Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 70

What Women Want … In a War of Words

Dear Shaunti, 

The other day, I got into a huge fight with my wife. I was mad and couldn’t talk to her. I was worried I would say something bad and be a total jerk. But the next day when things simmered down, she told me she didn’t know if I still loved her.  Seriously?! And this isn’t the first time. Whenever we fight, she starts getting a lot of doubts and seems to question my commitment to our marriage.  Why does she do that and how can I explain that an argument is just an argument?

Sincerely,

Confused but Committed

Dear Confused,

You know you’re committed, but your wife may not… at least subconsciously. I know what you’re thinking: “But she should know I love her! I mean, we’re arguing and I’m upset, but it doesn’t mean I care about her any less!” The problem is: that is what you’re thinking. You need to know what she’s thinking.

See, there’s something you need to know about women. The vast majority of women (somewhere between 80 and 90 percent according to our nationally-representative surveys) secretly wonder things like: Am I lovable? Does he really love me? Would he choose me all over again? Even confident women in great relationships have those doubts and questions running under the surface.

Bottom line: your wife is not like you. You see, when you said, “I do,” you thought the deal was done, and in all likelihood, the question “Does she love me?” hasn’t crossed your mind since. However, for her, because of her (very typical) concerns, “I do” will probably always mean “Do you still?”

Now, on a conscious level, she probably knows logically that you love her and that hasn’t changed just because you’re arguing. But under the surface is where the doubt lives – and when there is conflict, that doubt decides to rise to the surface and move in! So suddenly, her feelings need convincing proof that you’re still there for her.   In fact, either conflict or your withdrawal from the situation can trigger her worry — and the situation you described has both!

So what do you do? When there is conflict, she needs to be reassured. You need to remind her that you still love her, because if you don’t, it’s going to be there roiling inside her, making her feel insecure, miserable and preoccupied. Many women in our research told us, “I know it isn’t the most liberated feeling, but when I know he’s displeased with me, it is like nothing is right with the world until that is resolved.” In fact, without specific reassurance, she may continue to wonder and doubt even after the skirmish seems like yesterday’s news.

What does that reassurance look like? When you’re upset and need some space, reassure her that you love her and that the two of you are going to be fine, before you pull away. Tell her something like, “I’m angry and I need some space… but I want you to know: we’re okay.”  Then after you’ve had some time to think, give her a hug. Do something thoughtful to show her you still care (post a sticky note on her mirror where she’ll see it; give her that sideways smile that the two of you know means the argument is over; apologize for being grumpy…).

When there is conflict, you’ll need to know what your battle plan will be in advance, so you don’t forget it all in the heat of the moment. And the more you try this type of reassurance-before-and-after-getting-space, the easier it will be. With the right words and actions, you’ll win and she will, too. And soon, you’ll be so good at making her feel secure that you’ll look back and hardly remember the days when her doubt used to rise up and move in.

Photo Credit: Andrea Guerra via Compfight cc

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post What Women Want … In a War of Words appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

When things get heated, be more kind.

A note from Shaunti: As many of you know, we just completed the 30 Day Kindness Challenge on Valentine’s Day.  This post is just one small go-forward reminder to all of us not to stop our efforts!

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.

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Tip #48: When things get heated, be more kind.

All of us have seen that our words can be that “spark” that sets the whole forest on fire, as the Bible puts it. And I’m guessing that when you or I are at odds with a friend or colleague and having an intense “discussion,” we are usually very mindful of what we say. When things suddenly get heated, we try to be careful about how we phrase things, so we don’t start that fire unnecessarily. Right?

So let me ask the next question: when something happens with our spouse and things suddenly get heated, how many of us skip the “careful” step and go right into burning the forest down?

Hm.

One woman told me that she snapped at her husband five times in a row within a one-hour span while they were disagreeing on some home renovations. (“Well, if you would have read the instructions, we wouldn’t have to do it over!”) And he finally looked at her and said, “If you were in the middle of a disagreement over a project at work, would you have said any of those things to your colleagues?”

Because we love our spouse, it is so easy to let our guard down. Which is good. That is as it should be. But unfortunately, all too often, our next step is that we take our spouse for granted. We take intimacy for license. We subconsciously think, “We’re married, we don’t have to be polite to each other.” It’s easy to fall into that way of thinking — but it’s poisonous to the relationship.

