Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 72

Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.

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Tip #44: Wives, if your husband ever seems inconsiderate, assume he doesn’t want to be

Ladies, have you ever had one of those moments when you were at the boiling point over something your husband did that seemed inconsiderate? Even when we love and respect our husbands, at times our emotions can get the best of us — especially when we get hurt or deeply disappointed by something he said or did. Or didn’t do!

Perhaps he left his clothes on the floor again this morning, or his dirty dishes at the table, after you’ve asked him nicely to put them where they belong. Or, maybe you had gone to great lengths to plan a special night for the two of you since he had the day off and the kids were having a sleepover. You even planned a special “dessert” to spice things up, since you finally had some time to yourselves. But your plans went up in smoke when you found him asleep on the couch after a long day of laying that tile in the bathroom.

It’s easy for frustrated thoughts to flood our minds: “I can’t believe him! He’s going to lay there and sleep, and ignore everything I’ve done to get us some together time!” And believe me, I get it: after all your efforts to create a special evening, it’s no wonder you’re disappointed, hurt, and even mad. But it is so important to take control of those thoughts, so they don’t take control of you! If we are subconsciously assume and stew about, “He doesn’t care / he’s so insensitive!” very little good will come from that. Instead, force yourself to get a different perspective on the situation and your spouse.

Whenever we are hurt by our spouse, it is essential (and helpful and beneficial) to look for the more generous explanation, and to act as if that is the real one – because it probably is. In my research, more than 99 percent of people deeply care about their spouses. Even in struggling marriages, they care. But even the best of us can sometimes be insensitive, or do things that hurt the other person without intending to!

As I have studied the habits of the happiest marriages, it is clear that one reason they are, overall, so happy is that these spouses refuse to believe the worst of their mate’s intentions, even when they are hurt.

All of us can do that. Think how things would change if we altered our assumption to, “I know he loves me, so he probably had no clue how that was going to make me feel.” That grace-filled response will make everything different. And thankfully, this is not just wishful thinking!

Might it be, for example, that he wasn’t ignoring a “much-needed opportunity to be together?” Might it be that he wasn’t purposefully being a jerk and not caring about you? Could it be, instead, that the months of overtime at work and a full day of tiling the bathrooms simply took their toll, and he was just wiped out? Granted, he didn’t pick the best time to catch up on his nap time, but chances are he was looking forward to a night together as much as you were. If you look back over the day, choosing to believe the best of his intentions, then the day will look much differently.

I can assure you, if you take a moment to be generous in your thoughts toward your spouse and to see the good in him in the trying moments, it will be well worth it.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Behind the scenes with Shaunti: WHY IS THE CAT IN MY VIDEO SHOOT?

So this is a little peek into my life.  And probably the life of any author/speaker, truth be told!

Have you ever seen me or another author on one of those little informal videos we sometimes record as part of a video blog, or to give a shout-out about a book release or, for me, about a fun event that is coming up?   Simple and easy, right?  After all, it is a 60-second video.  How long could it take?

You have NO IDEA.   This is what is going on behind the scenes.  And why, sometimes, recording even a 60-second video, and getting it right, could take thirty minutes, believe it or not.

Picture this scene, which happened last week.  My assistant Theresa comes over to my home office with a list of things to accomplish that day, one of which is recording a 60-second video for a women’s event I am really looking forward to speaking at, in January.   Thankfully, this is informal, so we don’t need the extra time to set up lights and sound.  Just an iPhone, my (somewhat faulty) memory of what I need to say, and a room with halfway decent lighting – in this case, the front room where my kids do their homework.  We push all the messy papers out of the line of the shot, sit down in our chairs, Theresa points the iPhone in my direction and I start off with a “Really looking forward to being with you at the Fearfully and Wonderfully Made Conference on January 10 in North Carolina –”

“Cut”, Theresa says, “you forgot to say the city.”

“You’re right.  Okay, try it again.”

My next try, I get all the way through what I want to say, but don’t say the correct website where women can register for tickets.

Theresa just chuckles, patient woman that she is, and we try it again.

