Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 68

Today Starts The 30 Day Kindness Challenge!

Today Starts The 30 Day Kindness Challenge!

And weeeeee’re off!  The starter’s gun has fired and you’re off and running on a thirty day marathon that will lead to some great encouragement in your lives and marriages.

Just as a quick review, here’s the race set before you (The 30 Day Kindness Challenge).  For the next 30 days:

Don’t be distracted and don’t withdraw: give your wife or girlfriend your full attention at least 15 minutes a day and, when you are upset, stay in the game five more minutes past when you want to escape.
Each day, find at least one thing that you enjoy or appreciate about her, and tell her.
Each day, do one little act of kindness for her.

I am thrilled that you’re willing to be a part of helping me develop this Challenge for men, and I hope you’ll see some great things happen over the next month.

Here are three tips for success – and please share with us what works for you as you go! (Email me at cniziol@shaunti.com anytime.)

Success Tip #1:  Run the race with a buddy

If you have ever started a new workout plan with a friend or colleague, you know it is easier and more successful than trying to go it alone. Especially since it keeps you accountable to remember to do it. This is no different. Now, unlike women, I know you gentlemen won’t exactly have a coffee klatch and compare notes for hours! But it will help if you enlist another guy who you can bounce things off of, and check in with.

And our team stands ready to help. Feel free to email us questions (cniziol@shaunti.com) as you go, and definitely share any input you have.

Success Tip #2:  Learn how your wife responds over time – and how you do, too.

For this to work, you’ll need to pay close attention to what your wife or girlfriend responds to best – not just at one time, but over time.

Each day, in addition to working on the “listening thing,” you’ll be receiving emails from us with simple ideas of how to do Challenge actions #2 and #3 (telling her what you love about her, and doing little acts of kindness). Feel free to do those specific tips each day, or go completely your own way, but the key is this: observe her response over the course of weeks. What did she say when you did a particular thing? What worked? What didn’t? You may be surprised at how some little things make a bigger difference than you would have thought! Observation is key, especially since you may be practicing some of these types of things for the first time and it may take a few tries to get it right – for example, for her to feel that you’re actually listening.

Just as important: learn how you respond. For example: if your wife doesn’t react in the way you expect, how can you stop yourself from assuming that she doesn’t appreciate your efforts? (For example: to look for clues that she does appreciate your efforts but is simply responding a different way?) Or what most helps you hang in there for that extra five minutes during conflict instead of withdrawing? (Or, perhaps, do you realize that in conflict, in order for this to be the kindness challenge, you personally do need to withdraw to control your anger, and then come back?)

The best way to track what you are learning – about her and you — is to write it down. If you have a notebook or journal in which you track your workouts, day-to-day business, or personal notes, set aside a few pages to capture what you’re learning in the Challenge.

Success Tip #3: Try a gift journal

This Challenge will, we hope, give you a whole new appreciation for the woman in your life, and you’ll be getting plenty of chances to tell her that. This is optional, but imagine what a great gift it would be to memorialize those comments in writing.

So consider buying a pretty journal or notebook (hint: bookstores, gift stores, or the stationary aisle at stores like Target have the nicest ones, but even drugstores have simple little notebooks that work), in which to record your Challenge #2 comments each day. And then give the journal to her as a special present. Either on the last day of the Challenge or some later date, like your next date night or her birthday.

We’re cheering you on!

By stepping up to do this Challenge, you’re showing you’re the type of man who wants to invest in his relationship. Whether you tell your wife what you’re doing, or are planning to keep it secret and see what happens, that investment will pay off.

Now. Go listen to your wife!

Cheering you on…

— Shaunti

 

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Choose what type of couple you want to be.

Tip #52: Choose what type of couple you want to be.

One night recently, I had to stop everything, and write something down. Because it was far, far too important to forget – and provides a key tip for marriages.

I was speaking at a thank-you dinner for a group of people who work with married couples at a particular church. About 200 small group leaders, counselors and other marriage mentors gathered to hear music, a fun game show put on by the pastor and his wife, and then my talk as I shared some of my research about marriage. Encouraging research that shows there is so much more hope for marriage than we have thought. (For example, that the 50% divorce rate is a myth.) I was sharing data these leaders could use to encourage their people to go “all in” in their marriages instead of giving in to the temptation to hold back and protect themselves – which creates worse problems!