In research I have done with really happy couples, I’ve noticed something quite different: a high degree of kindness. Especially when they knew they might otherwise snap or snarl. One of the things that made them so happy was that they were especially careful of their spouse’s feelings. They could be transparent, they could argue (or, as one wife put it, “We have intense marital fellowship”), and they certainly shared tough things that needed to be said… but that is also when they were purposeful about being kind in the words and tone of voice they used. They actively tried to not say things in a way that their mate would perceive as hurtful.

So what should you do the next time you are in the middle of “intense marital fellowship” and you find yourself about to say something that may be honest but is also likely to be hurtful? First, hold your tongue! Think about how you can communicate what you need to honestly, but with kindness and grace instead of bluntness and rancor. Tell your wife what a great mom she is, before you tackle the fact that she let the kids go way over on their expensive data use again this month. When you’re tempted to growl at your husband because he forgot to pick up Johnny at practice and you had to skip your big meeting to go get him, make sure you also say how much you appreciate your husband’s efforts.

And don’t stop if your efforts are one-sided at first. Kindness is catching. While there is no guarantee, if you decide to be kind in the hard times, no matter what, you’ll probably see your spouse become convicted by their comparatively grouchy behavior. They will, in most cases, want to be kind, too.

Bottom line: The kinder you are, even in the tough things, the more your relationship will be a safe place, where you can be yourself. Because each spouse will be able to trust the other to be their kindest self.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Mondays series!

 Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here. 

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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30 Days and Counting….

So today is a big day for some of us. It is Valentine’s Day… and for those who have been doing the 30-Day Kindness Challenge it is also Day 30!

For those of you who were planning on a gift journal… do you have it ready as your Valentine’s Day present? Putting all your affirming comments in print will be one of the greatest gifts you could give your spouse!

But even more important… how’d you do?

Whether or not you’ve been officially doing the Challenge, let’s take stock of our patterns of word and action in the last month. Let’s look at these three statements and ask ourselves: how well do they “fit” my last 30 days?

I have said nothing negative to or about my spouse (either to them or about them to someone else!)
I have found at least one thing every day that I can affirm or appreciate about my spouse, and each day I have talked about those positive actions or qualities to both my spouse and at least one other person.
I have done one small act of kindness or generosity for my spouse each day.

Let’s be honest: when we look at the list like that, it can seem daunting… but ultimately, most of these statements should actually be the lifestyle we aim to live! They should reflect at least the basic pattern of our words and actions, not a white-knuckled effort. A lifestyle and a pattern that evidences the same sort of kindness, affirmation, and grace we would want shown to us. Sure, the “say nothing negative for 30 days” is a big short-term action to jolt our thinking onto a different track – but we also want to stay on that new track as much as possible, right?

So how do we keep it going? How do we build a lifestyle?   Well, in everything from my corporate events to my women’s Bible Studies, I’ve seen that when we’re working on trying something new – when trying to master a new pattern, a new thought process, a new skill – it is so critical to look at how we’ve done… and make plans for how we’ll do in the future. And it is just as important to give ourselves credit for where we’ve done well, as to look at what we – er – could have done differently.

So how’d we do? I’ll go first.

I have had a lot of practice at the “telling my husband what I appreciate about him” and “not being negative” side of things, since I started trying to learn that about 10 years ago, in the first few years of seeing the research on how crucial that is. So I did okay on that. Most of the time.

But on a few other items on the list, I must admit… I’m flinching.

There were a few difficult days in there where I just might (possibly, maybe) have given short shrift to the “talk about how wonderful he is” angle. Even though my husband is wonderful. (Can I make up for it now?!)

And I hate to admit this out loud (so to speak) but there were other days where I absolutely, completely forgot entirely. I flopped into bed at the end of a long day, only to realize: I did not do one purposeful thing to be kind to my husband today. I didn’t say anything negative, and I’m sure I said something positive… but it wasn’t because I was thinking about it. I need a much, much better system for reminders. Because my husband is worth it. Our relationship is worth it. And if I’m not purposeful, I know myself well enough to know that inertia will take over.

