Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 67

When you’re seeing the negative in your spouse, avoid people who pile on – and spend time with encouragers instead

Tip #54: When you’re seeing the negative in your spouse, avoid people who pile on – and spend time with encouragers instead

While I was in the middle of my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages I ran across an old friend who was in a difficult place with her husband of 20 years. He was a great guy in many ways, but had become depressed and withdrawn following a series of job difficulties, costly mistakes, and a season of long hours with demanding clients. I could see the tears in my friend’s eyes as she recounted that he had also become irritable, unpleasant, and was now snapping at her for the littlest of things.

“And then yesterday,” she said, “the three amigas started in on him again, and –“

“Wait, who?” I interrupted.

“That’s what I call my three best girlfriends from college. We were all on the tennis team together, live a few miles from each other, and have coffee at least twice a month. I love these girls, but–” The tears welled up in her eyes again, “I think I’m going to have to stop seeing them for a while. At least until things are back on solid ground with Daniel. They tend to be negative and snippy anyway. And right now they are just so indignant on my behalf and so mad at Daniel, that I come back from every coffee with them ready to light into him. Which doesn’t help. I already know the bad things he’s doing right now that he needs to work on. I need someone to remind me of the good things.”

As I listened to her, I thought to myself It’s not fair… but she’s right.

What I was finding in my research at the time had woken me up to a very simple, important truth: If you hang out with those who encourage you in your marriage, you’ll be encouraged. If you hang out with those who freely share their dissatisfaction, you’ll find yourself becoming more and more dissatisfied. And ironically, it becomes especially important to hang out with encouragers when there is a legitimate reason for dissatisfaction!

Many of those in the happiest marriages had once been in difficult places, and when I traced the primary reasons for the turnaround, a key pattern emerged: they spent time with mentors, friends, therapists, and family members who provided a shoulder to cry on – but didn’t let it end with the crying. In addition to empathy, these folks provided perspective. They helped establish boundaries and work on problems, but they looked for the positive. And they always supported the marriage –not just the person.

When we have that legitimate reason for dissatisfaction, when we see the real negatives in our spouse, it becomes crucial to avoid those well-intentioned folks in our lives who will simply pile on with the “yeah, he’s a bum” or “she just doesn’t appreciate you” – and instead find and stick like glue to those who will encourage the marriage.

As I listened to my friend explain that she was going to put the monthly coffees on hold for a while, find a good counselor, and spend more time with family members who would help with the hard stuff but in a supportive way, I was so proud of her for her willingness to avoid the tempting road to dissatisfaction. That road that surely felt so good, because of being surrounded by those who were patting her on the back and cheering on her negative mental narrative. Instead, she was turning her back on that option and choosing a much more difficult path – but one that was much more likely to lead to a good result in the end.

It took about a year, but my friend’s marriage was eventually transformed. They made some important changes, and because she was handling it supportively, her husband knew she had his back. And his heart eventually softened. Today, their relationship is closer than ever – and I just heard that they have stepped into a mentoring program for couples at their church. Coming alongside others who need a shoulder to cry on –and encouraging support along with it.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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How Do I Cope With My Super-Sensitive Husband?

Dear Shaunti:

My husband is great at many things, but sometimes he struggles with getting a new task accomplished.  Like, he’s great at carpentry, but it might take him two or three days to figure out how to create a new type of bookcase I want for the kids’ bedroom.  But when I offer an opinion or suggest a solution, he goes ballistic. Why is he so sensitive? I’m just trying to  help  and he acts like I’m trying to stick a pin in his eye.  Am I supposed to just shut up and quit offering my input when I think there’s a better way to do something?  What happened to being equal partners?

– Walking On Eggshells

Dear Eggshells,

Part of being equal partners means getting in tune with how each other think: and right now, you’re way off key.  It will help you a lot to understand how men think — which, admittedly, can seem really weird at times.

