Tremayne Moore's Blog, page 9
October 29, 2014
The Crab Mentality & How It Hurts Us
I was sitting on the plane a few weeks ago and was wondering why we don't support each other. Other groups support each other, but in most cases, we don't. Notice I said "most cases." I asked a few friends (all of them are fellow authors) to help me understand why we don't support each other. They either gave me some reasons with explanations or they answered some questions that were going through my mind.
I'll start with the questions first, which one fellow author answered with no shame. :)
Questions: Do you suppose that most people of our race don't want to support our vision/dream for the following reasons:1. They fear that we will surpass their socio-economic status?Yes, I definitely think this is true. Some people will support you until they feel like you are surpassing them. And this is especially true of self-published authors. Some of the readers/friends who supported me in the beginning, can't be found now because they think I'm outdoing them.2. It's easier to support someone famous vs. someone local (or grew up with during childhood)Yes because I had some friends who didn't buy my books until I made it into the bookstores. And then I had some who didn't support me until I made the Amazon bestseller's list. So if you're my friend, why did you wait to support me? You're only supporting me now because you think I'm a local celebrity because I've been in the newspaper a few times. 3. If they support, they want something in return (or just want us to give, but will support someone 10x wealthier than them & not even thinking of them).Yes, I always have people coming to me saying, "You're an entrepreneur, I have this great business idea to share with you." And I tell them that I already have more business than I can handle and I'm not looking for any new ventures. And these are usually people who haven't supported me but want to use me. And when people come to me saying, "Let me take you to lunch, I want to pick your brain." I usually pass because what they want is free information for a $5 meal. No thank you.
And one more thing, our people want me to publish them for free but they will pay AuthorHouse (or another vanity publisher) thousands of dollars to get published. But then they want to blast me for charging a thousand. Or they come to me after they have paid thousands to them and want me to make corrections for free...
If that isn't a crab mentality, I don't know what is.
Another fellow author had this to say (and she also gave a great observation of how we should support each other): My thoughts are that the reasons you stated contribute to the crab mentality. In addition, many suffer from jealousy, envy, hatred and wanting to be like someone else or having what someone else has, and this is why they can't offer real support. I think people like this have internal issues that must be seriously dealt with. Most of the time, these people won't show this kind of attitude right away. But, it will certainly appear because they are poor at hiding it. Also, keep in mind that when people are miserable, they want others to be miserable too. They will often play the victim role to keep the attention on themselves so that others are distracted from supporting your vision or dreams. The crab mentality rears its ugly head in every situation when it comes to our race. We are so used to asking for a "hook up" and freebies from black owned businesses while we spend all of our money on Tommy Hilfiger, Polo and Coach... making them rich. But, really, some just don't want to see you doing better than them and that is sooooo sad. I think of Oprah and her best friend, Gayle.
The final fellow author chimed in and said this: People don't support because they don't believe in you. In other words: people often don't believe in you because of their own personal prejudices or views of themselves.
I would like to thank the three fellow authors who shared their thoughts on a topic that needs to be addressed. In lieu of what was stated above, our mentality has to change. We can no longer blame others for our own plight.
Blessings:The Mayne Man
I'll start with the questions first, which one fellow author answered with no shame. :)
Questions: Do you suppose that most people of our race don't want to support our vision/dream for the following reasons:1. They fear that we will surpass their socio-economic status?Yes, I definitely think this is true. Some people will support you until they feel like you are surpassing them. And this is especially true of self-published authors. Some of the readers/friends who supported me in the beginning, can't be found now because they think I'm outdoing them.2. It's easier to support someone famous vs. someone local (or grew up with during childhood)Yes because I had some friends who didn't buy my books until I made it into the bookstores. And then I had some who didn't support me until I made the Amazon bestseller's list. So if you're my friend, why did you wait to support me? You're only supporting me now because you think I'm a local celebrity because I've been in the newspaper a few times. 3. If they support, they want something in return (or just want us to give, but will support someone 10x wealthier than them & not even thinking of them).Yes, I always have people coming to me saying, "You're an entrepreneur, I have this great business idea to share with you." And I tell them that I already have more business than I can handle and I'm not looking for any new ventures. And these are usually people who haven't supported me but want to use me. And when people come to me saying, "Let me take you to lunch, I want to pick your brain." I usually pass because what they want is free information for a $5 meal. No thank you.
And one more thing, our people want me to publish them for free but they will pay AuthorHouse (or another vanity publisher) thousands of dollars to get published. But then they want to blast me for charging a thousand. Or they come to me after they have paid thousands to them and want me to make corrections for free...
If that isn't a crab mentality, I don't know what is.
Another fellow author had this to say (and she also gave a great observation of how we should support each other): My thoughts are that the reasons you stated contribute to the crab mentality. In addition, many suffer from jealousy, envy, hatred and wanting to be like someone else or having what someone else has, and this is why they can't offer real support. I think people like this have internal issues that must be seriously dealt with. Most of the time, these people won't show this kind of attitude right away. But, it will certainly appear because they are poor at hiding it. Also, keep in mind that when people are miserable, they want others to be miserable too. They will often play the victim role to keep the attention on themselves so that others are distracted from supporting your vision or dreams. The crab mentality rears its ugly head in every situation when it comes to our race. We are so used to asking for a "hook up" and freebies from black owned businesses while we spend all of our money on Tommy Hilfiger, Polo and Coach... making them rich. But, really, some just don't want to see you doing better than them and that is sooooo sad. I think of Oprah and her best friend, Gayle.
The final fellow author chimed in and said this: People don't support because they don't believe in you. In other words: people often don't believe in you because of their own personal prejudices or views of themselves.
I would like to thank the three fellow authors who shared their thoughts on a topic that needs to be addressed. In lieu of what was stated above, our mentality has to change. We can no longer blame others for our own plight.
Blessings:The Mayne Man
October 22, 2014
The Woman, Her Mate & Her Pastor
In a culture where people want to be so independent, we fail to see that independence, if left unchecked, will breed selfishness. I posed a question to Pastor Shantae Charles to get a woman's viewpoint on this very topic. It grieves my heart when people become so independent that they desire to tear down another person's identity in order to make them feel better.
Now, I didn't grow up in church during my childhood, and it wasn't until I left home when I started going. One thing I have seen is this pattern: the men are in leadership positions, and get this: the majority of the congregation is women (married and single). And in some churches, people in the pews are lusting after their pastor or someone in a leadership role. So, I don't know if this left a bad taste for women to feel that all men are unlearned when it comes to the Bible, or they sense that if he is a man after God's heart, I must prove myself and tear him down to prove who I am and that I know more than him. That's truthfully pride and ego, and it's also a sin. Understand, the devil is destroying the family and keeping the head away from the church. I didn't plan to say this, but if he can separate a man from a woman, both are in danger. This is why it's so important for men & women to cover each other, grow with each other, pray and intercede for each other, and ensure they both speak words of love and respect for each other. There is no room for stripping a man's identity to prove your independence, and there's no room for tearing a woman's confidence to prove your manhood.
Ok, that was not in the script, but praise God for that. Now let me get back to the message. What I'm about say may offend some women but it's not my intention. I have an utmost respect for you ladies and I believe God has empowered you with a power that is unstoppable. If used for His Glory, it's a sweet aroma. If not, it can wreck a home and the lives of yourself and your respective spouse.
I have seen cases where a man and a woman get married, and the woman will do everything she can to undermine her husband. She will start comparing her husband to her pastor, listening to her pastor more than her husband and in some cases, she will even place her pastor over the Bible. Now with that last part: we all have a tendency to put our pastor and church over the Bible. Now if this leader tickles the ear, there's a strong possibility she will start listening more to her leader over her husband. Comments such as "the pastor said," or "what do you know, you're not a leader." One of my brothers was in the military and he had orders to move to another state. His wife was so involved with the church and the teaching that she abandoned her husband (and marriage) to stay close to the church. This brother is a man of God and is truly a brother to me.
Regardless of where the husband is in his life (but for the purpose of this blog, I'm referring to a man seeking the heart of God), it can crush his spirit and leave a feeling that he's not respected. He truly loves his wife, and his faith is truly secure, but his ability to speak into his spouse's life is hindered tremendously.
Now that I got that out, let me invite Pastor Shantae Charles to my blogpost. It's great to get feedback from women and I have learned with my writings, a woman's touch enhances what I'm striving to convey (smile Shantae & Cynthia - those are my editors for the benefit of those new to my blog). Pastor Shantae, I have a question for you: do you find that some women will put a pastor, prophet, etc. over their spouses? Granted, the spouse makes mistakes, they're human, but is it dangerous to put a church leader over their spouse or put both over God?
Husbands are the direct spiritual covering for their wives. However, if he is unbelieving, Paul stated her prayers could cover the family.
Pastors oversee our spiritual life in general. They are not God.
A woman with no husband is first covered by God, her natural father, and her spiritual leader, not as husband, but Shepherd. This is where singles get in trouble. Your Pastor is not your husband (or wife). Ref: 1 Corinthians 7:13-14.
Thanks a bunch. And all I can say to that is Amen. You all be blessed today.
The Mayne Man
Now, I didn't grow up in church during my childhood, and it wasn't until I left home when I started going. One thing I have seen is this pattern: the men are in leadership positions, and get this: the majority of the congregation is women (married and single). And in some churches, people in the pews are lusting after their pastor or someone in a leadership role. So, I don't know if this left a bad taste for women to feel that all men are unlearned when it comes to the Bible, or they sense that if he is a man after God's heart, I must prove myself and tear him down to prove who I am and that I know more than him. That's truthfully pride and ego, and it's also a sin. Understand, the devil is destroying the family and keeping the head away from the church. I didn't plan to say this, but if he can separate a man from a woman, both are in danger. This is why it's so important for men & women to cover each other, grow with each other, pray and intercede for each other, and ensure they both speak words of love and respect for each other. There is no room for stripping a man's identity to prove your independence, and there's no room for tearing a woman's confidence to prove your manhood.
Ok, that was not in the script, but praise God for that. Now let me get back to the message. What I'm about say may offend some women but it's not my intention. I have an utmost respect for you ladies and I believe God has empowered you with a power that is unstoppable. If used for His Glory, it's a sweet aroma. If not, it can wreck a home and the lives of yourself and your respective spouse.
I have seen cases where a man and a woman get married, and the woman will do everything she can to undermine her husband. She will start comparing her husband to her pastor, listening to her pastor more than her husband and in some cases, she will even place her pastor over the Bible. Now with that last part: we all have a tendency to put our pastor and church over the Bible. Now if this leader tickles the ear, there's a strong possibility she will start listening more to her leader over her husband. Comments such as "the pastor said," or "what do you know, you're not a leader." One of my brothers was in the military and he had orders to move to another state. His wife was so involved with the church and the teaching that she abandoned her husband (and marriage) to stay close to the church. This brother is a man of God and is truly a brother to me.
