Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 73

How can I get my wife off my back when it comes to health and fitness?

Dear Shaunti,

My wife is constantly nagging me about taking care of myself, but I feel like I’m doing a good enough job where that is concerned. I work out sometimes, and try to eat healthy when I can, although I do enjoy some junk food! Lately, I’ve been noticing that she seems to be less receptive to my advances and doesn’t seem to be as passionate about me as she was before. She keeps bugging me to go out and walk with her after dinner. How can I get her off my back and us back on track ?  

Sincerely,

Confused Hubby

Dear Confused Hubby,

How can you get her off your back? Dude, you are completely missing the point of what she’s been trying to tell you! If you want her to wake up to your advances, you’re gonna have to wake up to her concern. Believe it or not, how healthy you are really matters to your wife—and apparently, she doesn’t think you’re doing as good of a job as you do.

She’s not unusual in caring about this, by the way. Even though women aren’t as “visual” as men are, the effort men put into taking care of themselves and being healthy has a huge impact on women. Why? I saw two things in my research that you really need to know.

First, your wife cares about whether you’re taking care of yourself because she cares about you and wants you around! I have heard so many women say things like, “Doesn’t he understand how important it is to me that he stays healthy so I have the security that he is going to be around for a long time and we can grow old together?”

Guys may not realize it, but when they’re in front of the TV multiple nights in a row, double-fisting Oreos, it can register in a woman’s heart as, “It must not matter to him how much I need him.”

You may be surprised to know that it’s not just about what you eat, or taking a walk after dinner, either.  The big health issues matter too. Women need to see that their man will actually go to the doctor when something seems wrong, rather than being stubborn about it!

The second reason your health matters to her gets back to that bedroom thing. I know from my research that every man wants to feel desired by his wife—and that feeling desired gives him confidence in every other area of his life. However, what many men don’t realize is how much their wives’ sexual desire is hindered by their own lack of effort to take care of themselves

In fact, in my women’s conferences I’ve heard a lot of women say, “Doesn’t he get it? It’s hard to find him desirable when he doesn’t take care of himself!”

As my husband, Jeff, put it when he talks to men’s groups, “If we want our wives to find us desirable and provide them security, that means we have to make the effort to take care of ourselves, too. Most guys wish their wives would be more receptive in the bedroom, but we’re not seeing our role in the disconnect. In our interviews and surveys of women, many of them have privately said, ‘You know, it’s hard to be receptive and passionate towards a guy with a two-day-old beard and garlic breath!’”

So what do you do about all of this? Well, take her desire for your health seriously – and take advantage of the fact that she wants to help you! Go for that walk! Stop bringing the junk food into the house. Even (gasp!) go to the doctor when you feel sick or you have some other health issue. These small gestures will not only make her feel really loved, but my bet is that that love will translate into exactly what you’re looking for—an increased desire to be with you and a greater receptiveness to your advances.

I hope that having a shared goal towards health will be a real encouragement as you each see the other person make the effort to care for themselves, while knowing it will benefit their mate. What a great way to honor each other—now and for a very long time to come! Let me know how it goes!

Photo Credit: tubedogg via Compfight cc

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post How can I get my wife off my back when it comes to health and fitness? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Father Wound of Anger

The Father Wound of ANGER

Guest post by Michelle J. Watson, PhD, LPC

drmichellewatson.com

If you were to walk up to me and ask, “Michelle, if you could give me one piece of advice about where to deliberately focus my attention so that I’m not perpetuating the cycle of father wounds onto my daughter, what would it be?” Without hesitation I would say: Stop venting your anger at your daughter.

Your anger destroys her spirit.

Your anger shuts her down.

Your anger makes her give up.

Your anger makes her believe that she is unloveable and unworthy and not worth loving.

Your anger crushes the core of who she is.

Even if you feel justified in your expression of anger at her, stop and first ground yourself before exploding. I hear more stories from girls on how their dad’s anger deeply impacts them than I do anything else about their dads. I see the pain in their eyes as they tell the story and my heart breaks because I know their dads love them but oftentimes when he’s has had one too many things go wrong in his day with little to no margin left, he comes home and his daughter gets the fumes. It doesn’t take much for him then to blow, often treating her in a way that he later regrets, but by then the damage is done. She is left bleeding on the inside.