But next time, in the middle of the shoot, suddenly there’s an extra presence on camera: one of my two cats jostles Theresa and the camera as he jumps into the shot to investigate what is going on.   I shoo him away, but we get about 10 seconds into the next effort, and the other one jumps up on the table to say hi.   About halfway through the next attempt, both of them decide to make an appearance.

You see, Flash and Storm are social creatures.  They also think they are dogs.  They have a sixth sense for the fact that we are doing something fun, and they want in on it!

My patience now running thin, I pick up both cats, and put them into the guest bathroom down the hallway and close the door.  It’s only sixty seconds.  We’ll capture the video, I’ll let the cats out, and we’ll be golden.

“Hi, I’m Shaunti Feldhahn and I’m really looking forward to being with you at the Fearfully and Wonderfully Made Conf—“  BANG! BANG!  BANG!  Rattle rattle rattle!   BANG!

The cats are rather put out at being kept in the bathroom instead of out where the fun is, and are rattling the door trying to get out (I told you they think they are dogs).

I look at Theresa’s face and stop recording. “You can hear that on camera, can’t you?”

“Yes.”  Sweet, patient Theresa is clearly wondering when on earth she’s going to get back to the other 156 things on her to-do list for the day.

“Okay, let’s let them out so they don’t make noise and just try to record it really fast, before they come back in here.”

This time, I don’t even get the recording started before Storm swoops back in and jumps back up on the table.  That is when Theresa decides to keep the recording going and records https://vimeo.com/114903018this video, perhaps hoping to show Storm the video so he will see the error of his ways.  I’m sure it will work.  Eventually.

I carry him out of the room, deposit him on the other side of the house, sprint back to my chair, sit down and we start recording what ended up being the video we used.  I remembered everything I was supposed to say, and it was fine, but if you look closely as I near the end, you can see that I start talking more and more quickly withmywordsrunningtogetherlikethis.  In my peripheral vision, Flash had appeared in the room, and was clearly gonna make a move!   So suddenly part of my concentration, as I was still talking, was taken by mentally measuring how long it would take for him to jump up on the table and appear in the shot.    We managedtogetitdone, hit stop, and yep the cat appeared in shot about a nanosecond later.

All told, recording the sixty second video had taken more than twenty minutes.

I love my cats, but OY.   They are definitely on the naughty list for Santa this year!

Storm’s blooper reel:

The FINAL clip:

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Marriage Monday: Wives, be sensitive to his spending sensitivity

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Photo Credit: Yuri Yu. Samoilov via Compfight cc

 

Tip # 43: Wives, be sensitive to his spending sensitivity

Recently, a stay-at-home mom told me that her laid-back husband had recently become a “control freak” about how much money she was spending on things. She was upset that even though he made a good income and she always stuck to their budget, he had begun tracking their bank account every day and had taken to looking through her shopping bags to see what she was spending on gifts for the kids, household decorations, clothes, and the like. She wanted to know how to stop the constant arguing over it: should she just hide the shopping bags?

Ladies, have you been frustrated by your man’s “sensitivity” to how much you are spending? Even those of us who make a decent income of our own might see this pattern – and be just as frustrated or indignant. Especially during higher-expense seasons like holidays or birthdays, when we feel a need to be spending more, we might want to march up to our man, give him a piece of our mind, and tell him to lighten up and not be so controlling!

After all, most counselors emphasize that we need to communicate about financial expectations, budget and spending, right? And boy, are we are ready to communicate!

But before we say a word, we need to take a deep breath and pause. Because what we probably don’t “get” – but need to – is the emotional issue that is probably underneath our man’s words and actions. And it is probably the opposite of control.

You have probably heard that men “want to be the provider” for the family – and not understood the intense pressure that comes with it. In my surveys, the vast majority of men said the responsibility to provide for the family was constantly pressing on them; they were never free of it. Even when the family wasn’t in a high-expense season, and even if his wife made enough money to support the family all by herself, the pressure was always there.

That would probably be more than enough all on its own to cause a man to be a bit sensitive to what family members were spending. But it turns out, it’s not all on its own. There’s another emotional issue layered on.

