Ariane Sherine's Blog, page 7

4 Easy Ways to Turn Rain Into Sunshine

Happiness, I've gradually realised, isn't about everything being perfect all the time - it's about how you react to things being imperfect. "Into each life some rain must fall," sang Ella Fitzgerald - and your sanity depends on whether you find a way to laugh and dance in the rain, or wipe it off your face huffily, cursing about the crappy British weather.

With that in mind, here are 4 ways to construct a psychological umbrella.

1. Being Ill, Broke or Overweight

Most of us have at some stage been one or all of the above. Until recently, I was all three. While they're no fun at all, and no one wants or deserves to be any of these things, they teach us empathy. For instance, I'll never be able to look at a obese person taking up two seats on the bus and think, "How can you let yourself get that fat?", because I know exactly how. When you couple distressing life events with the upsetting emotions that can arise from them, it often feels natural to self-medicate with food. If that doesn't make sense to you, read this.

People who have always been rich and thin with a supportive family and friends, access to great nutrition, the best education and private or available healthcare often can't understand what it's like to be poor, homeless, fat, unemployed or sick. That leads them to look at people on the street, obese people, council estate residents, the unemployed, the mentally ill, and drug addicts with contempt, rather than thinking about how they can best be helped.

And that's sad for the people they're disparaging, but it's also sad for them - because imagine being so heartless, privileged and entitled that you can't empathise with people having a tough time. Having difficult experiences saves you from this - something to remember next time you're in the thick of it.

2. Relationship Break-Ups

Break-ups are the worst, especially when they're unexpected and you were deeply emotionally attached to the person. But before you throw yourself in front of the nearest milk float, remember that you're far from alone: 42% of marriages end in divorce, and I suspect another 42% are struggling along, leaving only 16% that are truly happy.

You know those newspaper reports about serial killers that state, "The suspect was a loner with a string of failed relationships"? Guess what - we all have a string of failed relationships! Virtually no one ties the knot with the first person they go out with. Human beings are difficult, unpredictable and unfathomable, and relationships can be incredibly tough.

Now you have the chance to find someone you're better matched with from among the 5 billion or so adults on Earth. Maybe they won't have all the annoying habits your ex had, and maybe you'll learn from the mistakes you made in your last relationship. And in the meantime: FREEDOM!

3. Your Child Being a Nightmare

My daughter was an absolute delight this past weekend, but she threw a hysterical tantrum at my friend John when he came to collect her on Sunday afternoon: "I hate you and I hope you die! I hope you get thrown in Azkaban and the dementors suck your soul out and you never feel happy again!" (Yes, she's currently into Harry Potter.)

Ordinarily, I'm the target of her intermittent wrath. The plus side to this, aside from being impressed by her creative insults and life never being boring, is that - while I still miss her when she's not with me - I can think of her screaming fits and feel slightly better about not having her living with me all the time. (Full-time parents: maybe you can apply this to any days when you're not with your kids?)

Also, psychologists say that tantrums are a sign that your child feels safe with you. It's much better that they feel able to express their feelings than that they're scared to do so.

4. Horrible Bosses

My current boss is amazing: funny, honest, kind and thoughtful. I'm lucky enough to have great colleagues too. I can recognise this because I've had some pretty awful bosses and colleagues in the past.

There was the girl who sat next to me for a year, coming out with an endless stream of reasons why she hated people in general and her job in particular (which also happened to be my job); the editor who insisted I never left early to catch my train, even though I always arrived way before anyone else and had finished all the work that could be done, forcing me to sit at my desk for half an hour at the end of each day watching my colleagues work; the psychotic team leader who screamed at people for no reason, rushed to the toilet every ten minutes and came back rubbing her nose, and who answered compliments with a deadly serious, "Yes, I am very good at my job."

What can difficult work colleagues teach us about life? Well, firstly, they're a primer on how not to be. I make a massive effort to be cheerful, reasonable and quiet-ish every day, even though I don't always feel like being like that and it can be an effort, because I know how deeply annoying it is when people are negative, unreasonable, loud and self-aggrandising.

(And it's a cast-iron fact that no one in a British office is ever going to take you to task you about your behaviour, unless you run around the department naked screaming swear words. I certainly didn't tell the above people that their behaviour was getting to me!)

