Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 7

Closing Our Money “Worry Windows”

Imagine the human mind as a computer screen, with each thought, feeling, or worry as one open window. Now imagine you have a dozen windows open – many thoughts or concerns bouncing around in your mind.  

You probably want to close a few! But how?  

In our book, Thriving in Love and Money, Jeff and I share that there are often differences between men and women in how we close open windows – and how quickly. Turns out, if men are bothered by a concern that they don’t want to deal with, they can usually just “click the X,” so to speak, and close that worry-window. (No fair, right?) For most women, our worries keep popping up until we take action to address them. 

Take Avery and Liam, who are pregnant with their first child. Avery described walking the beach on a recent vacation they had scrimped to afford, when she saw an intense storm coming. Instantly, she started hustling back to their beach rental to close the storm windows so they wouldn’t be charged an extra clean-up fee. That simple concern triggered many other thoughts: 

I so dislike my job … but I must stay until the baby is born for insurance purposes. 

We need to buy a second car before the baby comes… but when did interest rates get so high?  

Did I hurt the baby when I got into that jacuzzi before I knew I was pregnant? Lord, I hope he’s okay. Maybe I should do an extra check-in with the doctor. 

Our drafty old house needs some repairs before winter hits and the baby arrives. 

I hope Liam is not still mad at me for splurging on two HVAC units… But he was out of town, and they were such a deal … and we really needed them. Why doesn’t Liam agree?  

Closing Emotional Windows with Money 

For Avery, taking action to allay her concerns and prepare a safe world for her child included spending dollars, some of which were not in “the budget” – or even discussed! It turns out that this mindset is the way many people click the X button. In fact, in our focus groups for Thriving in Love and Money, we found that even though women are just as likely to be savers as men, three out of four women are also far more willing to spend money if that’s what it takes to close an open worry-window. 

So, does that sound familiar? About you or your spouse? If so, read on. Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (or an HVAC installer) to see that this approach to closing worry windows is a little more costly than simply clicking “X.” That is not to say that this approach is wrong – just that it is something you and your spouse need to be on the same page about. So to work as a team, head off impulsivity, and ward off worry without fear, here are four tips that can help. 

Tip #1: Know thyself 

Our research showed that, when it comes to money, many unconscious motivations are at play. Everyone uses money as an antidote to their insecurities – whether that means saving to allay concerns about getting fired, or spending on the new outfit to feel good.  

Avery is a great example. As a child, she was often cold in her family’s drafty old house. Her parents, made of sturdy Nordic genes, waved off the children’s pleas for more warmth and made furnace repair a lower priority. Avery vowed that when she grew up, her home would be warm for her children – no matter what.  

So, when the couple’s two HVAC units started to wane, Avery didn’t hesitate to purchase new units when a deal came around. Sure, she had to shuffle some funds around and even put one unit on a credit card. But at least, she reasoned, the new baby would be warm! 

When it comes to financial expenses, it’s important to tease out any underground motivations that might be influencing how you view and use money. Often our “money issues” reveal hurts that need healing and areas of shaky trust that need the Holy Spirit’s tender touch. 

Tip #2: Listen to your spouse’s priorities 

Sometimes, seeking our type of security can make our partner feel less secure about theirs. It turns out that Avery’s husband Liam had a very different highest priority: to create financial security for his family.  

He wanted to stick with a budget to be stable and be able to occasionally surprise his wife with good things. So, when Avery made large purchases without discussion – and without regard for her husband’s values in this area – she not only thwarted his goals but communicated that she didn’t care about his priorities.  

Needless to say, ignoring one partner’s priorities is not a good long-term strategy for success! 

Tip #3 – Be specific about how you’ll work together 

One of the best tools for resolving financial conflict is to be specific – especially about what you are willing to change, and what you are hoping for. In other words, if conflict emerges, make a plan together about what specific spending habits you’re willing to change to get your budget and your priorities where you want them to go. 

In the case of the second HVAC sitting on a credit card, for example, Avery helped head off Liam’s worry about how they’d pay for it by saying she’d be happy to forego their entertainment patterns for a season (regular dinners out, movies, get-togethers with friends) in order to enjoy the peace of knowing their baby would enjoy a warm nest. 

This knowledge helped Liam nudge his worry window into a better place. 

Tip #4 – Don’t soothe your worries by making your spouse’s worse  

When we enter marriage, we are not only called to listen to our spouse’s priorities but to honor their vulnerabilities. Remember … they have worries and insecurities, too. And we have to learn what those are and look for ways to honor our spouse rather than making their worries worse.  

When Lone Ranger Avery put herself into her husband’s shoes, she realized that he was totally committed to providing for and protecting his family – and for him, this was best accomplished with disciplined financial management. Avery learned she needed to communicate her desires before impulsively acting on them. She learned that, even if she was closing a worry window of her own (no baby of mine is going to be cold in a drafty house!), it might sometimes come at the expense of throwing open a worry window for Liam (how will we pay for this and still stick to the budget we discussed?). And if so, that was a clue and a cue for them to talk things through together. 

By learning how to talk through both partner’s worries, Avery and Liam are now on their way to the best part of doing money management well: taking something that could have been a source of conflict, and turning it into a source of connection. 

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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10 Things I Would Do Over as a Stepmom

Readers frequently write in to request help and tips for stepfamilies, and so I am honored to bring you a guest blog this week from author and speaker Debbie Alsdorf. Author of Beyond the Brady Bunch, Debbie carefully and honestly leads us into this topic — and I hope the lessons she learned will benefit you (or help you see friends or family in a fresh light).

By Debbie Alsdorf

As little kids, I don’t suppose any of us dreamed about growing up one day to be a … stepparent. My own entrance into the world of stepparenting came after a painful and unwanted divorce.

After a season of grief and single-parenting, I met my new husband, and we were ridiculously in love. All I wanted was to love him and all that were his, including his two young daughters. With my two young sons, we resembled the Brady Bunch — a television show where two families merged and lived happily ever after.

I quickly learned that The Bradys were only on television. Reality proved that blending two lives, histories, and families was not easy. It was hard, heartbreaking, and filled with missteps. Now married thirty-four years, my husband and I have watched our blended family of six grow to twenty-one, complete with eleven grandchildren. We are not a perfect family and we still navigate problems after all these years.  

In the hope of helping others through uncharted stepfamily waters, I am sharing the top things I would have done differently. If you see yourself in any of these scenarios, I won’t sugarcoat it: Stepparenting can be hard. In the early days, sometimes the disappointment was so intense that I wanted to quit! But hard things can lead us into holy places if we let them. 

Here are my top ten mistakes—with ideas on how you might avoid them: 

1. Assuming we would be one big new, happy family 

The fact that family harmony wasn’t automatic dashed my dreams. Yet reality tells us that stepfamilies are built on a foundation of loss—either death or divorce. I’ll say that again, because it’s that important: stepfamilies are built on a foundation of loss. Even though my husband and I were elated over our second chance at love, our children carried unspoken grief that they didn’t fully understand. The tangle of childhood emotions and loyalties can keep stepchildren suspicious of the new stepparent and the new stepsiblings, creating a recipe for one big stressful situation rather than one big happy family. A reality check and compassion for the kids and what they were going through would have gone much further than sights that were set on adult ideas and dreams.