Regardless of where the husband is in his life (but for the purpose of this blog, I'm referring to a man seeking the heart of God), it can crush his spirit and leave a feeling that he's not respected. He truly loves his wife, and his faith is truly secure, but his ability to speak into his spouse's life is hindered tremendously.
Now that I got that out, let me invite Pastor Shantae Charles to my blogpost. It's great to get feedback from women and I have learned with my writings, a woman's touch enhances what I'm striving to convey (smile Shantae & Cynthia - those are my editors for the benefit of those new to my blog). Pastor Shantae, I have a question for you: do you find that some women will put a pastor, prophet, etc. over their spouses? Granted, the spouse makes mistakes, they're human, but is it dangerous to put a church leader over their spouse or put both over God?
Husbands are the direct spiritual covering for their wives. However, if he is unbelieving, Paul stated her prayers could cover the family.
Pastors oversee our spiritual life in general. They are not God.
A woman with no husband is first covered by God, her natural father, and her spiritual leader, not as husband, but Shepherd. This is where singles get in trouble. Your Pastor is not your husband (or wife). Ref: 1 Corinthians 7:13-14.
Thanks a bunch. And all I can say to that is Amen. You all be blessed today.
The Mayne Man
October 21, 2014
Why Suffering In Silence Causes Suicide
This was an unexpected post, but this is very important. If you are contemplating or even attempting suicide, I'm declaring a trigger warning if you proceed to read it, but more importantly, please seek help. I am going to say that numerous times in this post.
You know, it's important to have people who will have your back no matter what you're going through. Some of you are probably thinking, with the people in my circle, who needs enemies. You have to say or do something drastic just to be heard. Or when you reach out, no one is there (or if they do, they're doing you a favor), but you have to be there for them when they're hurting. It's been said life is hard, and only the strong survive. There's probably a question going through your mind: how do I get strong? You start by loving the person you were created to be. It doesn't happen overnight. It might be a process especially if rejection and abuse is all you've received for most of your life. Support is needed to help you through it (and not everybody in your circle may be cut out to be your support).
When I went through my suicidal spell in 2011, I can't even begin to tell you how many people were willing to let me suffer in silence. If you are currently suffering in silence, I pray that you seek help. Sadly, there are people in this world (and they may be in your circle) who could care less if you live or die. And there are people with no conscious and will ridicule you to the point where you commit suicide to some capacity (it may not always be physical, but it could be mental suicide or emotional suicide). Adding on, there are people in this world who have no heart and their heart's desire is to point fingers at you (i.e., state that everything is your fault) to cause your suicide.
Questions: do you feel like you're being punished in life and that your purpose here on earth is to suffer? I pray you won't feel that way as you read. Do you feel that you have to lie when people ask how are you? In fact, you know they want to see a Joel Osteen smile when the truth is, you're trying to find out how you are going to cope with the pain that's on your mind and your heart.
Now for many who are suffering in silence, it may seem like you will have to walk alone (because your circle is full of people instilling fear and judgment). Now there are some reading this telling those suffering that it's their perception and they need to change it. I challenge you to understand them so they feel like they're understood (even if you don't believe what they believe). I guarantee you, they are willing to listen if you are not pointing a finger and saying that everything from childhood till now is their fault. And to immediately say that they need to go to therapy without any emotion is going to alienate them (and cause them to feel they are worthless).
If you are suffering in silence, you may feel like you are shut out from the world, and that you must go away. If this is you, I can imagine that you're crying right now and I feel your tears. I beg that you don't do it, no matter how much you want to.
Despite the people who want to see you fail in life, the people who want to take advantage of you, the people who want to add alcohol to your wounds, and sadly the people who want to see you dead; you have something to live for. You may not know right now, but I ask that you don't give up. It's hard when you have been rejected from heartless people and those who mean well (but can't communicate it well - to this group, don't stop loving the one who's hurting).
You may have made a mistake in life and you feel that you have to suffer in silence. If this is you, you don't have to suffer (but please be careful who you share that with). Finding the right person may be hard, and I would be less than a man if I didn't say that. As a result, you may feel forced to suffer in silence.
Let me say this: God is listening and He knows where you are. When no human being wants to listen, He will. He knows that love is growing cold and that we lack long suffering (patience). He knows that we fail to bear each other's burdens and that we're selfish at times. He knows that you want to just crawl up into a ball and die even as you are reading this right now.
If you are reading this and you know someone suffering in silence, please don't X them out of your life. They really do need you. In fact, you could not only save their life from suicide, but you can help them advance to the next level in their lives. That does not mean you say "Get over it!" Or "It's Gonna Get Better," and leave it at that. Don't accuse them and make them feel as if they are at fault. Build them up with words of healing and strength. For an exercise: look at Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. If you know someone who is shutting the world off because they are wounded, and feel like they are being judged (or they won't be heard), keep seeking them and pray for them. People are dying by the dozens daily because they are suffering in silence and they feel like they are to suffer alone. The reason why suffering in silence causes suicide is because they feel like their suffering alone. They don't want to die, they want to live. Cliches truthfully add more wounds to them. Their pain can go all the way back to childhood or it can be recent such as a breakup of a friendship/relationship.
In closing: if you are suffering and need someone to listen, please call a therapist, or a good friend who won't judge you and add further inflictions to your wounds.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
You know, it's important to have people who will have your back no matter what you're going through. Some of you are probably thinking, with the people in my circle, who needs enemies. You have to say or do something drastic just to be heard. Or when you reach out, no one is there (or if they do, they're doing you a favor), but you have to be there for them when they're hurting. It's been said life is hard, and only the strong survive. There's probably a question going through your mind: how do I get strong? You start by loving the person you were created to be. It doesn't happen overnight. It might be a process especially if rejection and abuse is all you've received for most of your life. Support is needed to help you through it (and not everybody in your circle may be cut out to be your support).
When I went through my suicidal spell in 2011, I can't even begin to tell you how many people were willing to let me suffer in silence. If you are currently suffering in silence, I pray that you seek help. Sadly, there are people in this world (and they may be in your circle) who could care less if you live or die. And there are people with no conscious and will ridicule you to the point where you commit suicide to some capacity (it may not always be physical, but it could be mental suicide or emotional suicide). Adding on, there are people in this world who have no heart and their heart's desire is to point fingers at you (i.e., state that everything is your fault) to cause your suicide.
Questions: do you feel like you're being punished in life and that your purpose here on earth is to suffer? I pray you won't feel that way as you read. Do you feel that you have to lie when people ask how are you? In fact, you know they want to see a Joel Osteen smile when the truth is, you're trying to find out how you are going to cope with the pain that's on your mind and your heart.
Now for many who are suffering in silence, it may seem like you will have to walk alone (because your circle is full of people instilling fear and judgment). Now there are some reading this telling those suffering that it's their perception and they need to change it. I challenge you to understand them so they feel like they're understood (even if you don't believe what they believe). I guarantee you, they are willing to listen if you are not pointing a finger and saying that everything from childhood till now is their fault. And to immediately say that they need to go to therapy without any emotion is going to alienate them (and cause them to feel they are worthless).
If you are suffering in silence, you may feel like you are shut out from the world, and that you must go away. If this is you, I can imagine that you're crying right now and I feel your tears. I beg that you don't do it, no matter how much you want to.
Despite the people who want to see you fail in life, the people who want to take advantage of you, the people who want to add alcohol to your wounds, and sadly the people who want to see you dead; you have something to live for. You may not know right now, but I ask that you don't give up. It's hard when you have been rejected from heartless people and those who mean well (but can't communicate it well - to this group, don't stop loving the one who's hurting).
You may have made a mistake in life and you feel that you have to suffer in silence. If this is you, you don't have to suffer (but please be careful who you share that with). Finding the right person may be hard, and I would be less than a man if I didn't say that. As a result, you may feel forced to suffer in silence.
Let me say this: God is listening and He knows where you are. When no human being wants to listen, He will. He knows that love is growing cold and that we lack long suffering (patience). He knows that we fail to bear each other's burdens and that we're selfish at times. He knows that you want to just crawl up into a ball and die even as you are reading this right now.
If you are reading this and you know someone suffering in silence, please don't X them out of your life. They really do need you. In fact, you could not only save their life from suicide, but you can help them advance to the next level in their lives. That does not mean you say "Get over it!" Or "It's Gonna Get Better," and leave it at that. Don't accuse them and make them feel as if they are at fault. Build them up with words of healing and strength. For an exercise: look at Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. If you know someone who is shutting the world off because they are wounded, and feel like they are being judged (or they won't be heard), keep seeking them and pray for them. People are dying by the dozens daily because they are suffering in silence and they feel like they are to suffer alone. The reason why suffering in silence causes suicide is because they feel like their suffering alone. They don't want to die, they want to live. Cliches truthfully add more wounds to them. Their pain can go all the way back to childhood or it can be recent such as a breakup of a friendship/relationship.
In closing: if you are suffering and need someone to listen, please call a therapist, or a good friend who won't judge you and add further inflictions to your wounds.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
An Abused Woman Does Not Need A Spineless Man
This title was on my spirit as I was getting ready for work this morning and I believe that more women will read this than men (in all seriousness, men NEED to read this).
A few disclaimers before I begin:1. If I had to subtitle this blogpost, it would be An Abused Man Does Not Need A Prayerless Woman.2. This blogpost is NOT intended to bash men; in fact, it's a plea for us men to wake up and understand the role we are to play as men (and husbands, though I'm not one as of yet).3. If you are with someone who has abandoned you, I'm not saying you should just up and divorce him or her. Please seek God about it.4. I want to extend a huge shoutout to the men who are covering their wives, praying over them if they have been abused, and are interceding for their healing. Sometimes you men are overlooked, so brother to brother, I stand with you. You are proving that there are men out there with spine.
Why does an abused woman not need a spineless man? First and foremost, women hurt easily than men do. The last thing they need is a weak man who will not be the support she needs. Ever since I released by 2012 novel DDBS, I have met a lot of people from all different walks of life. I have ran into a few scenarios that have left me concerned. One is where the woman has suffered childhood trauma and her husband is leaving her to suffer alone. I speak in many different outlets, and when a woman shares her abuse, I'll ask if she's married, where is her husband? I ask because he needs to be involved. Before I dive further as to why he needs to be involved, let's look at a familiar passage. 2 Samuel 13 is used a lot to address Tamar & her being rape, the sin of Amnon and the type of people (Jonadab) you don't need in your life (as he was an accomplice to Tamar being raped). I want to approach this passage from another perspective.