Remember Dad that you are modeling for her the way that she should expect to be treated by a guy she dates and a guy she one day will marry.

Recall how gently you held her, careful not to break her. You took extra precaution so as not to drop her head or jiggle her body too aggressively. You made sure you didn’t talk too loud or shout in order not to scare her. Do you remember that feeling of being overwhelmed with her adorable little features while thinking that you had never held anything so small or beautiful.

Truth be told: This is how you still need to think of “holding her.” She is still just as delicate on the inside as the day she was born. She needs to be handled with kid gloves.

One key thing that my dad has had to do with me is soften his tone in order to connect with me (and sometimes it’s been me who has had to soften with him so I know this goes both ways). I know this is something that doesn’t come naturally for him or any man for that matter but it can be done!

I believe that a man can change his anger patterns by truly looking at the one he loves in her eyes to see into her soul. I’m not expecting you to be super human or perfect but do want to challenge you to make a commitment today to make a new covenant with your mouth to not vent anger at your daughter from this day forward. When triggered, just walk away and ground yourself first before responding.

Make a decision to consistently water your beautiful flower with your words of life!

Author bio: Michelle Watson has had a clinical counseling practice in Portland, Oregon for the past 17 years. She is founder of The Abba Project, a forum to equip dads with daughters ages 13 to 30 to dial in with more intention, and author of the recently released book Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart. Please visit www.drmichellewatson.com for more information.

Photo Credit: John Brawley via Compfight cc

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Marriage Monday: Wives, let your husband think things through before pressing to talk

Tip #40: Wives, let your husband think things through before pressing to talk

Last week at an event, a woman told me, “I’m so frustrated at my husband. He’s a great guy, but I feel like he’s an avoider. The minute I bring up something hard, he refuses to talk about it. Like this morning. He wouldn’t agree to challenge the kids’ teacher about something she is doing, and I was telling him all the reasons I think we should, but then he wouldn’t even talk about it to explain his reasoning!”

Most of us women can empathize, right? When you are upset and need to process something, including something going on with your husband, your gut reaction is to pour out the streams of thoughts and all the pros and cons, and the many conversations that are playing in your head, and get feedback from your man as you go.

But in all my research, what I’ve learned about men is this: Don’t be surprised if you are met by glazed eyes instead. Or even a look that says, “I’m about to run for the hills. Or at least the TV room.”

It can be terribly frustrating when you want to talk things out and he seems to be avoiding it. It can feel like resistance to your view or, worse, like laziness. Or even a complete disinterest in your concerns.

But before you assume that, consider whether it might be something else entirely. Something that is very, very common to men.

If you are like most women, you think things through by talking them through. All the connections between the left and right hemispheres of your brain probably make that your default way of processing something. And you can talk and think about many thoughts and feelings at the same time.

But the brains of most men (perhaps including yours!) are wired very differently. In most cases, it is actively difficult for a guy to think something through by talking it through. And that includes thinking about what he is thinking. Yes, you read that right! In a difficult conversation, when he’s challenged to explain what he’s thinking, he may not know what he’s thinking yet. His brain needs to process it internally, first.

Even worse, if his wife presses him to talk before he’s had a chance to process it, or if there is a lot of emotion swirling, it becomes even more difficult for him to think things through. So he automatically feels a need to get even more distance.

In other words, in many cases, when he “escapes” to the TV room or goes for a drive, it isn’t to ignore or avoid the situation but to get space to process.

In emotional or challenging situations, it is easy to believe that your husband is an “avoider,” or just doesn’t care. But for many men, a delay in response comes because he does care. In order to give a good response – rather than a throwaway one — they want and need to process all aspects of the situation first. Including your feelings.

I shared this with the lady at the event that day, and said, “Do you think maybe he just needed to think about what to do first – and how to talk to you about it – before agreeing to a course of action?” She thought about it for a second, and then slowly nodded. “That could be it. I need to ask him.”

