Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 75

Does it really matter how many people were at your wedding, or how much you spent??

Does it really matter how many people were at your wedding, or how much you spent??

By Shaunti Feldhahn

October 20, 2014

You may have seen articles everywhere recently, saying that success factors for a lasting marriage include everything from a cheap wedding, to a large number of people in attendance, to what you thought about your partner’s looks!   I was so curious, I took a look at the actual study behind all those articles (A Diamond is Forever And Other Fairy Tales), which was conducted by economists at Emory University. The study’s authors present their study very narrowly: they were trying to look at whether spending a lot on a wedding correlates to more likely divorce. But in the end, they found a host of success and failure factors, some of which are very meaningful to leaders, counselors, pastors and groups that work in the marriage and family arena.

Attending worship services and having a supportive community matter!

Most importantly, here’s the somewhat dry language from the researchers sharing some factors that matter, beyond the cost of the wedding:

“In the sample of all persons, greater differences in age and education between husband and wife and reporting that one’s partner’s looks were important in the decision to marry are both significantly associated with a higher hazard of divorce. On the other hand, relatively high household income, regularly attending religious services, having a child with one’s partner, relatively high wedding attendance, and going on a honeymoon are all significantly associated with a lower hazard of divorce.”

The lines in red are factors that are important for those working with marriages and families, because they prove that what we are trying to encourage truly matters. In other words, the data says: Going to church matters. Creating family bonds and staying together for the children matters. Having a community of supportive friends and family matters. Prioritizing your marriage and time together matters (the decision to prioritize a honeymoon – no matter your income level — signals something about purposefully prioritizing your marriage).

I’ve copied two graphs about those factors, below. But first, here’s a quick note about where those graphs come from.

One of the most interesting articles about the study is by Randy Olson (a popular data scientist), who created seven easy-to-read graphs from the highly technical study data. At which point, the dry research study from a month earlier that had been completely ignored, became one of the most popular stories discussed in the news. (It’s all about the presentation, right?

Here are two of Olson’s graphs about two of those success factors, along with Olson’s editorial comments:

How often you go to church

Perhaps another important — but unsurprising — finding was that couples who attend church regularly have much stabler marriages. In fact, couples who never go to church are 2x more likely to divorce than regular churchgoers.

How many people attended the wedding

…Crazy enough, your wedding ceremony has a huge impact on the long-term stability of your marriage. Perhaps the biggest factor is how many people attend your wedding: Couples who elope are 12.5x more likely to end up divorced than couples who get married at a wedding with 200+ people. Clearly, this shows us that having a large group of family and friends who support the marriage is critically important to long-term marital stability.

Take a look at this last graph for a minute. If you had more than 100 people at your wedding, you are 84% less likely to divorce, than if you took your vows alone. That says something incredibly powerful about community – and should greatly reassure every pastor who conducts a wedding where the chairs are filled with supportive family and friends.

You might think to yourself, Well, did they have a big wedding simply because they have a higher income, which itself lowers the chance of divorce? Not so fast. Turns out, the researchers found that spending more on the wedding is associated with a higher risk of divorce. The people with lowest risk, had a big wedding, where they spent under $10,000.

Is the average cost of weddings today really $30,000?

One other quick note. Randy Olson shared the same number that has been all over the news recently: that the average wedding today costs $30,000. That sure sounds crazy and a bit discouraging for people who have nowhere near that much to spend.

Here’s the truth: the survey that came up with that $30,000 number was extremely skewed: it was conducted on the site of TheKnot.com, a high-end wedding site! It does not appear to be representative. By contrast, the Emory researchers’ study (which was largely representative) found that among their sample, a full half of respondents spent $5,000 or less!

Yet another lesson in looking closely at the data, before we assume that negative news about marriage is true.

Bottom line: be encouraged about marriage and that your work with marriages matters

When Tally Whitehead and I were writing The Good News About Marriage, we were encouraged to see that so much of the data out there confirms both that 1) marriage in general is much healthier than we’ve all believed, and 2) that all the effort people are putting in to support and help marriages does work!

It is very encouraging to see yet another study, yet another independent and seemingly-robust data source, that confirms that yet again.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Does it really matter how many people were at your wedding, or how much you spent?? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, invest in your husband by saying “thank you.”

