Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 71

How to take power away from the bad thoughts about your mate– and power up the good ones!

How to take power away from the bad thoughts about your mate– and power up the good ones!

Many of you are doing the 30 Day Kindness Challenge right now, and wrestling with this problem: you’re trying to stop yourself focusing on the negative things that are driving you crazy about your mate, and focus on the positive ones instead.  But you don’t know how to do that.

And you’re not alone! I’ve had the same conversations at many events the last few months.  I was recently speaking at a women’s event, explaining how to build a great relationship with men by recognizing how much self-doubt a man secretly carries (“Am I any good as a husband or father?”), and thus how powerful it is when his wife or girlfriend respects and appreciates him.  But how do respect him, some women understandably wondered, when all you can see are the bad things?  When you certainly don’t feel respect?

A few weeks earlier, Jeff and I were speaking at a men’s event. “Yes, I know my wife needs me to listen, to show her love, to be gentle and caring,” a man asked, “But she is angry and critical and it makes it really hard for me to feel loving toward her right now.”

How do we stop ourselves from focusing on the annoyance and negativity, when those concerns are so real?  How do we address the concern and yet not get stuck on it?  Do we just try to force ourselves to “not think about it?”

I recently interviewed Dr. Michael Sytsma, a nationally-respected therapist who also has a fascinating specialty in sex therapy and helping couples recover from the impacts of porn use, sexual addiction and the like.   Although we were primarily focused on some insight for my next book, he provided a tip that I thought would be helpful for the 30 Day Kindness Challenge – and anyone else who is trying to change how they think about their spouse.  So I didn’t want to wait for the book to share it!

Here’s the gist of what he said:

We’re told in the Bible and in a lot of the psychological research to “take captive” certain negative or harmful thoughts.  The problem is that when you’re trying to work through a very real concern, the more you try to NOT to focus on something the more power you give to it.

For example, I look at the couple who is dealing with an affair.  Telling them not to think about this big, obvious, overwhelming thing would be counterproductive – because then it becomes hard to not think about it.  It is like trying to not think about the pink elephant in the room.

I get this across by saying, “Do not imagine the pink elephant.  Do not think about its pink skin, or its wrinkly side or big ears.  Do not think about its big, pink feet.”  And the couple always chuckles, because now they are thinking more about it.

So how do you NOT think about it?  Well, you could distract your thoughts, and think about a purple alligator instead.  And that distraction can be a good start. But it only partially works.

Instead, I tell the couple: when we want to think about the pink elephant in the corner of the room, what if we picture a grey African elephant on the savannah instead?  Something healthy, functioning the way it is supposed to be, where it is supposed to be.  Picture the grey African elephant walking across the grassland.  Hear its footfall.  Feel the thud through the earth as it makes its way.  Hear the grass whispering against its side as it passes, walking down toward the river, maybe with a baby tagging along behind.

I ask the couple: Can you see it?  And they always say yes.

Then I ask, “Now, where is the pink elephant?”  It’s gone.

Can I picture that pink elephant again if I want to?  Yes.  It may be there in the back of my mind.  That concern may still be there.  But it doesn’t have the same power anymore.

The Bible talks about setting your affection on things above, not earthly things.  If you do that, if you think about what is pure and lovely and admirable, it is a lot easier to not think about the negative.

So suppose you have a wife who is afraid her husband doesn’t love her, because he doesn’t really say loving things.  Perhaps he is more distant.  Maybe he comes home and sits in front of the television every evening and doesn’t talk much.  Or maybe he works a lot.  She’s worried.  So it is easy for her to think of her fear.  But that is the pink elephant.

What is the grey elephant?  What is that which is lovely and true?  What would be setting her mind on things above?  She can tell herself, “I may feel unloved, but I know my husband loves me.  He hasn’t figured out how to do it well yet.  But I can remind myself that he did this good thing and said that good thing.  He wants to do better.  And I know he loves me and he has a good heart.”

This works.  When I do this in a workshop, couples experience it profoundly. Those negative thoughts – the pink elephant stuff — is in the back of my mind but it doesn’t have power anymore.  The more you fought against it the more power you gave it.  But when you think on things above, it doesn’t have power anymore.

