Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 66

My newest baby has been delivered!

Look what just arrived in the mail! My newest baby has been delivered! Through A Man’s Eyes will be in stores July 21, but we just got a few advance copies. So thrilled to see it. And congrats to my co-author on this book, Craig Gross, as well!

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I trusted him and he disappointed me

Dear Shaunti,

You and a lot of others talk about how much men need to feel respected and trusted.  So I trusted him.  And it blew up in my face.  My husband, Hank, and I own a travel business.  I am organized and like things done a certain way – and that way usually works.   And Hank is a very competent guy, but since he’s pretty checked out these days I have no choice but to run things. But last month in marriage counseling, our pastor said my husband was checked out because I “run all over him” and I needed to trust him more.   I apologized, and told Hank I wouldn’t get in the way of a particular initiative he wanted to try, that I thought was a mistake.  And indeed it hasn’t worked; it is losing money so far.  Hank thinks we’ll see a turnaround soon and wants to keep it going for a few more weeks.  How can I trust him this time, when I trusted him with it in the first place and got burned?

-Disgruntled

Dear Disgruntled,

The problem is: you didn’t actually trust him.  You thought he was wrong, told him he was wrong, but said you wouldn’t prohibit him from trying something he wanted to try for a change.  And then at the first sign of trouble, you’re ready to take over and drop the hammer on him.  Is it any wonder the guy is checked out?

Let me put it purely in business terms for just a minute, even though this is both your business and your marriage.  Suppose you hired a very competent employee to run a certain aspect of the business, but you didn’t actually let him run it; at every step you second-guessed how he did things, and whether he should do such-and-such.  Suppose the employee then tried to resign, saying he simply didn’t want to work for someone who would micromanage him, and that you apologized and said you would trust him to run this aspect of the business.  But then the very next thing he tried that didn’t immediately work, you threw up your hands and took over again.  What would the employee do?  He would resign.

What would happen if he wanted to resign but couldn’t, for some reason?  He would probably back off and be passive.  He would let you do your thing.  He wouldn’t make trouble, but he sure wouldn’t make an effort.  It would be too painful to work, and try, only to be constantly smacked down.  He would have learned that you don’t trust him, that you pretty much only trust yourself.

Your husband has learned those same lessons.  But unlike an employee for hire, he’s married to you. He owns the business.   He can’t just resign and walk away.  And he loves you, so he doesn’t want to let bitterness take hold, or push you into accepting his input if you’ll just be angry or unhappy because of it.  So the only solution that preserves his ability to handle the situation with some semblance of equanimity is to back off and let you run the show.

I know nothing about his business abilities, and if he was incompetent or unqualified my answer might be quite different.  But since you say he’s very competent you should seriously consider taking a deep breath and trusting him in the way he’s asking you to.  Ideally, you’ll see even more reasons to trust him once you do.  Of course, you could also see the reverse; you could even lose more money than you can afford.  But before you assume that will be the outcome, ask yourself: If he’s actually competent, will he let that happen?  Trusting him doesn’t just mean believing he can handle a business initiative, but trusting him to have your family’s best financial interests firmly in mind.

Now, in a normal business partnership, one business partner routinely asks the other what metrics they intend to use for decisions on when to shut down an unprofitable initiative.  (“If we don’t have 15 people signed up by July 5, we’ll cancel that trip.”)  And if it would make you feel more secure, by all means, do that.  But realize: your husband isn’t just a business partner.  He’s the man you’re married to.  He knows you don’t trust him.  And that is probably really painful to him.  It would probably mean more than you know, for you to actually trust him in this, believing in him enough to let him follow this first initiative through without micromanaging – and without insisting on a rundown of when he will wrap it up.

You will have to think that through, and decide what is best for your marriage, for him, and for you.  But as you step out in this scary new step of actual trust in action, as opposed to just words, I hope you’ll see the benefit that comes from it, and that, eventually, it can become the “new normal” for both of you.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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Ladies, Showing Him That You Want Sex Is More Important Than How Much Sex You Have

Tip #56: Women, signal that you want sex; that is more important than how often you’re having it.

Ladies, although there are certainly exceptions, we know men tend to think about sex more than we do. Most of us do care about intimacy, and we certainly want to fulfill that need for our husbands. But we also get tired, busy, and just don’t think about sex as often. And we may not realize that that this can convey a really discouraging message: You’re not desirable.