Welcome to Marriage Monday! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on  the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other –and which change everything once we do.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

October 20, 2014

Photo Credit: LyndaSanchez via Compfight cc

Tip #34: Wives, invest in your husband by saying “thank you.” 

Every day, our men wake up and head out to “conquer” the world. Or, rather, the worlds of work, finances, home, school, kids’ activities, sports… We think we understand that, right?

Turns out, we don’t. Not quite. Because in his mind, it isn’t about “juggling” everything. Instead, every one of those spheres have a very, very specific set of expectations of him. Expectations that he is desperately trying to meet. And at a deep level, he doubts that he is adequate to the task.

You see, a man may look confident on the outside, but on the inside, he is constantly asking himself, “Do I measure up?” Do I measure up as a provider and protector? As the husband my wife needs? As a dad? I want to be a great dad… but am I? Every day he is pouring out his effort… and wondering whether the most important person in his life thinks he has hit the mark.

So how can you invest in him in return? How can you show him that he is a great husband or father? Believe it or not, one of the most powerful ways to show your husband how you feel about him, is by looking for daily opportunities to say two little words: “thank you.”

In my research For Women Only and The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, I interviewed and surveyed thousands of men, in part to solve one thorny problem: what is it that you can say to a man that conveys all you feel about him? After all, guys kind of get off easy in the “what to say” department, right? When he says those precious words, “I love you,” we hear ten different things. Not just I feel such affection for you, but sentiments like You’re mine and I would choose you all over again.

The problem is, the men in the research broke the news that, for them, hearing “I love you” is nice but really doesn’t have that same sort of emotional impact. Instead, what deeply touches your husband’s heart is “thank you.” “Thank you for clipping the hedges even though you weren’t feeling well today.” “Thank you for being willing to pick up the kids when I got stuck in a meeting – you’re a wonderful husband.” “Thank you for working so hard to support the family.”

Those sentiments are stuff we may think but we don’t say often enough. And since a man’s primary need is appreciation and respect, we need to get in the habit of saying it! I had one man tell me that he worked a grueling job as a sales executive. He would come home drained and tired after long hours and late-night meetings. His wife would give him a huge hug, and say, “Thank you for how you provide for our family. You do such a great job!” He says, “Those words were all the encouragement I needed. Hearing ‘thank you’ means that she noticed what I did, appreciates it, and says it was good.” He said it makes him feel like he has on a superman cape, and can take on the world!

I know that to us, it sounds so impossible that those two little words could make such a difference emotionally. So don’t take my word for it: try it. The next time your husband is heading out the door for work or completing a chore in the yard, make an investment in his emotional bank account by saying “thank you.” Let him know you see what he has done, and appreciate his efforts. Your deposit of respect and appreciation will speak volumes to his heart.

And don’t give up if it takes a while to see him respond. Usually, a purposeful attention to saying “thank you” will show dividends immediately, but sometimes hurts and doubt have built a wall that takes a while to overcome. So make this a long-term investment in your relationship and don’t give up. Just like a seed that is planted and has to be watered, an investment may not always deliver results right away – but in time it will grow to produce something beautiful.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Drawn from For Women Only.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, invest in your husband by saying “thank you.” appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A reader question about divorce rates for two subgroups, those with Aspergers and lawyers

Reader Question: “Regarding two specific demographics…if the 50% divorce rate is not true, what about the divorce rates for certain sub groups, like those with Aspergers (may be as high as 80%) or lawyers (60%)? Are those stats true? If they are, does that in comparison to the true divorce percentages make it an event worse, and more discouraging, ratio? If they aren’t true, how would I find information for what IS true?”

Answer from Shaunti and Tally: Here’s what we know and don’t know. It is always possible that we have missed something, but so far we haven’t seen a single actual research project of any kind that has studied specific sub-groups like you mention (attorneys, special needs families, and so on), and has concluded that the divorce rate among those groups is a high number such as 60% or 80%. We, too, have seen those high numbers quoted on many websites and in many talks, magazine articles and blogs, but we have not yet found any that appear legitimate – such as from an organization commissioning a survey to find out the real state of things.

