Tremayne Moore's Blog, page 2

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 18: Battle Wounds)

As I’m preparing to head to Cali today, I keep hearing my spirit Battle Wounds. There are so many of you who have been through so many battle wounds (whether it be battles with the devil, or bad choices in which the devil would take advantage). Regardless of the situation, I want you know that you can be made whole. And if there is any message I want you to gain from this blogpost, it would be this: your life is worth fighting for (not only is there someone in your circle fighting for you, your life and your dreams, but God is fighting for you, your life and your dreams and He wants you to win).
Take a moment to look at where you are right now: are you in a situation to where you believe you can’t break free (fear of being on your own), you’re trying to find love in all the wrong places, you’re using a situation to gain the upper hand on others, you’ve gone through an abortion, you’ve been raped, you’ve been neglected, you were lied to, you were physically abused, emotionally abused, verbally abused, sexually abused, abandoned by those you say were for you, those who were supposed to protect you. You may have gone through those things, and you just want people to know how much you’ve been through. Many in this life are oblivious to what you’ve been through, and let me say this: God is not the author of what you’ve been through/experienced.
I know you have battle wounds, and if you let God heal them correctly, they will be a testimony of how God not only healed you, but of how faithful He is to restore what you’ve endured. Some of you have been lied to in saying God caused your experiences or He caused your loved one to die (translation: He took your loved one). Let me say something to you: because of the lies you’ve heard (and the experiences you went through), many of you have given up on what you believed and are striving to reach God or gain His blessings on your terms. Basically, you’ve surrendered because you’re constantly looking at the battle wounds of what others, yourself and the devil inflicted on you. God doesn’t see your wounds (and neither do I), He sees you healed and whole. And yes, you can be made whole from the wounds and scars that you’ve endured. Will you be made whole? Don’t put off going after healing His way any longer. Remember, your battle is not flesh and blood; it’s the devil who’s after your very soul (and most importantly, your faith). If can steal your faith, your view of God will not only be distorted, it will cause you to not only quit life (and your dreams), but God too.
In this thing called life, it is a fight. And because there will be tribulations, you will experience wounds. But understand that the only fight you’re supposed to fight in this life is a “faith” fight. He loves you, but circumstances are doing all they can to deter that love He has for you. For some of you, you have fell to procrastination, almost to the point of giving up because the wounds that you’ve endured hurt other parts of your body (heart, mind and parts of your flesh). I know many of you are warriors and wouldn’t allow this battle to get this crazy! But because it did, you’ve lost your sense of peace and are looking everywhere but up for the peace that surpasses all of your understanding.
In summary: He loves you and has an awesome future for you (that your eyes haven’t seen). You have to believe me when I say this. Your life is worth fighting for, and I want you to know my reader, that I’m fighting for you.  Just don’t quit as you experience battle wounds.  If you’re one who quit (or is on the verge of quitting) because the fight is so over the top, call on God’s angels to fight for you (and those who are focused on seeing you win, and not gossip)! If you don’t quit, and acquire a made-up mind, you will win! It’s a fixed fight!
Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 17: Church Hurt)

I made a note in Part 15: Denial that I would address this topic. In fact, this topic has been on my heart for at least 2 years. So let me begin.
Did the church or something that was said that caused you to leave the church hurt you or scarred you? If the answer is yes, then I dedicate this post to you. I want to divide this post into three categories:Quotes that are not Scriptural that can cause doubtNo sympathy from the church when you’re going throughMy own personal experience of church hurt

Let me start with the easy part: quotes or things that are said from church/religious people that are so no scriptural. This will offend those inside the church, and that’s fine.Quote #1: Tragedies are acts of God. You know, when I was young, I remember reading the instructions to the first microwave my family bought. Under the warranty, it said that the warranty was not covered by “acts of God.” I always wondered about that. And throughout 2017, you’ve heard about hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and many people (in and out of the church) call them “acts of God.” In fact, some people will call the deaths of their loved ones, “acts of God.” If Jesus came to give life, how can He be the cause of tragedies? When people call tragedies acts of God (especially in the church), that causes people to blame God when their loved one passes away, blame God for every death that has happened. And some will say at the funeral, God took your loved one. That right there can cause church hurt in people. But it’s all a trap of the enemy.Quote #2: God put this test on you, for He knows how much you can bear. Wait, how can God put cancer on you, cause a death to sweep through your family, etc.? Many will use 1 Corinthians 10:13 to back this quote up. The devil is the one who is bringing tests and trials. Which leads me to Quote #3.Quote #3: Tests and trials come to make you stronger. No! They come to kill you! If this were really the case, we would all be strong by now. Tests and trials come by the devil to take you out. Why is it that when a test or trial comes, people panic? Or they stay right where they are, and they pass away? End result: God is the blame for all of this – therefore, out of the church they go.Quote #4: He may not come when you want Him to. All I’m going to say to this, is Hebrews 13:5 – He will NEVER leave you nor forsake you.Quote #5: Do not pass me by! See my Scriptural passage from Quote #4.
I’ll stop there with the first section.
No sympathy from the church when you’re going through. This is where most of the church hurt comes from. I can truly say during this walk, I’m seeing more and more people so entrenched with their own lives that they can’t take a moment to see what’s going on next door. I’m not saying neglect your own life, but if you were to walk in every church, you’ll find at least one person who is internally bleeding to death with something on them. But because so many are just coming to church to get that word for their life, that blessing for them (and forget everyone else), many are hurt because they didn’t even receive a smile, a hug, a “how are you doing today, how can I pray for you?” This particular category breaks my heart. I know I don’t say much especially when I’m inside the church walls, but I’m very mindful of this outside the church walls. Mainly because I know that I am the church – meaning, that I have to be a light to people when I’m outside the church, not just when I’m inside (to impress people). And don’t even get me started on the hypocritical issue. When people are going through, many will say they are attacked, but blame others for their lack of faith. These are half-truths on both sides. It is true that there is an attack, but where’s the love and support (and not just chastisement – or trying to puff how much Word they know or how strong their faith is over another) – and standing in the gap for them? Blaming others for their lack of faith, a real brother and sister will strengthen them and ensure they are not going at this alone (and granted, their foundation may have been shaky from the start due to being in a unscriptural church, bad childhood upbringing – that’s distorted their view of God and what faith in God looks like). I’m finding within the past week and a half, that we are so oblivious to those around us to the point we care more about things we can’t control (like the president) than we do our own lives or the brother/sister living next door. Part of the blame for this church hurt is leaders using their platform as a political platform over teaching the Word. And when they do teach it, they’re teaching it to fit their opinion, denominational teaching, or just to pacify those listening while they’re still internally bleeding to death. So, because there’s no teaching to the congregation how to love their brother and sister, there will be church hurt (and granted, those who are hurt, need to go to a better church hospital).
And let me discuss the final category, my own experience of church hurt. Six years ago today, I wrote a suicide note (When I Wanted To Die). And I’ll be honest, I was going to a church where many in the congregation could’ve cared less if I lived or died. In fact, it was all about personalities and who was in their specific clique. To have that attitude is not showing love (especially when I was crying for help). Today, that attitude in the world as a whole has increased the more. I still thank God that my salvation was based on God’s Word and not a church. When you place their salvation on a church, or a man and not God, your foundation is off. There is no question about that! Anyway, what I’m saying here is that people will let you down, but don’t equate God to the people in the church. I’m not saying that you excuse their behavior, for we are living in a time where people who say they believe need to put up or shut up! It’s just that simple.
In my blogpost Part 15: Denial, I mentioned when it comes to sexual abuse, we deny it because of the shame that it’s placed on us as well as the pain that was afflicted on us. One of the reasons we deny it is because in church, we’re told to either “get over it,” or “that was all in your head.” That’s really putting a band-aid over it and because the root is never addressed, they’re internally bleeding to death sitting inside the church. When it comes to this topic, many churches aren’t equipped to address it, and in the African-American church, the easy drug for anyone who has been abused or suffered in childhood is denial. I understand that denial was taught for decades and centuries, but times have to change, and we have to address it so we can be free. What good is denial when a trigger occurs and you explode? And for the church to frown on those who have suffered in childhood and not comfort them, build them up by letting them know that God loves them and was not the author of the abuse and answering the question roaming in their mind, “why did this happen?” – we are setting ourselves up for casualties in the church, and many will leave and forsake Christianity because of our response. The root of the pain is the devil! And for us to be so passive with those hurting and brushing them off in the church is to literally side with the devil and his purpose to destroy the one who is already hurt. The devil loves to find people (who say they love God) but not loving God’s Word to hurt others. We as the body of Christ have to do better!!
Bonus category that I need to discuss: legalism. This is the biggest area where church hurt comes from. Legalism is all about the rules and regulations to prove your salvation. Now if your foundation was based on legalism, it would not come as a surprise if you have left the church (or you are bound with working as hard as you can to please God. Know that your works don’t please God; it’s your faith and knowing that you are His. Your past is just that in His eyes, let it go.). Legalism will tell you that you have to work on being righteous, which is false. You were righteous the moment you accept Christ. Now, holiness is something you work on. Many who are legalists will be the ones flaunting their perfection over other people’s face, either to control them or to puff themselves up.  In fact, legalistic people won’t pray for you, but will ask for prayers instead – mainly because they want to see you fail because it gives them a reason to act arrogant towards you. If you were hurt by the church due to you being at a church that taught legalism, or you were around people who are too legalist for their own good, I sympathize with you, and you need to be healed and made whole from this (and anything else I mentioned above).
Just know that you can be made whole from church hurt.
Blessings,
The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 16: Bad Men)