2. Pretending that I was the real mom 

I cried the day my husband proposed to me. They were tears of joy because I loved him and because I always wanted little girls. I had visions of bows, Barbies and giggly sleepovers. Being a boy mom, the thought of also being a girl mom sounded dreamy. Trouble was, I was not the girls’ mom. They had a mom who loved them and the best I could do was to learn to support her and be a bonus in their lives. When a stepmom sees herself as a bonus to a child’s life, there are limitless possibilities that do not threaten the maternal bond they already have with their mama. 

3. Living as if my children’s stepdad was enough 

Once we married, my new prince moved us into his house and soon, we bought our own family “castle.” The future looked bright, and I slipped into expecting my boys to treat my new husband like he was the “real” dad. Big mistake because, obviously, they had a dad. Once I came to my senses, I made an effort to have them remember their dad by acknowledging the things he did and the money he sent for their care. Divorce didn’t change that my sons needed their real dad. Always have and always will. 

4. Relinquishing discipline of my natural children too soon 

Let’s face it—what single mom doesn’t want some help? I said, “I do,” and then I turned discipline over to the stepdad. Again, big mistake! Children must develop a relationship with the stepparent before that adult can have a say in their lives. This takes time. Truth is, the biological parent would be wise to remain the disciplinarian for the first couple of years, while the stepparent is building history and relationship. Rules can be decided in private by both adults but enforced by the biological parent. I would have saved us all a lot of messes if I had known this. 

5. Living in my emotions 

Sometimes we hold on to hurt and act in ways that don’t honor God. As I mentioned above, stepfamilies are built on loss, and with loss comes varying forms of grief and emotion. The adults are dealing with their own heartache and triggers—while the children often act out based on hurts they can’t yet process or understand. The new stepparent represents loss. It’s key here for stepparents to not take it personally when you are misunderstood, accused of something you didn’t do, or not appreciated for all that you do. When we live in our emotions or stay in them too long, everyone suffers.

6. Not choosing my words about my child’s other parent or my stepchild’s parent with great care 

This is one of the most detrimental things we can do as a stepparent. When you speak negatively about their parent, you are, in effect, speaking negatively about the child, because half of your child is the other parent! As a stepparent we owe it to ourselves and the health of the new stepfamily to guard our tongues. No name calling, bad mouthing, or complaining in front of the kids. Look for the good and speak the good. Talking poorly about the other parent doesn’t hurt them as much as it hurts you in the end. The children will resent the things you said, and it will be hard to unwind. Trust me on this. 

7. Playing the game of hurt with either ex 

The ex didn’t do the thing they promised — again. You’re frustrated and it’s natural to want to strike back, but remember the children are the only ones hurt in these types of crossfires. The best thing any of us can do is to aim for positive co-parenting. And when that is not possible? Take the high road. Always take the high road — the God who sees in secret will reward the higher path you’ve taken. The blending of families takes time. Sometimes they don’t blend. In either case, God can be trusted with our hearts and lives. 

8. Being hurt, jealous, or petty over childish things 

I remember when one of my stepchildren didn’t want to touch me, plastering herself against a wall so that when I walked past her, we wouldn’t touch. It hurt me so much that I went in my room and cried. I was shocked that I took a nine-year-old’s actions so personally. There comes a point where we must choose to look beyond and let go of the things hurting children do. We need to be the adults. 

9. Being mad at my husband because he got upset with my kids 

The biological bond is strong. The things we can overlook because of that bond are not often overlooked by someone coming in without the biological filter. I didn’t know how to separate myself from my husband’s feelings about my children’s behavior, and I internalized those feelings as if they were about me. This caused many fights and endless problems. This was a hard hurdle to get over. 

10. Not acknowledging that God has placed me in the life of my stepchild 

I started off marrying my new prince and thinking it was all about our happily ever after. But it’s not about us. It’s about a bigger picture. God has placed us in the lives of our stepchildren. They might act like they hate us — they don’t; they are just confused and hurt. We can make a difference by accepting and loving them. Embrace God’s bigger picture. I had to learn to move beyond myself.  

In the above stepparenting pitfalls, these four things helped pave the way to moving forward:

Acceptance — I learned to accept that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful. Surrender — I had to prioritize yielding my heart and hurts to God daily. Humility — I learned to admit when I am wrong, ask forgiveness, and forgive others. Higher-road living—Remember there is a bigger picture and God sees every piece in our family puzzle. 

I hope they help you pave a positive way, too.

Debbie Alsdorf is a cheerleader of hope and the author of books including The Faith Dare, Deeper, It’s Momplicated, and Beyond the Brady Bunch. She speaks at women’s events throughout the year, is a literary agent with Books & Such Literary Management, and finds great joy in being Grammy to eleven. Follow Debbie on Instagram @DebbieAlsdorf or on FB @DebbieAlsdorf/author.

 

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Lessons on Perspective in the Dominican Republic

Last month, my staff director Eileen Kirkland and I went on a five-day ministry trip to the Dominican Republic, visiting a series of areas where Compassion International works. I regularly speak and share about Compassion, but had not previously had a chance to see their on-the-ground work in person. Plus, I have two sponsored children with Compassion (and Eileen actually sponsors a boy she met on the trip!) so I was eager to get a sense for the kids’ day-to-day experience as part of the program.

I was blown away.

After this trip, I’m even more passionate about encouraging people to sponsor a Compassion child than I was before. If that’s something you’ve been considering, I’d urge you not to wait. Find a child waiting for a sponsor. (Here’s a picture of some adorable kids from a Compassion preschool class we visited, dressed in their best (which sometimes they borrowed) clothes to greet us. There were 35 kids in that class, four of whom don’t yet have a sponsor. The little kids standing with me and Eileen—who CLEARLY aren’t sure what these white ladies are doing!—are three of the four.)

I also learned a lot on this trip about perspective—especially how crucial it is to wrestle with our hearts and our attitudes.

So here are four lessons from my trip overseas, but that apply to every aspect of our lives here at home. (With a few fun pictures along the way.)

Lesson #1. We need to purposefully shift our perspective

In the research for my devotional book Find Rest, we identified “shifting our perspective” as one of eight elements that can lead to a life of rest instead of stress. Especially important is building a habit of gratitude and noticing blessings rather than frustrations.

Nothing will shift your perspective more quickly than seeing great need and recognizing the many things you have to be grateful for. For example, when in the DR, we walked from the Compassion center to the very poor neighborhood near the river (see the arrow in the picture below). We visited with a mom who lives with her two daughters in an 8-foot-by-9-foot home without electricity or running water, in 105-degree heat. They live mere feet from a river that regularly floods—leaving her family homeless until the water subsides. Yet she borrowed pretty dresses for herself and her girls, to greet us with dignity and tell us, “God is all I have.”

The corrugated metal structure behind the mom (in red) is her home. One bed and two plastic chairs take up almost the entire space. But thanks to Compassion’s “Survival Moms” program, she now had prenatal and post-natal care for her adorable baby, medical care for herself and her 11-year-old daughter (who is hidden behind my hat!), food, and vocational training to provide a way for the whole family to escape poverty. All in the name of Jesus. It’s really amazing. (Can you see why I’m so passionate about Compassion?)

I walked away asking God to help me be actively grateful, from now on, for electricity, running water …  and air conditioning. That’s a key perspective shift.