Let's look at verses 1-22: Now Absalom, David's son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David's son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man.And he said to him, "O son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me?" Amnon said to him, "I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister." Jonadab said to him, "Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, 'Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.'" So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. And when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, "Please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand." Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, "Go to your brother Amnon's house and prepare food for him." So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house, where he was lying down. And she took dough and kneaded it and made cakes in his sight and baked the cakes. And she took the pan and emptied it out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, "Send out everyone from me." So everyone went out from him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand." And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, "Come, lie with me, my sister." She answered him, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you." But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up! Go!" But she said to him, "No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me." But he would not listen to her. He called the young man who served him and said, "Put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her." Now she was wearing a long robe with sleeves, for thus were the virgin daughters of the king dressed. So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. And she laid her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went. And her brother Absalom said to her, "Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart." So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom's house. When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry. But Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had violated his sister Tamar.
Notice that King David was angry, but he couldn't do anything. Why? Two chapters back, he slept with Uriah's wife and had him killed when she informed David that she was pregnant. It was at that point where David was spineless because he could not even cover (protect) his own daughter. Absalom had to step in the role of what David was supposed to do. And it was to cover Tamar. That was David's responsibility to cover Tamar because she wasn't married and not Absalom's. But praise God Absalom covered her. And that's what Christ does when His children are hurting.
So what am I saying? Husbands, if your wife is fighting for her healing, trying to get her life back after it was stolen due to trauma (sexual, physical abuse), it's imperative that you don't render yourself spineless. She is counting on you to cover her and be her support.
Men, if you are single, you can cover a woman who's hurt as a friend. Be mindful of her emotions and yours (it's easy to be led on and of course - in some cases, one thing can lead to another). And the tragedy is that there is a broken friendship that could have been avoided. But praise God for restoration in Him. For He wants His children to be on one accord.
Let me get back on track. It saddens me when a man knows that his wife is cutting her leg to numb the pain and he's off in a different room as if she doesn't exist. Husbands, 1 Peter 3:7 says to dwell with your wives according to knowledge. Couples as they are courting need to lay their cards on the table. If a woman is in counseling, the rightful thing for a husband to do is support her, pray for understanding, and if you can attend with her, please do. That would make her feel special. To know that someone is willing to fight for her when people who have hurt her will seek to discredit her.
A spineless man cleaves to his wife, but he doesn't leave his family. That can have great repercussions, because families (especially if their house isn't in order), can sow negative seeds in him and they fester in the marriage (such as, leave her, you don't need to deal with her trauma from her past). A husband with a spine knows that Christ covers His bride, and he would do the same for his bride.
Now, there may be times when a woman is healed (or waiting for the manifestation of her healing - for whatever she's been through), a husband must stay in prayer in the event a trigger may arise in her (or God shows her something from her past that needs to be addressed), so he can be there when she needs him. The same holds true in reverse when a man has been hurt. She needs to be in prayer for him (and he desires to be whole). There may be cases where either spouse don't want help, advice: stay in your closet and intercede. Wait for God's instructions and not your friends.
A little off subject, but I must say this: some of you husbands have a good woman. You know it, your wife knows it and God knows it. If your wife is going through and you are living your life like you're single, ignoring the things she needs, God is going to deal with you because you are technically abandoning her and the relationship (some of you might disagree with me on that, and that's fine). If she's cutting, her family is disowning her because she's speaking out of what happened to her, and you're emotionally absent or physically absent from her (or perhaps you're escaping into the arms of another woman), don't think you are getting away with it and you are emptying the emotional bank account the moment you neglect her when she needs you most. Yes, she's the weaker vessel, but at the same time, it does not give us men the right to treat her any kind of way. That is showing the world how spineless we are as men. I've said this for about 20 years and I believe it to this day: most of the problems some women have stem from our behavior and how we treat them. No one (inside or outside the church) are holding them accountable. Let me lighten up for a minute and say this: I understand that there are men who fear commitment and that's fine. Just don't drag another person into a relationship and you don't understand what a commitment entails. You will damage your life and hers. In a nutshell: commitment is sacrifice. You are giving up your life for something or someone you love. When you give it up, it requires all of you. No holding back. Before committing to a relationship, understand the cost (Luke 14:28).
A small note on men who have been abused: Women, I plead with you not to automatically assume that because he's been abused he's living an alternative lifestyle. I'm proof that I'm heterosexual and just waiting to place the glass slipper for the Cinderella God has for me (smile). I get this question a lot when I speak at different venues. We men don't need judgments from women, but we do need women who will pray for us, stand in the gap for us, and most importantly, respect us. Now there are some men who won't share their story with their spouse. Let me say that will set you up for failure. When a trigger occurs in you, she will not know how to respond (whether she's praying for you or not). I beg you men to let your spouse know if you've been abused and what triggers you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. She will appreciate that and support you.
In summary: communication between a husband and wife is critical. If there is no communication, there is a breach in the relationship. A genuine relationship should have no breaches. And that will happen when husbands & wives understand their roles.
Blessings.
The Mayne Man
A few disclaimers before I begin:1. If I had to subtitle this blogpost, it would be An Abused Man Does Not Need A Prayerless Woman.2. This blogpost is NOT intended to bash men; in fact, it's a plea for us men to wake up and understand the role we are to play as men (and husbands, though I'm not one as of yet).3. If you are with someone who has abandoned you, I'm not saying you should just up and divorce him or her. Please seek God about it.4. I want to extend a huge shoutout to the men who are covering their wives, praying over them if they have been abused, and are interceding for their healing. Sometimes you men are overlooked, so brother to brother, I stand with you. You are proving that there are men out there with spine.
Why does an abused woman not need a spineless man? First and foremost, women hurt easily than men do. The last thing they need is a weak man who will not be the support she needs. Ever since I released by 2012 novel DDBS, I have met a lot of people from all different walks of life. I have ran into a few scenarios that have left me concerned. One is where the woman has suffered childhood trauma and her husband is leaving her to suffer alone. I speak in many different outlets, and when a woman shares her abuse, I'll ask if she's married, where is her husband? I ask because he needs to be involved. Before I dive further as to why he needs to be involved, let's look at a familiar passage. 2 Samuel 13 is used a lot to address Tamar & her being rape, the sin of Amnon and the type of people (Jonadab) you don't need in your life (as he was an accomplice to Tamar being raped). I want to approach this passage from another perspective.
Let's look at verses 1-22: Now Absalom, David's son, had a beautiful sister, whose name was Tamar. And after a time Amnon, David's son, loved her. And Amnon was so tormented that he made himself ill because of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible to Amnon to do anything to her. But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David's brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man.And he said to him, "O son of the king, why are you so haggard morning after morning? Will you not tell me?" Amnon said to him, "I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister." Jonadab said to him, "Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, 'Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.'" So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. And when the king came to see him, Amnon said to the king, "Please let my sister Tamar come and make a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat from her hand." Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, "Go to your brother Amnon's house and prepare food for him." So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house, where he was lying down. And she took dough and kneaded it and made cakes in his sight and baked the cakes. And she took the pan and emptied it out before him, but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, "Send out everyone from me." So everyone went out from him. Then Amnon said to Tamar, "Bring the food into the chamber, that I may eat from your hand." And Tamar took the cakes she had made and brought them into the chamber to Amnon her brother. But when she brought them near him to eat, he took hold of her and said to her, "Come, lie with me, my sister." She answered him, "No, my brother, do not violate me, for such a thing is not done in Israel; do not do this outrageous thing. As for me, where could I carry my shame? And as for you, you would be as one of the outrageous fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king, for he will not withhold me from you." But he would not listen to her, and being stronger than she, he violated her and lay with her. Then Amnon hated her with very great hatred, so that the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. And Amnon said to her, "Get up! Go!" But she said to him, "No, my brother, for this wrong in sending me away is greater than the other that you did to me." But he would not listen to her. He called the young man who served him and said, "Put this woman out of my presence and bolt the door after her." Now she was wearing a long robe with sleeves, for thus were the virgin daughters of the king dressed. So his servant put her out and bolted the door after her. And Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long robe that she wore. And she laid her hand on her head and went away, crying aloud as she went. And her brother Absalom said to her, "Has Amnon your brother been with you? Now hold your peace, my sister. He is your brother; do not take this to heart." So Tamar lived, a desolate woman, in her brother Absalom's house. When King David heard of all these things, he was very angry. But Absalom spoke to Amnon neither good nor bad, for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had violated his sister Tamar.
Notice that King David was angry, but he couldn't do anything. Why? Two chapters back, he slept with Uriah's wife and had him killed when she informed David that she was pregnant. It was at that point where David was spineless because he could not even cover (protect) his own daughter. Absalom had to step in the role of what David was supposed to do. And it was to cover Tamar. That was David's responsibility to cover Tamar because she wasn't married and not Absalom's. But praise God Absalom covered her. And that's what Christ does when His children are hurting.
So what am I saying? Husbands, if your wife is fighting for her healing, trying to get her life back after it was stolen due to trauma (sexual, physical abuse), it's imperative that you don't render yourself spineless. She is counting on you to cover her and be her support.
Men, if you are single, you can cover a woman who's hurt as a friend. Be mindful of her emotions and yours (it's easy to be led on and of course - in some cases, one thing can lead to another). And the tragedy is that there is a broken friendship that could have been avoided. But praise God for restoration in Him. For He wants His children to be on one accord.
Let me get back on track. It saddens me when a man knows that his wife is cutting her leg to numb the pain and he's off in a different room as if she doesn't exist. Husbands, 1 Peter 3:7 says to dwell with your wives according to knowledge. Couples as they are courting need to lay their cards on the table. If a woman is in counseling, the rightful thing for a husband to do is support her, pray for understanding, and if you can attend with her, please do. That would make her feel special. To know that someone is willing to fight for her when people who have hurt her will seek to discredit her.
A spineless man cleaves to his wife, but he doesn't leave his family. That can have great repercussions, because families (especially if their house isn't in order), can sow negative seeds in him and they fester in the marriage (such as, leave her, you don't need to deal with her trauma from her past). A husband with a spine knows that Christ covers His bride, and he would do the same for his bride.
Now, there may be times when a woman is healed (or waiting for the manifestation of her healing - for whatever she's been through), a husband must stay in prayer in the event a trigger may arise in her (or God shows her something from her past that needs to be addressed), so he can be there when she needs him. The same holds true in reverse when a man has been hurt. She needs to be in prayer for him (and he desires to be whole). There may be cases where either spouse don't want help, advice: stay in your closet and intercede. Wait for God's instructions and not your friends.