Between the blogpost that was released Friday (Part 14:Distorted View of God) and a conversation that I had with some men as we’re reading Dr. Tony Evans’ Kingdom Man yesterday, I’ve been thinking about this issue intensely.
Yes, I’m fully aware of the stereotype of that once you run across a bad man, everyone else is bad as well. In other words, one bad apple spoils the whole batch. Now, is that true or is that false? You have your thoughts on the answer. I’ll answer it and say it’s false. Just because you got one bad apple, doesn’t mean you have to throw the remaining apples out.
As I stated in my blogpost from Friday, my heart goes out to you if you went through life without a father (especially if you’re a woman), but now for this blogpost, I want to extend it by saying that if you ran across a bad man in your life (I don’t care if the man was a biological father, stepfather, adopted father, uncle, grandfather, teacher, coach, or pastor) or if you happened to be in an environment where your father was missing, absent, emotionally unavailable, abusive/controlling or just a tyrant, my heart goes out to you and this blogpost is dedicated to you.
Even though earlier, I was talking about apples, the same principle holds true as it relates to God. Even as a man, I can testify to this (where I placed my view of God as to my relation to my parents). How many of you have (or are currently) seen God based on your current relationship to your parents (or lack of relationship with your father/male figure)? If I could see through your mind and heart, it’s not a pretty picture, I know. You may be crying as you’re reading this, and I say let the tears flow. I can imagine that you’ve been holding the tears for so long, and are feeling like no one cares about the internal pain you’re going through. If no other human being cares, know that I do.
You can be made whole from Bad Men, and you don’t have to live in bondage because of what someone did to you, or didn’t give you the nurturing that you deserved in childhood. Men, let me say something to you: if you didn’t grow up with a father (or had to endure a man based on what I talked about above), you don’t have to live in bondage to where you are abusive to others. You can be made whole too.
To all reading this, please separate God from how a human being treated you. Don’t think that you deserved the pain you’ve endured. You can let it go. I heard Real Talk Kim say this (still on the topic of Bad Men): because you were ill treated and not protected, you are now protecting people that didn’t even protect you. I see men doing this more than women, but it can happen on both sides.
How many of you are willing to go to the mirror and make this declaration? I am not my past, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not what my parents said that I was (especially if it was negative), I am not the abuse, I am not what a bad man said and did to me. God loves me despite what that bad man did to me. I no longer live my life in anger and shame! I declare that I’m healed from the pain that the bad man did to me (if you have to cry after saying it), do it! I’m free from what religious people say to me, because what’s important to me is what you, God, say who I am. And I accept what and who You say I am. I no longer have to prove to others of my identity, because You God have given me my identity! Thank You Jesus! I surrender all the myths, and false truths that I had of You. You are not like man, and I surrender every feeling that I feel that is keeping me in a cycle of hurt! No bad man has that much power over me to where I am stuck in this situation in my life. I forgive me, and I ask that You forgive me. Amen!
You can be made whole from the bad men in your life! Do you believe it? If yes, walk in it (by faith, if you have to).
Blessings.

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 15: Denial)