The view from the Compassion center roof of the neighborhood we would visit, far downhill by the river. (Left)

Walking through that neighborhood (in 105-degree heat!) (Center)

A mom and her two daughters, who are part of Compassion’s Survival Moms program. (Right)

Lesson #2: ALL of us can serve

In the DR, poverty was all around us. And the church members helping were often living in poverty. It was humbling and emotional to watch people who had very little for themselves pour out their hearts for others. All of us have something to share.

The churches and Compassion centers seek to lift up the kids to serve others, too. In one worship service, we learned that this eight-year-old boy was going to preach. We probably smiled a little indulgently when he stood up—and then we were all absolutely blown away when he delivered a short but powerful and engaging message from Habakkuk. (Habakkuk!) I was thinking to myself, “Whoever is sponsoring this child is sponsoring (and educating, and feeding and encouraging) the next Billy Graham.”

Walking with the local Compassion and church staff through their neighborhood. (The Compassion “hosts”/translators are carrying heavy bags of food for families we would visit.) (Left)

An eight-year-old boy delivers a powerful message in church. (Right)

Lesson #3: We must notice and honor what the church is doing well

One of Compassion’s primary ministry policies is that Compassion works through the local church. Each Compassion center partners with a church that God is already using in that community. So all week in the DR, I was watching what the church was doing well.

We can do that, too.

In Matthew 5:14, Jesus told those who follow Him, “You are the light of the world.” And yet, how many times do we engage in inadvertent (or overt) church-bashing instead of honoring what Christ has built? We may have legitimate concerns—and God has given us biblical mechanisms to confront those. But we should be very careful about publicly tearing down what Christ sought to build up.

When Eileen and I visited the home of her sponsored child, the director of the Compassion center at the local church came with us. (The man in the gray checked shirt in the photo below.) On the long walk to and from the child’s home in this impoverished area, the Compassion director couldn’t go thirty feet without interacting with local residents. Everyone knew and recognized him. They knew he loved them, and they loved him.

The church is GOD’S plan, not ours. It is so important to see that the vast majority of churches, pastors, and Christians are trying to follow His plan as best they can. We must always be willing to look for and honor the GOOD things our local churches and their leaders are doing.

Eileen, the translator (next to her) and the Compassion center director, praying for the family of Eileen’s sponsored child (the boy in blue).

Lesson #4: God is always at work

Finally, we must not just stop to notice what the CHURCH is doing, but what GOD is doing. Over and over on the trip, we saw the truth of Jesus’ words from John 5:17: “God is always working, and so am I.” Here’s one example:

At one Compassion center, one of the pastors of the church was leaving the next morning for another Caribbean island to speak about marriage at a women’s conference. At the end of our day there, we were giving the staff the gifts we had brought for them from the U.S. (For example, I brought several deflated soccer balls and pumps, to give the kids some additional options for outdoor play.) 

One couple in our group—a lead singer for a well-known Christian band, and his wife— pulled their final gifts out of the extra duffel bag that they had brought along, then looked at the now-empty bag.

“Hmm,” the singer said to the pastor, “Could anyone use this duffel bag?”

The pastor looked thunderstruck. Almost to the point of tears. Through the translator, she told him that she had prepared her message and had set everything in order to leave early the next morning. But the one thing she didn’t yet have (and couldn’t really afford) was a bag to pack her clothes into for the trip.

All of us wanted to cry, right along with her. What a small signal of a big God working—always working—behind the scenes in our lives.

A final note: If you feel God calling you to be a part of what He is doing through Compassion, I’d urge you to take the leap. I’ve seen firsthand how He multiplies the resources needed to sponsor a child. For $43 a month, you can lift a child out of poverty by providing them with food, clean water, education, medical care (for their whole family), encouragement (you can write and get to know them if you want!) and learning about Jesus. Sponsor a child with Compassion.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Back-To-School Prep ­­– Add Kindness To The List

I’m honored to bring you a guest blog this week from children’s author (and my former senior editor) Katie Kenny Phillips. Katie is “a writer for kids (and their grown-ups!)” and I invited her this week to write a guest blog that my readers have asked for – principles from The Kindness Challenge adapted for kids. Enjoy! (And after reading today’s blog, I know you’ll want to check out Katie’s books here !)

By Katie Kenny Phillips

Summer is about to end for many of us. In the South, our kids head back to school at the beginning of August. For some of you, you’re smack dab in the middle of your glorious summer and your kids might start back to school much later. Wherever you find yourselves, one thing is certain: heading back to the classroom means back-to-school prep. 

A few years ago, our elementary school (bless them!) began giving us the option to order back-to-school supply kits that included everything they needed for each grade. For this non-shopping-loving mama, I couldn’t hit “purchase now” fast enough. No more wandering the aisles at the end of the summer with each of my five kids, searching for the correct three-prong orange folder (WITH POCKETS, MOM!) No more “Where are the purple pens? No, not THAT kind of purple!” No more tears of frustration … I mean, my kids really hated when I did that in our local Target. 

But what about preparing them for other things they’ll need at school? Like the skills to deal with their relationships when they become more complex and prickly? Like …

When a best friend doesn’t always act like a best friend every dayWhen a teacher is sometimes grumpy with them but they seem nice to the other studentsOr when a teammate is not always the easiest to get along with
Kindness Begins at Home

Navigating relationships can be tricky. But these are skills we need to cultivate and practice at home before heading back into the classroom. 

One of the best ways we can set our kids up for success is by helping them learn the simple art of being kind. If we focus on being proactively kind – especially in our relationships with our more challenging people (ugh, you know who I’m talking about!), kindness affects our own responses and feelings which can make life a whole lot better for ourselves and others. 

So how do we help our kids practice kindness so they’re prepared for the upcoming school year? My recommendation is to turn The Kindness Challenge by Shaunti Feldhahn into a game. As a family, you can practice flexing your kindness muscle at home before school starts. If your house is anything like mine, there are groups of siblings who take turns being irritated by each other. Someone’s always annoyed so therefore there’s always a kid who can play the game. Help your child pick someone they struggle with and explain the rules of the kindness game. 

Here’s how to start:

Rule 1: Do not say anything unkind to or about the person 

Explain to your child that they will say nothing negative about their person (either to their face or behind their back.) You might need to establish a code with your child in case they slip up. Remember Carol Burnett tugging on her ear at the end of her show as a secret message to her family? Go ahead and tug your ear, pat your head, or do a leprechaun kick if you hear your child falling into the old habit of saying something unkind. They can stop themselves mid-sentence, and say, “Whoops, that wasn’t kind. Sorry!”

Let your child know that the more they practice refraining from saying unkind words, the better they will feel. Keep track on a calendar or notebook to mark the progress. It’s amazing how seeing the momentum build – and starting to notice how their person responds – can encourage your child to keep the kindness train moving.

Rule 2: Find one positive thing you can say to them or about them every day

Every day help your child brainstorm something positive they can say about their person. This can be tricky when their brother is always annoying or their little sister always pesters them.

This may take some guiding questions on your part, as in: “What’s something cool that your brother does well? You like when he bakes cookies and cakes.” This can lead to them telling their brother that the cookies he made last night for dessert were extra delicious. And maybe even asking if he would be willing to teach them how to make them sometime?

Or you could prompt your child to think about their little sister and how she’s always so cheerful in the morning. Your child could say, “I really love how happy and sunshiny you are at breakfast. It makes me so happy to see your smile!” Ask your child if they notice anything different in their person when they say positive things to them.