A little off subject, but I must say this: some of you husbands have a good woman. You know it, your wife knows it and God knows it. If your wife is going through and you are living your life like you're single, ignoring the things she needs, God is going to deal with you because you are technically abandoning her and the relationship (some of you might disagree with me on that, and that's fine). If she's cutting, her family is disowning her because she's speaking out of what happened to her, and you're emotionally absent or physically absent from her (or perhaps you're escaping into the arms of another woman), don't think you are getting away with it and you are emptying the emotional bank account the moment you neglect her when she needs you most. Yes, she's the weaker vessel, but at the same time, it does not give us men the right to treat her any kind of way. That is showing the world how spineless we are as men. I've said this for about 20 years and I believe it to this day: most of the problems some women have stem from our behavior and how we treat them. No one (inside or outside the church) are holding them accountable. Let me lighten up for a minute and say this: I understand that there are men who fear commitment and that's fine. Just don't drag another person into a relationship and you don't understand what a commitment entails. You will damage your life and hers. In a nutshell: commitment is sacrifice. You are giving up your life for something or someone you love. When you give it up, it requires all of you. No holding back. Before committing to a relationship, understand the cost (Luke 14:28).
A small note on men who have been abused: Women, I plead with you not to automatically assume that because he's been abused he's living an alternative lifestyle. I'm proof that I'm heterosexual and just waiting to place the glass slipper for the Cinderella God has for me (smile). I get this question a lot when I speak at different venues. We men don't need judgments from women, but we do need women who will pray for us, stand in the gap for us, and most importantly, respect us. Now there are some men who won't share their story with their spouse. Let me say that will set you up for failure. When a trigger occurs in you, she will not know how to respond (whether she's praying for you or not). I beg you men to let your spouse know if you've been abused and what triggers you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. She will appreciate that and support you.
In summary: communication between a husband and wife is critical. If there is no communication, there is a breach in the relationship. A genuine relationship should have no breaches. And that will happen when husbands & wives understand their roles.
Blessings.
The Mayne Man
October 19, 2014
Should Women Knuckle Down To The Devil? (Domestic Violence Awareness)
This was just dropped on my spirit. I don't know if this blog post is going to restore marriages for women, but I believe this will save women's lives and set them free. Sometimes we harp on women for leaving their husbands when they are emotionally abusing, physically abusing to the point of death. I'm not just talking him throwing his fist at her, but also throwing hot oil at her, biting her ear off, and maiming her. I don't care if he is in the church or not, she should NOT have to knuckle down to the devil like that. For any person (saved or unsaved) to tell a woman she should stay in the relationship because God hates divorce, you are telling her to bow down to the devil because YOU want to see a Miracle. God would never tell anyone to submit to the devil. Men like that should be held accountable - a crime was committed.
To tell a woman she should separate and pray is fine, but she needs to protect her life. God would never tell a woman to knuckle down to the devil with her life (and especially when her man is spitting on her, degrading her position as a wife, etc).
Yes. We are to present our bodies as a living sacrifice, but not at the hands of the devil. Now many people are not going to agree with me with this part (especially those who are adamant about God hating divorce). You see, if I were to hit a woman, you know, I know, God knows & the devil knows that you (and those close to you) would see to it that I'm behind bars. And to allow abuse like this to go on in the church, is a stench in the nostrils of God. The bridegroom doesn't hurt the bride, so how dare we give men in the church a pass to hit women and turn around and tell women to submit and pray for your relationship. She should pray, yes; but truth is, he stepped out of God's will and into the devil's hands (and truthfully, she's free). Now think about this: what makes you think the man is going to want a woman to leave a relationship when he has that much power? He (being used by the devil) will use the control that the woman (and those who are adamant about God hating divorce) to further torture a woman. Why? Because we are not tuned to the truth about what God wants in a marriage relationship and we want things to fit our little box. Truth be told: there's a strong chance that with the advice you're giving others, you wouldn't even do.
So, what am I saying? Don't put yourself in situations where your life is in danger due to a violent spouse, don't allow a faith community to allow you to stay in a relationship where they condemn you for speaking out, and they advocate spousal beating and torture. Faith communities need to hold people accountable and stop focusing on miracles, signs & wonders without unity and one accord with God's Word.
Women: can I make this small disclaimer? You might be a praying woman, and will not take any garbage from the devil; if you continually submit yourself to any type of abuse as mentioned above, you are actually submitting yourself to the devil to the point where your life is threatening. God wants you to be whole and for you to live in the fullness of Him.
As a bonus: to the right of this blog, check out the video Pieces of Me skit (based on my novel addressing domestic violence). If you can't view it there, just click on this link: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ChbC7HLcZuA
I pray that this will set you free if you are tired if knuckling down to the devil in the realm of relationships. Yes, it does take two to tangle in the relationship; acknowledge the wrong you've caused, and now it's time for you to be free to be loved by someone who is truly committed to God's Word. But more importantly, you should be free to love God for who He is. He's a healer, protector, provider, and a Savior who would never hurt you if You are in Him.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
To tell a woman she should separate and pray is fine, but she needs to protect her life. God would never tell a woman to knuckle down to the devil with her life (and especially when her man is spitting on her, degrading her position as a wife, etc).
Yes. We are to present our bodies as a living sacrifice, but not at the hands of the devil. Now many people are not going to agree with me with this part (especially those who are adamant about God hating divorce). You see, if I were to hit a woman, you know, I know, God knows & the devil knows that you (and those close to you) would see to it that I'm behind bars. And to allow abuse like this to go on in the church, is a stench in the nostrils of God. The bridegroom doesn't hurt the bride, so how dare we give men in the church a pass to hit women and turn around and tell women to submit and pray for your relationship. She should pray, yes; but truth is, he stepped out of God's will and into the devil's hands (and truthfully, she's free). Now think about this: what makes you think the man is going to want a woman to leave a relationship when he has that much power? He (being used by the devil) will use the control that the woman (and those who are adamant about God hating divorce) to further torture a woman. Why? Because we are not tuned to the truth about what God wants in a marriage relationship and we want things to fit our little box. Truth be told: there's a strong chance that with the advice you're giving others, you wouldn't even do.
So, what am I saying? Don't put yourself in situations where your life is in danger due to a violent spouse, don't allow a faith community to allow you to stay in a relationship where they condemn you for speaking out, and they advocate spousal beating and torture. Faith communities need to hold people accountable and stop focusing on miracles, signs & wonders without unity and one accord with God's Word.
Women: can I make this small disclaimer? You might be a praying woman, and will not take any garbage from the devil; if you continually submit yourself to any type of abuse as mentioned above, you are actually submitting yourself to the devil to the point where your life is threatening. God wants you to be whole and for you to live in the fullness of Him.
As a bonus: to the right of this blog, check out the video Pieces of Me skit (based on my novel addressing domestic violence). If you can't view it there, just click on this link: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ChbC7HLcZuA
I pray that this will set you free if you are tired if knuckling down to the devil in the realm of relationships. Yes, it does take two to tangle in the relationship; acknowledge the wrong you've caused, and now it's time for you to be free to be loved by someone who is truly committed to God's Word. But more importantly, you should be free to love God for who He is. He's a healer, protector, provider, and a Savior who would never hurt you if You are in Him.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
October 3, 2014
Is Judas or Jonathan In Your Circle of Friends?
This blog was dropped in my spirit an hour ago. I want to start this blog with a question: How many times have you seen on social media, people are complaining about those who they thought were friends but turned out to be fake? Now, if you're one who experiences this quote often, ask yourself, how many Judas Iscariot's are in your circle? Then ask, how many Jonathan's are in your circle? Before I go any further, let me say this: both are needed in your life, BUT, you need to regulate the Judas' and cultivate the Jonathan's.
James 1 says that if we lack wisdom, let him ask of God. Believe me, He will do it. Proverbs 4 says to guard your heart. Jesus said to be wise as serpents (now the serpent was crafty) but harmless as doves. That must be seriously balanced. Many times we do one or the other.
Ok. Let's start with Judas. Jesus chose Judas to be part of the inner circle. Many will speculate why he was chosen, but I don't want to focus there. If you were to look at the character of Judas, he was not only a thief, but an impostor of a disciple. He hid his true colors so well that the other 11 disciples didn't know. Judas will walk with you, talk with you, but once you encroach on his personal agenda, he will betray. Judas wanted an earthly king. Now watch this, Judas sold Jesus out for 30 pieces of silver. Many people reading this have been betrayed in some shape or form. For some of the Judas' in your life, you were able to detect a snake immediately. Some will come subtlety to rip your world in two. When the devil came to Eve, he came with doubts and a desire to disrupt the plan of God. When most impostors attack, they wait until your heart is fully attached to the friendship (and relationship/marriage if it gets to that point), before the mask comes out.
This is why friendships need to be covered in prayer and you need the wisdom of God. With me personally, I detect impostors by conversations. Sometimes The Lord will have me ask a certain question just to show me their reaction. But this is Godly Wisdom. He may have you challenge your friends in a different manner. God wants to protect you, the devil wants you to get sucked in via his impostors. Prayer, fasting & interceding can assist in you regulating and cultivating friendships. Most of the people you have to regulate, you'll end up terminating. It hurts to lose people in your circle, but I believe peace of mind is better than a heart ripped out of you.
Now let's look at Jonathan. In 1 Samuel 18 starting with the first verse: As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.
Wow! A true friend will love you as he loves his own soul. No selfish agenda here. Now watch this: Jonathan was the son of King Saul (who God rejected as king). How many of your friends love you as they love their own soul? That's a very important question. Don't be surprised if you only find one or two people. And that's a good thing. Think about it: less people, less drama. Jesus wasn't about drama. When the 70 disciples left, He looked at the 12 and asked them, "are you leaving also?" It's been said: extra baggage carries a lot of weight and you have to pay for that extra weight.
Continuing with Jonathan: in 1 Samuel 19, King Saul told Jonathan that he was going to kill David. Now you would think that a son would be loyal to their father (they should unless the father is for evil like Saul was). Jonathan loved David so much, that he would protect David from his father. Now that's a good friend, right there. Now how many of you desire that kind of a friend?
Now a question you might be asking: How did Judas hide his character so well? Remember that a demon spirit can easily transform into an angel of light (and will speak things your ear wants to hear). Again, discernment is key. Now, I'm not saying cut everybody off cause you've been burned (and I know many reading this have been burned terribly - broken friendships, relationships, marriages, and the list goes on).
In closing, if someone entices you to do wrong, that's not a friend. If someone starts off as sweet, discern and watch. Just like Jesus said to watch & pray, do the same. He wants to protect you from the fake people. He gave us life to enjoy abundantly.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
James 1 says that if we lack wisdom, let him ask of God. Believe me, He will do it. Proverbs 4 says to guard your heart. Jesus said to be wise as serpents (now the serpent was crafty) but harmless as doves. That must be seriously balanced. Many times we do one or the other.
Ok. Let's start with Judas. Jesus chose Judas to be part of the inner circle. Many will speculate why he was chosen, but I don't want to focus there. If you were to look at the character of Judas, he was not only a thief, but an impostor of a disciple. He hid his true colors so well that the other 11 disciples didn't know. Judas will walk with you, talk with you, but once you encroach on his personal agenda, he will betray. Judas wanted an earthly king. Now watch this, Judas sold Jesus out for 30 pieces of silver. Many people reading this have been betrayed in some shape or form. For some of the Judas' in your life, you were able to detect a snake immediately. Some will come subtlety to rip your world in two. When the devil came to Eve, he came with doubts and a desire to disrupt the plan of God. When most impostors attack, they wait until your heart is fully attached to the friendship (and relationship/marriage if it gets to that point), before the mask comes out.