I hope everyone enjoyed his or her fabulous Thanksgiving. When it comes to this particular blogpost, I know, I know, I’m rather late; I initially started writing this blogpost back in April of this year, but a lot has transpired this year for me, so I cease from procrastinating and finish this much needed blogpost. I don’t know about you, but this year has been a year of change for me. As I think about this year as a whole, there are many people (whether they will admit it or not) living in denial. Have you ever looked at someone and see the beauty of someone, but if you look into their eyes and sometimes listen to their words, you can see and/or hear the pain that they’re trying so hard to keep inside. They know they need to alter their mindset, or make a change on the inside, but they refuse to (and end up doing the same things over and over again expecting different results). Now that’s just one area. Let’s take this up a notch.
As you can see, this blogpost is dealing with the mask of denial. Where we know something is wrong, but we just don’t want to deal with it because it’s too messy, or it’s a matter of “I’ve got this under control,” when the truth is, you don’t! That’s denial. Have you ever been in a relationship when a man who was totally at fault, stepping out of the relationship, cheating, lying to you, and your healing process consists of you attacking them in the following manner, “Where were you? See, this is why I don’t trust you. You don’t respond to my texts when I text you? What! You don’t love me? Your words say one thing, but I just don’t trust you! I called your job, and they told me that you weren’t there. In fact, your friends told me that you skipped work! Give me your passwords to your social media accounts and your phone! Let me see who you’re texting?” And the other person says, “Where’s my privacy? You don’t trust me?” Would you say this is a case of jealousy or trust issues? I’ve never been in this situation before that I just type (thankfully), but I know these situations do happen in real life and on the TV screen. If I were to analyze this, there are issues that both parties have to address. The one doing the attacking is possibly struggling with trust and lack of it that he/she received during the course of their upbringing. The one who was asking, “Where’s my privacy?” actually provided no trust in the relationship for whatever reason. The last thing anyone should do is to not address it only to go through the same thing over and over expecting different results in a different relationship. For the one doing the accusing, it would appear that their heart is troubled (and Jesus said to let not our heart be troubled); for the one accused, there’s some hurt within too where they’re not standing up for themselves. So, because they don’t address the hurt, they’re in essence denying the hurt inside. Dealing with hurts inside requires one to own their process. This is how effective change takes place. This is something I’m working through in my life as I look at some areas where I am damaged, fearful, and feeling bound in certain areas. I have to own my process, and stop denying or procrastinate in making a change about it.
But let’s take the above paragraph another level. Sometimes the person doing the accusing may do this and there was never a violation in the first place. In other words, the accused is actually innocent, but the accuser is so used to being betrayed in the past (from the past – whether it be bad relationships, or upbringing), that now, they’re playing the doctor/nurse and just want to operate on something that doesn’t need surgery at all. So this could possibly be denial of what they’re experiencing in their mind and heart. The way this denial is expressed is very extreme. If you really look closely at the situation, the accuser just wants to be safe and secure. If you deny being truly safe and secure (and you just isolate yourself without God’s Word in your spirit), you can never be whole from this feeling that’s within you.
Think about this, have you ever said, “Are you feeling me?” only to just share your thoughts and describing your feelings. Feeling really requires one word, such as “I feel abandoned. I feel hurt.” Those are examples. When you do that, it actually helps you get in touch with what you are going through. This requires your thoughts to be separated from what you feel. Are you willing to understand your process? When there’s pain inflicted on someone, that pain is felt by the person who’s hurt and the response from the person who they hurt that now the person who did wrong has to bear. The key here is to stop denying the pain you really feel – regardless if it’s someone who’s currently in your life, or someone who’s no longer in your life. Let it go and let God create in you a clean heart. If your heart isn’t clean, the devil will allow you to stay in that hurt, and your heart will continue to bleed and will never heal. This is why I am always conscious of what I say and do to others, because I know that my wrongs don’t affect others, they affect me too. Staying in denial doesn’t hurt just you; it hurts others who are around you. For many, they’ll stay in denial because of the fear of the unknown. You’re not mean to go through this alone, that’s why Jesus said to take His yoke because it’s easy and His burden is light. Your body isn’t built to carry burdens. Carrying them just to have someone to carry is really pride (which the devil thrives on).
Did you know that faultfinding is a form of denial? What am I talking about, you might ask. This is where you strive to seek the bad/wrong in every person you are entering a relationship with, and the problems with the relationship are on them and not you. You use faultfinding as a weapon as needed so that you can take the nearest exit out of the door. A lot of this faultfinding is hinged on something you’ve experienced in your life. Would you agree or disagree? Think about this one. I know it hurts, but this could actually hinge on self-sabotage (mentioned in Part 12: Restoration of “Self”). If you have ever justified your denial, you will probably relate to this part right here. If I deny the pain that I experienced in my abuse (like I did during my teen years) and justify it, then I’m really wearing the mask of “everything is fine,” when the truth is, I’m broken, battered and beaten. Sadly, society and some churches want you to have the mask on and stay in denial (without helping you cope with the pain that you have to take to bed with you every night). Denying my abuse and justifying it looks like this, “if you have protected me, then I wouldn’t hate you as much as I do now!” In a relationship, it will look like this, “I am single because the last man I had punched me in the face, talked down to me, cheated on me, wanted to have a threesome, etc.).” If someone violated your trust, you can easily project that on people who didn’t harm you and justify your reason for being extremely jealous. In other words, this justification of your behavior is denying that you have the ultimate responsibility for how you conduct your life – and you’re blaming other people for your actions.” The beauty of God is that He’s not judging you as hard as you are judging yourself. Your behavior is a work, and it’s not the grounds for your salvation. Religion (and the devil) will tell you that your behavior determines your salvation, and that’s a lie! And on that note, don’t deny your true feelings when you’re talking to God, He already knows and He’s not judging you, like man does!
When it comes to sexual abuse, we deny because of the shame that it’s placed on us as well as the pain that was afflicted on us (I will address the root cause of the pain which will be called Church Hurt, so stay tuned). I have met so many people who have denied their pain and I remember having to tell someone, “If you continue to deny your abuse, if a trigger happens and you haven’t dealt with it, you will explode.” Yes, the pain and the hurt you experienced was not your fault, you see the enemy wants you to take on the pain that was inflicted and denial causes you to assume the blame, pain and then you’re on a downward spiral to where it affects you mentally. I’ll be honest; this is something I had to realize. If unresolved pain isn’t resolved, and it’s denied, triggers have a way to cause the pain to be infected. Years ago, I experienced it, and it shook me to the core.
This might be off subject, but it still applies to the denial concept. On a normal scheme of things, if parents are walking with God, the parent loves the child unconditionally – there is nothing the child could do to make the parent stop loving the child. But of course, not every parent walks with God, and the parent puts conditions on the child (if you do this or that, say this or that, that will prove that you love me – otherwise, my love for you is conditionally). When parents walk with God, a child could say I hate their parents, the parents won’t stop loving and/or praying for them. When parents aren’t walking with God and the child says not only do they hate them, or questions why did they allow the abuse to happen to them, the parent will deny and wonder, “what did I do wrong?” and they deny what’s really going on within them. Then everything goes downhill, to include blame shifting (now everyone becomes the source of their own problem). That’s not healthy for anybody, and it’s just pure denial. I pray this paragraphs sets victims of this kind of abuse free (if you had parents who were manipulative – and denying it till the cows come home), and those who are living in pure denial. If you read Part 14: Distorted View of God, when a child is loved conditionally, this love can create a distorted view of God (and when a parent denies or neglects a child, it creates a distorted view of God to the point that their foundation of who God is to them is on shaky, if not stony ground). And when an adult (who is still longing for the approval from the parent, when the parent neglected them) is trying to discover who God is, it’s distorted (which is all a setup by the devil, not God). Refer back to the blogpost from yesterday on this. This paragraph here is really describing denial that indirectly affects you when you weren’t the one who caused it.
So what we have discovered here in this blogpost is that denial can either start with us, or be passed down from generations. Now, the decision has to be made if you want to be free and made whole from the mask of denial.
Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 14: Distorted View of God)