Secondly, maybe these terrible colleagues will push you to get a new job with nicer people, a better working atmosphere, a pay rise and a fancier job title - and then you'll appreciate your lovely new colleagues more. That can only be a win.

Lastly, dreadful colleagues teach us resilience, patience, tolerance and people skills. In my case, they also taught me never to do cocaine, and to wear headphones and listen to loud music at work.

4 Ways to Turn Rain Into Sunshine

Happiness, I've gradually realised, isn't about everything being perfect all the time - it's about how you react to things being imperfect. "Into each life some rain must fall," sang Ella Fitzgerald - and your sanity depends on whether you find a way to laugh and dance in the rain, or wipe it off your face huffily, cursing about the crappy British weather.

With that in mind, here are 4 ways to construct a psychological umbrella.

1. Being Ill, Broke or Overweight

Most of us have at some stage been one or all of the above. Until recently, I was all three. While they're no fun at all, and no one wants or deserves to be any of these things, they teach us empathy. For instance, I'll never be able to look at a obese person taking up two seats on the bus and think, "How can you let yourself get that fat?", because I know exactly how. When you couple distressing life events with the upsetting emotions that can arise from them, it often feels natural to self-medicate with food. If that doesn't make sense to you, read this.

People who have always been rich and thin with a supportive family and friends, access to great nutrition, the best education and private or available healthcare often can't understand what it's like to be poor, homeless, fat, unemployed or sick. That leads them to look at people on the street, obese people, council estate residents, the unemployed, the mentally ill, and drug addicts with contempt, rather than thinking about how they can best be helped.

And that's sad for the people they're disparaging, but it's also sad for them - because imagine being so heartless, privileged and entitled that you can't empathise with people having a tough time. Having difficult experiences saves you from this - something to remember next time you're in the thick of it.

2. Relationship Break-Ups

Break-ups are the worst, especially when they're unexpected and you were deeply emotionally attached to the person. But before you throw yourself in front of the nearest milk float, remember that you're far from alone: 42% of marriages end in divorce, and I suspect another 42% are struggling along, leaving only 16% that are truly happy.

You know those newspaper reports about serial killers that state, "The suspect was a loner with a string of failed relationships"? Guess what - we all have a string of failed relationships! Virtually no one ties the knot with the first person they go out with. Human beings are difficult, unpredictable and unfathomable, and relationships can be incredibly tough.

Now you have the chance to find someone you're better matched with from among the 5 billion or so adults on Earth. Maybe they won't have all the annoying habits your ex had, and maybe you'll learn from the mistakes you made in your last relationship. And in the meantime: FREEDOM!

3. Your Child Being a Nightmare

My daughter was an absolute delight this past weekend, but she threw a hysterical tantrum at my friend John when he came to collect her on Sunday afternoon: "I hate you and I hope you die! I hope you get thrown in Azkaban and the dementors suck your soul out and you never feel happy again!" (Yes, she's currently into Harry Potter.)

Ordinarily, I'm the target of her intermittent wrath. The plus side to this, aside from being impressed by her creative insults and life never being boring, is that - while I still miss her when she's not with me - I can think of her screaming fits and feel slightly better about not having her living with me all the time. (Full-time parents: maybe you can apply this to any days when you're not with your kids?)

Also, psychologists say that tantrums are a sign that your child feels safe with you. It's much better that they feel able to express their feelings than that they're scared to do so.

4. Horrible Bosses

My current boss is amazing: funny, honest, kind and thoughtful. I'm lucky enough to have great colleagues too. I can recognise this because I've had some pretty awful bosses and colleagues in the past.

There was the girl who sat next to me for a year, coming out with an endless stream of reasons why she hated people in general and her job in particular (which also happened to be my job); the editor who insisted I never left early to catch my train, even though I always arrived way before anyone else and had finished all the work that could be done, forcing me to sit at my desk for half an hour at the end of each day watching my colleagues work; the psychotic team leader who screamed at people for no reason, rushed to the toilet every ten minutes and came back rubbing her nose, and who answered compliments with a deadly serious, "Yes, I am very good at my job."

What can difficult work colleagues teach us about life? Well, firstly, they're a primer on how not to be. I make a massive effort to be cheerful, reasonable and quiet-ish every day, even though I don't always feel like being like that and it can be an effort, because I know how deeply annoying it is when people are negative, unreasonable, loud and self-aggrandising.