We may think we could resolve this if we just knew how often our husbands needed sex, and planned for that amount. But checking sex off our to-do lists misses the point. Because Shaunti Feldhahn.

Complaining kills, but discussion heals

Dear Shaunti,

I know you’re a researcher, but I think most marriage researchers are off the mark. See, I’m a direct person; that’s just how I roll.  And think in marriage it’s important to get things off our chest and let the other person know when they are doing something that bugs us. So I was delighted when I heard about this mathematician, Dr. Hannah Fry, who says complaining leads to strong relationships.  I have always told my husband when I’m mad that he paid the mortgage late or wouldn’t say “no” to his mother.  But it doesn’t work: he never changes. We’re going downhill, even though I’m doing what the “experts” suggest.  I think most research findings are just a bunch of hype. And I’m afraid my husband and I are going to end up in divorce court.

— Honest and Upset

Dear Honest and Upset,

You value honesty, so I’ll be honest with you.  You seem to be basing your ideas of what makes a good marriage off of a sensational headline rather than the research behind it. And you’re using that headline to justify how you want to operate even though it’s not working. Did you even listen to Dr. Fry’s talk?

Wow, that made me feel better, to get that off my chest.  Don’t you feel better now, too?

Wait, you don’t?  You felt I was rude and offensive instead?

Fancy that.

You see, the study that you mention reached some of the same conclusions as my own research (yes, I know you’re not big on research right now, but humor me): it is important to discuss the things that upset you and need attention, rather than stuffing them and thinking that you’re not allowed to say anything.  But there’s a world of difference between that and “complaining”— which can easily degenerate into criticism and contempt.  Those are the factors that will trash any relationship.

It’s all about the approach you take.  If you want a happy relationship, try what the happiest couples actually do – and don’t do.  In our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, we found that 71 percent of the happiest spouses said their mates put effort into being considerate.  When one spouse needed to raise something difficult, he or she was thinking specifically about how not to hurt the other.  These couples respected the power of words to destroy or build up.

In struggling relationships, on the other hand, the couples either didn’t realize or didn’t care that their “honest” words had the potential to hurt the other.  So neither spouse felt their mate was a supportive, safe haven in a stressful, harsh world.

I’m a pretty direct person too.  So in my own life, I’ve realized that when I need to address something with my husband I need ask myself, Would I say this in the same way to a close friend? Or even to a casual acquaintance? If I can’t answer “yes,” then why would I ever say that to the person I love most in the world?

Perhaps you could ask yourself that as well.  We can’t “stuff” irritations that are going to blow up on us later.  But the delivery is just as important as the content if you want to be heard – and heeded.

So don’t keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  Try a different tone.  Like, “Honey, you know I love your mom and I know she appreciates all your help.  But the last few weeks, you’ve done a bunch of projects for her even though you know I’ve been waiting on mine. I know you don’t want to make me feel that you are putting her before me.  How can we do this better?”

When you make it clear that you’re not picking a fight, not trying to condemn, and showing that you believe he does care about you (even though it doesn’t feel like it right now), it will help him really hear what you’re saying.  It may take a while to change habits (both his and yours!), but it opens up the floor for an important discussion and (hopefully) a solution.

One interesting point that your mathematician researcher brought up is that, “An arguing couple spiraling into negativity and teetering on the brink of divorce is actually mathematically equivalent to two countries at the beginning of a nuclear war.”

I would never want to live on a battleground, and I certainly don’t want that for you or your husband. You can’t and shouldn’t ignore real issues.  But by focusing on what should be said and when to say it, and then being kind in what you say and how you deliver it, it really should lead to both an honest and an enjoyable marriage.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Wives: Learn and relate to the man your husband is, not who you think he “should” be.

Tip #55: Wives: Learn and relate to the man your husband is, not who you think he “should” be.

For many of us women, it is easy to carry around a subconscious ideal about what our husband should be doing for us, only to be disappointed when our expectations are unmet, and assume he doesn’t care. Right? Like, “He didn’t take out the trash, so he must not care that keeping the house clean is important to me,” or “If he cared about me, he would pull himself out of his funk and come talk to me.”

Sound familiar?

There’s nothing wrong with sharing our needs, and hoping our husband will meet them. But most men are wired differently than we are, and some things we think should be easy are actually quite difficult for them. But we still want them to learn, and to try.

