Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 69

Ladies, think Golf Balls vs. Cinderella Balls to realize your man does want romance!

Tip #50: Ladies, think Golf Balls vs. Cinderella Balls to realize your man does want romance!

Ladies: When you think of romance, what does it look like? A candlelit dinner? Getting whisked away for a night of dance lessons? Having a picnic and watching the sunset? For many women, these kinds of dates are what they equate with romance. So we may look at other marriages and see romantic things the husband is doing, and feel like the romance in our own marriage is dead. Sure, your husband might say “I love you” a lot; he might text you from the solo day fishing and say “Wish you were here;” but what about the “just because” flowers? The couples massage? Why doesn’t your husband seem to think of those things?

Sometimes, it’s easy to feel like romance is the last thing on the minds of our men. But I learned something fascinating in my research for For Women Only—it’s not just women who want romance! In fact, 84% of the men said they desired romance . . . for themselves! 

Wait… what?

Does that mean that men share our desire for romantic getaways and candlelit dinners? Believe it or not, yes– a lot of them would be thrilled to do that stuff with their wives. But they don’t always feel competent to arrange it well—they’re afraid we’re going to laugh at their efforts, and that fear causes many men to hang back.

But perhaps even more importantly, men often look at romance very differently than women do—they want to go out and do things with their wives, and they find shared activity to be incredibly romantic. In fact, the action centers in the male brain are directly tied in with the emotion centers that make a man feel close to the person he is doing something with! So for a man, hitting golf balls or going on a run with his significant other feels romantic and intimate! He feels so close to that person – and he instinctively wants to do something together to have that feeling again.

Once I realized that many men view romance in this way, I started paying attention to all the activities my husband Jeff suggested, like hiking or going for a walk. (Or even “Hey honey, do you want to go to Costco?”) I began to realize that those times– just the two of us doing something together — were in some ways his version of a candlelit dinner! Once I understood that he viewed spending activity time with me as romantic, I started really noticing and appreciating the sentiment behind it.

So instead of wishing your husband would plan your idea of a romantic date, and being dissatisfied if he doesn’t, try to look at his suggestions for activities in a new, romantic light. Go fishing with him. Play golf. Catch that latest action movie he’s been dying to see. He wants to be close to you by doing things with you. And although he may suggest hotdogs at a baseball game instead of chocolate strawberries by candlelight, you will probably realize that you have a romantic husband after all!

Image credit: “Project 365 / day 29 – sunset wedding (love blooms on the golf course)” by whiz-ka is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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No Make-Up Sex For Her!

Dear Shaunti,

The other day, I got into a big fight with my wife. In an attempt to make things right, I tried to get intimate–and she got furious! We’ve only been married a few years, and honestly we don’t fight that much. But I’ve heard from lots of friends that make up sex is a common way of restoring the good feelings. I’m feeling a bit cheated. Why isn’t my wife willing to make up this way?

Sincerely,

Feeling Cheated

Dear Feeling Cheated,

Um…. I hate to ask, but were those “lots of friends” high school or college guys in the locker room? Yes, some husbands and wives have make-up sex, but at least in my research that does not appear to be the norm for most women in real life! After a fight, sex can be the farthest thing from her mind, until she’s had a chance to cool off and actually like you again. In fact, for some women, if her man tries to get physical right after a fight it can actually make the problem worse.

Here’s the disconnect: You want sex in order to create closeness again. That is one important way most men reach out for closeness when they feel distant. But if your wife is like most women (which it sounds like she is), she needs to feel closeness again before she’s going to want to even think about sex. Women have to feel emotionally connected to want to be physically close. And right after a fight? Trust me: for most of us…it’s not happenin’!

In our research, it was clear that in many cases a man could want to hop in the sack even if his wife didn’t treat him particularly well that that day. But a woman’s desire is tied directly to the way her husband treats her, and how she feels about the relationship. If you’ve just gotten into a huge brawl, or even if you just haven’t been talking much, she may feel miles away from you. And it’s almost physically impossible for her body to respond to you if she feels emotionally distant. Although you want to bridge the gap and get close again, her “fooling around switch” is likely in the off position.

So how do you turn it on again? Make sure she’s emotionally connected. This requires an intentional effort to build closeness again after a fight, with not just an apology and a hug, but the types of actions that build everyday closeness with your wife.