So let me encourage you who are doing the 30 Day Kindness Challenge – or are simply trying to avoid get stuck in a negative loop: set your mind on things above.  Find that one thing each day you can praise about your mate, and tell him or her.  And if you don’t feel kindly toward your partner, treat them kindly anyway.  Do the right thing, regardless.  And thankfully, as we found in the research with the happiest couples, for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages you’ll find your feelings will follow.

 

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Taking a “Second Glance” at a Woman

When I was writing my book For Women Only, one of the subjects I struggled with the most was what I was learning about men’s visual nature, and the fact that even the most godly, devoted husband had an automatic temptation to notice when an attractive woman who was showing off her figure walked by.   Of course, we all hope the man will honor his wife and the Lord and try his hardest not to give into the temptation to look – but how should a wife handle it if he does?

In discussing the findings with Jeff, he had a few things to say about visual temptation.

1) Just because men are indeed visually wired to notice a woman who is showing off her figure, that doesn’t mean they are wired to gawk at her.  Every man has a choice!  But some men unfortunately do give into the temptation to privately stare.  They tend to justify it by thinking it is no big deal – it’s just a second glance.  Or a third glance.

 2) It is easy for men to tell themselves it is no big deal, but they need to know that for many women it feels like a very big deal.  In our research of thousands of women, it was surprising the number of wives who said it tore them up inside when they noticed their husband trying to take a second glance.  Especially if it was something he did on a regular basis.

The message to the guys is:  I know you love your wife and don’t want to hurt her.  Many men have told me they don’t understand why a “second glance” might indeed be hurtful.  Guys have said, “She knows it’s just a guy thing – that I don’t care about this other woman at all.” But most women don’t get that.  There is something inside every woman that says “where his eyes are going is an indication of where his heart would like to go.” 

And the Bible actually agrees with that.  As Jesus put it, “anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) They haven’t been physically intimate with another woman, but according to the Word, giving into the temptation to visually linger on another woman is a form of unfaithfulness.

And ladies, if this is something you see, and it hurts you, this is something you absolutely can and should address.  But before you do, please remember that most men really don’t want to have this visual temptation or to be hammered by all that they see every day in this culture.  Most men love and want to honor their wives, and need their wife to understand just how exhausting it is to live in this sexually-explicit culture and to be confronted with these images every day.

But that said, if he has justified a pattern of “second glances”, it is totally fine for you to tell him that it is hurting your feelings.  If he doesn’t understand why, it may help for you to calmly explain what you feel like when he displays that pattern of behavior.

Every guy wants to be his wife’s hero.  Let him know that you totally understand just how visually tempting this culture is – but that it doesn’t change the fact that it hurts when he gives in.  Tell him that when he summons the strength to look away from the temptation that it makes you feel cared for and protected.  Because being the protector of his wife is the thing every man wants to be.

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Husbands, say “we’re okay” before sleeping on it

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths men and women tend not to know about each other–but which change everything once we do.

 

Tip #46: Husbands, say “we’re okay” before sleeping on it

Guys, there you are, late at night, in the middle of an argument, exhausted, frustrated– and still going at it, because you’ve been advised, “Don’t go to bed mad.” You are so tired you don’t even know what you’re thinking right then, much less how to magically get happy again, so you can go to bed. And your blood pressure is rising because every time you say “we need to sleep on it,” your wife looks panicky and says “No, we need to resolve it!”

So what do you do?

You have to see when it important to sleep on it… and what you can do that will make it feasible not just for you, but your wife as well.

Now, to be clear: many couples experience disagreements at bedtime and choose to stay up and “talk it out” because they feel it is the right thing to do and they can handle the exhaustion and emotion well. But for many of us… well…sometimes it’s better to get some sleep!

Here’s the key: that oft-quoted verse “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” actually doesn’t mean “Don’t go to bed mad.” Instead, in that first verse, the Apostle Paul is actually quoting a passage from Psalm 4:4 that says, “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.” Seriously! Ultimately, the goal is to not sin – to not hurt your spouse in your anger, exhaustion and frustration. Which is why the research with the most happily married couples found that if they were at risk of saying something they didn’t mean, agreeing to something they would resent later, or simply being harsh in their exhaustion, it was time to stop battling it out and get to bed.