This is why friendships need to be covered in prayer and you need the wisdom of God. With me personally, I detect impostors by conversations. Sometimes The Lord will have me ask a certain question just to show me their reaction. But this is Godly Wisdom. He may have you challenge your friends in a different manner. God wants to protect you, the devil wants you to get sucked in via his impostors. Prayer, fasting & interceding can assist in you regulating and cultivating friendships. Most of the people you have to regulate, you'll end up terminating. It hurts to lose people in your circle, but I believe peace of mind is better than a heart ripped out of you.
Now let's look at Jonathan. In 1 Samuel 18 starting with the first verse: As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.
Wow! A true friend will love you as he loves his own soul. No selfish agenda here. Now watch this: Jonathan was the son of King Saul (who God rejected as king). How many of your friends love you as they love their own soul? That's a very important question. Don't be surprised if you only find one or two people. And that's a good thing. Think about it: less people, less drama. Jesus wasn't about drama. When the 70 disciples left, He looked at the 12 and asked them, "are you leaving also?" It's been said: extra baggage carries a lot of weight and you have to pay for that extra weight.
Continuing with Jonathan: in 1 Samuel 19, King Saul told Jonathan that he was going to kill David. Now you would think that a son would be loyal to their father (they should unless the father is for evil like Saul was). Jonathan loved David so much, that he would protect David from his father. Now that's a good friend, right there. Now how many of you desire that kind of a friend?
Now a question you might be asking: How did Judas hide his character so well? Remember that a demon spirit can easily transform into an angel of light (and will speak things your ear wants to hear). Again, discernment is key. Now, I'm not saying cut everybody off cause you've been burned (and I know many reading this have been burned terribly - broken friendships, relationships, marriages, and the list goes on).
In closing, if someone entices you to do wrong, that's not a friend. If someone starts off as sweet, discern and watch. Just like Jesus said to watch & pray, do the same. He wants to protect you from the fake people. He gave us life to enjoy abundantly.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
Emotional Deposits In Relationships
Back in March of this year, I did a series on FB entitled Relationship 101 (and I posted it on my blog in the same month). Within the series, I was talking about the importance of "emotional deposits." And someone wanted me to expound on this (which I did 3/18/14). If you're married or single, there are some nuggets in this for you. So sit back and get ready to receive.
What are emotional deposits? Let's break this up in two parts: in a bank, you make deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are where you're putting something in, and withdrawals are where you're taking out what you put in. What are emotions? They are what a person feels (whether good or bad). You can put in good deposits and take out good deposits (via a withdrawal). Before I dive deep into this, let's look at Song of Solomon for a brief moment. Here we find the man depositing into his newly bride (in 4:9-11): You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
That right there, whew! Now what woman wouldn't want to hear that! I could do an entire lesson on that, but that's a great example of an emotional deposit. Now let's look at the bride making an emotional deposit to her husband (from 5:10-16)
My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.
That right there! She's showing him respect (and making an emotional deposit into him).
Both of those out together sum up Ephesians 5:21-33.
You see, just like parents make "emotional deposits" into their children's life, spouses need to make emotional deposits" into each other. For this particular post, I'm focusing on the husband making deposits into his wife. I will always say this when I talk about emotional deposits: no man should make an emotional deposit just to get into a woman's drawers!!! Emotional deposits (from a marriage standpoint) is where you are speaking life and encouragement to each other with no ulterior motives. Will my marriage friends help me out with this (and comment)? Continuing on, when a man makes emotional deposits into his wife, he loves her and cherishes her as his help. He's not after the sex, or manipulating her mind, physically or emotionally abusing her; he knows that he can't just treat her any kind of way. A real man makes emotional deposits into his wife because he knows that his success is tied into hers, and the better he is to her, the better she is to him, and the better he is, period! He wants her to succeed, so he'll speak words to encourage her to succeed in the natural and spiritual realm. He wants her to fulfill the dream He gave her, so He will pray for her, cover her and speak words that will help her, propel her to be all that God wants her to be. Emotional deposits are not to be manipulated for selfish purposes. True emotional deposits should show agape love!For those men who are just trying to get into her drawers or to treat her violently, yeah you'll deposit something when you initially speak into her life, but the moment you act selfish, you would've used up everything in that account you deposited (faster than when you initially deposited into her life).
One of my sister friends said this as I was preparing this: Some people go into marriage making constant withdrawals until the account is overdrawn. It's very important that you make deposits daily in your marriage to avoid insufficient funds and you work on keeping your marriage in a positive cash flow.
I agree with her in that marriages fail because they fall into a state of bankruptcy (i.e., loss of peace, joy, harmony, communication, intimacy, honesty, loyalty) leaving each other feeling angry, bitter, and feeling used.
I want to pause for a moment because there might be someone single asking, what about us singles? Granted, I'm single (for the moment), so it would be an honor to address this question. There are some things you can do & say and there are some things you can NOT do and say. The key here is to not defraud your brother or sister (i.e., live-in boyfriend/girlfriend). Single Men, every single woman you come in contact with is your sister. Single Women, every single man you come in contact with is your brother. Singles should not be doing things that are only reserved for marital relationships. Sex is obvious of course, how we relate to others is one that gets overlooked. I can't fully cover a woman like a husband does (in this blog, I'm referring to a man of God). But I can pray for my sister (while allowing God to teach me what the role of a husband is - and observing Godly marriages). How do I make emotional deposits into a single woman that I'm interested in? First, I make her the focus of my prayer (with no ulterior motive), ensure boundaries are set in that relate to her as a friend (ensuring that neither of us defraud each other), keep my emotions in tact (sadly, sins such as fornication and adultery can come when emotions of both parties are out of whack), speak life to her, and know that I'm accountable to God for how I treat my sister in Christ.
One more thing before I jump back to the married folks. Single men specifically need to know this: when you are relating to a woman, your fist should never be used. You are proving that you don't understand emotional deposits and that you're not ready for marriage or any relationship. If you are degrading women and yourself with negative talk, you do not need to be trying to talk to a woman. Emotional deposits are dangerous when misapplied because you are damaging a woman and you will bring judgment over your life. The same holds true for single women who do the same thing.
Deposits in a bank account (now I'm an accountant by profession), are there for emergencies. You need to constantly make deposits every day (when you feel like it and when you don't feel like it).
If you have been hurt before due to a bad relationship (or if you've never been in a relationship before): make sure you discern a person's true intention. You can tell if a person's honest or not by their heart (most cases, you can determine that from first meeting or communication. When people don't understand covenant relationships mentally, emotionally & spiritually, they will not be able to sow emotional deposits into their significant other (no matter how hard they try). In fact, they will overdraft on the account (and those fees are high).
My sister friend brought up a great point. There may some people reading this who are in a blended family (or about to enter a relationship with someone who has children), let's talk briefly about emotional deposits in this case. Using myself as an example: if I marry a woman who has a child or children from prior relationship, emotional deposits are not JUST for her and treating her child or children with contempt. I am to make deposits into her offspring's life because if she's a part of me, then whatever else of hers is a part of me.
And this is me (not The Lord) talking when I close this blogpost. Some of you know when you're receiving the emotional support that you so need. Seek The Lord (and not others) when you feel it's time to close the account. Think about it, in banks, if you don't keep a certain amount of funds in a bank account, you will get hit with a monthly charge (and if you have zero dollars, your account will be hit with overdraft fees). And because this is October (domestic violence awareness month, it's fair that I say this. Men & Women, the moment you make a deposits into your spouse, and then you turn around and neglect, have an affair, verbally abuse, emotionally abuse or physically abuse your spouse and children, you will withdraw everything that you deposited that fast.
Emotional deposits start from the heart and with a relationship with God (and it's not just for your mate).
Blessings.
The Mayne Man
What are emotional deposits? Let's break this up in two parts: in a bank, you make deposits and withdrawals. Deposits are where you're putting something in, and withdrawals are where you're taking out what you put in. What are emotions? They are what a person feels (whether good or bad). You can put in good deposits and take out good deposits (via a withdrawal). Before I dive deep into this, let's look at Song of Solomon for a brief moment. Here we find the man depositing into his newly bride (in 4:9-11): You have captivated my heart, my sister, my bride; you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than any spice! Your lips drip nectar, my bride; honey and milk are under your tongue; the fragrance of your garments is like the fragrance of Lebanon.
That right there, whew! Now what woman wouldn't want to hear that! I could do an entire lesson on that, but that's a great example of an emotional deposit. Now let's look at the bride making an emotional deposit to her husband (from 5:10-16)
My beloved is radiant and ruddy, distinguished among ten thousand. His head is the finest gold; his locks are wavy, black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, sitting beside a full pool. His cheeks are like beds of spices, mounds of sweet-smelling herbs. His lips are lilies, dripping liquid myrrh. His arms are rods of gold, set with jewels. His body is polished ivory, bedecked with sapphires. His legs are alabaster columns, set on bases of gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem.
That right there! She's showing him respect (and making an emotional deposit into him).
Both of those out together sum up Ephesians 5:21-33.
You see, just like parents make "emotional deposits" into their children's life, spouses need to make emotional deposits" into each other. For this particular post, I'm focusing on the husband making deposits into his wife. I will always say this when I talk about emotional deposits: no man should make an emotional deposit just to get into a woman's drawers!!! Emotional deposits (from a marriage standpoint) is where you are speaking life and encouragement to each other with no ulterior motives. Will my marriage friends help me out with this (and comment)? Continuing on, when a man makes emotional deposits into his wife, he loves her and cherishes her as his help. He's not after the sex, or manipulating her mind, physically or emotionally abusing her; he knows that he can't just treat her any kind of way. A real man makes emotional deposits into his wife because he knows that his success is tied into hers, and the better he is to her, the better she is to him, and the better he is, period! He wants her to succeed, so he'll speak words to encourage her to succeed in the natural and spiritual realm. He wants her to fulfill the dream He gave her, so He will pray for her, cover her and speak words that will help her, propel her to be all that God wants her to be. Emotional deposits are not to be manipulated for selfish purposes. True emotional deposits should show agape love!For those men who are just trying to get into her drawers or to treat her violently, yeah you'll deposit something when you initially speak into her life, but the moment you act selfish, you would've used up everything in that account you deposited (faster than when you initially deposited into her life).
One of my sister friends said this as I was preparing this: Some people go into marriage making constant withdrawals until the account is overdrawn. It's very important that you make deposits daily in your marriage to avoid insufficient funds and you work on keeping your marriage in a positive cash flow.
