strange, when one comes down to it, to be doing this big reformulation of existence when one is dealing with so many things, but life doesn't often give us sensible choices. All we can do is turn the choices we do have into viable ones. And so I write a journal to keep on track and to push myself through when the depression tries to take over. And so
la_marquise_de_
keeps me honest with my deadlines. And so
eneit
and
kitzen_kat
ring to check up on me (yes, I know what you're doing and I love you both for it) and so, one hour at a time, I change my life, for one hour at a time is the best approach for me. Also, when word gets back to me about the other (invented) Gillian getting up to strange evil deeds - which has happened recently, and which is very school playground - I'm more able to laugh it off and say "At least anyone worth their salt will find out who I am as a person and make their own judgement." Mind you, I recently heard that one wonderful person said "I don't want to hear this" and shut the gossip down in their vicinity. All this adds up to life being less intolerable. This was a very long footnote. Sorry. I think it's hinting I should get off the internet and on to some work.
September 2, 2012
gillpolack @ 2012-09-03T11:04:00
I've been terrifyingly efficient this morning. This worries me. I'm more comfortable with fallibility than with terrifying efficiency when applied to myself.
This may possibly be due to me waking up at 4 am by mistake and doing some work, then waking up again at a more normal hour and doing some more work, then finally (now) having my first coffee and finally actually being awake and seeing a whole day's work accomplished. I've already done all my doctoral work for the day, for instance. I can't do any more until I hear from my supervisor, in fact, and it's not even 9 am in Perth.
I caught up on all my non-BiblioBuffet articles over the weekend. As far as I know (correct me if I'm wrong, please!) I owe no articles to anyone not BiblioBuffet. That means I have four to do this week, in a perfect world, for the next two months are obviously going to be quite curiously busy. I've been saying this for two months - that I need to write ahead and clear the decks - but life keeps intervening and I meet my schedules, but never pull ahead. It's worked out fine so far, because publishers are being really slack about submitting Aurealis books this year and I haven't all that reading to do yet. When it comes, though, I will obviously have to read 5-6 books a day (unless no-one is published YA spec fic this year, which I rather doubt) and that will mean having no other work (or not much other work) on my desk.
Let me detour and remind everyone who needs reminding (which is a few of my blog readers): if the judges in any Aurealis category read most of the book at the same time, then those books will run together in their minds if said books are similar to other books. If a book is good (even wonderful) but strictly typical, then it has a better chance of being noticed if the nominations are made early ie if the judge doesn't read ten other books like it in the same week and if we have more time to linger over the reading. By 'early' I mean NOW.
By this time last year I had read 25 more books and the postie was delivering them at a mad rate. I haven't said 'hi' to my nice postie for two weeks. I bet he's missing me.
End of detour and back to work. Pre-Raphs, as I foreshadowed yesterday, but not, I think, Pre-Raphs as I've always assumed. And then more spec fic and maybe another interview. I'm not getting many review books right now, either, so I have my path clearly laid out in terms of articles, rather than books stacked up and demanding attention and threatening to topple if I don't write about them. This suits me just fine right now. It means I'm busy, but not impossibly so. I don't want to be terrifyingly efficient through working half asleep again this week, though, for I have teaching and one cannot teach well when half asleep. Or rather, I can't. I admire those who can.
And, just in case you didn't notice, today I'm wittering. This possibly means I have bills to pay.
This may possibly be due to me waking up at 4 am by mistake and doing some work, then waking up again at a more normal hour and doing some more work, then finally (now) having my first coffee and finally actually being awake and seeing a whole day's work accomplished. I've already done all my doctoral work for the day, for instance. I can't do any more until I hear from my supervisor, in fact, and it's not even 9 am in Perth.
I caught up on all my non-BiblioBuffet articles over the weekend. As far as I know (correct me if I'm wrong, please!) I owe no articles to anyone not BiblioBuffet. That means I have four to do this week, in a perfect world, for the next two months are obviously going to be quite curiously busy. I've been saying this for two months - that I need to write ahead and clear the decks - but life keeps intervening and I meet my schedules, but never pull ahead. It's worked out fine so far, because publishers are being really slack about submitting Aurealis books this year and I haven't all that reading to do yet. When it comes, though, I will obviously have to read 5-6 books a day (unless no-one is published YA spec fic this year, which I rather doubt) and that will mean having no other work (or not much other work) on my desk.