What we have seen are several attempts to estimate how much higher divorce is among such-and-such a group, based on the foundation of a 50% divorce rate. Here’s a hypothetical example: a ministry to families with chronically ill children, or an organization serving recovering alcoholics, might try to estimate divorce numbers starting from 50%. They might reason that if the average rate were 50%, and if caring for chronically ill children or a recovering alcoholic creates an even greater challenge, that those families’ divorce rates might be 80%. But, again, we haven’t yet found a study that has looked at it “from scratch” (so to speak) and found those kinds of numbers.

What we have also seen is several references to studies that found no differences between the subgroups and overall society – and found numbers that are more encouraging, and which match my Good News About Marriage findings more closely. For example, a WebMD article () references a 2010 study of families with autistic children. The researcher concluded that, “In fact what we found is that children with autism remained with both biological or adoptive parents 64% of the time, compared with children in families without autism, who remained [with both biological or adoptive parents] 65% of the time.”

So bottom line, in most cases, we simply don’t know which sub groups truly do have higher divorce rates, and if so, what those are.

What we do know is that, as noted in The Good News About Marriage, the average first-marriage divorce rate overall is probably closer to 20-25% and for all marriages is 31%. There are many factors that reduce divorce rate risk, and others that increase it. Analytically, it would make sense that certain intense challenges would increase divorce rate risks… but it is also possible that those same challenges could make it more likely for a couple to stay together. (For example, in a special-needs family, it is common that despite marital challenges, a couple will stay together for the sake of the child… which then allows them to get past the crisis time and, sometimes at least, move forward in a better way.)

If anyone has seen any actual studies about specific sub groups that they want to share (such as families with special-needs children), I would be interested in seeing them!

The post A reader question about divorce rates for two subgroups, those with Aspergers and lawyers appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A reader question about divorce rates for lawyers and those with Aspergers

Reader Question: “Regarding two specific demographics…if the 50% divorce rate is not true, what about the divorce rates for lawyers (60%) and those with Aspergers (may be as high as 80%)? Are those stats true? If they are, does that in comparison to the true divorce percentages make it an event worse, and more discouraging, ratio? If they aren’t true, how would I find information for what IS true?

Answer from Shaunti and Tally: Here’s what we know and don’t know. It is always possible that we have missed something, but so far we haven’t seen a single actual research project of any kind that has studied specific sub-groups like you mention (attorneys, special needs families, and so on), and has concluded that the divorce rate among those groups is a high number such as 60% or 80%. We, too, have seen those high numbers quoted on many websites and in many talks, magazine articles and blogs, but we have not yet found any that appear legitimate – such as from an organization commissioning a survey to find out the real state of things.

What we have seen are several attempts to estimate how much higher divorce is among such-and-such a group, based on the foundation of a 50% divorce rate. Here’s a hypothetical example: a ministry to families with chronically ill children, or an organization serving recovering alcoholics, might try to estimate divorce numbers starting from 50%. They might reason that if the average rate were 50%, and if caring for chronically ill children or a recovering alcoholic creates an even greater challenge, that those families’ divorce rates might be 80%. But, again, we haven’t yet found a study that has looked at it “from scratch” (so to speak) and found those kinds of numbers.

What we have also seen is several references to studies that found no differences between the subgroups and overall society – and found numbers that are more encouraging, and which match my Good News About Marriage findings more closely. For example, a WebMD article () references a 2010 study of families with autistic children. The researcher concluded that, “In fact what we found is that children with autism remained with both biological or adoptive parents 64% of the time, compared with children in families without autism, who remained [with both biological or adoptive parents] 65% of the time.”

So bottom line, in most cases, we simply don’t know which sub groups truly do have higher divorce rates, and if so, what those are.

What we do know is that, as noted in The Good News About Marriage, the average first-marriage divorce rate overall is probably closer to 20-25% and for all marriages is 31%. There are many factors that reduce divorce rate risk, and others that increase it. Analytically, it would make sense that certain intense challenges would increase divorce rate risks… but it is also possible that those same challenges could make it more likely for a couple to stay together. (For example, in a special-needs family, it is common that despite marital challenges, a couple will stay together for the sake of the child… which then allows them to get past the crisis time and, sometimes at least, move forward in a better way.)

If anyone has seen any actual studies about specific sub groups that they want to share (such as families with special-needs children), I would be interested in seeing them!