When I started researching men, one of the things that most surprised me is how important it is for a man to feel that his wife trusts, appreciates, and respects him — and how surprisingly easy it is for him to feel that she doesn’t!  See, “super sensitive” is just code for “secretly insecure”.  A guy has a lot of hidden self-doubt.  He desperately wants to be a great husband who can meet your needs, be your hero and make you proud –but he worries that he’s not up to the task. Or, even worse, that you will see that he’s not up to the task.

In so many cases, when a man is trying to get something done, the issue is not really about the problem he’s trying to solve, it’s about whether you think he’s adequate to solve it.

Let’s say the two of you are late for an important dinner, he’s driving, you’re lost, the GPS was wrong, and he doesn’t want to stop to ask for directions.

For him, trying to find his way is not just an adventure; it is a test.  A test of whether he is capable to figure it out on his own. He wants to be the hero who is going to get his lady to that dinner on time. He wants to be a success in your eyes. So when you tell him he needs to stop and ask some other guy for directions, you’ve just told him he’s a failure. That he’s inadequate.

Now here is where we women think men are way too sensitive.  We’re not calling our man a failure – we’re just being efficiency experts, right?  But we also might think, Okay, so he feels inadequate.  But at least we got there on time.  What’s the big deal?

Actually, it is a big deal.

See, for most of us as women, feeling inadequate is unpleasant. For most men it is excruciating.  It hurts more than anything else ever can – especially when he feels like he’s inadequate for you.

My husband Jeff explained it to me this way:

It’s easy for a woman to say, ‘Oh, he’s being too sensitive.’ Maybe she’s right, but that’s because a guy has a deep doubt that he knows what he’s doing — and therefore a deep need to know that the person who knows him best is going to choose to believe in him, regardless.

Aren’t there things women are insecure and ultra-sensitive about, too? Would a woman like it if her husband teased her about gaining 10 pounds? Everyone is ultra-sensitive about something that touches on a deep insecurity.

So what’s a woman to do?  As one woman asked at a conference where I was speaking: “So, then, what do you say when your husband is driving around in circles? ‘I’m proud of you’?”

Everyone in the room had a good laugh over that one, me included.  But here’s how I answered:

When a man is trying to accomplish anything (whether that’s building bookcases or trying to get somewhere on time), it makes all the difference if you ask yourself one question: What matters most in this situation? Is it A) that this thing gets accomplished, and does so in the way I think best?  Or is it B) meeting my man’s deepest emotional need, avoiding hurt to him, and preserving the relationship? 

In most cases – although certainly not all – when you look at it that way there’s no contest.  You may not say “I’m so proud of you” when he’s driving in circles (!) but perhaps you force yourself to remain silent. Perhaps you force yourself to trust that he is not an idiot and that because he is excruciatingly aware of the time ticking away and is anxious not to fail you, that he will come up with a solution.

And if you find yourself in that rare situation where getting the thing accomplished, and accomplished in your way, it is worth the hurt to the relationship, just remember: what matters most is not what you say but how you say it.  The men I interviewed said it felt very different if you explained your worry instead of ordering him to pull over. (“Honey, I’m beginning to get nervous that we might be late. Normally, I’d be okay if we drove a bit longer, but since this is a huge meeting would you mind if we stopped and I asked for directions?”)

Although your man is indeed sensitive inside, realize it is because he deeply wants to be your hero.  So find ways to show him that you think he is the strong and competent man he wants to be!  And if you do, you’ll see that sensitivity arising a lot less often.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Mother’s Day Prayers From Shaunti’s kids

Shaunti is sharing part of her special, private family life with you, her readers, today. These are the prayers her kids wrote and gave her on Mother’s Day.

From Shaunti’s 15-year-old daughter:

Thank you so much for loving me and caring for me. Thank you for praying for me every night before I go to bed, so here’s my prayer for you:

I pray that you know how much I love you and want you to be happy. I pray that your eye heals permanently without any other complications. I pray that you know how much I miss you when you are gone, but also how much I appreciate it. I know that you have to go sometimes and the only way you can is because you love us so much. Thank you so much, and I pray that you know that.

