T.L. Gray's Blog, page 57

Back to Me

Sometimes we have to walk away from all we’ve known to find ourselves.  It’s taken a long time for me to find me, and I can’t allow someone or something to come in and make me lose myself again or pull me back into an idea or situation I’ve found the courage to leave.  People and situations come in and out of our lives because we are ever changing, growing, and discovering. 
I’m not the same person I was six months ago, or a year ago, or six years ago.  There was a time I needed something different, because I was different.  I’m a new person now, and my needs have changed.  If we haven’t changed together, then I must leave you behind.  I can’t turn around and go back, that person doesn’t exist anymore.  It doesn’t mean I didn’t love, need, appreciate or respect what we had together; it’s just not what I need any more.    Whether it’s a marriage, a close friend, a lover, a career, a culture, a way of thinking, a passion, or a place …I have to be true to me or I’m no good for anyone… especially me.   I’ve got to love me or I have NOTHING for anyone else.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Love Is About Appreciation

Blue Bells on Mt. Rainier - 06/09/2013



I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve watched new romance blossom between friends, only to find a few months later both of them trying to change the very things about their partners they found attractive in the first place.  It’s maddening, really.    
Why do we do stupid things like that?  Girls, if you’re attracted to bad boys, why do you expect your bad boys to suddenly grow wings?  Or men, if you’re attracted to wild women, why are you surprised when your woman is not Suzy Homemaker?  For the sake of sanity … stop trying to change people from who they are to whom you want them to be. It’s a losing battle.
It isn’t just romantic couples who do this, but this strange anomaly (please note the hint of sarcasm) happens in every relationship of our lives - from our friends and families to co-workers and associates.  The things that usually excites us about each other, is often the very thing we seek to change upon entering into any serious form of relationship.
STOP!
I’m learning to identify what I like about someone and why?  But then I also think about how that trait would affect me in a more personal level.  I.e. – If I admire someone for being career-driven, focused, putting their passion above everything else, then I have to consider that more than likely any social or personal relationship I have with that person will have to come second to their driven passions.  It’s shame on us if we want to change anything about them.   
I’m not saying I couldn’t have a romance with such a person, but it would be wrong of me to want them to change their devotion and focus from their career to me.  What would be healthy is that I appreciate them for who they are, and build a relationship remembering and celebrating those traits into something that would work for us both. 
If he likes alone time… give him time alone.  Don’t gripe and complain that he’s not spending all his time with you.  Plan your time together, but leave room for him to be alone.   
If she likes to be silly with her friends, be the life of the parties …don’t expect her to stay home and cuddle all the time.  Let her be with her friends, or go watch and admire her spread her wings.
If you have a co-worker that performs miracles with a hands-off approach, don’t stand over their shoulders and micro-manage them.   Trust them to excel in the traits you admire in them, and that trust you show them will be returned in the quality of the work they perform.
If you admire the complete openness and blatant honesty of your friend, then don’t get angry at them when they express that same open honesty when it comes to things you don’t agree.  Appreciate them for their open honesty, and be prepared to sometimes hear what might hurt your flesh just a bit.
Do I always treat everyone in my life with this form of fairness?  No. But, I’m working on it. I don’t want to possess someone, I want to appreciate them.   I’m learning to see them for who they are, not for who I want them to be in my life.  I can only hope they return the favor.
Till next time, ~T.L. Gray

The Other Side

Tunnel to Hurricane Ridge - Elwa Falls - Olympia National Park  6/1/2013
I don’t think there’s anything more sad, more pathetic and more gut-wrenching than the dreaded ‘what if’ … what if I went, what if I stayed, what if I said those words, what if I hadn’t, what if I fail, what if I succeed?  Regret – it’s so powerful it can eat through a person’s soul, steal their dreams, lock them into emotional slavery and defeat possible victories. 
However, decisions that are to be made consisting of the dreaded ‘what if’ should be considered and weighed with much thought and careful consideration - because you can fail, you can lose, you can make a wrong decision with just as much possibility of success.  But not knowing the possible results leaves you with a lifetime of regret. 
I am not afraid to fail.  I have spent more time in the dirt on my face from falling than I’d ever like to admit, however, I have very few regrets.  I live my life most often in the motion of chasing something… dreams, an idea, or a passion.   I have succeeded and I have failed.  I have won and I have lost.  I have cried and I have laughed.  Most of all I have lived.  I won’t know what is waiting for me on the other side of another opportunity until I make the choice to grab it and take the steps needed to reach my destination. 
Arriving on the other side is great, but that is not the best part of the experience… it’s the journey “to” the other side where life happens. 
I’m on such a journey now, a transition from one place in my life to another… a sojourner.  The only real choice I have to make every day is whether I’m going to be afraid to move or not move, do or not do… regret or not regret.  
I choose.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