The post A reader question about divorce rates for lawyers and those with Aspergers appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, see his anger as a legitimate signal of pain – and address it with respect

Welcome to Marriage Monday! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on  the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other –and which change everything once we do.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

October 13, 2014

Tip #33: Wives, see his anger as a legitimate signal of pain – and address it with respect

Every relationship – even the happiest ones! — will have moments of conflict. And how we deal with that conflict can make the relationship stronger…. or really hurt it.

Ladies, one of the clearest examples of this is what happens when you’re in a time of “intense marital fellowship” (as a friend of mine puts it), and your man gets really angry. Maybe he confronted you after his office party about how you teased him in front of his colleagues, and says he can’t believe you betrayed him like that.

Now, you are not only upset, you are taken aback by the strength of his anger. Things are poised to go from bad to worse, fast. What do you do?

First: don’t sit back and cross your arms and say that your man just needs some Anger Management 101. Remember: the Bible says “in your anger, don’t sin.” It does not say that anger is a sin. In other words: Not all anger is abusive. Not all anger is inappropriate. There certainly is such a thing as inappropriate anger, and any man who verbally or physically abuses his wife needs intervention, fast. But this is not the type of anger I am referring to.

What I am referring to is truly legitimate anger –an outward signal of very real internal pain.

So this leads to the second thing to do: realize that your husband’s anger is a signal that he has been truly hurt by something you have said or done. Maybe you didn’t realize how much pain your teasing would cause him, but regardless, it clearly did. And your man is not alone.

In my research with thousands of men and women, I’ve learned that anger for men is like crying for women. When we are hurt, we women often find tears leaking down our cheeks – and we want to be able to cry without being accused of being manipulative or disregarded as an emotional basket case. Just as we express those emotions in our way, men often express emotions in their way.

What are those underlying emotions – what is it that hurts so badly? Well, usually, anger arises from feeling disrespected or being seen as inadequate– which is a man’s most excruciating feeling. In my surveys, more than 80% of men agreed that this was their source of anger during disagreements with their wives.

Once we learn to see anger as a signal of pain, we can dramatically change our response to it, and avoid being counterproductive. You see, when things get heated, and our own female pain runs high (we are usually feeling unloved) our faces and voices can signal even more disrespect. Maybe your voice gets higher and more staccato, or your facial expression changes as you reply, “Betray you? I came to that stupid party tonight instead of my sister’s dinner, just to support you!” Maybe your words became guided missiles aimed at a vulnerable target: your husband’s surprisingly soft heart.

One lady told me she used to have terrible arguments in which her husband would become so angry, he would walk away. But of course, the wife would then feel even more insecure about his love, and found herself crying, and screaming accusations at him; her disrespectful words became fuel for the conflict. She found out later that he was upset because he was hearing wave after wave of accusations that he was a terrible husband – which is not what she was trying to say.

Her solution is a good one for all of us: She learned to take deep breaths, bring her voice down, pause if needed, and think about how to say things so as to avoid words that he would take as an accusation or a charge of inadequacy. She thought about what she could say that would be as respectful as possible. As a result, her husband no longer felt attacked and he stopped getting angry, even during conflict. Today, even when one or both are upset, they are now able to discuss things together.

So the next time anger arises and emotions are high, think about how to do the same. Maybe take a break from the discussion with the intent to finish business once you can respond well, even if he doesn’t. Start back with a respectful tone and words. If appropriate, give him a word of apology (“Honey, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about how that might embarrass you.”) And it will begin to heal the wounds if you find a way to affirm your respect and appreciation for him. (“You work so hard to provide for our family, thank you.” “It was cool to hear your boss’s story about the great job you did on that sales presentation.”)

A wise woman will learn to practice translating her man’s anger as a simple sign of feeling disrespected. Let’s give our man room to be human; specifically, room to be male.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Drawn from For Women Only.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, see his anger as a legitimate signal of pain – and address it with respect appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A surprising secret…about MY happy marriage

I got a great surprise a couple of weeks ago, just days before Jeff and I celebrated our 20th anniversary – yes, 20th, woohoo!! We got a contact through our website that was so out of the blue, my assistant actually thought it might be spam! A woman who was an assistant at a small church in Massachusetts said she was looking through old files and found one containing the marriage license and wedding program for a Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn back in 1994. This sweet lady was worried that if she had the marriage license, maybe it never got filed and Jeff and Shaunti weren’t actually married! She contacted my assistant, who assured her that yes, we are actually married. It turns out, that was a file from our old pastor back in Massachusetts (who had flown to Washington DC to conduct our wedding ceremony).