How about you?   What did you do well… and what do you most need to work on? Did you find it easy to praise your wife each day but difficult to come up with an act of kindness? Did you realize it was easy to stop yourself from screeching at your husband – but a lot harder to stop yourself from complaining about him to your co-worker later?

Whatever it is that you come up with… write it down in your own personal journal. Make a commitment to yourself, and to God, about what you’ll try not just for 30 days… but as a lifestyle. And then keep track of how you do! Perhaps enlist a friend and keep going. You’ve already built some great habits, so keep ‘em up! You’ll find that a lifestyle of kindness, positivity and grace is worth every bit of effort it takes to get there!

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How can I convince my male colleagues that I am successful?

Dear Shaunti,

I am back in the workforce after ten years as a stay-at-home mom, and I know my experience juggling kids has prepared me well for my new project manager job. After all, before 7 am each morning alone, I have a husband and three kids to get fed, clothed, and out the door before racing to make our daily staff meeting. My female colleagues totally “get” that I’m prepared for this job, but I need to make sure my male colleagues take me seriously.

Over the last few days, several of my key colleagues have asked how I was doing with managing several projects at once, and I said I was doing great. I usually explain what I have to accomplish each day as a working mom to show that these projects are nowhere near as stressful. But they’re still treating me more like “the little woman” than an equal professional and it is making me mad. How can I gain their confidence?

- Good Juggler

Dear Juggler –

Your strategy is well-intentioned but has backfired on you. I know this is going to sound harsh, but you’re still acting like a stay-at-home mom multitasker, just a stay-at-home mom multitasker who is now in an office instead of a household.

But doing a great job in an office environment requires a lot more than just the ability to handle all the work thrown at you. It requires the ability to read the culture and manage how you’re perceived, so you’re taken seriously and seen as the skilled professional you are. It sounds like you are very aware of that fact, but not very aware of what it takes to get there – especially with your male colleagues.

So here’s a quick primer. According to my research about the expectations of men in the workplace, men simply don’t want to hear about a colleague’s personal life. In the minds of most men, in fact, when you leave home, drive across town, and walk through the office doors, you are no longer in the world of children, spouses, hectic mornings, and everything that comes with it. Instead, it is almost like you’re on a different planet; and on Planet Work there’s only one focus: your job. In a way, Planet Home Life doesn’t even exist during those hours.

So as wild as your daily “circus” may be sometimes – and as much as it truly has prepared you for your multitasking work job — you need to know that oversharing about your balancing act to your male co-workers might not be the best idea. The best way for you to be taken seriously is to show them that you are able to handle the balancing act work while never mentioning your balancing act at home.

The reason you’re being treated as “the little woman” is that you are communicating like someone from the world of home, motherhood, and personal stress rather than communicating like someone on Planet Work. Many men in my research have also told me that when female co-workers “drag” their personal lives into the office it puts up a barrier and makes it very difficult for a man to relate. It is like you’re speaking an alien language that simply doesn’t belong.

You also need to know that your strength of multitasking could even be viewed as a weakness. Men can assume female co-workers are “distracted” by something that intrudes from personal world. After all, because of the way the male brain is wired to focus on one thing at a time, if that man were to get a personal phone call at work, he might find it difficult to get back into “the zone” a few minutes later. Women’s brains, of course, allow us to hang up from the call with our husband and immediately jump right back into that document we were updating. But many men simply don’t realize that, because it is often not the case for them.

Bottom line: No matter how skilled or successful we as women are, we may not be perceived that way unless our male colleagues see us communicating in a way that stays almost entirely focused on business. Especially when we are just getting to know our colleagues.

So right now, as you are still being evaluated, you might want to go a bit above and beyond to be seen as all business. That doesn’t mean being cold and hard, though. You can still be warm, friendly, and personable without being seen as personal. If you get a personal call at work, step into a hallway and take it on your personal cell phone. If you’ve had a hectic morning or are overwhelmed by what has happened at home, take a moment when you pull into the parking lot to take a deep breath, clear your mind, and get prepared to focus on the tasks at hand without mentioning to any of your male colleagues what a crazy day it has already been. When communicating in full-business-mode with your male co-workers, they will then engage, collaborate, and give you respect.