For your husband, taking care of you and your kids (if you have children at home) is also likely to be a key way he says “I love you,” and shows that he is worthy of you. But that comes with far more insecurity than you might think. In his mind, there’s an ongoing risk of failure. If he’s like most men, he is constantly, subconsciously, evaluating his current and future earnings prospects, and whether he can provide enough to support you and make you happy.

Now, with all that underground insecurity in mind, consider what your man might feel when he sees you adding on extra spending (even if it is in the budget and isn’t really “extra”). You can see why he might seem unusually sensitive. In other words, the issue probably isn’t about control but fear: a fear that he won’t be able to keep up. That he won’t be enough. It may not necessarily be a logical feeling – after all, you have money in the bank! You are sticking to a budget! – but it is very deep. And very common.

So what do you do? Well, when you, um, communicate with your man, do everything you can to set aside your indignant-wife hat. Instead, as much as you can, put on your grateful-wife hat. He needs to see that you truly appreciate him and that you want to understand and respect his concerns in this area. Tell him how thankful you are for all the work he does to provide.

And only then should you inquire about this concern that you’ve seen recently from him. Ask whether he feels pressure when he sees your shopping bags, or when he knows that you are spending money on things he might view as non-essentials. If you two have worked out a budget that you are sticking to, ask him what you can do to help him feel better about it, yet without you feeling like he is constantly checking up on you and signaling a lack of trust.

If he doesn’t have an immediate answer to that question, that’s okay. Guys often need some time to process things. You might learn more over time, anyway — and be better able to convey that you’re serious about taking some of the pressure off. Maybe he’s in a particularly dicey time at work and would simply feel better if you reduced your budget for a while. Or maybe he really wants to provide for those things he sees as “extras” but doesn’t feel adequate to the task, and confesses that it really would help with certain expenses if you got a part-time or seasonal job.

You won’t know what the answer is until you sit down and talk about it. But talking about it with compassion for the pressure he probably feels – rather than the frustration and indignation you probably feel! – will make all the difference.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here. 

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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When You Work With Men, Leave the Dirty Laundry at Home

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Dear Shaunti: I’m always balancing my roles as a mom, wife and businesswoman, but I work almost entirely with men who don’t “get” how much more I have to juggle than they do—especially when there’s a problem at home. I recently had an especially stressful few days where my husband and kids were sick, I was nearing a deadline on a project, and I was at my wits end. Yet when I told my boss that I needed just a bit of extra time, and detailed all the reasons why, he seemed to think I simply couldn’t handle most of what I was doing, and took a bunch of key responsibilities off my plate! This has happened several times, and I’m sure it is keeping me from advancing. How do I keep all the balls in the air and keep the respect of my co-workers and managers? Sincerely, Frantic Working Mama Dear Frantic, Look at how you signed your letter and you’ll know why your male co-workers think you can’t handle things. You appear frantic. Why do you assume your male co-workers don’t have as much to juggle as you do? I’ll tell you why: they don’t look frantic, and you don’t hear about all they have to juggle. Sure, statistically, some men don’t have as many tasks on the home front as women – but plenty do. Many of the men you work with have a busy life, a working spouse, issues at home, chores and sick kids just like you do. Among men, though, there is an unspoken expectation that when someone arrives in Work World, all of that goes away. And there’s a reason men subconsciously keep their worlds separate. In my research for The Male Factor, I had countless men share that they (unlike women) need to compartmentalize personal stuff into a separate corner of their minds, in order to focus on work and get things done. So if someone is talking at length about personal-world problems and headaches, it implies that what is going on at home is such a big deal that the person is no longer able to get work done well. It may sound odd to us as women, but many men will automatically see that person as less competent, less focused on the job at hand, and certainly less able to push through problems and get things done regardless. This is the case whether the person discussing the problems is a man or a woman. It’s just that men tend to know how discussing personal-world issues is going to be viewed, so they do it a lot less often. You asked how to keep all the balls in the air and still keep the respect of your male boss and co-workers. Well, as hard as it can be, one of the most important ways to be perceived well is to simply not discuss personal and emotional concerns very much. Especially when things are tough in personal world, and might (in a man’s mind) interfere in work world. This is not to say that personal matters aren’t important or valid, and it certainly doesn’t mean that we ignore when we are at risk of missing a work deadline. Our job is to ensure the work gets done, after all! But it does mean we need to be wise about how and what we share, realizing that the average professional man will probably not view it in the same way we do. So when you have a sick household and hours of missed work as a result, go to your boss, calmly explain in one sentence – no emotion, no dramatic story — that you have unexpectedly have a household of people with the ‘flu, and have lost about ten hours on the project as a result. He’ll need to hear that you have a partial solution (just as you would, if you were in his shoes!), so explain that you’ll be working a lot of extra hours in the evenings to make up. But then give the bottom line: this deal is important, you’re concerned about making the deadline, and want to make sure there’s no problem. What do you suggest, boss? Should we pull in John from Accounting for a few extra man-hours? Everyone has personal-world problems that create work-world dilemmas. The key to a good perception is not coming across as frazzled in the middle of them. Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here. Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, The Male Factor, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Staff Christmas Pic – Let me introduce you to my team!