The best way to learn your man’s wiring is just to ask. But do it at some non-emotional time! For example some morning over coffee ask, “When we are in the middle of a conflict and you need time to process it, when do you usually feel able to talk about it? Does that mean a few hours later? The next day…?”

This also has the benefit of validating him. That he’s wired differently–and that’s ok.

Find out how your husband likes to communicate best, and you’ll be so much better prepared to work with his wiring rather than against it. And you’ll also find that a good resolution –and eventual conversation! — is much more likely.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Photo Credit: A&A Photography Services via Compfight cc

This post first appeared as part of Marriage Mondays at Christian Post. Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

The post Marriage Monday: Wives, let your husband think things through before pressing to talk appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How do I handle being the only grown-up in my relationship?

Dear Shaunti:

My husband has an anger problem, and I don’t know how to handle it. We’ve always had “intense discussions,” but lately he’s been getting furious and walking away. Last night, we got into a fight on our way out of a restaurant, just because I told him that he shouldn’t have eaten so much, and he definitely shouldn’t have had dessert. He actually walked away and left me standing at the door! It was a good thing I had my keys in my purse or I would’ve been stranded, as well. He is like a little kid who can’t handle criticism and throws a tantrum. How do I get him to handle his anger better?

-The Only Grown-up

Dear Only:

I just have to ask: have you ever considered that maybe-just maybe—it isn’t only your husband who needs to handle things better?

I’m not saying you’re to blame, but you can’t just continue to sit back, cross your arms and say that your man needs some Anger Management 101, without examining why he’s getting so angry. A lot of women don’t realize that a man’s anger is often very legitimate: an outward signal of very real internal pain.

In my research, I’ve seen that anger for men is like crying for women. When we are hurt, we women often find tears leaking down our cheeks – and we want to be able to cry without being judged for the tears. In a similar way, anger is often a man’s signal of being hurt — and they don’t want to be judged, either.

What “hurts” our big, strong men? Well, underneath that outward strength they often have a soft heart and a deep need to be respected. So what hurts, usually, is the feeling that he’s being disrespected by those he most cares about. In my surveys, more than 80% of men agreed that this was the source of their anger during a fight with their wives.  Above all, a man wants to measure up in her eyes. And it is excruciating when he feels that she is saying, instead, “you’re inadequate” or “you failed.” Or, even, “grow up.”

Ahem.

Here’s what often happens next. In response to that intense hurt, intense anger rears up and a man wants to punch something. But because he loves his wife, he has to control his anger. Beyond a certain point, unleashing it in words or actions would be damaging, hurtful and unhealthy. So the only thing he can do in that moment of fury is to get as much distance as possible, so that he doesn’t handle it poorly.

In other words: when your husband withdraws, leaves you with the keys, and walks home, he is probably doing it in order to process his anger in a better way than his initial instincts would lead him to.

Does that mean your husband was right to leave you at the restaurant? Does that mean he always handles his anger well? Not necessarily. But this pattern you’ve described doesn’t necessarily mean that the anger itself is wrong, either.   Let me bring in a biblical perspective for a second. The bible says “in your anger do not sin.” It doesn’t say anger itself is a sin. There certainly is inappropriate anger, and any man who verbally or physically abuses his wife needs intervention, fast. But that doesn’t seem to be what you are describing here.

Maybe you simply didn’t realize that your husband – like most men — would see your critical comments as saying “you’ve failed.” Maybe you didn’t realize he would feel humiliated. Well, now you know. And now you know that when you see anger on his part, it is a signal of legitimate hurt.

Since you care about your husband, you need to learn what is legitimately painful to him – just like you want him to learn that his anger and withdrawal is painful for you. Hopefully, you can learn ways to raise issues (like how much he ate at dinner) in the right way and at the right time, in a way that won’t hurt quite as much.

And if you do have an argument, and you’re feeling hurt as well, perhaps this new knowledge will help you learn how to respond in a way that brings you all closer together. After all, when things get heated, and our own female pain runs high, our faces and voices can signal even more disrespect. Maybe your voice gets higher and more staccato, or your facial expression changes. Maybe your words became guided missiles aimed at a vulnerable target: your husband’s surprisingly soft heart.