From Shaunti’s 12-year-old son:

I pray that you know how much I appreciate all that you do for me, like praying for me when I’m sick, making me dinner, washing my clothes, watching movies with me, talking dad into getting the cats. I pray that you will always be safe when you travel. I pray that your eye heals really quick. I pray that your daddy will be safe, fully healed and that he’ll have feeling in his left hand. I pray that I will always make you happy and laugh.

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Should I Pray For God to Make Me More … Um … Amorous?

Dear Shaunti,

Since sex is so important to my husband, and since you say it’s really about a man feeling desired by his wife, what can I do to get engaged and interested instead of just “accommodating” him? I know that just “going along with it” would be pretty depressing for him. But to be honest, I don’t feel that same type of desire for him, that he apparently feels for me.  Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy it when we’re together. I just don’t have this overwhelming need to “go at it” the same way he does. Should I just pray for God to give me that desire?  Or what?

— Bemused in the bedroom

Dear Bemused –

At a church women’s retreat I did recently, I overheard a woman talking about this exact topic with a friend. You see, in one session on understanding men I had briefly touched on the sex topic.  I knew the married men would be very motivated for their wives to understand their longing in this area! I didn’t have a lot of time for detail, but simply shared the same thing you referenced: that for most men physical intimacy is not primarily a physical need but an emotional one.  If a man feels that his wife desires him, he has confidence in the other areas of life; if not, he can often feel a bit depressed.

Well, when the women at this retreat got into discussion groups, they apparently spent a lot more time talking about it among themselves than I did from the stage!  And as I listened to them processing it afterward, I overheard one very blunt woman tell her friend, in all sincerity, “I know it is important for my husband, so I guess I just need to pray for God to make me horny.”

I just about spit out my Diet Coke when I heard that.

But …I also heard the heart behind it.  What this sweet woman was saying, essentially, was “Well, I don’t feel the same type of desire as my husband does, so I need to pray that God will make me feel that way.”

So is that the answer?  Certainly, there’s nothing wrong with praying that, and I would say: go for it!  But there’s another way you should probably “go for it” as well.

In many cases – not just sex, but many areas of life — I’ve noticed that when we don’t necessarily feel like doing something, God doesn’t always change our feelings so we can do it.  Instead, he asks us to do something even if we don’t feel like it…and then our feelings will follow.

You can probably see what the application is for the bedroom.  And it turns out there’s actually some fascinating science here as well.

Essentially, I’ve seen in the research with both men and women that if a spouse with a lower libido will make a habit of purposefully thinking about sex, planning for it, and then actually hopping into bed with a good attitude, not only do they usually enjoy it, but it becomes something they actually want more and more.

Sometimes you’ve got to act a certain way and trust your feelings to follow.

And over the past decade, scientists have discovered some important truths about how this applies to sex in particular.

Here’s a quick primer. As you probably know, testosterone is the main hormone that makes someone want sex.  Men have far more testosterone than women, which is the main reason that, on the whole, men are far more likely than women to think about sex and feel that type of “desire” we’ve been talking about.  Now, of course, some women have higher libido, and some men have lower libido – and those patterns, too, are tied to their individual amounts of testosterone.

Well, it turns out, being regularly sexually stimulated (at least once a week) actually raises testosterone levels, while forgoing sex for a week or more will cause testosterone levels to drop.  So forgoing sex becomes a vicious cycle – you have less sex, so you want less sex.  But when you “go for it” and decide to regularly engage with your spouse in that way, your testosterone levels will likely rise and you will begin to want sex more.

In other words: yes, pray for more desire!  But realize that when you act as if you already had that desire, the way God has wired our bodies to respond may actually be the answer to that prayer!

This article first appeared at Patheos.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

The post Should I Pray For God to Make Me More … Um … Amorous? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Prayer need: Eye surgery tomorrow

Hi friends, colleagues, and prayer partners: I’m having that outpatient eye surgery at 8 am ET tomorrow, and would sure love your prayers for not only the procedure itself but – just as important – a successful recovery during my eye heals properly and with NO PAIN.