Guys, whether it is trying to rebuild closeness, or make your wife happy every day, the solution starts in her heart. To get the physical response you are looking for, you need to romance her in the way she is looking for. Pursue her like you did when you were first dating. And that doesn’t mean the big efforts that felt so exhausting. After all, what made her fall for you was more than just the candlelight dinners. Most likely it was the little things, like cuddling on the couch to watch a movie, texting her a note to say “I love you” out of the blue, surprising her flowers after a particular bad day, or just calling her up at work to see how she was doing. Those things showed her how you felt about her back then– and she needs to know that same thing after a fight now.

And just a quick warning: Don’t let sex be your only reason for pursuing her —I promise she’ll see right through it! Instead, make it a habit to listen, talk, and hug her, even when intimacy isn’t an option. Yes, it can be difficult to pursue her heart when you are trying to recover from anger or irritation too, and yes, it can be an investment of time and effort to show her how you feel at all times. But if you make it a habit, you’ll get returns on your investment that you won’t regret!

 

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A Zero-Divorce Pre-Marital Program: A great case study for churches and couples

A Zero-Divorce Pre-Marital Program: A great case study for churches and couples

A few months back, Jeff and I came across a highly successful model of pre-marital preparation at a church in a small town in Michigan; after seventeen years, among couples who were getting married for the first time, not one had since gotten divorced. And even when one or both spouses were on their second marriage, only a tiny fraction of those marriages had ended in divorce.  And this was after marrying more than 200 couples!

I was intrigued enough that I asked Dave Carleton, the church’s director of marriage ministry, to write a guest article explaining how the church handles its premarital counseling.  His testimony of how this little church went from something basic to brilliant in its pre-marital ministry – and how it wasn’t a matter of sticking to a specific program but to specific principles – is something I really wanted to share, in case any churches or couples find it helpful.  Enjoy!

Does Preparation in Marriage Matter?

by Dave Carleton

Seventeen years ago my pastor, Jim Wiegand, woke up to a startling realization: Half of the marriages he had performed over the past several years had turned into disaster – either through serious marriage problems or outright divorce.  Maybe, he thought, we are not truly preparing couples for marriage. Clearly, wanting to get married and having a few meetings ahead of time was not quite enough.

Question for pastors out there: does your marriage preparation consist of a few sessions to meet the couple, much of which is consumed by talk of the wedding ceremony?  My guess is that you wish you could do more, but the in-depth pre-marriage courses you’ve heard about frankly may seem beyond your budget or capacity.

You might be surprised to learn that you don’t have to have a fancy program, a large staff, or any additional money to create something that truly works; you personally don’t even have to add any more meeting time. What you do need is a vision for some specific preparation the couple needs to do, in order for you to be willing to marry them.

It amazes me how easy it is to get married compared to how much preparation we require for other things. Some spend weeks or months doing research to buy a car. Young adults take classes and road tests to get a driver’s license. And maybe a little closer to the subject, how many man-hours goes into the planning for a great wedding day and honeymoon? Yet, often, a few advance meetings with a pastor feel like nearly an afterthought.  Or worse, a huge inconvenience.

In my home state of Michigan, getting married requires three things: a blood test, filling out an application, and handing over $20 for the fee.

Is any of this true preparation for “til death do you part?”

My pastor realized it was time for a new strategy.  He asked my wife and I if we would like to put together and teach a marriage class to engaged couples. At the time we had been married decades and decades (an inside joke) and on the surface we were the most unlikely couple in the church to take on the job.

You see, the pastor knew our testimony. We had a marriage that in the past had been filled with activities that kill most marriages. When we ourselves married, we were about as ill-prepared as possible and learned everything the hard way.  Yet in our pastor’s eyes, all of that made us the perfect couple. Our experiences made us aware of some of the most sobering realities of marriage, what it would take to truly prepare for them, and how to commit to marriage in spite of them.

So we found a general pre-marital course that we decided to take each engaged couple through, and ventured out into the unknown. We found things in that program we didn’t like and other things we did, and we began to develop something that seemed a bit more robust to us.  But we also began to realize that there were many good ways to do pre-marital counseling; there was no one “best” assessment, book, or DVD course that would guarantee success.  What seemed to matter most was a few non-negotiable principles.

Today, seventeen years and more than 200 weddings later, what started out as an experiment has become a core fabric of our body of believers.  In that time, our church has grown, my wife and I have moved out of state and back in again, and other couples continued and changed the program – but through it all, a few principles have been constant.  And it is those principles that I want to share.