Well, you know what? Our men have needs, too. They have certain things that are very important to them, too. For example, men deeply need to us notice what they do and say “thank you” without getting defensive or thinking that we’re pandering to their egos. They need us to recognize and appreciate their compulsion to provide. They need us to let them be the dads that they want to be, rather than telling them to parent the way we want them to.

All those things matter so much more than we realize. All those things tell them that we care.

Sure, just as they don’t always meet our needs, we don’t always meet theirs. But for a happy marriage, it is so critical that we try. It is so crucial that we be willing to learn. Just as we hope they are willing to learn.

Even when it is tough, and we want to stand on our rights instead.

I saw a comment on Amazon from a woman who was willing to take that hard step. Our whole team was impressed by this review on the For Women Only page, since it reflects the approach we all should try to have when we encounter a challenging truth:

It was a little hard for me to give this book 5 stars, which means “I love it.” Honestly, I didn’t “love” a great deal of what was in this book…. It’s heartbreaking to read about what you’ve misunderstood your entire marriage, especially if you’ve been married for many years (15 years for me). Every single chapter made me groan, realizing that I’d gotten things very wrong– and how much conflict could’ve been avoided if I’d only known earlier. For me, it’s been like being very nearsighted and then having Lasik surgery– everything is suddenly clear and in focus. And trust me, not everything looks pretty! There were things that I didn’t like reading… However, “ignorance is bliss” does not help a marriage grow and mature. If we want our husbands to understand us and learn how to be better husbands, we’d be wise to take our own medicine. I only wish I’d read this book earlier in my marriage, and saved me and my husband years of frustration and heartache. I look forward to moving forward with clear vision.

Instead of tethering your husband and marriage to the subconscious notion that he should be the one to change but that you are doing just fine, take a step outside of yourself and consider what you don’t know about him. Allow him to fully be himself. Learn what he needs, and show him that you see him for who he really is – and appreciate him for it!

Yes, it can be difficult. Yes, sometimes it can feel like “medicine” to focus on what you can do instead of what he needs to do. But try it, and you will find that it is good medicine. A treatment that is exactly what was needed to restore your marriage to the vibrant health you wanted all along.

Join us next Monday for the next installment in our Marriage Monday series!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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How do I deflate my teenage son’s oversized ego and curb the cockiness?

Dear Shaunti,

I’m a single mom to two teenage boys, and because their dad was an arrogant man I’m highly sensitive to teenage cockiness.  I really want to teach the boys humility.  My 17 year old is fine, but my 15 year old is convinced he’s God’s gift to his school, every girl he meets, and the entire sport of soccer.  It is driving me crazy.  And the worst of it is: he actually is a great student, a charismatic boy, and an unusually gifted goalie.   He works hard, but I feel like I can’t say “good job” because it will just go to his head.  And he’s got such an inflated view of himself already.  I feel like I need to let some of the air out of his ego by reminding him that he’s part of a team who are all doing well, or that his buddy got just as good grades as he did, or that the girl he liked was turned off by his bravado.  But it hasn’t helped so far.  What can I do to bring him down to earth?

 – Crazed by cockiness 

Dear Crazed –

This might shock you, but your son may not be quite as cocky on the inside as he looks on the outside.  When I did my survey of teenage boys (ages 15-20), the large majority admitted that they weren’t as confident as they looked.  It was clear that in many cases, their bravado was just a front to cover a deep well of “do I measure up?” insecurity.

You think of your son as having a puffed-up head – almost as if his head is a balloon that has too much hot air in it.  So you figure that pricking his ego will let some of the air out of the balloon, and bring it down to size.  Right?   But if boys really do have self-doubt hidden under the surface, and if their cockiness is really just a mask to hide behind, then those things that puncture their ego are just going to make that insecurity worse and they will feel even more need to compensate for it.  More cockiness, more bravado, a bigger, stronger, mask.

But inside, just as much doubt.  Just as much concern.  Just as much worry that someone’s going to find out that he doesn’t know what he’s doing.   That is the case for adult men with years of life experience… and it is certainly the case for teenage boys just starting out.

Now, don’t get me wrong: in the heat of a close game, a well-trained soccer player isn’t figuratively biting his nails and filled with self-doubt.  The training kicks in, the adrenaline and testosterone surge, and if he’s a great player he probably is cock-sure in that moment that he’s going to save every goal.  But that’s different from being cock-sure about it in quiet moments of life before the game.  And it is different from being cock-sure about life in general.