We had our staff Christmas party Saturday night for the core team.  Such a fun night!  My staff director, Linda, hosted it at her house — which she always does up so beautifully.  (I’m always jealous; the gene for ‘how to decorate for the holidays is not present in my DNA.)  We were missing a few people who I wish had been able to be there, like Naomi and Melinda, who arrange my personal-relationships and corporate speaking for me, but live in Dallas and Portland, and Tally, my senior researcher who wrote The Good News About Marriage with me, who lives in Ohio.   We were also missing an amazing array of contractors, like Angela who does all of our design work, but lives in California, and a fantastic team of other specialists like writers, editors, and the like, but I was grateful to spend such a fun evening with my amazing core, Atlanta-based team!

These women are truly wonderful, dedicated, and excellent at what they do.  Let me introduce them to you.

From left to right:

Theresa is my executive assistant.  If you’ve ever booked me for an event in the last few years, she’s been the sweet voice on the phone working out e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g with you, and being so helpful about every little detail.  If I arrive on time, on the right flight, at the right entrance to the right building, with the right speaking notes in hand, selling the right books at the book table, it’s because of her!  She takes great care of me (and the event organizers who work with her!), organizes all the office stuff and all the books (both are quite the job, trust me), manages all the incoming emails, and keeps all the trains running, so to speak.  Standing behind her in the picture is her wonderful husband, John.  A really good guy with a big heart.

Caroline is my digital content manager.  If you’re a partner ministry who uses our content, or reading these words on a blog or via social media, it’s because of her!  She interfaces with all our partners, our writers, and makes sure that all the great content we create is seen by others.  She has been with us for almost a year now, and I don’t know what we did without her!  As you can tell, she is just weeks away from welcoming baby #2, and will be taking a bit of time off early in the New Year to juggle a 16 month old and a newborn!  Her warm and funny husband, Jason, is standing behind her.  Making all the other men look short.

Then there’s me and Jeff.  You know us already! (Fun fact: I had literally just flown in from New York a few hours before, so I had given zero thought to what I was going to wear and had hardly any jewelry on, but Theresa rescued me by giving me a beautiful long necklace as a Christmas present, which I immediately put on!)

On the right is Linda, my amazing staff and operations director.  She has been with me for nine years, since the very early days of For Women Only, and has built this organization from the ground, up.  She runs the whole thing.  If you’ve ever read one of my books, looked through my research, listened to me speak, read an article or a blog, heard me sharing something in the media, gone through a corporate event, participated in one of our Bible Studies, or been impacted by anything we’ve put out, it’s because she has made it possible. She manages everything the staff does, the website, all the details of the ministry and corporate side of things, in order to free me up so I can do the research with people, sit at my computer and put words on paper about it, and fly somewhere to walk onstage and speak about it.  Everything else is Linda; she either manages the team (not just staff but lots of contractors) to get it done, or on many things (like the website) does it herself.  She also is the backbone of a lot of our corporate stuff, and my top corporate trainer.  She’s a woman of prayer and insight and discernment. I’m so blessed in an amazing, amazing right-hand-woman.  Behind her is her husband Don, a great man who is also one of the smartest people I know.