Before I begin this blogpost, some of you, just based on the title may be thinking, “Who does he think he is? My view of God isn’t distorted!” Well, before you discount this blogpost, I want you to understand the perspective I’m about to write from, I promise you it’ll all make sense. I dedicate this blogpost especially to women who have been abused in childhood and/or grew up without a father in the home (or had a father there but was not present emotionally, or enabled the mother to be abusive).
I’ve talked to many women in my lifetime who have shared their story of abuse with me, and I think of one person in particular. I believe her story will show that there are many who are walking around with a distorted view of God. One day, about a month after the passing of my father, a woman posted a suicide note on social media. People ridiculed her and started to become overly spiritual with her, so I sent her an inbox to call me if she happened to get that message. Well, she called me, and proceeded to tell me her story. This woman, at the time, was between her late 20s and early 30s. She shared with me that when she was under the age of six, her father, a minister at a denominational church, molested her and would pass her off to her much older brother (in his late teens). According to her, they told her that she initiated it and wanted it. I had to tell her that there was no way she could initiate anything being so young, and most importantly it was not her fault.
I want to use this story to pull out a few points that clearly define a distorted view of God, and I must say that it’s not the victim’s fault. But the victim can now do something about it, which I will explain as this blogpost progresses.
The first point that I want to make is the fact that her father took advantage of a child who has does not have the capacity to think like an adult. And because he is a minister of the gospel, what does the child think? Her father is like God, and God endorses the ill treatment of His children. That of course is a lie from the pit of hell.
The second point piggybacks off the first point. If the father was never in the home, and if God is a Father, then that would signify that God isn’t there when the child needs Him the most. Thankfully, God is not like a natural father. Humans treat others cruel as a result of sin in the world; God can’t sin because He watches over His Word to perform it.
The third point is that this woman’s father lied to the child saying that she initiated the sex act. Then this will indicate that God can’t be trusted as a result of what the father did the child, if God is supposed to be a Father. And it also gives hints that God endorses abuse. That of course is a lie from the pit of hell. Man lies; God is not a man that He should lie!
If you look at those three points, there are many people who have suffered abuse that could relate to at least one of the three points. Just know that God is not like a natural father.
Let me say this, first and foremost, I’m sorry for any abuse you endured. God does not endorse this type of abuse. It’s recorded in the book of Matthew where Jesus states the following: “Whoever causes one of these little ones (children) who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.” (18:6). Another way of saying this would go (using the Message Bible): “But if you give them (children) a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t. You’d be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck. Doom to the world for giving these God-believing children a hard time! Hard times are inevitable, but you don’t have to make it worse—and it’s doomsday to you if you do.” So, we have here that God does not endorse abuse, and it’s more of a tragedy for a minister of the gospel to abuse a child and/or lie to a child (saying they initiated the abuse, or just manipulating the child). That is pure church abuse (which brings about church hurt). Know that you can heal, but keep in mind that man is fallen, God is not, as He is eternal. Separate the two and know they have to account to God. Keep reading, as I will share on how to get a right view of who God is. If you are an adult, and didn’t grow up with an earthly father, my heart goes out to you. I have more to say on that in just a moment. God does not take advantage of His children. He loves them and nurtures and as you can see from the passage above, He loves children and does not tolerate when adults abuse children. God doesn’t lie to His children because He is the Truth. Man unfortunately will lie to children, and when they do, it skews their perception of God.  So where does this distortion come from? Very simple, the devil! He doesn’t want children to know who God really is. God is so irresistible, that you can’t help but love Him once you understand who He really is. Society and the nuclear family structure is doing all they can to equate God to people, and there is no comparison. I’ll be honest; I thought my view of God was like my parents. Think about it, a child looks up to their parents, and when a parent fails them, their view of the world is negative (granted, mine was on many levels – this is why I go about changing the world the way I do).  Because their view of the world is negative, they’ll equate God like their parents and will be turned off from God.
I want to keep my promise and address those who didn’t grow up with a father (or perhaps the father was home, but was either absent, or was an enabler to a narcissist), you may have what’s called an “orphan spirit.” What’s that? Bishop Joseph Mattera (whom I quoted in Part 7: The Bitter Pill) has this to say about the orphan spirit:
Ever since Adam and Eve were alienated from God the Father in the Garden of Eden, an orphan spirit has permeated the earth, causing untold damage! (By “orphan,” I am referring to a sense of abandonment, loneliness, alienation and isolation.) Almost immediately after the fall in Eden, the fruit of this orphan spirit resulted in jealousy, culminating in Cain murdering his brother Abel because God the Father didn’t receive Cain’s offering. To make matters worse, in contemporary society, with the breakup of the nuclear family, large amounts of people are not only alienated from God but are brought up without the loving care and security of their biological fathers.I believe all of the emotional, physical and spiritual ills of society can be traced to humans feeling alienated from God and their biological fathers.

One blogpost said the following about spiritual orphans (which can cause a distorted view of God):https://cbgrace.wordpress.com/2010/02/24/how-to-pray-for-an-orphan-spirit/
Spiritual orphans are the result of several things.  The Bible indicates that when father’s and children’s hearts are turned from each other, a curse can result.   I am not sure about you, but I think we are there.  One of the great things about God is we can start over.    The church has allowed the attitudes and ideas of the world to infiltrate it.  With divorce and unwed mother rates soaring, western cultures have begun to embrace the idea that fathers as disposable and unnecessary.  Many individuals will live their entire lives without a healthy relationship with their father or a father figure.  Fathers have let down their children; they have abandoned and not pursued their own children.   Another attitude we have seen reflected in the church is that the “younger generation” with all their fiery passion is somehow more valuable than the deeply rooted generations that have gone before them.  When society began shuffling the elderly off to nursing homes, the attitude in our churches changed as well.   Most churches market to younger people.  Meanwhile, our older generation has thrown in the towel.  They no longer want to invest in a generation that devalued them.  Rejection begets rejection.I want to address how to handle the orphan spirit but first we must identify it.Here are some characteristics of the orphan spirit:Unable to put down roots in a church or change churches frequentlyAlways on the look out for something bigger and betterFeeling based faith (if it feels good, feels right, etc then I will follow it).Need recognitionEasily offendedFeelings of abandonment even when one has not been abandonedAttitude of “No one is going to tell me what to do”Attitude of “I know…” (unteachable)Survivalist Mentality always looking out for oneselfNever truly comfortable in the presence of anointed spiritual fatherReject others before they can be rejected