The Key Principles

Principle number one: It is not the pastor’s responsibility to marry every couple that darkens his door – only the ones that are “right.”

As our church has grown, so has the number of pastors. And none of them can marry a couple unless that couple has been through the pre-marital program.

Principle number two: be purposeful to DO SOMETHING to identify whether it is “right” or not.  

If you’re a pastor or church staff, don’t just fly by the seat of your pants.  If you’re a couple, seek out real pre-marital preparation.

If you’re a pastor, you, especially, must recognize when you are unable to do a “real” job of helping the couple prepare and appoint others to do so.  You may want to meet with the couple yourself a few times, and that is great; but recognize that God has almost certainly placed others in your church who could spend the necessary time with the engaged couple in a way that you almost certainly can’t.

As we said, there’s no one ‘best’ program.  Our class has looked different over the last seventeen years. It has sometimes been taught by us and sometimes by other couples, but there has always been a purposeful class, guided by these principles.

Principle number three: part of that “something” that you do must be to investigate every reason why this engaged couple shouldn’t get married to each other.

Some of the 200+ couples who have gone through our class were extremely young, starry eyed, love-struck kids.  Some were more mature and had thought things through.  Some were couples getting married for the second or third time.  But regardless of the couple, the starting-point intent of the class has never wavered.

Every class starts out with the same statement: “Our job is to talk you out of getting married to each other.”  It sounds harsh, but we believe that helping the couple investigate all the potential issues is our responsibility – and we take it seriously.

It also is not received very well, especially by the women! But trust me when I say that we have saved some heartache and pain by helping couples understand they are not ready, or maybe not even right for each other.

Recently one of our newer couples came up to me at church and confessed, “At the start of the class I was coming only because it was mandatory if we wanted to get married here. But as the class went on I realized: we were not prepared.  We began to work on the areas that would have caused us issues or left us short of God’s design. We thought we were ready to get married because we were in love. Now we realize our commitment must be deeper than that.”

Principle number four: Preparation Matters

Of course, we are not just investigating the reasons why a couple shouldn’t get married in order to catch the potential problems – but to address them.  The more we dig out, the more a couple can prepare.  Does a couple have completely different expectations about finances, sex, children, and in-laws?  This is the chance to discuss how they will handle those issues.  Do they understand what will most hurt their future husband or wife?  If not, this is their chance to have their eyes opened.  Do they have two completely different temperaments and ways of relating?  Is one a shouter and one a stuffer?  Were they both headstrong eldest children?  Whatever their makeup, now is the time to develop healthy ways of responding to each other, rather than trying to solve heartache later on.

Principle number five: be prayed up, and be prepared to make tough decisions.

 It can be very, very tough to make the hard call that this particular marriage is not a good idea – at least not right now.  Which is why the leaders and the couple must always pray for discernment and wisdom.  We have a responsibility with the lives put before us.

And if we take this responsibility seriously, God will honor that.  In fact, after time, some people have come back to thank us for stopping them from taking the path they were about to take.

And of course, there is great joy in watching those whom we have married build a life together and raise their children.  We joyfully look forward to hundreds of virtual grandchildren!

Principle number six: Make marriage a priority

The host of this blog, Shaunti Feldhahn, has done amazing research to dispel the myth that the divorce rate in the church is the same as among non-churchgoers.  Well, if we in the church are doing our duty, preparing couples properly for marriage can make a major impact on lowering those numbers even more. Why can I say that with confidence? After seventeen years, the divorce rate among couples who have gone through our class and who are both getting married for the first time is ZERO. The rate for couples in which one or the other had been married before is less than 10%.

But preparation is not the only reason for that amazing track record. We prepare the couple before marriage and then support and encourage them after marriage.  Our church, The Freedom Center, has committed to making strong marriages a priority. We have implemented a comprehensive strategy that includes an annual marriage retreat, two weekend marriage conferences per year, small groups so married couples can make friends with each other, weekly topical marriage classes (Sunday School and the like), crisis counseling, and what we believe to be the secret sauce, focused mentoring.

In my book, Marriage Is Not Hard, I make the case that three elements are necessary to make marriage as glorious as God designed. One of those elements is knowledge, and we take the responsibility to impart as much as we can before the marriage even begins. Invest in marriages, and it will bear fruit in every ministry in your church.  But how we do all of this isn’t really that important: it is how you do it, in your particular church and your particular culture that matters.