The problem, though, is that this solution risks being great for the person who is aching to go to sleep and think things through — and torture for the one who will stay up all night thinking through all things!

I’ll give you one guess which, statistically, is more likely to be the wife!

The key to “sleeping on it,” well, is to always always always reassure your wife when you have to take a break – even when you most don’t feel like it! In our research, eight in ten women deeply need some type of “we’re okay” reassurance in the midst of an argument – especially one that is essentially going to be “hanging out there” until morning. So even when you are furious, be willing to say something like this: “Honey, I don’t want to risk saying something that will hurt you because I’m tired. Let’s talk tomorrow. But I want you to know: I love you, and we’re okay.”

It makes all the difference to reassure your wife that the issue is important to you, that you want to resolve it, and that you love her no matter how upset she may be in the moment. No matter how furious and angry you are, she needs to hear that. Even more, she needs to feel it. So think about scooting over and giving her a hug. Without those words (and perhaps those actions), you will be able to put your concerns aside and get some sleep — while she will be up all night with her head spinning.

Sure, it may be hard to give that reassurance when you’re angry, or give that quick hug when you’re upset, but that is where God’s help comes in. When we ask, He gives what we need. He wants to help us lead our marriages to be healthy, happy and strong. And millions of couples have found that relying on His strength to do what the other most needs, ultimately leads to the best resolution of all.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Today Starts The 30 Day Kindness Challenge!

 

Today Starts The 30 Day Kindness Challenge!

And weeeeee’re off!  The starter’s gun has fired and we’re off and running on a thirty day marathon that will lead to some very cool encouragement in our lives and marriages.

Just as a quick review, here’s the race set before us (the 30 Day Kindness Challenge).  For the next 30 days:

We are not going to be saying anything negative about our spouse – either to them or about them to someone else.  Not to a friend, mother, colleague – zip!
Each day, we are going to find one thing positive that we can affirm and be grateful for about our spouse, and we are going to tell our spouse that thing and tell one other person (tell the friend, mom or coworker!)
Each day, we are going to be doing at least one small act of kindness for our spouse.

I hope you’re excited about this, because I sure am.  I’ve seen the life change that comes from doing this – I’ll be sharing a few of those stories in the coming days!

I’ll also be sharing stories from this challenge – from my friends, colleagues and staff who are doing this with me, and from you!  So share your stories on Facebook or write in on my blog.  We will be very honest about the “real deal” so I’m going to be sharing not only the encouraging stuff, but my mess-ups!

So you ready to go?  Here are three tips for a successful 30 Day Kindness Challenge:

Success Tip #1:  Run the race with a partner – or a gaggle!

Grab a friend or four to do this with you.  It will be SO much easier if you have friends running this 30 day race alongside.

Ladies: a few days after I recently mentioned this Challenge at a large church women’s event, the event organizer told me the women in her church were talking about this everywhere — so I KNOW you’ll be able to find some girlfriends to join you!

Guys: even though I know you aren’t usually as quick to gather a coffee klatch together (!), get a buddy to join you in this.  If your wife is doing the Challenge with you, great – get another couple to join you!  But even if your wife isn’t doing this, try to enlist another guy who you can bounce things off of, encourage and support.  And feel free to post questions and comments on Facebook to get input from others on the course!

Success Tip #2:  Notice what your spouse sees as negative!

For this to work, you’ll need to pay very, VERY close attention to what your spouse or significant other sees as ‘saying something negative about them.’  You may view something as teasing (“You’re never been able to figure out how to handle that colleague of yours!”) that he or she views as torture (My spouse thinks I’m an idiot).

And it is their perception that matters here.  After all, most of us don’t say something we think is overtly negative:  We know “you’re fat” ain’t gonna go over so well.  So we don’t say it.  But we do sometimes roll our eyes and say “It drives me nuts when you drive below the speed limit.”  Or “I can’t believe he made us late.  He was snailing along in the right lane again.  As if that will make him a safer driver…”

Now to be clear: The 30 Day Kindness Challenge doesn’t mean we can’t address problems that need to be address!  But for the next 30 days we are going to focus on being kind.   We will discover in a very, very immediate way that it is not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it, that changes everything. (“Honey, I’m so grateful you work so hard to be a safe driver for our family.  Thank you for that.  At some point, I’d love to talk to you about whether we can start leaving a few minutes earlier, since I get anxious when we’re at risk of being late.”)