It was such a treat to be reminded of that great wedding day; a day we all too often forget. So that is my challenge for all of us this month: if things have gotten a little bit stagnant or challenging, think back to that great day and remember why you married this person. Get back into the same habits you had in the first blush of love, when you would give your spouse a break when they hurt your feelings (“I’m sure he didn’t mean to”). Look at him or her and mentally recite all that you have to be grateful for – and then tell your spouse those things. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” It is so easy to forget, isn’t it? Let’s agree that we shouldn’t have to have a copy of our marriage licenses arrive out of the blue to be mindful of those things that will keep us delighted with our marriages!

The post A surprising secret…about MY happy marriage appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

An Open Letter from Shaunti Feldhahn in response to the Focus on the Family Singapore school program controversy”

“An Open Letter from Shaunti Feldhahn in response to the Focus on the Family Singapore school program controversy” 

I have seen the news reports about the current questions and concerns raised by a student about the FOTF program taught in schools. It appears that some significant portions of your program were based on my research with men, women, teenage boys and teenage girls over the past 12 years. Even though I do not have much time to reply, I wanted to get you a little bit of information and offer a perspective, in case it helps you discuss this with the government. Especially since I see that the latest news is that the Ministry of Education is saying (at least for now) that the program will cease by the end of the year.

Here is my quick perspective:

In 2009, the government agency then known as MCYS brought in me and Jeff to conduct programs for several thousand young professional singles and college students, as well as train-the-trainer sessions for several hundred leaders and counselors who work in the marriage and family arena. (I met several Focus on the Family Singapore representatives at those train-the-trainer sessions.) At those events, Jeff and I shared the results of our many years of rigorous research, as published in books such as For Women Only and For Men Only as well as the teenage versions that were based on extensive studies with high school and college students.

The Government of Singapore brought us in because they were (and are) trying to encourage the establishment of healthy relationships and, eventually, marriages and families. This was a highly successful series of events that we hope to do again at some point in the future. These efforts by the government were designed to be both encouraging and preventative rather than simply fixing problems. The idea was to AVOID the social and economic problems seen so often in the U.S. as we have trended away from healthy family formation. Every sociologist in the world essentially acknowledges that a married two-parent family gives children (and the couple themselves) the greatest chance of thriving in life. Not that single parents cannot give children a great start, but that the odds are much better in a healthy marriage. And a healthy marriage has much better odds of forming if young people have healthy understanding of relationships and each other from the beginning.

Thus, the government brought us in to share our research not only to help individuals, but also as a way to help independent organizations and counselors create and deliver the very types of ‘healthy relationships programs’ that FOTF then created for the school system. (As you noted, your program is not a sexuality program but one for healthy relationships.) Because our research is extensive, scientifically rigorous and statistically valid across all age groups and ethnic backgrounds, it provides a good foundation for a strong education in those key elements that young people and married couples most need to know.

One of the key reasons why a good train-the-trainer program was needed, was that this research can also be misunderstood, as demonstrated by the Facebook post from Agatha Tan. While the vast majority of readers (and, it sounds like, your program participants) are supportive and find it extremely helpful and life-changing, there are some who, historically, misunderstand or misread the research. A clear example is the explanation of the ultra-visual brain wiring of men and boys. We are careful to say that this male brain wiring makes it difficult if not impossible for a man to avoid noticing a woman who is dressed provocatively (only 2% said they wouldn’t notice) – but that each man has a choice of how to handle that reaction (to respect the woman in his thought life and actions, or not). And yet there are always a few women who completely miss what we are saying and arrive at the conclusion that we’re saying “boys will be boys and there’s nothing we can do about it.” Similarly, as you know, since many men want to honor women but find themselves confronted by explicit images they would prefer not to see, we think it is important to emphasize that BOTH men and women, boys and girls, have a responsibility here. We emphasize the ned for men and boys to respect women, but also for women and girls to respect men. We strongly disagree with the idea that teaching the brain wiring and mutual respect is somehow contributing to a “rape culture.” That is a clear misunderstanding, and it confuses the real and important issue and teaching that will help both men and women.