So the next time anger arises, think about how you are coming across as well. Take some deep breaths to bring your voice back into normal range. Maybe take a break from the discussion until you can respond well. Start with a respectful tone and words. If appropriate, apologize (“Honey, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking about how that might embarrass you.”). And it will begin to heal the wounds if you find a way to affirm your respect and appreciation for him. (“I know you’ve been working hard to get in shape, thank you for doing that.”)

Once we learn to see our man’s anger as a sign of pain, it truly does change how we see the situation. We certainly can’t accept abusive anger. But otherwise, let’s give our men room to be human; specifically, room to be male.

Photo Credit: Lotus Carroll via Compfight cc

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post How do I handle being the only grown-up in my relationship? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday: Banish the D-Word

Tip #39: Banish the D-word

Are there some words that you try to keep out of your vocabulary? In our family, from the time our kids were little they knew we just didn’t say certain words in our family. Not just the usual four-letter swear words, but any word that could become a weapon used against someone else. Any word that was likely to cause hurt to someone we love, and for which any apology might be inadequate. Because once out there, certain words can’t easily be taken back.

For example, a couple of years ago, after I used a choice word in traffic, my then-8-year-old son solemnly informed me from the backseat, “Mom, we don’t say ‘stupid’ in this family.”

Well, it turns out there’s another choice word we have to keep out of our marriage vocabulary; a word that could become a weapon; a word that is likely to cause hurt, and for which any apology might be inadequate.

You can probably guess what word that is.

We hear the D-word all the time in our media and culture. Whether on a magazine cover about the latest five-minute Hollywood marriage, or the sad news about our neighbors splitting up, talking about and considering divorce has become common. So it is all too easy, in the heat of the moment, to blurt that word out. And cause an insecurity that, once out there, can’t easily be taken back.

One of the clearest threads I’ve seen in my research is that thriving in life and relationships depends on knowing that your spouse will be there no matter what. (Or, if you’re a kid, that your parents will remain together no matter what.)

By contrast, keeping your options open, even just a little bit, only leads to pain. It creates a wall. Or it leads to the poisonous thought that maybe the grass might be greener over there because surely some other man or woman wouldn’t do this thing that hurts me. When you start going down that trail of thinking, it only leads to a trap. The more you mention the D-word, the more likely it is to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Many of the couples that I interviewed for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages had gone from troubled marriages to terrific ones – and one of the most common reasons why was that at some point or another they decided, as one man put it, “To lock ourselves in the marriage and throw away the key.”

One lady told me that she used to say things in hurt and anger like, “Maybe we should just get divorced” or “Fine, divorce me, then.” But one day, after watching friends go through an excruciating divorce – and how their kids were so much more hurt and wounded than their friends had anticipated — she decided that she couldn’t make that an option. She went to her husband and apologized, saying, “I will never mention the D-word again.” He told me that when they decided to never say that word again, it changed everything about their ability to work things through. They were able to have an argument without fear that if they said just the wrong thing, their spouse might consider that the proverbial straw. As they dealt with some difficult issues, they were able to give the process time to work.

They were able to recognize, “Yes, this is a bad patch, but we’ll get through it.”

And they did. But they saw something else emerging as well.

With divorce removed as an option, with no other option other than working things through, they began to realize that they were building a deep sense of security in an insecure world. They started to be able to trust one another in a way they hadn’t before. And eventually, they had a delightful, rich enjoyment and happiness in each other in a way they never would have thought possible before.

For some, I know it can seem scary to eliminate that escape hatch. It can be so easy to throw the D-word word out there when you are hurt or upset. But once you remove that word from your vocabulary, once there is no “just in case,” you will find that it changes everything. Most importantly, it will change the way you feel about your spouse and your marriage, because now you know you will be able to work things through and come out the other side. You will know you are on the same team. Permanently.

Join us next week for the next post in our Marriage Monday series!