I agree with her in that marriages fail because they fall into a state of bankruptcy (i.e., loss of peace, joy, harmony, communication, intimacy, honesty, loyalty) leaving each other feeling angry, bitter, and feeling used.
I want to pause for a moment because there might be someone single asking, what about us singles? Granted, I'm single (for the moment), so it would be an honor to address this question. There are some things you can do & say and there are some things you can NOT do and say. The key here is to not defraud your brother or sister (i.e., live-in boyfriend/girlfriend). Single Men, every single woman you come in contact with is your sister. Single Women, every single man you come in contact with is your brother. Singles should not be doing things that are only reserved for marital relationships. Sex is obvious of course, how we relate to others is one that gets overlooked. I can't fully cover a woman like a husband does (in this blog, I'm referring to a man of God). But I can pray for my sister (while allowing God to teach me what the role of a husband is - and observing Godly marriages). How do I make emotional deposits into a single woman that I'm interested in? First, I make her the focus of my prayer (with no ulterior motive), ensure boundaries are set in that relate to her as a friend (ensuring that neither of us defraud each other), keep my emotions in tact (sadly, sins such as fornication and adultery can come when emotions of both parties are out of whack), speak life to her, and know that I'm accountable to God for how I treat my sister in Christ.
One more thing before I jump back to the married folks. Single men specifically need to know this: when you are relating to a woman, your fist should never be used. You are proving that you don't understand emotional deposits and that you're not ready for marriage or any relationship. If you are degrading women and yourself with negative talk, you do not need to be trying to talk to a woman. Emotional deposits are dangerous when misapplied because you are damaging a woman and you will bring judgment over your life. The same holds true for single women who do the same thing.
Deposits in a bank account (now I'm an accountant by profession), are there for emergencies. You need to constantly make deposits every day (when you feel like it and when you don't feel like it).
If you have been hurt before due to a bad relationship (or if you've never been in a relationship before): make sure you discern a person's true intention. You can tell if a person's honest or not by their heart (most cases, you can determine that from first meeting or communication. When people don't understand covenant relationships mentally, emotionally & spiritually, they will not be able to sow emotional deposits into their significant other (no matter how hard they try). In fact, they will overdraft on the account (and those fees are high).
My sister friend brought up a great point. There may some people reading this who are in a blended family (or about to enter a relationship with someone who has children), let's talk briefly about emotional deposits in this case. Using myself as an example: if I marry a woman who has a child or children from prior relationship, emotional deposits are not JUST for her and treating her child or children with contempt. I am to make deposits into her offspring's life because if she's a part of me, then whatever else of hers is a part of me.
And this is me (not The Lord) talking when I close this blogpost. Some of you know when you're receiving the emotional support that you so need. Seek The Lord (and not others) when you feel it's time to close the account. Think about it, in banks, if you don't keep a certain amount of funds in a bank account, you will get hit with a monthly charge (and if you have zero dollars, your account will be hit with overdraft fees). And because this is October (domestic violence awareness month, it's fair that I say this. Men & Women, the moment you make a deposits into your spouse, and then you turn around and neglect, have an affair, verbally abuse, emotionally abuse or physically abuse your spouse and children, you will withdraw everything that you deposited that fast.
Emotional deposits start from the heart and with a relationship with God (and it's not just for your mate).
Blessings.
The Mayne Man
October 2, 2014
P.C.A. (Porn, Children & Abuse)
**Trigger Warning** to those who are struggling with this.
Last year, I was privileged to meet a fellow author & survivor Yvette Tatum. She wrote a book entitled I Didn’t Know: Identifying, Confronting & Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse (a recommended read). I read it while I was sitting at a vendor table in Daytona Beach around November 2013. When I reached one particular part of the book, I had to put it down because it made me think about what I went through during the course of my abuse (which is going to be the focus of this blog).
Yvette had this to say about child sexual abuse in her book of the same title (bold is my emphasis): Child sexual abuse – is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child’s genitals (except in certain non-sexual contexts such as a medical exam), viewing of the child’s genitalia for the purpose of sexual gratification, or using a child to produce child pornography.
I’ll be honest; it took me a long time to write this blog (because of fear, and having the stomach to do this). I wanted to type this blog roughly since the beginning of this year. Yvette went further to say that sexual abuse comes in many forms: molestation, rape, incest, pornography (this includes forcing one to watch sexual acts), sodomy & indecent exposure.
Now many of you know of my story (or have read Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid), but here’s something I share with very few people. I’m going to say it in such a way where it’s not directly in your face, but you’ll be able to get the point. When I was abused by two relatives (within my extended family) between August 1984 and July 1985 I would be exposed to pornography a month later. Now I wasn’t forced to watch it, but let’s understand how this all plays out. The two relatives who abused me were both 2 years older than me (and I was only 10/11 years old). My late father used to watch pornography, but he would always have the door closed (and I was always a child who tried to do the right thing – so I knew this was something I was not to watch). When the male relative (who was 13 at the time) was watching pornography, I was thinking to myself, “If he’s not allowed to watch it and he is, then I should have a right to.” So, he allowed me to watch for a brief moment with him. What I saw on the screen was no different than what my female relative did to me (I’m not bashing her by any means when I say that). But my thought on that was this, “been there, done that,” and initially thought nothing about it at that moment.
I would be so wrong with that thought because it would affect me for years down the road. So for Yvette to write that exposing pornography to a child is sexual abuse, it hit home really hard (in fact, I almost broke down and cried – part of me is trying not to cry now as I type this).
So why am I saying all of this: because when a child has been sexually abused, there are probably numerous layers that one has to peel in order to be fully healed. I encourage you to stay in the fight for your healing and peeling layers will be tough in some areas. Like I just said, peeling that layer off of me was tough. I hope this will help someone in the healing process.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
Last year, I was privileged to meet a fellow author & survivor Yvette Tatum. She wrote a book entitled I Didn’t Know: Identifying, Confronting & Overcoming Child Sexual Abuse (a recommended read). I read it while I was sitting at a vendor table in Daytona Beach around November 2013. When I reached one particular part of the book, I had to put it down because it made me think about what I went through during the course of my abuse (which is going to be the focus of this blog).
Yvette had this to say about child sexual abuse in her book of the same title (bold is my emphasis): Child sexual abuse – is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent uses a child for sexual stimulation. Forms of child sexual abuse include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child’s genitals (except in certain non-sexual contexts such as a medical exam), viewing of the child’s genitalia for the purpose of sexual gratification, or using a child to produce child pornography.
I’ll be honest; it took me a long time to write this blog (because of fear, and having the stomach to do this). I wanted to type this blog roughly since the beginning of this year. Yvette went further to say that sexual abuse comes in many forms: molestation, rape, incest, pornography (this includes forcing one to watch sexual acts), sodomy & indecent exposure.
Now many of you know of my story (or have read Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid), but here’s something I share with very few people. I’m going to say it in such a way where it’s not directly in your face, but you’ll be able to get the point. When I was abused by two relatives (within my extended family) between August 1984 and July 1985 I would be exposed to pornography a month later. Now I wasn’t forced to watch it, but let’s understand how this all plays out. The two relatives who abused me were both 2 years older than me (and I was only 10/11 years old). My late father used to watch pornography, but he would always have the door closed (and I was always a child who tried to do the right thing – so I knew this was something I was not to watch). When the male relative (who was 13 at the time) was watching pornography, I was thinking to myself, “If he’s not allowed to watch it and he is, then I should have a right to.” So, he allowed me to watch for a brief moment with him. What I saw on the screen was no different than what my female relative did to me (I’m not bashing her by any means when I say that). But my thought on that was this, “been there, done that,” and initially thought nothing about it at that moment.
I would be so wrong with that thought because it would affect me for years down the road. So for Yvette to write that exposing pornography to a child is sexual abuse, it hit home really hard (in fact, I almost broke down and cried – part of me is trying not to cry now as I type this).
So why am I saying all of this: because when a child has been sexually abused, there are probably numerous layers that one has to peel in order to be fully healed. I encourage you to stay in the fight for your healing and peeling layers will be tough in some areas. Like I just said, peeling that layer off of me was tough. I hope this will help someone in the healing process.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
September 30, 2014
The Autistic Life (Part 2 of 2)
Makasha, using my childhood as an example, what can parents do considering there are some parents who know their children are special needs, but instead, they discipline their children (smacking their face, spanking them for every small thing they do wrong, though it's due to the disability), thinking the discipline will bring children to obedience? Parents can only rear their children based on what they know and accept about them. In other words, if you know your child has cancer you will likely pursue medical attention. The same should be done when your child is diagnosed with a mental illness or learning disorder. You have to get the proper team in place to help your child. One of the immediate things my son’s team worked on was helping me to decipher when his disability was causing him to be disobedient. Children with social disabilities should not be treated differently. It will cause problem in the home with the other children. Since every child is different, discipline should be customized to meet the child’s social, age and developmental levels while reinforcing the values you’re trying to instill. You can read my take on this here.http://makashadorsey.com/2014/04/d-is-for-disability-versus-disobedient/ Why doesn't insurance pay for this (and why the school system calls these kids problem children)? We’ve had the benefit of good insurance so I don’t know a lot about why insurance does not pay. In many cases, insurance don’t pay for care because the bill coding from doctor’s offices are inaccurate. In addition, some practitioners offer vague diagnosis which will also prevent payment. Both autism and Asperger’s are covered by most insurance companies. However, certain treatments are not. Therefore, your medical provider should work with you on finding treatment options that are covered by your plan or work with you to help get an exception approved so that your insurance company will pay. The school system is an entirely different scenario. As it is, the public school system was not created to be able to accommodate children with disabilities. For many years, children with disabilities were either sent to mental institutions—both private and public—or kept locked away from family and friends. In actuality, some people thought these children and adults were possessed by demonic forces. Thank God for modern medicine. Since the school system was not created to accommodate children with disabilities, they’ve had to play catch up in this arena. I’ve never heard school officials refer to children on the spectrum as problem children. However, I have seen schools not equipped to meet a child’s needs and it creates a problem for the school, the parent and the child. Most counties have school choice programs for children with Individualized Education Plans (IEPs). If the school does not have support, try another one that does. As parents we have to shoulder the bulk of the responsibility is ours when it comes to educating our children. If you have to wake up thirty minutes earlier to get your child to another school, do it. If you have to downsize your home/lifestyle to home school a child who cannot matriculate in the classroom due to violent outburst, social anxiety or the such, do it. Too much responsibility is put on the public school system. Your child is your responsibility. Find a common ground or another ground to educate your child. There are options and sometimes you have to pay for them. I would like to thank Makasha for chiming in on this. One thing she said when she was talking about the facts: Autism is oftentimes diagnosed along with OCD. I would take that a step further and say that if a child who's autistic (or "special needs") is being bullied (via physical, sexual abuse, etc.), PTSD will be discovered. That was the case with me (I was diagnosed with that in 2008).