Success Tip #3: Try a gift journal for your mate – but write in your own personal journal, too!

This challenge ends Valentine’s Day, and for those of you who are interested: buy a gift journal and write your answers to #2 in it every single day. Record your grateful thoughts about your spouse or significant other.  And then give it to them on the big day as a very, very special Valentine’s Day present.

But also… if you have your own personal journal… keep track of what happens this month.   Write down what you said and how they responded.  Notice and make a note of the things they begin to say.  Record the words you used that really made an encouraging difference… and those that, well, required a few penitent prayers!

The more you do this, the more you’ll be teaching yourself what works.  And the more you apply what works, the more you will see the 30 Day Kindness Challenge leading you to exactly where you want to be!

With you on the journey….

- Shaunti

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Am I Beautiful?

See if this pulls up a familiar image in your mind: a dutiful husband is pulling “purse duty” just outside the changing rooms as his wife tries on new clothes at the mall when, suddenly, his wife emerges and proclaims that nothing “looks right.”

And how many guys have been dressed, sitting on the couch ready to go, while their woman is in the bathroom working on her tenth hair style?

Now, I know what you might be thinking: guys are just lucky they don’t have to be so high-maintenance! Of course, we don’t change our hairstyle a hundred times or worry about that extra ten pounds just for vanity’s sake. After interviews and surveys with thousands of women for our book For Men Only, Jeff and I learned that we can show the guys out there that many of these puzzling or even exasperating behaviors are just signals of a deep need that women have for their man to find them beautiful. We are trying to feel beautiful — and are trying to catch – and keep – the attention of our man.

Jeff and I have a teen daughter, and when she was a little girl, she would often twirl around in her costume dress, asking Jeff if he thought she was pretty. It obviously meant so much to her when he told her that she was beautiful – inside and out. Well, our research for the book showed us that that little girl still exists inside every woman, and she is still asking the most important man in her life, “Am I beautiful?”

In fact, 90 percent of the women we surveyed said that hearing their man say they were beautiful made their day, and a very large percentage of women said they actually need to hear it.

That research showed Jeff just how much hearing those words meant not only to our daughter, but to me, too. He confessed to me that he felt he was guilty of saying them all too infrequently, but it was honestly because he didn’t realize I needed to hear them. He thought I already knew how he felt! Our research served as a wake-up call for Jeff to learn that no matter how successful women are, or how confident they look on the outside, on the inside they long to hear that they still wow their man.

Since we live in a culture that tells women they have to have the body of Angelina Jolie in order to be beautiful, many of us as women doubt that our man could really enjoy our individuality if we don’t look like a supermodel. In our eyes, our little flaws look like enormous imperfections that he couldn’t possibly love. So getting that affirmation from our man is even more important.

The good news is that it only takes a moment to let your wife know she still makes you catch your breath. So, guys, the next time your wife looks radiant…say so!

And for goodness sake, the next time she is taking forever to get ready in the bathroom, don’t get annoyed! Feel honored that she wants to look her best for you, and thank her.

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The 30 Day Kindness Challenge is Almost Here!

Hey everyone!

The 30 Day Kindness Challenge is almost here!

Starting January 16, I hope you’ll join us for the 30 Day Kindness Challenge  to give new life, health and enjoyment to your marriage or dating relationship in this New Year!

About 10 years ago, in one of my first radio interviews on For Women Only, I sat down with one of my favorite people: Nancy Leigh Demoss. In one radio break, she told me, “We have some hurting women who call into our program, and we can tell them their husband needs respect, but given all that has happened, they just don’t feel respect. They need something to help change how they feel. So I’m going to issue what I call the 30 Day Challenge.”

What she shared that day rocked my world, and since then I have not only issued that challenge myself to many women and men, but have tested it extensively in my research. I’ve watched time and time again as other independent findings, such as from one of my great research heroes, John Gottman, have backed up the principles behind it.