The post originally ran at the Christian Post for Marriage Mondays. Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

Photo Credit: seanmcgrath via Compfight cc

The post Marriage Monday: Banish the D-Word appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday from Shaunti Feldhahn: Banish the D-Word

Christian Post Blog Marriage Monday Tip Of The Day from Shaunti Feldhahn

November 24, 2014

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do. 

Tip #39: Banish the D-word

Photo Credit: seanmcgrath via Compfight cc

Are there some words that you try to keep out of your vocabulary? In our family, from the time our kids were little they knew we just didn’t say certain words in our family. Not just the usual four-letter swear words, but any word that could become a weapon used against someone else. Any word that was likely to cause hurt to someone we love, and for which any apology might be inadequate. Because once out there, certain words can’t easily be taken back.

For example, a couple of years ago, after I used a choice word in traffic, my then-8-year-old son solemnly informed me from the backseat, “Mom, we don’t say ‘stupid’ in this family.”

Well, it turns out there’s another choice word we have to keep out of our marriage vocabulary; a word that could become a weapon; a word that is likely to cause hurt, and for which any apology might be inadequate.

You can probably guess what word that is.

We hear the D-word all the time in our media and culture. Whether on a magazine cover about the latest five-minute Hollywood marriage, or the sad news about our neighbors splitting up, talking about and considering divorce has become common. So it is all too easy, in the heat of the moment, to blurt that word out. And cause an insecurity that, once out there, can’t easily be taken back.

One of the clearest threads I’ve seen in my research is that thriving in life and relationships depends on knowing that your spouse will be there no matter what. (Or, if you’re a kid, that your parents will remain together no matter what.)

By contrast, keeping your options open, even just a little bit, only leads to pain. It creates a wall. Or it leads to the poisonous thought that maybe the grass might be greener over there because surely some other man or woman wouldn’t do this thing that hurts me. When you start going down that trail of thinking, it only leads to a trap. The more you mention the D-word, the more likely it is to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Many of the couples that I interviewed for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages had gone from troubled marriages to terrific ones – and one of the most common reasons why was that at some point or another they decided, as one man put it, “To lock ourselves in the marriage and throw away the key.”

One lady told me that she used to say things in hurt and anger like, “Maybe we should just get divorced” or “Fine, divorce me, then.” But one day, after watching friends go through an excruciating divorce – and how their kids were so much more hurt and wounded than their friends had anticipated — she decided that she couldn’t make that an option. She went to her husband and apologized, saying, “I will never mention the D-word again.” He told me that when they decided to never say that word again, it changed everything about their ability to work things through. They were able to have an argument without fear that if they said just the wrong thing, their spouse might consider that the proverbial straw. As they dealt with some difficult issues, they were able to give the process time to work.

They were able to recognize, “Yes, this is a bad patch, but we’ll get through it.”

And they did. But they saw something else emerging as well.

With divorce removed as an option, with no other option other than working things through, they began to realize that they were building a deep sense of security in an insecure world. They started to be able to trust one another in a way they hadn’t before. And eventually, they had a delightful, rich enjoyment and happiness in each other in a way they never would have thought possible before.

For some, I know it can seem scary to eliminate that escape hatch. It can be so easy to throw the D-word word out there when you are hurt or upset. But once you remove that word from your vocabulary, once there is no “just in case,” you will find that it changes everything. Most importantly, it will change the way you feel about your spouse and your marriage, because now you know you will be able to work things through and come out the other side. You will know you are on the same team. Permanently.

Join us next week for the next post in our Marriage Monday series!

The post Marriage Monday from Shaunti Feldhahn: Banish the D-Word appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When Sleeping Handsome ruins a date night

Dear Shaunti:

I’m so angry with my husband that I could spit. Every now and then Dave ignores a much-needed opportunity for us to be together, and does something else instead. Like last weekend: after months of working overtime, we recently had a day all to ourselves. The kids were even at a sleepover with friends! Dave was going to help his friend move for a few hours, then we were going for a long bike ride (a special thing we hadn’t done in a while), then have dinner at our favorite restaurant (something else we hadn’t done in a while). I was even planning on a special “dessert” at home (yes, another thing we hadn’t done in a while!). But Dave’s friend had a crisis and the move ended up taking all day, so there went the bike ride. By the time he got home at 6pm, he felt asleep for a nap and I couldn’t get him up for dinner. After how much we needed this break, I can’t believe he didn’t care enough to ensure that we got it! How do I address this with him?