All of us on this core staff team also are very aware that so much of what we do is dependent on YOU!  You are the ones who share our research and our books by word of mouth.  You are the counselors who take our findings and use them to encourage a struggling couple.  You are the parents who speak differently to your kids because of what you read.  You are the pastors or church leaders or corporate execs who want to see lives and relationships changed.  You are the men and women who want to learn and grow, and share with others.  At this time of year when we count all the blessings God has given us, we’re immensely grateful for YOU.

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Marriage Monday: Wives, Be Aware of Your Hubby’s Secret Romantic Fears

Tip #42: Wives, Be Aware of Your Hubby’s Secret Romantic Fears

Most sitcoms today have a staple character and plotline about men and romance: the bumbling husband who forgets his wife’s birthday or buys his wife a power saw for Valentine’s Day. The audience always howls with laughter when some poor fellow tries a big romantic outing and everything goes completely wrong.

Why? Well, it plays to a very popular cultural notion: the idea that guys aren’t very good at romance, do token efforts only, and honestly don’t care about romance for themselves.

Don’t believe it.

Ladies, in my interviews and surveys with thousands of men for For Women Only, I was shocked to discover that men want romance, too. In fact — and you may want to sit down to read this – your husband wants romance just as much as you do. 

Once you get over your shock, you may ask, “Well, if he wants romance, why doesn’t he do something about it?!” You need to recognize: guys already deal with a lot of hidden self-doubt. A vulnerability that is exacerbated by feeling a little clumsy at romance. One guy described most men as feeling “left-handed” romantically.

Think about that for a second, ladies. If you’re right-handed you can write with your left hand if you want to, but it feels a bit insecure and uncomfortable. Now, thinking about how much your man fears looking stupid, how much he fears failure, think about how “left-handedness” in romance must feel to him. He deeply wants together time with you… but may feel awkward and uncomfortable trying to create it. Especially those types of sweeping romantic events that he believes you think are romantic. They may not come naturally to him; he may doubt he can pull it off without feeling like he failed.

Or, he may already feel like he failed.

I have heard this over and over. Without realizing it, without intending to, with what we thought was a minor tease or a look or a chuckle, we may have discouraged our man from trying something romantic ever again.

One day, I was talking to a man who tried to describe that feeling. He gestured toward me, and said, “For example, if you’re my wife, I’ll make myself a fool for you. I will. But if you tease me about not quite getting the candlelight dinner right, it’ll be five years before I try that again. And maybe not then!”

So what do we do, ladies? How do we encourage the vulnerable fellow who is inside the big, strong, confident-looking man we love? The man who secretly wants romance with us, as much as we do with him?

Well first, we have to encourage him to do those things he might have been pondering anyway. If he ever randomly says, “I wonder if we should ever go to the mountains for a weekend,” see it for what it is. That is not random. That is a trial balloon. Say, “Oh, I would love that!”

Or if he doesn’t ever throw out those ideas, give him some of your own – don’t make him read your mind. “I don’t know what you’re planning for my birthday, honey, but in case you didn’t have anything picked out, I went to this restaurant for work and it was nice.”

Then, make it clear that no matter how it turns out, you’ll be thrilled. “Yes, I would love to go to the mountains some weekend! And no matter what we do, it’ll be great just to be together.”

Then, most important: no matter what he does, actually be thrilled. Show him how happy it made you, and say absolutely nothing about things that could have been better. Zip, nada, nothing. He will seize on those and forget the other twenty things that you loved.

And finally, if he’s like the majority of men who go to the restaurant hoping for a specific dessert at home, be purposeful about showing him your gratitude in more than just words. Men don’t care about romance just to get sex… but in the male mind, they sure do go together well!

As you can tell, whether a man lets his inner romantic come out depends an awful lot on whether he thinks his wife will be glad that he did. So show him that you are glad, and you’ll see that romantic man a lot more often.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This post first appeared as part of Marriage Mondays at Christian Post. Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

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What Your Shopping Bag Says to Your Husband

Dear Shaunti,

My husband makes a good income, and I always stick to our budget, but my husband is always nervous about my spending, and it makes me nuts.  He’s not a control freak in any other area except this. He checks our bank account every day to see how much I have spent on clothes or gifts for the kids or new household decorations, or whatever. Yesterday, I officially lost it when I found him poking through my shopping bags. What should I do? Sneak the shopping bags in when he’s not looking? Get a job so I can spend my own money without pressure from him? I don’t want to argue anymore.