In closing, a friend of mine (Joy Robinson) said this (and I believe this will allow you to be made whole from your distorted view of God): When you have an orphan heart, you have a distorted view of God the Father. A son or daughter can accept correction and discipline because they know they are loved. But an orphan heart has difficulty accepting correction and coming into alignment with God’s plan for their life. Orphans have deep trust issues and consequently they will bail out first in an effort to avoid hurt. But daughters know that they are accepted in the Beloved already. Here are some declarations of being loved that sons and daughters should walk in: Because I am loved by God, I do not fear being unloved by people so I don’t have to do anything to earn love from anyone God nor people I don’t have to keep track of who loves me and who doesn’t.Because I am loved by God, I am not envious of anyone or anything anyone has. I already have the most precious treasure in the world, the love of God.Because I am loved by God I do not have to retaliate against anyone who wrong with me because nothing they can do to me could diminish God’s love for me by a millimeter because I am loved by God I do not have to retaliate against anyone who wrong with me because nothing they can do to me could diminish God’s love for me by a millimeter!Because I am loved by God, I do not have to seek revenge in an attempt to even the score because the balance of God’s love for me was not and cannot be disturbed by anything anyone does.Because I am loved by God, I do not have to hold grudges because note that any person owes me could ever out measure the balance of the love account got hat for me.Because I am loved by God, I do not have to withhold love from anyone because God‘s love for me is not diminished by me loving someone else. My love tank does not go down from loving someone else. I am not in danger of running out of love because God is my source of love, not people.

Blessings,

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 13: The Letter)

Hey Special One,
As you read this, I want to you know that you are beautiful, you are special, and most importantly, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. And for anyone to tell you otherwise, is not telling you the truth, nor is what they say that’s not who you really are the truth. So, let’s shine the light over that lie.
I see the best in you and most importantly, the God that I serve sees the best in you. I don’t know who discounted you or wrote you off during your childhood. Was it your mother, your father, your siblings, your aunts, your uncles, your grandparents, or was it other extended family members to include friends of family? I also don’t know who is currently discounting your true identity or worth right now, is it the man or woman that’s in your life? Is it a co-worker, or a stranger that really doesn’t know who you really are? It may be time to cut those ties, because your associates will either add value to you or devalue you. And I’ll say this, those who discount you, are actually devaluing you.
Whoever told you that you need to be the talk of the town and that you need to just be popular – just to get attention – is lying to you. I know your childhood wasn’t picture perfect, and neither was mine. May I encourage you right now and tell you that you are not your past. You are not what your abuser said that you are. You can be free, healed and whole. I know you have dreams, aspirations and goals. May I say that you may not be mentally ready for some of them just yet? There is a growing process that has to take place, and it starts with being comfortable in your own skin. So, you must ask yourself, do you love you? When you look in the mirror when you’re by yourself, what do you see? Do you see your past, your pain, your shortcomings, or possibly your mistakes? If you do, do you believe that you can learn from them, grow from them so you can eventually declare what was mentioned in the first paragraph that truly is your identity? No man, woman or other human being will ever love you unconditionally than God. And let me say that you don’t have to compete with others for your attention; you are beautiful just as you are. I see the pain when I look at you, and I know that you are doing all you can to masquerade it, but there are consequences if you’re not careful.
Whoever told you that you need to be a certain shape or size just so you can be attractive, is lying to you. Whoever told you that love has to hurt is lying to you. I know you are strong, and I don’t deny it, and when I look at you, I see the pain and the tears that you are holding on to because of the situations you’ve put yourself in. I know you are fearful of the next step in your life. Just know that fear paralyzes, and faith sets you free. You are more than what people say they are and you don’t have to live up to other people’s expectations.  That old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is a lie from the pit of hell!  Words have the power hurt or heal. And you are not the negative words that clearly devalue who you really are. The people who talk down to you are people that are trying to build themselves up at your expense. Let them go, as they will do what they can to destroy you with their words. May I encourage you right now and tell you that you are not your past. You are not what your abuser said that you are. I know you are carrying a weight (not physical weight, I’m talking about weight of fears, hurt, shame, etc.), which is actually a burden, but our human bodies aren’t built to carry that weight. You can be free, healed and whole. I know you have dreams, aspirations and goals. Write down who you really want to be and desire to have in your life. So, you must ask yourself, do you love you? When you look in the mirror when you’re by yourself, what do you see? Do you see your past, your pain, your shortcomings, or possibly your mistakes? If you do, do you believe that you can learn from them, grow from them so you can eventually declare what was mentioned in the first paragraph that truly is your identity? No man, woman or other human being will ever love you unconditionally than God. And let me say that you don’t have to compete with others for your attention; you are beautiful just as you are. Once you divorce yourself from the opinions of others, you enter another dimension.
Just know my special one, you are uniquely gifted, and there is no one like you. Despite what you’re going through physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually, God loves you and He is not punishing you. He has nothing but love for you, and I do too. May His peace surpass all of your understanding, and know that you can be free, healed and whole from everything that you’ve been through in your life. He can give you beauty for the ashes that you’ve accumulated in your life and He can restore your broken self-worth/self-identity if you will let Him.
Blessings,
The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Interlude: If I Could)

Good morning or afternoon, wherever you are in the world. I pray that God's love is touching you and you are walking in that love.
Many of you who have been following my blog for the past 2 years know that I have been on the series "Will You Be Made Whole?" Before I continue on, I want to take a moment and share something on my heart with you.
Back in 1993, there was a song recorded by Regina Belle entitled If I Could (and I believe it was also recorded by jazz legend Nancy Wilson). It's basically saying that I would do such and such to take the place of what you went through.
As I look at my life, I have seen a lot of things and met a lot of people. Of course, life doesn't hand everyone a rose, and because I have a heart that really cares, it can be real easy for me to be either misunderstood. So, if you are reading this, take a moment to locate where you are mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. If you have suffered a lot in your life, I now declare a trigger warning. Please understand I don't mean any harm, I care about your freedom and so does Christ.
So reader, if I could cry the tears you cry because you have been lied to by your significant other, I would and I will. If I could cry for the pain of having to raise your child without help, I would and I will. If I could cry for the lack of support you get from your significant other, I would and I will. If I could cry for the pain you've endured in your relationship, I would and I will. If I could cry for the death of someone you loved or close to you, I would and I will. If I could cry for the ostracizing you've endured in childhood and adulthood, I would and I will. If I could cry for the abuse you endured in childhood, I would and I will. If I could cry for the hole in your heart as a result of your father being absent in your life (or was there but was a silent father), I would and I will. If I could cry for the pain you take on at the hands of your abuser (knuckling down to the devil), I would and I will. If I could cry for the pain you are experiencing as a result of your parents or family abandoning and/or neglecting you, denying your pain, and causing you to be the scapegoat, I would and I will. If I could cry for the lies you were told by a mate, family member, or those who said they loved you, I would and I will. If I could cry for the blockages I'm your mind, heart and spirit due to anything mentioned above, I would and I will. If I could cry for the shame you feel after having been manipulated, I would and I will. If I could cry for the torment you feel as a result of those in church who threw legalism at you to condemn you or puff themselves up over you, I would and I will. If I could cry for the anger you feel from church folk who talk you into staying bound and keep you from expressing true freedom, I would and I will. If I could cry for the view of God that arose as a result of your past, I would and I will. If I could cry for the hurt you feel and the help you haven't received, I would and I will. 
So, what is the underlying message to this post? It's very simple. I cry with you because we are to bear one another's burdens. We are all a part of God's body. And as I speak on burdens, our bodies aren't meant to carry burdens. You can be made whole, and more importantly, Jesus wants you to be whole. I know many of you want it and desire it, but you have to act on that in order for it to be a reality. You can try to rationalize it in your mind, that's not going to get it. The burdens are going to have to come off you as if you were taking off your wet clothes (did I say that). And as you take your wet clothes off, you leave them at the feet of Jesus, never to return from those wet clothes that have kept you bound. Just know that I love you reader, and here's to your freedom in Christ (and please don't let the devil whisper in your ear telling you to hold on to them).
Blessings,
The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 12: Restoration of "Self")