- Boiling

Dear Boiling,

Wow – remind me never to cancel on you! Before you “address this with him,” you have to get a different perspective. While it’s completely okay to be disappointed, have you tried to look over the day from his point of view?

Might it be that he wasn’t simply “ignoring a much-needed opportunity to be together?” Might it be that he wasn’t being a jerk and “not caring enough?” Instead, could it be that the months of overtime and a long move took a toll, and he was just wiped out? Granted, he didn’t pick the best time to catch up on his zzzs, but chances are that he was looking forward to your bike ride and your night out as much as you were. If you look back over the day, chances are it’ll look much different if you choose to believe the best of his intentions rather than the worst.

Keep in mind, too, that he was helping a buddy move, not out carousing on the town. It is totally understandable that you would want him to spend his precious non-overtime hours on you, but it is also worth acknowledging that he was doing something generous for someone else.

In other words – he sounds like a generous man.

Perhaps you can be generous, too.

Whenever we are hurt by our spouse, it’s essential to look for the more generous explanation and act as if that is the real one – because it probably is. In my research, the happiest spouses refused to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions, even when they were legitimately, truly hurt. If we think “He knew how that would make me feel, and he did it anyway,” that translates to “he doesn’t care” and it’s downhill from there. But changing our assumption to “I know he loves me; he must not have known how that would make me feel,” will make everything about our response different.

And thankfully, that is not just wishful thinking! More than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouse! Even in struggling marriages, they care. Yet a huge reason why they struggle is that one or both partners doesn’t believe that fact.

Don’t put yourself in that dangerous place. Absolutely, address this pattern with him. But do it from the assumption that he wants time with you, as much as you do with him. Assume that he wants to make you happy, rather than “he just doesn’t care.” That will change everything about how you speak to him – and how he responds.

Perhaps it’s time to call a truce, book that sitter. . . and maybe find that dessert. Your husband loves you; give him a second chance.

Photo Credit: penelopejonze via Compfight cc>

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post When Sleeping Handsome ruins a date night appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday: Wives, find ways to keep his mental Instagram full of images of you

Tip #38: Wives, find ways to keep his mental Instagram full of images of you. 

Have you ever been out with your hubby on a pretty day, sitting at a park or strolling through an outdoor mall, when suddenly you see his eyes widen as the hot woman in the tight yoga pants saunters by, and you watch him try to wrench his head away and stare resolutely in the opposite direction? It seems like no matter how hard a man tries, these sexualized images are in his face all day long.

In today’s world of media, you don’t have to look very far to see just how in-your-face those images are. Pictures of beautiful women with their necklines down to there grace our magazine covers, TV commercials and social media outlets. Clothing trends like short-shorts and spaghetti-strap tops don’t exactly help. No wonder many men describe this culture as “difficult” for a guy who wants to honor his wife and honor God in his thought life.

Now, if you’re aghast at the idea that such a thing would be difficult – if you think a godly man wouldn’t struggle with this– let me briefly explain what is really going on in his head.

In my research for my book For Women Only I realized that the brain structure of nearly every man is wired in a way that creates an instinctive pull to visually consume the image of an attractive woman. The temptation is automatic; the question is what a man does about the temptation. And this is where many husbands will try very hard, all day long, to fight the challenges of this culture, and look away, look down, think about their wife and try to keep their thought lives pure. They may not always be perfect, but many honorable men truly try.

That means that a faithful man loves having images of his wife that he can call to mind. It is like having a mental Instagram that he can pull up and scroll through whenever he needs it. So when the woman saunters by in the tight yoga pants and flashes all her assets, he can look away and instead think about that intimate image that he has of his wife from last night.