Rule 3: Do an act of kindness for them every day

Help your child come up with something nice to do for their person every day. I remember when two of my boys were struggling in their relationship, I worked with them to stop and think how they could make each other’s day. Some days it looked like us sneaking into their room and secretly making their bed. Other times we would be at the grocery store and I’d ask one of them for their brother’s favorite snack. “Let’s make their day!” I’d say. You’d be surprised how fun it can be when you’re actively searching for ways to be kind to someone else – even someone who is often difficult to get along with.

The Kindness Challenge encourages participants to do these three steps over the course of thirty days to see what happens with the relationship. So often, people are shocked by how much their prickly relationships improve (I can vouch for it – I’ve done it myself!) Their interactions with their person become more positive and how they feel about their person improves. Kindness changes us … and a lot of times, it changes others. 

So let’s be intentional as we prepare our kids for their upcoming school year. Of course that means the folders and pens and the impossible-to-find notebooks. But it also means practicing the skills they need to show kindness to others who may be a little difficult. When our kids practice at home, not only will the family dynamic improve, but they’ll be gaining valuable experience in being a true light as they get ready to head off to school in the fall.

Their kindness will make a real difference – and I think we’d all agree, we need a little more of that in our homes and in the world.

Oh, and of course, in the school supply aisle at Target. 

Katie Kenny Phillips is a children’s author and screenwriter and has spent the last decade as a freelance writer and editor, most notably with bestselling author/speaker Shaunti Feldhahn. She works with Director and Producer Shari Rigby and her ministry, The Women In My World, and focuses on serving women of faith in entertainment and media. 

Katie lives in Atlanta and is a mom of five (three biological and two by way of foster care and adoption). Her most recent children’s book, Today I Feel Like a Jelly Donut: A Book About Emotions is available on Amazon. 

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 3)

This is Part 3 of a three-part series on what to do when life or relationships aren’t what you wanted them to be. In part 1 and part 2 we outlined three important steps that can help us move from frustration and anguish to acceptance and appreciation. This week, we’ll apply those steps specifically to relationships.

We’ve spent the last two weeks exploring three critical (but oh so hard) steps that can help change our focus from ongoing frustration, discontent, or disappointment when life isn’t going the way we hoped or planned. In a nutshell, they are:

GriefAcceptanceAppreciation

Before you go further, read Part 1 and Part 2 so you understand how these three steps work when life or relationship disappointments loom large (and, just as important, when they don’t apply, such as in an abusive relationship).

Today, we’ll tread carefully into the how these can be applied in our everyday relationships.

Remember the woman in Part 1, who I overheard at Target? It was clear that there was real angst that the man in her life wouldn’t (or couldn’t) rein in his “Tigger-like” personality around her reserved, disapproving father. 

So what do we do when someone close to us has a trait – which can be anything from an always-on Tigger personality to an unwillingness to stop a habit that’s harmful to their health – that hasn’t changed, despite our best efforts? What happens if that trait starts to loom large in our minds? As pretty much every breathing human has discovered, this can create a real issue for the relationship if it becomes an ongoing source of discontent.

Of course, as I’ve emphasized in the earlier parts of this series, some problems and solutions will go beyond the scope of what we can discuss in three blogs. Relationships can enter a challenging zone, with real and legitimate pain caused – likely on both sides. If this describes you, I’m really sorry. I know it’s hard.

In a generally applicable sense, and with a heart only to help you find a possible and productive way forward, this week’s blog looks at four shifts that might help when our relationships aren’t what we want them to be.

Shift #1: Realize you cannot change the other person – and if it is a spouse, that you chose this person!

We know this, but we constantly forget it: we cannot change the other person, we can only change ourselves. That sounds cliché but it is TRUE.

We also have to own that this is the person we chose! After all, many things that drive us nuts about someone are the very things that drew us to them – and that we still love about them in a different context. The woman at Target chose a man who was a Tigger personality, and chose to start a family with him. Presumably, she loved that he had a great sense of humor!

Shift #2: Realize change is up to YOU

This is the other half of the statement above.  If we want to enjoy our relationships we have to focus on what WE can change.

Perhaps our phone-talking Target friend could step back and grapple with the hard truth that her husband and father have their own relationship and it’s their job to work that out. She can help her husband understand how much his relationship with her father matters to her. But if he isn’t willing to or capable of changing the Tigger personality that annoys her father, the only thing she can do is adjust her response.

And there might be upsides of that. Since her husband apparently has long known that she wanted him to change his personality around her dad, he’s probably also been walking on eggshells for a long time.  Or feeling like a failure when he gets it wrong. What if she decides to stop giving him the disapproving glare after every family visit and says, instead, “I’ve told you how I feel, but I do so love your sense of humor. You are so fun to be around. Yes, I still want you to dial it back a bit, but it’s also up to my dad to lighten up. It shouldn’t all be on you.”

Perhaps she can also stop venting about his ways to her friends, since venting usually makes annoyance worse.

By focusing on herself, she’d be demonstrating self-control, honoring both her husband and her dad as the grown men they are, and probably turning her own frustration dial down a few numbers.

Shift #3: Realize, you have annoying traits (and bad habits) too – and extend grace.

I recently heard Laurie Davies, my senior editor and an amazing women’s speaker, ask an audience how well they forgive other people, zero being not well (they hold grudges) and 10 being they forgive very easily. Some eager beavers could be heard excitedly calling out “6” or “7.”

Then she asked the audience what number they would like to be forgiven at.

An audible groan rippled through the crowd.

You can see where this is going. Our spouse, kids, parents or friends aren’t the only ones with annoying and possibly even detrimental habits. We have bad patterns, too.

Jesus tells us to do to others as we would have them do to us (Matthew 7:12). So, in times of contention, what do we most want from our spouse? (Or adult child, or best friend?) I can almost guarantee it is grace. Forgiveness level 10. Getting the benefit of the doubt. (I’m not talking about life-endangering, illegal, or abusive patterns here. Those don’t require grace. They require professional help.)

If there is angst and frustration, and you don’t want that angst and frustration, perhaps it is time to try a different strategy and be willing to have grace with those day-to-day things.

Shift #4: Honor what is, rather than fixating on what isn’t   

Years ago, I worked with a high-level colleague who had the ability to hit the “drive me nuts” button quicker than almost anyone else. When discussing something about a particular project that, in my judgment, definitely needed to change, this person would condescendingly say things like, “Why don’t you let the professionals do their job?”

Picture steam coming out of my ears.

I tried respectfully addressing the issue multiple times, to no avail. This person had a view of what their role was, and what my role was, and nothing was going to change it.

In the end, though, a curious thing happened. I worked with this person for almost five years, and when they left their job for other things, I was so bummed.

What changed between year one and year five?

I did.

I realized that this person was actually a huge champion for me and my research in some areas that really mattered. Despite how it sounded at times (!) this person respected me and fought for things that would help me do what I felt called to do. I started being so grateful for what this person brought to the table, that I stopped being triggered by the other things as much.

We ended up having a great working relationship. Once I accepted that this person probably would not change (which they didn’t!) I was able to appreciate what was. I would have completely missed years of great opportunity if I had been fixated on what wasn’t.

This step is what allows us to move forward with a good attitude and even enjoyment, in the face of something that not too long ago would have driven us crazy.

Final thoughts

Whew. Okay. How is everyone?

This series has taken us into grief and acceptance – two of the tallest orders there are. We’ve explored the importance of looking for what we do have rather than what we don’t. I’m sure you’ve thought of your own personal examples along the way.

