Ariane Sherine's Blog, page 5

Day 10: Mamma Mia!

Yesterday I took my friend John to the cinema for his birthday. We saw Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again, and now I have a massive girl crush on Lily James. It's not a negative girl crush - she doesn't make me feel inadequate about myself. It's more of an inspiring 'if I lose all the weight and work out really hard, I might look almost as good as that'. This is her, looking all glowy and radiant:




And this is me when I'm slim, looking far less beautiful and polished than Lily, but infinitely more radiant than I do now:


Anyhow, Mamma Mia is a glorious fun-filled romp of a movie, totally star-studded and really heartwarming. I'd happily see it again. I love going to the cinema, though I don't go very often these days, because I'm so busy writing.

I'm glad the weather has cooled down slightly. Last week on Thursday night, when it was stiflingly hot, I took a cold grapefruit out of the fridge and held it to my stomach to neutralise the heat (it worked, and I fell asleep). For reasons best known to myself, I told my boss about this incident the day after, and he gave me a very strange look. I think he thinks I'm a grapefruit fetishist now.

PS I am losing weight! Today I weigh 11st 3lbs. Life is good.

Day 9: All the Beautiful Things

I have the Escape Dream once every few months, and have for the whole of my adult life. In the dream, I need to escape from my parents' house, because I am in danger. I remember that today I was planning to tweet about my father after I escaped: 'What is this, Daddy, the 200th time?'

In today's dream, I was sitting on the floor of my old bedroom in my parents' house, with the wardrobe wide open, but the things I was packing and the cases were from the present day. Exquisite Ted Baker suitcases, so pretty, light pink, one covered in a cherry blossom print. (I didn't even know who Ted Baker was when I lived with my parents.) Impractical and beautiful stiletto boots; a yellow silk jacket; such lovely brand new clothes, all the clothes I have been saving for when I finally lose weight. Endless perfumes, peach fragrance. Packing and folding, such clever origami-like folding, to maximise the space in the suitcases.

And when I wake up and realise that I am safe, I am not in their house but alone in mine, I think, 'Yes. I deserve all the beautiful things. I deserve to be skinny and pretty again, to wear beautiful clothes, to travel to far-off destinations with luxurious suitcases. My brain just thinks I don't, because nothing is ever this perfect. I have a wonderful daughter, a dream job, I am a writer. The sun is streaming in, my house and garden are gorgeous, and so I binge-eat to neutralise all the fear that creeps in, because something bad is bound to happen to me if things are this good. Things have never been this good. It has been abuse after abuse, mental illness after mental illness.

'But I deserve all the beautiful things.'

Day 8: Annie, Honey and a Super-Cool Balloon Hat

I had such a great time with the team at Little, Brown. So many positive thoughts about the book, and such fun chats - the time flew by. We're keeping them under wraps until closer to publication date, but there were so many exciting ideas that came out of our meetings, so there are treats in store for you soon.

After the meetings, it was off to collect the seven-year-old from her dad at the Guardian. We stopped into Pret for a gingerbread man (basically, my bladder was full of iced coffee and I felt I had to buy something in order to use the loo!).


Actually it wasn't a gingerbread man we bought - it was a gingerbread girl called Annie. According to the blurb on the back of the packet, a customer's daughter wrote to the CEO wanting to know why they only sold gingerbread men, not gingerbread girls! So they created one and named it after her, which is sweet.

Amusingly, when we said we wanted 'Annie' at the counter in Pret King's Cross, the man misheard and thought we wanted honey, so he presented the seven-year-old with a tiny pot of honey! Here she is eating 'Annie' dipped in honey, above (sugar crash alert), rocking a very cool balloon hat she acquired at the Guardian kids' party.

Oh, to be seven years old and be able to eat any amount of gingerbread and ice cream and not put on weight... Sadly, though I stuck to my calories yesterday, I weigh the same today. Still, onwards and downwards. This weekend I intend to go swimming - it's the only exercise I can bear in this heat - so I'll hopefully lose more weight.

See you soon!

Day 7: Perfect Day

Today is my idea of heaven, because I'm going to see my lovely publisher at Robinson to discuss the book, and meet the rest of the team at Little, Brown. I can't believe it's only 18 months ago that I suggested the idea to him, only 15 months ago that I clinched the book deal, and only a year ago that I started writing it in earnest (I filed it one day before deadline, on New Year's Eve). In a good way, I feel as though I've been working on this book forever - and there are still three months to go before its publication date!

After my meetings, I'm going to go and collect my daughter from her dad's and take her swimming. I haven't seen her for 11 days, which is a crazy length of time, and I've missed her so much.

Me (on phone): It'll have been eleven days when I next see you. You'll have forgotten what I look like.

Her: Don't be silly, Mummy. You have long black hair and you're very fat!




