T.L. Gray's Blog, page 54

Someday - The Next Big Thing

I can’t but help move around in my desk chair to the beat of the song by the Rags cast, featuring Max Schneider, called “Someday”.   I really want to get up and dance, but more than the need to move to the groove with my hips, shoulders and feet, it’s the message of the song that really stirs something inside my heart.  This is the song my soul cries out … and I’m listening.  Are you?
  "Someday" I follow my dreams
You'd think they were nightmares the way they scream
I'll make them believe (whoa)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

I never doubt my dreams always live em out
Ima tell the world
They gotta hear me out
Just give me one mic
So I can scream it loud
And I just need someone that I can make proud
Cause I can't wait for that someday
And that someday it is coming
I wanna share my life with someone who loves me just for me

Hey Hey

I wanna wish up to the stars i can
I wanna see the lights in the crowd in the stands
See myself there like a dream in the past
And everything I want Ima get it at last Okay
And I know that there's no limit
We're pursuing all our dreams and
We gon' make it
And tell the world that the best is yet to come
Can you hear me? Oh

I follow my dreams
You'd think they were nightmares the way they scream
I'll make them believe (whoa)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

Now that I'm older I think about it
I was really having fun, too cool about it
I guess mom was predicting the future
She knew that one day I was gonna move ya Okay, Okay
But now I see everything a little different
The world looks bigger and the sky is the limit
I'm always looking out for myself and family
They gonna be surprised shoutin' out ooo-eee

I got it everything my mama wanted from me
I got it anybody come and take it from me
I got it cause it's all us
I'm so close I can dream about it
I can feel I got it (music) I'm all about it
I'm here to make a change Ima be about it
I didn't come this far to stop now
And I can't rest until I get my dreams out the clouds

I follow my dreams
You'd think they were nightmares the way they scream
I'll make them believe (whoa)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Someday, someday I'm gonna be the next big thing

One day I'm gonna be king of the palace
When I reign there'll be no imbalance
(everything will be okay)
Every single day, all day
You can follow me,
If you wanna go,
Ima take the lead
I got the star roll,
Twinkle in the night
Like the star goes
When you see us you know the next big thing!

Someday I'll be the next big thing (the next big thing)
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Take a Chance

Photo by T.L. Gray


Over the past several months, I have made a LOT of changes in my life.  I’ve separated from my husband, moved into a new apartment, and am starting a new company.  These changes haven’t occurred become some disaster has swept in and disrupted my life.  It’s because I’ve changed, and when my heart and my mind has changed, the outer circumstances of my life naturally follow. 
For a while, I felt all alone in this metamorphosis.  Old friends, who were part of the old mindset and lifestyle faded into the murky, misty background, and new faces popped up here and there.  Yet, though I walked out of one life and into another, I’m surrounded by unfamiliarity.  Let me tell you, that’s a scary place.  I’ve been there before, on many occasions, but after following such a long period of not being alone, loneliness felt very empty.
Today, however, I smile, because I’m not alone.  Everything isn’t just black or white, wrong or right, good or bad.  Yeah, there are a lot of new and strange things surrounding me, but there’s also a lot of real love.  That love fuels me, energizes me, comforts me and helps me breathe.  I am unfamiliar with my surroundings, but there’s a peace that fills me and a confidence that burns within me, because I’m loved. 
I wouldn’t have found this love had I not took a chance and allowed it to come into my life, first from myself and then from my friends.  Nothing scares me more than love.  Nothing has hurt me more or evaded me more in my life.  I have always had a lot of love, and it’s what has fueled me for all these years, but I can’t express how much more powerful it is when it’s shared. 
Come on, take a chance.  Love yourself, let yourself be loved, and then love others.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Where Can I Go?