When you think about “self,” is the first thing that comes to mind is the concept of “me, myself, and I.” How many of you believe that for your life, it’s all about “me, myself, and I and forget about everybody else?” Well, that’s what I want to talk about in this post, the concept of “self,” and the restoration of “self.”
There are so many words that can go after the word “self.” What comes to mind are as follows:Self-EsteemSelf-PreservationSelf-ControlSelf-CenteredSelf-ImageSelf-DefeatSelf-JustificationSelf-IdentitySelf-WorthSelf-LoveSelf-MutilateSelf-ServingSelf-HateSelf-Destruction Self-Sabotage
Those are just some words, and there are many more that I didn’t mention. Self isn’t arbitrarily a bad thing, but it can be if you rely on “self” more than you do God to the point of making your “self” an idol. The late Stephen Covey talked about a centered life, and one area was “self-centered.” A self-centered life in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective people consisted of the following:
Self-centeredness is probably the most common center out of the other centers (money, family, spouse, church, work, pleasure, friend/enemy, etc.) and it’s obvious form is “selfishness,” which violates the values of many people. When you are self-centered, you accept and never give (in other words, “what’s in it for me,” “if it feels good.”). Your security is constantly changing, and you view the world by how decisions, events or how circumstances will affect you. In fact, your ability to act is limited to your own resources.
According to Stephen Covey, self-centeredness also breeds self-justification and self-interest. Before I forget, the two types of self that I really want to focus on for this blogpost are “self-worth” and “self-sabotage.”
If you look at Numbers 13, it’s a familiar story; it’s the story of Moses sending spies to survey the land. Ten of the twelve said that they couldn’t do take the land, even though God said it was given to them. Only two heeded the word of God. Now, here’s the interesting part (especially in the last two verses – 32 and 33): So they gave the Israelites a bad report about the land which they had spied out, saying, “The land through which we went, in spying it out, is a land that devours its inhabitants. And all the people that we saw in it are men of great stature. 33 There we saw the Nephilim (the sons of Anak are part of the Nephilim); and we were like grasshoppers in our own sight, and so we were in their sight.”
Did you notice something? Their enemies rarely can detect spies and what the spies did was cause the nation to take their side (with the exception of Joshua and Caleb).  They said, “We were like grasshoppers.” They discounted themselves out and saw themselves a way that their enemies may not have seen them. Have you ever known people (or have you even done it yourself) to discount themselves before others when they probably weren’t thinking that way about them? Using myself as an example, “I may think that a particular woman may not like me because I’m so unusual. So I don’t even introduce myself, when the truth may be that she really likes me.” I missed an opportunity due to self-sabotage because of low self-worth. That’s what the children of Israel did. They sabotaged their own success.
Don’t self-sabotage your self-worth because of somebody else. People will hate you whether you do/say something or whether you don’t do/say something. In short, people will hate you just because. This message here is to not be defeated from the start due to a low self-esteem (self-worth).
May I use a gruesome example: A woman is in a marriage with a man who claimed he loved her but physically and emotionally abuses her. During the course of the marriage, he wants her to worship him, talk to nobody by him, and is extremely jealous of her to the point that she has to look down at the ground whenever they are in the public eye. You can tell right there that this woman’s self-worth is destroyed and possibly her view of God may be skewed as well. When this happens, it’s easy to start self-sabotaging yourself to thinking, “this is what God wants from me, to suffer and stay in the marriage till death do we part.” It’s also easy to start thinking this abnormal life is normal. Even if she gets out, she will do whatever she can to gain control over everything around her (especially her life), and fears any loss of control due to what she experienced. Do I understand the rationale behind it? Yes. Does her life need to be repaired? Absolutely. Will it be difficult for her to go through the process and will she really want to go through the process? It will be difficult, and will do everything possibly in many cases to avoid the process. When this situation happens, it will be easy to mistaken what’s God when it really is self because of the control component. In other words, whatever good happens may sometimes be God, and every bad thing we blame God for it, especially when it doesn’t go the way we want it to go.
So, how do we restore self-worth to stop self-sabotage? It’s a great question, and here are some things to help along the way. If you are someone who believes in God (or even if your view of God is skewed because of traumatic events), your self-worth can actually be improved when you understand God’s principles for what they really are (in other words, read it as if you were a little child – and do what you can to throw away every teaching that was legalistic and condemning). When you become engrossed in His principles, it will improve your self-worth. Let me give you some examples from His Word that confirm who you are:You are a fellow heir to a divine inheritance among the saints (Ephesians 1:18)You are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9)You are crucified with Christ, nevertheless you live, and the life you now live, you live by faith (Galatians 2:20)

Another way to improve your self-worth is to serve others, like mentor a child who’s coming up in this crazy world. So, I close with two questions to consider:What can you do to serve others? When you give, you actually open yourself up to so many blessings to you (please, don’t do this just for the blessings, let it really come from your heart).What are areas in your life where your pride needs to be swallowed (when I say pride, I’m referring to the concept of, “I’m a self-made man; I’m a self-made woman and I got here by myself”)? Of course that’s not true, we all received help at some point. What are some areas where you need to humble yourself? Remember, pride comes before destruction, and before the Lord, we must humble ourselves. He does know what’s best for us, and He’s the only one who can restore your “Self-identity!”

Will you let Him do that? He wants to restore your “self” into what He originally designed for you. He wants to place blessings and not cursing on you (in fact, it’s our “self” that cause them to come, not Him). The enemy wants you to “self-sabotage,” which cause “self-defeat!” Jesus wants to restore the “self-esteem” and “self-worth” that was destroyed by the enemy.
Blessings.