Bottom line: I’ve found the 30-Day Challenge to be one of the best tools in existence for helping to restore a hurting relationship or making a good relationship even better!

I’ve added to the challenge and adapted it slightly over the years for many individuals, but this is the first time I’m issuing the challenge far and wide for thousands of us to do this together, at the same time! Some of my favorite author/speaker friends are joining in, like Kathi Lipp– and I hope you will, too!

So starting January 16 and ending Valentine’s Day, February 14, here’s the 30-Day Kindness Challenge in a nutshell:

1. Don’t say anything negative about your spouse or significant other – either to them or about them to someone else.

2. Each day, find at least one thing that you appreciate and/or enjoy about your mate, and tell them and tell at least one other person.

3. Each day, do one little act of kindness for your mate.

This means avoiding any words or tone that your spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend will perceive as negative, critical or unloving (even if you wouldn’t have taken it that way). This means looking for and saying out loud the good each day. (I promise, you’ll find it!) And it means purposefully doing something small that is kind and generous, whether that means bringing your wife coffee in the morning, leaving your husband a sticky note saying “thank you” for something he did the night before, or jumping in to do a chore that is traditionally not yours.

We’ll be throwing out ideas each day via all our various social media outlets, but you’ll come up with many of your own ideas too. We will look forward to hearing your ideas, and your stories as we go! It will be easiest to follow along with the 30 Day Challenge by following us on Facebook, so that you will see our posts in your newsfeed each day! Also feel free to Subscribe to Shaunti’s newsletter and/or blog posts to stay connected throughout the challenge. Click here to sign up! 

And if you want a very special Valentine’s Day gift for your spouse or boyfriend /girlfriend, buy a journal and don’t just say your thoughts of appreciation, but record them. Then on February 14, the last day of the Challenge, give the journal as a gift – and watch their face as they see what you’ve written!

Join us! For the next 30 days, change what you think, say and do and watch your marriage change too!

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Wives, Think Before You Blurt!

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other–and which change everything once we do.

 

 

Tip #45: Wives, Think Before You Blurt!

As a child, each of us was told, “You’ve got to learn to think before you speak.” But I’ve seen we need to refine that edict if we want a great marriage: we’ve got to learn to think before we blurt!

And it turns out that those of us who happen to be of the female gender need to be particularly mindful of this concept. Why? Well, we already tend to be more verbal than our husbands – but we also tend to process out loud. If we’re not careful, that can trigger an all-too-common problem.

In our research with men, it was clear that one of a man’s most painful feelings comes when he tries to do something (fix the sink, dress the kids, find a new route around construction to the restaurant), and then gets the sense that he’s inadequate: that his wife has examined him and found him wanting.

Yet in our research with women, it was clear that women think things through by talking them through; in other words, they start the process of examination by jumping in and analyzing it verbally.

See the problem? All too often, we women casually throw something out there (“Why’d you go down Main Street? All these stoplights will make us late.”), and we think we’re opening a conversation. After all, another woman would catch the conversational ball and say “Oh, I’m only going to be on Main Street two blocks. There’s a parallel road I’m going to try in a second, and that should be faster.”

But because most men don’t generally process out loud, our man hears what we blurt out — our conversational starting point — and thinks it’s an ending point. He hears: “I’ve thought it through, and decided you’re an idiot for going this way.” In his mind, he was trying his best to get around a challenging situation, and make you happy by getting the two of you to dinner with friends on time – and you’re saying that he utterly failed. He feels inadequate, stupid, and humiliated. So he gets angry (a man’s signal of feeling inadequate) and stops talking.

You notice that he seems a bit upset, and then you get defensive. “For goodness sakes,” you blurt out, in Round Two of trying to explore what is happening, “What did I say? There’s no need to get so oversensitive!”

Great, he thinks, Not only am I stupid for trying to do something nice, but now I’m a jerk for not liking the fact that I’m being made to feel stupid.

At that point he really shuts down. He gets that look on his face. That look that says we probably won’t be having a nice evening together at the restaurant.

We can change this pattern by learning to think before we blurt. It is easy enough in theory, but in practice will require the same attentiveness you put into learning how to think before you spoke as a kid. It means learning those situations where you’ll have a tendency to “throw something out” that could hurt your man’s feelings without ever intending to.