Picture by T.L. Gray - Backyard Lake - 08/12/2013

True Accolades

Photo by T.L. Gray - 08/12/2013

For many years I’ve had people tell me they believed in me, but to me those were only meaningless words whispered in moments of fake accolades.  Most people don’t mean what they say.  They learn a few key phrases and repeat them like mantras, as if saying them alone makes them true.  All you need is to look into their eyes or watch their actions for only a short period of time to know whether they’re true or not.
For many years I smiled at these people as they attempted to soothe me with their honeyed words.  Yet, I’ve come to realize my smile was just as false as their claims.  I don’t do it anymore.  I just don’t allow these people into my life at all.  I’ve learned to walk away.  Having been abandoned and rejected by my own family, those who were supposed to believe in me most, I’ve spent four decades trying to grasp even the thinnest thread of acceptance and support.  But it wasn’t someone else’s approval I needed, only my own.
For many years I blamed myself for their lack of support, telling myself I wasn’t good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or brave enough to deserve their love and support – I convinced myself I was broken.  But, I’ve come to learn I am good, strong, pretty, healthy, smart and braver than most people I know, and I deserve to be loved, to be wanted, and to be desired.
I no longer seek approval from others.  They support me, stand next to me, love me, and believe in me, or they don’t.  I know my true friends and I love them with all my heart.  I just hope they know that I love, support, want and desire them in return, that when I tell them I believe in them, they know I mean it. 
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Single-Lane Roads

Photo by T.L. Gray - Olympic National Park 06/01/2013


I suppose there’s a deep part of me that has always desired to travel single-lane roads.  I’ve tried to go in the ‘right’ direction with the majority, but in doing so became engulfed in the masses and have lost sight of my destination.    Going with heavy traffic is easy and allows my mind to wander, because I don’t have to concentrate so much on where I am, nor keep my eyes peeled on the signs, or even pay too close attention to the limits, because I’m in flow, everything is moving steadily and in the same direction.  I merge into the flow, move inconspicuously, and then merge out when I reach my destination – often a place of routine, acceptance and expectation. 
I can’t help but feel I was created for more.  The first phase of my life I spent fighting against what was expected, traveling on the wrong side of traffic, on constant edge, dodging oncoming trouble.  The last phase, I spent trying to meet expectations, lost among the heavy flow, trying to blend, and merge into normality.  In each, I lost a bit of my true identity… one in survival, the other in suburbia. In this current phase I set my own expectations because I’m finally starting piece myself together and go in the direction I was meant. The only thing I know for sure is that I travel on the road I was destined.  I don’t know where it will lead, and I don’t know which side of the road is the right one.  I don’t know all the curves, bumps or hills this single lane contains, but I choose to enjoy the adventure.  I choose to notice the beauty around me.  I pay attention to where I am on this single-lane road.  Sometimes I pass another on my way, or dodge those going in the opposite direction, and sometimes it’s lonely, but I continue.    
For now I ride alone, but I hope someday, someone on the same path, with the same heart, filled with the same vision will accompany me.  Until then, I wipe away the tears I’ve shed grieving the life in my rearview mirror, downshift, and stomp on the gas. 
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

I Was Meant to Fly Free

Why do you cage me in this glass jar?  My wings were meant to soar in the wind, not be put on display for a season.Why do you cage me in this glass jar?  My life is but a moment and meant to see the world, not only this crystal prison.Why do you cage me in this glass jar?  My purpose is to pollinate and beautify the world, not this solitary space so tight.Why do you cage me in this glass jar?  My colors are meant to sparkle in the sun, not dim beneath a single light.Why do you cage me in this glass jar? Your heart is meant to love me, not make me your slave.Do you not care for what I want? Can you not hear what I say? I’m meant to fly free, not flutter in a glass jar and put on display.Let me out! Let me go! I’m dying! Can’t you see? I’m not meant to be caged, I’m meant to be free.