You’ve heard about the need to be “fully present” when you’re at home to show your family that you care, right? Well, ironically, it works the other way too. Being seen as fully present when you’re at the office (even if you personally know you are always available to your family too!) will create a stronger connection for you there, as well.

Photo Credit: sean dreilinger via Compfight cc

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post How can I convince my male colleagues that I am successful? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Nixing the Knee-Jerk Questions that Signal Lack of Trust

Dear Shaunti:

I just got married to a great guy who has always loved my inquisitive, problem-solving nature.  Or at least he used to.  Lately, he has been getting more and more annoyed with it.  He shuts down so easily.  Or if I ask a simple question he acts as if it is the ultimate disloyalty.   For example, our landlord has been giving us grief and is unfairly threatening to throw us out, and today when my husband suggested an idea for dealing with it, I threw out a couple of alternatives.  He got so upset, he had to go drive around for half an hour to calm down.  All of this makes me incredibly nervous: am I not allowed to ask questions anymore?  Who is this man that I married?

-Disquieted Bride

Dear Disquieted,

I’m guessing this man is the same person you fell in love with – and that he’s the one wondering “Who is this woman that I married?”

Neither of you are right or wrong in this, but it is really important that at least one of you is willing to realize that something you’re doing is upsetting the other – and take steps to break the cycle. For now, let’s assume that is you.

It is one thing for your future husband to know that you have an inquisitive nature.  It’s a completely different matter to live with it every day.  From personal experience (ahem) I’m guessing that you’ve probably even heard your husband complain that how you say things comes across not as inquisitive but as the Inquisition.  And if you’re like I was, you probably don’t understand what on earth he means by that!

First, remember just how much your husband needs to feel that you trust and respect him, and how easy it is for him to feel that you don’t.  If he’s like most guys, feeling that you don’t is incredibly painful – and the most common response is anger and withdrawal. Sound familiar?

One way you or I or any woman can inadvertently signal “I don’t trust you” is by processing out loud when our man (or even our boss at work) comes to us and says “I think we should do such-and-such.” You see, we think of his comment as a starting-point suggestion, and throw out alternatives to move the discussion down the road. That is how we process things.  But in my research it was clear that most men absolutely do not process things in that way.  In fact, because they usually process stuff – especially very important stuff! — internally, by the time they say anything, it is not a “suggestion” but a plan into which they have put a lot of very detailed thought.

The dilemma, of course, is that when he presents his conclusion, that is the first we have heard it!  So we ask questions and raise all sorts of issues, because that is how we reach our best, most thorough decision. Yet for him, our spontaneous verbal feedback can easily come across as questioning his judgment and “picking something apart.”

More dangerously, because we sometimes casually throw around language like, “Well that’s silly, we should just do it this way,” we can, without meaning to, tell him that after three days of thinking something through, his conclusion was “silly.”

Either way, he feels disrespected and inadequate. It is painful. And that is why he gets upset and shifts into silent mode.

What’s the answer? Well, you certainly don’t need to try to be a guy and process everything internally. After all, God made you to be the verbal processor you are. But you also don’t want to hurt your husband or feel like you have to walk on eggshells either.

I’d strongly suggest that you do two things: both help your new husband understand how you need to process things, and be very aware of how he does.

At some other (non-emotional) time, explain that when you hear his conclusions for the first time, you need to discuss it in order to think about it.  Let him know that when you ask questions or throw out alternatives you are in no way picking his suggestion apart, but simply thinking it through out loud, in the way he has already thought it through internally.

But then, since there’s no way around the fact that what you say “out loud” can be quite painful, be very careful of how you say it.  It turns out the old “think before you speak” lesson your parents taught you in grade school will be a huge help here.

So, when your husband says, “Let’s do this,” instead of spitting out the first thing that comes to your mind, consider always saying something like, “Oh, that’s an interesting idea,” and talking through one or two positive points about his idea before asking questions. This will help signal, right up front, that you don’t think he’s an idiot.  Then you can say something like, “Honey, I’m not disagreeing with you, but I just need to talk this through and ask some questions in order to process it.  Is that okay with you?”

All this will go a long way toward restoring his faith that the inquisitive woman he loves is still there – just as loyal as always – and that this truly is not the Inquisition.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including  For Women Only ,  For Men Only ,  The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages  and her newest,  The Good News About Marriage .  A Harvard-trained social researcher and speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Shaunti speaks regularly at churches, conferences, and corporate events. Learn more about speaking inquiries  here.