It is my hope that you will ask for a meeting with the government ministry that is currently considering whether or not to discontinue your program. I urge you to show them that this is based on years of rigorous research, and to ask them to consider that this type of healthy relationships program is exactly the sort of program the government was wanting to create to educate and encourage young people now, in order to form healthy families later. While I don’t know the specifics of what your program involves, and I’m assuming there are always improvements and changes that can be made to any initiative, I hope that you and the government officials involved do not give up on something that already has, and will continue to, set a great foundation for Singapore’s future.

With appreciation,

Shaunti Feldhahn

The post An Open Letter from Shaunti Feldhahn in response to the Focus on the Family Singapore school program controversy” appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

A “Record Share of Americans Have Never Married.” Really??

Here’s another recent example of news headlines giving a way too discouraging view of marriage, based on a study that really wasn’t discouraging.

I just read the entire September 24, 2014 Pew Report, “Record Share of Americans Have Never Married.” Although the report itself is fascinating and valuable, its headline and the many news reports about it (“More Americans Forego Marriage”! “I do? No Thanks!”) are giving a far too discouraging picture of the state of marriage.   The only reason for the ‘record share of Americans have never married’ headline is that the Pew researchers were looking at those who had never married by the age of 25. As the report itself says, the median age of marriage for women today is 27, and for men it is 29… rendering their boundary of age 25 almost meaningless.

The headline would have been far more accurate – and far less discouraging – if it would have said “Record share of Americans getting married in late twenties.”

This is yet another reason why it is so critical that people get a quick primer into the actual, encouraging truths about marriage today – so they can see the holes in these types of news reports when they read them.

The other commonly-featured and seemingly-alarming statement from the Pew report is this:

Today’s young adults are slow to tie the knot, and a rising share may end up not getting married at all. According to Pew Research projections based on census data, when today’s young adults reach their mid-40s to mid-50s, a record high share (25%) is likely to have never been married.

Yeah? And according to my projections for my family income, when I reach my mid-50’s a record high number will be in my bank account! Why? Because that is the wishful-thinking assumption I just made in my calculations. Just like the Pew researchers explained, in the fine-print text that nobody reads, that they’re assuming that since several generations of young adults have been “slower to tie the knot”, leading to 5-10% never getting married at all, that the “slow” will automatically become “never” at higher and higher rates. Leading to the frightening-looking number of “25% never getting married at all by 2030.”

Could it end up being that way? Sure. Is it likely? Based on my own and many other research studies, I don’t think so. Most researchers find that most single adults want to be married someday. They are more likely to live together first – in part because of the widespread caution about marriage spread by headlines like these! – but they still eventually get married. Yes, if we extrapolate the current trends out to a ridiculous degree, the “never married” numbers could theoretically reach 25% within fifteen years.

But that’s sort of like being ten pounds overweight, losing about a pound each week because you start running, and extrapolating that you could theoretically lose fifty pounds if you run every day for a year. At some point there’s a natural ceiling. I think it is highly likely the same holds true for marriage.

Yes, marriage rates are declining somewhat. But mostly, people are just waiting longer to get married. And since that preserves marriages (those who get married later are far less likely to divorce), eventually we can expect people to see long-lasting marriages everywhere, realize that excessive cynicism is no longer warranted, and become a bit more positive about marriage again.

Now we just have to figure out a way for news reporters to do the same.

The post A “Record Share of Americans Have Never Married.” Really?? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Husbands, get in the habit of telling your wife she is beautiful.

Welcome to Marriage Monday! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on  the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other –and which change everything once we do.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

October 6, 2014

Tip #32: Husbands, get in the habit of telling your wife she is beautiful.

Every little girl dreams of finding her prince and knowing she is his princess. Husbands, you need to know that even after years of marriage, your wife probably still has some of that little girl inside. A little girl who wants to know she is still your leading lady. And one of the greatest ways you can get that truth to “stick” is by regularly telling your wife she is beautiful!

Our surveys found that inside nearly every woman is a deep desire to know she is beautiful. This is true no matter what age she is, or how successful or confident she may be.

You may be thinking, “But I do think my wife is beautiful!” The thing is, it’s easy to forget to put the thought into words! The best thing you can do is take every opportunity to tell her you feel that way.

Think about the last few times you both went out together—like on a date night or out with friends. It is very likely that your wife put in effort to look nice. Maybe she bought a new outfit to catch your eye, or took extra time on her hair and makeup. As you continued on to the restaurant or movie, did you ever hear her ask, “Honey, how do I look?”