She's so adorable that I don't mind.
Anyhow, that brings me to my weight today:



This means I have lost 3.6lbs in the past seven days. It's not loads, but then I have been dieting since January, so it's not the start of the diet when you get a big whoosh! of water weight whoomphing off you.

My waist is still 32" and my bust is still 39".

Have a great day, leave a comment and I'll see you tomorrow!

Day 6: These Myths About Fat People Need to Stop

Yesterday David Baddiel, who is super-lovely, tweeted about a new Netflix series called Insatiable. The premise of Insatiable is that an overweight teenage girl who is bullied at school for being fat has an accident. Her jaw is wired shut over the summer, meaning she loses weight, and she returns to school looking svelte and hot. She then unleashes her fury onto her bullies in a shocking and long revenge spree.

Hell, why not watch the trailer here?
Anyhow, without having seen the series - which is written by a formerly overweight and bullied writer - 100,000 people signed a petition to get it banned because they felt it was fat-shaming. So David tweeted:

I tweeted back supporting him, then noticed the following tweets in response to his:

Both of these tweets are misguided, muddleheaded and downright bizarre (the former more than the latter, but both of them). So, as a woman who is currently borderline obese, I thought I'd clear up some myths about fat people.
1. The vast, vast, vast majority of fat people don't like being fat. We don't think it's 'super-healthy' or healthy at all. We are trying very, very hard to lose weight - we start each day desperate to stick to our diets, but we run into psychological and emotional barriers. Remember that, to lose weight, we have to restrict our calories in a way that people who aren't dieting don't, and that leads to hunger, which often leads to binging, then more self-loathing, then full-on comfort eating. This is why dieting has a similar long-term success rate to smoking (5%). So this smug lording-it-over-fat-people when they're desperately trying to fix the problem and do something you're not is cruel and daft. 
2. 'Shaming' fat people to try to make us lose weight says more about the person doing the bullying than about us. Slim people like to feel superior to fat people, and they hate the idea that fat people aren't trying to lose weight. It's as though they think, 'How dare that person walk around in public with extra flesh on her?! Doesn't she realise that she's offending me?' You know what? We feel bad enough about ourselves without you piling on the hatred. As my (American) dad used to say: knock it off.
3. Re. the second tweet above, neither smokers nor fat people think they 'won't succumb' to lung cancer or heart disease. Fat people know that being fat is a health risk, because our doctors tell us and we've seen this ad. I can't find any stats online, but I would estimate that the percentage of fat people who are comfortable with their weight and aren't on a diet is in the low single figures. I have several fat female friends, and we're all desperately trying to shed the pounds on replacement diets like the Cambridge Diet, Alevere or Diet Now. See: we're not even eating solid meals! We're eating mixed-up powder for the majority of our food. That's how much we want to lose weight.
4. I haven't seen Insatiable. It might well be the most unfeminist piece of television in history, but I'll never know if I'm not allowed to watch it, and I'd prefer it not to be banned if it's not inciting racial hatred or similar. Some people have made the point that the heroine shouldn't have had to get slim and hot to take revenge - why couldn't she do it as a fat person? I agree: but this, my friend, is down to the superficial nature of humans and what we want to see on TV. Show me a human who isn't superficial and I'll show you a fibber. Love Island wouldn't be half as appealing to the masses if it were out-of-shape people with beer guts sunbathing and fighting. A lot of the viewers tune in for the eye candy alone.
People are base and superficial - and yes, it makes me sad. I have an ex who is the kindest, most decent, generous and goodnatured man in the world, and ultimately, I left him because he didn't want to date me when I was fat. Because he couldn't get past that - and most people can't. I haven't been asked out once since I became fat. No one is interested in me romantically except for the 78-year-old man down the road, and I bet if he had a choice between me and Jessica Alba, he'd choose Jess. Now, you can blame the world for that and rail at people, or you can accept that life isn't fair and get on with it. No amount of campaigning is going to change humans' biological programming.
5. Further to point 4: do I want to date a fat man? Well, I have done in the past. I've dated overweight and underweight guys, but I'd prefer a buff guy to either of them if I'm honest. Most women are genetically programmed to seek out tall, athletic men with lots of hair (except on their backs), clear skin and white teeth; most men go for slender women with a slim waist and curves, long shiny hair (but none on their bodies or faces), long slim legs and ankles, clear skin and white teeth. Basically, my beautiful writer friend Kia. Again: it's unfair and you can blame evolution all you like, but you can't fight nature.
6. Lastly, before you start sawing at your wrists with a nail file, it's like this: being hot helps you get along in life, but it's not everything. If you're mean and nasty; if your head is filled with stupid, bigoted, uninteresting and unoriginal thoughts; if you can't laugh at yourself or the world around you; if you're incompetent at your job; then you can be the hottest, most sizzling beach babe or hunk, and it won't compensate for any of the above. I would much rather go out with a fat, ugly man who was kind, smart and made me laugh than a airheaded male Instagram model - even if I do want to watch Insatiable.