So if the solution isn’t to let the air out of the balloon, what is it?

Well, you said you wanted to see humility in him.  I would argue that the secret to humility isn’t reigning in ego: it is raising up gratitude.  Gratitude for a set of skills, abilities, desires and life circumstances that, at the most basic level, he didn’t have anything to do with. They are simply a gift.  For each of us, humility comes from the knowledge that all we have — even the skills that we’ve labored and sharpened and honed — has been given to us by our Creator.

If you help raise your son’s awareness of that, a completely different attitude will grow.  He will begin to see:  I didn’t make myself fast on the soccer field.  I was born with that.  God gave it to me.  I worked hard to make myself better … but even that ability to work hard and be goal-oriented is a gift. And I was born in modern America, in a school and family environment where I can even play soccer at all.

So talk about that.  Praise that.  “God has given you some really special gifts.  I’m very proud of how hard you work and how directed you are to use them.”  With that as the context, I believe you should absolutely affirm the positive qualities in your son that are praiseworthy, without reservation.  For example, “You did a great job in that game.  You worked hard, practiced a long time on that move, and it came off great.”

Your son probably is longing for your sincere affirmation.  Hopefully, once he sees that it is not only you who view him as special – but that God does too – then you will see a true humility beginning to grow.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and teens, including For Women Only, For Men Only, and For Parents Only. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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The 30-Day Kindness Challenge is Almost Here! (Pre-Launch – Men)

The 30 Day Kindness Challenge is almost here!

I hope you’ll join us for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to give new enjoyment to your marriage, make your wife happy, and have great peace in your home!

About 10 years ago, Nancy Leigh Demoss interviewed me on For Women Only and For Men Only on her radio programs.  She told me about a 30-Day challenge she issues to people to help them change how they feel when they need to act a certain way but don’t yet feel like it.  What she shared that day rocked my world, and since then I have not only adapted it and issued a similar challenge myself to many men and women, but have tested it extensively in my research. I’ve watched time and time again as other independent findings, such as from one of my great research heroes, John Gottman, have backed up the principles behind it.

Bottom line: I’ve found the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to be one of the best tools in existence for helping to restore a hurting relationship or making a good relationship even better!

Here’s the 30-Day Kindness Challenge in a nutshell:

Don’t be distracted and don’t withdraw: give your wife your full attention in conversation, at least 15 minutes a day. (And, when you are upset with each other, stay in the game five more minutes past when you want to escape.)
Each day, find at least one thing that you enjoy or appreciate about her, and tell her.
Each day, do one little act of kindness for her.

This means avoiding any words or tone that your spouse/ significant other will perceive as negative, critical or unloving (even if you wouldn’t have taken it that way). This means looking for and saying out loud the good each day. (I promise, you’ll find it!) And it means purposefully doing something small that is kind and generous, whether that means bringing your wife coffee in the morning or leaving her a sticky note saying “I love you”, or jumping in to do a chore that is traditionally not yours.

We’ll be throwing out ideas each day, but you’ll come up with many of your own. We will look forward to hearing your ideas, and your stories as we go!

And if you want a very special gift for your spouse or significant other, buy a journal and don’t just say your thoughts of gratitude, but record them. Then on the last day of the Challenge, give the journal as a gift – and watch her face as she sees what you’ve written!

Join us! For the next 30 days, watch how some simple actions deliver big results!  Sign up here to receive a new challenge every day by email.

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The 30-Day Kindness Challenge is Almost Here! (Pre-Launch – Women)

The 30 Day Kindness Challenge is almost here!

I hope you’ll join us for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to give new life, health and enjoyment to your marriage or dating relationship!  You can join us by signing up to receive a new challenge every day by email.

About 10 years ago, one of my early radio interviews on For Women Only was with Nancy Leigh Demoss.  In one radio break, she told me, “We have some hurting women who call into our program, and we can tell them their husband needs respect, but given all that has happened, they just don’t feel respect. They need something to help change how they feel. So I’m going to issue what I call the 30-Day Challenge.”

What she shared that day rocked my world, and since then I have not only issued that challenge myself to many women and men, but have tested it extensively in my research. I’ve watched time and time again as other independent findings, such as from one of my great research heroes, John Gottman, have backed up the principles behind it.