As many of you know, my eye injury in January healed but it didn’t quite heal right. If we don’t fix it, it will risk tearing the cornea again and again. (Essentially, the top layer of the cornea isn’t sticking to the other layers, and a couple of times overnight it stuck to my eyelid … so when I opened my eyes in the morning it took the top layer of the cornea with it. ‘Ouch’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. I can’t risk that happening in a hotel somewhere far from medical help, or right before I’m supposed to speak.)

Tomorrow morning the doctor (a cornea specialist) will scrape off the top layer of my cornea again, so it will heal properly. I’ll have about a 3-5 day recovery, the first half of which I will not be able to open my eyes and will be essentially blind. (Quite the unique experience!) As I have told some of you before (someone made a crack about “only Shaunti would know the statistics on this!”) 97% of the time this procedure is successful and the problem never recurs! Yay! But it is also usually very painful (just like the original injury) so I’ve battled with a wee bit of fear. At this point, though, I’m just SO grateful for the miracle of modern medicine… and the fact that God hears our prayers. I’m trusting His work the next few days, and for this to be all over and done with very soon!

I’d sure appreciate your prayers these next few days, for a quick, successful, and pain-free recovery!

Thanks, friends!

-Shaunti

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How Often Do Men Need to Have Sex?

Dear Shaunti,

You’re the researcher, so please tell me the real answer: How often do guys need to have sex?  I just don’t think about sex much; I guess it isn’t a need for me.  But my husband says he thinks about it all the time, and he gets crabby that I’m often too tired.  Even though I can go weeks or months and not miss it, since he can’t, I try to do the right thing.  But oddly, even though he says he’s “deprived”, when I tell him “okay” that just makes him mad.  He says he wants me to want it like he does.  I feel like I can’t win. But if I knew how often a man needs sex I could plan on that, and hopefully that would help.

— Not Feeling Frisky

Dear Not Feeling Frisky,

How would you feel if you told your husband, “I need to hear you say ‘I love you’,” and he heaved a big sigh and said, “Okay, I’ll try to say it.  But how often do you need to hear it?  Is once a week okay?  Whatever it is, tell me, and I’ll plan on that.”

My guess is, you’d be really hurt. You’d be thinking, He supposedly loves me, but he has to force himself to dredge up the willpower to show me love?  Maybe he doesn’t really love me like he says he does.

You wouldn’t be hurt because he didn’t say “I love you” enough times.  You’d be hurt because of what it implied.  Maybe it means he doesn’t care about you. Maybe, you might think, it means you really aren’t even all that lovable.

Sex works the exact same way for most men.  In the research, there seems to be no one standard amount of sex that men “need” to have; it is what sex signals to them that is important.  Your sexual actions signal: I desire you; You are desirable; I want to be with you in that way; You make me feel amazing; I want to show you how much I care about you; and on and on.

We women think of sex as being primarily a physical need for a man: but it isn’t.  One of a man’s deepest emotional needs is to feel that his wife desires him.  And if he sees that his wife desires him, it gives him a sense of well-being in all the other areas of his life.  But if she shows <big sigh> “Okay, fine, let’s get this over with,” then it is clear to him that she doesn’t desire him, he’s no good at trying to make her feel amazing, he must be completely undesirable… and that she doesn’t really care about him the way she says she does.

In the research with men and women, it was very clear that most women (although certainly not all) simply have a different type of desire than men. We need to be approached differently. Most women simply don’t think about sex as often as men do.

But let’s look at that “I love you” parallel for a moment.  The research was just as clear that men love their wives but simply don’t think about saying words of love as often as a woman might want, either.  Yet we rightly expect that men be purposeful about developing new habits of showing love.  We rightly expect them to learn how to do that, and do it enthusiastically (rather than under compulsion), because it is so emotionally important to us as women.