If you’re grappling with this content in real time with a very real relationship or life disappointment, I have to just say it: I’m proud of you. This is a really hard series. I know your situation has nuance – and probably pain – that I could never understand. So, thanks for hearing the heart behind this, and pondering what it might mean for you. And, again, if you need someone to help you on the journey, please reach out to your pastor or a Christian counselor.

My hope is that you’ve found permission to grieve, seen opportunities for acceptance, and captured a vision for how you can appreciate and find joy in what you do have. Because even in the heartache and losses in this life, we all have so much.

And we’ve got one chance to steward it.

Let’s do it well.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 2)

This is the second part of a three-part series on what to do when life or relationships aren’t what you wanted them to be. In last week’s part 1 we started with a challenging but important first step. Today, we explore two more.

I’ve always wished I could draw, paint and do graphic design. I write books and I used to perform in musical theatre so I am not completely bereft of right-brain endeavors! But the drawing and design gene absolutely is not in my DNA. My best efforts are a step below stick figures.

This may sound minor – but it is actually really frustrating for someone whose ministry involves constant work on creative materials.

What about you? Do you find yourself “always wishing” that you were better at something? Or maybe the stakes are higher than a hobby: Maybe health limitations, relationship disappointments or any number of heartaches keep taking life in a direction that isn’t what you hoped.

There’s a grief in that, isn’t there? As we covered last week (please go back to read Part 1 if you missed it), we have to grieve what isn’t and accept what is before we can move forward to enjoy what we have. So, when life isn’t what we wanted, that’s our first action step. Grieving what will never be.

Sometimes this principle doesn’t neatly (or even remotely) apply. For example, if there’s emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, toxicity, or other serious and damaging issues, different rules are in effect: we need boundaries, safety, intervention, and counseling instead.

But for many heartaches and letdowns, there can be abundant life on the other side – and we can be intentional about pursuing it. Last week we covered grief, which, of course, is not a snap-your-fingers-and-everything-is-better process. But grieving can actually be freeing. That’s our aim with the next two steps.

Action #2: Accept what isn’t how we want it to be

If you have ever grieved the loss of someone you love, you know that one of the hardest elements of true grief is an acceptance of finality.

When my team lost our amazing friend and colleague Naomi to a sudden pulmonary embolism, the utter brutality of the grief was knowing that (on this earth at least), we would never see her again. We are so thankful for the reality of heaven. But it was true grief: it’s not like we were holding open the hope that maybe something might change. We had to accept that she was gone.

I need to say here that I’m not a “grief expert.” But in general, it appears that acceptance of things as they are is the core of healthy grief.

There is a model in the counseling world called the Kübler-Ross “Stages of Grief.” Not everyone moves through all five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), or in the same way, pace, or order. But the last stage of Kübler-Ross’s model – acceptance – is one that many in the counseling world agree is often the final stage. Once we accept the reality of what we’ve lost, we can move past our grief and turn our attention to more positive things.

A Personal Example

About six months ago, I ran into an old friend. This person looked amazing, having lost fifty pounds since the last time we had been together. Turns out, the friend had been diagnosed with diabetes, and a doctor had delivered the brutal news that unless the friend’s weight got under control, vision and neuropathy problems were just around the corner. So under a doctor’s care, an extremely tight eating plan commenced.

Because my ongoing cancer treatments have led to significant weight gain, and I was about to start the same process to get back to a healthy weight, I asked, “How did you do it?” My friend looked at me and said, “I had to grieve that I could never have processed sugar again.”

I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. If the context wasn’t my own cancer drug regimen, I might have seen humor in that statement, given that the yummy bread-based carbs I love were part of the problem. (Any fellow donut lovers out there? You’re my people!)

But the context is a cancer drug. And the drug I take every day to prevent cancer from returning not only causes weight gain but also makes weight loss extraordinarily difficult. I hadn’t realized it until my friend said it, but there is grief in permanently setting aside the foods I love.

I know I need to cut them out, permanently, to get healthy and to avoid the inflammatory response that could invite cancer to return. But it is only grieving that, and then accepting it, that opens up space for me to focus my attention on something more positive.

And that leads me to the third action step we can take when life is going a different direction than we hoped.

Action #3: Enjoy what IS

Often, when we move through grief and acceptance, we’re more able to enjoy what we have. I’ve been on my strict eating plan for months now, and I’m still working on grieving and accepting. (The other night at a Mexican restaurant with friends, I was definitely grieving chips and queso!)

But I’ve noticed there are a lot of delightful foods that I do enjoy. I appreciate other flavors now that I have to restrict sugars. When I’m eating a really good chicken salad or a perfectly seasoned roasted cauliflower, I actively appreciate what I can eat. I don’t think I would feel the same way if I was still stuck on sugar deprivation anger! Or offering a clipped “No, thanks for asking, but I cannot have dessert tonight!” to a family member.

Focusing on what is, not what isn’t

Perhaps no group has more cause to understand the power of acceptance, and focusing on what is working, than those who live with chronic pain. I’ve had several friends who have almost constant physical pain. And yet, they are joyful people! HOW?

For years, researchers have been increasingly studying the importance of acceptance, including through a type of therapy called “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy” (ACT). As one example, one group of researchers found that those with chronic pain who went through this acceptance therapy not only had less depression and more social satisfaction, but that they were far more likely to engage in activities despite their ongoing pain. As hard as the pain was, the actions of acceptance had freed them up to enjoy more of life. They focus on what is. Not what isn’t.

That opens up so many possibilities, doesn’t it?

And one final note: A growing body of research is exploring the link between faith and pain. Unsurprisingly, faith may propel us through chronic pain in a positive way. For example, when worship service attendance and spiritual values come into play, one large Canadian study found that chronic pain sufferers experience lower levels of pain and fatigue.

As people of faith, we know that joy comes in the morning. We lean toward belief that the best is yet to come, even if life here can sometimes be really hard.

So now we know the three steps: grief, acceptance, and looking at what we do have. How do we apply those in our everyday life? In our third and final part of this series, we’ll look at one of the most important contexts for applying these steps: our relationships.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 1)

This is the first part of a three-part series. In this part 1 we’ll tackle one major step to take when something in our life hasn’t turned out the way we wanted it to. In Part 2 we will explore two more steps that build on this one. And in Part 3, we’ll see how it all applies to life and relationships.

I couldn’t help but overhear.  As I was searching the Target aisle for a headache medicine, a woman in the next aisle sounded like she could use it.

“He just had to say it, Shelly, he couldn’t stop himself!” The woman on the other side of the first aid shelf was on a phone call, vocally expressing her displeasure. “He knows my dad doesn’t have a humorous bone in his body, but he said it anyway. And now I have to deal with the fallout. Again.”

She paused to listen.

“No, he doesn’t mean to be insensitive, it’s just the Tigger thing. It’s his personality. Everything is a joke to him. I’ve told him over and over that he can’t be that way around my parents. I keep thinking he’ll calm down now that we have Jacob, but he’s not.”

Her voice faded away as she headed down the aisle. And I was left pondering what we do when something about our lives is not the way we want it. Let’s take a look.

When something is not as we hoped, what can we do?

Maybe something in a relationship drives us crazy. It could be that you’re married to Tigger, and your dad doesn’t get along with him because he is more like Eeyore. (Or you are more like Eeyore!)