If you have input or would like to discuss anything about our ministry, I can be reached at dave@contend4marriage.com.

**  ** **

Dave and Valerie Carleton, now living in Michigan, have been married for 47 years, have 3 wonderful and successful sons, 2 outstanding grandchildren, and 2 wonderful daughters-in-law. Their children are a testament to the stay-at-home-mom environment to which Valerie dedicated herself. Dave has thrived in the business world as a sales and marketing executive. In the late 1990’s, he dove into the world of entrepreneurship and built a successful company, which he later sold. They have been an integral part of their church’s marriage strategy and now hold the position of Directors of Marriage Ministry. They have led over 200 couples in pre-marriage preparation, counseled hundreds of couples, and are frequent speakers for marriage conferences. They also founded Contend4Marriage to help churches form thriving marriage ministries. He is also the author of the recently released book entitled Marriage is Not Hard, It is Designed for Glory.

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Sweet “Best of 2014” gift from Focus on the Family!

I just got a box from Focus on the Family on my doorstep, and thought “Huh?” I’m not working on any projects with them requiring packages at the moment. I opened it with some curiosity and found this wonderful gift! Since you probably can’t see the small print, it is a framed CD of a Focus on the Family broadcast with a sweet note from Jim Daly, with thanks for my two-day show, that was one of their top broadcasts of 2014!

The CD says “Focus on the Family Best of 2014” and then under that, the title of the two-day broadcast I did with them earlier in the year, “Uncovering the Secrets to a Happy Marriage I-II”. Then there’s this inset note:

Shaunti –

I’m pleased to report that “Uncovering the Secrets of a Happy Marriage” was among Focus on the Family’s top-rated broadcasts for 2014! Your insights on what makes for happier, more fulfilling marriages was enlightening and uplifting. Thank you for sharing your findings with our listeners!

– Jim Daly

They had let me know late last year that the show was a top broadcast and that they were rerunning it during the holidays in the weeks they set aside for the most popular shows. But it was SO KIND of them to think to commemorate it this way. I know it must sound funny, but there is something really special about seeing that in print from one of the ministries that I respect so much.

So here’s a big thank you back to Jim Daly, John Fuller, and the rest of the Focus team –especially the broadcast team: I truly love working with you guys! Thank YOU for the opportunity to share, and for what all of you do every single day to strengthen marriages and families.

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Help! Why would my math-loving daughter give up her dream?

Dear Shaunti,

My 13-year-old daughter rocks at math and science.  She is at the top of her 8th grade class, and is one of the only girls in a robotics elective.   My husband and I have always told her she’ll make a great engineer or doctor someday, and she used to LOVE that.  But she also likes choir a lot, and lately, I’m alarmed because she has begun to think of herself as a creative person more than a math person.  In the last few months, when I say ‘You have an engineering brain’ she pushes back and irritably says ‘No, Mom, I have a music brain!’  I do NOT want her to fall into the category of girls who take themselves out of the running of math and science just because it’s not as popular a route for girls!   What can we do?

-Math Mom

Dear Math Mom,

This question is personal for me because something very similar happened in our house two years ago – and I was just as alarmed!

Here’s what may be going on, and it probably has only a little to do with seeing fewer girls in those courses.  As much as it might look like it, your daughter is not rejecting math and science as a direction: she’s rejecting the idea of you telling her that she’s going to choose math and science as a direction!  Your child has clicked into a new phase of development.  She wants to be her own person separate from you.  And that includes feeling very strongly that she wants to decide who she is and what choice she will make.

I saw this pattern over and over in our research with teens and pre-teens for For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid. Realizing what was probably happening under the surface was one of the only things that kept me sane once I saw the pattern in my own daughter!   You and your husband have praised her for this math-and-science wiring for years, but once she clicked over into wanting her own identity, suddenly she felt an urgent need to separate herself from what you think her identity is.

Once she’s in this new phase of development, saying things that used to please her (“You have such a great engineering brain”) will only frustrate and even alarm her.  What I heard in our interviews was that the more parents “push,” the more the kids start thinking (consciously or subconsciously) that they have to get greater and greater distance from their parent’s beliefs and expectations about them, in order to figure out their own beliefs and expectations for themselves!