So there I am, after the talk, interacting with these marriage leaders, and one man quietly comes over and says, “I need to share a story.”

“Okay…?”

He pulled me aside. “Five years ago, our marriage was disintegrating. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. My wife felt like I didn’t care about her. We were constantly at odds, with one foot mentally out the door. And suddenly, one day, I stopped. I told her, ‘There are two types of couples in this world. Those that want to work everything out before they commit, and those that want to commit to working everything out. Which do you want to be?’”

I was practically speechless – which, if you know me, is quite a feat. I knew I was hearing something profound. I stammered, “That is an amazing insight.”

He nodded. “Yes, but not from me. I felt like God just gave it to me. And that is when everything changed. Because with the first approach, a marriage will never make it. You feel like with one mess-up, you could be done. But we decided we would commit to working everything out somehow. No matter what. And that is why we are now here today, with a great marriage, leading a small group of other married couples.”

I scrambled for a pen to write down an insight that, in three sentences, was perhaps more important than anything I had said my 40 minute talk.

In my research, I have seen the dramatic truth behind what this man said. The happiest couples are so happy, in part, because they take the risk of getting their hearts broken. They fully commit and fully invest emotionally instead of holding back to protect themselves; even if they don’t know how they will work everything out, they know they have to! But then, because they know they will be together for the rest of their lives, suddenly they have drastically increased security. Suddenly, because of that security they can be truly real… be vulnerable… be true friends… all of which usually leads to true happiness.

Follow this man’s example, and you’ll probably find the same thing. Choose to be the couple that is all in, and fully committed no matter what. It may be hard at times but it is life changing.

I will leave his words with you, again, so you can share them with others… and ponder your own answer.

There are two types of couples in this world.

Those that want to work everything out before they commit, and those that want to commit to working everything out.

Which do you want to be?

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.

Photo Credit: seanmcgrath via Compfight cc

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How can I get my teen to STOP relying on social media so much?

My kids’ obsession with Instagram and other social media has gotten to ridiculous levels. My teenage daughter takes photos of her outfits before she goes to school and wears the option that got the most likes.  She’s already placing far too much value on what her peers think of her, and social media is making it worse.  I’m ready to throw her phone in the trash. How can I get her to stop relying on social media so much – especially for her self-identity?

-Irritated with Instagram

Dear Irritated –

Absurd as it may seem to us who grew up without social media, our teens have no frame of reference for life without it. So although it seems “ridiculous,” it’s time to embrace the fact that this is a big part of your teen’s world.  That doesn’t mean social media use shouldn’t be controlled (it should) or that it should drive their identity (it shouldn’t) but it does mean giving up the illusion that a teen can live a normal life without it today. 

 It also means recognizing that if you want to guide your daughter away from relying on anything (social media included) for her self-identity, that you have to enter in to this part of her life, rather than trying to keep her entirely from it. You need to understand her motivations, how she uses social media, who her digital friends are, and what she thinks about it all. And the good news is that, statistically, she probably wants you to! 

 According to my For Parents Only research with middle school and high school kids, our kids want us to make the effort to understand their life and their world, and be a part it.  It sends the message that we care enough about our child and who he or she really is (rather than who we might want them to be) that we’re willing to step into a social environment that may not come naturally, in order to better understand them. It sends the message that they can trust us. 

 So instead of giving your “disapproving” glance whenever your daughter checks her Instagram comments, ask her about them.  I assume you are already checking her phone, social media use and texts (hint hint), so next time you take a look and hand her back her phone, ask open-ended questions to show your interest.  “Who comments the most on what you post?”  “What do you think about what Paige said?”  “Read me some of your favorite posts!” 

 This involvement almost certainly will lead to more meaningful questions that give you windows of opportunity for guidance.  “Do you ever wear an outfit that got voted down, just because you liked it best?”  “What do you think, when you see that Jamie has 300 followers and you have 67?”  “Do any of your friends just not care whether anyone comments on their posts?  Why do you think they are free of the need for that approval?” 