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Wives, Be Your Husband’s Best Cheerleader – Especially When He Gets Hit!

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things that make a big difference in creating great marriages and relationships. Today’s post is  one of a series on the surprising truths that men and women tend not to know about each other –and which change everything once we do.

Tip #47: Wives, Be Your Husband’s Best Cheerleader – Especially When He Gets Hit!

Not long ago, speaking at a large church one weekend, I was very touched when I learned the code name the security team had given the wife of the senior pastor.  These men were all business as a security and protection detail, but they also had fun with it and in each code name they tried to capture something important about that person.

The name they assigned to the wife of the senior pastor?  “Cheerleader.”

Now, this pastor’s wife is a smart, sophisticated, well-known leader herself; a leader who had helped her husband grow the church to a vibrant mega-church presence. So was she offended by her code name?

No.  She embraced it as the best accolade she could have been given.  Because despite the thriving church and her own ministry and business opportunities, her most important priority was her husband and family. And she knew what her husband most needed.

To become the leader God had created him to be, her husband needed to know that his this person who knew him best believed in him absolutely, cheered him on when things were going well, and encouraged him unconditionally when he faltered, messed up, or got hit by circumstances.

To become the man he deeply desired to be, this man needed a cheerleader.  And ladies: so does your husband.

This does not imply some subordinate, vapid role.  It implies an immensely powerful and important one.  In sports, a team can probably win whether or not they have good folks on the sidelines, cheering them on.  In marriage, it is a very, very different story.

You know that you and your husband are partners and teammates in life.  You know you have skills and experience that he does not, and vice versa.  You know that your husband relies on you in many ways, and depends on you to keep the marriage and family on solid ground. But what you may not know is that without your encouragement, it is very difficult for him to feel able to do what he needs to do for the marriage and family.  In my research, it has been so clear that what a man most needs from his wife is that completely solid support who believes in him when he doesn’t believe in himself.

What does that look like?  In addition to actually cheering him on when things are good (“You did a great job at getting the kids to stop fighting”) be very sparing about giving advice or “constructive criticism” when things are stressful.

For example, if your man is struggling with something going wrong at work and you suggest potential changes, you think you are “helping” – but he likely won’t see it that way.  He’ll see it as “well that was stupid” second-guessing.  After all, there’s a reason that cheerleaders – who are often successful athletes in their own right – don’t stride out onto the field or the court and analyze a play that goes wrong!   Every man already feels like an imposter, and wrestles with self-doubt.  If the business is going fine, he can look at the financial returns and reassure himself. But where does he look when the business isn’t going fine?

It’s in those times of trial when he looks squarely to you for the affirmation that you still believe in him.  And it’s during those trials that he’ll be far more sensitive to your words and actions. When he is vulnerable and you say, “Maybe this isn’t such a good time to enter that particular market,” what he hears is, “You stupid idiot, you should know better!”

It may not seem “fair,” but in each situation you have to choose what is more important: ensuring that your husband knows you are unswervingly behind him, or exercising your right to voice your opinion. Now, just to be clear: as his wife you absolutely do have the right and even the responsibility at times to share something that needs to be said.

But just make sure it truly does need to be said.  If it does, then when you run out onto the field to give your input, do it in a way that recognizes he’s been beaten up and also needs to see that you believe in him. If it doesn’t, consider whether your best possible “help” might be passionately cheering him on instead.

When you do, you are ultimately giving your husband what every man needs most: you are showing, not just saying, that you believe in him. That you trust him. Your support and confidence will make him feel like he can do anything. As long as he has you as his number one cheerleader.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Mondays series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event?  Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

 

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Eye Update to Blinded by a Panera Straw – Doing Much Better!

Hi everyone!

Thought you’d want to know: Jeff drove me to the eye doctor on our way to the airport and the doctor practically cheered when she saw my eye! She says the actual injury is completely HEALED!  Wohoo!  The healing process for the whole eye is continuing, and it still hurts because of the strain, and I am still overly sensitive to light, but I am SO grateful that the original puncture/abrasion itself has cleanly healed. This cornea-specialist doctor was the one who wanted me to cancel my speaking engagement this weekend because she thought it would be too much of a risk, and there was no way it would be healed by now, she said I would have to come in every few days for the next few weeks, and when we left, she said ‘Well….I guess just see a general optometrist in about a week for a final check.’