(And it's a cast-iron fact that no one in a British office is ever going to take you to task you about your behaviour, unless you run around the department naked screaming swear words. I certainly didn't tell the above people that their behaviour was getting to me!)

Secondly, maybe these terrible colleagues will push you to get a new job with nicer people, a better working atmosphere, a pay rise and a fancier job title - and then you'll appreciate your lovely new colleagues more. That can only be a win.

Lastly, dreadful colleagues teach us resilience, patience, tolerance and people skills. In my case, they also taught me never to do cocaine, and to wear headphones and listen to loud music at work.

8 Beautiful Things You Can Do to Feel Happier

I love life, but like anyone, I have ups and downs. If you're having downs and downs, here are 8 beautiful things you can do to remind yourself that life is wonderful.

1. Enjoy the summer
It's summer soon, which in the UK means you can go to the beach, lie on the sand and not get frostbite. Trees are gorgeously green, the sun will feel warm on your skin, ice cream is widely sold, colourful flowers are in bloom, you can have a picnic or a barbecue, the days are longer, and you can take out your sunglasses (come on, everyone looks cool in shades) or buy a new bikini (or a mankini, guys). What's not to love?
2. Bathe in water
My daughter is an adorable mermaid, and I've learned to enjoy the water again thanks to her. On our recent holiday, I went swimming for the first time in decades, and it was invigorating and relaxing and calming. Lily likes pretty much every form of water, from baths to dancing in the rain. Baths, showers, swimming, dipping your toes in the sea at the beach, and even rain can be deliciously refreshing.
3. Read a book
I spent my childhood escaping into fiction. It meant I could visit different lands, meet fascinating characters and delve into their worlds without having to leave my bedroom. I could forget my worries about my dysfunctional family and the bullies at school and be swept up in the stories - and I almost always finished reading a book feeling happier than when I started it. The same often goes for seeing films and plays - anything with a thrilling story that whirls you away into another dimension.
4. Revel in creativity
I love drawing. It's not something I tell people often, because I'm not very good at it, but it's one of my favourite things to do. I also design jewellery, do origami and am a keen photographer. Even if you don't see yourself as creative, I bet you could enjoy letting your creativity run riot - whether that's by writing a short story, designing a layout for a room of your home, or sitting down with an adult colouring book. It's incredibly liberating.
5. Have a massage
Having massages is my one luxury. I love it so much that I trained in it for six months in 2013, and am now a qualified massage therapist. Some people have told me they'd be too embarrassed to have a massage, because it means getting undressed and showing your body to a stranger - but I can honestly say, as a former therapist, that I can't remember what any of my clients' bodies looked like. It's the last thing therapists focus on. It's worth getting past any embarrassment, because massage feels heavenly.
6. See your mates
Most of my friends have families now and have moved out to the suburbs or further away, so it's not always easy scheduling in time to see them. But I recently reconnected with my friend Anna, mum to two cute kids, and it's such a joy to see her and catch up, as well as reminiscing about fun times we had together in our twenties. Good friends are always worth keeping in touch with, and can make you feel a lot better about everything.

7. Exercise
You might have seen the video I posted last week of my little girl dancing. She's just so expressive, because she loves it so much. And when you find a form of exercise you feel passionate about (for me, like Lily, it's freestyle street dance) it's not a chore and something to avoid - you can't wait to do it. My friend Sarah loves yoga, my friend Catie enjoys running, my boss plays five-a-side football. Just think of all those endorphins. Oh, and get an Apple Watch - it has revolutionised my approach to fitness.
8. Volunteer
I haven't done as much volunteering as I'd like since giving birth, because my daughter comes first. But there's something about it that's good for the soul. Giving feels good, and making other people happy makes you happier. Plus you get to meet people you'd never encounter otherwise in the course of your daily life. You can find UK volunteering opportunities here.