 Casual questions with deep opportunities. 

 A woman business leader that I know tells the people who work for her, “I can’t grow you unless I know you” – and the same principle applies to you as a parent.  You can’t grow your child, and help her avoid the temptations to rely on friends and approval for self-worth, if you know very little about a huge part of her life. 

 And once you do know her better, you’ll know best how to share some key truths in a way she’ll accept – like the fact that although it is natural to seek affirmation in the affection or praise of others, it is only in knowing that we are God’s children, created in His image, richly loved in spite of our flaws that we find true affirmation.  That is simply not something we can get from anything or anyone else!  You’ll be able to help her see that relying on Instagram comments for happiness is a road to heartbreak. 

 And since she will now know that you care about her, and that she can trust you – she’ll be far more inclined to listen. 

 

This article first appeared on Patheos.

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Men: If you want more sex, give her better anticipation time

Marriage Monday Tip 52: Men: If you want more sex, give her better anticipation time

Although some couples are the opposite in this way, in many cases the husband wishes his wife would be eager more often. Guys, there is a way to solve this, but you have learn something critical about women – and about yourself and your approach.

See, subconsciously, you are probably expecting your wife to have the same type of sexual-emotional wiring and desire as you, just packaged in a female body. So if you’re anything like my husband, Jeff, or the men I’ve surveyed over the years, mismatches leave you baffled. As one of Jeff’s buddies put it, “If sex is free and it’s fun, why doesn’t she want lots of free fun?”

Even worse, when you approach your wife and hear, “I’m so tired, honey,” you automatically think that means you’re not desirable enough. As one man memorably told me, “I think to myself, If I was enough of a stud, she wouldn’t be tired!”

You need to know that her tiredness is real and has nothing to do with your desirability. In fact, on our surveys of women for For Men Only, Jeff and I found that among wives who tended to want less sex than their husbands, only 4% said it was because he wasn’t attractive or desirable! Most women are attracted to their husbands and want a great sexual relationship.

So that being true – what can you do to solve the mismatch? There are two essential steps.

First, because your wife has vastly different emotional wiring, realize that she is stimulated differently too. You’re set off by what you see. But she needs to feel connected and close emotionally outside the bedroom, in order to want to be close inside the bedroom. How you have treated her recently directly impacts not only her interest in responding sexually, but her ability to respond. So pay much more attention to healing hurts, creating closeness through talking about her feelings day to day, and even doing the things around the house that will help her feel loved and supported by you.

But remember: that is only one part of the two part solution, and your wife needs both!

Second, you must realize that because your wife is physiologically different from you, she also likely has a completely different type of desire.

See, with more testosterone, most men have what is called “assertive desire”, and want to pursue sex and are ready very quickly. But women have far less testosterone. So although most women enjoy it when it’s happening, they just don’t think about it as much and – here’s the key – aren’t ready at a moment’s notice. You can be the sweetest, kindest husband on the planet; you can help around the house and sincerely engage your wife in great conversation every day…. but that doesn’t mean she will be thinking about sex!

So when she flops into bed, exhausted from her day, and sex hasn’t been even a flicker of a thought in her mind (I know you find this hard to believe, but it is true), it can be very physically and emotionally difficult to respond with enthusiasm when you roll over and give her that special grin.

So here’s the second part of the solution: If your wife is like most other women, she probably needs what we call “anticipation time” – time to think about it and get in the mood ahead of time so she can be ready to enthusiastically enjoy your time together rather than being surprised by it. A little flirting comment in the morning, delivered with a grin – “Yeah, honey, I love that outfit on you… but, hmm, I might like it even better off you tonight.” — will click on that switch in her brain so she is truly anticipating it!

Guys, build a sense of closeness outside the bedroom, and get her thinking about sex before you get to the bedroom – and you may find a very different experience in the bedroom!

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Mondays series!

Drawn from Chapter 7 of For Men Only, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

Image credit: “The smile that would make you happy.” by Lara Cores is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Welcome to Marriage Mondays! Each Monday, join me as I share my top findings on the little, eye-opening things about men, women, and relationships that make a big difference in creating great marriages.