Disappointment

There’s nothing that makes my stomach hurt more than when I’ve disappointed someone, or even myself.  I just want to fold into a tight ball and disappear into black space than feel the gut-wrenching ache that weighs heavy inside me.  It’s not so much a feeling stemmed from being unable to please someone, because I try my hardest never to do something to please -just to please, but from knowing I’ve let them down.  I’ve learned a very hard lesson:  I can’t live my life making someone else happy.  I will fail every time, because their happiness isn’t something I can make, guarantee, or sustain.  That is something they must do for themselves, just as I must do for me.  But, I do want to please those whom I love and deeply care about, because it pleases me to please them, and I hate when I disappoint or anger them. I love and deeply care about my friends, and hate to see them in despair, especially at my hands.
In my attempts at being open and living my life honestly, I sometimes lack a filter of what should and shouldn’t be shared.  I’m not talking about sharing secrets.  I’m talking about involving them or revealing things about them as I share about myself. I’m really trying to work on this aspect of my life, but find I often cross a proverbial border and say too much; reveal that which was not mine to reveal.  Lately however, in my crossing the line I violated someone else’s privacy, and hurt them.  Even now my throat tightens and my heart aches because of my actions.   
There’s no way for me to fix the mess I’ve created, and I can’t promise that I’ll never do the same thing again, because this is the war that rages inside me.  I understand other’s need and desire for privacy – and I respect it as much as I respect my friends.  My problem is a deep rooted conflict, one I’m constantly battling, but often fail to make much progress.  Being forced as a child to live a lie, to protect, to hide, to conceal and to deceive really messed me up.  I was good at it, because I had to be in order to protect the things I thought I needed and loved most.  When I broke free from that bondage, I vowed to never lie, to never deceive, manipulate and hide the truth – because these were not my sins to conceal or carry.  But, in casting those shackles off, I went to the opposite extreme and have spent the better part of the last couple of decades being confused, lost and not having an identity of my own – yet I did this honestly.  It’s taken this long to discover who I am – and it wasn’t a light bulb moment, but a spiral of moments piled one on top of the other, made of trials and errors, mistakes and successes, faith and fear.  But in the midst of that chaos, I found me - and I’m a complete mess.
So now, in this next phase of my life, I’m trying to piece the real me together and it’s turned my world upside down.  I’ve never been more scared in my life, but also more complete; a balance somewhere between the two extremes.  I’m not the scared, angry little girl who had to fight for survival, nor am I the suburban wife, mother and business woman who felt lost going from one thing to the next trying to discover who she was, what her purpose was in life –yet getting lost in who she was expected to be by others.  I’m both and yet something new altogether.  I’m still finding me, sewing the two sides together, and this is good.  I’m not whole yet – but well on my way.  Sometimes that scared, angry little girl still surfaces and she kicks, screams, bites, flees and hides and doesn’t share a damned thing… and sometimes the control freak takes over, pushes down the emotions, cuts off all ideas and attempts to address self to care and tend to others and spills everything… and sometimes, just sometimes …the two works together and I find myself in a medium.
I wish I was perfect.  I wish I was whole.  I wish I always made the right choices, said the right words, and did the right things.  I wish I didn’t have doubts, or fears, or irrational thoughts.  I wish I didn’t have feelings of being abandoned every time I made a mistake.  I wish I never disappointed anyone, even myself.  I’m sorry for what I’ve done or haven’t done, but I won’t apologize for who I am, because I’ve fought very hard to get to this point and I’m not going back.  I only hope that’s not disappointing, because that’s all I can give.
Till next time,~T.L. Gray

Love Shall Trickle

You know, they say (though I have no idea who ‘they’ are) that if I love something or someone, and I pour my love into them, that love will come back to me.  That’s not always true.  Well, at least it’s not true in the sense that it comes back to me in the way I hope or think.  I think if I  pour my love into someone specific or into a certain situation, I will reap the return love from both.  But, that’s where I mess up.   Let me try to explain.
When we love someone we tend to think the best thing we can do is pour our love into them and they will love us back.  Too many times I hear the following excuse in a break up, “But I loved you, I believed in you, I gave you everything.”  I know.  I’ve done it.  I’ve said those exact words.  Where I messed up was in the actual pouring out what I had into someone else.  In the end… all it left me, was empty.
What I’ve learned is that I need to let the raw love I have for myself  trickle into me, begin to fill me, let it build and then let it run over my banks and cascade out of me like a waterfall.  Those who stand under it or around me will be affected … but I don’t need them to fill my banks.  That’s for me to do. 
In my trial and errors, failures and mistakes, I’ve learned a valuable lesson:  I poured myself out to the wrong person.  What I should have  done was allow myself to pour into me, and from the overflow provide a beautiful waterfall of love for everyone else. 
I don’t need to be loved.  I want to be loved, adored, wanted and desired -  everyone does.  But, I’m beginning to see what I need most  is for people to enjoy the love I have for and in me.  They will love me, because I love me. 
I have some really great friends in my life, and the reason I love them is because I see something in them that is beautiful.  I once told someone they were beautiful and I wasn’t talking about the color of their eyes or even the way they made me feel.  They were beautiful to me because I saw them loving themselves, enjoying what made them happy, and encouraging me to do the same by being who they were, not who I wanted them to be.  I sometimes saw that beauty so strong I couldn't help but become overwhelmed. I bathed in their waterfall.