The same thing can be said of sex.  Now, yes, there are sometimes physical or emotional things that get in the way, and if that is true of you, please seek out professional help to address those issues.  But for many women, we just don’t realize how important it is to be purposeful about developing new habits of showing our husbands love in this way; of learning how to do it, and doing it enthusiastically because it is so emotionally important to our men.

Some women who just don’t think about sex and risk being too tired for it, have learned that one great solution is to schedule sex dates.  One woman I interviewed said that no matter what else was going on in their lives, and no matter what other times they might have sex, she and her husband always made time for intimacy on Sunday nights.  Although it didn’t fit the Hollywood ideal of tumbling into bed spontaneously, she discovered that in the real world, this was something that “got her thinking about it,” and she came to truly love that time together.  And so did her husband!

Although the average appears to be a few times a week, there is no one “right amount” of sex that men need. Instead, the one constant is his emotional need to feel that you desire him.  Find ways to show that, and you’ll probably see more love coming from him to you, too!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Men, When Your Wife Worries Give Her Your Understanding, Not Your Frustration

Tip 53: Men, When Your Wife Worries Give Her Your Understanding, Not Your Frustration

Guys, I know this is a huge shocker, but…. women’s brains are wired differently than men’s. I know there are times when you as a husband probably feel completely baffled by your wife’s thoughts and actions. One man recently shared with me that he didn’t understand why his wife worried so much about all sorts of things; it made him feel like she didn’t trust him.

If this sounds familiar, let me give you a peek into your wife’s likely way of thinking.

This is not a very pleasant picture, but imagine dropping a dozen spiders onto the floor and watching them scatter in every direction. You could probably catch and squash three or four of them, but by the time you’ve chased those down, the others have found nooks and crannies to hide in. That is what we women feel like when something is bothering us. And whether we can catch and squash all our worries has nothing to do with whether or not we trust our husbands! It is primarily a function of brain wiring. Your male brain wiring allows you to just not think about something that is bothering you. The female brain wiring makes that much more difficult. Until we do something about them, those spiders are there.

Not every woman is like that, but according to our surveys most of us are. Our thoughts start scurrying in multiple directions – including that small chance of something going wrong and affecting someone we love.

For example, let’s say you’re wondering why your wife is so worried about your security on your upcoming business trip to Mexico, instead of trusting that your company surely has a good process in place. Now, she could have merely started out with a basic concern about you being tired for your big presentation, since you’ve put in some long hours, have difficulty sleeping on planes, and are going to have to hit the ground running. But then her brain might jump to “How is he going to get to the meeting? A taxi?” Then, “But wait…are the taxis there even safe?” She remembers all the news about the kidnappings of Westerners by the drug cartels, and suddenly she’s asking you seemingly strange questions about how taxi cabs are dispatched in Mexico.

Although women can and do learn to stop themselves from going down some of these crazy trains of thought —at least the worst ones — some of the worries remain until your wife can both talk to you about her worries and take some action to resolve them.

In other words: she can either do nothing and just live with those worry-spiders scuttling around in her brain, or she can share them with you and take action to get relief — and that’s where you come in.

Our research shows that it will make your wife feel very loved when you listen, don’t make her feel foolish for having the worry, and even take some form of action to help settle her mind – or encourage her to do so. In the case of your hypothetical business trip, for example, instead of rolling your eyes (figuratively, of course!) or saying “Honey, it will be fine; my colleagues who’ve gone have never had problems,” you could say, “Would it help to put you in touch with our travel agency? I honestly don’t know the answers about security stuff, but they do, and I’m curious, too.”

Little things like not only give her some resolution — they make her feel loved and supported. And when you help her take those actions, it means even more. It tells her you are there for her.

Yes, we women can and do learn to live with uncertainty. But we want the men we love to recognize that those times of worry are when we most need your understanding rather than your frustration. That is when we see that you are choosing to care about what matters to us – and that is a signal of love that shouts far more loudly in our mind than any worry ever will.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

 

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When State Says Pot is OK, How Do I Convince My Child It Isn’t?