So your daughter might be thinking, But do I want to have an engineering brain?  What if I like musical theater more?  After all, I like hanging out with Jenni and Casey in choir, and they think I sing really well… and they don’t do robotics… Maybe I’m a creative person, not a math person?

So she throws out comments that sound final but are actually testing the waters (“No, I’m a music person”), because she’s urgently trying to get some distance from what you think about her.

What do you do? In addition to some technical steps like ensuring she has other opportunities to be with girlfriends, it is critical to back off anything she will see as you pushing an identity on her.  This is when you become a leader instead – knowing that she will need to decide to follow where you lead.  Because all too soon, she truly will be able to make these choices for herself.  This applies not just to subjects in school, but beliefs about faith, opinions about right and wrong, and what character traits are important.

Above all, you do not want her to reject something you feel is important simply because you never let her decide it for herself and she felt that rejecting it was the only way to get her own sense of identity.

What does leading, not pushing, look like?  In this phase of development (which lasts for years), the kids told me they respected parents who would calmly make their own opinions clear, but also acknowledge that their kids might feel differently and that they (the parents) were available to help them think it through.  Ironically, that freed the teens up to, in most cases, come right back around to accepting that opinion for themselves.

It was scary for me to back off of my daughter, when I could so clearly see that, yes, she was extremely good at art, but that she was truly gifted at math in a special way.  But I forced myself to help her pursue both pursuits as a way to let her explore.  We told her that we would require her to choose STEM courses in high school since that was important for college admission.  But we also went to great trouble to arrange for art courses “because you are so gifted at art”, and have committed we will do that every year if she wanted.

And just recently she offhandedly mentioned that her favorite TV character – a beautiful computer whiz – had gone to MIT.  “So,” my daughter casually added, “I was thinking I would love to try to get into MIT.”

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Wives, if you earn more than he does, show even more appreciation

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.

iStock

Tip #49: Wives, if you earn more than he does, show even more appreciation

As women’s earning power has changed over the last fifty years, so have marriage dynamics – and having a great relationship means knowing how to handle the new normal. According to a 2013 Pew Research study, among married couples in 1960, just six percent of women earned more than their husbands. Today, the number is 24 percent.

To be sure, in many of those households the income differences are so small that both spouses are essentially contributing equally. But in many others, the wife either earns more by a significant margin or is the only breadwinner.

Ladies, if that is your situation, here’s a vital tip: to the degree that you earn more than he does, you have to show that much more appreciation for him as a husband, as a father, as a man and as a provider. Affirmation is important in every marriage, obviously, but it becomes urgent if you as a woman earn more. It is essential to show by your words and actions how grateful you are for what he does to take care of you and the family, even if that is not just (or not mostly) about money.

Why does this matter so much? When I did all my research for For Women Only, I was stunned to see thousands of men say that even if their wives fully supported the family, it made no difference to their deep male compulsion to provide. Almost eight in ten men said, essentially, “I still feel like it is my job to provide for the family, and it is painful to feel like I’m not doing a good job at it – or doing it, period.”

I was also stunned to see that the men internally still felt this pain, even if the couple had decided together that it made more sense for (for example) the lawyer wife to work full time while the electrician husband cut back to a part-time schedule to be with the kids. Even though a man could logically decide that this was the best decision for now, his emotions still whispered at him: you’re a failure.

I’ve seen this very personally. When the market crashed and my husband’s business shut down, he suddenly went from years as a high-paid lawyer and entrepreneur to someone who was struggling to pay the mortgage. Then my research and books took off. Suddenly I was traveling and speaking, and it made much more financial sense for him to work as an independent attorney and not go back to a high-demand law firm, so he had the flexibility to be on call for the kids when I was away.

It made more financial sense … but it could have torpedoed our marriage. Like any man, Jeff was wrestling with a painful sense of inadequacy. If I was a better business man, the business wouldn’t have tanked, and I would be able to take care of my family. I’m not doing my job as a husband. I’m not doing my job as a father.

I assumed he knew that I felt he was an amazing husband and father. I assumed he knew that I believed in him as a businessman. It took me a long time to realize that actually, no, that was the point: he assumed he wasn’t a good husband and father. So it made all the difference for me to look for every opportunity to say – and show – that he was.

