Ariane Sherine's Blog, page 9

You are feeling very sleepy

I just read a news story about a woman who lost five stone by listening to a weight loss hypnosis app, so I'm going to try it. I mean, hypnosis can't make you lose weight - you have to diet for that - but the app might lull me into thinking I can do it. Hell, everything else is failing, so I might as well give this a try.

I interviewed my friend Charlie Brooker for my new book Talk Yourself Better, and he explained how he quit smoking with the help of a hypnotist. He genuinely doesn't smoke anymore, and when I met him he was a chainsmoker. So even if I'm a little sceptical about hypnosis, it worked for him.

The app I'm using is called Easy Loss, and it features an American man with an amazingly soothing, soporific voice. I'm actually a bit worried that if I listen to him at work, I'll fall asleep! But at least if I'm sleeping, I won't be eating...

In praise of the Tube

I love the London Underground. In my teens, I used to busk on the Tube. I will never forget being 16 and trying to busk for the very first time. I remember tuning up my violin at the bottom of the escalator at Baker Street, only for an announcement to come over the speakers saying ‘Can the busker at the bottom of the Jubilee Line escalator please note that busking is not permitted on the London Underground!’ I hadn’t even got as far as playing a note.

(Of course, now it’s legal with a licence, so they’ve taken all the fun out of it!)

I loved the Tube so much, I once wrote a song about busking at dusk:

I go underground 
Streaked suns are blazing down
Not a soul or sound
Close, yet so far

I go underground 
Street dreaming all around
Where we can’t be found
We’ll be who we are

I loved the way the Tube would whizz me across the whole of Central London in 20 minutes. It felt like the ultimate in freedom. And for the price of a £4.50 Travelcard, I could go and visit Duran Duran in their studio, taking the Tube from Pinner to South Kensington and then hopping on the 345 bus, gazing at Albert Bridge with its wonderful lights at night. I loved my beautiful city, the city I’d been born in and grown up in.

And then, in 2005, I was suffocated during an attack while pregnant. After that, I experienced extreme claustrophobia in enclosed spaces, and became terrified of the Tube for seven years. I can tell you that, when you live in Zone 2 and work in Zone 1, being unable to take an underground train is a severe handicap. Buses slow you down so much. I kept trying to get back on the Tube, and kept having panic attacks. I still really don’t like it when a train stops in a tunnel.

But I’m typing this to you while underground between Mile End and Bethnal Green, and I’m not hyperventilating. I’m back to feeling proud of my city. My Tube journey in the morning only takes me 14 minutes - enough time to write one of these blogs, people-watch, and feel connected to the world. I can’t imagine ever taking a break from the Tube again.

On This Day

I run a channel at work called On This Day (with Wikipedia). I put a specific date into Wikipedia, then choose an exciting event that happened on that day to document.

I always knew history was white and male, but doing this research has really brought it home to me. Compared to men, women are virtually absent from history, and all our ‘firsts’ (first woman in space, etc) come after men’s.

However, on the upside, the amount of ground we have made up in the past 100 years is astounding - the world is now more equal, more tolerant, safer, more peaceful and more diverse than you could ever have imagined it might be in 1918, when women were only just allowed to vote in the UK.

There’s still a lot of work to do, but if humanity keeps progressing at this rate, the future will be stellar.

First person in the office

I was the first person in the office today, at 8.30 (my official start time is 9.30). There are only around 60 people in our office when it's full, so it wasn't that much of a feat, but it was really nice nonetheless. I like my colleagues a lot, but I also like to get in and have a few minutes to myself, to put away my stuff, make myself a coffee, write a blog post and generally take stock of things.

I've spent most of my adult life freelancing, as if you're a TV scriptwriter or a newspaper columnist you usually work from home. It was great in some ways, having the freedom to go to the gym whenever I wanted or take the afternoon off, but I've realised that I love working in an office - having somewhere to go every weekday gives me a sense of purpose and makes me feel connected to the world.

I also like having colleagues (I guess it helps that mine are both nice and a lot of fun) and the security of regular pay cheques. I still can't quite believe that I get paid for writing stories. Then again, having had an incredibly strict childhood, I'm still quite amazed that I have my own money and can buy whatever I want!

Whatever you're doing, I hope you have a lovely day.

Will I ever get divorced?!

I am beginning to worry that I will never get divorced. My petition has just been posted back to me for the THIRD time, with the reason that 'address of marriage venue does not match that on marriage certificate'.

Basically, I put 'USA' at the end and apparently that is a no no, even though the venue WAS in the USA. Giving too much correct information is bad, it seems!

So, again, I have to print out my corrections, trek down to the post office and pay an £8 special delivery fee for the pleasure of posting it for a FOURTH time. It is such a kerfuffle and a palaver and other words that, ironically, people in the USA don't understand.

Sigh. Moan. Moan. Sigh.

It will all be fine in the end.

Oh, it's such a perfect day

I had such a lovely day today. The sky was perfectly blue, the sun was shining and it was the kind of cool sunny day I love. I took my little girl to her street dance class, which was hilarious:

Teacher: Who are we dancing like today?