Let me detour and remind everyone who needs reminding (which is a few of my blog readers): if the judges in any Aurealis category read most of the book at the same time, then those books will run together in their minds if said books are similar to other books. If a book is good (even wonderful) but strictly typical, then it has a better chance of being noticed if the nominations are made early ie if the judge doesn't read ten other books like it in the same week and if we have more time to linger over the reading. By 'early' I mean NOW.
By this time last year I had read 25 more books and the postie was delivering them at a mad rate. I haven't said 'hi' to my nice postie for two weeks. I bet he's missing me.
End of detour and back to work. Pre-Raphs, as I foreshadowed yesterday, but not, I think, Pre-Raphs as I've always assumed. And then more spec fic and maybe another interview. I'm not getting many review books right now, either, so I have my path clearly laid out in terms of articles, rather than books stacked up and demanding attention and threatening to topple if I don't write about them. This suits me just fine right now. It means I'm busy, but not impossibly so. I don't want to be terrifyingly efficient through working half asleep again this week, though, for I have teaching and one cannot teach well when half asleep. Or rather, I can't. I admire those who can.
And, just in case you didn't notice, today I'm wittering. This possibly means I have bills to pay.
gillpolack @ 2012-09-02T18:22:00
Dinner tonight:
Tomato salad made with produce fresh from the farmers' market
Roast chicken with Seville orange and honey sauce
Heritage carrots baked in a very little goose fat.
Market days make me very happy!
Tomato salad made with produce fresh from the farmers' market
Roast chicken with Seville orange and honey sauce
Heritage carrots baked in a very little goose fat.
Market days make me very happy!
gillpolack @ 2012-09-02T17:13:00
My article has been dispatched (pity the editor) and I get an hour to wonder what I do next. That wondering is supposed to produce a mind sufficiently illuminated to finish with Chapter Five of the dissertation (again). This will finish with the PhD until I hear back from my supervisor, which will create a wild sense of euphoria for hours and hours. I do have other things to do during this wild euphoria, but I have no recollection of them right now and I have lost my list. Actually, one of them is my next BiblioBuffet article, and for it I must read a book (the shock, the horror) so my evening will be split between Supernatural and the PreRaphaelites.
If my life ever becomes exciting, I'll be too busy to let you know, so accept the small joys that I report (spiced and sugary bread filled with dried and glace fruit, for instance, which was my afternoon tea). Right now I'm too busy turning into a worthy person to waste my time leading a fascinating life.
If my life ever becomes exciting, I'll be too busy to let you know, so accept the small joys that I report (spiced and sugary bread filled with dried and glace fruit, for instance, which was my afternoon tea). Right now I'm too busy turning into a worthy person to waste my time leading a fascinating life.
September 1, 2012
gillpolack @ 2012-09-02T11:10:00
I have started Spring in very fine style, thanks to
electricant
, who is braving the Canberra weather this weekend. Seeing friends, going marketing, and buying many bunches of jonquils and daffs* means I feel that the season is properly changed, even though the weather is still a trifle wintry. My favourite moment this morning was when we were sitting round a picnic table outside at the markets (it was cold, but these markets do not have indoor seating), drinking coffee, nibbling cinnamon scroll and fancy bread, and talking about feminism in SF. The lady at the next table joined in, the conversation was so interesting.
I have 600 words to write and then I'm allowed Dr Who, to top off a superb morning.
*When I was living in London and the weather was bleak, I would spend all my spare cash (which wasn't much, but the flowers were only 25p a bunch) on daffodils and jonquils and fill my room with Spring. Ever since then, whenever I've been able to do this, I've felt comforted. This batch of flowers should see me through the next fortnight, by which time most of my deadlines will be done and the weather will have shifted fully. I discovered, in London, how to make jonquils last for up to 31 days, if necessary, so, if all goes well, I should have these right up to Conflux.
electricant
, who is braving the Canberra weather this weekend. Seeing friends, going marketing, and buying many bunches of jonquils and daffs* means I feel that the season is properly changed, even though the weather is still a trifle wintry. My favourite moment this morning was when we were sitting round a picnic table outside at the markets (it was cold, but these markets do not have indoor seating), drinking coffee, nibbling cinnamon scroll and fancy bread, and talking about feminism in SF. The lady at the next table joined in, the conversation was so interesting.I have 600 words to write and then I'm allowed Dr Who, to top off a superb morning.