The post Men: If you want more sex, give her better anticipation time appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

In marriage, realize the need to understand men’s deep vulnerability

A women’s ministry leader once told me, “With a woman, if something is unsettled in her marriage or dating relationship, it’s like nothing is right with the world until that is resolved.”   So true!  Whether it is a single woman who is wondering why her latest date won’t call her back or a woman married fifty years, we are relational creatures.  It is so hard to thrive in life, if we’re not thriving in relationships!

If you are a woman who leads women – a women’s ministry director, for example – you find yourself part leader, part counselor, part event planner, part cruise ship director, and part shoulder-to-cry-on.  You WANT to help the women you lead thrive in their relationships, but how do you do that?

In more than thirteen years of research, I’ve found one often-overlooked secret makes all the difference: help women understand a few key things about men that they don’t know right now.  

You might be thinking: Huh? Stay with me.  In the decade since For Women Only came out (has it really been that long??!) I’ve spoken at hundreds of churches and women’s conferences, and with hundreds of thousands of women.  And in those events and in my national surveys, I’ve seen this one incontrovertible truth: most relationship problems – for both women and men! — aren’t usually caused by the big-ticket issues, but by the little ones.  There are some exceptions of course, but in most cases we simply don’t know something absolutely critical about what makes the other person feel cared for… or what hurts them.  So we are trying hard in the wrong areas, or hurting or turning off the other person without ever realizing it!

For us as women, everything changes when we learn a few simple, eye-opening truths about the way men secretly think and feel –those vital, deep needs and insecurities that affect every part of him, but which he didn’t always know how to explain.   Once we “see” just a few of those things, and apply them, it is amazing how much of the conflict and heartache goes away and how much more we enjoy our relationship.

Here’s just one example.

It turns out, men look so confident but secretly have much more self-doubt and vulnerability than you realize. A man most wants to be good at what he does — to be a good husband or father, for example — and know that you think he is good at what he does.  So feeling like you appreciate him is like oxygen to a man.  Yet at the same time because of his deep self-doubt, a man’s most private – and painful – question is, “But wait.  Am I any good as a husband, a father, a businessman?  Am I adequate?  Do I measure up?”  And every day, he is looking to the woman in his life for clues as to the answer to that question.

In other words: This self-doubt is like a painful, raw nerve and you can hit that nerve without even realizing you’re doing it.  You can really, really hurt the man in your life (or the man you want to be in your life!) without ever intending to.

For example, something that is to us a simple question –like ‘why did you let the kids stay up so late on a school night?’ — can actually imply ‘I think you’re incompetent, you do not measure up as a father, get out of my way.’

Now, if he were to get angry (a man’s signal of feeling inadequate), it is easy to dismiss it as him being oversensitive – but don’t. Put yourself in his shoes.  Remember that he deeply wants to be a great dad – but deeply doubts his ability to be one.  And now (in his mind) you just confirmed he’s incompetent, so it will be a whole lot better next time not to try.

Yes, that is truly how men think.  All the time.

Now imagine:  imagine the difference it will make for us to truly see that inner man, the vulnerable one, and recognize that it is not so much what you say as how you say it that makes all the difference.  For example, to know that if you need to ask why the kids were up so late, it will make a big difference if you say, “Thanks so much for taking the kids while I went out to my women’s bible study – but help me understand… you know it’s a school night… did you want some more ‘dad time’ with them?  What was going on?’

And there is even another possible way to respond.  One that is a lot more difficult—and far more powerful.  Say “thanks”… and force yourself to not ask the question at all.  Force yourself to choose to trust that he is capable but may just have different judgment from you – and that is okay.   To not say “did you do this and this and this and this while I was gone?”  It is so hard to let go enough to do that, but even if you only do it sometimes, it frees a man up to be a dad in the way he wants to be.

Now yes, of course, we cannot put our brains on hold, and from time to time we may have to raise truly important issues.  And yes, there may be times your hubby gets so caught up in the basketball game that he misses little Brandon’s bedtime even though you reminded him of that important math test tomorrow.