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 11 - The Past)

Well, first and foremost, Happy 2017 (considering this is my first blogpost for the year 2017). I know, I’ve been procrastinating, so I ask for your forgiveness. It’s ironic that I’m posting my first blog for the year on Independence Day – and I pray that this post will allow you to break free from the past.
I was blessed to listen to a Marriage Made EZ from October 2016. It featured my parents and the special guests were the gospel duo Mary Mary and their respective husbands. As I listened, I started to reflect on my past and my journey to being free from the past (and I am free in faith).
A few years back, I did a blogpost entitled P.C.A (Porn, Children & Abuse). If you didn’t read it, I invite you to read this before continuing on with this post.http://mayneman.blogspot.com/2014/10/pca-porn-children-abuse.html
The reason why I did that particular post was to address something that was haunting me, and now I want to explain that post and expand from that post. Now there are some things that you may have gone through in your past, and God may be the only person you need to confess the pain and shame from your past. The reason I am going public with this P.C.A is my desire to help others. I also know that me holding my abuse, pain and the porn that I was exposed to that would affect me for years would create so much shame. And because of the pain of the past, caused some cynicism to creep up in my spirit, which I am getting out to totally shame the devil. And I’ll be honest, I was not only introduced to sex when I was 10/11, to porn when I was 11, and the same uncle would watch porn for the next 3 years that he would either borrow from his friends, or whatever my late father would leave in the house. I would see bits and pieces of it, and I will be honest, when I was in my teens and I would watch it, it was a bit of a love/hate relationship towards it. Part of me enjoyed it, and the other part of me hated it to the core. Interesting, isn’t it?  As I got older, realizing some things in my life caused me to have so much shame for all that I’ve done in my past.
Now, let me say something when it comes to shame (actually, Tina Campbell said this during that seminar, that was so eloquent). Shame and embarrassment should never eat at you, people will say whatever they want – in fact, they don’t even know the pain you’ve experienced. Everybody has issues, so there’s no need to be embarrassed. The devil will do everything he can to get you to hold on to it, because it will keep you down.
Once we bring our inadequacies to Jesus, nobody else needs to validate our deliverance. It’s so sad that we want to boast about other people’s shame over our own. I thank God today for Him saving my life, and for delivering me from the pain that I’ve been holding for 30+ years.
I ask that you don’t go through your past alone. In order for me to attack your past, then I’m leaguing with the devil, I need to attack the root that caused your pain, which is the devil – and by the way, he’s a defeated foe. This is the day to be free and delivered. The beauty of God is that He heals from the inside out, and there are so many who are looking for a cure to heal from the outside in.
And I’ll be honest, and please forgive me. Between sharing that particular blogpost, and this particular post, there is a bit of shame and fear coming out of me (and the main reason why I’m sharing this part of my life is to shame the devil) because of some of you reading this, will see me differently. And this is something I need to be delivered from, the opinions of others (and I am delivered by faith). Not to justify my actions and behaviors because it all starts with my thoughts, the main root is the lack of validation received in childhood and that I mattered.
Before I even attempt to close this blogpost, I want to say something else. My past may have been a little jacked up, whether it be my actions in school, the porn and movies I know I should not have seen at my age, or the partners I had during the course of my abuse. If I weren’t delivered from all of this, it would totally mess up my future, and reflect on every person I was with and the porn I had watched. What I realized is this, the devil was setting me up to fail and cause certain people in my life to abuse me to distract my future and not see God’s blessing when it really comes. Remember I mentioned about cynicism earlier? I could be like, she is not from God when she really is – it’s just my spirit is messed up, and I'm allowing the initial doubt to rob me of my future because of the pain I experienced in my past – fear of being in pain again whether it be physically, mentally or financially. The key here is for me to be free, and this is my declaration of independence from my past! If you desire to be free from your past, declare your independence from your past.
Blessings.

The Mayne Man

Will You Be Made Whole? (Part 10 - The Scapegoat Child)

I was reading a book over the weekend, and the word “scapegoat” stuck out at me. What was revealing was that it said at the end of this particular paragraph, “many people scapegoat, so they don’t look at the goat in the mirror.” Heavy words, but I’ll talk about that more in the end. But for now, I want to talk about the scapegoat child living in an abusive environment.
If you were to look at a narcissistic (abusive) home, the family dynamics typically look like this: one parent is a narcissist, the other parent is an enabler. If children are involved (especially if there’s more than one), one child will be the scapegoat, and the other will be the golden child. I believe the best way to talk about the scapegoat child is first sharing an excerpt from a blogpost I stumbled across as well as share pieces of my life. The name of the blogpost was entitled Why Family Scapegoats Become Lifelong Victims (the entire blogpost can be read here).https://luckyottershaven.com/2015/04/25/why-family-scapegoats-become-lifelong-victims/
If you were scapegoated by your family, two things can happen. You can become a narcissist yourself (narcissism being an elaborate defense mechanism to avoid further hurt and abuse) or you will internalize the early message that you’re worthless, defective and have no rights. I’m going to talk about the second scenario because that’s what this video is about and it’s what happened to me.
As a scapegoat, you are trained to live in fear. You become afraid to defend yourself, express your opinions, or demand fair treatment. This attitude of worthlessness, fear and shame is carried into adult life. Other people can immediately sense you are a pushover and a magnet for abuse, rejection, and bullying, and you become a target for abuse by others well into adult life.
You can become a lifelong victim unless you find a way to break the pattern. It’s difficult to unlearn, because it was established so early in life by the narcissistic parent.
Golden children, who more closely resemble the narcissistic parent or provide them with narcissistic supply (adulation), are more likely than scapegoats to become narcissists themselves. They will often become the aging narcissistic parent’s flying monkeys against the scapegoated adult child, continuing the family pattern of abuse.Scapegoated children are the family shock absorbers. They are the children who have been assigned to absorb and internalize the narcissistic parents’ rage and to mirror back what has been projected onto them.
This is exactly what happened to me. Although because I was an only child I sometimes served the Golden Child role, for the most part I was the scapegoat. My Aspergers and high sensitivity made me even more perfect for that role.
For many years I walked around as if ashamed to be alive. I carried shame with me like a heavy burden that affected the way I spoke, the way I related, the way I thought (all the negative self-talk and self-hate), even the way I moved and carried myself. I embarrassed myself.
As I read that, I thought about my life. Because my uncle, though 2 years older than me and bigger than me, was good at manipulating me because of my psychological condition, I was an automatic scapegoat because I was five years older than my sister. Whenever he did a wrong, I was the blame for it (so I would suffer physical abuse as a result or if he told my parents, or I confessed to something I either did or didn’t do, I faced the infamous belt). Eventually, as I entered my early teens, accepting blame for everything was quite common for me, so I eventually became numb to it all and accepted everything that came my way for the most part. One thing the blogger wrote that stuck out at me was that she said that they are pushovers and magnets for abuse, rejection and bullying. Given that I have Aspergers myself, I will admit that I was naïve to certain things in life, so I endured four types of abuse (physical, sexual, verbal and emotional in the home), rejected by many in school and was bullied my freshman year in high school (because upper classmen knew my uncle and what he did to me, so that definitely made me a target). At home, the thought was that I would never succeed in the world and that I needed to stay home. Eventually, I struggled with life and how I felt about life and myself. The only thing that kept me going was my desire to know Christ even at the age of 17.
I stumbled across another blogpost that inspired this one right here (the one above inspired it also) entitled 12 Steps to Breaking Free from being the Family Scapegoat written by Glynis Sherwood. Because this was so powerful and I see my life in review through this, here’s the blogpost in its entirety.http://glynissherwood.com/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat/
Did you grow up having doubts about your self-esteem or personal worth?  When things went wrong in your family, did you tend to be the fall guy?  Do you find yourself encountering recurring disrespect from friends or colleagues?  Do you feel unsure of yourself and/or have difficulty experiencing trust in relationships?If you answered ‘Yes’ to any of these statements, you may have been scapegoated by your family.  The term ‘scapegoat’ refers to a family member who takes the blame for difficulties in the family. Scapegoating is a form of bullying.  Family relationships profoundly impact our identity and how we view ourselves.
How to Tell if You Have Been Scapegoated:You are held responsible for family problems, conflicts or challenges, even if they have nothing to do with you. Other people blame you for their actions.  You may end up feeling a lot of shame for being ‘the bad guy’, and/or anger for being blamed for negative family dynamics.You are attacked and disbelieved if you tell the truth and ‘blow the whistle’ on negative and/or inappropriate family dynamics.There has been a history of one or more family members being verbally, emotionally or physically abusive towards you.  Other family members seem to accept or look the other way when you are bullied or aggressed against like this.  You may feel like the ‘black sheep’ of the family.You find yourself repeatedly being accused of behavior the scapegoater is engaged in. For example, a family member repeatedly yells at you, and then accuses you of being abusive, or being thoughtful and then told “all you care about is yourself”.You act out the negative ‘expectations’ of scapegoating such as not living up to your potential, or getting into relationships with abusive people because your self esteem is has been damaged.Being the mentally healthiest family member, but being accused of being sick, bad, etc.Occupying the role of family outcast, and being treated with disdain or disgust by family or yourself.Your achievements are belittled, minimized, criticized and rejected.