So instead of freaking out about how God wired the male brain – and concluding that the only answer is to permanently blindfold your man in public! – remember that God created men’s visual nature to be a good thing. To bond a husband to his wife. To create a visual delight that is good, and godly, and emotionally fills him up in much the same way that you as a woman are filled up and delighted when you have a deep conversation with your man. In other words: Fill your husband’s “mental Instagram” with pictures of you. Create moments and images for his mind to fix on that are of you, his wife, the woman that he loves.

Your husband has a desire to honor you. I have been told by countless husbands how much they appreciated having intimate visual memories of their own wives that they could think about to replace the other images that tried to bombard them every day.

You may be shy when it comes to making yourself visually open to your husband, even by something as simple as leaving a muted light on in the bedroom. It may be scary to do at first, but as you move in that direction, I think you’ll see how much your husband delights in you!

So go ahead! Push past the self-consciousness. Realize that you are the woman your husband wants to picture in his mind. You may come to realize that you actually enjoy filling his thoughts, and your husband will enjoy it right along with you!

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

The post originally ran at the Christian Post for Marriage Mondays.

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

Photo Credit: Stuck in Customs via Compfight cc

The post Marriage Monday: Wives, find ways to keep his mental Instagram full of images of you appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Marriage Monday from Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, find ways to keep his mental Instagram full of images of you

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

Photo Credit: Stuck in Customs via Compfight cc

Tip #38: Wives, find ways to keep his mental Instagram full of images of you. 

Have you ever been out with your hubby on a pretty day, sitting at a park or strolling through an outdoor mall, when suddenly you see his eyes widen as the hot woman in the tight yoga pants saunters by, and you watch him try to wrench his head away and stare resolutely in the opposite direction? It seems like no matter how hard a man tries, these sexualized images are in his face all day long.

In today’s world of media, you don’t have to look very far to see just how in-your-face those images are. Pictures of beautiful women with their necklines down to there grace our magazine covers, TV commercials and social media outlets. Clothing trends like short-shorts and spaghetti-strap tops don’t exactly help. No wonder many men describe this culture as “difficult” for a guy who wants to honor his wife and honor God in his thought life.

Now, if you’re aghast at the idea that such a thing would be difficult – if you think a godly man wouldn’t struggle with this– let me briefly explain what is really going on in his head.

In my research for my book For Women Only I realized that the brain structure of nearly every man is wired in a way that creates an instinctive pull to visually consume the image of an attractive woman. The temptation is automatic; the question is what a man does about the temptation. And this is where many husbands will try very hard, all day long, to fight the challenges of this culture, and look away, look down, think about their wife and try to keep their thought lives pure. They may not always be perfect, but many honorable men truly try.

That means that a faithful man loves having images of his wife that he can call to mind. It is like having a mental Instagram that he can pull up and scroll through whenever he needs it. So when the woman saunters by in the tight yoga pants and flashes all her assets, he can look away and instead think about that intimate image that he has of his wife from last night.

So instead of freaking out about how God wired the male brain – and concluding that the only answer is to permanently blindfold your man in public! – remember that God created men’s visual nature to be a good thing. To bond a husband to his wife. To create a visual delight that is good, and godly, and emotionally fills him up in much the same way that you as a woman are filled up and delighted when you have a deep conversation with your man. In other words: Fill your husband’s “mental Instagram” with pictures of you. Create moments and images for his mind to fix on that are of you, his wife, the woman that he loves.

Your husband has a desire to honor you. I have been told by countless husbands how much they appreciated having intimate visual memories of their own wives that they could think about to replace the other images that tried to bombard them every day.

You may be shy when it comes to making yourself visually open to your husband, even by something as simple as leaving a muted light on in the bedroom. It may be scary to do at first, but as you move in that direction, I think you’ll see how much your husband delights in you!

So go ahead! Push past the self-consciousness. Realize that you are the woman your husband wants to picture in his mind. You may come to realize that you actually enjoy filling his thoughts, and your husband will enjoy it right along with you!

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

The post Marriage Monday from Shaunti Feldhahn: Wives, find ways to keep his mental Instagram full of images of you appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

I want things my way. What’s wrong with that?