But here’s the bottom line question – especially for us women who are used to taking charge and may need reminding of the big picture.  Ask yourself: what is more important?  Little Brandon’s sleep and his math score?  Or meeting your husband’s most important need of feeling that you respect him and think he’s a great dad – especially IF he does actually make a mistake from time to time, which he already feels bad about?

Put like that, there’s no contest.

Tell the women you minister to: while there will be some sad exceptions, the vast majority of married men (more than 99% on my surveys) deeply care about their wives.  A man wants to be the man his wife needs.  A dating relationship is obviously a bit different, but among the single men in my research it was clear that a man is looking for a woman who will be safe with his tender heart, and can believe in him despite his inevitable mistakes.

Tell your women: Choose to trust your man, choose to believe in him, and watch him become so.  Learn those little things you just didn’t know about men and put them into practice.  The results I’ve seen in the research are amazing, and if you – or your women — try this, you’ll see amazing results too.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Women, if your husband is grumpy and withdrawn, try compliments, not complaints

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Tip: 51: Women, if your husband is grumpy and withdrawn, try compliments, not complaints

Ladies, does your man seem to be doing everything right outside of the house, but at home he is often grumpy and withdrawn? Does he seem to be pleasant to everyone but you? Does he get upset over the littlest things you do and say? Do you feel like you are being ignored? If you are nodding yes, yes, yes, then here’s a news flash for you: these are all signs of a man who is absolutely starving for affirmation.

My research has shown that being grumpy and withdrawn are two specific indicators of a man who is feeling unappreciated at home. If this is the case, my bet is that your husband is just itching to hear some positive affirmation from you about the things he is doing right!

I realize it might sound odd to hear that feeling unappreciated can lead to grumpiness, but keep this in mind: men and women are two totally different creatures. As women, we love to feel loved and know that our man adores and cherishes us. We light up when we hear him say, “I love you.” But he’s a very different person.

Instead of just hearing your undying affection, your man needs to see and hear that you notice what he does well. In other words: rather than hearing you correct him. Rather than hearing all the “helpful” advice you have about how he could have gotten the DVD player fixed more quickly, and gee, what a shame that we can’t watch a movie tonight as a family. Rather than hearing you mention – yet again – that he should have left work earlier to not have to rush to get Johnny to soccer.

All of which implies that he isn’t doing a good job as man or a husband.

All of which makes him withdrawn. Maybe even grumpy.

Why would a few well-placed corrective comments matter so much to a man? Because he doesn’t doubt whether you love him: he doubts whether he is any good at what he does for you. Inside, your man is crying out: Do I measure up? And more specifically: Does she think I measure up?

You might be skeptical that he’d really have that vulnerability. Trust me, if he’s like the vast majority of men on my surveys: he does. Which means even your most innocuous comments can come across to him as criticism. If he takes the car for a car wash, and you innocently ask, “Honey, why didn’t you fill the tank up while you were there?” you are directly saying “no you don’t measure up” – even if you would never think of it that way!

By criticizing something positive he has done, we are saying the exact opposite of what he’s craving to hear. In fact, we’ve just said the one thing he dreads most: “No, sorry, you don’t measure up; in fact, what you did wasn’t good enough. Fail!” And I can guarantee you that, when a guy feels inadequate and disrespected in that way, he is very likely going to get angry and shut down. And if it happens consistently, he’s going to get grumpy and withdrawn. Because hanging in there and continuing to try – only to be told you still aren’t good enough – is simply too painful.

So, if you are looking for the best way to get your husband to open up and love being with you again, start with this: for a few weeks, stop yourself from saying anything negative to him or about him. Instead, notice something each day that he does well and let him know how much you appreciate it. When he sheepishly confesses that he worked a bit late, and so Johnny was late to soccer again, give your man a big hug and tell him how much you appreciate that he works so hard to support the family – and still takes the time to cheer Johnny on. “It means so much to him that you are there with him at his practices.”

Seriously. Try it. I’ll bet the farm that those seemingly minor comments will have a huge impact on your man. And I can almost guarantee you that with all of that positive affirmation, you will begin seeing a lot less “grumpy” and a lot more “happy” in your hubby. Here’s to better days ahead!