Bottom line: I’ve found the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to be one of the best tools in existence for helping to restore a hurting relationship or making a good relationship even better!

Here’s the 30-Day Kindness Challenge in a nutshell:

Don’t say anything negative about your husband – either to him or about him to someone else.
Each day, find at least one thing that you appreciate about your husband, and tell him and at least one other person.
Each day, do one little act of kindness for him.

This means avoiding any words or tone that your spouse/ significant other will perceive as negative, critical or unloving (even if you wouldn’t have taken it that way). This means looking for and saying out loud the good each day. (I promise, you’ll find it!) And it means purposefully doing something small that is kind and generous, whether that means making your husband breakfast in the morning or leaving him a sticky note saying “thank you” for something he did the night before, or jumping in to do a chore that is traditionally not yours.

We’ll be throwing out ideas each day, but you’ll come up with many of your own ideas too. We will look forward to hearing your ideas, and your stories as we go!

And if you want a very special gift for your spouse or significant other, buy a journal and don’t just say your thoughts of appreciation, but record them. Then on the last day of the Challenge, give the journal as a gift – and watch his face as he sees what you’ve written!

Join us! For the next 30 days, change what you think, say and do and watch your relationship change too! Sign up here to receive a new challenge every day by email.

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Should I read my wife’s texts?

Dear Shaunti,

My wife is the best person I know; she’s funny, warm, affectionate, and a hard worker. She’s also a great homemaker for me and our kids. We could have a fantastic marriage. The problem is me. I have no reason to suspect her of anything at all. In fact, I’m sure she’s never even considered cheating on me, but I’m extremely curious about who she e-mails and texts. If we’re together and her phone chimes, it’s almost impossible for me not to ask who it is, even though it has started to really bother her.  Since I have no suspicions, why do I act this way? More importantly, what can I do to stop this behavior before it becomes a problem?

-Too Curious

 

Dear Too Curious,

You know that phrase “Curiosity killed the cat?”  Well, I can tell you, that type of unwarranted, suspicious, controlling curiosity could kill a marriage too.

And seriously, what in the world are you wondering about? Who she’s really having lunch with when she tells you she’s meeting her friend Janet? If your son really has a dentist appointment when she tells you that’s who’s on the line?  It’s not unusual for couples to share who is calling, of course. But since you say that you know logically there is no reason to be suspicious, and you’re still acting as if you are, that’s a problem.

You may have an overwhelming curiosity.  Well, okay, so you’re curious.  Everyone can be at times.  But the way you’re handling it is essentially saying, “I have an overwhelming feeling that I want to follow right now, and I’m going to follow right now, even though it is completely illogical and the wrong thing to do.”

We can all think of times when we have done something we knew was wrong, out of overwhelming emotion.  When has it ever ended well?  Letting negative emotions rule how you respond to things can even have life-shattering consequences and produce far more pain than you started with.

Like what happens when you tell a woman who you trust and adore that you don’t actually trust and adore her.

In a 2013 study reported in the UK newspaper, The Telegraph, 34 percent of women said they’d snooped into their partner’s emails or texts. But wait! Nearly twice as many men (62 percent) said they’d done the same thing.  And the respondents admitted that the loss of trust caused by snooping either started a relationship into decline or finished it off completely.

Don’t go there.

Thankfully, your actions don’t have to change solely out of sheer willpower.  You can also change your feelings. The ultra- happy couples I surveyed for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages were happy, in part, because they had learned not to simply “exercise control” over the negative feelings; they had actually learned how to change those feelings and talk themselves out of being mad or upset …or curious and suspicious!

What might that look like?  When that overwhelming curiosity comes upon you, you might tell yourself something like, I want to ask who just texted her, but if I do it will be one more signal to her that I don’t trust her.  I do trust her, and I’m just curious, but that curiosity is not worth telling this wonderful woman that she’s worthy of suspicion.

You will find that as you redirect your actions, it will help to redirect your feelings.  All of which helps to ensure that we are in charge … not our crazy emotions.  In the Bible God tells us that when we act on and think about what is right and true,  the positive feelings will follow. On the other hand, if you continue to act on the negative thoughts, you’ll reinforce them. I don’t know what your faith background is, but I would urge you: ask God for His help in making this change.  And look for and rehearse what is right and true;—it’s always there somewhere.