Dear Shaunti,

 My husband says I always want things my way. And he’s right to a certain extent because, honestly, in my mind, there are just right and wrong ways to do things. The house simply should be neat instead of messy. Is that too much to ask? Or no, he shouldn’t let the kids spread their homework all over the kitchen table, thirty minutes before dinner. My husband feels like I’m criticizing him, and I’m not really: I just want things the way I want it. And I honestly don’t feel like I’m expecting that much of him, since I’m the one who does most of the housework and makes sure things run smoothly on a day-to-day basis! Why is it so difficult for him to see things my way? Please help!

Sincerely,

Frustrated Wife

—

Dear Frustrated Wife,

Um. Actually, you are criticizing him. So face up to it.   Essentially, you want things your way and your husband has no say in the matter, right? So when he has a different opinion, you’re telling him “I’m right, you’re wrong. Sorry, buddy, live with it.”

Can you see how he might get just a teeny bit defensive about that?

Can you see how, perhaps, even the most loving and attentive husband, who tries hard to care for his wife and family, might get discouraged and even resentful that he is treated like a child who has no say in how things work at home?

Can you see how changing your view of your opinions – and his – would actually be pretty darned important to the future of your marriage?

The answer to most marriage “issues” lies in not trying to change your spouse, but in trying to change yourself. This is no different. And it starts with you realizing that your husband has every right to hold his own opinion. You may not agree with it, necessarily (I mean, who wants to see dirty clothes strewn around the bedroom floor, anyway?) but that doesn’t mean you are right and he is wrong. No, he’s just different.

I can hear you saying now: But it is wrong to be lazy and slothful. Everyone just knows it’s wrong to be too lazy to make your bed or hang up your clothes! Everyone just knows it is foolish to start homework on the kitchen table right before we’re starting to set food out for dinner!

Really?   Maybe it is about being lazy. But maybe it isn’t.

As I write this, it is 5:30 pm, and I can see from my computer into my kitchen… where my husband is pulling together dinner and my daughter has homework spread out all over the table.

Why?

Even though my husband, Jeff, is much more like you – he would much prefer things be neat and tidy – our family has come to value the glorious chaos. We have come to actively value having the kids do their homework around us, so they are not closeted away in their rooms at their desks. We have come to value what happens when our daughter looks up and says, “Look at what the teacher wrote on my study guide” or our son hollers out, “Dad, are these words the subject or the predicate?” (And Jeff and I look at each other and mouth, What’s a predicate? Yes, I know this is sad for a professional writer…)

In about twenty minutes we will scramble to move all the papers to the island in the kitchen (something else that used to make Jeff twitch), and set the table for dinner. And as soon as dinner begins to be cleared, back the papers will come.

We value something different than you do. Is that wrong? Are you wrong? No. We’re just different.

Maybe your husband values something different, too.   Whether that means more family life out in the open, or simply the ability to crash on the couch and give himself permission to have downtime after work and not worry about cleaning up the bedroom.

Yes, he needs to value what you value, too. Yes, he needs to compromise and realize that certain things are important to you.

But so do you.

So here’s my suggestion: the next time you want to step in when something bugs you, ask yourself: “Is he wrong here, or does he just have a different judgment?”  Then ask, “Is this criticism that is about to explode out of my mouth really so important?”

Perhaps you do need to say something. Perhaps you can let go of the fact that he drops dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, but you just cannot stand the kitchen-table-homework mess. If so, great. But approach your husband with the spirit of wanting to know what is important to him, and how to accommodate that, not just sharing what is important to you!

As you alter your focus from subconsciously discounting his judgment and opinion, to honoring and respecting his opinion, you’ll begin to see what is truly important and needs to be addressed – and what really doesn’t. You’ll begin to separate the vital things from those that simply annoy you. Having that perspective is essential to a successful partnership of any kind (business, civic activities, etc.), but especially imperative in marriage. Once you show him that sort of grace, I think you’ll see a lot more grace coming back to you as well.

Photo Credit: ulianne via Compfight cc

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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