Trailblazers & Visionaries

Picture by T.L. Gray - Olympic National Park - 05/30/2013There are all kinds of people who make up the writing community, where not everyone is alike; it’s filled with diversity and a panacea of talent.  Just as we are all individuals, our tastes, styles and skills are exercised in diversity. Differences sometimes set us apart, or even pull us together, through the impassioned expressions of our preferences.  These differences don’t make us right or wrong, just individual, but there seems to a consensus to the contrary and the spark of much debate. In a recent conversation with a friend of mine, I had an epiphany moment when I tried to describe how I saw this person and the way they related to our philosophical inspirations. The conversation went a little like this: “But, I see the way you look at the world - you seek what's behind the obvious and try to peek into the depths to 'understand'.  You don't just like a poem for its rhythm and pacing (which you do enjoy), but you take Bukowski's words and meditate on them, and contemplate who, what, where, when, how and why behind the poem, applying it into your life to see if you relate.  You're more interested in what McCarthy means than how he wrote his stories (that's the way you are with literary too - and why you don't understand this focus on 'style', because you can live with style changes, but you can't deal with a story that doesn't mean something.“It's one of the first things I noticed about you.  You're like an explorer - wanting to know what's beyond the wilderness, unafraid to venture off the common paths to blaze new trails. Yet, you're surrounded by a bunch of conformists who think following the established and popular trail is the only way to go.  They're following the person in front of them; you're following no one but your heart.”As Cormac McCarthy states above, “I don’t know why I started writing,” I too often have to take stock of who I am and determine what I believe, because I’m going to have to hang onto those beliefs as I enter the writing world, shielding them from the bombardment of different opinions, and confidence in myself to make the decision that will be right for me.  I’ll only know what the right thing will be – because I’ll know who I am as a woman; as a writer.
We must think for ourselves, be trailblazers and visionaries, lest me fall into line with the conformists and lose our vision, our way and what truly makes us individual by trying to fit in. That path may be the comfortable and worn, but it’s also one that produces art, work and writings like everyone else.  Being ‘common’ may sell books, but if you want to touch souls, you must be faithful to your gift and brave enough to be lead by your heart, because it is rarely popular. 

Navigational Breakdown

As most of you know, I am currently reading “Finding Your Own North Star” by Martha Beck, and the quote above was a question she asked a man named Melvin.  This middle-aged professional went to see a therapist and this was the first of three questions asked of him, and of course for which Melvin had no answer.  It wasn’t asked because the therapist was interested in delving into Melvin’s childhood, but to see if he could connect with his inner self; his inner child.  “The conversation I had with Melvin’s “social self”, the part of him that had learned to value the things that were valued by the people around him.  This “social self” couldn’t tell me what Melvin loved, enjoyed or wanted, because it literally didn’t known.  It didn’t remember Melvin or his childhood, because it had spent years telling him to ignore what he preferred and stop acting like a child.”  ~Martha Beck – Finding Your Own North StarI really related to Melvin.  For many years I was in what I called “survival mode”, a state-of-being focused on simply surviving the day.  In this state, there was no time or opportunity to focus on what was wanted, because I was too busy trying to fulfill what was needed, therefore causing suppression of those things I loved, enjoyed or wanted.  I had been in survival mode for as long as I could remember, so, like Melvin, wouldn’t have understood the question had it also been asked of me.   I’ve lived a comfortable life for the past two decades, and perhaps during the last half, I started to seek out the answers to those simple questions. What do I love? What do I enjoy? What do I want?According to Beck, this part of ourselves is called the “essential self”, something born a curious, fascinated and playful little creature.  “After forty-five years, it still contained powerful urges toward individuality, exploration, spontaneity, and joy.  But by repressing these urges for years and years, Melvin’s “social self” had lost access to them.  It was inevitable that Melvin would also lose his true path, because while his social self was the vehicle carrying him through life, it was cut off from his essential self, which had all the navigational equipment that pointed toward his North Star.”I’m finding myself back to a balance.  From all outward appearances it may seem I’m lost at sea without a rudder or a compass, but that was the state I had been – a proverbial navigational breakdown, but not anymore.  I’m making the hard adjustments and gaining control of my ship.  A storm still rages, the waters are tumultuous, but I see small glimpses of my North Star and am holding the helm steady. My ship is taking a beating, but I’m still afloat, I still sail, and I will arrive at my destination. Till next time,~T.L. Gray