Her question is pointing to her hope that you will say those magic words: how pretty she looks.

You see, every day your wife is bombarded with constant images from the media setting unrealistic expectations for beauty. These images tell her she must lose more weight, be sexier, look younger or dress better. It can take its toll on even the most confident of women. I know you want to make your wife happy, and the best relief you can give her from that pressure, the best antidote you can find for the forever-young, forever-size-two Photoshop expectations of this culture, is the encouragement of hearing how beautiful she is to you, in all her individuality.

One man told me that on his 30th anniversary, he did something he had never thought to do before: he took his wife’s lipstick and wrote on the mirror in their bathroom: “You are the most beautiful woman I know.” Three months later, that message was still there. She couldn’t bear to wash it off.

So find ways to say it out loud, and put it in writing. When you have date nights or she gets dressed up in a pretty outfit, tell her how amazing she looks. If you need to, take a sticky note and stick it on your computer or in your closet to help you remember. You’ll see so much delight on her face – you’ll see her start to believe it – as you get into the habit of putting into words that she is the most beautiful woman in the world to you.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Drawn from   For Men Only .

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Image credit: “Beautiful Gaia” by Lili Vieira de Carvalho is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

The post Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Husbands, get in the habit of telling your wife she is beautiful. appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, have realistic expectations and share them with your husband

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join us here in the Book Corner as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on what makes happy marriages so happy, based on nationally-representative research with more than 1,000 couples.

From the Christian Post Book Corner

Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

September 29, 2014

Tip #31: Wives, have realistic expectations and share them with your husband

Happy spouses help create happy marriages! Makes sense right? And it turns out that one of the things that will keep you happy – and thus your marriage happy – is avoiding a situation where you are likely to experience unmet expectations.

Let me give you an example. How many times have you been in a situation where you felt disappointed – or could have felt disappointment if you let yourself? Maybe you went out for a few hours to relax while your husband was with the kids …only to come home to find him playing with the kids and the house looking like a small tornado whipped through it!

Instantly, the thought goes through your mind, I went out to relax! Why didn’t he pick up? Now I have to pick up! So much for relaxing!

I think many wives can relate to that sort of scenario… and it turns out the first key to happiness in marriage is what you think in the very next moment. I’ve done a bunch of researchon what makes happy vs. unhappy marriages and the moment you start to feel disappointed it is critical to make sure you’re focusing on the very real positives, not just the very real negatives.  In other words: Instead of just looking at what your husband isn’t doing – look at what he is doing! Maybe he didn’t clean the house but he was spending priceless time pouring into your children while you were out.

And then evaluate whether it is really realistic to be disappointed. After all… did you talk to your husband before you left about your expectations for when you came home? Or did you just assumethat he’d think about cleaning, not just playing?

I mean, think about it: It’s amazing how we often can expect something from our spouse that we have never actually communicated to them. As much as we might wish they were, our husbands are not mind readers. With the scenario of coming home to a messy house, it is a legitimate desire to not have to clean up when you’re supposed to be relaxing. But maybe, just maybe, it is a bit unrealistic toexpect that someone who isn’t wired that way, will automatically think that through.

Or maybe …maybe he was thinking that through and was anticipating that he and the kids would clean up later, so you wouldn’t have to. Don’t automatically assume the worst.

If he is like 99% of other men (yes, that is a real statistic from our surveys), your husband cares about you, wants to make you happy and doesn’t want to cause disappointment. He wasn’t intending to disappoint you. So what he needs is a clear picture of what you are expecting. If there is something that matters to you, it will help to give him specifics: “It would make me feel so much better if you could put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher before 4:00 when I get home.”

This is a specific – and presumably realistic — example of a way he can make you happy and give you the break that he wanted to give you.

And finally: be aware of one probable expectation – or at least a hope! – on his part: that if he did make you happy, you let him know! In general, when we let each other know what we are expecting or hoping for, we avoid disappointments that didn’t need to happen. And when we focus on what the other is doing right instead of doing wrong, we’ll be much more likely to see those good things again.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Drawn from  For Women Only  and  For Men Only .

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. (Inquire about Shaunti speaking, or visit www.shaunti.com for more.)

 

The post Marriage Monday From Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, have realistic expectations and share them with your husband appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.