Or perhaps a spouse is completely ADD about household tasks – they don’t mean to forget the trash pickup, but they often do. Or an adult daughter is alwaysfifteen minutes late ­­– twenty to things that matter. Or your business partner gets defensive when a suggestion is made. Every. Single. Time.

Regardless of the relationship, most of us probably have a situation that we hoped would change by now.

Or, zooming out to a bigger picture, maybe something about our lives overall isn’t what we’d hoped for. Maybe there’s a chronic health problem that may never change, a constant struggle with finances, or the fact that we have to move every few years because of our spouse’s job.

How do we handle these situations with grace, steadiness, and joy, instead of frustration, chaos, and anguish? How do we live a life marked by true contentment instead of constant dissatisfaction?

These are obviously very big questions ­­– and the answers go far beyond what we can do in this three-part series. But we can rely on science and scripture to at least make a start.

So this week, let’s start by looking at one big-picture action. It’s the hinge everything else turns on. And I’ll be honest, we’re going to need a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down. Next week, in Part 2, we’ll add two more actions that can help us maneuver the life’s challenges with greater joy. And in Part 3, we’ll apply all of this to our relationships.

Ready? Got that spoonful of sugar?

Action #1: Grieve what isn’t how we want it to be

It might sound odd, but this step is the cornerstone of everything else we are going to talk about in this series. We have to literally grieve what isn’t in order to accept what is.

This came to light in a profound way when Jeff and I sat down with Dr. Michael Sytsma, my co-author of Secrets of Sex & Marriage, to begin exploring what would eventually make up our book: the simple steps that help couples have a thriving intimate life. In previous books, Jeff and I have been careful to stay in our lane and avoid topics best handled by a trained clinician. But this time we were working with one!

So, right away Jeff chimed in with this question: “Is there any common denominator that will help struggling couples build a great relationship no matter what their issue is?”

The answer shocked us.

It’s grief.

Dr. Sytsma, a renowned and highly credentialed therapist, answered Jeff’s question this way: “Actually, every experienced counselor already knows what that common denominator is. In the end, all counseling work is grief work …You have to grieve what isn’t and accept what is before you can move forward to enjoy what you have.”

That’s worth repeating:

We have to grieve what isn’t and accept what is before we can move forward to enjoy what we have.

Here’s what that means in practice: You know that expectation we have that something will change? That has to die. We have to come to terms with the fact that it will never be the way we wanted it to be.

Wow.

That truth is so hard – and yet if we want a healthy, vibrant life of contentment and joy, that is the gate we have to go through to get there.

Now just to be clear (and we unpack this in detail in Chapter 9 of Secrets of Sex & Marriage), there are truly toxic situations where this grief/acceptance pattern does not apply – because the situation is not something we should ever “accept.” You should never accept that your spouse is abusive to you and your children, or that your colleague is embezzling money – you get safe, call in help and accountability, and, if needed, bring in authorities. You should not just “accept” that your doctor doesn’t listen to you, or that your boss is a cruel manager – you should find a new doctor or a new job!

But so many things that cause us distress are not in truly toxic categories. Either they are not toxic “deal breakers” (your spouse’s irritating ADD) or they are things we literally cannot change (a medical condition that won’t go away). Maybe we have chronic pain, frustrating relationship issues, or financial realities that mean living in a crowded apartment rather than a big house. We have to truly let go of the longing for that particular something to be different. Because it is only when we honestly and sincerely grieve (for example, that we will probably always have these crowded living quarters) that we can stop wishing for the big house. And it is only once we stop wishing for the big house that we can enjoy the beautiful chaos and benefits that come from a large family in a small space.

What benefits, you ask? Consider the regrets one wealthy mom told me about in an interview a few years ago: “We were so excited when Brian sold his company and we were able to buy a big house. But I wish someone had told us of the downsides. In our small townhouse, with three girls sharing one bedroom, we were always on top of each other and the living room was the only place to hang out. We got irritated over whose turn it was to watch TV, or whatever, but we always knew what was going on with each other. Now, the girls go into their separate bedrooms and shut the doors. I sometimes wish we had the tight quarters back.”

We’ll get to how “grief and acceptance” becomes “hope and joy” over the next two weeks. In the meantime, I’ll give you some space to ponder this initial concept. For some of you, opening the door to grief may in a strange way be a welcome and overdue step. And you may need help to take that step. Perhaps your church offers lay counseling or a class like GriefShare. Or maybe it’s time to do what you’ve been wanting to do for some time now … connect with a pastor or professional counselor. However you move forward, I’m cheering for you.

And I’ll be back next week with two more essential action steps.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: When Life (and Relationships) Aren’t What You Hoped (Part 1)This is the first part of a three-part series. In this part 1 we’ll tackle one major step to take… 6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our… 6 Steps to Change Your Marriage For the Better (Part 1)I’m excited to bring you part 1 of a two-part marriage series, in tandem with the launch of the next… How to Find True Rest – Even in Our Busy LivesTrue rest. Our bodies long for it. Our souls need it. And yet whether we’re senior executives or stay-at-home moms,… How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 2This is Part 2 of a two-part series for parents who are tempted to do too much for our kids… How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 1his is Part 1 of a two-part series for those of us parents who just love to help our kids…

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6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)

This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our Family Life podcast, Married With Benefits! Brian Goins and I have based this season on my Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages findings. In part 1 , we looked at three steps to begin change in your marriage. In this part 2, we’ll tackle three steps to build the habit that all happy marriages have.

In The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we discovered twelve little habits that make a big difference in marriage. (Well, actually thirteen, and we’ll include the “mystery” secret in Season 4 of the Married with Benefits podcast. Be sure to follow it so you get notified when new episodes drop!)

Although not all of the happiest couples had the same habits, we found there is ONE habit that couples simply cannot have a happy marriage without.

This is essentially the key that turns the lock to all the other secrets:

The happiest married couples choose to believe the best about their spouses’ intentions toward them, even if they are legitimately hurt.

This finding, more than any other, has the potential to flip the script when couples get sideways with each other in the day-to-day push and pull of married life.

I can almost hear some of you asking, “How exactly do we do this – especially when I really have been hurt?!” We’ll get into three specific steps, below. But there is one foundational truth you need to grapple with first.

The foundational truth

When you choose to believe the best of your spouse’s motivations toward you, it’s not just wishful thinking. Fully 99.26% of spouses truly care about their mate and want the best for them, even during painful times.

And even in the most struggling marriages, that rate was 97%!!

This means that almost universally, statistically speaking, your spouse deeply cares about you.

If you’re in a struggling marriage, read that again. (And if you haven’t already, go back and read last week’s Part 1 blog for ideas on how to start nudging your marriage in the right direction.)

Since statistically, your spouse almost certainly does care about you, the secret sauce comes in deciding to believe that!*

We dive into this truth in detail on episode 2 of the Married with Benefits podcast. My husband Jeff joined us in the studio, and the conversation is a game-changer for couples who want to master the art of believing the best even when it gets . . . tricky.

Now, as always, in cases of abuse, or in the rare cases where you mate has checked out (see footnote below), steps that will be productive and necessary for you will be different than those outlined in this blog. But otherwise, here are three steps that the marriage Olympians take ­– and that we can copy. Steps to help our actions align with the statistical truth that our spouse cares about us – even when things are hard.