What’s Going On In Families That Scapegoat
Families that are shame or fear based are not healthy.  Often in these families you will find evidence of abuse, neglect, addiction, betrayal, mental illness and insecurity.  Dysfunctional families either lack insight or find it threatening, and actively repress it through scapegoating those who want to understand and change negative dynamics.  Scapegoating is a “projection defense” that allows scapegoaters to keep up appearances. In other words, by making the scapegoat look bad, it takes attention off the real problem.
Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.
Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat
The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle-blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.
How Scapegoating Impacts the Target
Scapegoats almost universally experience low self-esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a ‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.
Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships – especially intimate relationships – due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.
How To Break Free From Scapegoating
Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective – is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you – your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better – is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footingFigure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self-critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counseling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self – the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.Practice what you preach with others… Break the cycle

Wow! How do I follow up after that? Well, I can start to close down this blogpost and I will do it this way. Glynis mentioned in Step 10 about getting in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance. Now I can’t speak for anyone reading this but during my teen years and having lived life as a scapegoat, there was a rage inside of me and I held a lot of anger, hate and unforgiveness. Those three things came as a result of being the scapegoat child. A lot of hard core rap music at that time intensified the rage especially when I reached the age of 15. And even though I became more spiritual, there was still a root of anger, unforgiveness and pride (that I’m addressing today).  Within the roots of anger, unforgiveness and pride, what would grow as a result was a critical spirit (to the point of judging them harshly), and a fight to be right at all cost. So I couldn’t agree with Glynis more if I tried. These are things I need to practice as I type this. Oh, there’s one more thing that I have to do, and that’s to walk in forgiveness (forgiving others as well as myself).
Can I talk to the faith community (especially in the AA community) for a moment? From generations past, we grew up under the philosophy of “what goes on in the house stays in the house.” This creates an environment to abuse, but also generational curses (full of criticism, negativity towards self and others, denial, and many others). Denial is the drug of choice for many.  In most cases, when someone was abused in past generations, no one will talk about it (shame, fear of retaliation from the molester, protecting the image of the family, accused of lying about it). Because it was never addressed, it was passed down many generations. You might be dealing with it now. You were denied when you wanted to voice your abuse or you were known as a liar because you revealed family secrets, and as a result, you are living with the guilt and shame of others. As mentioned earlier, you end up scapegoating others because it was never addressed in childhood. Earlier, I was talking about the “goat in the mirror.” Let’s talk about that now.  In Biblical times when a trespass (or wrongdoing was done), a scapegoat was needed to take the blame for what the wrongdoer did. An animal was used and was slaughtered (and discarded). That’s what happens to the child who was a scapegoat. If it was never addressed, it carries into adulthood. Now when it comes to getting help in matters like this, we tend to put a spiritual band-aid over it and say, “I’m healed.” Yes, you are in faith, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go to the doctor.  Think about it: your car needs an oil change, you can say, my car has oil all day long, but if you don’t take it to get it changed, you will damage your car! The same holds true for your life. The reason why many don’t want to look at the goat in the mirror is because what you dealt with in your past is ugly. Now, don’t make the mistake in assuming blame for what you didn’t do (like I did and struggle with at times today), that wrong done by others is on them. Take the pain that you did and cast it over to Him and get the help needed (if you believe you need it). It will require the work, but remember that’s a process. Within each process you go through in life (that has a positive outcome), there’s a promise! It’s been said, focus on the promise and not the process.
I mentioned walking in forgiveness a moment ago, but I need to say this especially to the faith community. It’s so important to walk in forgiveness, because good friendships and relationships can be destroyed because of the pain that was never been addressed since childhood (via the drug denial). And I’ll be honest I have destroyed good friendships and relationships during my walk of life due to the pain that was done to my heart and spirit. So, I have had to go back and ask for forgiveness (regardless of how I feel, it’s what the Word says). I’ve heard it said that we use faith for everything in life except for the area forgiving others and self. I am learning that I have to forgive people and myself in faith (because there will be days where seeds of doubt will creep up and say “you haven’t forgiven them, and look at you, you’re still beating yourself up”).  I have to trust God enough with my heart to forgive others and myself. It doesn’t have anything to do with what they did or said (and it’s not giving them a pass); it has everything to do with my relationship with God, spending time in prayer and meditating on His Word. Protecting myself isn’t an issue with others, if I’m vulnerable to His Word; considering if I trust God, my heart is protected and I will be able to forgive people when people will say and do mean things. My friendships and relationships get the overflow based on my relationship with God.
As always, healing is the children’s bread and you can be made whole!
Blessings,

The Mayne Man