5 Kickass Strategies for Combating Anxiety

Anxiety is a beast. It sneaks into your mind when you’re happiest, and pops up yelling “Surprise!”, then smashes its hairy fist into your birthday cake until you cry. So here are five strategies I use to fight it. 
     1. Don’t Do What It Tells You
If your anxiety insists, for example, that you’ve contracted a horrible disease, don’t go online and Google the symptoms, because that gives in to the fear and suggests it might be correct. Just go about your day as you were planning to. 
The trick is to imagine you have an anxiety-free, perfectly functional twin (strategy courtesy of OCD therapist Rob Willson). Do whatever that twin would do: eat in moderation, exercise, work, hang out with friends, go to the cinema… (OK, so that twin probably wouldn’t be writing a list of strategies to combat anxiety, but we’ll pass over that for the moment).        2. Use Action and Distraction
This is similar to the step above, but ensures you engage in lots of activity. This is probably the last thing you want to do when you’re having an anxiety attack, because you’re paralysed with fear and indecision – so taking action fights it. 
See your friends, do some work, clean the house, arrange your bookshelves or (ahem) write a blog post. Your mind will be confused: “But usually during an anxiety attack, you just tremble and cry and use Google to find out whether you’re going to die!” The more productive you are, the more the anxiety will fade.
3. Turn On Your Humour Valve
Tune into the ridiculousness of your anxiety and make yourself laugh with it: “Yes Ariane, Donald Trump probably is going to have you killed for dissing him in a Spectator article. He’s going to have everyone who has criticised him assassinated – so basically, he’s going to commit genocide!”
If you can laugh at yourself, you’re stepping outside of your anxiety and examining it. You also put your fears into perspective and will hopefully realise how baseless they are.

4. Do a CBT Thought Record
CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) is a way of critiquing your irrational thoughts. The idea with a thought record (available here) is that you examine the evidence for and against your irrational fear, which helps you realise that it has no foundation. 
Evidence for Donald Trump having me killed:
He gets hurt very easilyHe’s a bit mad
Evidence against Donald Trump having me killed:
He doesn’t seem to have had anyone else killedHe doesn’t have a clue who I amHe has bigger fish to fryHis every move is monitored by the CIAHe doesn’t care about some small paranoid writer from LeytonstoneHe doesn’t read The SpectatorThe article was published years agoHe can’t read
Generally there’s overwhelming evidence against the irrational belief, which helps to dispel it.
5. Exercise
Getting physically active helps anxiety greatly. It’s almost as though, by tiring out your body, you also tire out your irrational thoughts. I find that exercise resets your brain to its factory settings, freeing it of fear. 
The ‘good’ pain of aching muscles is a distraction from worrying - and then there’s the fact that exercising is what functional, non-neurotic people do, so you’re moving towards a better place.
Here’s to kicking that anxiety monster in the nuts.
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1 Post About My New Blog

Welcome to Life In Numbers. I've kept this blog on-and-off since 2007, and decided it was due a refresh. It was looking a bit tired, and deserved a shot of tropical graphic design Botox.

As for the new title: no, I'm not becoming a mathlete. At my day job, as Global Content Editor for the app VEON, I write a lot of stories that start with a number ('5 Apps That Are Totally Black Mirror', etc), and they're very popular with our readers - so I thought I'd do the same here.

Speaking of numbers, a colleague at work said on Slack, our messaging tool: "I like your photo."

(Slack had dredged up a photo of me from the depths of the internet. I'm not sure how, as I can't find this photo on Google Images. Slack works in mysterious ways.)

"It was taken years ago," I said, "when I was 24."

"Ah," she replied, "that can be your 'press age'!"

I thought, "Sounds good to me!" But then I realised that there are beautiful things about ageing. For me, one is having a seven-year-old daughter. If I'd had her aged 17, I probably wouldn't have had the experience and maturity to be the patient, easygoing mum I am now.

Another is wisdom. I feel as though I both know myself better, and understand more about how life works.

Anyhow, I turn 38 next month, when I shall no doubt write the blog post '7 Reasons Why Ageing Is Great'. I have 24 days to ponder what they are.

May the fourth be with you

Did you know that two-thirds of divorces are initiated by women? Apparently we get more dissatisfied in marriages than men, who tend to pretend problems don't exist.

I'm really worried I won't be one of these women granted a divorce though, as they've just sent me back my forms for the FOURTH time, saying I haven't written the date in the exact same format as on my marriage certificate! It's getting silly now. If passport forms were this difficult, no one would ever get a passport...

Every time I receive the forms again, I have this odd thought that maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't be getting divorced. So I asked my husband if there was any hope of reconciliation, or if the door was shut. He wrote back: "It's shut I'm afraid."

Which, in many ways, is more comforting than him saying "I don't know". Because at least if there's no way back, I can move on - if the divorce court administrators will let me.