I Believe in Pink

I’m good at a lot of things and have achieved many accomplishments in my life.  I’m proud of each one.  Just this weekend I reached a huge milestone in my weight loss and fitness regime, exceeding my 50lb goal.  I’ve lost four dress sizes in just six short months.  I’m more energetic, mobile, and happier with myself and my body.  Much of my successes, like this recent weight loss, often become a reality through hard struggles and a lot of perseverance.  The confidence I have to tackle major obstacles in this and other areas is astounding.  Yet before you go and think I have everything together, there is one area of my life I’m very weak …building, maintaining and keeping relationships. 
There are a lot of hurting people in this world.  I know I’m not the only one who has gone through something hard or tragic, or face difficulty with issues of trust.  Because we all have individual experiences, personal traumas, and unique circumstances, there is often a lot of miscommunication.  While I’m a great debater, operate in an excellent and professional manner in business dealings, I misunderstand and struggle when it comes to clear communication in relationships.  I know why - I operate out of fear instead of confidence.  But knowing something and having the strength to change it in my life are two different things.
I’ve recently been told I’m pessimistic and hold my friends to impossible standards.  I’ve had very close friends tell me they fear making mistakes and therefore losing my support and friendship.  I’ve had other friends tell me I’m judgmental and tolerate nothing less than perfection. 
This hurt to hear.  For days I’ve thought of almost nothing else. I literally curled in a ball all day yesterday thinking back over my recent relationships and hate some of the choices and actions I’ve taken. I don’t agree with this assessment, but knowing how I fail at communication in the area of relationships, I can see how my friends have come to these conclusions.  It really breaks my heart to hear these things, because in MY mind and heart, I have only hope, love and positive inspiration toward them all.  I love them greatly.  I admire them so much.  I draw strength from them. They inspire me, push me, make me feel loved and appreciated.  I thought I did the same for them. 
In my mind, I push for excellence, not to hold them to impossible standards, but to see them step into the possible and reach their dreams.  I don’t judge their choices when I disagree with them, but only desire to warn them against things I fear will hurt them, that have hurt me.  I don’t expect them to be perfect and never make mistakes; we all fall.  But, I do expect them to never give up.  I tend to focus on areas that pose the most potential damage and danger, so I can see now how that would make me seem pessimistic.  But, I have such great hope and optimistic expectations.
But, there is one area I suppose makes me a hypocrite - when someone hurts me, I run away from that relationship.  That’s my way of protecting me.  I couldn’t walk away from the pain when I was a child, so I learned to run as an adult. I don’t run from these relationships because THEY have let me down, but most often because I feel I have let them down, failed them, and failed to protect me.  I suppose from the outside, it looks like I don’t care and can easily turn away from those I claimed to care about most, when it’s the opposite.  I run because it hurts too much and care about them deeply.
But how do I effectively communicate that truth?  My actions can tell a different story, appear to have a different motive and continue to cause fear and confusion.  I want my friends to trust me as much as I want to trust them.  Just as I’m working on my health, to adjust bad eating habits, introduce healthy dietary and physical habits into my life, I’m also working on bad emotional habits.  I just hope I don’t lose all my friends before I learn how to effectively communicate how much I love them.
I agree with all of Audrey’s assessments above.  I too believe in pink, laughing is the best calorie burner, in kissing, in being strong, happiness is beautiful, tomorrow is another day full of hope and I too believe in miracles… the miracle of good friends.   I’m sorry to all my friends who I’ve ever made to feel they’ve let me down or couldn’t live up to my standards, and especially to those from whom I’ve walked away.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Complete Honesty