Dear Shaunti,

We live in Colorado, where pot is now visible on every corner. For my teenagers, seeing someone smoking pot is as now as commonplace as seeing someone smoking cigarettes; it’s viewed as a harmless pastime. But it isn’t harmless, and I don’t want my kids to be enticed by drugs. My husband and I have even considered moving to another state. How am I supposed to keep my kids from becoming pot-heads when they are surrounded by them?

Sincerely,

Weed-Worrier

Dear Weed-Worrier:

The problem is: moving to another state won’t prevent your kids from being surrounded by those temptations – or any others. Pot is easy enough to find anywhere.

So the question you’re really asking is: how do we as parents get our kids to recognize for themselves that drug use is dangerous and something to avoid at all costs? More broadly, how do we instill discernment and values in our children on any issue—especially when those values go against everything they are seeing in our culture?

As the mom of a 12 and 15 year old, I’m asking those questions too.

But I’ve also asked those questions of several thousand teenagers in the research, so let me share what they have said. And by the way, since I’m not a specialist in the drug-use arena, let me urge you: if you suspect a child already has a problem, consult a specialist right away! But from the “prevention” side of things, here’s what the teens told me about all this.

First, teenagers are very aware that no matter what you might say, they can figure out how to do whatever they decide to do. And this is sobering, but two-thirds said they would go ahead and do it, even if they knew their parents would disapprove. (The exceptions, interestingly, were those teens for whom a strong faith was more a part of their life. For example, two-thirds of those attending private protestant Christian schools said they would stop themselves if they knew their parents wouldn’t approve.)

Even when the choice deals with drugs, their decision isn’t really about the drugs. It is about freedom. So to help them handle the temptation of drugs (or anything else), you have to help them handle freedom.

See, most teenagers are absolutely driven by a quest to run their own lives, make their own decisions, be friends with whom they want, eat what they want, stay up as late as they want, drive where they want at the speed they want… and decide for themselves whether drugs are something they want. In other words: the freedom to do what they want to do.

Ironically, for a teenager, the feeling of freedom actually functions like a drug! It is intoxicating. It is addictive. They want more and more of it and will do almost anything to avoid losing it. The difference, of course, is that unlike an actual drug, the quest for freedom ultimately is a healthy one; something we have to help our kids learn how to handle well.

Which leads to the second thing the teens told me: despite their straining for freedom… they know that they are not ready to fully have it yet. On the anonymous survey, 77% of teens said they secretly want a parent to enforce boundaries. They want to know what is morally important to their parents and the family.

But at this age they also want to be brought into the conversation about those things. For example, to have a say in how those rules work and are enforced; some parents even work with their kids to come up with appropriate consequences for infractions.

Above all, the kids said they wanted to be able to be open with their parents while they are exploring what they think about those things they’ve always been told – and if they could, they were far more likely to accept it for themselves.

So talk to your teens about the dangers of drug use and consequences that accompany it. Have clear rules that you enforce. But to help them think through their beliefs about drug use or any other issue…. you’ll need to let them! Which means you’ll need to allow them to spout off about their evolving thoughts, without shutting them down.

For example, if they start to say “Maybe drugs should be legal; I mean pot isn’t much worse than cigarettes!” Don’t freak out. Calmly listen, acknowledge, and share your own beliefs. “I hear you. And lots of people do think that. But here’s why we disagree. Cigarettes don’t seem to be a gateway to other hard drug use, do they? Pot is much more likely to lead to hard drug use down the road. What do you think about that?”

Your teens are likely asking a lot of questions on these subjects and seeking guidance from friends and outsiders. But you want them to be talking to you. In the long run, your efforts to engage as they process their beliefs will do far more for them than moving to another state ever could.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and teens, including For Women Only, For Men Only, and For Parents Only. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Eye Update – Upcoming Surgery

Hi everyone! Some of you have been asking how my eye is doing. (You may remember I managed to tear my cornea in January. Not my most shining moment!)