I mentioned a little bit of discrimination in Part 1, let me pick it back up from there. A lot of people (including me) that I went to school with didn't know I was autistic. But I knew deep inside that I was different. So, I was an easy target in school (and part of my adult life) for being used and picked on. Many people discriminate against children & adults with "special needs" due to ignorance or to just being mean. I fully understand that the world is all about "self" and stepping on people to better themselves.
I'd like to take a moment and share with you with what goes on in an autistic mind (using myself as an example). Many people will be able to identify and some may not, and that's ok. With me, a thousand thoughts flood my mind (and it's been like that since I was in pre-school). In fact, the things that stick out to me the most are as follows:1. Music, songs & when it was released (if you know me, I'm very good with dates and I can more & likely tell you what was going on in my life when I hear certain songs, the year it came out, what grade I was in, and who wrote/produced the song).2. Books I read. If you're not careful, you might find me reciting a children's book called Make Way for Ducklings (from beginning to end). 3. Movie clips. I can tell you my favorite line from movies I watch.
I just mentioned a thousand thoughts, it's like that even as I'm typing this blog. Feelings of happiness, sadness & feeling like I'm going to forget to put something in this blogpost (smile). While I'm talking about the mental state, let me say this: for me, it's a struggle shutting my mind off at times. In fact, I've ran across a few blogs over the weekend that confirm that when we are in a quiet space, the mind picks up everything to think on (some good and some bad). What helps me is listening to classical at times & maybe some quiet worship to relax my mind. Reading helps (but it depends on what it is - sometimes what you read can appear in a dream or in your thoughts later when you really don't want to think about it).
Now let's talk about my life with Aspergers. But first, let me give you a statistic:1 out of 5 autistic children are physically abused & 1 out of 6 autistic children are sexually abused.
I mentioned earlier when I posed a question to Makasha, that I was hit in the face quite often growing up (whether it was my parents or my uncle - same one who abused me). I can truly say, it made me rebellious and angry to some extent. But what I really want to focus on is this (and I'm going to fight tears saying this): in my life, I could do 5 things, but the one thing I would do wrong would be held against me for as long as I live. It would replay in my mind, or my parents would glorify my wrongs (people in social life would want to throw stones at me). Because I've been in trouble too many times, I am the type of person who seeks to make amends. Most of the time it's a dead end. Many of you who know me know that I apologize way too much. It's the conscience within me always doing something wrong, unintentionally hurting people that I so deeply love & respect. Like I said, my wrongs have been glorified growing up, so it's only natural to feel that way. In fact, it hurts more when I don't know that I hurt someone (or they just stop talking to me). Having been rejected as a result of my "special needs" state and abuse, I am thankful that I found stability in my faith. But at the same time, no man is on Gilligan's Island alone.
What troubles me so much is when a person is suffering, they receive a finger pointed at them, but when the person pointing a finger is going through, the world must stop for them. It's been said to "seek first to understand." I guess it's easier said than done. I know many of us with "special needs" want to be understood, but we have been conditioned to understand others first. That can explain why we are very caring people and others tend to scoff at us and treat us like CRAP! And that's what society does at times, look at us as troubled children or even a liability to the health care system.
One thing that stands out to me is an incident that happened at home. My uncle came to live with us and I foolishly believed him when he said that he taught The Commodores how to write songs. My mother was taking a college class and she told her classmates this. When she told me she did that (I was about 11), I felt so humiliated.
And this now leads into the next area I want to move to.
Aspergers & DepressionI can definitely speak on this first-hand. I don't like to see people hurt, but rejection for me is like taking my very life. In fact, my mind is happy about life and then when I feel rejected, my mind wants to escape life (this can even occur when I'm speaking or at a release party for my own book). There are some things in my own life, I can't even explain. This morning, I ran across this link (and I ask that you check this out as you read this blog):http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2011/10/dealing-with-depression-55-tips-for.html?m=1
As I was reading, I started crying because I see myself in many of them (especially #3).
As I wind this blog down, let me say this: Suicide among kids with autism due to being bullied, and being sexually abused is increasing as the days progress. According to http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/8... 66%of adults with Aspergers have suicide ideation. Among adults with Aspergers, those with depression are 4x more likely to experience suicide thoughts.
So why am I saying this? People with "special needs" need love, care & protection. They need stability, and a feeling that they're not rejected. Many times, they feel that society has rejected them. In fact, I have found that those who are "special needs" (to include those with AD/HD), are very gifted in the creative arts.
Now, that I'm drained, you all be blessed today. I will more & likely pray & cry myself to sleep tonight.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
I mentioned a little bit of discrimination in Part 1, let me pick it back up from there. A lot of people (including me) that I went to school with didn't know I was autistic. But I knew deep inside that I was different. So, I was an easy target in school (and part of my adult life) for being used and picked on. Many people discriminate against children & adults with "special needs" due to ignorance or to just being mean. I fully understand that the world is all about "self" and stepping on people to better themselves.
I'd like to take a moment and share with you with what goes on in an autistic mind (using myself as an example). Many people will be able to identify and some may not, and that's ok. With me, a thousand thoughts flood my mind (and it's been like that since I was in pre-school). In fact, the things that stick out to me the most are as follows:1. Music, songs & when it was released (if you know me, I'm very good with dates and I can more & likely tell you what was going on in my life when I hear certain songs, the year it came out, what grade I was in, and who wrote/produced the song).2. Books I read. If you're not careful, you might find me reciting a children's book called Make Way for Ducklings (from beginning to end). 3. Movie clips. I can tell you my favorite line from movies I watch.
I just mentioned a thousand thoughts, it's like that even as I'm typing this blog. Feelings of happiness, sadness & feeling like I'm going to forget to put something in this blogpost (smile). While I'm talking about the mental state, let me say this: for me, it's a struggle shutting my mind off at times. In fact, I've ran across a few blogs over the weekend that confirm that when we are in a quiet space, the mind picks up everything to think on (some good and some bad). What helps me is listening to classical at times & maybe some quiet worship to relax my mind. Reading helps (but it depends on what it is - sometimes what you read can appear in a dream or in your thoughts later when you really don't want to think about it).
Now let's talk about my life with Aspergers. But first, let me give you a statistic:1 out of 5 autistic children are physically abused & 1 out of 6 autistic children are sexually abused.
I mentioned earlier when I posed a question to Makasha, that I was hit in the face quite often growing up (whether it was my parents or my uncle - same one who abused me). I can truly say, it made me rebellious and angry to some extent. But what I really want to focus on is this (and I'm going to fight tears saying this): in my life, I could do 5 things, but the one thing I would do wrong would be held against me for as long as I live. It would replay in my mind, or my parents would glorify my wrongs (people in social life would want to throw stones at me). Because I've been in trouble too many times, I am the type of person who seeks to make amends. Most of the time it's a dead end. Many of you who know me know that I apologize way too much. It's the conscience within me always doing something wrong, unintentionally hurting people that I so deeply love & respect. Like I said, my wrongs have been glorified growing up, so it's only natural to feel that way. In fact, it hurts more when I don't know that I hurt someone (or they just stop talking to me). Having been rejected as a result of my "special needs" state and abuse, I am thankful that I found stability in my faith. But at the same time, no man is on Gilligan's Island alone.
What troubles me so much is when a person is suffering, they receive a finger pointed at them, but when the person pointing a finger is going through, the world must stop for them. It's been said to "seek first to understand." I guess it's easier said than done. I know many of us with "special needs" want to be understood, but we have been conditioned to understand others first. That can explain why we are very caring people and others tend to scoff at us and treat us like CRAP! And that's what society does at times, look at us as troubled children or even a liability to the health care system.
One thing that stands out to me is an incident that happened at home. My uncle came to live with us and I foolishly believed him when he said that he taught The Commodores how to write songs. My mother was taking a college class and she told her classmates this. When she told me she did that (I was about 11), I felt so humiliated.
And this now leads into the next area I want to move to.
Aspergers & DepressionI can definitely speak on this first-hand. I don't like to see people hurt, but rejection for me is like taking my very life. In fact, my mind is happy about life and then when I feel rejected, my mind wants to escape life (this can even occur when I'm speaking or at a release party for my own book). There are some things in my own life, I can't even explain. This morning, I ran across this link (and I ask that you check this out as you read this blog):http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2011/10/dealing-with-depression-55-tips-for.html?m=1
As I was reading, I started crying because I see myself in many of them (especially #3).
As I wind this blog down, let me say this: Suicide among kids with autism due to being bullied, and being sexually abused is increasing as the days progress. According to http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/8... 66%of adults with Aspergers have suicide ideation. Among adults with Aspergers, those with depression are 4x more likely to experience suicide thoughts.
So why am I saying this? People with "special needs" need love, care & protection. They need stability, and a feeling that they're not rejected. Many times, they feel that society has rejected them. In fact, I have found that those who are "special needs" (to include those with AD/HD), are very gifted in the creative arts.
Now, that I'm drained, you all be blessed today. I will more & likely pray & cry myself to sleep tonight.
Blessings:
The Mayne Man
The Autistic Life (Part 1 of 2)
This is a blog I wanted to write 2 weeks ago, and I'll be honest, I really don't want to type this because this is painful to me in certain areas, but I know this blog isn't just for me. So I ask that you bear with me & stay with this through both parts. My heart has been heavy since this morning & I have had some moments where I have cried. With that said, I have to break this up into two parts because so much needs to be said (and I believe this will touch someone).
When I first heard the word Autism, it was around 2008 when celebrities such as Jenny McCarthy & Toni Braxton were sounding the alarm (am praise God for that). I initially didn't think anything about it until CNN did a documentary on it. When I was observing the children's behavior (they had to be around 5 years old), I said to a friend of mine (who was sitting with me at a coffee shop as we were studying for the CPA exam), I can't laugh at that because that reflects my behavior on school. I asked my family if I was tested for autism and I received an emphatic NO, and you don't have it. Within my spirit, I knew it was a lie.
Fast forward to 2011, when I was writing the dedication page to DDBS, I dedicated the book to those who have been diagnosed with AD/HD and/or to those who have any shade of Autism. For the benefit of those who don't know what DDBS stands for, it stands for my novel In my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid: Michael Anderson's Fight For Life. In this story, Michael is a child living with Aspergers. As a result of this disability, he endures bullying at home and at school, he's abused, placed on Ritalin and ends up taking his own life. If you notice as you read this blog, that sums up my life (minus the suicide). I didn't understand why I was making that dedication, but now I do and I'll explain.
Near the end of 2013, I was looking at my psychological evaluations (when I was in pre-school & kindergarten) and I noticed a common trend: the word "echolalia" appeared and that my social skills & speech was impaired. Eye contact is also minimal. When it all adds up, it's Aspergers (which I suspected that I have back in 2011). It's on the autism spectrum, but it's not severe. I was clinically diagnosed that March of this year and I was relieved.