Path to Ruby Beach - Olympic National Park - 05/31/2013This famous Buddha quote has me a little conflicted.  I’ve always believed this sentiment, just under a different context.  “And the Truth shall set you free.” I took the meaning to say bondage of mind, heart and soul comes from the lack of being completely honest, and if we brave to be vulnerable, face the Truth, we will be free of all those things that bring us down and bind us.
I grew up among lies, manipulation, deception and abandonment.  The truth became something precious to me; a treasured jewel.  It’s actually something I cannot tolerate the lack of in those I allow in my life.
The first person I had to learn to be truthful with was me.  I’ve spent the last twenty-five years healing, facing the truth and trying to discover who I am.  It’s only been recently I’ve taken a huge leap of faith, lowered my defense mechanisms, and exposed my heart through complete honesty.  It’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done, and proving to be quite painful. 
The reason it’s called facing fears, is because the possibility of pain increases with every morsel of truth released.  We live in such a judgmental world, most often our greatest critic being ourselves. Our expectations are often unmet, in ourselves and in each other, and so our first reactions are to pull back and hide behind the lie, “I’m fine.”  It’s easier. It’s safer.  But, it’s wrong.
My first reaction to pain is to run.  My first reaction to confrontation is to fight.  My first reaction to fear is to throw up walls and harden my heart.  I’m trying to fight against my first responses.  I’m trying to remain open and completely honest even as my heart breaks, seized with panic attacks, and bombarded with overwhelming feelings of abandonment and disappointment.
Maybe Buddha knew what he was talking about.  Maybe the Truth really does set you free.  But, they should have a disclaimer, saying it’ll more than likely be the most painful and hardest thing you’ll ever have to do in your life.
Till next time,
~T.L. Gray

Mission to Move

Walker Viewpoint - Olympic National Park 06/01/2013

There is nothing scarier than uprooting my life and moving, especially if I’m planning to move to the other side of the country, away from my support system of friends, family and familiarity.  There’s also nothing more exciting.
That’s exactly what I’m planning to do and I can’t help but wake up every morning with an exciting new beat in my heart, a new dream in my spirit, and a new song in my soul.  I also get flooded with new fears … of the unknown, the unexpected and the unfulfilled.  I don’t want to fail.  But fear of failure has never stopped me before, and it won’t stop me now.  
I recently fell in love.  I’m not talking about a gentle infatuation, but a deep-seeded true love.  I wish I could say this was with a man, but in this instance it’s with a place …the beautiful state of Washington.  Most places are referred to in the feminine, but for me… Washington is the new man in my life.  I fell in love with his beauty, his mountains, his oceans, his woods, his cities and his people.  
For the first time in a long time, I took a breath… a vital gasp of air needed to bring me back to life. I opened my eyes and saw real beauty… true, honest beauty. I have now become lost in his charms.
So, I am now on a mission to move. Every thought, action, penny, and effort is being put into planning, dreaming and making arrangements to go and be with my new love, to allow him to wrap his beautiful arms around me and pull me into his embrace.  My deepest hope is that Washington will love me back.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Where Are You Going?

Climbing the Stairs of Success

Success is a difficult climb.  Someone who’s never had to work for it before, having things handed to them with little to no effort, cannot appreciate or understand the journey the way the rest of us, those who have to fight for every little step, can.   
I’ve succeeded at many things. I’ve failed at even more.  Today, I find myself on another stairway facing a multitude of steps before me, but I start the climb …one step at a time.
I’m out of shape, out of breath, and it seems out of patience, but I’m full of determination.  As I start my climb, I feel the strain on my legs, back and butt muscles. With proper conditioning, a steady pace, and plenty of water, I’ll find my stride and take those steps one at a time.
I smile, because I have a slight advantage to the other climbers along these jagged steps… I’ve run this race a few times before.  I know the costs, but I also have tasted the victory at the top and remember it’s sweetness.  I also know …it’s not how I start, but how I finish. 
Are you on your own set of stairs?  If so, pace yourself.  I wish you a wonderful journey.  Don’t forget to keep your eyes on the top, but every once in a while, glance around and see how far you’ve come.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Perfect Conditions for Procrastinators