Step #1: When you feel hurt, acknowledge that – and then find a more generous explanation for your spouse’s behavior

You have been hurt. You’re angry and upset. But you have a choice how to handle it – and the most important choice is how you’re going to view your spouse’s motivations toward you. Seeking a more generous explanation for hurtful behavior than “he/she doesn’t care!” was the first step that moved many marriages in our research from “poor” to “pro.”

So you can get an idea of how this works, here’s an example: On the heels of an exhausting few months with high-stress jobs, the loss of a parent, and parenting their own kids, a couple we featured in the Surprising Secrets book had made long-overdue plans for a night out together.

But then the husband spent all day golfing with his buddies, got home late – and was exhausted.

Instead of elevating the situation to DEFCON 1, the wife did Step #1. She realized his actions did not indicate “taking her for granted” or any of the other negative assumptions her brain wanted to chew on. Instead, they were the actions of an exhausted man who finally – finally – was able to blow off some steam and who had lost track of time. She was honest and told her husband she was really disappointed, but then she said, “But I know you love me. And I know you needed this time with your friends.”

Overwhelmed with her gentle reaction, her husband was awed and grateful rather than defensive.

So the next time your spouse leaves a pile of dirty dishes in the sink again, or seems to brush you off or, or doesn’t ask you about the really important meeting that was on your calendar, go ahead and say “that hurts.” That’s legitimate.

But then ask yourself, “What is a more generous explanation for their behavior?” Do they just not see the dishes or were they too exhausted to do them? Is their brain at maximum capacity with work demands, and even though they prayed for my meeting they just forgot to ask about it later?

Step #2: Assume they must not have known how it would make you feel, or else they wouldn’t have said/done it.

In the first step, you challenged the “He/she doesn’t care about me!” lie about your spouse’s motives. In the second step, you turn that lie on its head, and assume the opposite.  Instead of assuming they don’t care, assume that they do – which means that if they had realized that this thing would hurt you, they wouldn’t have done it!

For example, suppose your teenager has been pushing all the boundaries, and you are trying to impose some discipline. As the situation escalates, you try to enlist the support of your spouse but you feel like they throw you under the bus instead.

If Step #1 is acknowledging your hurt, but looking for a more caring explanation for their behavior, then Step #2 means to approach your spouse with the assumption that they would NEVER have wanted to embarrass and undermine you in front of your teenager.

It might sound something like: “This action felt like ____ to me, and it hurt. I don’t think you realized that, or meant for it to come across that way. Can you help me understand how you did mean it to come across?”

This is all covered in much more detail on episode 2 of the Married with Benefits podcast, so give it a listen. (You’ll also find out exactly how things go in my house when dishes are in the sink and mail is piled on the counter. Ugh. Plus, host Brian Goins has a particular hot take on Lego bricks that I think all parents will enjoy. It involves “devil” and “Lego” in the same sentence.)

Step #3: Be kind.

When we are hurt, instead of acting in bitterness or anger, God offers us a better way: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

We all struggle, and sometimes the deepest parts of these struggles are things we can’t put into words – at least right away – even with our spouses.

Simply being kind in the moments when we are hurt can diffuse conflict, disarm our spouse’s defenses, and change our own feelings for the better. This doesn’t mean ignoring something that needs to be discussed. But purposeful kindness can help part the clouds during a hard time.

After all, when you mess up, you want your spouse to be kind to you, right?

To help you apply this well – and all the other secrets of the happy marriages! – I hope you’ll tune in to this season’s Married With Benefits podcast.

I also hope you’ll consider taking Family Life’s Summer Couple’s Challenge!! It’s a great way of investing in your marriage this summer.

*Sadly, there will be a small percentage of marriages where a troubled spouse has simply emotionally checked out, or where abuse is present. Ask an objective but trusted pastor or friend for their input on the situation in your marriage, and get help if needed.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 6 Steps to Change Your Marriage for the Better (Part 2)This week is the second installment of a two-part series in conjunction with the launch of season 4 of our… 6 Steps to Change Your Marriage For the Better (Part 1)I’m excited to bring you part 1 of a two-part marriage series, in tandem with the launch of the next… How to Find True Rest – Even in Our Busy LivesTrue rest. Our bodies long for it. Our souls need it. And yet whether we’re senior executives or stay-at-home moms,… How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 2This is Part 2 of a two-part series for parents who are tempted to do too much for our kids… How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 1his is Part 1 of a two-part series for those of us parents who just love to help our kids… A Mother’s Day Message of HopeWith Mother’s Day coming up, and with my own sweet mom navigating a recent health scare, I’m especially reminded this…

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6 Steps to Change Your Marriage For the Better (Part 1)

I’m excited to bring you part 1 of a two-part marriage series, in tandem with the launch of the next season of my podcast with Family Life. Season 4 of the Married With Benefits podcast, with me and Brian Goins, is based on my findings from The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. Each episode tackles a different secret – and there’s even a bonus one that didn’t make it into the book!

We’ve all been there. Something in our marriage needs attention, and we want to do something about it.

But … what?

Maybe we’ve been in a generally good place, but we can tell that issues are creeping up on us. Or maybe we’re stuck in a “just okay” place (or worse), and that’s not what we signed up for. After all, we stood dreamy-eyed at the altar, imagining the “for better” part of our vows, not holding a laundry list of all the things that needed to change. (If we did the latter, that’s a whole different blog series!)

Thankfully, there’s good news. Yes, “for worse” will arise from time to time in any marriage between two imperfect people. But in more than 20 years of research I’ve seen that there are almost always steps we can take to move our marriages toward the delight and connection that God created marriages to enjoy.*  The question, of course, is HOW?

In this Part 1, we’ll look at the key steps to begin any change process. Brian Goins and I dive into this in the kickoff episode of Season 4 of Family Life’s Married With Benefits podcast, so I hope you’ll listen! Then next week, in Part 2, we will tackle the first secret covered in the podcast –one of the most important habits for changing a marriage from good to great (and three steps you can take to reinforce that habit).

So let’s jump in today, with the first three steps that will help you begin powerful, positive change in your marriage.

Step #1: Learn from the “pros.”

If you are on the varsity basketball or volleyball team, and you want to go from good to great, what do you do? As my podcast co-host Brian Goins rather hilariously put it in episode 1, you don’t put a poster of Michael Brock or Megan Hollister on your bedroom wall. Who are Michael and Megan? Well, they are the best players on your varsity team, of course!  

Instead, you put up a poster of a great NBA player, and practice mimicking his stance for free throws. You watch the perfect jumps and spikes of the top women’s Olympic volleyball athletes and try the same thing over and over.

To head toward change in marriage, we have to know where we want to go! So, identify a few “Olympic greats” in your life and begin to study them. Ask them questions. What do they do differently? “Pro” couples tend to have really good road maps.

Here’s the key: Learning from the “pros” is a completely different way of approaching change, and addressing the areas of your marriage that need attention. There’s nothing wrong with the usual pattern of trying to fix things by unearthing and examining problems. But if that’s all we look at, we’re only looking at the problems! If you want to look like Jesus, you study Jesus, not the Pharisees.

One of THE most important shifts toward change for the better, is to know what works to change marriages for the better! For example, our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages shows that the happiest couples don’t expect things their spouse can’t deliver (episode 7 of the podcast) and contrary to conventional wisdom they do “keep score” – they just do it completely differently (episode 5).