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Mondays series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Women, if your husband is grumpy and withdrawn, try compliments, not complaints appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Don’t freak out when your man handles an argument….like a man

Dear Shaunti:

My husband and I haven’t been married very long, and I am scared about something. We have never fought much, but just had our first horrible argument. I was expecting him to “make up” with a hug or something, but he wouldn’t. Instead, he mumbled something about needing to run errands, grabbed his keys, and took off! When he came back, I was so angry, hurt, and confused over his leaving in the first place, it set off another huge argument. Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 50 years — him running away every time we disagree about something?

-       Scared

Dear Scared,

Your first big fight can be a scary thing – but don’t get so scared that you put your brain on hold! You have probably already realized that jumping on his case the minute he returned was a less-than-effective strategy. What you probably haven’t realized is another less-than-effective strategy: expecting a man to handle things in the way a woman would.

One of the most frustrating and insecure things women go through is when we have an emotional conflict with our man, and we want to talk through it and get some reassurance — but all he wants is to get some space to process things. We’re desperate for a hug, and he’s desperate for his man cave.

Here’s the thing you need to know: both are legitimate needs. He’s not wrong to need space any more than you are wrong to need reassurance. And it is so important that neither of you overreact and say it is.

Hint, hint.

This is a generalization, but is true in most cases due to differences in brain wiring: especially when emotions and pressures are running high, a man needs time to think things through before he can talk about it – while a woman wants to think things through by talking about it.

All of which makes me certain God has a sense of humor.

And He probably also wants to be sure we learn to have grace with each other.

Here’s a detail that may help you have that grace with your man, instead of unleashing on him. In my surveys, seven out of ten men said that during a conflict, when emotions are swirling, they have a sort of “deer in the headlights” reaction. Because their brains are wired for deep one-thing-at-a-time processing, they can’t easily process thoughts and feelings at the same time: as one man put it, “all that emotion furs up the gears.” Men don’t even know what they are thinking yet – much less know how to talk about it! They are upset, confused, and frustrated that they “can’t keep up” with our desire to talk it out. So they feel a desperate need to get some distance in order to figure things out. Like jumping in the car and driving around the neighborhood once. Or ten times.

Of course, as your story shows, most of us women view that “distance” as uncaring withdrawal. But in most cases it is not that at all. Your husband probably cares deeply about you. He isn’t escaping because he doesn’t care, wants to avoid issues, or purposefully wants to leave you hanging when you are in the most pain. Instead, he knows if he’s ever going to figure out what he’s thinking and feeling and work through his anger in a healthy way (rather than saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment), he has to get time to process it all.

So the next time an argument explodes and you desperately want him to talk it through on the spot, in detail, if he just can’t, have grace with him. Ask: “Would it help if we wait until tomorrow to talk about this?” If you can take a deep breath and do that, you will not only see a far better reaction from him– he’ll be far more able to listen when you explain your need to hear “we’re okay”… and give you the reassurance you so desperately need.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Don’t freak out when your man handles an argument….like a man appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Getting “The Call” – That My Father Had a Stroke In Singapore

….Written from a hospital in Singapore…

Jeff and I had just finished three days of speaking at the amazing HIM conference in Hawaii, had had a restful night sleep, a leisurely breakfast, and were just about to start our mini-two day vacation around beautiful Oahu. It was Sunday morning of March 22, and we were packing our satchel with everything we’d need for a day on the North Shore, when my phone rang.

It was my brother, calling from Singapore, where he lives – and where my parents had arrived for a visit two days before. Weird, I thought, it is 2:00 in the morning there.

That’s when I got that feeling.

You know the one. Where your stomach drops out and you feel a catch in your breathing.

“Shaun,” my brother said, “It looks like Dad is having a stroke.” He had woken up in the night at my brother’s home, and then was suddenly unable to speak and completely paralyzed on his left side; he had had, they found later, a massive “hyper-acute” stroke due to a blood clot in the main right artery to the brain. My mother yelled for help they rushed him to the hospital.

The next few hours were a blur; I emailed my staff, friends and prayer team and urgently asked for prayer. My healthy 72-year-old father and mother had been living a vigorous life in the mountains in Virginia and were months away from their 50th wedding anniversary.