I know life is hard for a child living with Autism (and for parents raising children with Autism). I am going to include Aspergers when I speak of Autism for this blog.
As I continue this blogpost, I will ask fellow author Makasha Dorsey to share her thoughts on this (as she has a son with Aspergers & a short story in The Motherhood Diaries about life as an Aspie Mom).
Let me give you some facts about Aspergers Syndrome so you're not completely in the dark. This is from their website: www.autismspeaks.org
Asperger syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) considered to be on the “high functioning” end of the spectrum. Affected children and adults have difficulty with social interactions and exhibit a restricted range of interests and/or repetitive behaviors. Motor development may be delayed, leading to clumsiness or uncoordinated motor movements. Compared with those affected by other forms of ASD, however, those with Asperger syndrome do not have significant delays or difficulties in language or cognitive development. Some even demonstrate precocious vocabulary – often in a highly specialized field of interest.The following behaviors are often associated with Aspergers syndrome. However, they are seldom all present in any one individual and vary widely in degree:
• limited or inappropriate social interactions• "robotic" or repetitive speech• challenges with nonverbal communication (gestures, facial expression, etc.) coupled with average to above average verbal skills• tendency to discuss self rather than others• inability to understand social/emotional issues or nonliteral phrases• lack of eye contact or reciprocal conversation• obsession with specific, often unusual, topics• one-sided conversations• awkward movements and/or mannerisms
So what was life like for me? I didn't have that many friends, partly due to my lack of social skills. Because I was challenged, I was bullied by certain family members to include physical, sexual & verbal abuse. I was placed on Ritalin and endured bullying in school.
Because I was a special needs child, I felt as if I was beaten into normal (I was disciplined with the rod for things I knew were wrong, but more for the things I didn't know were wrong). In fact, when you look at someone who is autistic (or even someone who has Down syndrome or even Tourette Syndrome), you'll find a lot of their actions are not planned. They're impulsive. Now, I'm not justifying all of the actions I did as a child and an adult, I say that so that those who don't understand what entails in an autistic life.
When a child is a "special needs" child, there's a strong chance that bullying will come from the home front and school life. How do I know, it happened to me. And as I became an adult, I have become more sympathetic to people (and for many, they saw it as a means to take advantage of me). But I know many people living this life will relate to this. Another form of bullying that takes place is discrimination. I think I can capture this from a clip from my novel DDBS (this is the scene where Janice comes up to Michael in school):
Janice comes up to me in full-blown conversation mode: “My man has never gone through anything that you’ve been through. You’ve been neglected, and that’s probably why you get angry at sporadic moments, right?” I said yes. I don’t plan it, and I don’t like it when it happens, because I become very depressed and apologetic. This is partly why I’m in counseling.But I questioned her, “Is this your main reason for dropping me, because I’m not stable? Does my counseling and my cries for help matter?” Janice doesn’t waste any time making it plain. She says even if her parents OK interracial dating or marriage, I have too many issues. She claims to know a lot of people who have problems and that she loves them “equally,” but she’s still trying to “wrap her mind” around the fact that she loves me the JACKED UP friend with a mental disorder.
Before I go any further, I would like to pause from my life for a moment and ask Makasha to chime in on this:
Makasha, can you share some facts on Autism from A Mother’s Perspective? • Autism does not mean unintelligent.• Autism is often diagnosed alongside a mental illness or learning disability—Aspergers Syndrome with Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.• There are children who are on the autism spectrum and then there are neurotypical children—kids society call normal. Who wants to be normal?• Some children on the spectrum present no physical problems such as tip toe walking or clumsiness.• Children on the spectrum need a safe place to be themselves. Why do doctors give up on patients? Fortunately, I’ve never encountered a situation where a doctor has given up on a patient so I wouldn’t be able to answer this question. We’ve lived in 5 states since my son was diagnosed and have had great doctors and support teams each time. As a parent my advice would be to find the right doctor. Your pediatrician might have worked great for your first two children but not so much with the third. Get the third child a new pediatrician who understands your child’s needs. You can’t get milk from a rock. Instead of blaming the doctor for giving up, be proactive about your child’s health. You are your child’s best advocate. The same applies for adults. If you are not getting what you need from a doctor, why stay committed in a relationship that does not work for you? Join support groups where you can network with other people who are struggling with the same disability. They are a resource. Lastly, if you’ve changed doctors for yourself or your child several times because they’ve given up on you do a self evaluation. You are a common denominator. How are you handling your relationships? Are you following the medical advice offered? Are you using the support team recommended? If you don’t follow doctor’s orders then you are culpable as well. I'm going to continue this blog & my questions with Makasha in Part 2.
When I first heard the word Autism, it was around 2008 when celebrities such as Jenny McCarthy & Toni Braxton were sounding the alarm (am praise God for that). I initially didn't think anything about it until CNN did a documentary on it. When I was observing the children's behavior (they had to be around 5 years old), I said to a friend of mine (who was sitting with me at a coffee shop as we were studying for the CPA exam), I can't laugh at that because that reflects my behavior on school. I asked my family if I was tested for autism and I received an emphatic NO, and you don't have it. Within my spirit, I knew it was a lie.
Fast forward to 2011, when I was writing the dedication page to DDBS, I dedicated the book to those who have been diagnosed with AD/HD and/or to those who have any shade of Autism. For the benefit of those who don't know what DDBS stands for, it stands for my novel In my novel Deaf, Dumb, Blind & Stupid: Michael Anderson's Fight For Life. In this story, Michael is a child living with Aspergers. As a result of this disability, he endures bullying at home and at school, he's abused, placed on Ritalin and ends up taking his own life. If you notice as you read this blog, that sums up my life (minus the suicide). I didn't understand why I was making that dedication, but now I do and I'll explain.
Near the end of 2013, I was looking at my psychological evaluations (when I was in pre-school & kindergarten) and I noticed a common trend: the word "echolalia" appeared and that my social skills & speech was impaired. Eye contact is also minimal. When it all adds up, it's Aspergers (which I suspected that I have back in 2011). It's on the autism spectrum, but it's not severe. I was clinically diagnosed that March of this year and I was relieved.
I know life is hard for a child living with Autism (and for parents raising children with Autism). I am going to include Aspergers when I speak of Autism for this blog.
As I continue this blogpost, I will ask fellow author Makasha Dorsey to share her thoughts on this (as she has a son with Aspergers & a short story in The Motherhood Diaries about life as an Aspie Mom).
Let me give you some facts about Aspergers Syndrome so you're not completely in the dark. This is from their website: www.autismspeaks.org
Asperger syndrome is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) considered to be on the “high functioning” end of the spectrum. Affected children and adults have difficulty with social interactions and exhibit a restricted range of interests and/or repetitive behaviors. Motor development may be delayed, leading to clumsiness or uncoordinated motor movements. Compared with those affected by other forms of ASD, however, those with Asperger syndrome do not have significant delays or difficulties in language or cognitive development. Some even demonstrate precocious vocabulary – often in a highly specialized field of interest.The following behaviors are often associated with Aspergers syndrome. However, they are seldom all present in any one individual and vary widely in degree:
• limited or inappropriate social interactions• "robotic" or repetitive speech• challenges with nonverbal communication (gestures, facial expression, etc.) coupled with average to above average verbal skills• tendency to discuss self rather than others• inability to understand social/emotional issues or nonliteral phrases• lack of eye contact or reciprocal conversation• obsession with specific, often unusual, topics• one-sided conversations• awkward movements and/or mannerisms
So what was life like for me? I didn't have that many friends, partly due to my lack of social skills. Because I was challenged, I was bullied by certain family members to include physical, sexual & verbal abuse. I was placed on Ritalin and endured bullying in school.
Because I was a special needs child, I felt as if I was beaten into normal (I was disciplined with the rod for things I knew were wrong, but more for the things I didn't know were wrong). In fact, when you look at someone who is autistic (or even someone who has Down syndrome or even Tourette Syndrome), you'll find a lot of their actions are not planned. They're impulsive. Now, I'm not justifying all of the actions I did as a child and an adult, I say that so that those who don't understand what entails in an autistic life.
When a child is a "special needs" child, there's a strong chance that bullying will come from the home front and school life. How do I know, it happened to me. And as I became an adult, I have become more sympathetic to people (and for many, they saw it as a means to take advantage of me). But I know many people living this life will relate to this. Another form of bullying that takes place is discrimination. I think I can capture this from a clip from my novel DDBS (this is the scene where Janice comes up to Michael in school):
Janice comes up to me in full-blown conversation mode: “My man has never gone through anything that you’ve been through. You’ve been neglected, and that’s probably why you get angry at sporadic moments, right?” I said yes. I don’t plan it, and I don’t like it when it happens, because I become very depressed and apologetic. This is partly why I’m in counseling.But I questioned her, “Is this your main reason for dropping me, because I’m not stable? Does my counseling and my cries for help matter?” Janice doesn’t waste any time making it plain. She says even if her parents OK interracial dating or marriage, I have too many issues. She claims to know a lot of people who have problems and that she loves them “equally,” but she’s still trying to “wrap her mind” around the fact that she loves me the JACKED UP friend with a mental disorder.
Before I go any further, I would like to pause from my life for a moment and ask Makasha to chime in on this:
Makasha, can you share some facts on Autism from A Mother’s Perspective? • Autism does not mean unintelligent.• Autism is often diagnosed alongside a mental illness or learning disability—Aspergers Syndrome with Obsessive Compulsive Behavior.• There are children who are on the autism spectrum and then there are neurotypical children—kids society call normal. Who wants to be normal?• Some children on the spectrum present no physical problems such as tip toe walking or clumsiness.• Children on the spectrum need a safe place to be themselves. Why do doctors give up on patients? Fortunately, I’ve never encountered a situation where a doctor has given up on a patient so I wouldn’t be able to answer this question. We’ve lived in 5 states since my son was diagnosed and have had great doctors and support teams each time. As a parent my advice would be to find the right doctor. Your pediatrician might have worked great for your first two children but not so much with the third. Get the third child a new pediatrician who understands your child’s needs. You can’t get milk from a rock. Instead of blaming the doctor for giving up, be proactive about your child’s health. You are your child’s best advocate. The same applies for adults. If you are not getting what you need from a doctor, why stay committed in a relationship that does not work for you? Join support groups where you can network with other people who are struggling with the same disability. They are a resource. Lastly, if you’ve changed doctors for yourself or your child several times because they’ve given up on you do a self evaluation. You are a common denominator. How are you handling your relationships? Are you following the medical advice offered? Are you using the support team recommended? If you don’t follow doctor’s orders then you are culpable as well. I'm going to continue this blog & my questions with Makasha in Part 2.