-Confused Shopper 

Dear Confused Shopper, I am guessing that those shopping bags are like lead weights to your husband – and with every shopping trip he feels more and more pressure to keep up with your spending habits.

Is that a fair feeling? Maybe not. Is it likely? Very.

Most counselors will probably tell you that you need to do a better job of communicating about financial expectations, budget and spending – especially during higher-expense seasons like holidays or birthdays. That is valid advice and yes, you should. But that isn’t what is leaping out at me as I read your question. Before you can understand what to do next, you need to understand what may be underneath your husband’s spending sensitivity; because I don’t think it is about control.

If your husband is like most men, he probably feels an immense pressure to provide: a pressure that would be there even if you spent hardly anything.   In my surveys, the vast majority of men said the responsibility to provide for their family was constantly pressing on them; they were never free of it. Even when expenses were low, and even when a wife made enough money to support the family all by herself!

But taking care of his wife and family is also a man’s way of saying “I love you” – and showing that he he is worthy of you. And that comes with much more insecurity than you might ever think. Providing is one of the key areas where men experience the ongoing risk of failure. Most men are constantly, subconsciously, evaluating their current and future earnings prospects, and whether they can provide “enough” to support the family and make their wife and kids happy.

Now, keep all that underground insecurity in mind… and add on a husband seeing “extra” spending (even if it is in the budget and isn’t really “extra”), and you can see why some men are unusually sensitive. It sounds like your husband may be one of them. If your man isn’t controlling in any other area, that tells me that this reaction likely isn’t about control but fear: a deep and visceral fear that he won’t be able to keep up. It may not necessarily be a logical feeling – after all, you have money in the bank! You are sticking to a budget! – but it is very deep. And very common.

So what do you do? By far the most important step is to talk to your husband about this in a way that he truly sees that you appreciate him and that you want to understand and respect his concerns in this area. Tell him regularly, how thankful you are for all the work he does to provide. And then at some non-emotional time, inquire about this. Ask whether he feels pressure when he sees your shopping bags, or when he knows that you are spending money on things he might view as non-essentials. If you two have worked out a budget that you are sticking to, ask him what you guys can do to help him feel better about it, yet without you feeling like he is constantly checking up on you and signaling a lack of trust.

If he doesn’t have an immediate answer to that question, that’s okay. Guys often need some time to process things. You might learn more over time, anyway — and be better able to convey that you’re serious about taking some of the pressure off. Maybe he’s in a particularly dicey time at work and would simply feel better if your household had a spending freeze for a while. Or maybe he really wants to provide for those things he sees as “extras” but doesn’t feel adequate to the task, and confesses that it really would help with certain expenses if you got a part-time or seasonal job.

You won’t know what the answer is until you sit down and talk about it. But it will make all the difference to talk about it with a compassion for the insecurity that you can’t see, that may be hiding underneath the drive-you-nuts behaviors that you can see!

Photo Credit: Yuri Yu. Samoilov via Compfight cc

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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12 Books A-Bargain and Free Gift Ideas

“The 12 Days of Christmas” is one of my favorite Christmas songs, which my kids insist on singing every year on our drive to the Virginia mountains. So today, with a nod to the 12 Days of Christmas, I am launching my $12 Bargain Books Deal. Buy 6 or more of any combination of my books for $12 each – signed by me, to your individual friends and family, if you’d like! Orders must be placed by December 16th. U.S. only. Click here to contact us about an order. Book Gift Ideas:

For a couple: Bundle For Women Only, For Men Only , and The Surprising Secrets of  Highly Happy Marriages, add a dinner gift card, and you’ve got a great gift! In these books, I unveil the ‘a-ha’ discoveries that make a great relationship. Based on 12 years of research with men, women and marriages, learn the practical little things that make a big difference to any dating or marriage relationship via the book about men (for her), about women (for him) or about the little habits that create the happiest relationships (for both).
Do you know a working woman who needs some downtime with some good books? For Women Only , The Life Ready Woman , and The Male Factor is a 3-book bundle must for any Christian woman who wants the best tools for thriving and balancing life at home and in the workplace. I reveal from my research what you need to know about men (both in personal and work life) and how to navigate this crazy modern life from a totally biblical perspective, and get to God’s best for you.
Do you want to encourage your pastor or another leader who cares about marriage? The Good News About Marriage and The Surprising Secrets of  Highly Happy Marriages iis a great gift that conveys the 12 surprising secrets of the most happily married couples and the myth-busting truth about marriage and divorce — including that the divorce rate is NOT 50%!

Free Gifts for Him

Spend 30 days with no criticisms of him or anything he does.
Express appreciation for something he does (or is) every day for a week.
Delight him with an intimate encounter that falls outside the usual pattern in your marriage.
While you’re around friends or family, and he’s listening, brag on one of his biggest accomplishments of this year.

Free Gifts for Her

According to your lifestyle and schedule, set aside a regular time (daily or weekly) that you can truly listen (without ‘fixing it’) to her ramble on about some things on her mind.
Every day for the next 30 days, make clear that you would choose her all over again by sending her a little text (“can’t wait to see you after work”), email, phone call (“how’s your day going?”), or giving her a few extra hugs for no reason.…
When she’s having a particularly crabby day and may be snarky and rude, instead of walking off and ignoring it, pull her close to you and do whatever that ‘little thing’ is that only you do and she finds irresistible and tell her that you love her so much. (you might have to pick her up off the floor after that one).
For a whole month, open her car door whenever you are in the car together, and hold her hand when you are in public. (Feel free to write to me about the impact of that one little thing).

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Killing the Divorce Myth With Kindness

Many of you have written to me ask what I think about this The Atlantic article, “Masters of Love,” that has been making the rounds in cyberspace. The article shares some key research by one of my research heroes, John Gottman, and his wife Julie, about how to get to “happily ever after” in marriage and what can distinguish between marriage “masters” and “disasters.”

I was thrilled when I read the article and found that much of the Gottmans’ research confirms mine. My conclusion in The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, and theirs in their work, was that highly happy couples have worked toward high degrees of kindness and generosity in their marriages.

In reading this piece, I’m only wistful about one thing. I love the Gottman’s work about how to get to happiness in marriage, but I wish they weren’t (ironically) perpetuating the incorrect bad-news myths about a high level of divorce and marital unhappiness at the same time! Because one of the other key things I found in my own research is that people generally have to believe there is hope for a happy marriage in order to keep going.

By contrast, the incorrect notion that most marriages aren’t happy isn’t motivating: it is demoralizing. When a happy marriage seems like a one-in-a-hundred possibility, people give up trying these success strategies (like kindness and generosity) way too early.

And as I found in my investigative study of the true state of marriage (see The Good News About Marriage), that hope is there! Far more people enjoy their marriage than the myths would have you think – about 80% have happy marriages! And for those who aren’t there yet, it is possible to get to a happy marriage. As the Gottmans’ findings confirm, getting there is often a lot more simple than people think.

When I share my findings on what those simple actions are– such as being kind — the push-back from some readers is, “Well of course we should be kind! But how do I do that when my spouse makes me so frustrated or upset?”

And I totally get it. Negativity can be a tough battle to fight… but it is not an impossible one to win, once you put your mind to it. You just have to be the boss of your feelings.

Do you have an irritation about something your spouse just did? Instead of focusing on that (understandable) irritation, think about something good they did as well. If your husband made a messy lunch for the kids and left all the crusty dishes in the sink again, force your thoughts away from the grumble grumble as you wash the dishes. Instead, as you look at the crusty pizza crust on the pie plate, picture him putting the pizza in the oven while he does those funny cartoon voices with your three-year old. Think about how sweet he is as a dad, how much he loves the kids, and how much they love being with him. Then when you’re done with the dishes, give him a big hug and tell him “Thank you for making the kids’ lunch. I love how sweet you are as a dad.”

As you choose to focus on the positive, as you choose to speak kindly, as you choose to practice generosity in the small things, you will find that the irritation wasn’t as big of a deal after all.