Boy 1: Michael Jackson

Teacher: Good

Boy 2: He died because of drugs

Teacher: ...

Teacher: Er, yes. We dance like Michael Jackson, but we don't do anything else like Michael Jackson.

After dance class, we went to the bakery and sat outside in the sun. The seven-year-old had a cookie and I had some green tea.

Then we walked about a mile to the park, where my little girl enjoyed the adventure playground.






We shared an ice cream, then we walked down to the train station and got the train home. Now we're about to have pizza and watch the first Despicable Me film. 
I love spring and summer.

Saturday night’s all right for writing (along with the rest of the week)

Sometimes I feel like a writing machine. I write blogs on the Tube to work (as I’m doing right now); I get to work and write stories; I spend lunchtime writing my novel; I write more work stories in the afternoon; and guess what I do in the evening? Yup, I write the novel again. 

In between it all, I write tweets, Facebook posts and replies to people under these posts, and I also write a weekly email to my Patreon supporters.

And you know what? I love it so much. It’s what I always wanted to do with my life. I can’t quite believe I get paid for putting beautiful words in order!

But I love taking photos and making videos too, so hopefully soon I’ll get to do that for a living as well as writing - which might make me feel less like a writing machine. Because writing all the time is probably a little unhealthy.

Some people have said I can’t change career and diversify, but I think those people would once have said I couldn’t make a living as a writer either. I’m living the dream, but luckily, sleep is the one time when I get a break from the keyboard!

Best friends and welcome strangers

So the loveliest thing has happened: I’m friends with my husband again! Not strained, tense ‘friends’ but actual genuine friends. We’re not getting back together - the divorce is still going ahead - but we are going on holiday together as we’d originally planned earlier this year (with the seven-year-old and another friend) and at last we’re chatting about normal things instead of our imploded marriage.

It’s such a relief to know that 21 years of friendship haven’t come to an end. Though he has been teasing me that Terry White is my new BFF. (Sorry Terry. You can be my second best.)

Speaking of friends: thanks to everyone who connected with me on LinkedIn. So many names I didn’t know! And some I did. Looking at LinkedIn gives me a sense of realisation, like ‘Oh, THIS is why everyone else has a 9-5 and my “day job” life is only just starting!’ Better late than never though - and I love my job so much, I never want to leave.

So yeah: good times, and better times ahead, I think, with so many lovely people in my life. ❤️❤️❤️

Three not-so-bad things about going through a divorce

I've always been a glass half full person, even when the glass is full of sewage. I think it's the one thing that's saved me through all the traumatic stuff I've been through in my life - the ability to bounce back.

People keep saying 'You seem to be handling this divorce well', but looking perturbed, as though I'm going to do a Jim Carrey in Me, Myself and Irene and flip out due to all the suppressed rage! I'm genuinely doing OK, and here's why:

1) Divorce, when it's amicable and no children are involved, is not a terrible thing. As a friend put it, 'A divorce without kids is like a break-up with paperwork'. It's just an acknowledgement that things aren't working in your marriage and are unlikely to ever work again. That's not a disaster - it's closing one door and opening another, letting better future relationships in. I'm genuinely excited about the idea of meeting someone who I spark and relate with better - and also, getting my best friend back in the form of my ex-husband.

2) It's shown me I'm resilient. A cynic might say 'Yes, but you're on three psychotropic drugs', which is true, but the drugs only get me functioning - they don't neutralise the effects of bad events. After my dad died, I had a few weeks of hell where I just slept all the time because I didn't want to be awake. I haven't done that since I split with my ex-husband, and it's reassuring to know that I can handle a big break-up. My lovely boss asked me if I wanted to take some time off work, but I haven't needed to - and I'm glad.

3) It's shown me what I really want to do. My ex-husband is an incredibly skilled and talented man - he can pick up any skill in minutes, quite literally - and so, since I was 16, I've leant on him for favours. I've realised I'd become very dependent on him - for instance, I've always loved taking photos and editing videos, but because he was great at it I just let him do it instead. Now I'm buying a camera and learning Photoshop and Premiere Pro, and am finding following my heart and discovering new passions super-fulfilling.

Don't get me wrong - divorce isn't something I ever wanted. But now it's happening, I'm making the best of it and getting excited about my impending new life.

LinkedIn, and linking out

I’ve just joined LinkedIn properly. I’ve had a profile for ages, but never really used it - only remembered I had it when I got the ‘X-who-you’ve-never-heard-of wants to connect with you’ emails pinging into my inbox.

But now I’ve had a full-time job for almost a year, I thought it might be useful for connecting with people in my company. It’s great for putting faces to names, especially when there are thousands of people I don’t yet know.

The slightly odd thing is having a corporate LinkedIn profile, and then a very personal and confessional blog. I’m hoping that, in the advent of social media, people will understand that employees can multitask and do their jobs perfectly well even when they blog about the end of their marriage, or tweet stuff like this:



Anyhow, feel free to ‘connect’ with me on there, putting a note that you’re a blog reader. It would be lovely to know who’s reading.