I wanted to cheer, too! I am so thankful for your prayers and support this week, and for God’s great kindness to me. 

I am actually at the airport now, on the plane, getting ready to fly out, and will be resting my eye and keeping it closed as much as possible today to keep the healing going over this busy weekend ahead.  I would sure appreciate your continued prayers for the healing to finish well over the next week, and that I would get through tomorrow’s long two-hour talk and Q+A session under bright lights okay, without too much strain or getting sick to my stomach. 

Appreciate you all, and thought you’d want to know the good news!

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Update to Blinded by a Panera Straw

Hi friends! Wanted to give you an update on my eye adventure .  I can’t type long so I will make this short -but at least I can see to type, which is a relief!!

I woke up today feeling MUCH better, and able to open my injured eye. The cornea specialist I saw Wednesday said it was healing well.  I need to wear a lighter eye-patch cover, with sunglasses to keep brightness from hurting my eyes, and keep using the antibiotics, but I am able to cut WAY down on my painkillers. Wohoo!

That said, the doctor did make frowny faces at me when I said I was committed to doing my rural-area weekend speaking engagement this weekend. At the original doctor’s request, I already had cancelled my Thursday talks at a university 2 hours away that I couldn’t safely drive to. Which I was sad to do, but it was necessary.  And she thought I would be fine by this weekend, for the other one. But this doctor, today, was not as convinced.   She mentioned the strain of the airplane flight (dry air; changes in air pressure) and lack of a nearby doctor (what happens if I encounter a problem in the middle of nowhere where there is no opthalmologist?), but did concede that taking the journey wouldn’t hurt the eye itself.   And I cannot in good conscience cancel a speaking engagement that is depending on me, when I can physically get there!  It might have been impossible if I was having to rent a car and drive from the airport, but the event organizer had already arranged a car service to drive me around, so that won’t be a problem.

That said, I really appreciate everyone’s prayers these last few days- and would love you to keep praying that my eye keeps healing well and quickly, and that I am able to do my speaking engagement well, this weekend!  I will keep you updated!

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Blinded by a Panera Straw

As dictated to Shaunti’s staff director Linda Crews since Shaunti can’t read or write…

Blinded by a Panera Straw

I have to let you all know about the freakiest accident that happened on Sunday night.  I was at Panera Bread near my church, sipping on a drink while getting into my van to pick up my daughter from her youth group, and as I got into the car I somehow stumbled and managed to jab my plastic straw straight into my eyeball.

Excruciating pain. Like stick a needle in my eye kind of pain.  Who knew the eyeball had that many nerve endings?

Thank God I knew some folks sitting in Panera Bread that night as well, and I went stumbling back in to speak to my new heroes of the week, Dan Case, who is a pastor at my church, and his wife Sandy. They were magnificent.  First, they made me sit down to look at my eye, and when they did, I saw them flinch and look at each other. (Why is that when you see someone else flinch when they look at your injury it just compounds your pain?) They said carefully, “I think we should take you to the Emergency room.”

So they both drove me to the local emergency room.  Then Dan went to get Jeff to come pick up the van while Sandy sat with me for several hours in the ER while they did their tests. (As an aside: Boy, am I grateful I try to live a relatively transparent life.  When your pastor’s wife is sitting with you in the ER while they ask all those awkward intake questions like, “Any recreational drug use?” It is a relief to be able to answer “no.”)

So back to the painful tests… The bottom line is: I tore a strip off my cornea. (Note from Linda: Ewwww. Does it make your eyeball hurt just to hear that?) They say thankfully eye injuries heal more quickly than expected, and this should heal okay, but it will be really painful for a while. (I’m thinking ‘no duh’.)

Unfortunately, the injury is severe enough that I not only have to have a patch over the bad eye, but I cannot open the good eye at all.  Because if I do the bad eye tracks with the good eye, and hurts just as much as that original stick-a-needle-in-my-eye pain. I am basically unable to read or write.  (Another note from Linda: Shaunti is the only Harvard grad I know who is illiterate.)