I’m not often a procrastinator. I’m a go-getter, mover, shaker, but I’ve never been a candlestick maker.  I get things done.  I’ve been charging through life, well, pretty much my whole life.  I’m a decision maker.  Once I’ve made a decision, I’m almost impossible to stop.  Why am I that way?  Maybe because I’ve always had to fight for everything in my life, nothing was just handed to me, and often, even what I had was taken from me.  Most people call this drive.  I call it determination – settling the mind to a specific task or course of action, and follow through.
However, this year, I’ve found myself participating in a lot of procrastination.  Not because I was incapable, but numb.  I don’t apologize for it.  I understand the need for the season.  What I’ll never understand, is those who choose to stay in it for long periods of time. 
Week after week, I watch the same group of writers talk, play, argue, and proceed to give everyone else in the world their advice and opinion on every subject, YET do no writing.  OR, they start writing, but when the first tug of difficulty appears, instead of pushing through it, they go back to all those other devices that enable their procrastination.  I know, I did it, too.  This really breaks my heart.  There’s so much talent and potential wasted in the land of procrastination.
When I’ve tried to inspire some of these procrastinators to get to work, I’m met with excuse after excuse, as if they’re waiting on the perfect opportunity to fall in their lap that will magically give them the energy and drive to do what they need to do.  Don’t get me wrong, I love magic, I just don’t believe in it.
There will NEVER be a perfect time.  The moment you’re waiting for, the one that will inspire you and give you what you need to write, will be the moment you CHOOSE to act.  I can almost guarantee it won’t be ideal, convenient, or opportunistic, but requiring determination, dedication and drive.  It will hurt, stretch you, test you and often push you to your limit, but it is only one moment, and it too shall pass.
I’ve heard writers tell me they only write when their muse hits them with overwhelming strength.  These are also the same writers still working on the same story year after year.  Set aside all those things that distract you and pull you away from doing what you know must be done.  Push through the walls that pop up in front of you.  Dig in.  I’m not telling you something I don’t know anything about.  I have to do the same thing EVERY DAY.  I had to do it this morning.  I have to do it now just to finish this blog post.
Silence the phone.  Close down your internet browser.  Don’t read the forums.  Close your email (don’t just minimize), cut off the television or music, lock your door and sit down and make one small goal to accomplish.  THEN, make yourself push through that one goal.  Stop waiting for the perfect moment, because it’s already here. 
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Dreaming Too Big?

Today is nothing like yesterday, and I’m grateful.  They may contain a mixture of pleasant and rough memories, but its all part of my journey already travelled. Today, my only concern is to survive and strive forward toward my dreams. Tomorrow, I hold vast hope and potential for greatness. 
I look around me and see a world seemingly asleep.  I know - I was one of them for a season.  I’m awake now and grabbing hold of those dreams of mine left un-apprehended in the universe. 
I’ve had the opportunity to spend some time with people of varying degrees in their pursuit of dreams, in which my observations have helped me solidify and understand my own pursuits.  Talking with a man yesterday, whose dreams for his life were so simple, so small, I realized I’m not a small dreamer, but a big dreamer.  I always have been.
As a child, I was often called a snob by my family, because I looked beyond our circumstances and dreamed of a different, and in my opinion, better life.  No matter if we went through a hard time, living in a three-room shack without indoor plumbing, or easier times in a giant suburban home keeping up with the Joneses.  I always felt like a fraud, going through the motions of someone else’s life.  I didn’t fit in.  I still don’t fit in with my family.  So, it wasn’t just a phase.  I’ve always dreamed big, and to me, they seemed to settle for whatever life handed them, or looked for the quickest way to cheat the system.  As adults, most members of my family is still that way.  I can’t understand that particular kind of mindset.  It’s quite sad to me.
As an adult, raising my own family, I’ve striven for success in many different venues and have obtained it often.  I’ve also failed and understand the cost, both financially and emotionally, failure takes on a person and a family.  But, no matter how much I’ve failed, I never stop trying; never stop reaching for that next dream. 
Don’t think I don’t live in the moment, because I do.  In a single moment… that’s where fear, doubt, anxiety, hope, confidence and faith live.  I’ve been taught all those things can’t inhabit a person at the same time. I say, yes they can, because I feel them all at the time.  Right now - I have so much hope for my future, so much faith I’m going to succeed, and so much optimism I’ll find a way to make my dreams come true.  No one can convince me otherwise.  But also, right now - I have so much fear of failure, so much anxiety of the pain such failure would cost, so much skepticism to know it’s not going to be an easy journey, but one requiring  sacrifice and pain.  
So, I don’t care if the world thinks I dream too big.  Often I’ve been told to be realistic, practical in my pursuits, because big dreams require big sacrifices.  I can’t. Simple as that - I just can’t. No matter the cost, no matter the ridicule, no matter the ostracism, no matter the rejection (and I know a LOT of rejection), I can’t stop dreaming the dreams I have for myself.  If I don’t pursue them, I know I’d die inside.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray