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What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 2)

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Published on March 12, 2024 02:00

What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 2)

This is the final installment of a multi-part series on what our spouses need, but may not always articulate. In the first and second articles, we focused on what most husbands need. Last week and this week, we peer into the secret, inner longings of most women.

Men, are you starting to see your wife in a new light after reading last week’s article? Did listening, helping, and simple, non-sexual physical affection seem like they’re more within reach in the “everydayness” of your relationship?

This week, we’re going to dive deep into what may be the most vulnerable corners of your wife’s heart. As with last week, you will see some ultra-practical action steps, based on twenty years of rigorous research with more than 20,000 women for our books like For Men Only. But I also want to help you understand your wife. The ultimate goal is for you to love each other in ways that help each of you feel loved, and cultivate deeper levels of intimacy in your marriage.

So keeping in mind that these are statistical generalizations and there are always exceptions, let’s build on last week’s Emotional Needs 1, 2 and 3. Let’s go inside your wife’s heart to the places she may have a hard time telling you about even if you’ve been married for decades.

Emotional Need #4: To know she’s beautiful in your eyes

Recently, one of my friends and her husband were getting ready to head to a dinner party. Ten minutes after they had agreed to leave, her husband walked into their bedroom and surveyed the scene. Practically every ensemble his wife owned was strewn onto the bed. She was sweating, awkwardly hooking a clasp on the back of her dress, and lamenting that she “had nothing to wear.”

And this man did the unthinkable. He came up behind her, gave her a big hug, and told her she looked beautiful.

Swoon. Let me tell you male readers – nearly every woman who is peeking in on this blog just gave a wistful sigh when they read that line. You can have this same sort of impact on your wife.

My friend confessed that it hadn’t always been that way in their marriage. For many years, he would have tapped his watch, and in response to her “How do I look?” question, he would have replied, “We’re going to be late honey. I already told you, you look fine.”

But he had learned one of her deepest needs. To know she is still – after all these years – beautiful in his eyes. Our nationally representative research from For Men Only bears this out. We asked women whether it would matter to be told by their husband or significant other that they are beautiful. Fully 89% of women said it had a deep emotional impact. Only 3% said it didn’t matter to them.

Practical tips to meet this need:

See incidents like the above or phrases like, “I have nothing to wear!” as a giant signal, then reassure your wife she is beautiful to you. Erase “fine” from your vocabulary. Much in the same way that you would sink if your wife said your pay raise was “fine,” many women shrink at that word describing how they look. Find phrases that convey “You look beautiful today.” One husband I know told his wife recently that he loves her eyes. “I loved them in your twenties and I love them now,” he said. She held onto that compliment for weeks! You may think it, but your wife likely needs to hear you say she’s beautiful. No matter how self-assured, mature, or accomplished she is, and no matter how long you’ve been together. Emotional Need #5: A sense of deep security – in you, rather than in your finances

A common misunderstanding men have about their wives is that financial provision makes them feel most loved and secure. Don’t get me wrong – that is much appreciated! But here’s the truth that startles most men: 70% of married women would give up financial security, if that was necessary to get emotional security in the marriage.

Read that sentence again slowly.

Think about all those extra hours at work; all the extra nights on the road at just one more construction site. If your wife is like the majority, those extra finances are valued and appreciated . . . but may not be nearly as important to her as your presence. She may care far more that you are physically and emotionally available to leave work and cheer for your child at the soccer game, than about the extra overtime hours.

So here are some practical suggestions:

Respect her enough to ask her what her priority is – and then believe what she says. In our interviews we have seen that many men don’t believe their wives could really value time over, well, overtime. If she is in the 70%, tell your wife you may need extra encouragement believing this one. Next, ask her what “speaks security” most to her. It may be that she is fine with your extra work hours – but that when you’re home she wants you there rather than gaming or distracted.

Emotional Need #6: To be shown that she is loved (and loveable)

It’s no surprise that women feel a need to be loved. (After all, men do, too!) What may come as a surprise to many men, is how easy it is for a woman to question whether she is loved.

In our For Men Only research, we found that fully 82% of women have an underlying insecurity about whether their men really love them. And here’s the key: this is not necessarily because of you but because of a question that is common in the heart of most women: Am I lovable?

This deep inner question is hard for most women to articulate to their husbands. And it may “leak out” in a pattern of seeking reassurance – which can (understandably) be confounding for men.

Here’s the translation: If your wife asks, “Do you love me?” in the evening when you already told her in the morning, what she’s asking is: “Do you really love me?”

Most women – even in the best of marriages – have an emotional need to be reassured. Yes, we are each responsible for our own emotional state. But, husbands, do you see the tremendous power you wield to care for this tender place in your wife’s heart?

This is why the other things we talked about this week and last week matter to your wife. Listening to her feelings or noticing she needs help shows her that you love her. Putting your arm around her in church says, “I’m so glad you’re mine.” Spending emotionally connected time together builds her feelings of love and closeness with you. It. All. Matters.

Here are practical steps to help your wife feel loved:

During conflict, reassure her of your love. You may need space (and, as we covered in part 2 of the husbands’ series, wives need to give it). But let her know you love her first. A simple hug and saying “We’re okay, let’s talk about it tonight,” before you escape to your workshop, can work wonders. If she brings up something that needs attention, try not to become defensive or see it as criticism. Not only is defensiveness a warning sign in relationships (see my blog from last year on this) but it may run right over the tender feelings your wife wants to share. Pursue her. Even if you’ve been married for twenty years, pursuit prevents a lot of insecurity. This doesn’t have to be “big chase” type of stuff. It can simply be taking her hand at the party or sending a text that says, “I was just thinking about you.”

In the end, understanding the deep, inner longings of your wife’s heart will help you develop a closeness with her that may bring you closer than ever before. And the secret decoder ring you thought you needed won’t seem so necessary anymore.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 1)

In Money and Marriage, Remember the Past to Have Faith in the Future

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2

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What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 1)

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Published on March 05, 2024 02:00

What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 1)

This is the next installment of a multi-part series on what our spouses need deep down inside, but may not always articulate. In Part 1 and Part 2, we focused on what most husbands need. This week and next, we peer into the secret, inner longings of most women.

Men, have you ever wondered why your wife asks you how she looks when you just told her she looks fine? Or why she takes your need for space as a signal that you’re upset with her?

If you feel like you need a secret decoder ring, you are not alone.

This week and next, we’re going to peer into the inner needs of many women and “decode” what’s really being said. (Or, in some cases, not said.) This is based not on opinion or a few informal polls, but on twenty years of rigorous data – including multiple nationally representative surveys – from more than 20,000 women for my book For Men Only and others.

We hope this will help you understand what makes your wife tick, and help you love her in ways that actually make her feel loved.

A few caveats: Although these findings are true of most women, there are always exceptions. Further, some men will look at these needs and realize that you feel exactly the same way! This is also not a comprehensive list. Pro tip: to truly understand your wife – and make her feel very loved – pick up a copy of For Men Only and ask her to read and discuss it with you.

Ready to dive in? Let’s tackle three common needs of women this week and three more next week – including the biggest, deepest longing of a woman’s heart.

Emotional Need #1: For you to listen to her feelings

Has your wife ever begun to share a concern or worry, and told you, “I just want you to listen.” (Or maybe even said that phrase when you have already been listening for ten minutes?)

Here’s what she’s really saying: “I want you to listen to what I’m feeling.” Guys, you might feel that being the hero means being Mr. Fix-It – but that can come later. First, try to focus on her feelings. (“I’m so sorry . . . how did you react when your boss embarrassed you in front of the group like that?”)

If you flip this order and try to fix things first, she may actually be frustrated with you for “not listening.” (In the For Men Only survey, 60% of women viewed it as a negative if they were describing an emotional problem and their partner jumped straight to trying to solve it.) An exception is if it’s a fairly technical issue (“It’s going to hit 90 degrees today and the A/C unit just went out!”)

When the A/C unit is broken, she wants it fixed. When her emotions are complicated, she wants to be heard. In fact, helping her work through her feelings may even help her solve the problem. But if not, then you can ask if your solutions would be helpful.

Here are practical ways to listen to your wife in the way that matters most to her:

Ask your wife if this “listen to my feelings” thing is true of her. If so, remember your first step is to help her feel heard and not (yet) to solve the actual problem. One way to show that you’re “hearing” her is to repeat her feelings back to her, and ask about or prompt the next ones along. (e.g. “I am really sorry your friends didn’t invite you on that trip – you must feel left out.”) Help her understand your wiring. As described in last week’s blog, most men are internal processors (some women are, too). If you need a bit of space to process what you’re hearing (especially if emotions are running high for both of you), help your wife see that you love her deeply, you just need to step away, and you’ll be able to talk about it again at such-and-such a time.

Emotional Need #2: To be helped without having to ask

When Jeff and I lead marriage events, one of our favorite things to do is live (anonymous) polling of the audience. At an event in Iowa last fall, we asked the women in the audience to fill in the blank below in five words or less.

“When my husband says this or does this it really touches my heart: _____________.”

We asked the polling program to create a representative word cloud of the answers:

Interesting, right? One in four women, with their ONE short opportunity, mentioned some form of “help” as an answer – and especially help without being asked.

Men, it means the world to your wife when you step in to help her without prompting. Why? It means that you care enough to be aware of what is going on with her, and notice that she needs help.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: “I can’t read my wife’s mind.” You’re absolutely right. As we said onstage at that marriage event, you should not be expected to. But there are several actions you can do that will have lasting emotional impact:

Ask her! After work, simply ask, “How can I most help you tonight?” She’ll feel so deeply cared for, and you won’t have to read her mind. Win-win. Become curious about and aware of what sort of “help” matters to your wife, in the same way you probably are attuned to what matters to your boss. You can’t read her mind, but you can look for patterns. Once you see a pattern, be ready to jump in where needed. In the classic words of the larger-than-life inventor Bigweld from the animated movie Robots: “See a need, fill a need.” A few simple actions may speak volumes of love.

Emotional Need #3: Physical affection outside the bedroom

As we told women last time, we know many men view physical intimacy in the bedroom as a deep emotional need. And certainly that is true of many women as well! But the research reveals a need that many men don’t realize about their wives: there is something profoundly and emotionally important about simple physical affection outside the bedroom.

Earlier today, I was looking at data from our nationally representative survey for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and noticed several great examples. In the survey, we listed simple actions that a husband might do and asked how much impact that would have on the wife. Look at what the women answered for just two of the actions:

Those are big numbers! (A smaller group of women did say those physically affectionate gestures were merely “nice,” but not particularly impactful. And 4% said those actions “don’t do much for me.”)

Why do these gestures matter so much? For most women, there is one main reason why – and we’ll cover it in next week’s post. (Make sure not to miss it. Click here to subscribe if you don’t already.)

The practical suggestion for this one is clear:

Ask your wife if little physical gestures like taking her hand or putting your arm around her in public matters to her – and, if so, act accordingly!

In fact, ask your wife about each of the three needs we mentioned today. Do they apply to her? And if so, how? The conversation alone will make her feel loved. Then come back next time for the final three emotional needs on our list!

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

In Money and Marriage, Remember the Past to Have Faith in the Future

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life

The post What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 1) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

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Published on February 27, 2024 02:00

What Husbands Need Most From Their Wives (Part 2)

This is the second part of a multi-part series on what our spouses need, but may not always articulate. In Part 1 and this Part 2, we are focusing on what most husbands need. Starting next week, we focus on wives.

So, did you have good conversations with your man after reading Part 1? Did you two identify any inner thoughts and feelings that he has experienced but hasn’t quite expressed before?

Not long ago, I was interviewing a marriage counselor for my next research project, and he asked if he could share something first. He told me that he regularly shares the nationally representative research from our books, including For Women Only and For Men Only, with hurting couples. He has seen many well-intentioned couples get into a deep rut because they are either hurting each other without intending to or simply not speaking the other person’s language. Over and over, he has seen that once they understand the inner, often unspoken emotions underneath the surface, they know how to love their spouse well and rebuild the relationship. They truly understand what has been hurting the other person – and know how to build their partner up instead.

In the spirit of that type of understanding, let’s build on Emotional Needs 1, 2 and 3 and tackle the next three inner needs that men may feel deeply, but don’t always know how to say. Remember: each of these articles is purposefully not two-sided: we are focusing solely on men in Part 1 and 2, and then focusing solely on women in our next two articles. (Please read Part 1, including the caveats, before reading Part 2.)

Emotional Need #4: Connection and conversation – with some space

According to the For Women Only research, part of what men love about being married is one of the same things we love about being married: companionship, connection, and sharing and hearing things we may not share with anyone else. The issue is this: because of common differences in how male and female brains are wired, the way men and women connect and listen can tend to be a bit different.

Your man probably loves hearing what you have to say and he wants to hear about your life. But he probably can’t hear about your whole life, all at once, without time for processing.

In the research, multiple men used a similar word picture to try to describe what this felt like. Imagine, they said, that you have a pitcher full of water, representing all those things you want to share. Your husband loves you and wants to hear those things, but he has a glass that can only hold so much water. As you pour in your thoughts, concerns, and updates, there comes a tipping point. Eventually his brain feels “full” and words start spilling back out. He’s not absorbing them in the way he wants to.

At that point, many men described the distressing feeling of wanting to listen in the way you need, but almost being unable to. The guys said they had to absorb and process the water and get a bit of space in the glass before they could be ready for you to pour in more. This was particularly important when decisions needed to be made and/or emotions were running high.

Many men begin to feel inadequate at this point. One guy said, “I feel defective, like something is wrong with my brain.” It is liberating once both partners realize that in many cases the male brain simply needs a bit of time and space to process what he is hearing. Quite a few women reading this probably know exactly what this feels like as well. Whether someone is male or female, the need for time and space to think is a characteristic of being an internal processor rather than a verbal processor.

So here are some practical ideas as you two talk:

When the two of you see each other after a period of time apart (after a day of work, a time of travel, etc.), pick the single most important thing you’d like to talk with him about and tackle that first. If possible, let him know what your priority is – especially if you are looking for something specific by the end. As one guy explained it, “It really helps me to know up front that she is hoping we can come to a conclusion about something. That helps me listen in the right way. It is a different type of listening than when she tells me, ‘I don’t want you to fix it, I just want you to listen.’” Give one another permission to ask and/or say something like, “Is your brain full?” Or, “Can we take a break until tomorrow morning? I need to process for a bit.” If a conclusion or decision is needed, ask if he needs time to process, and roughly how long. Then give him that time. He’ll feel seen and known.

Emotional Need #5: Protection for his heart

There is some great advice in this bible verse: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life” (Proverbs 4:23 NLT).

As wives, we have the sacred privilege of realizing how tender our husbands’ hearts really are. (Just as they do with us.) So even if your man projects confidence, it’s crucial to know that on the inside, most men regularly feel real self-doubt. They question themselves as a husband and as a father: 76% of men in my nationally representative survey confessed they are not as confident as they look.

Our husbands love us, appreciate us, and offer their whole selves to us. Thus, no one holds more power to strengthen – or shred – their hearts than … us.

One man described having a castle wall around his heart that protects his personal and professional life. People can shoot arrows at his heart, but those comments or actions won’t really “reach” him and cause deep hurt. And yet he will cautiously inch open the castle doors and invite the woman he loves and perhaps a few close friends to see his real feelings, knowing that he is placing his heart at risk.

Practical ideas to handle his heart with care:

When you are frustrated, remember you are speaking to the inner, tender-hearted man, not the outer confident-looking one. (See Part 1 for more on this.) Let your man make day-to-day, minor mistakes (like the situation he didn’t handle perfectly with little Johnny) in peace. By giving him an emotionally safe space to be himself at home, he is willing to keep those castle doors open to you. Pursue him sexually. I’m jumping the gun on #6, but your pursuit of him in the bedroom actually plays a huge confidence-building role for many men.

Emotional Need #6: Sexual intimacy

OK, you knew this topic would show up somewhere. But a light bulb may go off when you realize why. It is not primarily a “physical thing.” Feeling desired is actually emotionally vital for many men. (Just as it is for many women.)

Many men in the research shared that if they make a move and their wife says not now, what they may hear is “not you.” In this vulnerable area, it is easy to feel rejected and isolated.

On the other hand, in the For Women Only data, 77% of men stated that regular sexual intimacy with a wife who wanted to be with him, would improve his sense of well-being and satisfaction with all of life. It is often that powerful!

Some practical ideas to foster intimacy (and again, as mentioned in Part 1, if you are in a toxic relationship, these do not apply):

Put a reminder in your phone to initiate, if it has been a while. If you’re not “in the mood,” make sure he knows that it is a timing issue. (“Honey, it’s been such a hard day, how about Saturday instead?”) If it takes you awhile to get “in the mood,” encourage your husband to drop affectionate, playful hints and give you anticipation time. If there are obstacles to intimacy – anything from sexual pain to not feeling close enough right now – work through those in whatever way is needed. Get the medical help or the marriage counseling (see secretsofsexandmarriage.com for referral options). This part of marriage is important for both of you.

Hopefully all that we covered will give you some great opportunities for conversation and closeness with your man. For the next two weeks, we’ll look at what wives need most from their husbands.

In the meantime, what’s one step from this week’s blog you’re willing to try today? I’d love to read your comments!

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

In Money and Marriage, Remember the Past to Have Faith in the Future

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life

The post What Husbands Need Most From Their Wives (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

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Published on February 20, 2024 02:00

What Husbands Need Most From Their Wives (Part 1)

This is the first part of a multi-part series on what our spouses need, but may not always articulate. This week and next, we are focusing on husbands. After that, we’ll focus on wives. *

You read the headline, and you’re pretty sure you know the answer.

Sex, right?

Yes, sexual intimacy does make list of what husbands are longing for in their relationship with their wives. But the nationally representative research for my bestselling book For Women Only – and interviews and surveys with more than 20,000 men over twenty years – reveal other vital emotional needs that often go unspoken.

So let’s peer into the deep, inner life of our man – and pull out practical ideas on how to love him in ways that actually make him feel loved. (In Parts 3-4, we’ll look at the unspoken things that often help wives feel loved.)

Here’s my prediction: As we focus on needs our spouse may not always articulate, we will start to see new levels of closeness and intimacy – far beyond just sexual intimacy – in our marriages.

Here are three caveats right up front: First, many of these needs are crucial for both partners. Just because men tend to have a certain desire doesn’t mean women don’t! And vice versa. Second, although these inner needs are similar across all relationships, a relationship that is controlling or abusive needs boundaries and help, rather than a focus on the abusive partner’s needs.

And finally, this is not an exhaustive list about men. (I’d highly recommend For Women Only for more detail.) Below are three research-backed, simple longings of men that they didn’t always know how to say. We’ll cover three more in Part 2.

Emotional Need #1: Companionship

It’s clear in the research that most husbands simply enjoy being with their wives. Underneath that enjoyment is also a longing for companionship with the person he wants to – and needs to – open up with more than anyone else.

As busy women with many social outlets – bible study, girls’ nights, jobs, volunteer commitments – we may not quite “get” how isolated men often feel. And they don’t talk about it much.

Enter, well … us.

Based on the data, I have found that most men view their wife as their best friend – and are eager to spend time together. And this will often mean getting out and doing things together.

Practical tips to foster companionship:

Ask your husband what he needs from Home Depot, grab the keys, and give him a playful “well, what are we waiting for?” nod toward the garage. If your man asks you, “Wanna go to Costco?” treat it the way he is probably seeing it – not just as a chance to get some cheap tech pants, but as time together. Take an honest look at your schedule. Does it reflect a priority on time with your husband? Not just “for” him, but for you and your relationship? If not, what adjustment(s) might you make? If your marriage has drifted, revisit shared activities or much-loved places from early in your relationship.

To the last point, a military wife described to me her painful realization that her marriage had been stressed by her husband’s previous war-zone deployment and eventual PTSD. She prayed about what to do, and realized: she had long ago stopped joining her husband in a hobby he enjoyed. Restoring that habit rebuilt their friendship and closeness, and allowed them to work well on the other issues at hand.

Emotional Need #2: To know that they “did good.”

It may surprise us to know that men often have a secret question deep down: Am I any good at what I do? I want to be a good husband, a good father… but am I? In particular, many men subconsciously question whether they are good at what they do for you.

As a result, being affirmed in what they do is far more emotionally powerful than we realize. Not long ago, a man at a marriage conference told me and Jeff, “There’s something in me that just wants to hear, ‘You know that way you handled the kids this afternoon? You done good.’”

The problem is: our research for The Kindness Challenge discovered that most of us don’t actually say words of affirmation as often as we think we do. Affirming your husband in the way he longs to hear is likely to be very meaningful to him – and to the relationship.

So how do we do that, in a practical sense? One key way is outlined in the next section.

Emotional Need #3: Two words

At a large women’s event last month in Arizona, I shared with the audience that when they tell their husbands “I love you,” it’s nice. Men do like hearing it. But according to our surveys, there’s a phrase that’s far more emotionally powerful for them – one that makes most men feel deeply loved and cared for.

I invited the audience to guess. After a few guesses, one woman said it: “Thank you.”

“’Thank you?’ That’s it?” another woman loudly blurted, causing a ripple of laughter. “I wish I’d known that twenty years ago.”

In our nationally representative For Women Only research, 72% of men said there was a sense of deep pleasure when they do something and their wives sincerely thank them for it. Yes, for a lot of men … that’s really it.

One day, Jeff and I were speaking at a marriage event and shared that hearing “thank you” is often a man’s emotional equivalent of hearing “I love you.” One man relayed this story to Jeff. “You know those speed monitoring signs in neighborhoods that tell you when you’re going too fast? Well, there was one particular digital sign that would flash ‘Thank you’ in big letters when someone was sticking to the speed limit. I found myself taking that road a lot even though it wasn’t the most direct route … and I just now understood why. It’s crazy, but even when it came from electronic sensors there was a sense of deep satisfaction at seeing those words.”

Here are some practical ways to say thank you:

Watch for the things your man does and find at least one opportunity every day to thank him. For making dinner even though he had a hard day at work, too. For making you feel loved by doing _____. For fixing the glitchy Wi-Fi. For walking the dog. Counteract any tendency to think, “Why should I have to thank him for walking the dog? That’s his job!” Remember, we are looking at each other’s unspoken needs! And hearing “thank you” is powerful – even for daily chores. After all, you want your man to say “I love you” or “you did great” to you, too, right? Hearing those affirmations is precious to all of us. Avoid immediate pairing of appreciation with “helpful” comments (e.g. “Thanks for getting my car washed. Could you take the car seat out next time before they vacuum the seats?”) Guys tell me that a request is fine the next day, but a “correction” in the moment is perceived as a statement of failure, not a statement of thanks. Look for natural ways to say “thank you” or praise your husband in front of others. When he gets your jacket from the car because the outside gathering is chilly, tell your friend, “He always does that.” He may look neutral, but on the inside, he is proud of being able to please you … and proud of you for being a generous person.

So … what do you think? Whether you have heard these things before, or whether some of them are new, I hope you see how helpful it will be to learn and attend to what matters to our spouse.

One key suggestion: Use this as a starting point for conversation, and ask your man which of these things are true of him. Then make sure you catch next week’s blog for more unspoken, emotional needs that matter to most men.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

In Money and Marriage, Remember the Past to Have Faith in the Future

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life

What an Attitude Adjustment Can Teach Us About What We DO Have

The post What Husbands Need Most From Their Wives (Part 1) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

In Money and Marriage, Remember the Past to Have Faith in the Future

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Published on February 13, 2024 02:00

In Money and Marriage, Remember the Past to Have Faith in the Future

Has money been causing heartaches or coming between you and your spouse lately? Yeah? I’m so glad we are not alone! The economy, inflation, and the effects of the pandemic have caused a lot of financial stress for many of us. Our own ministry income and events were so greatly affected by COVID, we honestly didn’t know how we were going to make the numbers work. Not only do we have a family to support but we also have a staff to keep employed. Money and financial insecurity have been on our mind. A lot.

And when money stress is at the forefront of our minds — and tongues– guess what also happens? Our spouse may suddenly become a target.

We may be trying our hardest to work together as a couple, but our partner is also there when our fear and anxiety overflow. Despite having an agreed-upon budget, we may have trouble getting over the fact that our spouse went out to eat instead of packing a perfectly good lunch with the food at home. And they seem to get frustrated with us when we purchase a new item for our home office, even though we feel justified in getting it because it helps with efficiency and will make more money in the end.

When we are stressed, it is all too easy to take it out on each other. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Based on our research for Thriving in Love & Money, here’s how we can do better – advice that we ourselves have had to apply in this season!

Every Marriage Has Money Seasons – and We Need To Remember Them

If we’re honest, this season is not unique. Every season of marriage comes with financial issues that we have to talk about and deal with. Whether we’re figuring out how to make it work for a while on one income, how to pay for a child’s college education, or saving up to buy a house, it can sometimes seem hard to see how it is all going to work.

Throw in a shock like a lost job, an unexpected medical payment, or a global pandemic that pushes pause on income, and the financial insecurity becomes more real.

But again – none of this is unique. These situations ebb and flow throughout a marriage. And if we haven’t done it before, there is a way to use our financial experiences and stresses in this season to help build our faith as a couple for not only today but every season ahead. It just may look very different from what we expected.

God Says To Go Where? And Do What?

One very important way we can come together as a couple is to build our faith by remembering how God has provided throughout every other season of our life.

There’s an amazing principle we can see in the biblical book of Joshua. After years of the Israelites wandering in the desert, probably feeling like they were never going to make it to the land of promise and abundance, suddenly they were told: it is finally time! But God’s instructions sounded . . . well, scary. He told the Israelites – probably two million people at that point — to follow the priests carrying the Ark of the Covenant across the Jordan River.

Think about this message for a second. Yes, there is provision for you over there. So cross the river. Which is in flood stage. With no bridge.

God wanted them to follow the priests into the raging river? Can you imagine the people’s skepticism and fear? They had to be thinking, “This doesn’t make sense!”

However, the moment they acted in trust and actually stepped into the Jordan, the waters backed up. The entire nation crossed over on dry land. Then God told them to do something else: take stones from the center of the river and pile them where everyone could see.

Why? Every time they looked at that mound of rough stones, they would remember the astounding way God provided. Which was essential, because crossing into the Promised Land wasn’t the end of the story—it was just the beginning. In every season to come — every battle, every trial, every uncertain next step – the people of God could look at that pile of stones taken from the center of a river. Remembering what God did in the past would help them trust and obey in the future. It would help them overcome fear and skepticism and replace it with a sense of expectancy.

Find the Stones from the Journey

Friends, we have to do the same thing. We may have no idea how God will accomplish something in our lives. We may not know how we will pay the bills, get a new job, or repair the new roof after the storm. All we know is that He has promised to provide – and He has something great on the other side. We know this because as we look back, we can see that God has delivered us to the other side of our personal Jordan River again and again.

Remember when He provided those extra hours to cover the vacation we were hoping to take? Remember when God allowed us to find the perfect job at a time when we were still nursing the wound of being terminated? Remember when we got a surprise tax return for the amount needed to replace the car after it needed a massive repair?

As a couple, we need to memorialize and celebrate His faithfulness! We need to clasp hands with our spouse, run back into the Jordan, and grab those proverbial stones to pile up. Maybe that means capturing God’s faithfulness in a journal. Putting His answers on slips of paper in a mason jar. Or actually writing a word or two on smooth rocks that we place in our garden beds. But as we face the uncertainty of inflation, job insecurity, or Covid pandemic impacts we can look at that those reminders and believe God rather than our fear. Because He has delivered and provided before, and we can trust that He will do it again.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life

What an Attitude Adjustment Can Teach Us About What We DO Have

Trade New Year’s Resolutions for Small Steps that Work!

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What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2

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Published on February 06, 2024 02:00

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2

Simple Superpowers Series, Part 4: Researchers have identified simple superpowers that help us flourish in our lives and relationships. In parts 1 and 2 we looked at gratitude and curiosity and last week we focused on why forgiveness is a superpower. This time, we get practical and cover why we resist forgiving others, and how to actually forgive.

Last week we found that forgiveness leads to incredible health and relationship benefits. So why do we struggle to do it? Why would we resist something that a) God wants us to do, b) research says is good for us, and c) creates the inner-peace we long for?

And just as important: how on earth do we forgive, when we just don’t feel like it? Let’s dive in.

Why do we resist offering forgiveness?

Here are the most consistent objections I hear:

It feels like we are letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. I have a right to be mad.It feels like we’re at risk of losing a sort of perceived advantage. When we forgive and let go, we instinctively feel we are losing the upper hand.Ironically (given the above), we also enjoy having a sort of “victim status.” This allows us to justify things we otherwise wouldn’t.We fear that the record of the person’s offense will somehow fall away if we forgive.We’ve been harmed so deeply that we actually want the other person to suffer.

Now, as we said last time, forgiveness does not diminish grievous hurts. And it doesn’t mean ignoring our legitimate pain or anger. But it does keep us from sinking into a pit of bitterness and avoid identifying as a victim for the long run.

Here’s what I mean. A dear friend of mine was raped as a teenager and that trauma has led to many emotional consequences for her and her husband. Yet she has worked to forgive her rapist, so she can be set free, even as she has worked to hold the man accountable. Forgiveness helps her approach life from a sense of personal agency, strength, and compassion.

The big picture in all this is that we have a sovereign God who cares about fairness and restoration. He values mercy and justice. And this may be hard to hear in some circumstances, but He loves you and the person who hurt you.

Our job is to forgive and let our God sort all the rest out. As I wrote in my devotional Find Joy, “One who forgives finds freedom. And when we find true forgiveness, we find joy.”

So how do we actually do that?

How can we forgive?

We know why we should forgive, and we’ve taken aim at some of the justifications we use for not forgiving … and now we’ve arrived at the million-dollar question:

How do we forgive?

This could never be fully covered in a single article, but the following steps can set us on a path that focuses on finding the will and the strength to forgive – as well as discovering the peace and joy that flows from it.

Step 1: Pray. Start by praying for the other person. It’s really hard to be mad at someone you’re praying for consistently.

Pray also that God will enlarge the capability of your heart to forgive. That He’ll make the desire of your heart line up with the desire of His heart. That He will make you more like Him.

Step 2: Identify with the wrongdoer. In his masterful book “Forgive,” my former pastor, the late Tim Keller, described the importance of viewing others in the very human way we view ourselves. He wrote:

“If somebody has lied to you, you tell yourself, ‘She lied because she is just a liar!’ But if you are ever caught in a lie, and someone asks why you lied, you say, ‘Well, yes, but it’s complicated. I didn’t mean …’ Yes, you did lie, but you are basically a good person. So while you continue to think of yourself as a three-dimensional, complex human being, you start to think of the person who lied to you as a one-dimensional villain.”

Keller gets at something profound. In most cases, seeing others as humans who are doing the best they can postures us to forgive.

There are cases when the wrongdoer is truly motivated by evil, and that requires a different perspective. But in most day-to-day situations where forgiveness is needed – the words our parent said to hurt us, the way our colleague held up our work project – we will do better to see the person through eyes of compassion and, thus, lower their status from a “villain” to a person. Just like us.

Step 3: Trade negative thoughts for positive ones. In a previous professional life, I helped someone by sharing an immense amount of my work. I didn’t get credit, and this really impacted me. But after an appropriate period of saying “ouch,” I realized it was important to not harbor negative feelings about it. Anytime I heard the person’s name from that point on, I thanked God for the good work they were doing and the people who were being impacted.

It set me free.

Rather than rehearse our grievances, let’s rehearse God’s goodness. Hurts and injustices are real, but when we take our eyes off God and put them on our unfair treatment, we actively give that unfair thing the ability to fuel unforgiveness.

Step 4. Take action as needed – but do so from a place of forgiveness (not unforgiveness). There may be times we must take action even as we forgive.

Recently, I was talking to an up-and-coming technology consultant. For the past year she has been working with her firm’s largest client, who is also the firm’s most difficult client. She described the client’s team members as regularly doing things like changing her programming without understanding the system – and then blaming her for the system breaking.

She is worried about being fired, becoming depressed, not sleeping, and snapping at her husband.

So what does she do? Well, from a professional development perspective she probably has to establish boundaries and start documenting performance – hers and theirs. She may need to walk away from the job for her own health.

But in our conversation, what never occurred to her was that the first thing she had to do was forgive. Otherwise, every other step could be driven by anger, self-justification, and even a need for a convenient place to put the blame for snapping at her husband.

“I need to forgive this client for all the emotional consequences I have suffered this year” is a change in motivation that can help this young professional take appropriate actions from a place of strength rather than from bitterness or blame.

Step 5: Make forgiveness a habit. How do habits form? Consistency. And trust me, there are times when people and situations will call us to develop forgiveness-consistency!

There’s a story in the New Testament in which Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive an offense. “Up to seven times?” he asks. But Jesus tells him seventy-seven times. Other translations suggest his wording meant seventy times seven times. I don’t think Jesus literally meant to keep count until Peter got to “77 times” or “490 times.” The idea He was expressing is that He forgives over and over (and over) and He wants us to be like Him.

I’ve had a person in my life for whom 70 x 7 has probably been literal! Maybe you can relate. When that person’s name emerges, I pray for them by name. It’s instinctual now. A habit.

Friends, cultivating the superpower of forgiveness is a habit worth building. Some injuries may have changed the course of our entire lives and others may simply be personal peeves. But in every case, we can make forgiveness a habit. A habit that is an opportunity to put teeth into our faith. A habit that allows us to take what was hurt, and bring healing instead.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life

What an Attitude Adjustment Can Teach Us About What We DO Have

Trade New Year’s Resolutions for Small Steps that Work!

NEW YEAR, NEW US Marriage Bundle Giveaway – It Could Be Yours!

The post What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life – part 2 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life

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Published on January 30, 2024 02:00

What Forgiveness Can Teach Us About Creating a Thriving Life

Simple Superpowers Series, Part 3: Researchers have identified simple superpowers that help us flourish in our lives and relationships. In week 1 we looked at gratitude. Week 2 focused on curiosity. This Part 3 focuses on forgiveness – and it’s so crucial that we’ve broken it up into two separate posts. This week we focus on why forgiveness is essential. Come back next week for practical tips on why we resist forgiving others, and how to actually do it well.

What is something you do for others, that sets you free?

Forgiveness.

It’s a bit like a riddle, isn’t it? Most of us would say we absolutely, one hundred percent, cross-our-hearts-and-hope-to-die agree that forgiveness is important to us. But when it comes to actually forgiving … well, now I’m stepping on some toes.

Trust me, my toes hurt plenty.

I’ve had many opportunities to forgive and to seek forgiveness from others, and I haven’t always gotten either right. Maybe you haven’t either. I’ve heard heart-wrenching stories from many of you – situations in which even the most generous, loving person would find it challenging to forgive.

If I’m not careful, my mind can easily dredge up my own deep hurts. (Of course, my memory is somehow mysteriously blanking on those I have hurt!) My heart can turn to personal betrayals from those I trusted, and care about. Or even professional betrayals from other believers.

As one example, our ministry is still, today, living with the financial consequences of a ministry partner breaking agreements and walking away right before the launch of a joint venture Jeff and I had poured much time and money into. Every time my mind even wanders near that situation, I find a sense of tightness in my chest.

Guess what that means? I’m still working on forgiveness.

Yet even in betrayals, hurts, and hardships, we are commanded to forgive.

Why? And why should we even try?

There are many different reasons found in both scripture and science, and in a moment I’ll unpack a few fascinating findings from the research. But one reason is very clear across all of it:

Forgiveness is a superpower for thriving in life and relationships.

This week, let’s take a look at why that is, and why we should forgive. Next week, we will explore why we resist this amazing superpower, and how to actually forgive.

Why is forgiveness a superpower?

In this life we are 100% sure to be hurt by others. And without forgiveness, we are also 100% sure to be in a regular state of bitterness and anger. Research finds this is extremely damaging. In fact, some researchers are pushing for regular bitterness to be labeled an official medical disorder.

Forgiveness is the only action that can set us free and allow us to live a thriving life instead. Think about it: Even a subconscious decision to “just let it go” and not get furious at the driver who cut us off on the highway is a form of forgiveness.

The mindset and action of forgiveness in ongoing relationships is essential for building strong bonds, deeper intimacy, and relational depth. Our choice to forgive in a difficult situation is a true superpower for every area of life.

Now, let me explicitly state that forgiving someone who has continually or acutely betrayed or abused you is not the same thing as continuing to trust them.

Forgiveness does not require an ongoing relationship. And forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to somehow ignore your legitimate hurt or anger; indeed, processing those feelings is vital. But true forgiveness will set you free in your mind and heart even if you must create boundaries, step away from that relationship, or pursue consequences for someone’s actions.

So there is straightforward self-interest in choosing to forgive (and we’ll come back to that in a moment). But that is not the only reason to do it.

Why should we forgive? Because we have been forgiven.

I know readers of this blog come from all different perspectives of faith, or no faith at all. (Which, I would argue, is another type of faith. But I digress.) Yet the concept of forgiveness is central to the Christian faith for one very important reason.

As the Apostle Paul put it in his letter to the church in the ancient city of Ephesus, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV, emphasis mine).

Our forgiveness of others is always tied to the fact that we have been radically forgiven for our hurts to others – and to God. If we were to dredge up our own mysteriously blank memories about all the ways we have really have damaged people – including the people we love the most – we would probably end up in despair. If we were to honestly catalogue the ways we have betrayed the heavenly Father who created us and loves us, we would see how unworthy we are of coming before His throne.

But, God. The cornerstone of the Christian faith is that Jesus died to pay the ransom for that sin. He defeated sin so that each of us could be forgiven for it. If we were to truly grasp how astounding that reality is, I suspect we would never withhold forgiveness.

For example, in the professional illustration I shared earlier … yes, the leaders of that partner group broke their agreement, and our ministry suffered as a result. But how many times have I, too, made hard decisions that were probably perceived as selfish and hurtful? If I truly grasp how much I have been forgiven, how can I not forgive fellow ministry leaders? We have all fallen short.

The benefits of forgiveness

Beyond the command to forgive, we should also be aware of the astounding benefits of doing so! There are so many studies that examine and quantify the positive effects of forgiveness on health and relationships. Here are just a few:

Forgiveness improves our health and overall wellness

The health impacts of forgiveness are better than any miracle medicine! With forgiveness, there is a lower risk of heart attack, lower depression and anxiety, and lower risk of major psychiatric disorders – among many other positive outcomes.

Simply put, forgiving leads to better living. One study found that children who forgive even do better academically! And Johns Hopkins finds forgiveness leads to more satisfaction in life overall.

Forgiveness helps our relationships

Forgiveness also holds special power in relationships. It’s a way of dislodging ourselves from hurt, resentment, or getting even – all of which are relationships killers. It resets a problem that’s been imprisoning us. Again, it sets us free.

Perhaps a friend betrayed a confidence or your spouse humiliated you in public. Those are hard things. We do get to say “ouch.” We can call out the offense. But withholding forgiveness keeps us in a place of being wounded. Over time, that can lead to:

Staying stuck in a victim mentalityFeeling superior (I would never do what they did)Feeling bitterRetaliating (I want them to hurt, too)

Forgiveness opens up the opposite possibilities! If navigated with goodwill and reciprocated with steps to restore trust, forgiveness can be a powerful glue that builds intimacy and strengthens a marriage or friendship bond into something much stronger than it was before.

Thankfully, we don’t have to do this forgiveness thing alone! One researcher looked at studies published in peer-reviewed journals between – get this – 1872 and 2010 and found that, statistically, people of faith are much better forgivers.

I’m sure one reason why is that God doesn’t just command us to forgive – He helps us to do so.

Check back next week to find out how.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What an Attitude Adjustment Can Teach Us About What We DO Have

Trade New Year’s Resolutions for Small Steps that Work!

NEW YEAR, NEW US Marriage Bundle Giveaway – It Could Be Yours!

What a Unicorn Whale Can Teach Us About Marriage

Simple Superpowers Series, Part 2: What “little things” make the biggest difference in our relationships? Researchers have identified actions that have an outsized impact for human flourishing. We call these the simple superpowers. Last week we looked at gratitude. Today’s Part 2 focuses on curiosity.

Conversation around my kitchen table can range from family life, to research findings, to unicorn whales.

Yes, you read that correctly. Listen in to what Jeff said recently over our morning coffee:

“I was reading this article about the unicorn whales in the Arctic …,” he began.

“About what?” I interrupted.

“About narwhals,” he said. “You know, the narwhal? The whale that has that long unicorn horn.”

I think I told him to stop pulling my leg and I returned to what I was reading.

“I’m not messing with you,” he said, pulling up photos. And suddenly I had a dozen questions. How could I get to be in my fifties and only now discover there’s a real-life unicorn whale that weighs 4,000 pounds and has a tusk (actually an elongated tooth!) that juts 10 feet from its head?

You might be wondering what this has to do with marriage. Here it is:

Curiosity is a superpower.

This little-recognized superpower can change everything in your marriage.

Imagine for a moment that you are on a cruise in the frozen north. Also imagine that, like me, you have no idea that this narwhal creature exists. You’re walking the deck, minding your own business, when all of a sudden you see a long horn breach the surface, attached to a giant sea creature!! You’d have a ton of questions:

Wait! What did I just see? What was that thing? Was that some kind of tusk or was that just ocean debris?

You’d frantically call over your spouse, friends, or anyone to explain what you thought you saw. Your eyes would stay fixed on the water’s surface, hoping for another glimpse. You’d have your phone camera ready. You’d ask a ship steward what on earth that was.

In other words: Because you saw something from under the surface that was visible for a moment, you were instantly curious.

That exact same sense of curiosity is essential for creating and growing great relationships.

The problem is, we often lose that curiosity about the under-the-surface things in our spouse (or our kids, or friends …). If we can recapture it, we have seen in the data that it leads to deepened trust, safety, and intimacy. Here are three steps to doing so.

Action step #1: Look for what’s underneath the surface

How often do we simply not notice that something is going on under the surface? Or something puzzles us… and we shrug and say, “Huh, that’s weird” and then go about our day.

The things that puzzle us are exactly what we should be curious about.

I was talking to a woman whose husband of 30 years was facing serious health issues. Even though she made enough money to cover their bills, he continued to work tons of overtime. She was worried he was harming his health and couldn’t fathom why he was insisting on the extra hours. They had a lot of conflict, but no resolution.

She didn’t realize his puzzling behavior was the equivalent of a narwhal horn breaching the surface: an invitation to investigate something below.

She caught a glimpse of it when I shared with her a statistic from the For Women Only research: Even if their wives earn more than enough money to support their family’s lifestyle, an eye-popping 78% of men still feel it is their job to provide for their family. Providing is often at the core of who they feel they are.

Suddenly, this woman realized that tucked underneath her husband’s behavior was worry: That he wouldn’t be viewed as dependable or successful in the eyes of his wife or community. That he wouldn’t be him if he didn’t work.

Needless to say, it changed her view of the overtime hours. And that allowed them to explore those under-the-surface emotions and grow closer.

Action step #2: Investigate with care

Being curious about weird-but-real ocean creatures can help you win trivia contests, but otherwise the stakes are low. The stakes are higher as you get curious about what’s deep in the heart of a spouse – the feelings they have but don’t know how to communicate.

So as you are curious, be gentle with your spouse’s tender places.

For example, with that “provider” compulsion, our husbands often worry about letting us down. Probing questions could be heard as painful criticism (“Why are you working so much? You’re going to make your health even worse.”) instead of appreciation (“I’m so grateful you care about providing for our family.”) In my research, men have told me they hear the questions better if appreciation comes first. If they just feel the pain, they may keep the deep stuff, well, stuffed.

Or suppose you’re a husband whose wife has seemed upset or distant and you can’t figure out why. Don’t just dismiss it as something you won’t be able to figure out. Instead, put on your curiosity hat and gently ask about it. In our For Men Only research, the vast majority of women wanted their husband to investigate. It showed sensitivity (he noticed something was wrong), value (she was worth pursuing), and love (he cared enough to ask).

Action step #3: Practice curiosity. Every. Single. Day.

This is where curiosity goes from being merely “helpful,” to being a true superpower for relationships. Seriously. Try this for a few weeks and you will see a huge difference.

Every day ask yourself, “What is one thing I can learn about my spouse today?” What is she nervous about at work? What is he looking forward to next weekend? What is a dream, worry, annoyance, or delight that happened this week that you were simply unaware of?

Set out with a sense of curiosity. After all, we will never know all there is to know about our spouse – in part because we are always changing. Think about it: are you the same person your spouse married? Nope! There is always something to learn.

Try genuine, open-ended questions, like:

Tell me more about why this matters to you. I’d love to hear your thoughts about ______. What was the best part of your day? If I could do one thing for you today, what would it be?

Read together – and talk about what you find. Yes, she may read novels and he may like articles about, oh I don’t know, ecosystems of the arctic. But reading something together can invite discovery of things you didn’t know. (Bonus tip: In our research for Secrets of Sex & Marriage, we found that spouses who report their partners as curious are three times more likely to have sex once a week or more. If you’re, ahem, curious about those findings, this is a good book to read together!)

How do you stay curious? I’d love to hear from you in the comments! In the meantime, come back next week as we examine the third superpower to help your relationships thrive.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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