What about if a situation is truly hurtful though? The same approach applies. Even when you need to have a difficult conversation, focus on what you can appreciate, first. And when you get to the hard stuff, you can choose to speak with respect and gentleness, using words that don’t wound your spouse instead of accidentally-on-purpose saying those things that you know will hurt them as much as your spouse hurt you. Thankfully, the more you use words of respect, the more you’ll feel that sense of respect rising up within you, even when there are very real issues to address.

In other words, as you let kindness and generosity flow through your communication and actions, it is far more likely that, in time, you’ll find happiness in your marriage flowing right along with it.

Photo Credit: Ian D. Keating via Compfight cc

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here .

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriagesand her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Killing the Divorce Myth With Kindness appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Husbands, signal love in a way she can feel it

Tip #41: Husbands, signal love in a way she can feel it

Recently at an event, a man came up to me looking worried – and confused. His wife had just told him that she felt they were “settling” in their marriage. That their marriage was mediocre. That she didn’t feel particularly loved. He was flabbergasted, since they had been married for 15 years, he was very happy, and he thought he was showing her how much he loved her. He looked at me blankly, as he tried to figure out the disconnect and what to do.

Guys, does this sound familiar? Do you ever hear your wife say things that could be quietly (or not so quietly) signaling a similar concern?

Let me encourage you to not let it go. Don’t ignore those signals from her. It is not necessarily that you have been living in some parallel universe, and have completely misread the last decade or two of your marriage. What you may have misread, however is the way you are letting your wife know that you love her. You may be saying it –but not in a way that she can get the message.

I have a friend who once told me that being with her husband was a bit like being a lonely radio receiving tower. She’s was sure, mentally, that her husband loved her, but since he didn’t broadcast that message on a frequency she could receive, well…she never received it. So she simply didn’t feel loved. After years of that, when the kids graduated from high school and they were empty nesters, she simply couldn’t take living in a loveless marriage anymore and asked him to move out. It took that big of an action to wake him up to what she’d been trying to tell him for so long. And thankfully, he did wake up, took it seriously, and worked hard to learn how to show his love, and their marriage is now better than it has ever been.

Here’s the key you need to know. You as a man probably rarely question whether your wife loves you. (“We’re married and living in the same house; of course we love each other!”) But most women never get that sense of certainty. My husband, Jeff, and I found in our research with women that 80% of women — even confident women in great relationships — have a subconscious daily question about whether they are loved and loveable. So you can put a ring on her finger and vow to love and cherish her forever… you can work seventy hour weeks to provide for her… but that doesn’t mean she’s going to feel loved and cherished for as long as you both shall live unless you send her one key message every day: that you would choose her all over again.

You may wonder how on earth you do that. Don’t be intimidated. You’ll be relieved to know that it is not usually the big, difficult-to-do actions that send her that message, but the little day-to-day ones.

When was the last time you sent her a text message telling her that you love her and that you are so grateful that she’s such a great mom to your kids? When is the last time you took a five minute break during work to call her and ask how her day was going? Have you put your arm around her recently, when you were out at a restaurant with friends? If she needed to talk about her problems with the kids or her work colleagues, have you learned how to listen to her feelings so she feels heard? When you’re grumpy or upset, when was the last time you pulled yourself out of it and reassured her that ‘Yeah, I’m having a bad day, but don’t worry: we’re okay.”

These little things add up, so learn them. They may not seem like a lot but, put together, they communicate your love to her in a way she can’t miss.

And start to pay attention to when she needs extra care! If it seems like your wife is having a rough day, mute your football game, put down the remote and go talk to her. Give her a hug or plant a kiss on her cheek as you walk through the kitchen. Tell her to go sit down, and that you’ll do the dishes. Get the kids ready for school in the mornings and let her sleep in.

Doing these little things that show your wife how much you love her will make her feel wooed and pursued all over again. And when you see your wife start to perk up and say she feels more loved…. Don’t stop! Do it more. You’ll be glad you did.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Photo Credit: @sage_solar via Compfight cc

This post first appeared as part of Marriage Mondays at Christian Post. Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

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