Please, God. Please heal my dad.

It is amazing how much a family emergency puts everything in perspective. Jeff and I had a ton of “big” things on tap for the week ahead: not only our little mini-romantic vacation, but my deadline to turn in my next book after a year of work, some major meetings back home in Atlanta, being at the final big tennis matches of my daughter’s tennis team at school, and my husband’s upcoming annual reunion with some friends from law school.

Suddenly, all that went away, without me hardly noticing.

We instantly started figuring out how to get me to Singapore, originally very thankful that Hawaii is already halfway there! I was so grateful that I would only have a 13-hour flight instead of a 26-hour flight from Atlanta.

So I can hardly describe my sinking feeling when I realized: I didn’t have my passport. It was a Sunday, so there was no way to get an emergency passport or overnight my own from Atlanta.

I didn’t think please, please, please would get me on a plane or past customs in Singapore.

Nothing else to do by fly the 13 hours back to Atlanta, pick up my passport, hug my kids, and catch the next available flight to Singapore.

I finally arrived Singapore in the wee hours of Thursday morning, and at 7 am my brother and I left for the hospital.

I spent the whole day at the hospital Thursday, relieving my mom so she could get some sleep, spending every moment being so grateful that my Dad… is still my Dad. My brother said he knew Dad was okay when – even when he was trying to regain his speech – he was still cracking bad jokes.

And as I write this in the hospital room on Friday afternoon (Singapore time), I keep finding myself tearing up with gratitude for his progress – and for the remarkable perseverance of this amazing man. He’s gotten so much function back on his left side, and can speak, eat and walk. He’s working hard at the exercises to try to retrain his brain to get – for example – full function back in his left hand. He has not been “thrown” by the discovery that although he can read, write and do math, that his brain won’t yet do a simple sequencing puzzle (if you look at a small group of letters and numbers and draw an arrow from A, to 1, to B, what comes next?).

That deficit was hard for me to see, since my dad has always been one of the smartest guys I know; a Ph.D in Economics and about a hundred other credentials. But Dad didn’t let himself get fazed by the cognitive things he can’t yet do. He didn’t get grumpy, or morose. He didn’t go down a road of despair that he simply couldn’t figure out how to do a few of these things he’s always been able to do in about a nanosecond before. Instead, he cracked a few jokes with the Occupational Therapist, and decided to do whatever he could do to get better.

I’m so proud of my dad. I’m so glad I’m here. I miss my husband and kids, but this is where I need to be this week. Praying for complete, full, healing – and learning from one of the most amazing people I know.

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Husbands, reassure your wife

Tip #50: Husbands, when you are angry or upset with your wife and need to get some space, reassure her that “We’re okay” before you pull away – and give her a hug when you come back.

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There is one fairly simple thing you as a guy can do that will dramatically increase your wife’s happiness and security in marriage: when you are displeased with her, reassure her that you love her before you pull away to get some space.

I know you think that shouldn’t be necessary! Of course she knows I love her, you think to yourself, we’re just arguing and I’m just upset, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love her!

But there is something you need to know about women. And this truth will, I hope, suddenly make sense of this confusion – and give you a good insight into what to do — the next time you two are at odds.

You see, when you said, “I do,” you thought the deal was closed. In all likelihood, the question “Does she love me?” has never again crossed your mind. But according to our nationally-representative surveys of women, your wife probably sees things completely differently. The vast majority of women (somewhere in the 80-90 percent range), secretly wonder things like, Am I lovable? And in marriage, that translates to Does he really love me? Would he choose me all over again?

So you see, for her, her “I do” will probably always mean “Do you?”

Yes, she probably knows with her mind that you love her, but sometimes her feelings need to be convinced. She is more vulnerable than you ever realized to doubting whether she is loveable and loved. Conflict, your withdrawal, even your silence can trigger those feelings – and they are painful. As one strong, confident woman ruefully told us in our research for For Men Only, “I know it is not the most modern, liberated thing, but some very desperate feelings arise when I feel like he is displeased with me.”