My nightmare interview scenario

I was talking to a colleague today about Artificial Intelligence. "I'm glad I'll be dead before the really scary Black Mirror stuff kicks in!" I joked.

"Oh no," he said earnestly, "it's all going very fast. It'll be here in less than 20 years."

"20 years?" I shuddered. "I'll be 57."

"No," he replied, "You'll be Version 57.0!"

I don't mind the idea of robots really. I think they'll make all our lives easier. Social credit's already here, and time travel into the future could be fun. I just don't like the idea of being able to rewind your past and, in my case, see all the horror again.

I also hate the idea that people could develop a way of reading your mind, because that's one huge Pandora's box of wrong. One of the saving graces of civilised society is that you don't let what's in your head out of your mouth.

Can you imagine shaking hands with the interviewer at a job interview if they could read your thoughts?

"Hello! My, your handshake's weak and clammy. Are you a weak and nervous person? You're very fat, anyway, and you smell like an unwashed skunk. You also have hairy ears, which is unusual for a woman."

There would be absolutely no point in turning up. Even if the interviewer was sexy and fragrant, you'd just end up thinking:

"Hello! Wow, you're so hot. I bet you're super-vain and totally fancy yourself, but I would still like you to do me up against that desk..."

Actually I think that if they invented AI that could read minds, that would be the end of humanity.

It's probably not worth worrying about.

A rare glimpse of my day job

I'm blessed to be able to write for a living, and my day job is writing content for an app called VEON. I don't usually share my stories, but here's the top story on the app today.



What will Balenciaga do next?

We predict the surreal fashion house’s next move.

Oh, Balenciaga. As if the brand’s abominable pink ‘platform crocs’ weren’t enough for one year, they’ve now gone and attached a dowdy checked shirt to the front of a t-shirt, and a €1000 price tag, baffling fashionistas around the globe. They’ve been trolling the world for ages with their meme-ready creations, generating acres of social media and press coverage – but what amazingly inventive fashion faux pas will they come up with next? We have a few ideas…

The tank top made of sardines 

You’ve heard of a tank top – now say hello to the ‘stank’ top. This 1970s-style vest, hand-stitched from the finest sardines, is sure to attract glances from fellow style mavens, mainly because it whiffs so much. Naturally, it can only be accessorized with underwater goggles, and perhaps a pair of flippers too. We’re sure sales will go swimmingly.

The football boots that’ll make you a stud 

The World Cup’s just around the corner, so why not celebrate with these football boots-slash-platform shoes? Instead of a platform, they have six-inch high studs, which are sure to attract admiring looks from fellow fashionistas when you fall on your face. Remember, every top model has taken a tumble on the runway – now you can do the same on the pavement.

The ‘Top Trumps’ bra 

Forget the rest of the underwired push-up bras in your wardrobe: they simply won’t compare to this exclusive brassiere made of replicas of Donald Trump’s tiny orange hands, accessorized with real American dollars for that classy touch. Suitable only for cup sizes AA to B, as too small to preserve the larger wearer’s modesty.

Tiny dancer

My daughter came into work yesterday. I introduced her to everyone, and she was adorable but she got progressively more grumpy, eventually refusing to shake a colleague's hand!

She loves dancing, so here's a little Tuesday morning video. Hope it brightens your day.

Bring-your-daughter-to-work day

My daughter is going to come into work with me today for the first time ever. She went into her dad's workplace, the Guardian, a few years back and announced proudly afterwards, 'I watched the Lion King!' She seems to think that's what the Guardian do now - show screenings of The Lion King. It might be a new direction for them...

I suspect she'll find my work rather dull, because it's just me typing away at a laptop. I'm also a bit worried that she'll have a meltdown in front of my boss and start screaming at me, 'I hate you! I wish [my step-mum] were my mummy!' as she is wont to do at least once a week. I guess we'll see...
My dad was a university lecturer, and he used to take me into work with him every so often. It seemed impossibly glamorous. I remember being around four years old, sitting at the back of a lecture theatre as he gave a very serious lecture on film, when I twisted in my seat and got my leg stuck in the chair. I yelled 'Daddy! My leg's stuck!' and the lecture theatre erupted with laughter as he walked swiftly down the aisle to free me.
I'll let you know how my daughter's visit goes tomorrow.