If you still find yourself with that overwhelming curiosity, even after all of that, then it is time to get some more specific help.  Find a certified therapist who can help you figure out why this suspicion is so hard to crack when you say there’s no reason for it.  Is it a desire to control?  If so, why?  Are you feeling out of control in other areas and trying to over-control your wife as a result?  Or despite your assurance that there’s no reason for suspicion, perhaps you worry, deep down, that there may be; do you feel like she tries to hide part of her life from you in some way?  All of those concerns need to be addressed with the help of a professional, before curiosity does indeed kill the marriage.

In the meantime, you said your wife is funny, warm and affectionate. Dwell on those wonderful qualities whenever your curiosity wants to get the best (or the worst) of you. And as your feelings change you’ll find all the other issues are much easier to deal with!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post Should I read my wife’s texts? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Don’t Let “Facebook Fantasies” Ruin Your View Of Your Spouse

Dear Shaunti,

My husband and I have started arguing a lot about how much I look at Facebook, even though I only check it a couple of times a day.  I think what my husband is really upset about is that I see what my friends’ husbands do for them — stuff he never does for me!   They get the flowers, spa treatments, romantic dinners, and surprise getaways.  Now, we are on a tight budget, and I know that, so he couldn’t shower me with luxurious treats even if he wanted to.  The problem is: he doesn’t seem to want to!  Should I have to give up Facebook just because I’m now getting a reality check on how humdrum our marriage is?  Why shouldn’t I expect more from my husband?

– Wanting More

Dear Wanting More,

Facebook can be a good thing — except when it’s not.  And one way it is not, is that it can completely mess with people’s expectations.  You really think that what you see on Facebook is a “reality check?”  That’s like saying that what you see in a Disney movie is a “reality check” that you should have a 14-inch waistline and if you don’t… something is wrong.

Recent research from Slater Gordon has found that social media like Facebook can play a role in dividing even the happiest couples.  Why?  Because social media presents a completely false sense of reality, “pointing out” what’s supposedly lacking in your life and relationships in comparison to others.

When we become dissatisfied with our life or loved ones based on what we see online from other people, the problem really isn’t about Facebook or Instagram or anything else: it is our perspective.  We’re allowing ourselves to compare our every-day life, with all of its stresses and troubles, to someone else’s carefully-chosen highlights.  And the choice to do allow ourselves to buy into the lie – or not — is entirely up to us.

One of the most telling results from the research I did for my book, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, was finding this one reason the happy couples were so happy: they refused to allow themselves to have unrealistic expectations of their spouses.  Instead, they looked for what their spouse did do well, and were grateful for it – no matter how large or small.  In fact, in 8 out of 10 highly happy marriages, each spouse gave credit to their mate for the happiness in their marriage, essentially saying “if it weren’t for my spouse, we wouldn’t be nearly as happy in our relationship.”  But in most of the so-so marriages, the reverse perspective reigned: each spouse would take credit for any happiness there was in the relationship, and then think, “My spouse is the reason we’re not doing as well as we could, and I am the only reason this marriage is holding together!”

Sound familiar?

So your husband doesn’t appear to measure up to some of the husbands you see on Facebook. You know what? Neither does mine — if I dwell on it.  But if I concentrate on my husband’s truly positive qualities — those things he does that amaze me, that I really appreciate, that no one else can do as well — then I am incredibly grateful for him instead of rating him against the perceived Supermen touted on Facebook.  Which, again, are just an illusion: they are normal men.  Normal men with weaknesses as well as strengths.

Right now, you’re buying into a lie.  A lie that says these other husbands are better than yours because all you see are their positives.

For the sake of your marriage, you need to wake up.  And start doing the equivalent of a social media filter on behalf of your own husband.  What are the things your husband does that are wonderful?   What “picture” (so to speak) would you post on Facebook that would show him at his best?  Is it the picture of him pushing your daughter on the swing so you could get an hour of much-needed rest?  Post that in your own mind!  Is it the description of how he comes home from an exhausting day of work and still goes out and mows the lawn?  Remind yourself of that!

Look for the things he does do that are amazing — and let him know them.  Then even if there are some real issues to work out in your marriage, if you will switch your perspective like this, you will see all the ways he truly is your superhero and all those other husbands don’t measure up to him!

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages and her newest, The Good News About Marriage. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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