For example, any time you see him do something that seems odd, or foolish, or like a bad choice, instead of just throwing out “why ___?” stop and realize that not only might he have a perfectly good reason, but he’s going to take your opening statement as criticism. And let’s be honest: in a way, he’s right. After all, you wouldn’t be raising it at all if you thought he was on the right track, would you?

So either wait and see what happens (which he will deeply appreciate), or if you truly need to say something, pause and be sure you’re raising it in a way that will limit the chance of being perceived as criticizing him. One good option: start with affirmation, and explain that the reason you’re saying anything is that you are troubled. “Honey, I know you usually avoid this street because of all the stop lights. I’m a bit anxious about being there on time.”

As one man explained it to me, “If you can help me understand the cost to you in this choice I’ve made, it makes me much more willing to be open to suggestions or questions. Because then it isn’t criticism. It is explaining that you’re anxious – and then I can help solve that for you.”

If you want to try to build a different habit, the best method is to practice catching yourself before saying those things that could be seen as negative, and saying affirming things instead. Consider joining us for the 30 Day Kindness Challenge later this week, that will end on Valentine’s Day, which will help us do exactly that!

We can all probably relate to having blurted out something, and then wished like crazy we could take it back. It will be a huge boon to our marriages to learn how to pause, and handle it in a good way from the beginning!

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Mondays series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

 

 

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Join us for the 30 Day Kindness Challenge!

New Year, New Enjoyment in Your Marriage / Relationship!

Join us for the 30 Day Kindness Challenge!

January 16 – Valentine’s Day

Hi friends!

We have a fun initiative coming up with several author/speaker friends, and would love you to join us.  Starting January 16 and ending Valentine’s Day here’s the challenge:

Don’t say anything negative about your spouse or significant other – either to them or about them to someone else.
Each day, find at least one thing that you appreciate and/or enjoy about your mate, and tell them and tell at least one other person.
Each day, do one little act of kindness for them.

That’s it!

Whether your relationship is rah-rah or rocky, doing those three little things will be the best possible gift you can give yourself and your relationship.  Try it and see!

A great Valentine’s Day present idea: buy a journal or notebook, record a sentence or two about #2 each day, perhaps capture a great story or two, and give it to your mate on V-Day night.

Follow any of us on social media to join in!  Over those 30 days, we’ll be sharing our stories and can’t wait to hear yours.

Your friends,

Shaunti Feldhahn and Kathi Lipp

Change what you think, say and do and watch your marriage change too!

 

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The Best Habit for Improving Marriages (A Note for Leaders)

Hi Leaders!  Thank you for all you do!  I have a suggestion for an upcoming habit-changing initiative that will dramatically help the couples in your church, small group or counseling practice.

The Premise

In one of my early For Women Only radio interviews, Nancy Leigh Demoss suggested something to her listeners that I have since researched and found to be one of THE most important habits for transforming a hurting relationship or making a good one great — because it actually makes someone much more satisfied with their marriage!  We are starting a thirty-day initiative shortly, and I’d love to recommend it to the couples you work with!  They can follow along on our social media, or we will send you the links to all the posts so you can share each daily post with your couples.

The Need

We can tell a wife that her husband needs respect and appreciation, but what if she doesn’t feel he deserves it? We can tell a man his wife needs certain actions to feel loved, but what if he is upset and irritated and doesn’t feel like it?  The couple can and should do the right thing, regardless of how they feel — but how much better for a spouse to WANT to do the right thing because they have come to feel so much more respect, love, appreciation and gratitude for their spouse, and so much less dissatisfaction! That is where our 30 Day Kindness Challenge comes in. It is basically a practical application of Philippians 4:8 (think on whatever is worthy of praise….) that will create a whole new mindset – and a whole new habit.

The Schedule: January 16 – Valentine’s Day! (Or whenever your people can join in.)

We are starting the 30 Day Kindness Challenge this Friday January 16 and ending on Valentine’s Day (with an optional but very meaningful gift that someone can give their spouse on the big day).  I hope you’ll join us – and share this with your people!  It’s easy to share.