Day 5: Talk Yourself Better (Part 1)

Ta-da! The new book cover is ready. It is like a burst of sunshine, signalling that brighter days are ahead. It should be up on Amazon in the next day or so.


And, though this is currently a diet blog, mental illness has more to do with the diet than you might think. I was always skinny until I was put on antipsychotics during my nervous breakdown, at which point I put on five stone. The leaflet for the drug, olanzapine, basically said THIS WILL MAKE YOU FAT! Then I went online and everyone on olanzapine said THIS MADE ME FAT! But I didn't have a choice, because it was either be fat or be in such excruciating mental agony that I didn't want to be alive.

I'm now on three pharmaceutical drugs, all of which are associated with significant weight gain. Thankfully I'm on very low doses of them (I was originally on 10mg of my antipsychotic, which is enough to knock out a horse. I'm now on 2.5mg, which I take at night, and it sends me off to sleep). The drugs still make me hungry - and worse, I never feel full when I'm on them. I just don't get those signals from my body, so can eat a 12-pack of Krispy Kreme doughnuts and still have room for more.

I didn't do that yesterday, though. I ate really sensibly, which I find is easier to do the hotter it is. I just don't feel like pigging out on carbs when I feel all sweaty and listless.

My restraint has paid off: today I weigh 72.1kg, so have lost 1.2kg in five days (a little off 3lbs).



Here are my Apple Watch readings for yesterday:




I hope that my weight revelations about pills don't put you off taking them if you need them. At their best, as they are for me, they are absolutely lifesaving. Sure, I'd rather not be on them - I don't know what their long-term effects will be, so I try to lead a healthy lifestyle (Krispy Kreme doughnuts aside, ahem), and the weight loss is part of me trying to be healthier as well as look better. But the fact is that I need my drugs to function - and so do millions of other people.

Talk Yourself Better, though mostly about therapy, also has a chapter on medication. It weighs up the pros and cons of taking pharmaceutical drugs, and features the stellar line-up of the amazing Stephen Fry, Guardian journalist John Crace, and consultant psychiatrist at the Maudsley, Professor David Veale. Contributors to the book's therapy chapters include the brilliant Black Mirror writer Charlie Brooker, comedian David Baddiel, journalist Dolly Alderton, magazine editor James Brown, journalist Cosmo Landesman and writer Jean Hannah Edelstein. Every contributor very generously gave their time and insights for free so that others could benefit.

I am so proud of this book, and so excited about it. I really think it's going to help a lot of people. The cover isn't up yet, but you can pre-order your copy here now.

Day 4: The Witching Hour

The last bit of the day is my culinary undoing. Anytime after 6pm, when I think "I've been so good on this diet today - I'll just have a packet of crisps." And then one packet of crisps turns into another, and a third, until hell, I might as well eat the whole six-pack, as I'm clearly never going to be svelte again.

A lot of people have recommended that I don't keep crisps and biscuits in the house. However, I have a seven-year-old daughter, so it's slightly impractical to buy new food for her every week and then chuck out anything she doesn't eat after she's gone to her dad's. Sadly that means that some of it usually makes its way into my belly. Perhaps I should be impractical after all?

Anyhow, I didn't eat the whole snack cupboard last night. I stuck to 1,200 calories and did a lot of walking. Annoyingly, today I weigh the same as yesterday, though my waist is back down to 32" and my bust 39":



And here are my Apple Watch readings:





Lastly: lurkers on this blog, please leave a comment. I love to get them and read them. They're like little surprising presents that I can unwrap at any minute of the day. Thanks!

Day 3: Promises, Promises

Dear People of the Internet,

Lately I have been vacillating, a mass of contradictions. I want to write a blog! No, I want to write my YA novel. No, I want to do both! (Which is not possible, as I'm holding down a full-time job and looking after a kid too, as well as weeding the decking which the builder swore would never sprout weeds.)

I want to be a vegan! But I want to eat cheese, butter and milk. (Which is not possible, for reasons I don't need to spell out, as you are an intelligent person. Of course you are! Look at your discerning taste in blogs.)

I want to lose weight. No, I want to eat chocolate cake! No, I want to lose weight. (Which is not possible, unless you're prepared to eat minuscule amounts of chocolate cake. And who can stop at just one bite of luscious, rich confectionery?)

This is why people don't succeed in shedding the pounds. Because they want to shovel creamy, delicious spaghetti carbonara and ice cream down their gullets as well as slimming down.

It. Is. Not. Possible.

To successfully lose weight, you have to commit to it psychologically, not be swayed by every passing doughnut. You have to marry it and have its babies, not just flirt with it over a hot chocolate with whipped cream. You have to not do this:



With that in mind, I have decided to take the following steps to make sure the next 90 (well, 87) days go as well as they can.