Almost certainly, the same is true of your man. Don’t just assume he knows that you appreciate the sacrifice he’s making in staying home with the kids – tell him. Don’t just assume he knows that you think he’s a great dad – tell him how much you love the way he tells the kids silly stories. Don’t just assume he understands that you admire him – tell him how impressed you were with the way he handled that dispute at church. Don’t just assume he grasps just how much you need him. Find ways to tell him that, and multiple ways to affirm him every day. (No surprise: sending that message in the bedroom is one of the best ways to soothe his self-doubt.)

Always keep in the front of your mind that the hidden vulnerabilities of every man are exacerbated inside your man by the nagging belief he’s not providing for you. So make sure you show him all the ways that he is. Because providing and taking care of the family doesn’t just mean money.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Advice: My Male Co-Workers Argued with Me While I was Performing Surgery

Dear Shaunti:

As the new medical director at a large hospital and top surgeon, I am a qualified woman with excellent experience in the medical field and in management. But I seem to be having a really hard time with my male coworkers since I was promoted. I work with a lot of men and have to make tough decisions quickly while on the surgery floor. Recently, two of my male counterparts argued with me over a decision. When I raised my voice and came right back at them with my response, they shut down and now are calling me “unreliable” as a leader. I am competent and THE final decision maker at the end of the day, and furious that they don’t seem to see a woman as a reliable leader. How can I get them to honor my authority on the tough calls and have the type of good working relationship that is needed at the same time? 

Sincerely,

Dr. Management Help

Dear Dr. Management Help,

Well, first, I’m stunned that they would argue with you in surgery, since I assume that as your subordinates in a quick-decisions atmosphere, they should be jumping when you say jump. Which makes me wonder what you mean by “arguing.” I don’t know much about the medical field, but if they were trying to raise a standard, legitimate question and felt like you shut them down that could account for their skepticism of your leadership.

Be that as it may, however, there’s a more crucial big-picture issue to tackle. As I read your question, I highly doubt that they don’t see a WOMAN as a reliable leader but that they don’t see YOU as a reliable leader. And since you seem to have excellent qualifications and this problem only arose since your promotion, the likely problem is how you’re communicating. Presumably without realizing it, you’re conveying a lack of respect for your colleagues.

Avoiding disrespect is important for any working relationship but it is absolutely essential for men. Both at work and at home, a man’s greatest need is to know that those around them respect, trust, and appreciate them.   And the thing that is guaranteed to cause them the greatest pain is feeling disrespected or inadequate in front of others. You may only have intended to assert your authority and move on quickly, but by raising your voice and shutting them down in the way you did, you probably humiliated them in front of the rest of the surgery staff. And that sort of situation is likely to make anyone – man or woman — lose respect for someone as a leader.

In my research with men, you might be interested in a few candid responses about what a woman might do that is guaranteed to indicate disrespect:

-       Come off as haughty.

-       Making sure you know that she’s in charge.

-       Being “bossy” – which usually means she orders people around as if they were not worthy of careful handling.

-       Being too forceful in expressing her opinions or work ideas, in an effort to make sure they are accepted by men. Which usually backfires.

The reality is that you don’t need to “assert” your authority: you already HAVE authority. You don’t need to make sure others know you are in charge: you ARE in charge.   But since it now sounds like your male coworkers are worried about that, be ultra-purposeful about how you communicate, especially in high-stress situations. Be firm, but calm. Use an even, matter-of-fact tone. If you need to disagree, say “I hear your concerns, but this is what we are going to do now.” If there is something that needs to be addressed personally, do it in private and not in front of other coworkers.

It may not seem “fair” that you have to be careful about your communication style, but being a true leader means leading well in the situation as it is, rather than how you wish it would be. By being purposeful about demonstrating respect for those over whom you have authority, you are far more likely to be the type of leader they want to follow for years to come.

 

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Atlanta’s ‘snow day’ update

Okay, I just had to post this update to this morning’s blog. My kids were delighted with the snow day of cancelled school, but highly disappointed that the snowstorm is providing neighborhoods at our latitude only intermittent big fluffy snowflakes and ice, and rain at all other times.

They were determined to get the most out of our ‘snow,’ so every time snowflakes fall, they run outside to …well…not have a snowBALL fight, so much as a snow PELLET fight. If they scoop up enough snowflakes and ice that have stuck to the dead leaves on the ground, they can scrape together ice-and-snow pellets to throw at each other.

Yes, slightly pathetic, I know, but these are the winter sports in Atlanta. My kids are HIGHLY jealous of their friends who live in neighborhoods just a mile or two north, where the temperature is a smidge lower and the precipitation is ACTUAL snow.