They can either follow along on our social media with our schedule (starting Friday, January 16th, or if you would like to receive those links by email just send a request to  LCrews@shaunti.com  and we will email them to you. Then just follow the link and SHARE the post over the 30 days to keep wives and/or husbands engaged with the challenge!

Whichever way you do it, we hope you will join us!  We would love to see tens of thousands of marriages being transformed, renewed or just plain enjoying life together more! Get the details of the challenge below.

-Shaunti

 THE CHALLENGE:

For 30 Days Change What You Think, Say and Do, And Watch Your Marriage Change Too!

Starting January 16 and ending Valentine’s Day, February 14, we hope you will join us for the 30 Day Kindness Challenge! What is the challenge? For 30 days:

1. Don’t say anything negative to or about your spouse or significant other. 

2. Find at least one thing each day that you appreciate about your mate, and tell them and at least one other person.

3. Each day, do one little act of kindness for your mate.

It’s that simple! Whether your relationship is rah-rah or rocky, doing these three little things will be the best possible gift you can give yourself and your relationship. Try it and see! Maybe enlist a few friends and do it as a group. Then join us for the 30 Day Challenge by liking us on Facebook so that you can receive our tips and ideas for each day of the challenge!

The post The Best Habit for Improving Marriages (A Note for Leaders) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What Does It Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually?

What Does It Mean to Lead Your Daughter Spiritually?

Guest post by Dr. Michelle J. Watson.

Dads…I realize that I may be treading on sacred ground here as I provide you with suggestions about what it means to be a spiritual influence in your daughter’s life, so please understand that I am approaching this subject with the greatest of respect. I am not seeking to dictate or dominate because I realize that spiritual beliefs and practices are a very personal thing. But I would like to propose some ideas of what it means to spiritually lead your daughters, not only based on my experience but also from first hand information that I’ve received from girls who have stated what they would like more of from their dads.

I trust that you will take this information and glean from it in action and not just in head knowledge.

Here are some practical things that you can start doing today in order to engage your daughter spiritually:

You all know the quote well by now that “more is caught than taught.” Let her see you engaging

in your own spiritual practices.


Pray with her about things going on in her life, which means that you’re asking her questions about her life, boys, school, work, commitments, friends, activities, etc.


Tell her what God is doing in your life. Talk about answers to your prayers.


Write out a prayer for her in a note, through a text, or an email.


Open up about what you’re learning from the Bible…or a book or study (not in a way that preaches at her or has hidden statements to convict her. This is about you sharing what you are personally gleaning spiritually in your own life. Be vulnerable and honest).


Share how God is convicting you. This one may be harder to open up about and one where discretion obviously is warranted, but if you let your daughter know how God is speaking to you, followed with modeling the fact that you are listening and responding, this will go farther than any lecture you can ever give her.


Reveal your own questions about spiritual things. Let her know you have questions about God, the Bible, theology, church practices, etc. while demonstrating that asking questions is normal and healthy. Find answers to her questions and make it fun to search for answers with her and on your own. Make it a creative process to find answers, then report back on what you find. 


Ask her what she believes. Listen, learn and no lectures. Ask questions to draw her out without necessarily sharing your beliefs at first because if this is new for you to dialogue about spiritual things, it may take awhile for her to open up honestly. Wisely choose your words without lecturing. Take an interest in her beliefs and look through her eyes. Seek to understand her.


Go to a Christian/spiritual concert with her by one of her favorite artists.


Attend her church with her or invite her to yours. Talk about the sermon afterwards.


Sing worship songs with her and listen to the lyrics that touch her spirit.


Ask her to share about a spiritually significant time in her life. Then share one of yours.


Buy her a book on a spiritual theme. Read it with her. Share what you both learn.

Author bio: Michelle Watson has had a clinical counseling practice in Portland, Oregon for the past 17 years. She is founder of The Abba Project, a forum to equip dads with daughters ages 13 to 30 to dial in with more intention, and author of the recently released book Dad, Here’s What I Really Need from You: A Guide for Connecting with Your Daughter’s Heart. Please visit www.drmichellewatson.com for more information.

Image credit: “The smile that would make you happy.” by Lara Cores is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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