Here’s the deal. Although my eye is healed, it didn’t heal properly. The top layer of the cornea isn’t adhering well to the other layers, so when I am a bit dehydrated (eg, on an airplane flight) or have my eyes closed for a long period (eg, overnight) the top layer of the cornea sometimes sticks to the underside of my eyelid and when I open my eyes it pulls it away. Ouch. More than ouch, actually. It has happened a few times and is excruciating and debilitating –and I cannot afford that to happen in a hotel somewhere, away from medical help, and before I am supposed to speak.

So it looks like I will need to have a bit of eye surgery to scrape off the top layer of the cornea again and let it heal properly. (Yeah, makes me shudder too, to be honest!) It took me a while to come to terms with needing to do this because it means I have to go through being blind and in pain again for 3-5 days, and then all the healing process again. But now I am at peace and just so thankful that this medical technology exists to hopefully solve the problem once and for all! (This procedure solves it in 97% of cases.)

Right now, the procedure is tentatively scheduled for 8am, May 6, and I will be out of commission for a week, but my great team will keep posting content on social media, and so on, and will definitely post an update on how I am doing. I will send another update as we get closer!

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Tired of the conflict and distance? Spend more time together instead of less.

Dear Shaunti,

I work a lot of hours, and when I’m at home, I don’t want conflict.   Problem is, we’ve had a lot of conflict recently – we’re both stressed by some extra medical bills and headaches with our kids – and it seems a whole lot better to me to try to avoid it.  We both have good, supportive friends we can turn to, so when things get tense, I tell my wife I’m going to play a bit of pool at Justin’s house or watch the game at John’s place.  Only now my wife is getting on my case about me doing that.   I would tell her that Justin is a whole lot more fun to hang out with these days, but I’m smart enough to know that wouldn’t exactly help.  But what is going to help?  What can I do to stop this cycle?

-Out of Ideas

Dear Out of Ideas,

Without intending to, you’re causing the very problem you want to avoid.  Although pulling away from your wife to avoid conflict might seem like a wise move, it is actually the last thing you want to do.  Why?  Because it means you will be feeling more and more distant from your wife just when you most need to draw on a sense of closeness, camaraderie and trust in order to get through this tough patch.

Here’s a comparison that might help.  Imagine you and your buddy Justin had some sort of a significant difference of opinion or hurt feelings about something.  Now imagine that you and a distant acquaintance had the same sort of problem.  Would you be more likely to be able to resolve the conflict with Justin?  Or with the acquaintance?

You probably said Justin.  Because both of you would be motivated to solve it and do the work to do so, since you are close friends.

Well, marriage is supposed to be the tightest friendship of all.

At the most basic level, our spouse should be our best friend. And by far the best way to create a close relationship with anyone is to spend time around each other often.  Anyone who has had a close friend move away knows that is true. When you spend time apart, your friendship isn’t as close and intimate as it was before. It’s the same in marriage. In fact, in our research with the happiest couples, 83 percent said they made an effort to hang out with each other a lot, even through the times of conflict – which kept their friendship strong and made resolving conflict far more possible.

By contrast, by escaping the conflict you are not only escaping your wife and diminishing the friendship between you, but you are making yourself vulnerable to the subtle but poisonous temptation to spend more time with your friends than your wife.  Quite the recipe for disaster.

So instead, find ways to spend time together.  You don’t have to schedule candlelight dinners every night and stare deeply into each others’ eyes. (I mean, seriously?) But make an effort to do informal stuff like just sitting and having your morning coffee, working a crossword, or just running to the store together.  The key is the word “together.”

One noted counselor told me that she prescribes troubled couples just one simple action that – in most cases – leads to dramatically different results over time: To spend at least 30 minutes each night, talking and hanging out, with no negativity.   After a week or two, the couple begins to remember why they married each other – they enjoy each other again.  And that rebirth in their friendship changes everything.

It can change everything for you, too.  You may still need to take some time away from conflict to process things, but don’t escape to a friend’s house.  At least for now.  Instead, come back to talk with your wife as soon as possible.  By doing so you will show her that she is your closest friend and that the friendship between the two of you is worth fighting for.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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