All joking aside, I‘ve been spending the last couple of days trying to rest my eye in a darkened room; with pain killers, antibiotic eye drops, ophthalmologist visits, praying that there is no permanent damage and that I don’t have to cancel too many speaking engagements as a result of this.  Already had to cancel one since the doctor wouldn’t allow me to drive to Chattanooga today with an eye patch on.  Spoilsport. And thankfully, this morning, I’m regaining the use of my good eye.  I can open it without wanting to knock myself out to stop the pain.

So hopefully I’ll be okay for my event this weekend.  And I’m going to see a corneal specialist this morning, since the ophthalmologist couldn’t see how deep the injury went and wants a specialist to look at it.

I just wanted to let you guys all know what had happened so you could be praying for no permanent damage and that I can meet all of my commitments.  I’ll let you know what happens from here.

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Drama-Free Guarantee: Talking to Teenage Boys

Dear Shaunti,

My oldest son is having a tough first year of high school – leaving his old friends, trying to make new ones, and dealing with some unfair teachers. I’m thankful that at least he’s talking to us about these struggles (I was worried that he wouldn’t) but when he explains the latest issue, all we get is the dramatic injustice of it all. He won’t even listen to our suggestions of how to try to turn things around – but then he says we don’t listen to him!  I thought having boys meant I would be spared the “girl drama,” but it’s not turning out that way. What can I do to help him calm down and “man up”?

–Over the drama

Dear Over,

Has the stress of your son’s drama caused you to lose touch with your teenage self? (We all swore that would never happen to us…)  If you don’t remember, let me remind you of the number one gripe of a teenager: “My parents don’t listen.”   And nothing has changed in that way since we were kids.  I’ve studied thousands of today’s teens, and they said the same thing!

The good news, as you’ve already learned, is that our kids actually want to talk to us. Your son wants to share things with you just as much as you want hear them — and it sounds like he’s been holding up his end of the bargain! What he’s looking for from you, though, is a lot more empathy and a lot less instruction.

It turns out that, for our kids, listening means hearing and acknowledging what they are feeling about a problem, first and foremost, and long before you get to any solutions.  When they say (oh-so-dramatically!) “You don’t listen to me,” what they mean is “You aren’t hearing what I feel!”  They subconsciously assume that if you so quickly share a solution, you couldn’t have taken the time to understand their feelings yet.

If you’re familiar with some of my work, you’ll realize this is what my husband, Jeff, and I told men about their wives in For Men Only!  Most women need to have their feelings heard before being interested in working on a solution, so I wasn’t surprised when teenage girls had the same need – but I was very surprised that teenage boys did!  In fact, eight out of 10 kids we interviewed – both boys and girls – said that, before jumping in to fix a problem, they first needed their parents to hear, acknowledge and tend to the emotions behind the problem. And if that didn’t happen, angst grew – and emotion and drama accelerated.

We’re not sure exactly when boys grow into men who don’t care as much about having their feelings heard and who say (in nice deep voices), “Just tell me how to fix it.” But at least through age 17, they still need the same feelings-oriented response as girls.

Since your son is in his first year of high school, you still have time to track down your teenage self and get reacquainted. Remember how much you appreciated your friends who would just listen to you without trying to fix anything.  And next, ask your husband or male friends what sort of empathy is specifically helpful to a boy.  It will be different from what helps a girl!  When a teenage girl is upset it is usually because of feeling rejected, being bullied by mean girls who signal ‘no-one likes you,’ and people talking about her behind her back – all the things that trigger a girl’s inner “does anyone love me” insecurity.

But boys are different.  Boys (just like their dads) have a lot of secret insecurities about being inadequate, incapable, or failing at something they try to do in front of someone else.  So if your son is angry or upset about a teacher being unfair, it is likely tied to feeling stupid or inadequate – and everybody seeing it.   He needs you to let him talk about how stupid and embarrassed he felt, be indignant on his behalf, and reassure him that you are proud of him.

You may think you are fortunate to have a boy who wants to talk to you, but truly, in the research it was clear that most boys did want to share things.  If we will (privately) acknowledge that they have feelings that they want heard, and be a safe listening ear, we will see them sharing a lot more – and a lot more often.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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