Yes, very real hurts may have happened in your marriage. If you need to dig into those things to address them and move forward, then do so! But the only way to actually move forward is to ensure you don’t get stuck in a cycle of blame or regret. We must ask: What do we want to do differently? One couple in the research told me that their journey from troubled to terrific happened when they decided, “We need to start creating the marriage we want. At some point we’ve got to stop focusing on the past.”

Step #2: Do the little “pro” habits consistently.

Often, in marriage, we look for a magic bullet that will solve everything. When I was working on Find Hope, my staff director’s pastor, Mo Huggins, reminded me of something profound:

“It is not about doing the amazing things occasionally,
but the simple things consistently.”

My research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages bears this out. In fact, it’s where the tag phrase for our entire ministry was born: we are all about the little things that make a big difference.

Regular blog readers will already be aware of some of the most simple but powerful actions that will help you pull this off. But I’m repeating two powerhouse actions here, for men and women who haven’t heard them yet:

Wives: Look for things your man does and sincerely say “thank you.” Even better, say you “did a great job at ______.” Statistically, this is a powerhouse emotional statement for most men.Husbands: Do little things during the day that tell your wife you love her. For example, take your wife’s hand when you’re walking into the restaurant. Or text her just because you’re thinking about her. Statistically, this is a powerhouse emotional statement for most women.

If the above examples don’t apply to you and your spouse, find what does and be intentional about those statements and actions.

As my husband Jeff and I often say from the stage, we have to remember that it’s usually not the big-ticket issues that cause either the wonderful opportunities or the hard heartache in marriage: it’s the little day-to-day decisions. Jeff and I always see lightbulbs of hope come on when we share this with couples at marriage events.

(If Jeff and I could serve your church or area marriage ministry at an upcoming event, please contact my speaking agent Nicole Owens. We’d be so honored to encourage your couples!)

Step 3: Give yourselves grace – new “pro” skills may take time to learn!

Some of the habits of the happiest marriages will be things you’re already doing! Awesome. Do them more purposefully.

But some will come with an “oof” feeling: We’re going to have to work on that one.

You would never expect to just nail your first few attempts on the office’s new engineering design software. You would never expect the complicated soufflé to work perfectly the first few times you attempt it. You expect to have to practice and get better at most things.

Same thing in marriage. Yes, you have to practice new habits and skills. But if you persevere, most couples will see change. One key is to plan for the long game, not see it as a short-term strategy. That way, when “stuff happens” – and it will! – you’ll be able to resist the urge to throw out the whole plan, especially if you’ve been making progress. (Keep an eye out for an upcoming blog, where I’ll dive into other ways to persevere instead of getting discouraged.)

Two final suggestions

The Married With Benefits podcast is designed to help you apply all of these steps, and develop the habits of the happiest marriages. Make sure to get notified when each episode drops!

Even better, sign up for the Family Life Couples Challenge, which starts this week! You’ve probably already planned out your summer in so many ways (kids’ camps, vacations, etc.) … but have you planned what you’re doing for your marriage? This Challenge is a simple and fun way of using the summer for gradual, sensational change in your marriage. (Invite your friends to do it with you!)

* Of course, much more in-depth help, care, and counseling is needed in some situations. If there is complex trauma, for instance, please seek the help of a skilled Christian trauma counselor. Or if there is an abusive, unrepentant spouse, do not try to apply the principles of today’s blog. Please get to safety and pursue help from a trusted pastor or proper authorities instead.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

6 Steps to Change Your Marriage For the Better (Part 1) How to Find True Rest – Even in Our Busy Lives How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 2 How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 1 A Mother’s Day Message of Hope When You Hear Something that Rocks Your World, 4 Ways to Not Freak Out

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How to Find True Rest – Even in Our Busy Lives

True rest. Our bodies long for it. Our souls need it. And yet whether we’re senior executives or stay-at-home moms, we all know the feeling of bouncing around in our own lives like we’re pinballs in a pinball machine.

I know I do.

Ziinng! Time to hustle the kids out the door. Zoiinnng! I’m running late for my meeting and traffic is horrible! Zaaapp! My daughter is sick and my project isn’t working out right. Zooom! Time to rush my son to his guitar lesson, work on my laptop in the parking lot, check in with my husband (have I even talked to him today?), and figure out dinner. Zonk. The ball hit a wall and so did I.

I don’t know what it’s like in your house when you hit a wall, but in mine? Look out. Impatience, irritability, or exhaustion can creep in real fast if I let them.

Science and scripture show us a better way. And that’s why I invite you to join me this summer for a 7-week devotional journey into deeper rest. Based on my top-selling book Find Rest, my first-ever online summer devotional journey for women will feature:

Live, interactive weekly group meetings with me, for teaching and Q & ALight devotional readings that can lead you from frazzled to refreshedBonus material not found in Find RestCustomized content, based on group feedbackFind Rest devotional journey details

This 7-week devotional journey kicks off at 1 p.m. EST on June 11 with a live, online meeting. I’ll be on-screen most weeks teaching, answering questions, and asking for your feedback with interactive ideas and prompts along the way.

Sign Up Today!

Will we have 40 women? Will we have 400? We’ll find out as we take this journey together! I’m excited to see who God will bring. (The first 20 women who sign up will receive a beautiful set of 10 Find Rest notecards, so if you KNOW you want in, why wait?  Sign up today!)

Meetings last 1 hour and go from June 11-July 30 (July 2 is an off week)There is a playback option for those who can’t attend liveThe cost for this 7-week journey is $20 plus your individual purchase of Find Rest .

One of THE best ways to learn these truths is in community. So I would love it if you would gather friends or a small group to go through the material together. I’d also LOVE it if you would let others know about this! So please forward this email or blog link!

Summer is an ideal season to Find Rest

I’ve been thinking about launching an online experience like this for some time, and let’s face it: With school breaks, family vacations, and lighter church programming, summer can be a tricky time to stay connected with our friend groups and God’s word.

And that’s what makes summer the perfect time to keep up with light devotional readings and reflections while digging deep once a week into God’s promises. Promises like:

Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29 NLT)

Do you see the assurance in the above passage? There is a way to find rest! It’s by taking a yoke upon us that was meant to fit!

The result may not always be rest in our bodies (with the many demands that come with life today) but it will be rest in our souls. We can experience great peace even in a very busy life – and even amid the storms.

Final thoughts and an invitation

Since I am both a follower of Christ and a researcher, I have studied not only what the Bible says in passages such as the one above, but also what science says about how to achieve rest. And what I’ve found is that much of the stress and worry we face doesn’t have to be there.

We can stop striving. We can renew our minds. We can strengthen the relationships that water our souls. We can stop succumbing to fear, comparison, and the tyranny of the urgent.

Travel with me this summer through a day-by-day series of simple, eye-opening moments that will lead us into the rest we long for. We’ll experience more than just a “time out” or a moment of nice inspiration each day. We’ll actually find rest in our “inner souls,” and experience peace in the crazy, wonderful lives we are living.

So, forward this blog post to your small group or friends, register today, and join me for a summer devotional experience that’s much more than just a Bible study in a box. It’s a 7-week interactive journey to finding the true rest our souls crave.

I am really looking forward to seeing you this summer,

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

How to Find True Rest – Even in Our Busy Lives How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 2 How To Stop Being a Snowplow Parent – Part 1 A Mother’s Day Message of Hope When You Hear Something that Rocks Your World, 4 Ways to Not Freak Out A Personal Update – Gratitude Edition

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