I know all of you who live in the northern states that have gotten hammered by the recent series of storms, probably wish you could send some of your snow down here!

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Reflections on a city that doesn’t know how to handle snow.

Remember February 2014 when Atlanta was the laughingstock of the country for having citywide gridlock, with tens of thousands of cars stranded on the roads overnight, because of an inch or two of ice and snow?

Atlanta sure does!

We call that embarrassing episode Snowmageddon, and every Atlanta resident has their own story of that day–nights spent in cars, kids stranded at schools, etc. It all happened because when the snow-and-ice storm swept in during the early afternoon, all schools decided to let out early, and every parent in downtown Atlanta headed toward the ‘burbs at the same time to get their kids…along with everyone else. On a sheet of ice. Suddenly all the 18 wheelers on the highways started skidding. Accidents abounded at the same time every car in Atlanta was on the road at the same time. And hey presto: instant gridlock on every road in the city.

Well, roughly one year later, another snowstorm is likely to sweep in today about the time that school lets out. So what do the schools do? They all close. All of them. The Governor declares a state of emergency. And everyone hunkers down.

I took this picture on my way to a breakfast meeting, on a road that is usually completely backed up with rush hour traffic at 7:45 am. Today: nothin’. Normally, the rush hour trip would take me 30 minutes. Today: 11. Everyone is at home, indoors, waiting for the forecasted storm to arrive. Around 3pm.

Since Jeff is from Michigan and both of us have lived in Boston and New York, we find this somewhat amusing. A city of 6 million people is closed because a snowstorm might be coming. In seven hours.

Well, at least I can get to my meeting quickly!

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When Conflict Avoidance Doesn’t Promote Peace

Dear Shaunti,

My husband and I never used to fight, but there have been a lot of fights, or almost-fights, the last few months. My husband is on the verge of losing his job in a restructuring, and we have three kids under the age of five. So he’s tense and on edge all the time, and little irritations tend to blow up into arguments. I can’t stand the kids being around that. I hate conflict in general, so I tend to take the kids and go to the mall or the park just to avoid the tension. My husband thinks I’m running away from him or the issues we need to deal with, but I’m just trying to keep the peace. And I don’t know what to say to him anymore, anyway. How can I get him to stop picking fights so we can get back to how we were?

- Peace-keeper

Dear Peace-keeper,

I think you’re mistaking conflict avoidance for peace. When voices are raised or things get tense, you run out the door. That isn’t peace. It is a one-sided effort to avoid the very real issues that need to be discussed – and it cuts your husband completely out of the process. To be sure, it sounds like your husband needs to work on how he handles his stress, but it also sounds like he really does want to work things out with you. And it can be very damaging if you don’t let that process happen.

The bigger problem is that it will be very difficult for that process to happen well, if you don’t restore the friendship between you and your husband. Your husband should be by far your closest friend – and that deep friendship should provide the basis for being able to address issues well even when times are tough. Think about it: in any situation, good friends who know and care about each other deeply can usually hash things out when there is stress in their relationship. And it was clear in my research that it works the same way in marriage.

But right now, by spending less and less time with your husband, you are creating a situation where you are more acquaintances than best friends. You’re creating so much distance, you don’t even know how to talk to him anymore.

To “get back to how you were”, I urge you to do whatever you need to do, to restore your friendship with this most important person in your life. And that means spending time together without the pressure of a big discussion, but just catching up on what is going on with each of you. Ask a friend to babysit and go out to a cheap dinner just for fun, and to get some alone time. Take the kids for a walk around the neighborhood together. Sit on the couch and watch an old favorite movie once the kids are in bed. Spend time together restoring and rebuilding your relationship as best friends who can tell each other anything.

And then be willing to trust your best friend with a confession of how much you hate conflict, but how much you want to be willing to work things out instead. Trust him with a plea for what you need in order for that to happen. For example, explain how insecure his raised voice makes you feel, and ask if he can take a few deep breaths and speak calmly instead. And show him that you mean it, by hanging in there the next time there is tension in the air.

After all, it sounds like this is a very difficult season for your husband, as well, and it is a blessing that he wants your support and presence during this time. If you both can navigate this period with your friendship front and center, I believe that not only will you “get back to where you used to be,” but you’ll find that you are so much closer.

Photo Credit: johanlb via Compfight cc

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