And those desperate feelings may lead to some words and actions that may be… um… counterproductive to peace in the home. But it is entirely because she needs to be reassured of your love. In eight out of ten women, when something’s not right between her and her man, it is difficult or impossible for them to get it off her mind. As several women put it, “When we’re at odds, nothing is right with the world until the issue is resolved.”

The good news is that, now that you know this, the simple solution is to reassure her. Words like, “I’m angry and I need some space… but honey, I want you to know that we’re okay.” Actions like a quick hug when you come back from getting that space, to show that you’re working things through and still there. A quick reconnection a few hours later that says you’re done working things through and you’re sorry for the conflict – whatever those words and actions are, they may seem minor to you, but they are priceless to her. Trust me on this, guys: P-R-I-C-E-L-E-S-S.

In fact, do those actions and words of reassurance each time you have conflict or are upset… and I’ll bet you’ll find a really welcome pattern emerging. You’ll be so good at making her feel secure, that you’ll find the conflict arising a lot less often.

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Negative wife? Here’s how to stop the cycle!

My wife and I are making a concerted effort to improve our marriage. Although she is a wonderful woman and a great mother, it drives me crazy at how negative she’s become over 12 years together. She is often critical about the most insignificant things. I didn’t pick the right pajamas for the kids. I didn’t separate the laundry colors properly. This really bothers me, but jumping all over her for it won’t win me any points or strengthen our relationship right now. Yet how can we improve our marriage while she’s like this?

-Tired of Negative

Dear Tired,

Ironically, you’re being negative about her negativity! And I totally get it – in my women’s books and conferences I constantly hammer women to ruthlessly avoid criticism and negative words because it is so painful for any spouse… but especially for men!

And since you said your wife is a “wonderful woman and a great mother,” my guess is that she’s not a mean person; she simply doesn’t see how painful her negative words are for you. Or doesn’t see them as negative at all.

If you want to improve your marriage, you cannot depend on her to change. In fact, to break the cycle you will have to try the same no-negativity approach with her that you’d wish she had with you. And in order to control the way you respond to what she says, you’ll have to control how you think about it as well.

How do you do that?

Well, it turns out it is a habit of mind. A habit, by the way, that we can apply to any fault in our spouse that is driving us nuts. Because it can be quite impossible to simply “ignore” something that bothers you that much.

As nationally-respected therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma put it in a recent interview, “When you’re trying to work through a very real concern, the more you try NOT to focus on something, the more power you give it.”

I recently asked him how he helped couples address any such situation. If “not focusing on something” doesn’t work, what does? I think his method is invaluable, and you can use it to break your cycle. As he explained:

 For example, I look at the couple dealing with an affair. Telling them not to think about this big, obvious, overwhelming thing would be counterproductive — because then it becomes hard NOT to think about it. It is like trying to NOT think about the pink elephant in the room.

Instead, I tell the couple, “When we want to think about the pink elephant, what if we picture a grey African elephant on the savanna instead?”

He then asks them to picture how an African elephant would look … how its tough hide might sound as it brushed through the grass… how it might have a baby trotting alongside. And then he asks the couple if they can picture it. They always say yes. And thinking about the grey African elephant – something healthy, something functioning the way it is supposed to – has taken their minds completely off of the overwhelming pink-elephant thoughts that were consuming them a moment before.

In the same way, I don’t think you can force yourself to just ignore your wife’s negative words – they are there and real and painful to you. Your concern about them is like the pink elephant in the room. But you can choose to instead focus on the things that are healthy, that are functioning the way they are supposed to. For example, when your wife says you didn’t sort of the laundry properly, think about the fact that she does so many of the household chores and the last few things she did to take care of you. And remind yourself that she appreciates you and truly doesn’t realize how she sounds.

This is one way of – to paraphrase the Bible – thinking about what is worthy of praise, rather than what is worthy of driving you crazy. Your concerns haven’t vanished –they are still something that will need to be addressed – but they won’t have the power over you any more. It will be so much easier for you to respond well, and lovingly. And as your wife feels unconditionally loved and appreciated, as your marriage improves, she is far more likely to be willing to hear what you have to say, when the time comes.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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