I promise to:

1. Only eat foods where I know the calories. The cheese crêpe I had yesterday for lunch could have fallen anywhere between 300 and 900 calories. If I have no idea how many calories I'm eating, I can make excuses to myself that I haven't eaten that many and deserve a bumper pack of Cadbury's Heroes. And we all know that I don't.

2. Take a daily selfie like this lady. Yes, it's slightly problematic horrifying oneself with one's own body, but it worked for her, so it might work for me too.

3. Not eat after 7pm, and go to bed as early as possible. Restricting the time when I'm eating, and restricting the time when I'm awake, can only be good things as far as the diet is concerned.

So... I saw my lovely Catholic friend Anna yesterday, and now I need to say ten Hail Marys, because I put on 200g. I ate a pack of McVities Chocolate Digestive Thins, but sadly they haven't made me thin. I also put on half an inch on my bust and waist (39.5" and 32.5" respectively).


Here are my Apple Watch readings for yesterday:



Today I am going out to buy a load of vegetables and chuck them down my oesophagus. See you tomorrow!

Day 2: Fantasies and Daydreams

Dear People of the Internet,

I don't like being fat, but I don't like missing out on delicious food, either. I think this is what's called wanting to have your cake and eat it.

When I was a kid at school, I was always skinny because there was no tasty food to eat (everything at home was overly-healthy and bleurrgh - think lentils, soggy broccoli, etc), but I was incredibly hairy as my mother wouldn't let me shave my legs. So I'd look at the other girls' smooth hairless legs and wish I could have them instead of my own. (Which would have looked totally weird as their legs were mostly white, but you know what I mean.)

Anyhow, now I'm fat with access to an epilator, I have other fantasies: I dream of being as skinny as other women. I look at the women at work and wish I could swap bodies with them. Sometimes I dream of being able to eat whatever I like and not get fat or ill; sometimes I imagine being able to cut vast swathes of blobby flesh off my body, giving myself the perfect figure.

It's so daft, because there are a million things I could be devoting thought space to that are more important than this. But we live in an image-obsessed society - just look at Love Island. (Full disclosure: I love Love Island, so clearly I'm not immune to this either.)

Today I have lost an incredible 1kg! I weigh 72.2kg, which is 11 stone 5lbs and 159lbs - meaning a loss of 3lbs in total in two days (1.1kg). My waist is 32" and my bust is 39", so I've lost an inch off the latter.




And here are my Apple Watch readings from yesterday:





Today I am eating: God knows. I'm seeing my lovely friend Anna and there might be some chocolate biscuits involved. I am going to have a rare and moderate 'cheat' day, where I try to maintain my calories. Let's see how it goes.

Until tomorrow,

Ariane xxx

Day 1: Secrets and Thighs

Can I tell you a secret? I have been keeping myself fat for a reason. Or, rather, my subconscious has.

First, there's the prospect of happiness. Of course, everybody wants to be happy, but my subconscious worries about happiness, because there has been so little of it in my life. If I get happy, then my anxiety levels go up, as my subconscious gets suspicious: "This isn't right! Your life isn't this good. Let's see what we can find for you to be scared of!"

So it digs around in my brain and my life and presents fears to me, fears about terrible things happening. If I'm fat, my subconscious doesn't feel the need to do this, because being fat makes me less happy. If I lose weight, my anxiety will hit the roof.

Then there's the fear of being attractive. Right now, I am invisible to men. If I lose weight, I am more likely to appeal to them. When you've been sexually assaulted as many times as I have, that's not necessarily a welcome prospect. On one level, I like being invisible: it allows me to walk around alone at night and not feel scared.  I don't get any unwanted attention. I don't have to reject anyone.

But as an obese person, I am not living my best life. And so onwards and downwards I go.

Day 1 of The 14-Week Challenge wasn't too bad. I mean, I would rather have been eating Oreos than diet sachets, but wouldn't everyone?

The main thing is that I lost (a very pitiful amount of) weight - 100g, despite only eating around 800 calories - but that's still a loss and not a gain, right?

Today I weigh 72.2kg, which is 11 stone 7.4lbs and 161.4lbs. My waist is 32" and my bust is 40", so I've lost half an inch off my waist.



And here are my Apple Watch readings from yesterday, showing that I'm doing plenty of exercise:




Today I am eating:

Two Diet Now vegetarian chocolate orange shakes: 300 calories
A massive tub of vegetables and fruit including tomato, cucumber, lettuce, celery, carrots, apple, artichoke, mushrooms, avocado and mango: roughly 300 calories
Two Diet Now vegetarian cottage pies: 280 calories

Total: 880 calories

In case mushrooms don't seem to go with apple, or artichokes with mango: you're right, they don't. Don't try this at home.