*When I was living in London and the weather was bleak, I would spend all my spare cash (which wasn't much, but the flowers were only 25p a bunch) on daffodils and jonquils and fill my room with Spring. Ever since then, whenever I've been able to do this, I've felt comforted. This batch of flowers should see me through the next fortnight, by which time most of my deadlines will be done and the weather will have shifted fully. I discovered, in London, how to make jonquils last for up to 31 days, if necessary, so, if all goes well, I should have these right up to Conflux.
gillpolack @ 2012-09-01T21:29:00
I think I might have talked myself out of going to ICFA next March. It would cost me about $3,500, which is doable if all else goes right (because of the amount of teaching I've had this year) but could leave me in hot water if things go pear-shaped again. Also, I've been to a convention with Gaiman as guest of honour and, while he is enormous fun and worthwhile for many reasons, it changes dynamics. I wanted to give a paper and to spend time with friends and to make contacts in my field. I rather suspect ICFA might be better in 2014. If I get funding for it in time (which is unlikely at this stage) I shall, of course change my mind, for ICFA is still something I very much want to attend.
I don't know what other conferences I should be considering at this stage. I rather suspect that spending that kind of money on overseas travel ought to wait until I have a more secure income. This means either NZ or Australia. I've already sorted one in Melbourne in November (at which I may or may not be giving a paper), so maybe I should sit for a little and see what comes into my in-box.
I am perplexed by the whole end-of-doctorate thing, I think. It's such a wavery condition.
I don't know what other conferences I should be considering at this stage. I rather suspect that spending that kind of money on overseas travel ought to wait until I have a more secure income. This means either NZ or Australia. I've already sorted one in Melbourne in November (at which I may or may not be giving a paper), so maybe I should sit for a little and see what comes into my in-box.
I am perplexed by the whole end-of-doctorate thing, I think. It's such a wavery condition.
gillpolack @ 2012-09-01T18:40:00
I taught twelve hours this week. Today's session was particularly good, for I tested out the stuff I've been researching. It works in class. I can use my work of the last couple of years to teach more skills to writers. It's good.
I have just three weeks of this term to go, then Conflux, then a bit of a break in case I have PhD panic. After that, there's just one more course this year.
Planning is already underway for next year. I hope I get a job, one day, sometime, but if I don't, it's rather good to know that all the places I teach at regularly want me back. It's life as usual until things change. Instead of doing my doctorate, though, I'll be working on the project I was partway through before the doctorate. I want it finished and in print and being used. That's the other upshot of today. The work I was doing got used today and my students wanted more. I have taken notes, so that in a couple of months I can then think about how to proceed.
Right now, how I shall proceed is by squinting evilly at Chapter Five until I discover what is making me dislike it. Van is happy with it, but I am not. I want to send him the revisions as soon as the conclusion is fit to go on, so tonight is the night.
I have just three weeks of this term to go, then Conflux, then a bit of a break in case I have PhD panic. After that, there's just one more course this year.
Planning is already underway for next year. I hope I get a job, one day, sometime, but if I don't, it's rather good to know that all the places I teach at regularly want me back. It's life as usual until things change. Instead of doing my doctorate, though, I'll be working on the project I was partway through before the doctorate. I want it finished and in print and being used. That's the other upshot of today. The work I was doing got used today and my students wanted more. I have taken notes, so that in a couple of months I can then think about how to proceed.
Right now, how I shall proceed is by squinting evilly at Chapter Five until I discover what is making me dislike it. Van is happy with it, but I am not. I want to send him the revisions as soon as the conclusion is fit to go on, so tonight is the night.
August 31, 2012
gillpolack @ 2012-09-01T07:59:00
Spring is here, the grass is riz. Only the grass hasn't risen very far because it's a little bit chilly. -7 is how our wonderfully warm Australian Spring began this year. The birds weren't very noisy at all this morning. I rather suspect huddling affected their song. Or the ice froze it in mid-air.
It's warming up apace and will be zero degrees by the time I leave for teaching. If it isn't, I'll want to know why. I might have to put handwarmers in my pockets, though, to make sure my fingers are able to operate white board markers at the far end, for there is over a mile of walking to do to reach today's classroom. Not that over a mile is very far, but that I suspect my fingers will assume that it's very far.
Happy first day of Spring, everyone southern enough to be experience this particular and delightful change of season. And please, please stop laughing, all my more northerly and equatorial friends.
It's warming up apace and will be zero degrees by the time I leave for teaching. If it isn't, I'll want to know why. I might have to put handwarmers in my pockets, though, to make sure my fingers are able to operate white board markers at the far end, for there is over a mile of walking to do to reach today's classroom. Not that over a mile is very far, but that I suspect my fingers will assume that it's very far.
Happy first day of Spring, everyone southern enough to be experience this particular and delightful change of season. And please, please stop laughing, all my more northerly and equatorial friends.
